Tag Archives: 2011

  occupy 2012

2012: A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy As the Human World Breaks Apart

The modern idea that human civilization would collapse in 2012 supposedly goes back to another overextended American empire on its last legs, that of the Maya. But like so much wrong thinking now popular in today’s United States, this concept made its first impression on the nation’s nervous consciousness through the teevee screen. In Search Of, the syndicated paranormal program hosted by Leonard Nimoy, claimed that the Mesoamerican long count calendar came to an end on December 24, 2011. (That date has moved a year forward in today’s paranoid circles.) You are probably waiting for the “Ron Paul connection,” at this point, and it is this: According to Leonard Nimoy reading a script for a pseudoscience documentary series in 1977, the end of the Mayan calendar would bring a cataclysmic earthquake, the collapse of the dominant civilization, and the creation of an internationalist New World Order. Actual scholars of the ancient Mayan culture, however, believe the end of the calendar would bring not disaster, but a wonderful celebration. Who’s right? WHO WILL WIN? Read more on 2012: A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy As the Human World Breaks Apart…
  good-bye to all that

Everything Must Go! Iraq War Joins 2011’s List of Worn-Out Evil Things

Our latest War Against Iraq is over, did you hear? The NYT home page helpfully put the years of the war in the headline, like you might for an obituary of Amy Winehouse or Dick Cheney: 2003-2011. That’s a long war, even compared to wars we supposedly won, like World War II. (Not quite as long as the War Against Afghanistan, though … that phustercluck has already dragged on longer than any U.S. war, including the American Revolution.) And what makes this nine-year-long Iraq War “over,” anyway? Because Obama said it was over? Uhh, okay we guess! That sure was a great Ticker Tape parade in Times Square, and now we’re just doing vodka shots and eating oysters with some hot USO gal we met at Penn Station, or whatever people are supposed to do when wars are won. Anyway, it’s time to say good-bye to ALL OF THE THINGS nobody likes anymore, because 2011 was the year when the citizens of Earth finally got up, took a good look around, and said, “Wow. This crap has got to stop..” Read more on Everything Must Go! Iraq War Joins 2011’s List of Worn-Out Evil Things…
  grim holiday traditions

Turkey In Wholesome American Guts: Thanksgiving Prayer 2011

We began posting this Thanksgiving Prayer by William S. Burroughs back in 2006. And something weird has happened in the years since. The deadpan list of Bloody American Triumphs sounds less like sarcasm in our Terrible Year of the Lord 2010 2011, and more like an elegy. Read more on Turkey In Wholesome American Guts: Thanksgiving Prayer 2011…
  orientals rikey

Racial Stereotypes Would Like To Send ‘Fellow Minority’ To Congress

Here is Democrat Dan Adler of California, who is releasing a series of ridiculous Web ads these days to bring attention to his run for Jane Harman’s seat in Congress. It’s working, because this ad seems a little offensive! Not that it’s wrong to have a thick accent and work in a laundromat if you choose to. You have that freedom, you know? “America: Go Nuts!™” And you have the freedom to constantly interrupt people by yelling “I’M KOREEEEAN!” at them, if you choose to do so! This lady didn’t end that by hitting a gong, though, because she’s subtle. In other ads: Patty Duke, tight male bikinis, and swearing children. Democracy! Read more on Racial Stereotypes Would Like To Send ‘Fellow Minority’ To Congress…
  insert tag

Rahm Mayor

Rahm Emanuel, the former chief of staff to President Barack Obama, won the Chicago mayoral election Tuesday, topping the 50% threshold to avoid a run-off vote, CNN projects. Bye fucker. [CNN] Read more on Rahm Mayor…
  just have roger ebert decide

Rahm Emanuel Still Running For Job He Can’t Have

And so, even as printing of the city’s ballots was set to begin immediately at the Chicago Board of Elections (early voting is to start next Monday), all eyes were turning to the Illinois Supreme Court. The court – made up of four Democrats and three Republicans – may consider Mr. Emanuel’s request for an expedited appeal to the ruling, or it can choose not to hear the case at all. Read more on Rahm Emanuel Still Running For Job He Can’t Have…
  effing eff

Rahm Emanuel Kicked Off Chicago Ballot By F*cking Appellate Court

Though he is currently leading landslidingly in the polls, Rahm Emanuel is no longer eligible to run for mayor of Chicago, because an appellate court ruled 2-1 that he did not meet residency requirements because he did not, you know, reside there. This will be appealed to the Illinois Supreme Court, of course, which hopefully has enough Daleys or whatever on it for Rahm to get this decision overturned. Otherwise, what’s Rahm to do? It’s not like there’s a big, high-profile administration anywhere that likes to keep a full stock of Chicago Democratic personalities. Read more on Rahm Emanuel Kicked Off Chicago Ballot By F*cking Appellate Court…
  a very merry unchristmas to you

Mike Huckabee Can’t Wait Till Xmas 2011!

How many days until Christmas? Just 358 days! Oh man, next Xmas is gonna punish, especially if we get Mike Huckabee’s dream gift, which is a box of 1,000 copies of his Xmas book, signed by Jesus and pooped out by reindeer over Iowa. Thanks to “Kevin H.” for the funny bookstore picture. Read more on Mike Huckabee Can’t Wait Till Xmas 2011!…
  hipsters or douchebags?

Happy New Year, Washington (Be Nice To Your Liver!)

Because everyone spent 2010 impoverished and hungry, watching luscious BP oil spill into the Gulf and belittling America by enjoying a sport loved by Latinos, New Year’s festivities this year may be a little less exciting. But as 2010 could very well be the last year America can even afford to have its own New Year’s celebration, there’s no sense in skipping the parties this year. May 2011 be the year you drink like you have preexisting condition, love like you’re gay in the military and fall back in love with our Kenyan Master. Hello, 2011! Read more on Happy New Year, Washington (Be Nice To Your Liver!)…
  new year's resolutions

Make the Most Out of 2011 Before It All Goes to Hell

Thanks to all the limbless gay soldiers, 2011 could very well be the last full year our great earth exists. It’s a shame, really, considering how much we’ve invested in soldiers (even the gay ones) over the years. It’s also the year when D.C. will become One and we’ll have to say goodbye to dedicated bike lanes, wine bars, food trucks, et cetera, and so forth. It has Been Written that 2012 is The End, so we guess the only appropriate thing to do is make the best out of whatever 2011 we get. Unless we realize we’re all limbless gay soldiers who hate wine bars anyway? Read more on Make the Most Out of 2011 Before It All Goes to Hell…
  chiseling the mausoleum

Roland Burris To Be the Best Mayor of Chicago Ever

Supporters of Roland W. Burris, who is packing up his United States Senate office this week to come home to Chicago, have filed the necessary paperwork so that he may seek the city’s top job. […] Read more on Roland Burris To Be the Best Mayor of Chicago Ever…
  fake!!!!!1!!1!

Stilted Rahm Goes Entire Announcement Video Without Swears

Yes, he lets off a “gangbanger,” but where is the passionate Rahm Emanuel in this announcement video, the one with all the swears? Rahm asks people to talk to him in “blunt Chicago terms,” but he won’t do that himself? Sure, we expect him to temper his rhetoric for the new electorate, but that only means changing “fuckwit crusty old tampon” into “fuckwit crusty old tampon deep-dish pizza, da Bears.” Whatever. Rahm Emanuel will have to withdraw soon anyway, because this video contains a huge lie: Read more on Stilted Rahm Goes Entire Announcement Video Without Swears…
  either way he is screaming right now

Rahm Emanuel Is Going To Be the President Obama Of Chicago

Chicago Mayor Richard Daley said today that he won’t run for re-election in 2011. But wait, the blogosphere remembered, doesn’t Rahm Emanuel want that job? DRUDGE SIRENS! “I would like to run for the mayor of the city of Chicago.” That is something Rahm told Charlie Rose one time! And then Chris Cillizza called up the guy who was at the White House fixing the Obama kids’ swing set today: “A senior Obama Administration official said Emanuel is likely to run for the post. ‘I’d be shocked if he doesn’t run,’ the official said.” Now we can move on to guessing who will fill Rahm’s spot at the White House, and then we can speculate who will fill that person’s job, etc. etc. etc. Read more on Rahm Emanuel Is Going To Be the President Obama Of Chicago…
  unleash the campaign-documents-raken

Levi Johnston Files Candidacy For Mayor of Wasilla Hearts

Internet municipal-election registration-document compendium TMZ has obtained Levi Johnston’s Alaska Public Offices Commission letter of intent to run for office in Wasilla. Apparently Levi is running for “City of Wasilla 2011.” Is it possible to be elected a city rather than just elected to an office of that city? IT’S UP TO THE VOTERS. Read more on Levi Johnston Files Candidacy For Mayor of Wasilla Hearts…
  oh great

Israeli Government Releases Iran Attack Plans To Atlantic Monthly

Israel’s official daily briefing, the Atlantic Monthly, has a hot new announcement about how Israel is going to attack Iran, this coming spring, just like in the good old days of Reagan and the mujahideen. What could go wrong?! Oh, everything. Read more on Israeli Government Releases Iran Attack Plans To Atlantic Monthly…