Orange-headed bulb-nosed Mexican-hating fruitbat Lou Dobbs has really only failed at two things: Being a successful television news anchor, and being a dot-com executive. But the Space.com/CNN loser is now aiming to fail on a truly epic scale: He wants to run for president!!! Oh please, Lou, run for president. You can Mexican-wrestle Sarah Palin for the nomination … whoops, never mind, at least Sarah Palin is *popular* with the wingnuts. [Politico]

RON PAUL HEADS TO IOWA! WOW, this LEDE: “Revolutionary Republican, courageous conservative congressman and Constitution defending former presidential candidate, Ron Paul is coming to Iowa November 14th, to support Kent Sorenson’s state Senate seat bid.” The Iowa Republican might as well have just taken a picture of itself covered in the dust jacket of an Andy Warhol biography and texted it to Ron Paul. Gross gross. [The Iowa Republican via Glenn Thrush]

HA! What have we here, buried in this nothing news item about Tim Pawlenty going to headline the “Ronald Reagan Dinner,” the proceeds of which benefit Republicans In Iowa, or Republicans From Iowa, or Republicans Without Iowa, something like that. Ummm… voila: “In July, organizers of the event had said they had tried to line up former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the 2008 vice presidential nominee.” It is too bad that the Iowa Republicans were unable to convince, with money, their first choice of speaker and instead had to settle for someone who did not quit their governorship. Tim Pawlenty this is embarrassing! Do not do this! [Des Moines Register via Ben Smith]

Dimpled fascist Rick Santorum basically committed himself to running for the President of Republicans, in 2012! At least, this is what he told a bunch of Catholic leaders at the Catholic Leadership conference, which was held somewhere over the weekend at some point. Your Wonkette guessed as much was true when back in August Santorum said he was going to be in Iowa in October. Anyway, Santorum famously could not even manage to get elected to a third Senate term back when he was Pennsylvania’s two-term Senator. Considering how big of an obvious failure he is, he is still pretty confident about WINNING THE PRESIDENCY, which is what counts! “Six months ago I would not have spent ten seconds on your question, but it’s not six months ago. I see that, I hate to be calculating, but I see that 2012 is not just throwing somebody out to be eaten, but it’s a real opportunity for success.” [LifeSiteNews (which is somehow not a website for pornography?) via Ben Smith]

Huzzah, Rick Santorum! The former Pennsylvania senator, dog-sex fetishist, Nostradamus of Terror, and reluctant John McCain supporter seems to be plotting a presidential run for 2012, which would be awesome … for America. MORE »

Jesus christ: “Clinton’s $22 million in campaign debts (a good chunk of it owed to herself), has somehow now turned into some $3+ million in cash on hand and still growing, some in her old Senate fund and some in her defunct presidential campaign war chest.” MORE »

First of all, Sarah Palin, go to HELL for ruining your editor’s day of patriotic rest and BBQ. Second, why did you really quit, crazy lady? We admit to “jumping to conclusions” (trying to hurry up and get back outside to our cocktails and friends), but the story may be more complicated than “Sarah Palin is a sociopath who will just quit being governor of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election, just to show her, uhm, Leadership Credentials, which means constantly yelling at David Letterman about a joke she couldn’t comprehend.” But there are so many more crazy theories about America’s craziest Alaskan Anger Bear, the snowbilly grifter and strip-mall Ice Queen of Wasilla. Let’s examine them, together! MORE »

Come on, we are supposed to be celebrating AMERICA this July 4th Weekend, but of course with Sarah Palin, it’s all about Sarah Palin. So she has RUINED our Independence Day by announcing that she’s quitting the governor’s job (boring!) and handing over power to the lieutenant governor, and this apparently means she’s running for the GOP nomination for PRESIDENT (we just elected one!) in 2012, the end? Probably not. [Fox News/CNN]

South Carolina granola hippie Mark Sanford just couldn’t take the pressure, man, so he put on his Tevas and headed up to the mountains to clear his head. Nothing like some Kinhin walking meditation to get the fear of The Man — that man, the prez — out of your soul. At least out here on the Appalachian Trail, mean old Barack Obama with his suits and his money and his power trips can’t bum you out …. unless uptight Obama is even using his Power Trip Stimulus Money on the trail itself. MORE »

Have you ever gone to a buffet and seen, say, three dishes such as lobster, chocolate cake, and cocaine, and wondered which of these delights to sample first? That is precisely the dilemma facing Republican voters as they ponder the upcoming 2012 general election, which starts in precisely one thousand-ish days. MORE »

Peter King, one of exactly two Republican congressmen from the state of New York remaining after Obama stole GOP Rep. John McHugh for army secretary, must defend his Long Island seat — not just from whatever contender in 2010, and the big increase in Democratic voters, and the dying-off Republican voters, but from the Dems’ crafty plans to screw him with redistricting in 2012. MORE »