Tag Archives: 1st amendment

  dicks in the news

Todd Kincannon Fights For His Right To Be A Dick Without Little Hindrances Like “Professional Standards Of Conduct”

It has been some time since we checked in on the antics of sexxxy dick pic sexxxter Todd Kincannon, longtime Wonkette favorite for his habit of outrageous attention whoring. Recently Todd went totally silent on the Twitter machine, his preferred method of communication with the outside world despite the fact that even tweeting usually can only be accomplished by a life form with at least slightly higher brain function and opposable thumbs. Did Todd get banned from tweeting (again)? Did he suffer some personal calamity? (We hope not, we’re not ogres.) Did he finally grow up? (Unlikely!) Or did he shut up because he’s being investigated for misconduct by South Carolina legal authorities and perhaps his status with the state bar and his livelihood are at stake? Let’s dickpicsplore! Read more on Todd Kincannon Fights For His Right To Be A Dick Without Little Hindrances Like “Professional Standards Of Conduct”…
  try carrying squeegees instead

Texas Gun Humpers Now Upset They Can’t Approach Any Old Motorist While Heavily Armed

It has happened to everyone: you’re behind the wheel of your car, idling at a stoplight while absently singing along to your favorite One Direction CD, when you spot a bedraggled, crazy-eyed homeless man making his way from vehicle to vehicle, holding out an old Big Gulp cup into which a few of your fellow motorists have already tossed a few measly pennies. Holy shit, you think to yourself, I just want to enjoy “Story of My Life” without being guilted into forking over whatever change is in my change tray. I’ll just roll up the window and stare straight ahead and ignore the guy until the light turns green. Now imagine that bedraggled, crazy-eyed man has an AR-15 strapped across his back, and instead of a change cup, he’s pushing copies of the Constitution at you while muttering about his rights. Phew, that’s a relief. Don’t you feel better? No? What’s your problem, commie? Luckily for the bedraggled, crazy-eyed gun toters of Texas, Open Carry Tarrant County is on it. Read more on Texas Gun Humpers Now Upset They Can’t Approach Any Old Motorist While Heavily Armed…
  nice time!

Hero Judge Tells Bigoted Louisiana Teacher To STFU And GTFO

Remember that mean teacher in Louisiana who told one of her kids he was “stupid” for being a Buddhist? And remember how his parents sued and the ACLU was all, “Hey, mean lady, you can’t go around saying stuff like that in the public schools,” and her parish school superintendent was all, “Yeah, huh, she can, because Bible Belt”? Well, prepare to be super happy for Happy Hour today, because a federal judge has come back with a SUPER burn decision that reads, and we quote, “Nuh uh, you CAN’T, and furthermore Neener, neener and neener.” Read more on Hero Judge Tells Bigoted Louisiana Teacher To STFU And GTFO…
  faster theocrat

Tom Delay Reminds America That God Wrote The Constitution And George Washington Rose From The Dead

Looks like now that ol’ Tom DeLay’s legal troubles are in the past, he’s busy polishing up his credentials for the next phase of his life on the Wingnut Welfare circuit. In addition to his glee at getting his gun rights restored, here’s another nice bullet point on his résumé: he had a nice little chat with Reverend Matthew Hagee about the True History of the United Jesus States of Godmerica, in which he explained that many of our country’s problems come from the moment when “we allowed our government to become a secular government.” We aren’t quite sure whether he means March 4, 1789, or maybe December 15, 1791. Probably the latter, because even though the Constitution became law in 1789, the First Amendment wasn’t ratified by the states until 1791. You could still make a pretty good case for the earlier date, though, since Article Six already had that line about “no religious test” ever being required for public office. So thanks for the history lesson, Mr. DeLay! Oh, but maybe that’s not what you meant? Well what did you mean? DeLay said that Americans have forgotten “that God created this nation [and] that He wrote the Constitution, that it’s based on biblical principles.” Oh, we see! You meant that you are actually a complete charlatan who is angling for a sinecure somewhere nice, like maybe the Family Research Council or the American Patriarchy Association or Wall Builders. Got it! What color is the sky on your planet? Read more on Tom Delay Reminds America That God Wrote The Constitution And George Washington Rose From The Dead…
  the courage to conform

Hero Teen Adds Lord’s Prayer To His Graduation Speech, Saves America

Well, thank heavens, we finally have some balance in this crazy old world! After all these stories about transgender prom queens and adorable sodomite “cutest couples,” our long national nightmare of progressive nice-time is finally over. In protest of a recently adopted prohibition on organized prayer at school events, the valedictorian of Liberty High School in Liberty, South Carolina last week bravely tore up his principal-vetted speech, thanked his parents for leading him to the Lord, and led the cheering crowd in the Lord’s Prayer. It was an act of brave defiance right out of The Hunger Games, and we bet that young Roy B. Costner feels pretty impressed with himself for bravely risking absolutely nothing and being applauded by wingnuts from The Washington Times (“crowd stunned”) to Fox & Friends (“brave move!”) Family Research Council’s Tony Perkins, who plaintively asked, My question is: when will the adults show the same courage as these young people, who are saying no to repression by this radical minority? The response of the audiences in every one of these incidents is very telling. They all stand and applaud like a repressed people yearning to breath free. [sic] It’s time for all of us to breath free! [sic] Following the young man’s principled opposition to 50 years of settled law concerning the establishment clause of the U.S. Constitution, atheists everywhere were heard to hiss “I’m melting!” as they gave up on their plans to secularize the nation and institute Sharia law. Or they may have just rolled their eyes; reports are mixed. Read more on Hero Teen Adds Lord’s Prayer To His Graduation Speech, Saves America…
  'elp! 'elp! I'm bein' oppressed!

Joseph Farah Determines ‘We’ Had More Freedom in 1776 Than Today (For Certain Values Of ‘We’)

Joseph Farah, the editor of Serious News Outlet WorldNet Daily, has a Serious Question he wishes you to consider: “Are we better off now than we were in 1776?” And while the real answer involves glancing at the illustration above, remembering that women couldn’t vote until 1919, rolling our eyes, and saying “Duh, Joe,” we are pretty sure that we would not get paid for this blog post if we didn’t engage Farah’s dumb column in further detail. So sure, for the sake of argument, let’s grant that Farah might grudgingly extend to the ladies and the dusky-hued savages the same level of freedom that white men had in 1776, and further assume that he doesn’t literally want us to return to 18th-century levels of medicine and technology, either — which are pretty big concessions, considering that Farah doesn’t mention any of these trivial details of the material realities of life in colonial America, which he insists “wasn’t all that bad.” Let’s even assume that we could somehow shoehorn most of the good stuff about today’s material reality into the political and economic norms of 1776 — or really, 1791, since Farah immediately shifts the goalposts to a discussion of “constitutionally protected rights we secured through the War of Independence,” as if the Bill of Rights had magically appeared when Jesus handed the Constitution to George Washington. Which is to say, Farah is engaging in historical & cultural fantasy from the get-go, but sure, we’ll play along. Read more on Joseph Farah Determines ‘We’ Had More Freedom in 1776 Than Today (For Certain Values Of ‘We’)…
  We Can Beat Them Forever And Ever

Here’s A Surprise: School Vouchers Help Spread Creationism

Just in case anyone was worried that American schools were sinking into a morass of Creationism and Stupid (ah, but we repeat ourselves), the bad news is, well, they kind of are. But the good news is that there are some pretty awesome young people who refuse to sit back and let it happen, like hero Rhode Island teen Jessica Ahlquist, who successfully sued her Rhode Island high school to get a an official “school prayer” banner removed from the gym last year. Or how about today’s hero, 19 year old Zack Kopplin, a Louisiana student who has been fighting since 2008 to repeal the “Louisiana Science Education Act,” which did for science education what Dubya’s “Clear Skies Initiative” did for clear skies. The law allowed teachers to “bring in their own supplemental materials when discussing politically controversial topics like evolution or climate change.” Many teachers believed the law gave them free rein to throw out actual science textbooks and replace them with overtly creationist materials, but Kopplin, then just 17, helped rally opposition, and while the dumb law remained in place, Lousisana at least adopted science textbooks that taught actual science. Now, Kopplin is a student at Rice University and is raising hell against school voucher laws, which funnel public money to private schools that teach religious doctrine, including, of course creationism. Read more on Here’s A Surprise: School Vouchers Help Spread Creationism…
  Sympathy for the Devil

Hero Teen Opposes Government School’s New ID Card Because It Is The Mark Of The Beast

Would you like a story about schools that isn’t horribly depressing, but only mildly eye-rolling? As it happens, we have one for you! A number of Texas school districts (yes, Texas again!) have figured out that since federal school funding is largely based on the numbers of butts in seats on a given school day, the better they can account for the attendance of every single student, the more funding they can get — and in a state that’s cutting education spending like crazy, that matters. To improve attendance stats, a number of districts are requiring students to wear ID badges with an RFID chip that automatically register whether students are in class or not, which is more accurate and more remunerative than the “taking attendance” method, apparently. Now, there are probably good reasons to be concerned about the privacy implications of all this, as well as how screwed up it is that the whole thing is driven by state cuts to education funding, but happily, we can sidestep all that for this story. That’s because the Hernandez family of San Antonio opposes the RFID badges at their daughter’s high school because they think it’s part of the Antichrist’s plan to make everyone have The Mark Of The Beast, so opposing the ID scheme is not about privacy or security, it’s now about religious oppression. Read more on Hero Teen Opposes Government School’s New ID Card Because It Is The Mark Of The Beast…