More Breaking News: The Apocalypse Is Near

Some bad news from the West Coast:

Plague, of course, is one of the classic signs of the apocalypse. And here are a few others:

• Fire: Check. At that holy site called the Heritage Foundation, no less.
• Wars: Check.
• Rumors of wars: Check. Thanks, Sy.
• A spree of false Christs and/or Messiahs: Check. That’s what all this “Gospel of Judas” business is all about.
• The birth of the Antichrist: Check. And the TomKitten is named Suri, which means “utterly fucked” in Persian.

Finally, earlier this week, Robin Givhan won a Pulitzer Prize.

Wow. We’re seriously, seriously fucked.

Case of bubonic plague confirmed in L.A. [CNN]
Apocalpyse [rotten.com]

Earlier: BREAKING: Fire at the Heritage Foundation
Sy Hersh: Life of the Party
BREAKING: ROBIN GIVHAN WON A PULITZER!
Related: BREAKING: Tom and Katie’s Publicist Gives Birth on Their Behalf [Gawker]

READ MORE: breaking, disease, heritage foundation, holy shit, iran, iraq, katie holmes, oh fuck, plague, pulitzers, robin givhan, seymour hersh, tom cruise, tomkat, tomkitten, top

Threat Level Lowered to “Oh, Fuck”

We admit, we’ve been big fans of indulging in complete flat-out panic these last couple days since the Hersh piece dropped. Mostly ‘cause, you know, it’s just more interesting than the simmering nihilistic disgust that’s been our constant, monotonous companion lo these last few… years, really. A little Cuban Missile Crisis Last Night on Earth adrenaline spices up a midterm election cycle otherwise full of phone-jamming and lobbying and ethics violations.

There there is no doubt in our mind that the civilians currently in charge of the US military are the types who would wage “tactical” nuclear war if they could get away with it politically. There’s the “holy shit” bit. And frankly, whenever people say “not even this administration would do that,” they usually already did it a couple days ago.

But: Hersh has started to point out that it’s really more of an “oh, fuck” than a “holy shit” situation (if we may make that important distinction). As a couple commenters have noted, it’s the Pentagon’s job to have detailed plans in place for waging on on every country in the world plus Vermont. So, while we don’t believe for one minute that this administration has any interest whatsoever in solving the Iran thing diplomatically (seriously, people, have you been paying attention?), it took two years of being in charge + 9/11 for Iraq to become a reality, and while the “messianic” thing still freaks us out, we’re not quite thinking “nuclear apocalypse” yet. Air strikes followed by Iraq’s final descent into civil war and lawlessness? Well, yeah. That’ll be like October.

But this is Wonkette, so let’s just make fun of Matt Drudge:
Left, PANIC! PANIC! Right, more liberal lies.

READ MORE: drudge, george w. bush, headlines, iran, nuclear war, oh fuck, seymour hersh, war

Iran Enriches Uranium: You Know, For Kids!

Oh no! Rhetoric!
Condi, we know you’re trying to be tough and all, but we’re still pretty close to tagging this as “holy shit” — Sy Hersh just gets us a little skittish when he starts talking about “tactical nuclear weapons,” and, well, we already kinda know how your boss feels about “diplomacy.” So we urge you, Condi, to learn a little more about Iran before you take it to the Security Council — get to know them, you know? We think we have a lot in common, after all. Like, for example, they have crappy and incomprehensible kids websites too:
Yeah. That’s the Space Shuttle up top there. No, we don’t know why. It kinda freaks us out a little, but those stock photography kids at the top make us feel a little better. This was the only thing we could find in English. Any Persian speakers out there want to tell us what the hell is going on? With this site or with the forthcoming nuclear apocalypse, either one will do.

Rice on Iran: ‘We can’t let this continue’ [CNN]
Iran Kids
Earlier: Iran Enriches Uranium Underneath Watchful Eye of IAEA, Electric Six
Sy Hersh: Life of the Party
Related: Wonkette Coverage of Federal Government Websites

READ MORE: condoleezza rice, diplomacy, iran, kids, kidz, nuclear war, seymour hersh, space, websites

Iran Enriches Uranium Underneath Watchful Eye of IAEA, Electric Six

Looks like Iran finally got around to reading this week’s New Yorker (they really pile up!):

“The nuclear fuel cycle at the laboratory level has been completed, and uranium with the desired enrichment for nuclear power plants was achieved,” Mr. Ahmedinejad said in a speech that was broadcast live from the city of Mashad.

“Iran has joined the nuclear countries of the world,” he later added. “This is a starting point for more major points of success for the Iranian nation.”

Oh, great. Wonderful. Thanks a lot, Sy. Way to give ‘em the idea.

Iran Announces Success in Enriching Uranium [NYT]
Earlier: Sy Hersh: Life of the Party

READ MORE: iran, jesus fuck, nuclear apocalypse, seymour hersh, the new yorker, uranium, war

Sy Hersh: Life of the Party

Oh, hi there, famed investigative reporter Seymour Hersh. What’s up?

There is a growing conviction among members of the United States military, and in the international community, that President Bush’s ultimate goal in the nuclear confrontation with Iran is regime change.

Heh heh, that’s, uh, that’s a good one. Pretty funny stuff. Seriously, though, how are ya’?

One former defense official, who still deals with sensitive issues for the Bush Administration, told me that the military planning was premised on a belief that “a sustained bombing campaign in Iran will humiliate the religious leadership and lead the public to rise up and overthrow the government.”

Uh, yeah, you almost had us going there for a minute. You’re quite a joker, Sy. Weather’s sure been unpredictable lately, don’t you think?

Some operations, apparently aimed in part at intimidating Iran, are already under way. American Naval tactical aircraft, operating from carriers in the Arabian Sea, have been flying simulated nuclear-weapons delivery missions—rapid ascending maneuvers known as “over the shoulder” bombing—since last summer, the former official said, within range of Iranian coastal radars.

OK SERIOUSLY IT’S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE.

The adviser added, however, that the idea of using tactical nuclear weapons in such situations has gained support from the Defense Science Board, an advisory panel whose members are selected by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “They’re telling the Pentagon that we can build the B61 with more blast and less radiation,” he said.

Oh man you are totally not invited to our next barbecue.

The Iran Plans [New Yorker]

READ MORE: holy shit, iran, nuclear war, seriously: holy shit, seymour hersh, war

Deity to W.: You Da Man

In this week’s New Yorker, Seymour Hersh returns from his canvas of the Iraq War’s ring of power with the usual dismal news. President Bush and his advisers keep all bad news about the war at arm’s length, vow their steely determination to “stay the course” in spite of never defining what the course may be, hurl raw meat at Dick Cheney to calm his reflexive snarling, etc. Then, however, there’s this:

After the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, [one]former official said, he was told that Bush felt that “God put me here” to deal with the war on terror. The President’s belief was fortified by the Republican sweep in the 2002 congressional elections; Bush saw the victory as a purposeful message from God that “he’s the man,” the former official said. Publicly, Bush depicted his reëlection as a referendum on the war; privately, he spoke of it as another manifestation of divine purpose.

Thanks a lot, Sy. Now we’re gonna have that stupid Depeche Mode song about God having a sick sense of humor stuck in our head all day. — HOLLY MARTINS

Up in the Air [The New Yorker]

Blasphemous Rumours [Lyrics Freak]

READ MORE: george w. bush, iraq war, scary fundie hubris, seymour hersh