When Mitt Romney nears an election of his — only four more years-ish! — he transforms into his super-funny lying clown alter ego, “Mittens,” who literally believes in nothing and will simply invent exquisite lies or make fun of Bob Dole if that’s what’s demanded of him in the very short term. He’s harmless and terrible. Now he is selling all of his residences, because having lots of houses was embarrassing for John McCain for about hmm, a week?, last year. Which house is he keeping? The summer vacation home in… New Hampshire, of course! Why he just woke up one morning and decided he wanted to “winter” in the summer home from now on! [Hotline]

Of all the comical failed Republican presidential candidates from the year aught-eight, none tugged at our heartstrings more than Mitt Romney, who lost $40 million of his own money in his fruitless quest to persuade people to like him. By 2012, he will have recouped all his losses by doubling down in America’s hot real estate and financial sectors, and he will have zillions more to spend on becoming conservative voters’ business-minded, slightly deranged alternative to the clinically insane grandmother of eleven, Sarah Palin. Mary Matalin says Romney’s going to run, and we all know she gets her information straight from the horse’s mouth (i.e. Cheney’s anus), so quod erat demonstrandum, etc. [AP]

How deeply must you despise your former running mate — the person you wanted America to accept as a perfectly good and safe president-in-waiting, just a few months ago — to be unable to fake a quick “Sure I support her” on a Sunday news-chat show? Here’s Old Walnuts McCain utterly unable to answer a simple question about Palin from David Gregory, because good lord, Palin is absolute human garbage. You’ve got to be some real dumb trash when even Republicans won’t support you. [YouTube/USA Today]

Hark, a cretin! Wonkette operative “Life Law Libido” snapped this horrifying shot of some douche driving a Japanese Yuppie Car plastered with a very prominent “SARAH PALIN 2012″ sticker. Why would a foreign-CRV-driving latte-sipping urban dandy support a dipshit snowbilly grifter like Sarah Palin? Because, as you can see from the row of window stickers just above the spare-tire cover, this person has ducks for children. So tragic, yet brave.

This ad and another one like it have apparently been plastering the conservative Internets today in the Louisiana Governor’s latest “viral marketing” move for his nascent 2012 presidential campaign. Jindal will be delivering the response to Barack Obama’s make-believe State of the Union address tonight, so this is basically his big national debutante ball, and he will have to put out for someone. This is good news… for John McCain. [Town Hall]

After that tragic series of events that led to the shuttering of the Mittens “Willard” Romney Campaign 2008, our comically convictionless protagonist campaigned at nine million rallies “for John McCain” and other candidates, a full seven million of which attracted only one attendee, Kathryn Jean Lopez — in booty shorts. Mittens’ extensive travel budget was funded largely by wingnut donations to his Free and Strong America PAC, which he created to “raise money for other Republicans around the country and to promote GOP policies.” Ha ha, why would he bust his ass for that? He wouldn’t! Because now we know that only 12% of the $2.1 million in PAC donations has gone towards helping other candidates. The other 88%, oh where did that go? MIGHT HE NEED MONEY FOR HIMSELF FOR HIS FUTURE? IN SAY… 2012?? Yep, that’s when he’s scheduled his appointment with the plastic surgeon — and boob jobs aren’t cheap. [Boston Globe]

Are you ready for 2012 polls? Well, too bad. Gallup is already doing 2012 polls. Nate Silver will not even get a break to buy a baseball team or whatever. According to Gallup, of the last losers calling themselves “Republican,” 67% want Alaskan turkey Sarah Palin to run, 62% wish Mormon gay-hater Mitt Romney would have another losing campaign, and 61% hope squirrel-eating socialist and Romney-hater Mike Huckabee will have another go in 2012. MORE »

Guess who made a campaign stop in Iowa this morning? Mike Huckabee! Iowa! 2012! It’s the new-new Republican Party, with a platform based on Huckabee’s special blend of a) jesus-y socialism, b) weight-loss schemes, c) playing bass in the Christian Rock band “The Wiggles,” and d) just cold puttin’ down Mitt Romney all the time, because Romney SUX. Also Huckabee is selling his shitty book, about how much he hates Mitt. [CNN]

Mike Huckabee was just another fat wingnut Southern emperor until, however many years ago, he realized that he was going to die from the Fat Cancer. He freaked and lost an actual 4,500 pounds and wrote a book about how he became un-fat. It was a success because, for some reason, illiterate people will buy books about such mysterious weight-loss techniques as diet and exercise. This gave him an “in” to run for president; he did better than expected but still lost to Walnuts. But… but now he has another book coming out! It’s about how terrible the Republican party is — you know, his frighteningly unpopular political party! He whines about everyone but throws in a few good words for Cher. MORE »

• RON PAUL MIGHT RUN IN 2012: Wouldn’t want to disappoint the Internet, would he? Paul’s spokesman and “grandson-in-law” Jesse Benton says that a decision would have to be made in the next six months, so as to set up early ground ops in Iowa and New Hampshire if the answer’s “yes.” Could Ron Paul be the next John Edwards? [Reason]

He might be a young, callow religious nutball with an unhealthy testicle fixation, but Bobby Jindal is not dumb! This spring when everybody was cold speculatin’ about whether he’d be selected for Republican Vice Presidential nominee, Bobby Jindal was busy slowly backing away from the tragic band of idiots known as the McCain campaign. MORE »