“Tight Hole Operations”: Jeff Gannon’s Response

Last week, we gave you the inside scoop on Dick Cheney's “tight hole operations.” And yesterday, we shared with you the ten questions about “tight hole operations” that we submitted to Jeff Gannon. We know that the suspense over what he wrote in response is killing you — so here it is:

Your questions are funnier than any answer I could give. I do appreciate the opportunity, however. Please keep in touch, Jeff Gannon.

Yes, we're as disappointed as you are by Gannon's gracious, good-humored, but non-humorous response. What are we going to do now?

We'll do what we do best here at Wonkette: make stuff up!

After the jump, our manufactured responses to the “tight hole operations” questions we posed to Jeff Gannon.

Okay, here are our made-up responses to the 10 questions about “tight hole operations” that we posed to Jeff Gannon. Remember — these are not actual answers from Gannon, but just our speculation as to what he might have written in response.

1. Is it true that you have engaged in “tight hole operations” — with men?

Yes.

2. Do you believe the rumors of Vice President Dick Cheney's involvement in “tight hole operations”?

No. Would you sleep with that man?

3. What do you think of the rumor that Dick Cheney may have engaged in “tight hole operations” with Pamela Willeford?

I agree with you guys: “We just can’t wrap our minds around the idea of any heterosexual woman fucking Dick Cheney. Hence, Lynne.”

4. Would you personally like to engage in “tight hole operations” with the Vice President?

No — see question #2, above. But if he threatened to take me hunting with him, well, maybe…

5. If you could engage in “tight hole operations” with any member of the Administration, whom would you select, and why?

Condoleezza Rice — with a strap-on!

6. If you could engage in “tight hole operations” with any member of Congress, whom would you select, and why?

Denny Hastert, definitely. (I have a thing for ex-wrestlers!)

7. If you could engage in “tight hole operations” with any member of the Washington press corps, whom would you select, and why?

Dana Milbank. After seeing him in that stupid hunting outfit, I thought to myself, he could use a good pounding…

8. Do you agree with the Supreme Court's decision in Lawrence v. Texas, in which it struck down Texas's criminal prohibition on “tight hole operations”?

If you can't go drilling to your heart's content in Texas, where can you do it?

9. Do you think that the federal government should authorize “tight hole operations” in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge?

Allowing tight hole operations in exchange for money… hmm, what's not to like?

10. Do you believe that President Clinton engaged in “tight hole operations” with “that woman, Miss Lewinsky”?

Without a doubt! Where else could he get any from? See question #9 above — exploring the frozen tundra known as Hillary is still prohibited by federal law…

(N.B. As previously noted, the responses above do not represent actual answers from Jeff Gannon, but were composed for entertainment purposes only. Don't try this at home, objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are, etc.)

Jeff Gannon — A Voice of the New Media

Earlier: “Tight Hole Operations”: 10 Questions for Jeff Gannon
Dick Cheney Engaged in “Tight Hole Operations”?
More Than You Ever Cared To Know About “Tight Hole Operations”

READ MORE: ass fucking, condoleezza rice, dana milbank, dennis hastert, dick cheney, jeff gannon, pamela willeford, sex, sex scandal, tight hole operations

“Tight Hole Operations”: 10 Questions for Jeff Gannon

Shortly after we issued our initial report on Vice President Dick Cheney's “tight hole operations,” an irate Wonkette reader emailed us: “You did a story on 'tight hole operations,' and you didn't ask Jeff Gannon for comment! What's up with that? You guys are no Ana Marie Cox.”

Eager to remedy this journalistic lapse, we emailed Mr. Gannon with ten questions about “tight hole operations” — which you can read for yourself, after the jump.

Here's what we wrote:

Dear Mr. Gannon:

Greetings from Wonkette. Not too long ago, we did a story on alleged “tight hole operations” by Vice President Dick Cheney.

Because you are a recognized authority on “tight hole operations,” we would like to submit to you the following 10 questions on the subject. Please feel free to answer any or all of them:

1. Is it true that you have engaged in “tight hole operations” — with men?

2. Do you believe the rumors of Vice President Dick Cheney's involvement in “tight hole operations”?

3. What do you think of the rumor that Dick Cheney may have engaged in “tight hole operations” with Pamela Willeford?

4. Would you personally like to engage in “tight hole operations” with the Vice President?

5. If you could engage in “tight hole operations” with any member of the Administration, whom would you select, and why?

6. If you could engage in “tight hole operations” with any member of Congress, whom would you select, and why?

7. If you could engage in “tight hole operations” with any member of the Washington press corps, whom would you select, and why?

8. Do you agree with the Supreme Court's decision in Lawrence v. Texas, in which it struck down Texas's criminal prohibition on “tight hole operations”?

9. Do you think that the federal government should authorize “tight hole operations” in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge?

10. Do you believe that President Clinton engaged in “tight hole operations” with “that woman, Miss Lewinsky”?

Thank you very much for your time and kind consideration of these queries. We look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Wonkette
__________

Dying to learn what Gannon wrote in response? Check back soon.

Jeff Gannon — A Voice of the New Media

Earlier: Dick Cheney Engaged in “Tight Hole Operations”?
More Than You Ever Cared To Know About “Tight Hole Operations”

READ MORE: ass fucking, dick cheney, jeff gannon, pamela willeford, tight hole operations

Wonkette’s Week in Review

• In case you're just returning from a long vacation at a secluded Caribbean hideaway, where you had no access to television, radio, newspapers, or the internet, here's what you missed: Vice President Dick Cheney shot a man last weekend, then took his sweet time in telling the American people about it. (Wonkette's full coverage is available here.)

• To make matters worse, Dick Cheney may have engaged in “tight hole operations.” (Do you really wanna know what “tight hole operations” are? Click here.)

• Maryland comptroller (and former state governor) William Donald Schaefer is one dirty old man. He might enjoy visiting the offices of Sen. Jeff Sessions.

• Down in the Sunshine State, Donna Shalala is livin' large, while Ann Coulter is making Palm Beach poll workers eat her dust.

• Meanwhile, back in Washington, Michael Chertoff spent much of last Wednesday sitting in the hot seat before the Senate. It wasn't as much fun as Brownie's testimony; but we now know that neither Chertoff nor Donald Rumsfeld uses email.

• Despite continued high jinks on the Hill, America's lawmakers are getting bored. And if something exciting doesn't happen soon, they won't be the only ones. Please, Mr. Vice President — shoot somebody else this weekend!

READ MORE: ann coulter, capitol hill, dick cheney, donald rumsfeld, donna shalala, email, fema, hunting accidents, jeff sessions, michael brown, michael chertoff, senate hearings, technology, tight hole operations, week in review, william donald schaefer

More Than You Ever Cared To Know About “Tight Hole Operations”

This morning, after posting a picture of a rather dubious sign outside the Armstrong ranch, we posed the following question to you, our loyal readers:

What exactly are “tight hole” operations — and what’s the number to dial for that “sales call by appt.”?

One of you did a little research for us and wrote back:

If you Google “tight hole operations” only one website is returned… Yeah go and take a look at it and pay close attention to the domain name. Kismet baby, pure and unadulterated.

After the omniscient Google proved unhelpful, we despaired of ever learning the true meaning of “tight hole operations.” But shortly thereafter, we received this helpful message:

You city boyz! That sign is referring to an oil well, not the ranch itself. “Tight hole operations” refers to the practice of keeping secret any information about what you've drilled.

Now this explains everything. When Dick Cheney drilled poor Whittington full of gunshot, then kept it a secret, he was merely following the Armstrong policy of maintaining “tight hole operations.”

READ MORE: Funny Pictures, dick cheney, funny screen caps, harry whittington, hunting accidents, reader tips, self-writing jokes, tight hole operations

Dick Cheney Engaged in “Tight Hole Operations”?

Take a look at this screen cap showing a sign outside the Armstrong ranch, where the Dick Cheney hunting accident took place:

Okay, Wonkette readers, here are your study questions:

• Why is the ranch referred to by the ominous moniker of “Richman Geochem” (which sounds like some evil oil company, because it probably is)?

• Why was the Cheney party out drinking and hunting on this property when, according to the sign, alcohol and firearms are prohibited?

But enough trivialities. Katharine Armstrong owns the ranch, and she can let people do whatever they want on it, no matter what some stupid rusty sign says. Here's what we really want to know:

• What exactly are “tight hole” operations — and what's the number to dial for that “sales call by appt.”?

Update: More information about “tight hole” operations is available here.

Man Shot in Accident After Laughing at Cheney [cbs4denver]

Earlier: Cheney Ephemera: If Only This Week Could Last Forever

READ MORE: Funny Pictures, dick cheney, funny screen caps, hunting accidents, self-writing jokes, tight hole operations