Tag Archives: 2008

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Still Hates The GOP

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
This week’s installment of The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker is a little light on content, mostly because the Sarah Palin Channel is a little light on content — 80 percent of last week’s posts were just recycled clips from Sarah Palin’s Alaska. But Sarah did find the time for her version of an Ask Me Anything, and she managed to whip up this lovely word salad, along with a nice That’s Not What That Phrase Means vinaigrette. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Still Hates The GOP…
  congress has 99 bitches but a sink ain't one

Dem Lady Alex Sink Loses Florida Special Election To Some Rich Idiot

From the state that put Allen West on the political map, and sorta-kinda gave George W. Bush the White House in 2000, comes last night’s House special election. The Dems had Alex Sink, a well-respected lady who ran for governor in 2010 and had the full backing of the party machinery. The Republicans had former Washington lobbyist David Jolly who apparently ran a terrible campaign, to the point where there was anonymous sniping in the media leading up to the election, per Politico: Over the past week, a half-dozen Washington Republicans have described Jolly’s campaign against Democrat Alex Sink as a Keystone Cops operation, marked by inept fundraising, top advisers stationed hundreds of miles away from the district in the state capital and the poor optics of a just-divorced, 41-year-old candidate accompanied on the campaign trail by a girlfriend 14 years his junior. And yet somehow Jolly won the race by about 3,500 votes. Oh Florida. Read more on Dem Lady Alex Sink Loses Florida Special Election To Some Rich Idiot…
  into the valley of derp rode the grift monger

Sarah Palin Wishes Manly Vladimir Putin Could Be Our President Instead

America, it turns out that in addition to knowing the mind of Vladimir Putin so well that she can predict his next move and only be off by five or six years, Sarah Palin also thinks that the big Russian dictator is packing a real wallop in his pants. Especially when compared to the President of the United States, who is a wimpy little 97-pound weakling. Talking with fellow foreign policy wunderkind Sean Hannity on Fox Monday, Palin explained that it’ll take more than Barack Obama’s Low-T feminine wiles to contain that wonderful beast Putin: “Look, the perception of Obama, of him and his potency across the world is one of such weakness … People are looking at Putin as one who wrestles bears and drills for oil. They look at our president as one who wears mom jeans and equivocates and bloviates.” It is believed that, immediately following the interview, Lloyd’s of London declared the half-term governor’s panties to be a total loss. Read more on Sarah Palin Wishes Manly Vladimir Putin Could Be Our President Instead…
  oh for crist's sake

Florida Gov. Rick Scott Discovers True Cause Of 2008 Recession: Previous Florida Gov. Charlie Crist

America’s Time-Travel and Causality Crisis grew worse last week as Florida Gov. Rick Scott (R-Azkaban) blamed the 2008 recession on his predecessor and likely opponent in 2014, former Gov. Charlie Crist, who served from 2007 to 2011: “We never should have had that downturn,” Scott told the Sayfie Review Florida Leaders Summit in Orlando, suggesting that Florida’s economic troubles in the midst of the global recession that spiraled out of control in 2008 after the fall of the nation’s largest investment banks was the fault of his predecessor, former Gov. Charlie Crist. It was not immediately clear whether Scott believed that Crist actually caused the banking crisis and collapse in mortgage-based securities that led to the recession, or if he held Crist responsible for failing to use powerful magic to prevent Florida from being affected by the worldwide economic decline. Read more on Florida Gov. Rick Scott Discovers True Cause Of 2008 Recession: Previous Florida Gov. Charlie Crist…
  bankers behaving badly

Justice Department Threatens to Rap Banks on Wrist, Again

Another day, another instance of bank wrongdoing, this is the world we live in! Or rather, this is the world we WOULD live in if banks were capable of engaging in wrongdoing, which of course they are not, duh. Anyway, what have the banks been accused of doing this time? Oh nothing, just engaging in massive fraud to the tune of $850,000,000, for cleverly disguising crappy mortgage-backed securities as good mortgage-backed securities and then selling them to unsuspecting investors: According to the lawsuits Bank of America made misleading statements and failed to disclose important facts about the mortgages underlying a securitisation named BOAMS 2008-A. More than 40% of the 1,191 mortgages in the securitisation did not comply with the bank’s underwriting standards, according to the complaint. “These misstatements and omissions concerned the quality and safety of the mortgages collateralising the BOAMS 2008-A securitisation, how it originated those mortgages and the likelihood that the ‘prime’ loans would perform as expected,” the justice department said in its statement. Translation: almost half of the mortgages underlying the securities were so bad that they (allegedly) did not pass Bank of America’s own underwriting standards, but were nonetheless packaged and sold as prime, which they certainly were not. BofA’s argument is 1) that their investors were “sophisticated” (translation: probably kind of rich), and 2) that everyone was doing it, Mom! Read more on Justice Department Threatens to Rap Banks on Wrist, Again…
  man bites man

Failed President Sought Companionship Of President

After Obama’s quashing of lapsed aisle-straddler John McCain in 2008, people apparently thought this loser and winner could come together and do great things, as if the election were a tie or something, as if this were post-Blair England and the leadership options were so bad that the options had to band together in a coalition of mediocrity. People (Rick Santorum) apparently thought there was a place for McCain in Obama’s icy, aloof heart. But actually there was not ever, because Obama was and remains as previously described. Still, new scandals (that isn’t true) are coming to light, namely that McCain feels he was snubbed by Obama following the election. Snubbed! This is truly shocking. OUR OBAMA, snubbing someone? Read more on Failed President Sought Companionship Of President…
  i've got a golden ticket

Ron Paul To Put America Back On the Chocolate Bar Standard

Ron Paul not-actual delegate (class of ’08) Garrett Quinn sends us this delightful Ron Paul promotional item, from the eccentric old man’s candy factory, which has been shrouded in secrecy ever since Ron Paul fired all his black workers, for stealing, and replaced them with hobbits. Read more on Ron Paul To Put America Back On the Chocolate Bar Standard…
  lurch vs. robot

John Kerry: Mitt Romney Is No John Kerry

Political pundit people have been enjoying the idea that Mitt Romney has a “John Kerry problem.” After all, both Romney and Kerry are rich white establishment politicians — just like most politicians, on Earth. Political pundits love easy comparisons like that. But John Kerry took a break from whatever he does these days to say he’s met John Kerry, and Mitt Romney is no John Kerry. “I didn’t have trouble connecting,” Kerry said at some elitist New York speaking engagement. “I almost won the presidency.” Mitt Romney couldn’t even win Iowa, jeez! Read more on John Kerry: Mitt Romney Is No John Kerry…
  snowbilly divorce ethics

Sarah Palin Worried About Oil Money Conflict of Interest In Her Divorce

Way back in 2007, when Wonkette was literally the only national media actually covering Sarah Palin and her ridiculous role as John McCain’s vice-presidential candidate was still just a stain in Bill Kristol’s underroos, the Wasilla grifter was already planning her divorce from amiable extremist dolt Todd Palin. Emails finally released on Thursday show Sarah was scheming even then, and wondering if her divorce from Todd — a laborer on the North Slope oil fields — would somehow lead to charges of conflict of interest because of Governor Sarah’s “drill baby drill” policies. None of this makes any sense, because Sarah Palin is a lifelong idiot. But she is consistently phony and amoral, when it comes to “family values,” at least! Read more on Sarah Palin Worried About Oil Money Conflict of Interest In Her Divorce…
  enthusiasm gap

Romney Actually Did Worse In 2012 Nevada Caucus Than He Did In 2008

Here’s some more awkward humor from the robot comedy that is Mitt Romney’s 2012 ascent to the GOP nomination: Mittens actually did worse on Saturday in the Nevada GOP caucus than he did back in 2008. This time around, “Inevitable Willard” got 50.1%, or a little less than his winning total back in the 2008 Nevada caucus. So, knowing that he was on the way to wrapping up the nomination, his loyal Mormon supporters in rural Nevada decided to … back off a bit. Another definitive win for the Multimillionaire of Moroni! Read more on Romney Actually Did Worse In 2012 Nevada Caucus Than He Did In 2008…
  promises kept?

Obama Just Wants to Remind You That He Won Iowa In 2008

The Obama campaign released a web video Tuesday morning as a friendly reminder to America that the President already knows who won the Iowa caucuses — in 2008, when he was Man of That Distant Year. Looking at pieces of media like this, it’s remarkable to think that Obama has the so-huge-it-sounds-fake sum of $99 million in the bank. Where is it all going? So far, it’s funding a 4th-grade-level iMovie cut with a terrible rock soundtrack that sounds like the music at the end of America’s Next Top Model when the winner is jumping up and down, slapping a hand to each cheek and crying, I WONNNNN. Read more on Obama Just Wants to Remind You That He Won Iowa In 2008…
  things have changed

Annnd … Shepard Fairey Remixes His Obama-Hope Poster For #OWS

People of a certain age (22?) may remember a distinct feeling of hope back in 2008, when a certain candidate for president symbolized a hoped-for end to the pent-up anger, disappointment and disillusionment of the Bush Junior years, the reduced-expectations era of Kerry and Gore and (gah!) Lieberman and Edwards, the reliably chaotic economic bubbles and collapses, the terrorism and consumerism, the disastrous foreign wars, the economic injustice, the willful ignorance of the environmental disaster, the brazen crime spree of the elites, the death of the American Soul, etc. The street artist Shepard Fairey’s now-famous HOPE poster made Barack Obama the living icon of that “okay let’s give it one more try” enthusiasm. And, uh, well, Obama couldn’t even be bothered to change the Defense Secretary, let alone anything in the Wall Street-run Treasury and Fed. Read more on Annnd … Shepard Fairey Remixes His Obama-Hope Poster For #OWS…
  get in line with the rest of us

Cornel West Heartbroken Over Obama’s Wall Street Warmongering

Dr. Cornel West campaigned like crazy for Barack Obama. You may recall, back in 2007, Obama had this problem with black people: They didn’t really buy his act. They liked Hillary, the tragic wife of America’s first white black president. And it took a lot of endorsements from respected black scholars and politicians and cultural figures to win black people over to Obama’s side. Cornel West was one of these people. He campaigned all over for Barry. And now he’s heartbroken. Read more on Cornel West Heartbroken Over Obama’s Wall Street Warmongering…
  the empire strikes back

Obama Back Trying To Trick People To Believe He Wants To Change Politics

Since kicking off his re-election bid with history’s least enthusiastic campaign ad, Barack Obama is back on the campaign trail again, simultaneously presenting his dead-in-the-water deficit plan to the country and trying to get people excited to give him another four years in office. The problem, of course, is that it’s hard for him to argue that orgasmic “Change” and “Hope” message again when Obama himself has seemed to give up on these things. “There have been times where I felt the same way you do,” Obama said about the disappointments of his term to a crowd of “young supporters” (though he wasn’t talking about enjoying keg stands) in Chicago. But obviously those “times” weren’t, say, when he was doling out tax cuts to the insanely rich. Read more on Obama Back Trying To Trick People To Believe He Wants To Change Politics…
  she's still got it

Michele Bachmann: Al Franken Stole Election, Passed Obamacare Illegally

The banshee shrieks: “That’s why an election was stolen in Minnesota, and yes, I will tell you, it was stolen. And Al Franken became the 60th senator to give Barack Obama a filibuster-proof majority in the United States Senate and that’s how he got ObamaCare. But for that stolen election, we would not have ObamaCare today.” Read more on Michele Bachmann: Al Franken Stole Election, Passed Obamacare Illegally…
  minty fresh ideas

Mitt Romney Takes Slogan From Loser John Kerry, Logo From Toothpaste

Mitt Romney found himself an empty news cycle this afternoon, so he finally announced his candidacy for president in a video carefully crafted to be more boring than President Obama’s first campaign video. In a way, Romney was taking an idea from his last campaign, which featured an inexplicable ad of him running. Now Mitt is standing above a running track, rather than on a course. See, things are different this time! Romney’s slogan, “Believe in America” was actually last used in August 2004 by loser John Kerry, when he was on a two-week, 21-state tour flailing like a bland loser while the Swiftboaters swiftboated him. Romney has also taken his logo from Aquafresh, of all things, which isn’t even one of the top two toothpastes in America. When Mittens steals something boring, he steals it from fellow losers. Read more on Mitt Romney Takes Slogan From Loser John Kerry, Logo From Toothpaste…
  give giving dennis kucinich attention a chance

Dennis Kucinich To Impeach Obama Or Whatever

Brave sandwich survivor Dennis Kucinich was able to exist as a somewhat serious candidate for president the past two cycles because he gave red meat (certified-organic fair-trade local tofu “Reddmeete” sustainably collected from unwanted scraps left by wild animals) to libtards on their pet projects such as impeaching George W. Bush and making anything but world peace illegal. Libtards really, really liked that impeachment thing, and would never stop talking about it, even though there were legitimate problems and possible solutions to debate. Kucinich’s hot-wife-distracted brain has not forgotten this, so when he heard about President Obama deciding to bomb Libya, he quickly composed his 2012 platform: IMPEACH OBAMA!!!!1!!!1!!1 Read more on Dennis Kucinich To Impeach Obama Or Whatever…
  gunnin' mates

Leaked Book: Sarah Palin Voted For Mike Huckabee In 2008 Primary

According to Frank Bailey’s leaked tell-all book, Sarah Palin’s inner circle didn’t believe she had a chance at getting the vice-presidential nomination in 2008. That didn’t mean they didn’t think she was right for high executive office; in fact, they worked with and fed information to a college student who ran a Palin-for-president website, and one of her advisors wrote in an e-mail that a McCain-Palin ticket would mop the floor with an Obama-Kathleen Sebelius ticket. But Palin didn’t support John McCain. In the 2008 primaries, her heart was with down-home Mike Huckabee and his popcorn-popper squirrel cuisine. According to the book, Palin voted for Huckabee in the Alaska primary and later supported him to be the McCain ticket’s vice presidential nominee. Read more on Leaked Book: Sarah Palin Voted For Mike Huckabee In 2008 Primary…
  original sin

Man Says He Legally Owns Sarah Palin’s Face

So, as he did with other big television events that he hoped would draw customers into his restaurant, Sheridan put a note about it on his restaurant’s web site. For this occasion, he Googled a little bit, found what appeared to be official portraits for the governor and the senator, and downloaded them. Then, Sheridan inserted them onto his web site, along with details about the October 2 debate. […] Read more on Man Says He Legally Owns Sarah Palin’s Face…