Tag Archives: 2012

  Lifestyle Pages

Mitt Romney Meets With Old Campaign Chums For No Special Reason, Why Do You Ask?

Gather round, kids, and listen good
Mitt Romney gives a lecture about 2016 election at Stanford University. Pic by Stelio Ropokis via Twitter Mitt Romney has been keeping busy since our wayward nation made the biggest mistake of her life by walking away from the blissful comfort of his mechanical, Downy-scented embrace two years ago. Mitt is the forgiving type and has remained in the background of our political lives, just being our friend, because he would hate to think he and the American voters couldn’t be friends anymore. And he’s been meeting up with some of his best buds who, by total coincidence, played integral roles in his last run for president, just to say hi. Read more on Mitt Romney Meets With Old Campaign Chums For No Special Reason, Why Do You Ask?…
  insane in the campaign

‘Double Down’ Campaign Book: Mitt Romney Made Fun Of Chris Christie For Being Big Gross Fatty

There’s a new book out about the 2012 election that made Barack Obama dictator for life (again) and exiled Mitt Romney to the wolf-stalked beaches of Southern California. It’s called “Double Down,” probably after the KFC bacon and cheese and two hunks of fried chicken instead of bread sandwich, because like the sandwich it appeals to a small group of antisocial gluttons while nauseating everyone else. “Double Down” is by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, the guys who wrote “Game Change,” a book that got made into a movie about Sarah Palin and how she is terrible. LOL DIDN’T READ is what we said to that, and we won’t be reading this one either, because the liberal media has already done it for us. Here’s a taste: “I’m tired of you people!!!” the book quotes Christie as saying. “Leave me the [expletive] alone!!!!” Christie said this to some Romney lackey after Christie was criticized for making his GOP convention speech all about himself. You want more? Yeah, yeah you do. You want it bad. Read more on ‘Double Down’ Campaign Book: Mitt Romney Made Fun Of Chris Christie For Being Big Gross Fatty…
  It's R-Money's America; We Are Just Living In It

Newly Published Documents Detail Romney’s Specific Plan to Ruin White House, Country

What exactly would a Romney presidency have been like? Yes, of course it would have been horrible, we know that. But in what specific WAYS would have it been horrible? See, now we know the answer to this question, because Romney Readiness Project, the Republican candidate’s transition organization (known in certain circles as R2P) has published a 138-page report detailing how it prepared for a potential Romney victory. From Time: “The White House staff is similar to a holding company” read one PowerPoint slide, which would have been presented to President-elect Romney as part of an expansive briefing on the morning after Election Day. It went on to list three main divisions of the metaphorical firm: “Care & Feeding Offices,” like speechwriting, “Policy Offices,” like the National Security Council, and “Packaging & Selling Offices,” like the office of the press secretary. This was the view of the Presidency Romney would have brought with him to Washington, a glimpse of the White House that never was — and plan that never saw the light of day. Read more on Newly Published Documents Detail Romney’s Specific Plan to Ruin White House, Country…
 

Unveiling Wonket’s 2012 Hu-Man Of The Year

Wonket’s Hu-Man of the Year was a hard-fought contest. There were strong cases to be made for Donald Trump, and Rick Santorum, and the cast of Fox & Friends. But in the end only one hu-man provided such grand doses of befuddled misanthropy, who proved to be SO FUCKING BAD AT HIS JOB, who could not open his mouth but to insult the help (everyone is the help), whose wife was a bigger fucking cunt than he was. Oh, this could have been a Republican year. Everyone thought so mostly! Except then the Republicans went and nominated His Lord High Hairgel, Mittens of Romney, who literally said half the country refused to take responsibility for their lives, and no one was surprised. BUT WHAT ABOUT HIS GAFFES? Let us relive, together, the power and the glory forever and ever hallelujah amen! Read more on Unveiling Wonket’s 2012 Hu-Man Of The Year…
  sadface

For Fox & Friends, It Was A Very Bad Year

We at your Wonket are liberals and Obamatards, and so it hurts us to see anyone in pain. (Ask us sometime about our “mirror neuron” seminar, and how our mirror neurons are the strongest, ass-kickin’est mirror neurons in the world!) It even hurts us to see Gretchen Carlson, and the Dooce, and the rapey one in pain! And yet, there is no shirking when there is work to be done, and in this case it is holding up these fucking dunces for yet another round of Jesus Christ, WHAT??? Here are a few of our favorite things. Read more on For Fox & Friends, It Was A Very Bad Year…
  Where is it in the Constitution huh?

You Got Your Government In My God: The Year In Churchstate

Congratulations, U.S. America and such as! You have survived yet another calendar year without the establishment of a theocracy or the utter banishment of religious faith! It was a year in which the most momentous SCOTUS decision on church and state was a fairly narrow (and stupid) ruling that allows churches to ignore fair employment practices as long as the employee is a “minister” of some sort — which certainly sucks if you teach at a church school, and like everything out of the Roberts court, keeps narrowing who can sue for employment issues, but doesn’t exactly reshape the basic church/state relationship in a fundamental way. Which is not to say that there weren’t plenty of attempts to tear down that wall of separation, deny it exists at all, or claim that the Atheist Muslim Secularist in the White House wants to put all Christians in a gulag. And so, let us review just a few of 2012’s finer religio-political collisions. A caveat: We won’t have much of anything to say about Mitt Romney’s Mormonosity, because really, how many magic underwear jokes does the world need? Read more on You Got Your Government In My God: The Year In Churchstate…
  don't pretend you don't want it

Teh Year in Ghey: A Wonktrospective

It has been a banner fucking year for the teh gheys. There was tons of election-winning, gay-marrying, company-wrecking, and general ruining of morals and common decency everywhere. Shockingly, we learned that a lesbian cabal runs the DHS, because when the revolution comes it will damn sure start with ‘mos taking over executive agencies. We watched as the heroic group known as “One Million Moms” declared victory against JC Penney and Ellen Degeneres by deciding that they wouldn’t fight anymore (WHICH IS TOTALLY WINNING YOU GUYS) until they decided to get mad all over again, because history’s greatest monster lesbian played an elf in a Christmas TV commercial. Will Ellen’s reign of terror never end? Also, too, One Million Moms is apparently mad at a whole ton of gay things: Read more on Teh Year in Ghey: A Wonktrospective…
  that's not racial transcendence

Tucker Carlson’s Post-Racial Year

There are not enough pixels in the universe to reproduce every stupid watermelon email sent out by a GOP official, or even every racisty thing spewed by NRO. So we shall have to limit our examination of the Year In Racial Transcendence to just those sage comments espoused by the not at all spittle-flecked ranters at Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller. Join us, on the other side! Read more on Tucker Carlson’s Post-Racial Year…
  binders of big birds

The Year In Sesame Street Evil

First they came for Big Bird, and we did not care, because dude, old news. (Little known fact: if you stop funding the NEA, Sesame Street and Planned Parenthood, there would be enough budget left over to fund at least three GSA conventions.) They ALWAYS come for Big Bird, because sharing = communism, everybody knows that! Read more on The Year In Sesame Street Evil…
  old handsome joe

The Year In Joe Biden

We at Wonket — the last bastion of pure Joe Biden love — received the following note yesterday, in our tipline, where people go to yell at us: I know you-all play it as though Joe Biden is just a sexy fool, but the scuttlebutt is that the Rs felt Obama wasn’t serious about talks (with Boehner) cause Biden wasn’t involved (granted B is House, while Biden is senate). But Biden (and Geithner) were in talks on Friday AND in the article below, McConnell went off to call Biden during the Senate R. caucus this afternoon. Joe isn’t just sexy–he’s smart/sexy. http://thehill.com/homenews/senate/274917-mcconnell-talking-to-biden-willing-to-drop-social-security-demand US LIBEL. When we pointed out just how libeled we were being, our courrespondente doubled down. YES SHE DID. The whole ‘sexy joe’ thing is funny but a little overdone…so NO libel…truth. UNTRUTH! UNTRUTH! But it did give us an idea for a stupid year-end wrap-up, which we couldn’t think of any before, so thank you to our MEAN, LYING, LIBELING letter-writer, because here is your Year In Old Handsome Joe. Read more on The Year In Joe Biden…
  mitt's time

Ann And Mitt Romney Adjust To Sad Lonely Life Of Regular Old Centi-Millionaires

Mitt Romney is SO VERY SAD, you guys. All he wanted was to be President. That’s it. He had a dream, just a simple dream, and You People crushed it. So now he spends his days alone, shuffling around in his $1000 bathrobes, talking to secret service personnel that aren’t there. And Ann! This has been ESPECIALLY hard on Ann, who is Above all of this. Are we bad people because we are kind of happy to learn that Ann Romney spends her days “crying softly,” trying desperately to adjust to a life filled with mansions and Austrian warmbloods instead of political events and secret service motorcades? By all accounts, the past month has been most difficult on Romney’s wife, Ann, who friends said believed up until the end that ascending to the White House was their destiny. They said she has been crying in private and trying to get back to riding her horses. Read more on Ann And Mitt Romney Adjust To Sad Lonely Life Of Regular Old Centi-Millionaires…
  for john dillinger

Wholesome American Guts: Your William S. Burroughs Thanksgiving Prayer 2012

We began posting this Thanksgiving Prayer by William S. Burroughs and Gus Van Sant back in 2006, and a lot of things have changed since then. (For one thing, the YouTube copy we linked to in 2006 through 2011 is gone and borked forever.) We also cannot possibly hope to match the grim depths of the 2010 / 2011 iterations of the prayer, so we know better than to even make the attempt. Read more on Wholesome American Guts: Your William S. Burroughs Thanksgiving Prayer 2012…
  frothing at the mouth

Rick Santorum Will Gladly Compromise With Democrats To Ruin Social Security For You

Oh finally, Rick Santorum has written a column on the Hill, weighing in on the election and What It Means! And What It Means is that the GOP will FINALLY, after all this time, cooperate with President Obama on cutting Social Security and privatizing Medicare. So the fact that Americans went to the polls and elected a lesbian, a bisexual atheist, a female Asian Buddhist, and a socialist, in addition to decriminalizing weed, legalizing gay marriage, and voting for tax increases means nothing. Well that’s not true; it means that they want Marco Rubio to charlar con ustedes about why you should retire at age 70 and buy health insurance on the open market. Read more on Rick Santorum Will Gladly Compromise With Democrats To Ruin Social Security For You…
  pantheon of fallen heroes

A Special Wonkette Tribute To Fallen Senator Staple-Crotch, Massachusetts’s Own Scott Brown

It seems like just two months ago that we were in Tampa, Florida, hanging out with a bunch of Boston journos who explained, totally matter-of-factly, that it was a foregone conclusion that Senator Scott Brown (R-Playgirl) would handily beat sexy schoolmarm Elizabeth Warren in their #war for the senate. Why did they think that? “Because everybody likes him,” they explained. “He’s not a jerk.” Ah, but that was before Senator Brown shot himself in the stapled cock with his own arrow. Presumably working on the advice of Eric Fehrnstrom, who is very bad at his job, he quintupled down on an idiotic race-baiting campaign even after everyone in the world was all “the fuck, Scott Brown?” and then handed in a debate performance (with an assist from David Gregory) that was actually shocking in its bullying, shitty tone. Let us gather round for a War Dance of Remembrance! Read more on A Special Wonkette Tribute To Fallen Senator Staple-Crotch, Massachusetts’s Own Scott Brown…
  Fox Nooz

Oh How Cute, Fox is Suddenly Worried About “Media Bias” and its Impact on Democracy

Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com Apparently there are “new questions” about the role of the media 2012 race! What kind of questions? Well, the kind Fox Nooz asks, like: why does the media insist on pointing out all the lies that come out of Mitt Romney’s mouth? And: why do they have to call constant attention to the fact that Gingrich is a womanizing scumbag? Yes, those kinds of questions. Read more on Oh How Cute, Fox is Suddenly Worried About “Media Bias” and its Impact on Democracy…
  rush limbaugh expects an apology

Rush Limbaugh Thinks Chris Christie Is A Big Fat Fool

Oh ha ha ha, this is delightful! Two days ago, Chris Christie basically told Romney to go eat a dick because he wasn’t interested in prancing around with Mittens, looking for photo ops, while half of New Jersey’s coastline was still underwater. So today, Rush Limbaugh has decreed that Chris Christie is “fat” and a “fool” for daring to look after his state instead of Mitt Romney’s presidential ambitions. Doesn’t Chris Christie know that it’s Mitt’s Time?? Read more on Rush Limbaugh Thinks Chris Christie Is A Big Fat Fool…
  in your heart you know she's wrong

Ann Romney Still Horrible

Ann Romney, who campaign officials claim is the kinder, warmer, more approachable half of the nation’s premier battery-powered couple, recently revealed to Good Housekeeping magazine that the issue “closest to her heart” is “bringing real change to our educational system,” a system with which Ann first became familiar while serving as, in her words, “First Lady of a State” (sounds fancy) at the tender age of 52, after her children were safely out of reach of the evil public school teachers’ covens/unions. Long story short, guys, Ann is now basically a Ph.D. in “what happens to people’s lives if they don’t get a proper education” like she and everyone she marries, raises, or sponsors in the Olympics did! Read more on Ann Romney Still Horrible…
  mittens' world

Mitt Romney Iz In Ur Hurricane, Privatizin Ur FEMA

Hello to all of you in the Eastern third of this great country, currently hoarding boxes of wine and tarp and more boxes of wine in order to hopefully get through Frankenstorm without killing your loved ones in a fit of cabin fever. How is that going for you, gathering all those supplies and whatnot? Would it go EVEN BETTER if you knew that there was no FEMA? Or, what if you knew that FEMA had been turned into a profit-making machine for Job Creators? Would that make you work EVEN HARDER to prepare for the oncoming storm? Absolutely it would, says Mitt Romney, and also, do you think that FEMA will help you pick of the pieces of your ruined lives if the worst should occur? LOSERS. This is nothing short of immoral. Read more on Mitt Romney Iz In Ur Hurricane, Privatizin Ur FEMA…
  rafalca goes to war

Fox News Cannot Believe Obama Is Unfamiliar With Cutting-Edge Weapon ‘The Bayonet’

Mitt Romney got his ass handed to him last night, but to be fair, sometimes he handed himself his own ass, like when he claimed that Syria was Iran’s “route to the sea” and also, most of the other times that he opened his mouth and words came out. (Maybe the moderator could have helped him out by asking a question about the Cayman Islands? Last we heard, those are foreign!) ANYWAY, probably the finest of these non-self-inflicted ass-handing moments came when Romney was comparing today’s military to the military of the early 20th century, arguing that Obama was going to leave America unsafe forever and ever by refusing to give the Navy a bunch of ships they never asked for. Obama replied that yeah, he’s going to give them fewer ships, because DUH, they use fewer ships, and also, fewer horses and bayonets, IDIOT. This, however, hurt Fox News’ feelings, as it is apparently still remembering with longing 1917 in Flanders Fields. And it also hurt the feelings of this one serviceman who Tweeted at Fox News that we still do use bayonets in the military! Read more on Fox News Cannot Believe Obama Is Unfamiliar With Cutting-Edge Weapon ‘The Bayonet’…
  someone fetch the smelling salts

Lawrence O’Donnell Not Amused By Mitt Romney’s ‘Over The Line’ Al Smith Dinner Standup Set (Video)

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy Here is Lawrence O’Donnell with his frowny disturbed face, noting that President Obama directed three jokes at Mitt Romney at last night’s Al Smith Dinner, but Mitt Romney directed eight jokes at President Obama. “WAS IT OVER THE LINE?” “Oh, yes, it was definitely over the line.” Lawrence O’Donnell, get your lace panties out of your butt and come the fuck on. And Krystal Ball, we like you. You don’t need to be an agony aunt either. And other dude who is there, you are also there. We see you. But we stopped watching this clip right where we ended it here, so maybe you were fine! But you were still involved in this ridiculous bit of waaah, so you get no points sir! Watch Mitt Romney’s “over the line” standup set and Barack Obama’s totally right one, after the jump. Read more on Lawrence O’Donnell Not Amused By Mitt Romney’s ‘Over The Line’ Al Smith Dinner Standup Set (Video)…