Indiana is too close to call, and will be too close to call forever, so hoist another drink and let's figure out what Hillary Clinton will talk about in her loser/possible winner speech, whenever she gets around to giving it.
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Here is your Relief Editor, clocking in one million hours after the polls have closed, and all we know is that Barack Obama won North Carolina and Indiana is filthy with Hoosiers. That pretty much brings us up to speed, right? Let's LIVEBLOG the speech Barack Obama is about to give, explaining why he does not have "a tone of condensation" (that is what Tom Brokaw called it) when he talks to the Little People.
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After all, wasn't the inventor of basketball, Al Gore, from Indiana anyway? These are two of the many questions surrounding tonight's Indiana primary, which will be followed by a North Carolina primary like 30 minutes later. Results, that is. Is Chris Matthews punching Keith Olbermann yet, which is what he does to get off? Let's liveblog more (part one here) and hope that Hillary doesn't finally kill our souls forever.
Well friends this is what it comes down to: Begala and Bennett and some other people jabbering about Momentum and numbers vs. narrative. How long before Donna Brazile storms off the set in disgust along with all the other former Clinton staffers? Join us in this long night of misery.
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So, anything happening in the media news today? Wait, WHAT? Yes it's true: Wonkette is bravely leaving the Gawker Media nest, along with Gawker's music and travel sites. Why on Earth is a beloved publication such as Wonkette taking this plunge — during the biggest, nuttiest presidential election in 48 years — and are we being pushed? Six million page views in March, a million monthly unique visitors who are "somewhat male, more affluent [and] more educated" and who "read Gawker and subscribe to Vanity Fair" .... Why does Corporate America hate the "somewhat male" demographic? The answers may shock you!
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This is the thong that Ken Layne wears "to the office" everyday. It features the headcut of Barack Obama and you wear it as underwear beneath your blue jeans. [CafePress]
This is homosexual ex-county commissioner Bruce Barclay, who had sex with hundreds of male prostitutes and has footage of it all. Many of these prostitutes came from "harrisburgfratboys.com", and this is one of them and his name is Karl Rove. But there are more, thanks to Barclay's website!
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This president is Warren G. Harding, a very corrupt Republican from Ohio who stole money from corporate lobbyists and basically ruined the world. Can anyone stop “Mexico John” McCain? Maybe, but Hillary Clinton would prefer to kill Barack and then get tortured by John McCain. Here are parts one and two of the liveblog. Onward!
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The old man in the accompanying photo is Rutherford B. Hayes, an ex-governor of Ohio — where tonight’s Democratic debate takes place — and eventual president of the United States. Hayes was elected in 1876, perhaps the closest, most controversial election in American history. Although Hayes was a Republican, they were good then (party of Abraham Lincoln). The election was so close between Hayes and Samuel Tilden that an election commission of evil politicos negotiated a “deal,” where Hayes would get the presidency, but the Southern ex-slaveowners would be able to take power back in the South. Hayes got the presidency, but the country was broken. Point is: this is the only way Hillary Clinton can win the 2008 Democratic nomination — get it close, fudge some rules, break the country. Let’s see if she can do it!
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Ruh roh, the Republicans might have a fight after all, now that Rush Limbaugh has yelled at John McCain so much. Anyway, let’s liveblog… MSNBC! And maybe other channels too. But really, does it get any better than MSNBC?
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Americans know that you get what you pay for, whether you’re talking about nice clothes, decent cars — or presidential candidates! That’s why we give so damn much money to them: millions upon millions of dollars, most them handed over to losers who will never get within a mile of the Oval Office. We know that this wasted cash is the price of good governance. But one state isn’t holding up its end of the deal. While the good citizens of New York and Connecticut are paying upwards of $2 a head to fund the 2008 election insanity, the inhabitants of North Dakota (aka “Baja Manitoba”) have only ponied up 9 cents apiece to our various beloved candidates! What lies behind this miserly attitude? The New York Times investigates, and we summarize, after the jump.
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Hey look, it’s one of those days with a guest editor, because the real editor is doing something else! Wonkette’s comic book and foreign affairs correspondent Josh Fruhlinger will be filling in for Ken Layne today. Anything could happen!
Here’s an idea as innovative as the Nevada Caucus “First In The West” itself: Invite the press, lock them in a terrible underground ballroom in a casino somewhere, and make sure there’s no sort of Internet or wireless or anything. Hooray! Anyway, that’s where your editor has been, and here’s the chilling semi-live-blogged account of this weird, weird process.
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Horrible smog. Chewed-up desert. Wind storms. Endless vistas of foreclosed stucco boxes. For Sale signs and Payday Loan joints. Crushing unemployment. No water. Rampant crime, prostitution, drug addiction, gambling addiction — all squirming around the edges of a never-finished vulgar theme park that should be blown up and reassembled in Dubai, where it belongs.
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During my sad tour of the endless half-abandoned Vegas “single family home developments,” I saw exactly ZERO political signs until this half-hearted falling-over Mitt Romney “lawn” sign. (It’s kind of stuck in some half-dead ground-cover plant surrounded by gravel. Las Vegas is about 42% stucco and 56% gravel. The rest of the city consists of cigarette butts and dried-up condoms.)
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That was sure worth getting up before dawn and making a five-hour drive to Las Vegas! Thanks, Democrats. Our coverage for the night is just about over, but we’ll have much more Campaign Trail Fun all over Las Vegas on Wednesday, which is basically today. There will be events, and perhaps a rally of some kind! All in the cause of giving Americans a “safety valve” so they can “blow off steam” by voting for pretty much identical elitist candidates. Anyway, here’s a recap of Wonkette’s Tuesday in Nevada, plus more pictures, if you want them.
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Here is the scene: There are many, many, many filing tables. About a third of the chairs are occupied. There are flat screen monitors on stands, and they’re all playing this SAME GODDAMNED 5-MINUTE LOOP ABOUT HOW NEVADA IS SO AWESOME IF YOU ARE A MEXICAN WHO MOVED HERE. Or a Cuban. Harry Reid does the intro. I have seen this at least a dozen times and have no doubt I’ll see it another dozen times before the debate finally begins.
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DEPARTMENT OF GRANDIOSE PLANS: We’ve got all kinds of exciting plans for your 2008 entertainment! Ken Layne is covering the Republican and Democratic conventions somewhere in Colorado or Minnesota or something, and the Nevada Caucus, and other stuff! Jim Newell and Elizabeth Glover are going to New Hampshire to kidnap John McCain for the Log Cabin Republicans! Plus, other assignments! This will be the best 2008, ever. BUT WE AREN’T GOING TO IOWA, even though we’ll have full team live-blogging coverage all night, until Ron Paul’s victory speech (for both nominations). So if you’re in Iowa please send us lots of crap, and keep the comments busy, and a special lucky person who sends us lots of tips will get a FREE gift, probably a Wonkette t-shirt. (Do we still have those, Megan & Jim?)
Hi everybody, it’s your old friend Ken Layne. So I went on vacation a couple months ago, and then I saw three triangular UFOs over Shirley MacClaine’s house, and the next thing I remember was the picket line outside the Wonkette office building, which is actually an abandoned Chinese buffet restaurant next to a Payday Loan place in Prince George’s County.
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Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today’s Cartoons.
Although editing Wonkette for the last 20 months has permanently destroyed any remaining faith I might’ve had in the democratic process, and America as whole, it has also been a helluva lotta fun. And I’ll miss it! I’ve grown to hate each and every elected official in this great nation, but there’s still something slightly pleasurable in viciously attacking them. And now, as I compose my final post for Wonkette until I quit Gawker in two years and end up the editor of Jezebel for some reason until I’m fired and shipped back here because I’m otherwise unemployable and no one else on Earth is willing for work for Nick Denton anymore, I feel a little sadder than I thought I would. Also drunker. I’ve been hitting the bottle since noon!
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Never met Pareene. Never spoken to him, in person or on the phone. We only ever sent short messages via gchat, exclusively, because nobody else uses gchat so you don’t get bothered. Never had any substantive conversation regarding Wonkette or anything work-related beyond constant complaining about the company and its terrible broken technology. We only ever had one single goal: to move Wonkette to blogspot. Oh, and to quit. [Moving to Gawker’s not really quitting Gawker]
Hello, comrades! Have you enjoyed Wonkette these past 18 months or so? Well, good, because now we’re going to change it all around, as far as who writes and edits the thing. Editor and “national treasure” Alex Pareene is moving to New York City for a secret new assignment he’ll explain in another post, and I’m hanging around for a while as a daily contributor and will continue to sort of vaguely maintain the invisible “West Coast Bureau” — yes, you can go ahead and offer me lucrative free-lance stuff now, and this time I might actually do it.
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Look, Wonkette readers: you’re going to hear a lot about this so-called “Iowa straw poll” in the next few days. We would just like to point out something very important about it: it’s a huge big lie, a pack of lies, lies upon lies! No, really: a lie.
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