Ask a Hill Staffer: Civics for Sociopaths

Last week, we introduced you to our helpful Hill staffer friend. Still recovering, as are most at the Capitol, from his three-day weekend, he sobered up just long enough to answer more of your questions.

Today, our man on the inside tackles (and peppers) Hill living, Hill drinking, hot chicks, and, of course, commemorative flags.

What’s your favorite Hill bar?

That’s a tough one, because even though I’ve been to a lot of them, I don’t really remember them all that well. However, I have stolen a pint glass from Hawk and Dove, so I’m pretty sure it’s a good place. I think you can group them into three categories: Tortilla Coast and Bullfeathers, Pennsylvania Avenue, and Mass Avenue. TC and BF’s have the worst food in Washington. Pennave has the most hot House staffers. Massave just sucks. Except for La Loma, which has the best sangria in Washington. And there’s nothing like a cold glass of Sangria on a hot summer Wednesday morning in Washington!

What’s the best place to live on Capitol Hill?

I think this is a stupid question, because there aren’t really any good places to live on Capitol Hill. Unless you like having nothing to do on the weekend. In that case, anywhere is fine. Seriously, don’t insult me. But, if someone put a gun to my head and said I’ll shoot if you don’t tell me where the best place to live on the Hill is, I’d say Hawk and Dove. I’d sleep under the bar. That’s also a great metaphor. Think about it.

Which offices have the hottest chicks?

Let me begin by saying I don’t appreciate you objectifying our federally elected officials like that. They are the guardians of our sacred Constitution. But since you ask, the answer is Trent Lott. Walking into his office is like walking into an Ole Miss Sorority house. I remember as an intern I used to walk by several times a day to catch a glimpse, because that was the closest my ass was ever going to get to them. Need a signature? I’ll get it! Senator needs lunch? Right here buddy! They thought I was a real go-getter, but I was really just checking out those southern belles. But I work on the other side of the Hill now so I rarely get to see them. Dammit! House chicks suck! The Senate just has better looking girls, flat out. The House is kind of like the NHL after expansion…the talent pool has really been diluted. Also, Republican chicks are way better looking than Democratic chicks in general. Keep that in mind the next time you vote.

Two questions:
Are those commemorative “Flags Flown Over the Capitol” flags for constituents for real or are you just bullshitting us?
Have you ever gotten in a Congresswoman's pants? How'd you do it?
Thanks,
A Midwestern Rube

Whoa there…I believe the instructions said “if you have a question” not if you have TWO questions. But, seeing as you are an illiterate Midwesterner, I’ll indulge. Yes they’re real. They are generally made out of cotton or nylon. Why the hell would a Congressman try to give you an imaginary flag? As to how they are flown over the Capitol, well, that’s part of the magic of Congress. Anyway, they’re especially good for burning at protests. Get a flag flown over the Capitol, and it'll be all the rage at your next jihad! The answer to your second question is no, I haven’t ever gotten into a Congresswoman’s pants. But it’s not for lack of trying! I’ve sent flowers, given her candy, returned her underpants…but Congresswoman Bono just doesn’t seem interested…

How do you feel about Dick Cheney shooting somebody in the face?

How many times have I said that I've wanted to “shoot that guy in the face”? Well, he actually got to do it. Good for you, Dick Cheney. Because of him, you too will soon be able to shoot people in the face. Nobody will be pissing each other off anymore because of the threat of being shot in the face. Watch out! Maybe people will finally start walking left, standing right on the Metro. The new voice of the Metro should record something like “on the escalators, please walk left, stand right, or risk being SHOT in the FACE.” I’m going to Virginia to buy a gun right now!

What do you do during recess in Congress?

All the Congressmen and Senators go out and play on the monkey bars. Halfway through recess though, the Senators start throwing rocks at the Congressmen, who whine like little bitches to the President. Then the Senators have to go in early and start passing laws, while the Congressmen get to stay outside and enjoy the tube-slide and steering wheel thing at the top of the slide. That thing was so fun! It was like you were driving all your friends around in a giant retarded looking car! And this is why Congress never accomplishes anything, because they are a bunch of children who are out at recess for like half the year.

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