Ask a Hill Staffer: Staff Asses

“Boy,” you say to yourself. “There are a lot of things about the workings of our legislative branch that weren't covered by Schoolhouse Rock. Where can I go to learn all that stuff the Liberal Edutainment Industry doesn't want me to know?”

Right here, chief. We got ourselves a pet Hill Staffer who's dying to hear from you. He wants nothing more than to answer your questions. This week, Unnamed Junior Offical covers congressional sex (again — you people really need a hobby), official letters from MAVERICKS, and, naturally, soup. Catch up on your civics, after the jump. And make sure to send us more questions by shooting us an email with “Ask a Hill Staffer” in the subject line.

Will chicks sleep with you if you work for a Senator? Will chicks sleep with me if I say I work for a Senator?

Not just any chicks will — Hill chicks will sleep with you! And it depends what you say you do for the Senator. If you are, say, a Legislative Correspondent, you can get Staff Assistants and LC’s from the House side to sleep with you. If you say you’re a Legislative Assistant, you can get Staff Asses and LC’s as well as LA’s from the House to sleep with you. Get the pattern? Pretty much anybody beneath you in the Congressional pecking order will sleep with you. Well, if you say you’re a Senator, you can get just about anybody to sleep with you except other Senators. So if you had your eyes on Susan Collins, well, you better tell her you’re the fucking President. It just isn’t going to happen any other way…by the way, if you try this on Mary Bono and it happens to work, let me know!

Do opposites attract? I would love to get my hands on many members of the Republican Party just to fuck the stupid out of them. Do you get this urge working on the Hill?

You know how you always have dust on your TV? The dust is positive, the TV is negative, ergo, opposites do attract. So the answer to your first question is yes, and our little science experiment proves it. I take it you’re a Democrat…don’t give up on trying to fuck the stupid out of them, because if science has anything to say about it, you’ve got a shot. And maybe, just maybe, once all that stupid is out of them they’ll wise up and turn into Democrats. You’d really be doing a public service, because hot Democrats are few and far between! But then again, if they become Democrats, you won’t stand much of a chance when it comes to fucking the stupid back into them. Think about this carefully, my friend. The answer to your second question is yes, I get this urge approximately two times every legislative day working on the Hill.

Have you ever wanted to sabotage official letters from politicians with brilliant quips such as, “To The Honorable Poopy Head George W. Bush!” or “Sincerely Yours, John ( I'm fucking war hero — dig it?) McCain”

Buddy, if you can figure out a way to send official letters from John “I’m a fucking war hero—dig it?” McCain to the Honorable Poopy Head George W. Bush, let me know, because I’ve been dreaming of the day that will happen. I think another good one would be Vern “I’m red because I’m so hot” Ehlers in a letter to Sheila “that’s right bitch” Jackson “Didn’t you hear me the first fucking time” Lee. Or you could just make like Peter “Pedro” King and tell your constituents they’re retarded when you don’t agree with them. Seriously, it takes some balls to tell people “You are morally, intellectually and politically wrong” when you have to run for office every 2 years. It’s also cool that the Chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee doesn’t care that he’s a total asshole. Get bent, terrorists!

What the fuck is up with that senator bean soup?

My little brother asks me this question all the time, and I’ll tell you the same thing I tell him: the secret ingredient is not beans, it’s Senators. Strom Thurmond’s casket was empty. The chopped him up into a million little pieces and are slowly adding him to the soup. Pretty much every former Senator becomes Senate Bean Soup when they die, except for the ones that become Presidents. Sitting Senators need a bowl a day in order to maintain their superior legislative powers. Without it, they can’t legislate, nor can they effectively waste your tax dollars. The filibuster is not a political move, it’s just something they do while they’re cooking up a new batch of Senate Bean Soup or waiting for another Senator to die.

(Got a question? Ask away.)

READ MORE: Democrats, Republicans, ask a hill staffer, congress, john mccain, mary bono, peter king, senator bean soup, sex, sheila jackson lee, strom thurmond, vern ehlers