There Are Many Ways for a Kennedy To Get Hammered

Apparently the hammer was quite incensed to meet Rep. Patrick Kennedy, the Rhode Island Democrat who famously quipped, “I have never worked a fucking day in my life.” The hammer — which had worked many days over the course of its life — therefore struck Kennedy in his big fat mouth.

“Kennedy deserved to get slugged in the kisser,” said the hammer after the incident. “I wasn’t going to give him a free pass just because we’re both tools.”

IRONY ALERT: The accident happened at Kennedy’s meeting with Matt Kriesel, an entrepreneur who “produces Impact Gel, a shock-absorbing material used sports-shoe inserts, tennis rackets and horse saddles. Kriesel was hitting some gel with a hammer to demonstrate how it reduces vibration when the hammer’s head flew off and hit Kennedy in the mouth.”

Rep. Kennedy Hit in the Mouth by Hammer [AP]
Kennedy Receives Stitches After Injury at Business Meeting [Boston Globe]
Patrick “Patches” Kennedy: ‘I have never worked a [bleeping] day in my life’… [Free Republic]

READ MORE: accidents, injuries, patrick kennedy, self-writing jokes, the hammer

Remainders: Young Century You Are So Tricky

• Post-modern age, oh how we love thee. Shall you be compared to a summer’s day? Or that which is more beautiful, like the poetry of the large intestine swooning for a burrito? [Poop Report]

• Viral marketing at its finest. A product that they would make if they could, but they can’t, so someone else does, then they sue, and reap double the internet memes. Smoking must make you smart. [TSG]
  
• Immigration just looks like an intractable issue. The solution is actually quite simple. [TSPR]

• Why couldn’t it have been DeLay? Watching “the Hammer” scale a chain-link in his wife beater would have been a dream. Run, Tom, Run! [WFTV]

READ MORE: Remainders, crime, events, florida, gary siplin, immigration, law suits, lawyers, the hammer, tom delay

TIME: “Stop, Hammer”

Our deepest condolences to Tom DeLay, who ended the portion of his political career that relied on convincing people to vote for him in order to embark on that much more lucrative portion in which he just makes a shitload of money and exercises roughly the same amount of power and influence (depending, of course, on his legal situation — but we don’t think a little jail time will really stop the checks from flowing in for work in defense of Christianity).

Yeah, we’ll miss the old bastard — he knew how to be a majority leader, dammit. It’s about taking the R.J. Reynolds corporate jet to your arraignment and not giving a shit, not being famous for your goddamn tan like some dimestore George Hamilton. It’s about multiple admonishments from the House ethics committee, comparing yourself to Jesus, flashing a shit-eating grin in your mugshot, money-laundering, calling for violent retribution against activist judges, and contacting six federal agencies to trail Texas Democrats! Boehner — you have some mighty big shoes to fill. And Tom — we’ll miss you. We hope you keep up the shamelessness, wherever you end up.

Asked if he had done anything illegal or unethical in public office, DeLay replied curtly, “No.” Asked if he’d done anything immoral, he said with a laugh, “We’re all sinners.”

Oh, we could parse that “we” (Republicans? Congressmen? House Majority Leaders? Texans? Members of the DeLay family?), but we’d rather just accept it in the spirit in which it was offered. Tom, from those of us equally proud of being sinners, we thank you. While you were running things around here we laughed a little, we cried a little, and we learned a lot.

All that said, we’re still pretty relieved that not armed.

Tom DeLay Tells Why He’s Quitting [Time]

READ MORE: 2006, congress, crime, elections, john boehner, majority leader, midterms, scandal, sin, the hammer, tom delay

He’s the Hammer, Dammit

We don’t know about you, but we’re rooting for Tom DeLay in his primary today. The guy’s a bad-ass.

DeLay will be in Washington on primary day. He will spend Tuesday evening at a fundraiser hosted by husband and wife Bill Paxon and Susan Molinari, who served together in Congress before becoming lobbyists.

Look at that, he doesn’t even care. “Oh, a referendum on my character, huh? I think I’ll spend it in Washington receiving money from lobbyists.” It’s like showing up to your court-mandated treatment center with a flask. Brilliant.

Tom DeLay Faces First Big Post-Indictment Test [ABC]

READ MORE: Corruption, congress, crime, lobbying, lobbyists, primaries, scandal, texas, the hammer, tom delay