Wonkette

Your editor’s sort-of relative teaches at Walter Reed Middle School in North Hollywood! We knew she taught in the Valley but did not know where, exactly — and she is right there, at the heart of the failure of the John McCain Campaign and its weird attempt to put some kind of picture related to Walter Reed Army Hospital behind McCain’s head during his big acceptance speech about his plane crash 40 years ago, even if all most of you saw, on the teevee, was yet another dumb “green screen” behind his bald skull, just waiting for web geeks to fill that vapid void with dancing hobbits, furry porn or Abu Ghraib photographs. Anyway …. MORE »

If only John McCain had learned about the Internet before he chose Sarah Palin — so much “cyber vetting” could’ve happened. Instead, a bunch of hungover libtard bloggers are using their favorite friend (the Internet) to dig up all kinds of half-ass semi-comical crimes committed by that beloved Alaskan anger-bear, Sarah Palin. MORE »

• OFFICIAL TRIG PALIN BABY CONSPIRACY TIMELINE! Well, sure, let’s have Vanity Fair take a go at this thing. It’s a chart! [Vanity Fair]

It is sad to think we will never be here again, at the Xcel Center Hockey Rink, in St. Paul of Minnesota. Ha ha, just kidding. We are so ready to get the living hell out of here! Do you know how long we’ve been covering these two conventions, in two cities 1,100 miles apart? FIVE AND A HALF YEARS. Or 13 days, same thing, really. Let’s liveblog Walnuts McCain giving the speech of, er, the night! MORE »

Do you love to know what the politicians will say about an hour before they say it? Then you’ll love reading tonight’s speeches by nasty sex ferret Rudy Giuliani, Mormon charmer Mitt Romney, and “You Might Be A Redneck” star Mike Huckabee. Go ahead, read them or whatever. MORE »

NOT SAFE FOR WORK, whatever, dumb, vulgar, ha ha, kind of funny, the Palin actress is pretty great with the nose and lipstick, whatever, good night, enjoy the deal, okay, good night forever.

Oh god that horrible imitation of a human laugh. “Well, heh heh heh, at least no Arabian horses died. Heh heh heh heh.” HILARIOUS. Only thousands of poor black people died, after Katrina. And McCain made a super funny joke about how doomed flunkie Michael Brown — the FEMA chief who previously worked for an Arabian horse club — at least hadn’t killed any precious horses owned by billionaires!

John McCain may have just met our lovely (and experienced!) lady of Alaska, but he sure likes what he sees! Heh heh heh. Join us for a few more videos that, all in all, fully present the John WALNUTS! McCain experience to the American people on this wretched eve of destruction. MORE »

John McCain has bravely declared that all Republicans must put on their “American hats” and, at least for this week, pretend to care about Americans or black people or whatever. As a result, the hotels and convention center are buzzing with the most horrible kind of rumor: A whole bunch of RNC cocktail parties and coke fests are being canceled. Jesus, could anything so terrible possibly be true? MORE »

• ST. PAUL SORROW: Cheney ain’t coming. Bush Junior ain’t coming. Monday is pretty much canceled. Wonkette is here, awaiting the RNC press conference. What will happen? McCain is on the radio, jabbering nonsense, from St. Louis. THAT’S THE WRONG ST. CITY, WALNUTS!