Wonkette

MILE-HIGH HAPPY ENDINGS: “Whether You’re Looking for a Stiff Drink or a Swedish Massage, the Mile High City Has Plenty of Ways Recharge During the Democratic National Convention.” [Associated Content]

Beware. John McCain’s BRUTAL NO-HOLDS-BARRED RESPONSE AD OF DEATH about TONY REZKO is out, and you better be SCARED. Ha ha just kidding, it sucks. The ad distills Obama’s naive but benign relationship with Rezko into a more familiar, corrupt politician’s narrative: (1) Rezko bought Obama a house, so (2) Obama returned the favor by giving him $14 million in taxpayer money! Since this is a horrible lie, the narrator doesn’t actually say this, just chooses words that sound like he’s saying this. Too bad no one will ever care about this. [YouTube]

• JUST LIKE AFTER 9/11: From Drudge: “MCCAIN OFFICE IN DENVER RECEIVES ENVELOPE WITH WHITE POWDER AND DEATH THREAT… DEVELOPING…” This is misleading. It was mailed to the wrong candidate, and the “death threat” was actually a post-it note from the friendly dealer warning Barry not to do too much at once. [Drudge Report]

Wonkette operative “Basart” just sent iron-clad evidence supporting his completely made-up theory that Lincoln “Rhode Island Red” Chaffee will be Barack’s challenging independent vice president — our new LBJ! The list is sure to surprise/confound you. MORE »

The McCain people are pretty hopped up on steroids today and are issuing some tuff talk after this morning’s delightful housing kerfuffle. They’re putting the finishing touches on an ad about Obama’s “slum landlord” friend Tony Rezko, a topic they claim to have avoided before today, when Obama supposedly “opened the door” to this sort of nasty attack. To most people this logic would be a non sequitur — but most people do not understand logic quite like the McCain Rapid Response Team! MORE »

Thieving drug-addict beer heiress Cindy McCain can’t even keep her Third World Orphan Hunting stories straight! Both Cindy and the McCain campaign have repeatedly put out this story about Cindy traveling the world to laugh at poor people but then Mother Teresa said “Adopt these orphans you must,” and then Cindy adopted a couple of orphans, forgetting one on the plane and raising the other as Meghan’s unwanted little sister. But this, too, is a lie, as Cindy McCain has never met Mother Teresa. [Crooks and Liars/AMERICAblog]

As we wait for the wicked nasty response ad about Rezko and Ayers that the McCain team is surely splicing together right now, let’s “read” some tea leaves: “CHICAGO - Barack Obama says he’s decided on a running mate, but he won’t say who. The Democratic presidential candidate told USA Today on Thursday that he went with someone who is independent and would challenge him in the White House. He also said he wanted someone who is prepared to be president and would help him strengthen the economy.” He’s so weird. Why would anyone want a vice president that would “challenge” him? Sounds like a pain in the rear. But that aside, this obviously changes everything we ever knew about the veepstakes and really everything else too. MORE »

Oh rats, we discovered unemployed blogger Meghan McCain’s YouTube channel and were all set to post “A Children’s Treasury of Comical Meghan McCain YouTube Videos,” but they are all SO BORING. Half of them are about visiting deformed people in third-world countries. Who cares about those people! (At least they have excuses for being unemployed, btw.) Here’s the only decent one, and it’s five months old. It documents the famous Sedona barbecue the McCains held for their journalist friends back in March. MORE »

The DNC has sent us this lovely map of John McCain’s houses and airplanes and gnome slaves. Since they’ve made it terribly unreadable, you may view it full size in right here. But to the point: this is devastating you see! Because most of his properties are “condominiums,” a fancy rich word that the well-to-do use when referring to what common folks call “apartments.” And can you even believe this Fun Fact that one of McCain’s “condos” — that is rich slang for “condominiums” — has a concierge, a French word meaning, “house slave who shows rich people the least congested route to the airport during rush hour.”

DID JOHN EDWARDS HAVE MORE SEX WITH LADIES?: Intrepid blog reporter Choire Sicha hears that a New York Times Metro reporter is digging into “a story about John Edwards and a Duke graduate.” We are Ethical and don’t want to spread scurrilous rumors, but maybe John Edwards has been fucking a Duke graduate? Maybe John Edwards has been fucking seven Duke graduates and had like 20 babies with each of them, who knows, there must be more information out there. [Radar]