Wonkette

Ted:

All is forgiven. Please come home.

Sincerely,

--Mark Foley, James McGreevey, Michael Jackson.

Just curious, since Teddy is now certified (is there a regulatory board for this BTW?) 'completely heterosexual', what is INcompletely heterosexual?

Well, maybe he's cured, but those group hug situations are still gonna be awkward.

Where's de Nile river again?

Haggard is moving to either Iowa or Missouri to "study psychology," which, in his terminology, means "take 'shrooms." And fuck men.

Get real! He ain't a pitcher.

Maybe we can all send him a congratulatory gift.

It would lend a lot of credibility to his claim if he took down his manhunt profile now.

Just sayin.

okay so the gift link didn't come through:
http://www.lambdashopping.com/shopping/showitem.cfm?ID=21&...

From the looks of that picture, I'm sort of doubting the cure story.

[no-snark alert]

This guy is a joke. We knew this. But this gives all those fuck-up deprogramming centers another log for the fire. "Look--Ted Haggard cured himself. You can too! And you should, so that you can save yourself from hellfire and anything in the meantime that is remotely fun." So, in conclusion, fuck him.

Thank you.

[/no-snark]

Bullshit. Absolute bullshit.

McGreevey didn't prey on the youngins.

Fear not, Chicago Bureau. It's only a matter of time before he either gets caught "acting out" again or kills himself. Patience, my friend.

"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered."

Why does it sound like he discovered his heterosexuality, hidden way back in his sock drawer. Sitting next to something signifying quite the opposite, no doubt.

But this gives all those fuck-up deprogramming centers another log for the fire. "Look--Ted Haggard cured himself. You can too!

Well, at least until the next time the guy's caught blowing mis Meth dealer... that or until he puts a bullet through his head because, despite the 100% effectiveness of the "gay cure" (as proved by scientists working for the Institute for Creation Research) he still masturbates to gay porn on the internet.

Yea, I tried the hetero "acting out" thing, but whenever I ran out of cash, the strippers would move on to other patrons.

Never did get to the final act.

So what kind of treatment has produced this ungaying of Ted? I imagine that in the first week they started with sleep deprivation, followed by many hours of John Wayne movies alternated with the "sure cure" Streisand/cattle probe routine. The second week might involve enormous amounts of fiber, astronaut diapers and gladiator movies. The third week would be 24 hour a day PTL club sprinkled with subliminal shots of Kitty Harris in her heavy makeup phase. The fourth week would be solitary confinement with nothing but Jell-O and Reader's Digest magazines. After successfully completing the treatment he received a handsome certificate suitable for framing and a firm, masculine handshake (no hugging please).

Someone should tell Ted that not giving a reach-around does not make one straight.

Poor Ted, he's going to have to rob a liquor store and go to prison to get any action now.

"He is completely heterosexual...it was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

And here I thought that someone demonstrating "inconstant homosexuality" was a bisexual. Silly me.

Perhaps this rational could be used in other situations:

"Your honor, my client is completely law-abiding. All those robberies were just 'acting-out' situations."

"Honestly, dad, I am a complete tee-totaller. I was just 'acting-out' when I got sh*t-faced drunk..."

Can these guys cure Cancer and Butt Ugliness too?

Praise the lord. Turn to page 111 of your hymnal and let's sing to brother Ted's miraculous recovery from the most un-christian of all diseases: homosexuality. He was sorely tempted by the flesh (a Democrat, no doubt) but is once again on the straight and narrow... a Republican in good standing.

Just remember to keep those offerings coming in. We can deprogram the whole world in 3 easy weeks, or wars, whichever comes first.

I smell a movie contract..

I smell a late-night, "We CAN cure your gayness!" infommercial.

Time to close down the megachurch of the revealer and recycle it into a Mega Hard Rock Cafe. God save the Drag Queen!

Note how they are only making/rolling about in the hay wrt Haggard's homosexuality. Obviously, being a drug addict is apparently totally cool for the religious right, not to mention law enforcement. As Karl Marx put it, religion is opium for the people. Quite possibly the only true statement the old bastard ever made.

Say, could he be heading to Minnesota (just up the river from Missouri and Iowa) to join MN Representative Michelle Bachmann's husband (and fabulous shopper) Marcus' at his famous "cure gay men's clinic"?

What if some faggy Snickers commercial sends him around the bend again?

dumbdumbbullet:
"As Karl Marx put it, religion is opium for the people. Quite possibly the only true statement the old bastard ever made."

Really? What about this one:

"Anyone who knows anything of history knows that great social changes are impossible without feminine upheaval. Social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex, the ugly ones included."

But, what if we exclude the ugly ones?

I think you are all missing the best part of this snippet, which of course is "It wasn't a constant thing". It paints such a great picture of gay guys engaged in hot, drug-fueled assfucking every second of every day. I mean, even the boyzzzz at the White Party take a break to go tanning...

And just to prove that he's hetero now, look out next week for "TED HAGGARD IS MY BABY'S DADDY" on the next Montel.

...but the oiled Speedo wrestling with Mormons doing their walkabout?

totally straight!

In the photo Haggard appears to asking to receive the Big One. The very Big One.

BTW: is that shishkabob draped around his neck? If so, one more bad sign. -- Grilled lamb and pineapple chunks on a spit will not cure your hunger for tube steak, Ted.

Time to close down the megachurch of the revealer and recycle it into a Mega Hard Rock Cafe.

...and they won't even have to change the decor.
http://www.quitsearching.com/images/mysins.jpg

this is great news. but are we still stuck with lance bass??

This is what Ted's recovery will be like, as brought to you by Mr. Show ten years ago:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2VW1E3pRI8

I was just wondering, does anyone know if it ever came out that Mark Foley was abused by a priest? He's from Newton (MA) so it wouldn't surprise me if he was.

Or said he was. Whatever.