Wonkette
Before we start with this year’s greatest-ever Official Wonkette SOTU Drinking Game, let’s all remember to play fair and play mean. Here are the Rules:
- A “hit” (or “sip” for girls) is the basic unit of drinking of no offense to anybody.
- A “shot” is the standard 1.5-ounce serving of hard liquor; If your shot glass has a line midway around it, this is the 1-ounce level. Go ahead and add another half ounce.
- A “chug” is the act of consuming your entire beverage — usually beer — in a single terrible gulp.
- “Valium” is the trademarked name for the now-generic prescription benzodiazepine derivative. Substitute any Rx downer in your medicine cabinet if Diazepam is not available.
- A “rail” is two 1.5-inch-long lines of cocaine or methamphetamine. Get it, like a little railroad! But in these more innocent days, most people mean a single line when they say “rail.” We mean two lines.
- If you don’t have a gun, keep a heavy cast-iron skillet and a box of rat poison near your television.
Let the games begin, after the jump ….
Take a hit when:
- News anchor mumbles incoherently about “the speech of this president’s mmm bbl mmmm.”
- “Political analyst” brings up any SOTU before Eisenhower.
- Fat congressman bumps into camera, causing discernible wobble.
- Fox cuts to Jim Webb looking crazy.
One booze hit, one bong hit if Bush:
- Says “freedom loving people” and “Iraq” in same sentence.
- Repeats same bullshit about oil dependence from last year.
- Makes first malapropism.
- Starts frantically blinking.
Do a shot when:
- CNN cuts to Nancy Pelosi frowning or wagging her finger.
- Fox anchor calls Obama “Osama.”
- Abandoned CSPAN camera stays on closed door for 60 seconds or more.
- Cheney gives his first curled-lip scowl.
Chug your beer or down your wine or do two shots when:
- Audible boos regarding Iraq.
- Audible boos regarding taxes on health care benefits.
- Audible “fuck you!” from House side.
- Fox cuts to Harry Reid playing pocket pool.
Pop two valiums and punch your roommate when:
- Cheney clutches his chest and sags forward.
Do a rail and put on a Sabbath CD when:
- Bush falsely claims God favors America in anything.
Demand heroin from your coke dealer and throw butcher knife at the cat:
- Pelosi laughs when Bush talks about dead troops.
Three shots, two rails, shoot your TV and drive through neighbor’s living room:
- Bush says state of the union is “wrong.”
Hooray for Democracy! Please add your own variations in the comments — especially tonight as you’re inventing and practicing said variations.
Comments
Every time the word "troops" is used, take a hit of Dutch beer, then give your roommate a Dutch rudder.
I almost feel sorry for the Shrub, that he can't drink at his own SOTU. He's gonna need it. Of course, he could always arrive pre-lubricated. I'm sure no one in the viewing audience could tell the difference.
Also, take a shot whenever they show an elder statesman taking a well-timed nap.
Take a shot whenever Hastert throws a Jedi into the rancor pit
Chug if they catch Coburn doing the crossword again, or if Hillary leads another clapfest to a line like "Though Congress failed to pass my Social Security reform--".
When Bush announces we'll be greeted as liberators in Iran, shotgun a beer, throw the can at a cop, and cry softly to yourself.
Take a shot for every '08 contender they cut to. Proceed to get shitfaced.
Watching the SOTU tonight... I'd rather smash my thumb repeatedly with a roofing hammer.
Sorry, Fox can't cut to Jim Webb looking crazy. He won't be in the room. He's giving the rebuttal. I propose we replace with "Kennedy looks bored out of his mind." There were a few fantastic bored Kennedy shots the last few years, though it was sometimes hard to tell if he was bored or just completely beside himself that this shithead is actually President and he has to listen to him.
When the Halliburton ex-SEALs appear at the doors of the chamber and methodically begin gunning down everyone not named Bush or Cheney, bend over and kiss your ass goodbye.
I'm gunna be WASTED.
When Bush dissolves the Congress, dismisses the Judicial Branch, and declares himself to be the Holy American Emperor/Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, inject 750ml of 18-year old Scotch directly into femoral artery, defecate on living room/bar floor, kill self with broken Scotch bottle.
Take a sip when:
Dems applaud and Republicans DON'T
Bush proposes funding for something that will never happen (a la AIDS crisis in Africa, circa 2003)
Cutaway of Ted Kennedy asleep
When Bush reveals new immigration policy (scarecrows full of subsidized switchgrass), pluck out an eye and hurl it across the room like a bola.
Take a shot when:
Bush mentions Social Security and looks like he might cry.
Cameras cutaway to Hastert in the back row of the chamber.
Cheney shoots Pelosi in face or kills her with mind
SwitchGRASS = bong hit, obviously
Take a shot and a bong hit every time the camera cuts to Heath Shuler looking confused.
Do a rail and begin furiously masturbating every time the camera cuts to Stephanie Herseth.
Cutaway to Joe Lieberman sitting uncomfortably with the Dems - cup of sake
Cutaway to Bernie Sanders - beer with chaser (for the working man)
FOX announcer pointing out Sanders "is a communist" - 3 Oxycontin
Do an eighth and put on some Jefferson Airplane:
Cindy Sheehan streaks in front of the cameras.
How many TVs do I need for this? If I have to watch CNN, CSPAN and FOX simultaneously, my head might explode (then again, Monday was the 20th anniversary of R. Budd Dwyer blowing his brains out, so the head explosion might be a fitting tribute).
I think we can all agree that the following now applies:
Ted Kennedy: SOTU cutaways:: Jack Nicolson: Award show cutaways
If only Kennedy would wear dark glasses indoors and make snarky, probably-obscene responses every time the camera is turned toward him.
Smoke a doobie every time the camera cuts to John Hall.
Take a Hall's mentholyptus every time the camera cuts to Jeff "Skunk" Baxter.
After the show:
Drop a barbituate in a shot glass of vodka and down it while cry-laughing whenever a Democrat insists that Jim Webb's rebuttal was aggressive and clearly demonstrates that the Democrats have a Plan.
Am I the only one who wants to see David in DC's picture full size? (if that's really him)
A shot is in order every time:
the President utters the phrase "enemy of freedom" or,
a horrified House Member/Senator recoils from an attempted Presidential hug/photo opp.
If Bush at any point looks like he might be more stoned/drunk than you are, steal all the drinks within five feet of you. Friends', strangers', whatever. Chug them all.
Take a hit every for every minority in a seat adjacent (side, front, back, diagonal) to Laura Bush.
Enject heroin between your toes if Jenna Bush brings her Guatemalan (or whatever the hell he is) boyfriend.
Send an electric charge to your nipples each time Bush falsely "invites" democrats to work with him on something.
Perform autoasphyxiation if John Tester cuts off one of his own fingers so he can throw it at Bush.
"Cheney shoots Pelosi in the face..."
If I ever allow myself to sleep again, this will now be my recurring nightmare.
Thanks.
Cogito Ergo Bibo - what do you think is in that water jug at the podium? Flat gin and tonics, no ice, to make it LOOK like water.
Bush makes non-sequitor mention of how strong our economy is:
Chug warm High Life
Bush smirks:
Nitrous balloon and gravity bong rips
Bush uses the word "sacrifice":
Push a nun down a flight of stairs
Cutaway to Barbara Bush:
Forcibly remove genitalia with hot whaling knife
Cutaway to Joe Liebermann clapping:
Down a bottle of Manischewitz
Any time Bush mentions - aw hell, honestly, it's probably best to just start drinking right now in hopes of being passed out by the time that asshole gladhands his way down the center aisle.
If at any point in the SOTU address the President says that he has had an epiphany and now understands that sending in more troops to referee an ancient muslim sectarian blood fued is a really bad idea...
STOP DRINKING IMMEDIATELY!
You are hallucinating and on the brink of acute alcohol poisoning.
Purge and call 911.
Sorry HP, it's Keith Richard.
Chug two beers from your Austin Powers Penile Enlarger and toss your Dr. Evil Anal Suppositories out the nearest window when:
Fox camera cuts to VP Cheney wiggling uncontrollably in his seat, trying to do what he told Senator Leahy to do way back when.
David: Ewwwwwwww
The Expat: Well that makes a lot more sense. Thanks!
Note to self: must bring "water" to next, godawful corporate "all hands on deck, whether you really need to be there or not" meeting.
Hang on -
What's the cue to choke on a pretzel?
Pound a fifth of vodka every time Bush mentions enemies of freedom" or "islamic extreemists" and Fox cuts to a shot of Keith "Hakiem" Ellison.
If he mention the big September thing, do two shots.
If he mentions "Chemical *," do two shots.
If he talks about not listening to polls, take a pull/hit.
If he mentions Zawahiri, take two shots.
--Note '*' is a wildcard
Cogito: Funnel it into a quartsize 'sparkling water' bottle (don't forget to squeeze in some lime juice) recap, and store in freezer until meeting. That way, it's not flat and its nice and cold like a G n' T should be.
Cheers!
Oh no! Obama and Hillary are in the same shot?! Does that mean we drink double? I think it does.
Have someone administer a 1 qt. sherry enema if the occurance of the word "bipartisanship" outnumbers the phrase "pre-9/11 mindset".
@Tin Foil Hat: When a FOX anchor figures out a way to talk about Rudy Giuliani despite his absences, smash your thumb repeatedly with a roofing hammer.
They didn't invite that prick, did they?
Pour out a 40 if we get a moment of silence for Heath Ledger.
@arseinstein: Why doesn't this one involve taking six different kinds of prescription drugs in your 21-year old fuck buddy's apartment?
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