Wonkette
Although editing Wonkette for the last 20 months has permanently destroyed any remaining faith I might’ve had in the democratic process, and America as whole, it has also been a helluva lotta fun. And I’ll miss it! I’ve grown to hate each and every elected official in this great nation, but there’s still something slightly pleasurable in viciously attacking them. And now, as I compose my final post for Wonkette until I quit Gawker in two years and end up the editor of Jezebel for some reason until I’m fired and shipped back here because I’m otherwise unemployable and no one else on Earth is willing for work for Nick Denton anymore, I feel a little sadder than I thought I would. Also drunker. I’ve been hitting the bottle since noon!
First off, thanks to George “Macaca” Allen and John “Walnus” McCain for allowing me to help, in some small way, destroy their dreams of political advancement.
And: Thanks to Ana Marie Cox for not hating me, and for sending me awesome jokes I happily ripped off during my first few months, and for eventually telling me, after I’d been at it for a year or so, that the site was finally funny again. (No no, she was right — I sucked for a long time!) And thanks to David Lat for letting me crash on his couch for a couple weeks back in February of ‘06 when I was homeless and broke — oh, and also for being a fantastic co-editor, who was much better at convincing people to read these “new Wonkettes” than I ever was.
Our interns have all been great, our columnists and contributors fantastic, we have the best regular guest-editors on the internet, and our commenters eventually started being funny — now they’re sometimes much funnier than the posts they’re commenting on. Liz Gorman is an angel, I could not have made it through any of the various interminable and horrific events I covered without her there to go out and smoke and bitch with me. Soon as you’re of age, I will buy you so many drinks, Liz. (Oh, and Glover? She’s nuts! But awesome!)
And obviously thanks to Ken Layne for being basically a genius. He forced me to be better at this whole Wonkette thing just by consistently posting, every day, the funniest things I’ve ever read on a blog, besides the other things he’s written on other blogs, most of the rest of which have now been shuttered and burned down and fed to wolves.
Guys: I am not supposed to tell you this but it is Ken’s birthday today. Not even lying.
I leave the site in capable hands — John and Jim are both probably much smarter than me, with better grasps of grammar and spelling and “reporting.”
And also, srsly, I’m not actually quitting. Like not at all. I’ll still be posting the same bullshit on the same internet, often about the exact same topics (Rudy ‘08!). So this whole “goodbye” thing is totally self-indulgent and pointless! See you on Monday, losers! Really wishing I’d taken some time off between jobs now!
Comments
sniff, sniff.
How could you not mention Mark Foley, David Vitter, Larry Craig? Oh, how you were blessed with material, young pup.
Did you find a place to live yet in NYC on that big salary Denton pays you?
Intern insurgency, ready to go.
It's been fun watching you go from fresh and naive to jaded and bitter -- and remember, keep shooting for that resigned, icy detachment that is the end of that particular rainbow.
And enjoy life in a town full of far, far prettier people than the denizens of DC. And remember: Hard is not hopeless.
Ah, Pareene. I was so skeptical when you announced the no-panda policy, but you've proven worthy. Best of luck. Not that, you know, you'll be doing anything different.
Note to new editors: if the alt-text goes, fuck you.
Does Lat know to keep that sofa in the big apple available for whatever? You have grown, and Wonkette has grown along with you! Just let us know when you decide that you want to become America's Mayor!
If you think you're bitter now, wait 'til New York works its charms upon you.
Just don't get fired by making your first Gawker post "OMG EVIL PUBLISHER DUMPS FUNNY WEST COAST CORRESPONDENT ON HIS BIRTHDAY."
Well, okay, but if you do, maybe Ken could take a cue from John Edwards and come up with a cancer in the family just to really give the story a little extra push? October 12, 2007! Never forget!
This space was dependably funny during your tenure, and your posts made our country's low points bearable; neither is an easy feat. Frankly, American satire is not as insightful and comforting anywhere else (well, maybe the Onion).
Wherever you wind up, keep making coffee shoot out of reader's noses; vaya con Dios.
You know, Walnus may be a better nickname for McCain after all, and I'm not even making fun of your drunken typo BUT DON'T YOU DARE CHANGE IT. And don't you ever change, kid. It won't be the same, especially without you planting all of those pageboys in Congress, black men in truck stop bathrooms and pieces of paper in airport stalls, but...fuck, forgot what I was going to say. Rudy '08!
Good job, Alex.
I've had a question about DC for awhile now, and since you're leaving, it's probably safer for you to answer it. A couple of years back, my wife and I were having dinner at an outdoor cafe on Dupont circle. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a shirtless man in what appeared to be a black leather halter top leering at us. He looked familiar, but I couldn't place him. Then it hit me- G. Gordon Liddy. Is this possible?
I'll miss the Pareene-Layne Wonkette terribly. Fortunately, I'll only miss it for 18 hours, because working for this bloody company of ours has ruined my attention span and my short term memory access. Great news! Hey where am I? Is this the site about the ass-fucking?
i'm sure the move from Senate page to John Fitzgerald Page will be smooth. see ya there.
Thank you for your noble service. And thanks especially for all the Bob Allen jokes - he's the gift that keeps on giving.
Pareene:
Via Con Dios, Amigo. You did your damnest, and that's the best one can say about anybody.
Just remember, as you Move Forward In Life . . .
It will ALWAYS get WORSE.
(It has to, under the Second Law of Thermodynamics.)
Regards,
Neilist, Who Hates Los Angeles Worse Than Lepers, And Kills Them In Their Cars.
(Okay, I stole that from Neil Young.)
who's this "Alex Pareene" guy again? A guest editor or something? Wonkette is that red-headed girl that used to be on Imus and writes dirty books, right?
Well, you were still in your "I love you guys (hic)" drunk, which means your constitution is still strong. Watch out. The surly comes quicker and quicker.
I only arrived after many others rode you hard and put you away funny, but I'm grateful for the opportunity to have fucked you in your ass, even if the smells and textures made/make me fear for my life.
Chin up, kid, New York is heaven for the penniless.
In my heart, all my foot taps have been for you Alex. Best of luck!
Alex,
Ken is much more vulgar and profane than you, so therefore you were always my second favorite. Well, of regular posters - Anonymous Lobbyist and Comics Guy are pretty funny too. Look, it's not about where you rank. I grew accustomed to your humor, and you occasionally came up with some funny shit, so I will miss you. And like any mouth breathing Bush voter I am easily made fearful of change. But it's not as though I am going to start going over to Gawker or anything. I am from the Midwest, and New York City has black people and terrorists and rats in the Taco Bell's. I will give these new guys a try, and I am sure at some point I will ask them to email me a cock shot and then we will all laugh and hopefully I won't get banned. That seems to be the Gawker circle of life.
Best of luck, and I will raise a glass to you this evening. Well, I've already raised about 4, but I'm good for another.
xoxo, hf
As an unabashed Deadspinner who picked up a Wonkette addiction, let me wish you the best of luck in your next endeavors.
Fuck off and god bless, you son of a bitch!
I'm sad to see you go, but at least I'll have a place to stay in New York now! It's been a good run and I know you'll be much happier in NYC. Obv.
Here's to...chain smoking, Tucker Carlson, free gin, losing my camera, wondering when you're going to put the pics up and last but not least, karaoke with Patrick. I bet you forgot about that.
Now there's one less good guy keeping the tidal wave of douchebaggery that is DC from taking this city hole. You were just one guy with your finger in the damn, but damn if it didn't help. Thank goodness I've moved up here to Petworth and will at least be able to escape up 95 fairly easily.
Best of luck. Don't let the vapidity of reviewing Gossip Girls at Gawker ruin your brain. I guess I'll have to read that site too.
Mr. Pareene, during your tenure here, I feel I have truly had the honor of BEING SHIT ON BY PROFESSIONALS.
"I have never been a quitter" - Jim Morrison
NYC? DC without its governmental efficiency.
If you are ever in the Blarney Rose on Lex, I'll be under the first table near the door. We'll exchange lies about meeting Jimmy Breslin.
Luved your stuff. BOL.
PS: Nice glasses.
To whom will I turn for Eno and Mekons allusions?
Just say the word, and I'll come running to tie your shoe.
Thanks for all the laughs and good luck!
it was you, my love, you who were the stranger. it was you, my love, you who were the stranger. go with all the gods you can find or use. the void left by your absence will amply fill with the toilet paper of new events, and will gradually close under the slow wiping action of time. if the farewells get any more poetic than this i'm going to puke.
Good luck, Sally Field!
As contraries are known by contraries, so is the delight of presence best known by the torments of absence. Or some shit like that!
sounds like i'm not the only one smashed tonight. I'll miss you buddy.
best of luck to you alex.
you put the sugar coating on that bitter reality pill we all have to take.
and how you made me laugh...the highest compliment i can give.
thanks and sloppy kisses,
baked
Pareene was virtuosic in his use of exclamation points. No one's ever said that about him, but it's true, damnit. And no one pissed Karen Feld off more than our Alex.
RIP, Pareene. ;(
@Slangwhanger-in-Chief: Yeats? As in Larry Craig, The Yeats?
@Choire: I'll miss the Pareene-Layne Wonkette terribly...Is this the site about the ass-fucking?
This is why I love the entire Gawker Media family of blogs. Please, Choire, treat our dear Pareene with at least as much love as you treated BalkBTW.
Okay, less, if that's what's necessary. You're the boss...
P.S. We can haz more "ass-fucking" and "butterstick" tags plz?!???!!??
P.P.S. So long as they have nothing to do with a certain pair of "fameballs".
P.P.P.S. Actually...LOLz!!11!!!!!
kthxbai
good job. you'll always have diaperman.
You left TOO early. The Oral Roberts thing is just heating up. Now they say the spouse and the student spent many nights together in the university guest house. [www.kjrh.com]
Great job, guy.
Smart lad, to slip betimes away
From fields where glory does not stay,
And early though the laurel grows
It withers quicker than...
A. Larry Craig's johnson, when the badge appeared under the stall divider.
B. A bridge on 35E.
C. Bush'es prose.
D. Cheney's hunting companions.
Go well among the New Yorkers!
Alex, I genuinely cant blame you for leaving town. Adultery aside, if I had a newspaper article written about the fact that I was putting my dong inside of "Ally Kearney" I would likely leave the country.
You were definitely always one of my top 10 favorite Wonkette editors.
Seriously Dude. That Ally girl appears to have all of the attributes of a labrador retriever --- except loyalty, of course. You'd think a snarky hipster like you could do a little better.
Alex--
You have cracked me up many times, maybe not as often than Ken, but more often than most everybody else.
I don't have a joke & I've had hours to come up with one. But I'm kinda focused on this woman who I've had a thing for for thirteen years who now has a thing for me & she's comin' over later. So really, there's very little blood in my brain right now.
None-the-less, enjoy it over in the internet ghetto, we'll come visit whenever the new guys link to you.
Don't let the bastards grind you down.
What a minute. This is a blog? I thought it was a porn chat room. Boy, am I embarrassed.
Good luck Alex.
MG
i'm sure the whole crowd will have something to say when you're at gawker. be sure to cover the number one thanksgiving day parade. we'll be watching somewhere near 72nd street.
keep your hand on your wallet.
.
btw, nyc was the first u. s. capitol. there may still be a few original congress people toe tappin' at the port authority.
Actually, you're missing a sure bet by not going to "Hilights" magazine. If anyone needs a serious dose of snarky, bitter and cynical, it's THOSE guys!
Plus, you could let us all know if the guy that "writes" the Knotheads is as brain-dead as he seems.
This may be a gloriously opportunistic time to mention my editing background. Then again, it may not be. Thank you for reminding me on a daily basis why I amended the Pledge in High School with "liberty and justice for some" and why (besides incorrigible stubbornness of course)I persisted in the face of officialdom and (non-pleasurable) beatings or threats thereof.
Quitting, like long naps, is one of the most pleasurable and least appreciated human endeavors. It sure as hell beats Staying the Course. Enjoy.
This site is about American law makers? I thought it was about dirty corrupt incompetent douche bags. Oh wait, they are one and the same.
Good job Alex and have fun at Gawker!
alex, may you have an endless cummer 4-ever!
Did I miss the party? Bye Alex. See you on the Gawker side.
(No, no, she was right. I sucked for a long time.)
Don't sell yourself short Pareene. You still suck.
Did he win something? Sounds like a Tony acceptance speech without the tribute to the partner who typed the ms. And Nathan Lane.
Mein Fuhrer!! I can walk!!
He can talk! He can sing! He can do most anything!
Oh hey, October, things are going on in different places, let's check it out: * OMFG did you know Gawker is mean? [New York magazine, 11 pages] * I should really retroactively quit, having learned such a terrible fact! Also, my Wonkette co-editor beat me to it, the lousy sonofabitch.
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