Wonkette
Monica Goodling resigned as Gonzales’ top counsel on Friday after pleading the Fifth before Congress, but she’s still being investigated and will surely be tortured on C|SPAN for bravely breaking a thousand laws at the Justice Department.
What do we know about this latest human sacrifice by the Bush Administration? Well, she went to Pat Robertson’s college, so she’s a Jesus-freak nutbag. And she worked on Dubya’s opposition-research hit squad in 2000. Oh, and she put up some remarkably crappy personal web pages in 1999.
Let’s all laugh together, after the jump.
Let’s start with the “home page.” It’s got all the beloved features of a 1999 home page: a banal personal statement, posed “casual” photograph and a few links.
Where do the links go? The intriguingly-titled “Family Addictions” is ultimately a disappointment — an aunt enjoys chocolate, etc. — although it does reveal a few dark family secrets:
- Her dad went crazy in ‘Nam, and years later he abandoned his whole family to rejoin the military.
- For his piloting skills, he won a “metal” of valor.
- Her mother eventually remarried, and the stepfather is a glutton.
There’s a “Friends” page, too, where we learn a little about life at “Messiah College” in a dorm called (of course) “the Whitehouse.” Also:
- One of her friends immediately went to work for Merck, while another apparently got married and had a child before even finishing school.
- There was a wild “togo” party.
- Boys and girls apparently spent unchaperoned hours together … even at night!
- “Quick memories include: talking to Greg in the basement of Fry in a fluffy green Victoria [sic] Secret bathrobe with my dripping hair up in a pink turben [sic] at midnight.”
- But it wasn’t always fun and games with the boys, as Monica darkly hints at “several kidnapping experiences that are best forgotten.”
What can we learn from her “Political Sites” links page?
- Above links for CNN, AllPolitics.com and USA Today is this title: “A little news from the left.”
- Under “A little analysis from the right,” there are links to the Heritage Foundation, Neopolitique, Washington Times National Weekly Edition, Family Resource Council, National Review, The Federalist Society and Town Hall. Notice something about that list? Yep, no conservative blogs. There were no liberal blogs, either. They didn’t exist, none of them. 1999 seems more and more like an impossible dream of paradise.
- Oh yeah, she tops this page with a John Ashcroft quote. Good god …. (UPDATE: She misspelled that, too. It reads “John Ascroft.”)
Monica also posted an essay she wrote about helping the poor children. Some highlights:
- “For centuries it has been known that the greatest duty of being a parent is to raise the child. And yet, study after study shows that millions of America’s children are neglected every day. The reason for this failure to act must be due to a change in parents’ philosophies. It is there, in their innermost parts, that the devaluation of their children begins.”
- Female children of divorced parents “are more often sexually active, more likely to contract venereal diseases, and have children out of wedlock.”
- “However, if Dan Quayle really was correct, then why would so many women be willing to give birth to a child absent marriage? For many, babies are a ticket to independence, a ticket sponsored by public assistance programs.”
Monica M. Goodling Homepage [Web Archive]
MONICA M. GOODLING Resume [Web Archive]
Top Gonzales Aide Resigns After Refusing to Testify [Hispanic Business]
Comments
i'd hit it, but, cuz she's a republican, i'd only hit it from the back...
is it just me, or does the new breed of snake chunkers look a lot like the dirty hippies of yesteryear?
I can't believe I am going to say this, but: that picture has Monica looking moderately hot. In a frizzy-hair-dominated John Hughes adaptation of the Left Behind series kind of way, yes, but definitely hittable (the presence of a virginity belt notwithstanding).
Sounds like just the sort of simple minded ditz that would find a home in the Bush White House.
And the kind of aide that the equally simple minded ditz Alberto Gonzales would hire.
Gotta hand it to the Bushies. They adhere to type.
Ok, this makes up for a lot, so please disregard my harsh comments in the Wolfowitz post.
But just two words come to mind based on the photo at the top of this page: Granny panties.
Enjoy.
More than enough to hint at the psychotic nutbag she would become. For instance, the long-suffering roommate who would play tennis with her at midnight in the middle of February because Monica had some aggression she needed to work off. The fact that said roommate left school rather than stay her roommate. That her "friends" buried her car and planted a tree on top of it.
Oh yeah, and the fact that she got her "undergraduate degree" at a school founded by the guy who says Jesus told him to put a contract out on Hugo Chavez.
Come to think of it, the crazy was there all along.
I think that picture was taken right after she was seen, "throwing something off the Tallahatchie Bridge."
"Simple-minded ditz" is a requirement for acceptance at Regents.
Hope Monica G. remembers her 1999 web page when she is compelled to testify: " . . . it's a lot better when you're smiling."
Monica speaks about divorce: "Female children of divorced parents 'are more often sexually active, more likely to contract venereal diseases, and have children out of wedlock.'"
Monica, why do you have both a daddy and step-daddy? Ask one mommy.
About your comments concerning the slutty ways of female children of divorce: Monica, can you say, "psychological projection"?
Oh she took the Fifth alright - of my heart! <3 swoon! <3
1999?! That webpage is more like 1996, amirite?
On the friends page, don't the pictures of the guys look a little....um....GAY. The one on the right (aka "The Black One") looks like he is working a runway. Miss J didn't go to Regent, did she?
Hey, her law school has a class none of the others have:
LAW666 - When the Bible Supersedes the Constitution: Ignoring Bad Law By the People and for the People
@homofascist:
I totally agree. When I saw that picture I saw gay gay gay gay GAY!
@yolakayak:
hey, something's gotta cover up the massive pube-fro being held back by those shorts. if there's one thing i've learned about snake chunkers, even the ones who do give it up, it's that they're not really into below-the-waist grooming.
She's 33 and not married, yet religious to the core. Do the math and get back to me.
I hear from an ex-DOJ employee that Monica also went to a law school that only taught 'the Lord's law.' Classes on smiting - I am sure.
My gosh. Her aunt is Michelle Bachmann!
I was going to chide you for belittling Ms. Goodling on such base issues as spelling and grammar. After all, even such that intellectual Leviathan Lamar Alexander makes the occasional error. Then I ran head on into the "togo" and "turben" items and I decided she needed to be let go, you know, um, for...performance reasons.
I enjoy a good Togo party now and then ...
Parents' "innermost parts"? Whatever could she mean?
Goodling writes in her essay: "One grimaces at the thought of society discarding children like a Big Mac wrapper". According to the McDonald's website, "Grimace is a big, loving, fuzzy purple fellow who is . . . sure Ronald [George Bush] is the world's ultimate authority on everything." Looks like Goodling continues to channel Grimace.
Two actual courses offered at God's law school, which is proud to have Monica as an alum.
Gender & the Law: Considers and confronts legal problems regarding current women's issues. Presently, all materials available in this area have been written from a feminist jurisprudential perspective. In contrast, apply a Christian perspective to examine critically the position of women socially, economically, culturally and personally.
Qur'anic Law: A survey of the text of the Arabic Qur'an in English, and the three kinds of commentary on it by Muslims: Islamists, Traditionalists, and Reformists. The students will compare the translation and commentary of three published Qur'ans, respectively those of Hilali & Khan, Abdullah Yusuf Ali, and Maulana Muhammad Ali. Lectures and assignments will seek to understand the Qur'anic basis of these three expressions of Islamic religion, politics, human rights and law, and Christian conceptual strategies to challenge them. Law topics will include the rule of law, an establishment of religion, crime and punishment, and civil law.
Is she wearing a diaper?
"However, if Dan Quayle really was correct, then why would so many women be willing to give birth to a child absent marriage? For many, babies are a ticket to independence, a ticket sponsored by public assistance programs."
Don't let Michelle Bachmann find out. She'll round up another dozen babies just for the additional savings.
@Chicago Bureau: Problem is, if that "togo" party line means anything it all, it's that she's gone black... Thus, can't go back. So, if you're not Afro-American, you're out of lack.
I think some posters have come up with a new category... Monica Goodling is definitely a FILF.
For example, when she was making "Triumph of the Will", Leni Riefenstahl was definitely a FILF. I admit using a time machine to have sex with a person whose politics you find disgusting is poor resource management, but I wanted to define the term without using the f-word that upsets some people so much.
I knew a girl in grad school that went to a Christian high school and listed the Bible as her favorite book on her Facebook profile.
Result - was shaved and gave it up on the first date (actually, first three hours). Horrible lay, though. I guess you can't have it all.
Hey, let's not jump to conclusions about the wild "togo" party. According to Wikipedia, "Togo, officially the Togolese Republic, is a country in West Africa bordering Ghana in the west, Benin in the east and Burkina Faso in the north. In the south, it has a short Gulf of Guinea coast, on which the capital Lomé is located."
Sounds like an awesome place to party. Malaria shots, anyone?
Regent is ranked a "tier four" school by US News & World Report, the lowest score, a tie for 136th place.
I'm no elitist either, but this may explain why folks at DOJ keep saying, "What Bill of Rights?"
Monica Goodling is hot!
@MattyBoyFromPSP: Of course, this could have two meanings: Fundy [or] Fascist I'd Like to [BUZZ! K.J. Lopez Vulgarity Sensor Activated!].
Thus, you would have to read the acronym in context to figure out what is being said. And people on the Internets never read anything in context, but immediately start to flog you.
(Flog, of course, means flame somebody behind his/her back on their own blog. Hence: flog. Hey, I can play too!)
"But it wasn't always fun and games with the boys, as Monica darkly hints at "several kidnapping experiences that are best forgotten."
Funny, but I read Daniel Pearl's wife's homepage and she said the exact same thing.
Plagiarism is not a Christian virtue, Miss Goodling (if that really is your name) and the fact Ms. Pearl does not have a link to football on her website is no excuse.
What
Do we suppose Berto tapped into these scholars in more than a metaphoric way? Hell, she is practically pulling a Sharon Stone in the picture. Maybe, working late one night, she invited Al to "Say 'ello to my leetle frenn!"
There really is nothing like that "free ride" that public assistance gives you.
give me that $12k a year meal ticket baby! I'm going to buy me a place in Malibu!
Work Schmirk! Work's for suckers!
This girl was born with the mental horsepower of a push-mower and now she's been left out in the rain for a decade.
once could ask cheney though, why worry with the clone army when you can round up shitheels like this by the hundreds?
Time perhaps to update the resume. Let's see: Reason for leaving last position ... Crap, this could be harder than I thought.
A dated an evangelical Christian for three months and it was some of the kinkiest sex I ever had. She would only do it in her minivan in places like a condemned drive-in theater and in secluded part of an Indian Casino's parking lot.
If I could have converted her to an agnostic, or hell, any other kind of Christian, we might still be together.
The other notorious graduate of Regent U. Law School (formerly "O.W. Coburn School of Law at Oral Roberts University") is Robert F. McDonnell, Virginia's Attorney General, who lies nestled in the pocket of the NRA. Try to make sense out of this ruling by McDonnell:
http://www.rcfp.org/news/2007/0409-foi-access.html
April 9, 2007 · The Virginia State Police will no longer provide the names and addresses of residents allowed to carry concealed handguns after the attorney general issued an opinion saying release of the information is discretionary.
Attorney General Robert F. McDonnell said any list of individuals permitted to carry concealed handguns might include crime victims and witnesses, and, thus, could be considered exempt from release under Virginia's open records law.
*******
Also:
http://www.pr-inside.com/saf-hails-virginia-attorney-gener...
SAF Hails Virginia Attorney General for Proposed 'Gun Sting' Legislation - 2007-03-28
BELLEVUE, Wash., March 28 /PRNewswire-USNewswire/ -- The Second Amendment Foundation today applauded Virginia Attorney General Robert F. McDonnell for requesting legislation that would outlaw "simulated straw purchases," thus prohibiting the kind of vigilante gun sting operation mounted last year by New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg [against gun dealers selling in bulk to strawmen].
********
McDonnell is nutjob worth keeping on the radar.
Yeah, but the question is ... were these occurances litteral, or interpretary?
Is she saving herself for marriage?
That's the flaming-est group of men I've seen since Justin Timberlake was in town. I can practically hear Ron telling Monica how "fierce" her denim shorts are . . . Man, I love it how oblivious crazy, right-wing homophobes are to the massive gay presence in their lives. I bet Karen Santorum doesn't even know about Rick.
Don't leave out "Heather, my pseudo-twin"
She's a closeted rug muncher!
Can't spell "traumatized" either!
"This is Heather, my pseudo-twin. I always kind of liked having a cousin that was just like a sister, except for when relatives would buy us identical clothes at Christmas... of course, the only reason I cared was that she always got the pink version (girl color), and I always got the blue (boy color). I fear I was emotionally tramatized by the experience. As a kid, Heather was the best birchbeer maker, tent builder, Monopoly player, and camp song writer a person could ask for. Thanks Heather... hope all is well up there in central PA. I'll see you soon."
WTF ! Any self-respecting graduate of Messiah College knows there are two "s" -es in Ascroft. What a turbo.....
@Chicago Bureau:
Personally, Fascist or Fundy works for me; there are so few instances non-Fundy Fascists in this country, it's hardly worth counting them.
Also, I like saying FILF, and so will anyone who tries is a few times. It sounds like an ignorant mispronounciation of filth, which actually makes it even dirtier.
"It is there, in their [the parents'] innermost parts, that the devaluation of their children begins."
So, devaluation begins at conception, huh? I mean, doesn't the child itself begin in its parents' innermost parts?
Umm, sorry, but I'm embarrassed and depressed that such a political/social zero has racked up so much , em, can't say print, I guess, but -- comment? GeeZ Louise, how did such a ditz/twit/Republican pompom/evangelical(however the hell they spell it)/ nobody get so many folks' attention? She looks like an extra for Opie's show-- anyone remember Mayberry? or Dukes of Hazard... 'course no short-short for our little vestal virgin, I guess...
Oh, tiny animated GIFs... where have you gone?
You know you are dealing with someone that used to be made fun of a lot when they are stilling trying to find the perfect senior-year in high school picture in law school.
And what is it with the Bush administration hiring all these non-married, righteous women? Condi, Rachel Paulose, and now Goodling I guess we have to give Condi and Rachel credit, they at least went to real schools.
And what is the deal with her leading her "Friends" page with her former roommate (who lived "with me for longer than anyone else in world")? Especially when she says of her husband "He's pretty great too... of course, we never would have let him have her otherwise!" I think someone needs to get Rachel and Monica together so they can at last admit who their true selves are.
"John AScroft"? Think she needs to address her daddy-come-hither-after-I-don-my-strap-on issues myself.
Ah, to be a young coed with visions of butt-love with pasty overweight Conservative men again. Err, ever. Err, never mind.
Hot? Are you serious? Rachel Paulose I can kind of understand, but Monica? No way.
If you've been following the US attorneys scandal, you know that Monica "Fifth Amendment" Goodling is a precocious key player. If you've been following closely, you know that Goodling is a product of those second-rate evangelical schools where students are groomed for careers in Republican politics.
I hear they have a great Waterboarding team at Mesiah...
Not only Waterboarding 101, but an excellent class in creative firebombing as well.
Enjoy.
I didn't know Monica Goodling was the niece of Michelle Bachmann so I Googled Michelle Bachmann and found out that she was the right-wing nutjob Congressperson from Minnesota who kissed Bush on the SOTUA.
In refreshing this memory I discovered her husband, Marcus Bachmann shares something in common with Monica, they both have degrees from Regent University. Marcus Bachmann got his Master's Degree from Regent University before going on to earn a Ph.D from the Union Graduate School, which is a distance education, online university, based in Ohio.
Interested, I decided to visit the web page of the clinic he has operated for the past 18 years. It is very interesting in a creepy way. I noticed one counselor, Joseph Wm. Hansen, Psy.D, graduated from Biola University, Rosemeade School of Psycology, Ca. When I looked at Biola/Rosemeade's and found the following statement, "Rosemead provides aspiring evangelical psychologists with an expansive integration of psychology and theology from an APA accredited university-based program preparing them to minister within clinical settings, lead in research and teaching within academia, and impact the lives of individuals within the local church and throughout the world."
Hmmm...."aspiring evangelical psychologists." Curious.
Dr. Hansen's personal mission statement reads, ""It is for freedom that Christ set us free." I want to model the love and grace of the Father as I help men and women live in freedom and in truth."
Another one, Kent Brockmann, no relation to the Simpsons' character, says God "allowed me to lead the only Mental Health team to New York City from the Department of Defense after the World Trade Center disaster. He has allowed me to help many people who have graciously expressed their appreciation to me. I do my best to combine my knowledge of psychopharmacology with God leading to provide compassionate and quality care."
Curiouser and Curiouser.
A third, Jon Columbo, gives his qualifications as having a Ph.D from Walden University, another Online University, but then notes in parenthethes that he, "completed all but dissertation, est. completion: 2004-2005." Well it's 2007 now. Shouldn't that read ABD, Clinical Psychology, Walden University?
They do a lot of drug and addictions counseling which means they have a vested interest in maintaing troop levels in the 'War on Drugs' and they do a lot of family therapy which makes me wonder if they are getting any of that "Faith Based" money the White House has been throwing away.
Anyway, the Mission Statements make for fun, if disturbing, reading
http://www.bachmanncounseling.com/counselors.html
I'd highly recommend it.
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