Tag Archives: 2010

  wondrous american waterways

Crying John Boehner Wants You To Stop Saying He Tans

America’s single greatest achievement, John Boehner, was interviewed on last night’s 60 Minutes, and, thanks to his stage mom standing off camera, yelling at him to cry on cue, he didn’t disappoint. “I’ve never been in a tanning salon in my life, I’ve never used a tanning product in my life,” he said, his tears taking on an orange hue as they flowed down his face. “Burnt Sienna,” not “Peach,” is the natural skin color of white people, you see, despite what seven-year-olds coloring with a box of crayons will tell you. Other things John Boehner that will make this man cry: walking into a school — something he will never do again because of the tears, so our education crisis is now solved — and Barack Obama saying he is a mean hostage man. Read more on Crying John Boehner Wants You To Stop Saying He Tans…
  joe miller will concede in 2012

Now That Nobody Cares & Obama Is Republican, Dem Wins Last House Race

Hooray for the Democrats! Congressman Tim Bishop (D-NY) finally defeated his Republican challenger, some guy. This means the GOP only has 242 seats in the House, and the Democrats have 193. According to Senate rules established last year, 242 isn’t really a solid majority over 193, so the Democrats control the House of Representatives. Unfortunately, Barack Obama literally turned into Ronald Reagan this week, and he/it has vowed to veto all legislation from the Democrat-controlled Congress — unless the legislation is actually written and approved by Republicans. Read more on Now That Nobody Cares & Obama Is Republican, Dem Wins Last House Race…
  we're saved!

House GOP Ends Climate-Change Committee Because It’s Not Real

Because Republicans won a majority in the House in the 2010 elections, climate change no longer exists. Hooray! Jim Sensenbrenner announced that Republicans will be getting rid of the Select Committee on Energy Independence and Global Warming when they take over, so it held its last hearing today so everyone could sign each other’s climate-change committee yearbooks or whatever. So why does this very important issue no longer need special congressional attention? It turns out global warming never existed! Whoops! Why didn’t those silly Democrats listen to the Republicans? Here they are holding hearings about the future of the Earth itself, and the whole time our goofy planet wasn’t warming up at all! What a hilarious blooper! Read more on House GOP Ends Climate-Change Committee Because It’s Not Real…
  le petit prince

Joe Barton Sent Around This Dumb PowerPoint To Republicans

Republican caucus! Republican caucus! Look what Joe Barton made! He put together a slideshow about how he will be the best Energy and Commerce chairman ever. He worked really hard on it, as you can see from the slide above comparing the denying of access to health care to being the good guys in World War II, so someone should print this out and put it on the fridge. Read more on Joe Barton Sent Around This Dumb PowerPoint To Republicans…
  what do you expect from children

Adorable Earmark-Ban Vote Fails Miserably

The Senate on Tuesday morning defeated a proposal from Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.) to ban congressional earmarks. In a 39-56 vote, members defeated a temporary ban on the appropriations procedure. The moratorium was offered as an amendment to a food-safety bill that is scheduled for a final vote Tuesday morning. Read more on Adorable Earmark-Ban Vote Fails Miserably…
  republicans we have a bobsled team

John Boehner, Mitch McConnell Will Tell Americans What They Want

Americans have no idea what they want, having given their nation’s leaders no clear mandate for what to do the next few years. So Republicans, as always, will be around to tell Americans what they want. John Boehner and Mitch McConnell are meeting with Barack Obama today to tell him this, and they also put it in a handy op-ed: “Republicans got the message voters have been delivering for more than a year. That’s why we made a pledge to America to cut spending, rein in government, and permanently extend the current tax rates so small-business owners won’t get hit with a massive tax hike at the end of December. That’s what Americans want.” Vague sentiments about deficit spending and continued tax cuts for those making much more money than them. Yes, that sounds like what Americans want. Stick that Boehner in there and make them moan. Read more on John Boehner, Mitch McConnell Will Tell Americans What They Want…
  look who finally came up with his post-election analysis

David Broder Thinks Lisa Murkowski Should Be President Or Something

“I think that’s what voters are looking for. I don’t think that most are looking for somebody that is going to follow the litmus test of one party or another, and never deviate from it. I think they want us to think, and I think they want us to work cooperatively together. So, that’s my pledge to all Alaskans, regardless of whether you are the most conservative Republican or the most liberal Democrat, I’m going to try to find a way that we can find common ground to help the state and to help our country.” Read more on David Broder Thinks Lisa Murkowski Should Be President Or Something…
  the crying game

Nancy Pelosi Doesn’t Understand Why John Boehner Cries So Much

Nancy Pelosi did an interview with Sunday’s The New York Times Magazine in which she let America know that she was not put on the cover of a different, money-hemorrhaging magazine (Time) when she became House speaker. But John Boehner was on the front of that magazine recently, promoting his new role as the star of The Cat in the Hat 2, because he is a MAN. Nancy Pelosi does not like this, even though she says she doesn’t care, so she took the time to tell everyone John Boehner is a big crybaby who weeps over things that don’t matter (like getting a new job title), whereas she barely ever cries because her entire body is made out of testicles. Read more on Nancy Pelosi Doesn’t Understand Why John Boehner Cries So Much…
  franking terrorists

Fancy Flying John Boehner Not Subject To Death Porn Tubes Or Pat-Downs

Yes, the government of the United States of America does have to rub down your child’s genitals before he or she boards an airplane, because American toddlers are constantly being moved by their religious and political convictions to blow up large modes of transportation. But what about John Boehner? Nah, he’s fine. We don’t need to check him at all, much less make him go through even a metal detector. “Mr. Boehner, who was wearing a casual yellow sweater and tan slacks, carried his own bags and smiled pleasantly at passengers who were leaving the security checkpoint inside the airport terminal. It was unclear whether any passengers waiting in the security line, including Representative Allen Boyd, a Florida Democrat who lost his re-election bid, saw Mr. Boehner.” Like everything the TSA does, this absurd anecdote makes a lot of sense. Read more on Fancy Flying John Boehner Not Subject To Death Porn Tubes Or Pat-Downs…
  clio bait

Social Security Ad Was Actually Too Terrible For Sharron Angle To Air

Remember early on in Sharron Angle’s campaign when her staff was only composed of people who had no idea how to run a campaign? This is an ad they made with some elderly volunteers in the desert. Unfortunately, this ad didn’t air, because even Sharron Angle could see how bad and unprofessional (Did or did not Harry Reid vote against declaring English our national lap?) it was. Read more on Social Security Ad Was Actually Too Terrible For Sharron Angle To Air…
  in with the old

Earth-Shattering Midterm Elections Result In Same Congress Leadership

The new Senate leadership has been voted on, and because November 2 was such a huge election in which the nation unequivocally told the government EVERYTHING IS WRONG AND MUST CHANGE, ALL THANKS TO THAT MR. HOPE GUY, the exact same leadership has been re-elected on both sides. Yes, that evil socialist Harry Reid has lost his job to Senate newcomer Harry Reid, and the Teabaggers overthrew Mitch McConnell in favor of rising conservative hero Mitch McConnell. Coupling this with the expectation that Nancy Pelosi’s team and John Boehner’s people will all get to keep their respective party roles, more or less, it’s an astonishing reminder of just how much things changed in these fateful reindeer-dildo midterm elections. Read more on Earth-Shattering Midterm Elections Result In Same Congress Leadership…
  personal assistants

Expert President Man Newt Gingrich Tells Obama To Take Rest of Year Off

Hey, there’s Newt Gingrich on CBN, the news channel that God watches. (Well, they don’t have a Nielsen box up there, but everyone is pretty sure He watches their shows, at least during Fox News commercial breaks.) And so this “servant-reporter” asked famed U.S. president and presidential advisor Newt Gingrich for his advice on what Obama should do this year. Gingrich’s response? Do nothing at all! Stop being president for a couple months and go bury yourself in a hole or whatever. Play laser tag all day if you want. Whatever you have to do to pretend the country doesn’t have any pressing problems for a while and to act like Ronald Reagan. Read more on Expert President Man Newt Gingrich Tells Obama To Take Rest of Year Off…
  live under government health care and die or die

Anti-Obamacare Congressman Angry His Healthcare Won’t Start Right Away

Andy Harris is an anesthesiologist and newly-elected Republican member of Congress from Maryland who ran on an anti-health-care-reform platform, but at an orientation yesterday, he got VERY ANGRY that the government will not provide him with free health care instantly after being sworn into office in January. The government is ruining our nation’s health by making it easier for citizens to get health care, and it is also ruining our nation’s health by making it harder for congressional citizens to get health care. Yeah, seems like a pretty consistent, populist position. Read more on Anti-Obamacare Congressman Angry His Healthcare Won’t Start Right Away…
  own medicine

Teabaggers Already Annoying the Crap Out of Their New Congressmen

Teabagger candidates that won on November 2 have, up to this point, been pretty happy that Teabaggers and their weird, misplaced anger-y fervor helped elect them to office. But that’s all about to change, because Teabaggers are planning on annoying “their” new members of Congress until these legislators run out of the Capitol screaming and pulling their hair out from all the constant, intrusive stupidity. Their first brush with this plan came at the end of last week, when the Tea Party Patriots told their members to call the new members of Congress to go to their “orientation” INSTEAD of the one held by the Claremont Institute on the same day. Unsurprisingly, the organization had forgotten to notify them of the event in the first place, and their membership responded by gathering up private phone and address information and just cold stalking the bejesus out of these people. Read more on Teabaggers Already Annoying the Crap Out of Their New Congressmen…
  and babar is about elephants! so!

And Finally, the Best Midterm Election Analysis: It Was ‘Toy Story 3′

Andrew Klavan is a screenwriter of crappy crime movies and no longer has a job writing for Pajamas Media, so obviously his editorials are taken VERY SERIOUSLY by the LA Times. So when this man says the complex, nationwide, real-life event known as the 2010 midterm elections are merely an allegory of Toy Story 3, this is something that is printed in an actual newspaper. Good work, America! You perfectly recreated the plot of an animated children’s movie. And NO, we do not have that allegory the other way around — the election came after that movie, and just like the movie, it was a repudiation of communism. You remember all the communism in that cartoon, right? Read more on And Finally, the Best Midterm Election Analysis: It Was ‘Toy Story 3′…
  polls always make sense

Silly American Public Kind of Wants New Republican Majority To Compromise

Turns out the American public is not all that excited about the new GOP Congress, and it wants them to “compromise”: While Republicans steamrolled to a big victory in the House and made significant gains in the Senate in last week’s election, there is less enthusiasm this year for the GOP win and its plans for the future than there was for the Democrats’ takeover of Congress in 2006 and the Republican capture of the House in 1994, according to a Pew Research Center poll conducted Nov. 4-7. […] Read more on Silly American Public Kind of Wants New Republican Majority To Compromise…
  too good for this job

Allen West Drops His Crazy Radio-Host Insurrectionist Chief of Staff

You mean to tell us Allen West got rid of the insurrectionist he chose to be his chief of staff — that woman who wants to shoot up all his soon-to-be colleagues and probably give away governmental secrets on her conservative radio host job? Surprising. Those people are always the best employees. Read more on Allen West Drops His Crazy Radio-Host Insurrectionist Chief of Staff…
  premature obituaries

The Dream That Is Michele Bachmann Has Finally Died

For Michele Bachmann, this was the year. Her party took back the House. She raised more money than ever. She set up a PAC to buy the devotion of her colleagues. MICHELE BACHMANN WAS FINALLY GOING PLACES IN THIS WHOLE POWER THING. So she ran for Republican Conference leader. She was finally going to destroy and conquer the party leadership from the inside. Yet tonight, she’s given up. Her prospects were so bad she couldn’t even make it to the vote. And despite all the hype in this election, it’s a final nail in the coffin of crazy. Crazy was exploited by the old guard, but then when it really counted, crazy promptly lost. And so the terrifying vision of Michele Bachmann taking over this country has died. Big sale on Truck Nutz. FOR NOW. Read more on The Dream That Is Michele Bachmann Has Finally Died…
  arranged marriage

Nobody Thinks Barack Obama and John Boehner Will Be Friends

Barack Obama and John Boehner are going to have to work with one another if they want to get any sort of legislation passed in the next two years. The problem is that one of those two people probably wants to get stuff passed, but that second guy would rather get drunk on the reg and cover himself in orange paint on the reg. The New York Times asked some people around Washington if these two guys will ever hang out and get things done like Tip O’Neill and Ronald Reagan or Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton did, and everyone basically said no. But with the power of the Internet, we made the Venn diagram above, based on Google Suggest data. According to search-engine users, Barack Obama, John Boehner, and Bill Clinton are black and Jewish. So at least they have that in common! Read more on Nobody Thinks Barack Obama and John Boehner Will Be Friends…
  never cross the snowbilly grifter

GOP Congressman Who Blames Sarah Palin For Everything Now Sort of Sorry

Sarah Palin, the most perfect living human being since Jesus, made absolutely perfect Senate picks — all of them lost. In several cases, her vain and idiotic intrusions cost the GOP perfectly safe races. Just to bring back the sweet memories of Election Day 2010, here are the Senate candidates “helped” by Palin: Sharron Angle in Nevada, John Raese in West Virginia, Carly Fiorina in California, Joe Miller in Alaska and Christine O’Donnell in Delaware. Those last two spectacular failures can be blamed on a specific kind of moronic meddling that should be trademarked by Palin: Her support of Joe Miller was nothing more than the latest rotten fruit of her longstanding grudge against popular Alaskan Republican Lisa Murkowski, and her backing of loony lightweight Christine O’Donnell seemed to be based on nothing beyond Palin seeing a reflection of her vapid self in the empty eyes of a Delaware never-was. Read more on GOP Congressman Who Blames Sarah Palin For Everything Now Sort of Sorry…