Tag Archives: 2004

  lurch vs. robot

John Kerry: Mitt Romney Is No John Kerry

Political pundit people have been enjoying the idea that Mitt Romney has a “John Kerry problem.” After all, both Romney and Kerry are rich white establishment politicians — just like most politicians, on Earth. Political pundits love easy comparisons like that. But John Kerry took a break from whatever he does these days to say he’s met John Kerry, and Mitt Romney is no John Kerry. “I didn’t have trouble connecting,” Kerry said at some elitist New York speaking engagement. “I almost won the presidency.” Mitt Romney couldn’t even win Iowa, jeez! Read more on John Kerry: Mitt Romney Is No John Kerry…
  minty fresh ideas

Mitt Romney Takes Slogan From Loser John Kerry, Logo From Toothpaste

Mitt Romney found himself an empty news cycle this afternoon, so he finally announced his candidacy for president in a video carefully crafted to be more boring than President Obama’s first campaign video. In a way, Romney was taking an idea from his last campaign, which featured an inexplicable ad of him running. Now Mitt is standing above a running track, rather than on a course. See, things are different this time! Romney’s slogan, “Believe in America” was actually last used in August 2004 by loser John Kerry, when he was on a two-week, 21-state tour flailing like a bland loser while the Swiftboaters swiftboated him. Romney has also taken his logo from Aquafresh, of all things, which isn’t even one of the top two toothpastes in America. When Mittens steals something boring, he steals it from fellow losers. Read more on Mitt Romney Takes Slogan From Loser John Kerry, Logo From Toothpaste…
  give giving dennis kucinich attention a chance

Dennis Kucinich To Impeach Obama Or Whatever

Brave sandwich survivor Dennis Kucinich was able to exist as a somewhat serious candidate for president the past two cycles because he gave red meat (certified-organic fair-trade local tofu “Reddmeete” sustainably collected from unwanted scraps left by wild animals) to libtards on their pet projects such as impeaching George W. Bush and making anything but world peace illegal. Libtards really, really liked that impeachment thing, and would never stop talking about it, even though there were legitimate problems and possible solutions to debate. Kucinich’s hot-wife-distracted brain has not forgotten this, so when he heard about President Obama deciding to bomb Libya, he quickly composed his 2012 platform: IMPEACH OBAMA!!!!1!!!1!!1 Read more on Dennis Kucinich To Impeach Obama Or Whatever…
  that's dr. mr. vice president to you

Bush Considered Running With Bill Frist In 2004, But Cheney Said No

Although Bush did not like Cheney’s image as described by critics, accepting his resignation offer would help “demonstrate that I was in charge,” he writes. Bush said he talked to aides about asking Republican Sen. Bill Frist to run with him instead of Cheney, but ultimately stuck with Cheney because he valued his steady hand. Read more on Bush Considered Running With Bill Frist In 2004, But Cheney Said No…
  open up the lockbox of tom delay's hopes and dreams

Will Government Be Forced To Hold a Victory Parade For Tom DeLay?

The SIX-YEAR investigation into Tom DeLay’s ties to lobbyist Jack Abramoff is now over! Hooray Sixth Amendment! The system works! Finally Tom DeLay can get back to his business as House Majority Leader, passing George W. Bush’s Mandate. But seriously, six years? And then, “Oh, whatever bro, we’re not gonna charge you with anything.” The government will probably have to fund Tom DeLay’s campaign to return to the House, and then it will have to fund a lavish parade in Washington welcoming DeLay’s return, for compensation. And also George W. Bush will have to be put back in office, because how else can Tom DeLay pass his fun laws? Read more on Will Government Be Forced To Hold a Victory Parade For Tom DeLay?…
  old men swearing

Joe Biden Had Salty Words For Press In 2004

Just four short years ago, it was the Democrats who were getting called out in the press for constantly changing strategies and bickering publicly about petty nonsense. And four years ago, Joe Biden took a brave stand and asked reporters the very important question, “Who gives a shit?” (Those are the actual words out of his mouth.) Why will he not now take a stand for his great friend John McCain, who is boldly running his campaign straight out of the Kerry ’04 playbook? [YouTube] Read more on Joe Biden Had Salty Words For Press In 2004…
  lurch

John Kerry Party Boat Craziness!

Here’s your beloved 2004 presidential loser John Kerry, enjoying a “B.J.” on the docks of Nantucket, where he encountered a “party boat” full of these gals, especially this one with the “penis straw” (for practice) and then this one with the “crotch shot.” All of this is on TMZ.com, of course, because John Kerry is the new whoever-they-write-about guy! Read more on John Kerry Party Boat Craziness!…
 

Who Is To Blame For Alan Keyes’ Shocking ’04 Senate Loss To Obama?

Cast your mind back to the days before Barack Obama was our President. Do you remember that time in 2004 when he ran for the Senate? And how his first opponent dropped out because the guy wanted to see his alien wife having sex in public? And then Alan Keyes threw his hat in the ring, giving the American public the gift of 86 days of unadulterated crazy? Good times! Read more on Who Is To Blame For Alan Keyes’ Shocking ’04 Senate Loss To Obama?…
 

*IT HURTS BUT I LIKE IT:* “Consumer advocate Ralph Nader said on Monday he will decide soon on whether to make a another bid for the White House in 2008, eight years after playing a key role as a third party presidential candidate.” It would be funny if he died. [Reuters/Yahoo] Read more on …
 

Arlen Specter: Campaign Criminal

So the FEC investigated Arlen Specter and it turns out he broke every single campaign finance rule. When he ran for re-election in 2004, Specter took a million dollars from people who had already maxed out, failed to report hundreds of thousands of dollars from PACs, and missed a reporting deadline before the primary. In his defense though, the rules are complicated and it’s not like the five-term senator has ever run for anything before. Read more on Arlen Specter: Campaign Criminal…
 

Meet the New Miss Teen South Carolina

So we were looking for this picture, again, and decided to google “George Bush Confused” and sure enough there’s like 2 million search results so we will pretty much click any YouTube link for anything and now we have this weird, kind of embarrassing moment from the 2004 campaign, maybe? Assuming he ever leaves the White House, we may one day look back in a sort of nostalgic fury and say, “Oh my fucking god do you remember when the president was an actual retard?” Confused George Bush [YouTube] Read more on Meet the New Miss Teen South Carolina…
 

Eternal Sunshine of the Hopeless Candidate

Wesley Clark’s vague recollections of the 2004 presidential race reveal a sad, shell-shocked man who needs to seek help immediately. He also bemoaned the “beauty contest” Democratic primary of 2004: “We had a lawyer, a doctor, um, a general, we had an African-American man, we had an African-American woman, we had a governor. You know, we had everybody out there, and, it was like a beauty contest. And the amazing thing was that pretty soon, after about five or six debates, everybody started sounding just alike.” Read more on Eternal Sunshine of the Hopeless Candidate…
 

John Howard Even Gave His Child To Bush!

Aussie PM John Howard is so determined to see every Muslim (and many thousands of Americans) killed in Iraq that he endorsed Bush over Kerry in 2004. But his love for Dubya goes beyond mere words. Read more on John Howard Even Gave His Child To Bush!…
 

NY Times Finally Notices That John Kerry Looks Like a Sad Horse

Why is John Kerry so sad? Mark Leibovich — last seen devoting a couple hundred words to the terrible problem that is people talking about Paul Wolfowitz’s socks while there’s a war on — explores Senator Hangdog’s emotional state in the Times today, and comes to the revealing conclusion that it’s kinda depressing to be the biggest loser in a legislative body full of ’em. Read more on NY Times Finally Notices That John Kerry Looks Like a Sad Horse…
 

‘Bush Has Been Vampiring Everybody In America’

Are you caught in a “battering downward spiral of hate” and constantly harassed by Dick Cheney’s extortion robots and endless anal assaults? Are the termites for you or against you? If all of this makes sense, you belong in Nadine’s World — sort of like Elmo’s World, if that beloved children’s muppet had been created by Philip K. Dick. Nadine sends us e-mail, lots of e-mail. In these epistles — which also go to ABC News, the DoJ, Micheal Moore and the Huffington Post — she reveals a chilling underworld of robot sex dolls, a “Cheney Church,” political capital and smoke alarms that watch your every move. Join us after the jump for Chapter 7 of Nadine’s accidental novel. Read more on ‘Bush Has Been Vampiring Everybody In America’…
 

New Study Proves ‘Mentally Ill Voters’ Love Bush

With 31% approval ratings, George W. Bush isn’t loved by any political group, especially the real conservatives. So who are those Bush loyalists who stand up for their boy year after disastrous year? Crazy people, that’s who. Read more on New Study Proves ‘Mentally Ill Voters’ Love Bush…
 

You Too Can Win the Tom Daschle Award For Most Depressing Career

Desperate, broke grad students, have we got a deal for you: with a few minor adjustments, you can turn your dissertation into a rich, engrossing history of the political career of million-term congressman Dick Gephardt and receive the prestigious Richard A. Gephardt Fellowship. From his first failed run for the Democratic presidential nomination (beaten by Michael Dukakis!) to his last failed run for the Democratic presidential nomination (beaten by John Kerry and Howard Dean!), his storied career is full of achievements not quite made and goals not quite reached. Read more on You Too Can Win the Tom Daschle Award For Most Depressing Career…
 

Gossip Roundup: Corruption? In New Jersey?

Heard on the Hill: Rep. Robert Andrews (D-NJ) was heard discussing a money scandal involving Sen. Bob Menendez on a train to Jersey Thursday, before the story broke publicly. Quote: “”We are still reeling from Torricelli — third strike and you’re out.” It is suspected that Andews wishes to replace Menedez on the ballot for US Senate… “Missouri Sens. Jim Talent (R) and Kit Bond (R) introduced a bill on Thursday, S. 3867, to designate the new federal courthouse in Cape Girardeau, Mo., the ‘Rush L. Limbaugh Sr. Federal Courthouse,'” after the portly drug-addict’s lawyer grandfather. [Roll Call] Read more on Gossip Roundup: Corruption? In New Jersey?…
 

‘I … Am … Enjoying … My … iPod’

Check out the iTunes store’s front page and you’ll see something sure to bring a thrill to music lovers everywhere. That’s right, Al Gore and Melissa Etheridge have finally teamed up to make an iTunes playlist! Take that, bunch of dead Beatles! Enjoy the ex-veep’s mini-reviews — painstakingly re-typed because we can’t figure out how to cut-and-paste from the damned iTunes — after the jump. And just try to read them without hearing Gore’s voice droning deep within your skull. Read more on ‘I … Am … Enjoying … My … iPod’…
 

Heroic Cheney Shill Will Write Heroic Cheney Biography

Cheney-enabling fearmonger Stephen Hayes will take some time off from writing White House propaganda for the Weekly Standard to write Dick Cheney’s “biography,” according to U.S. News & World Report. Cheney’s bio will presumably be as full of VP propaganda and disinformation as another Hayes’ book, “The Connection: How al Qaeda’s Collaboration with Saddam Hussein Has Endangered America.” The relationship works like this: Cheney releases “intelligence” to a friendly coconspirator, said coconspirator types it up for the Standard or WSJ or (in Judith’s case) the New York Times, and Cheney then quotes the article in question as justification for whatever batshit evil scheme he’s currently cooking up. Read more on Heroic Cheney Shill Will Write Heroic Cheney Biography…
 

Kerry Finds ’04 Debate Script, Sends To Newspaper

John Kerry got his letter published (costly registration required) in today’s Wall Street Journal! Our parents used to be totally proud of us when the local paper would print our letters. (“There are too many loose dogs around the playground.”) Anyway, Kerry used a bunch of his inspirational lines from the ’04 debates — “The 9/11 Commission’s recommendations to secure our most vulnerable infrastructure remain virtually ignored,” for example — in the letter, which seems to actually be about Ned Lamont. Kerry’s letter, after the jump …. Read more on Kerry Finds ’04 Debate Script, Sends To Newspaper…
 

Daily Briefing: ‘We Are Better’

FEC decides to permit 527s to continue as is, meaning “even larger sums to be spent influencing races this year and in 2008.” [WP, NYT] Bush essentially had no choice but to join talks on Iran. [NYT, WP, W$J] Bush says he’s “troubled” by news of civilian killings in Haditha, Iraq: “If, in fact, the laws were broken, there will be punishment.” [NYT] Homeland Security Department cuts funding for Washington and New York while boosting support for mid-size cities. [WP, NYT] Sen. Hillary Clinton launches Senate campaign with broad swipes at the administration: “I believe that we need a fundamentally new direction. . . We are better than what is happening in America today.” [NYT] Read more on Daily Briefing: ‘We Are Better’…