Tag Archives: 2012 election

  MittWatch '16

Mitt Romney Still A Dumb Jerk, Some More, Again

Mitt Romney's advisers try to talk the candidate into another run after his crushing 2012 loss.
Business Insider has yet another entry in the ongoing saga that is MittWatch ’16. Another “member” of the “inner circle” of that cock tease the Duke of Salt Lake, Willard Mitochondria Phlegmatic Hustings Coffeepot Romney XII, leaks that the Rombot met this past week in New York with “key financial backers” of his past losing campaigns. Which means he is probably definitely likely running for president again in 2016. Or he’s a rich retired guy jetting around the country to enjoy the perks of being a rich retired guy, like watching a New York Jets game from the owner’s skybox at the team’s stadium. Which, considering it’s the Jets and the stadium is in New Jersey, doesn’t sound to us like a perk. It sounds like one of Dante’s more minor circles. Read more on Mitt Romney Still A Dumb Jerk, Some More, Again…
  satire or just stupid?

Festivus Miracle: Wonkette, Washington Free Beacon Agree On ‘Man Of Year,’ Just Not Which Year Or Why

We’re going to assume that, even though it includes that image up there (minus Derpy Hooves, of course), this post on today’s Washington Free Beacon is not actually joking in naming Mitt Romney 2013’s “Man of the Year.” And to think, they’re only a year behind Yr Wonkette; we declared Mitt the Hu-Man of the Year 2012, for all the laughs. Or at least 47% of the laughs. The Mighty Favog knows their lede has all the earnest butthurt one could ask for: America didn’t want him, needs him more than ever, and does not deserve him. Remember when Americans still had affordable health insurance? Mitt Romney does. Remember how crazy it was to think Russia could be “our number one geopolitical foe”? Mitt Romney might, assuming he still thinks about politics when he’s not installing car elevators in his La Jolla mansion or nurturing one of the finest tans in the industrialized world. See? Hard to tell how straight they want us to take that — even aside from the carping about the rollout of the ACA, are we really supposed to believe that we’re on the brink of war with Russia or something? Apart from Russia granting asylum to Ed Snowden and their passage of that terrible anti-gay law (which we’ve got to assume the Free Beacon isn’t terribly worried about anyway), did the Rooshians suddenly vindicate the Mittbot by vaulting past China or Iran as foreign policy worry #1? Read more on Festivus Miracle: Wonkette, Washington Free Beacon Agree On ‘Man Of Year,’ Just Not Which Year Or Why…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Stocking Stuffer Of Stoopid

Happy Solstice, you ugly vile little snark mob! Welcome to yet another Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we steam-clean our browser tabs, clearing out a bunch of stories that weren’t worth a full post on their own, but too stoopid to ignore altogether. Then we serve up the resulting sludge up for you to choke down as best you can (Protip: Add liquor). Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Stocking Stuffer Of Stoopid…
  o frother where art thou?

Rick Santorum Has Learned Lessons of 2012: If He Had Won, He Wouldn’t Have Lost

Rick Santorum has given it a lot of thought, and he’s figured out that if the true results of the 2012 Iowa Caucus had been reported right away, he’d have been the guy to win the Not Romney Sweepstakes, get the nomination, and lose to Barack Obama. “Had he lost Iowa, then the air of invincibility would’ve been dashed,” Santorum said of his opponent. “Of course, we had a great week raising money, but it wasn’t the same, had we won. If we’d won, I would’ve been on every show the next day, and Time magazine might have had me on the cover. Things like that would’ve really changed the whole thing.” That is some A+++ logic right there (the math science of words), would logic with Rick Santorum again! So does this mean he’s going to step aside from making awful movies (teaser: review coming soon!) and run again? He’s definitely been giving it some thought, because now he’s whatchacall “seasoned.” Or past his sell-by date, or something. Read more on Rick Santorum Has Learned Lessons of 2012: If He Had Won, He Wouldn’t Have Lost…
  mittens

Mitt Romney Acknowledges He Did Not ‘Speak Openly And Effectively To Minority Populations,’ Fails To Note Wetness Of Water

Average guy Mitt Romney and his wife Egg went on the CBS This Morning teevee Showcase of Disgrace to talk about why he lost so badly in the last “America’s Next Top Figurehead” contest. Oddly, he said a thing that is arguably true: “The place that my campaign and I fell short was probably in being able to speak openly and effectively to minority populations. We didn’t get as many African-American voters as we should have, didn’t get as many Hispanic voters as we should have.” We’re not so sure about the “openly” part, because when he did speak “openly” it was kind of disastrous for him. But effectively, sure. Romney was certainly not as effective at lying to minorities as he was with the white men, who unaccountably seemed to believe that Mitt Romney was the guy who would help them become or remain rich and powerful. Then again, people believe gay marriage is caused by supernatural hell-beasts, so maybe it’s not that weird after all. Read more on Mitt Romney Acknowledges He Did Not ‘Speak Openly And Effectively To Minority Populations,’ Fails To Note Wetness Of Water…
  teenrage dream

Katy Perry Announces She Will Not Run For Governor Of Texas

Katy Perry announced today that she will not seek re-election as Governor of Texas in 2014, but would not say for certain whether she plans a presidential bid in 2016. The three-term governor has held office since 2000, when then-Gov. Kate Bush became President. Her time in office has been marked by a controversial mix of right-wing politics and catchy pop hooks. Perry’s 2012 presidential campaign derailed after a series of gaffes, particularly her inability to remember which three federal departments she had liked kissing. Read more on Katy Perry Announces She Will Not Run For Governor Of Texas…
  free-market christianity

Michele Bachmann Stiffing Campaign Staffers, Offending Lord

Who could have EVER guessed that the lady who stomps around Washington accusing high-ranking aides of being terrorists might not necessarily be the best person to make business deals with? Turns out it could be… true. Rep. Michele Bachmann, she of the terrifying blank stare and razor-thin 2012 victory, is being accused of refusing to pay five campaign staffers because, according to Salon, they “refused to sign a nondisclosure agreement that would bar them from discussing any ‘unethical, immoral, or criminal activity’ they witnessed on the campaign with police or reporters.” How dare they not sign the “Don’t Snitch On Us For Breaking Laws” contract! How long could they hold out, really? Well, turns out they worked the Iowa straw poll, so more than a year. Read more on Michele Bachmann Stiffing Campaign Staffers, Offending Lord…
  don't think just break things

New Pew Poll Shows End Of Democratic Party As We Know It

PANIC, MOTHERFUCKERS! A new Pew poll shows Romney up four (49-45%) with likely voters following last week’s debate. According to Twitter, blah blah sampling women Midwest Chuck Todd just DMed me and it was hot, but basically Obama has permanently and totally lost the election after Jim Lehrer didn’t have his back. Read more on New Pew Poll Shows End Of Democratic Party As We Know It…
  destiny

Statement: Newt Gingrich Prepares To Declare Himself President

It is now a 2 person race. Donate now at newt.org/donate for the last conservative standing. #tcot #withNewt — Newt Gingrich (@newtgingrich) April 10, 2012 A statement from the Newt Gingrich presidential campaign, maybe: While Rick Santorum waited, fundamentally, much too long to exit this race for the nomination, we at the Newt Gingrich campaign would boldly like to thank him for today’s self-ouster. This beleagured nation may now proceed with the serious issues of statesmanship. Newt will move into the White House at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning. Read more on Statement: Newt Gingrich Prepares To Declare Himself President…