Tag Archives: 2010

  there's a conspiracy by everyone to not like her!

Christine O’Donnell: FBI Is Under Spell of Evil Warlock Joe Biden

Christine O’Donnell has put out a press release about her investigation by the FBI for misuse of her campaign funds, spent on personal expenses and a hovel-condo where she cooked lost children, presumably. Somehow, the press has not taken this statement and immediately reprinted the important facts it has brought to light. “So given that the King of the Delaware Political Establishment just so happens to be the Vice President of the most liberal Presidential administration in U.S. history, it is no surprise that misuse and abuse of the FBI would not be off the table.” Aha! Joe Biden has mixed up and fed to the unassuming FBI a potion that makes them go after only America’s very best patriots. Read more on Christine O’Donnell: FBI Is Under Spell of Evil Warlock Joe Biden…
  top ramen larceny

FBI To Put Christine O’Donnell In Azkaban For Campaign Fraud

An anonymous source has told AP that perennial Senate witch Christine O’Donnell is under investigation by the FBI for campaign fraud. Which is too bad, because the entire news media would like to high-five this source right now. So how did the crack FBI team figure out that O’Donnell was “using campaign money to pay personal expenses”? Perhaps they talked to someone who has read any news story about her ever, aside from those about the precise blueprints of her vaginal bat cave. Is the entire Tea Party gang and its fundraising prowess nothing more than the result of an illegal witch spell? Read more on FBI To Put Christine O’Donnell In Azkaban For Campaign Fraud…
  more man than us

The Year In Lovable Crazy Longshot Midterm Candidates

This year, we saw some stellar legitimate candidates for Congress who were crazy and won their party’s nomination, such as Sharron Angle and Christine O’Donnell. But there were also some other, more mentally unstable longshot candidates. These candidates brought interesting new personalities and ideas to the fore, such as the notion of traffic-stop slavery, that had been grossly ignored by the media. They may not have had political connections, jobs, or any campaign organization to speak of. But their faith in the democratic process and the marketplace of ideas gave us hope. And funny YouTube videos. Read more on The Year In Lovable Crazy Longshot Midterm Candidates…
  it's morning in america

Evil White Substance Invades East Coast But Spares D.C. Cute Panic

Around this time last year, an HISTORIC EVENT that could “only” be described by the adorable moniker “SNOWPOCALYPSE” destroyed our nation’s capital, forever. Yesterday, a similar event occured in the Northeast, where such a thing is known as a “blizzard” or “above-average snowfall.” These northeasterners, strangely, did not immediately kill themselves so as not to face the horror of seeing a foot or two of menacing powder on the ground, and rather are working on getting it out of the way and going about their business. But that doesn’t mean D.C. shouldn’t panic anyway. The Washington Post has some helpful facts on how this has ruined Washington’s transportation networks for all of time. Hooray! [WP] Read more on Evil White Substance Invades East Coast But Spares D.C. Cute Panic… Read more on Evil White Substance Invades East Coast But Spares D.C. Cute Panic…
  print out ur internets

Wonkette Senate Obstruction Trading Cards Will Ruin Your Child’s Christmas

As we look back on the 111th Congress, we will remember two things: a mediocre (but actually successful!) health care bill and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and a bit and lots of Republican obstructionism. To mark the end of this joyous legislative year, your Wonkette has gone on this Internet thing for children (such as your editor) to make collectible trading cards of the Senate’s top obstructionists. You can even print them out and give them to children for Christmas! If you hate children, that is. Read more on Wonkette Senate Obstruction Trading Cards Will Ruin Your Child’s Christmas…
  we got you this stuff

Wonkette’s Best Ever Cyber Friday 2010 War On Xmas Gift Guide

Did you think we’d forget? With just eight days of Xmas Shopping before the Big Day when you go in the bathroom and shoot yourself because you can’t afford presents, again, this Christmas Holiday Season is shaping up to be the best ever! And we’ve got a very special selection of gift ideas to prove you care enough to look at a political joke website instead of doing some “Cyber Friday” last-minute charging on the almost-revoked credit card! Please get a cup of hot chocolate anything alcoholic and enjoy these yuletide gems. Read more on Wonkette’s Best Ever Cyber Friday 2010 War On Xmas Gift Guide…
  wondrous american waterways

Crying John Boehner Wants You To Stop Saying He Tans

America’s single greatest achievement, John Boehner, was interviewed on last night’s 60 Minutes, and, thanks to his stage mom standing off camera, yelling at him to cry on cue, he didn’t disappoint. “I’ve never been in a tanning salon in my life, I’ve never used a tanning product in my life,” he said, his tears taking on an orange hue as they flowed down his face. “Burnt Sienna,” not “Peach,” is the natural skin color of white people, you see, despite what seven-year-olds coloring with a box of crayons will tell you. Other things John Boehner that will make this man cry: walking into a school — something he will never do again because of the tears, so our education crisis is now solved — and Barack Obama saying he is a mean hostage man. Read more on Crying John Boehner Wants You To Stop Saying He Tans…
  joe miller will concede in 2012

Now That Nobody Cares & Obama Is Republican, Dem Wins Last House Race

Hooray for the Democrats! Congressman Tim Bishop (D-NY) finally defeated his Republican challenger, some guy. This means the GOP only has 242 seats in the House, and the Democrats have 193. According to Senate rules established last year, 242 isn’t really a solid majority over 193, so the Democrats control the House of Representatives. Unfortunately, Barack Obama literally turned into Ronald Reagan this week, and he/it has vowed to veto all legislation from the Democrat-controlled Congress — unless the legislation is actually written and approved by Republicans. Read more on Now That Nobody Cares & Obama Is Republican, Dem Wins Last House Race…
  we're saved!

House GOP Ends Climate-Change Committee Because It’s Not Real

Because Republicans won a majority in the House in the 2010 elections, climate change no longer exists. Hooray! Jim Sensenbrenner announced that Republicans will be getting rid of the Select Committee on Energy Independence and Global Warming when they take over, so it held its last hearing today so everyone could sign each other’s climate-change committee yearbooks or whatever. So why does this very important issue no longer need special congressional attention? It turns out global warming never existed! Whoops! Why didn’t those silly Democrats listen to the Republicans? Here they are holding hearings about the future of the Earth itself, and the whole time our goofy planet wasn’t warming up at all! What a hilarious blooper! Read more on House GOP Ends Climate-Change Committee Because It’s Not Real…
  le petit prince

Joe Barton Sent Around This Dumb PowerPoint To Republicans

Republican caucus! Republican caucus! Look what Joe Barton made! He put together a slideshow about how he will be the best Energy and Commerce chairman ever. He worked really hard on it, as you can see from the slide above comparing the denying of access to health care to being the good guys in World War II, so someone should print this out and put it on the fridge. Read more on Joe Barton Sent Around This Dumb PowerPoint To Republicans…
  what do you expect from children

Adorable Earmark-Ban Vote Fails Miserably

The Senate on Tuesday morning defeated a proposal from Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.) to ban congressional earmarks. In a 39-56 vote, members defeated a temporary ban on the appropriations procedure. The moratorium was offered as an amendment to a food-safety bill that is scheduled for a final vote Tuesday morning. Read more on Adorable Earmark-Ban Vote Fails Miserably…
  republicans we have a bobsled team

John Boehner, Mitch McConnell Will Tell Americans What They Want

Americans have no idea what they want, having given their nation’s leaders no clear mandate for what to do the next few years. So Republicans, as always, will be around to tell Americans what they want. John Boehner and Mitch McConnell are meeting with Barack Obama today to tell him this, and they also put it in a handy op-ed: “Republicans got the message voters have been delivering for more than a year. That’s why we made a pledge to America to cut spending, rein in government, and permanently extend the current tax rates so small-business owners won’t get hit with a massive tax hike at the end of December. That’s what Americans want.” Vague sentiments about deficit spending and continued tax cuts for those making much more money than them. Yes, that sounds like what Americans want. Stick that Boehner in there and make them moan. Read more on John Boehner, Mitch McConnell Will Tell Americans What They Want…
  look who finally came up with his post-election analysis

David Broder Thinks Lisa Murkowski Should Be President Or Something

“I think that’s what voters are looking for. I don’t think that most are looking for somebody that is going to follow the litmus test of one party or another, and never deviate from it. I think they want us to think, and I think they want us to work cooperatively together. So, that’s my pledge to all Alaskans, regardless of whether you are the most conservative Republican or the most liberal Democrat, I’m going to try to find a way that we can find common ground to help the state and to help our country.” Read more on David Broder Thinks Lisa Murkowski Should Be President Or Something…
  the crying game

Nancy Pelosi Doesn’t Understand Why John Boehner Cries So Much

Nancy Pelosi did an interview with Sunday’s The New York Times Magazine in which she let America know that she was not put on the cover of a different, money-hemorrhaging magazine (Time) when she became House speaker. But John Boehner was on the front of that magazine recently, promoting his new role as the star of The Cat in the Hat 2, because he is a MAN. Nancy Pelosi does not like this, even though she says she doesn’t care, so she took the time to tell everyone John Boehner is a big crybaby who weeps over things that don’t matter (like getting a new job title), whereas she barely ever cries because her entire body is made out of testicles. Read more on Nancy Pelosi Doesn’t Understand Why John Boehner Cries So Much…