Tag Archives: 2010

  the call is coming from inside the state!

Michael Steele Called Upon To Prove Some Republican Isn’t Racist

Irrepressible scamp and incidental former lieutenant governor of Maryland Michael Steele testified Thursday as a character witness for Paul Schurick, an adviser in former Maryland governor Bob Ehrlich’s failed 2010 gubernatorial campaign who is in trouble for allegedly putting together an election-day robocall effort to drive down black turnout in the race. Schurick lined up a two-day flood of character witnesses including Steele and others (taking all comers, obviously!) who will talk about, oh who knows, the winsome glint of his eyes under the harvest moon? His unimpeachable church-goingness? And God, and the Bible? Pretty much his defense is trying to convince the jury that Schurick only approved the robocalls on accident because look at how Michael Steele is black, and he sure does like Shurick! Case closed. And with respect to the roboscript in question, there has probably never been a more noble defense of the idea of participatory democracy. Read more on Michael Steele Called Upon To Prove Some Republican Isn’t Racist…
  hollywood witches

Christine O’Donnell Attacks Her Own Witch Commercial, Which Was the Only Good Thing She Ever Did

Some newsroom intern in Delaware lost a bet and had to skim Christine O’Donnell’s latest attempt to cash in on her three failed Senate campaigns — “her 358-page book.” Worst assignment ever! Other than a few hundred pages of generic Tea Party filler, O’Donnell is mostly sad about her own hilarious “I’m not a witch” ad, which she very unconvincingly claims she somehow didn’t approve, even though she’s in the ad, reading the dumb lines, and also she’s copied on all her campaign staff emails approving the commercial. Read more on Christine O’Donnell Attacks Her Own Witch Commercial, Which Was the Only Good Thing She Ever Did…
  christine didn't go 'anywhere'

Christine O’Donnell Reminds Everyone She Still Wants Some of Their Money

Oh, look what nonsense is filling up our inbox already this morning! Unemployed sorceress Christine O’Donnell is out and about grifting with the pros these days, hawking her new memoir that some Tea Party guy thinks you should buy out of “love and support” for this person you had almost entirely forgotten existed until she started whining to everyone again that she still does not have that job America owes her. Christine knows all about our founding fathers, probably not like some other unemployed grifters you may have heard about, and would you please reward Christine now? Read more on Christine O’Donnell Reminds Everyone She Still Wants Some of Their Money…
  ms. dos

Christine O’Donnell Blames Living Off Campaign Funds On Bad Software

According to former U.S. Senate candidate-witch Christine O’Donnell, her troubles over her fundraising reports are due to “inadvertent errors” in the software that was used by her campaign. Computers, you see, are dumb, and Christine O’Donnell is smart. Does this explain how the computer decided to rent out a townhouse for her on the campaign’s dime? No. And even if the computer did rent out the place, did she just go, “Oh, you’re paying rent for me on a townhouse, computer? That’s so nice of you! If you have certain manly needs, computer, let me know. That means I will have sex with you, if you can’t understand innuendo.” What kind of finance software just “automatically” buys you homes and groceries anyway? Was she using The Sims? THAT’S NOT BOOKKEEPING SOFTWARE. Read more on Christine O’Donnell Blames Living Off Campaign Funds On Bad Software…
  the saddest man on earth

Lawsuit Forces Charlie Crist To Make Humiliating YouTube Apology Video

If he hadn’t tried for the Senate, Charlie Crist might be running for president right now. Instead, as the result of that David Byrne lawsuit, he looks like he was kidnapped while out selling his wedding ring at a pawn shop and has been forced at gunpoint to read off a list of demands in a poorly lit basement. So, things always work out in the end. Read more on Lawsuit Forces Charlie Crist To Make Humiliating YouTube Apology Video…
  just like her favorite conspiracy theorists

Sharron Angle Forced To Self-Publish Her Book

Oh how the mighty crazies fall. Tea party favorite Sharron Angle is spending thousands of dollars to self-publish an autobiography about her life and values. […] As a self-publisher, Angle has control over the design and editing of her book, titled “Right Angle.” The Nevada Republican is hoping for an April release. Read more on Sharron Angle Forced To Self-Publish Her Book…
  the gray lady has alzheimer's

Huntsman Using Secret Mormon Time Machine To Run For “2010” Presidency

How is this not bigger news, New York Times? The ambassador to China has resigned to go back in time and run for a special midterm presidential election nobody knew about? Nice try, Huntsman, but although the unenlightened media couldn’t see it or understand the rules at the time, Alvin Greene already won that election. And he will continue to win it. Because he will not try to win it. [screengrab courtesy Wonkette operative “Ryan T.”] Read more on Huntsman Using Secret Mormon Time Machine To Run For “2010” Presidency…
  but will they also let her sell her crazy pills?

Sharron Angle Running For President of Makeup

What would Harry Reid be doing right now if he hadn’t miraculously come back to win Senate re-election? Well, this is apparently what the second-place finisher is supposed to do: “An evening of glamour with special guest Sharron Angle.” Ah, the makeup convention. “Sharron will be sharing her beauty and makeup challenges during the campaign and how she overcame them!” A feminist call to action. Read more on Sharron Angle Running For President of Makeup…
  she's back!

Defeated Nutbar Sharron Angle Obviously Considering Presidential Bid

It seems like only three months ago that Nevada nutbar Sharron Angle was handily defeated by dull Democrat Harry Reid, but Sharron Angle remembers this moment just like it was last November. She remembers, and she knows America remembers, too. She knows that in her loss, what really happened is that all of America stood weeping in salute of Our Flag, with a shotgun, and said to themselves, “Sharron Angle, we would totally vote for you if you were running against a negro.” Read more on Defeated Nutbar Sharron Angle Obviously Considering Presidential Bid…
  let me help you with that

Woman Getting Shot Through the Brain Opens Up AZ-8 For Dude

Unfortunately for Gabrielle Giffords’ 2010 midterm opponent, Teabagger Jesse Kelly, just as he was about to announce another run against her in the next election, Giffords was shot through the head at point-blank range when she was out serving her constituents. Fiddlesticks! What bad luck! Kelly canceled the announcement. But say Jesse Kelly had this friend, right? And this friend was wondering what would happen to Giffords’ seat in Congress. She’s not, uh, she’s not using it right now, right? Whoops: “Yesterday’s item about Jesse Kelly exploring a special election for the CD8 seat in the wake of Giffords’ shooting created waves in Tucson political circles.” Read more on Woman Getting Shot Through the Brain Opens Up AZ-8 For Dude…
  genius moves by people who want attention

Coy Loughner Upsets Political World By Being Registered Independent

The media are going to dig up information about Arizona alleged murdertard Jared Loughner until his every thought and last inane syllogism have been broadcast to the American public. A star has been born! (You really shouldn’t give the youngs the satisfaction of instant fame for something like this. That’s all 22-year-olds want. Learn this insight and more from the Internet’s smartest rising young political blogger, Jack Stuef, who is on Twitter.) Idiots of both partisan shades of excrement are trying to prove Loughner is a member of the other’s political party, despite the now rampant evidence he just thinks in inane syllogisms about space shuttles. And unfortunately, he registered as an independent, which, for the hyper partisans out there, is his worst crime of all. Read more on Coy Loughner Upsets Political World By Being Registered Independent…
  wizarding wars

Christine O’Donnell’s Lawyer Will ‘Fix’ Campaign Docs To Please FBI Aurors

Christine O’Donnell’s lawyer has told the FEC that she will be going through O’Donnell’s campaign spending records to “fix” things. So the FBI really doesn’t even need to investigate her, because all of the money spent on her daily stock of Lean Cuisines will suddenly be moved under some innocuous-sounding part of the records. Everything is all fixed! Christine O’Donnell did have a way to make a living during all those years running for the Senate, and it wasn’t taking money out of her campaign contributions or selling stories about her pubic hair to Gawker. This was all one big misunderstanding! Though when this sort of thing happens, it just makes you sound more guilty. Read more on Christine O’Donnell’s Lawyer Will ‘Fix’ Campaign Docs To Please FBI Aurors…
  the decomposed jaws of defeat

Hey Look, Joe Miller Finally Quit

Happy New Year! Joe Miller must have had to wait until 2011 to quit being an asshole for tax purposes. Yeah, that’s it. Let’s see how he starts his statement: Read more on Hey Look, Joe Miller Finally Quit…
  a nation challenged

A Year of Funny Fotos: 2010 In Dumb Pictures

Wait a minute, 2010 is over already? And here we are still writing “Fuck the Pope” on our checks! Well, whatever, everything must end — even horrible things like “the year 2010.” And who are the handsome Teutonic Princes in this particular photograph? Just some Midwest Nazis kickin’ it old-skool. The one circled is GOP rising star/”young gun” Rich Iott, who was all set to become the new teabagger congressman from Ohio, but then he somehow lost because THE JEWS were upset just because he likes to dress up in Nazi SS uniforms and pretend to be a Nazi all the time. Jeez everybody’s got to be so “politically correct” these days, you can hardly even get away with emailing everybody pictures of the White House surrounded by a watermelon farm. What a wacky year! Read more on A Year of Funny Fotos: 2010 In Dumb Pictures…
  america's funniest home videos

America In Crisis: 2010’s Dumbest Political Videos, Part II

Many tried to top the Epic Comedy of Christine O’Donnell’s actual political commercial about being a witch, but only one brave man could approach the occult pathos of the Delaware Masturbation Witch’s official campaign advertisements, and that was this guy. Who else made us ashamed in 2010? Oh pretty much everybody, but these six videos won the Special Olympics. Read more on America In Crisis: 2010’s Dumbest Political Videos, Part II…
  shoot your youtube

2010: The Year In Dumb Political Videos

It was a magical year with magical moments, such as this “live mic” (and live camera) recording of vulgar gazillionaire Carly Fiorina running for Barbara Boxer’s Senate seat based on such insights as “Barbara Boxer’s hair is stupid.” In this short video clip, on a single morning in America (June 10, 2010), Carly lost all of her hard-won “cancer points” and immediately became the Mean Girl of the campaign — the kind of person who would fire thousands of people from one of the last American companies that made things, just because it was the mean thing to do. But what else was terrible and also on video this year? Read more on 2010: The Year In Dumb Political Videos…
  there's a conspiracy by everyone to not like her!

Christine O’Donnell: FBI Is Under Spell of Evil Warlock Joe Biden

Christine O’Donnell has put out a press release about her investigation by the FBI for misuse of her campaign funds, spent on personal expenses and a hovel-condo where she cooked lost children, presumably. Somehow, the press has not taken this statement and immediately reprinted the important facts it has brought to light. “So given that the King of the Delaware Political Establishment just so happens to be the Vice President of the most liberal Presidential administration in U.S. history, it is no surprise that misuse and abuse of the FBI would not be off the table.” Aha! Joe Biden has mixed up and fed to the unassuming FBI a potion that makes them go after only America’s very best patriots. Read more on Christine O’Donnell: FBI Is Under Spell of Evil Warlock Joe Biden…
  top ramen larceny

FBI To Put Christine O’Donnell In Azkaban For Campaign Fraud

An anonymous source has told AP that perennial Senate witch Christine O’Donnell is under investigation by the FBI for campaign fraud. Which is too bad, because the entire news media would like to high-five this source right now. So how did the crack FBI team figure out that O’Donnell was “using campaign money to pay personal expenses”? Perhaps they talked to someone who has read any news story about her ever, aside from those about the precise blueprints of her vaginal bat cave. Is the entire Tea Party gang and its fundraising prowess nothing more than the result of an illegal witch spell? Read more on FBI To Put Christine O’Donnell In Azkaban For Campaign Fraud…
  more man than us

The Year In Lovable Crazy Longshot Midterm Candidates

This year, we saw some stellar legitimate candidates for Congress who were crazy and won their party’s nomination, such as Sharron Angle and Christine O’Donnell. But there were also some other, more mentally unstable longshot candidates. These candidates brought interesting new personalities and ideas to the fore, such as the notion of traffic-stop slavery, that had been grossly ignored by the media. They may not have had political connections, jobs, or any campaign organization to speak of. But their faith in the democratic process and the marketplace of ideas gave us hope. And funny YouTube videos. Read more on The Year In Lovable Crazy Longshot Midterm Candidates…
  it's morning in america

Evil White Substance Invades East Coast But Spares D.C. Cute Panic

Around this time last year, an HISTORIC EVENT that could “only” be described by the adorable moniker “SNOWPOCALYPSE” destroyed our nation’s capital, forever. Yesterday, a similar event occured in the Northeast, where such a thing is known as a “blizzard” or “above-average snowfall.” These northeasterners, strangely, did not immediately kill themselves so as not to face the horror of seeing a foot or two of menacing powder on the ground, and rather are working on getting it out of the way and going about their business. But that doesn’t mean D.C. shouldn’t panic anyway. The Washington Post has some helpful facts on how this has ruined Washington’s transportation networks for all of time. Hooray! [WP] Read more on Evil White Substance Invades East Coast But Spares D.C. Cute Panic… Read more on Evil White Substance Invades East Coast But Spares D.C. Cute Panic…
  print out ur internets

Wonkette Senate Obstruction Trading Cards Will Ruin Your Child’s Christmas

As we look back on the 111th Congress, we will remember two things: a mediocre (but actually successful!) health care bill and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and a bit and lots of Republican obstructionism. To mark the end of this joyous legislative year, your Wonkette has gone on this Internet thing for children (such as your editor) to make collectible trading cards of the Senate’s top obstructionists. You can even print them out and give them to children for Christmas! If you hate children, that is. Read more on Wonkette Senate Obstruction Trading Cards Will Ruin Your Child’s Christmas…
  we got you this stuff

Wonkette’s Best Ever Cyber Friday 2010 War On Xmas Gift Guide

Did you think we’d forget? With just eight days of Xmas Shopping before the Big Day when you go in the bathroom and shoot yourself because you can’t afford presents, again, this Christmas Holiday Season is shaping up to be the best ever! And we’ve got a very special selection of gift ideas to prove you care enough to look at a political joke website instead of doing some “Cyber Friday” last-minute charging on the almost-revoked credit card! Please get a cup of hot chocolate anything alcoholic and enjoy these yuletide gems. Read more on Wonkette’s Best Ever Cyber Friday 2010 War On Xmas Gift Guide…