Wonkette

And once again, the hotness-challenged governor of Arizona is denied a magazine cover.

But seriously, Rachel Ray? WTF? Why not GILF Palin?

I guess Palin wasn't willing to show as much cleavage as Ray.

No, no, yes

Here I find myself in the incredibly awkward position of defending Rachel Ray. No, I don't watch her show. Mostly because I knew everything she knows by the time I was 8. Nevertheless:

1. She's never held herself out as a chef.
2. She teaches people how to prepare quick, easy, healthy meals. Given the obesity epidemic in this country and the fact that most people spend half their free time in their cars, her show is badly needed.

The strangest part about the cover is that Newsweek still holds itself out as a news magazine.

Screw all these broads. I was Time's Man of the Year.

Seriously, folks: Rachael Ray is from northern New York. The girls in that neck of the woods are universally and astoundingly fugly. The fact that she got out of there is impressive. The fact that she is not a complete bow-wow is Stanford over USC material. (Or Appalachian State over Michigan, for those of you still smarting after the most recent beatdown.)

Yes, she's an Oprah wannabe (complete with smarmy checkout mag). And she can cook, unlike, oh, .0001% of the population. But get off Rachael Ray. Please and thank you.

Rachael Ray is not busty. She looks like she was bitten by two mosquitoes about six years ago and the swelling just never went down. If you want busty Food Network stars, you need look no further than Giada De Laurentiis or Mario Batali.

The strangest part about the cover is that Newsweek still holds itself out as a news magazine.

PeeJay actually nails it. We were focusing on the boobs, when we forgot that Newsweek is the biggest boob of all. Well played.

The list is dumb, the story is dumb, the cover is incredibly stupid, and this whole piece of manure is incredibly embarrassing for....Newsweek. Newsweek actually published this stinking pile of bile? NOTE TO MAGAZINE EDITORS (EVEN AT THE REALLY BAD ONES) NO....MORE....DUMB.....LISTS. None. Zero. Zilch. The dumb magazine list thing got old about 1978. And another note: Please, no more stories or pictures about this poseur Ray woman. Most people really just don't care.

Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

So, we're redefining "powerful." That's fine. But as long as we're there, I'd like to throw my rack into the ring for next year's cover.

I am powerful: I kill my own spiders and open my own peanut butter jars. That's powerful in some circles.

Not to mention that my Girls make her sweater puppies look line anemic Chihuahuas. I'm just sayin'.

@Godless Liberal: re:Giada De Laurentiis

A goddess among women. Combining food with a Sophia Loren lookalike makes you hungry in every which way.

@Godless Liberal:
I aspire to Nigella greatness.

Not that she's not quite cute, but let's be honest, is RR actually "busty"? In fact, if you look at that cover carefully, you could make a case that the other two (likewise slimmingly black-clad) chicas have got mo' better such credentials. Just say'n...

And what have we learned about how women lead? Is it different from the way men lead? It's an abstruse and complex question of sociological and historical import, and Newsweek gives us this fascinating insight into it: Cate Blanchett will be playing Queen Elizabeth I in a movie coming out Friday! I am filled with wonder at their ability to cut to the core of such a difficult question.

And, in case no one has checked yet, the International issues of Newsweek focus on science. [www.msnbc.msn.com]

Cooking is to science what George Bush is to world leaders, so that seems about right.

@henski1: That woman ruined every last joke I had regarding the terribleness of English food. But since she puts the "Ooh" and "Grr" in "cougar" I can't be mad at her.

"Lessons from the Front"? If that doesn't refer to Iraq or Afghanistan (and from the cover I assume it doesn't), please fire someone.

I think Arianna's hot... No, seriously. She looked amazing the last time she was on the Colbert Report.

Rachel Ray? Meh. Can't stand to look at her. Can't stand to listen to her. Pretty much can't stand her.

@FreshCliches:
Yeah, I don't watch Food Network shows, but Giada's the exception. I'll gawk even if she's making dog food.

@henski1: What are saying? Europeans are TOO damn good for American fluff pieces? They refused to support us in Iraq and now THIS. I'll never eat French toast again.

@sluggo:
Seemingly. And Latin Americans, and Asians - say goodbye to empanadas and sushi!

I really don't understand all this "Rachel Ray is teh hot" nonsense I am reading. Rachel Ray is a pig. Petite women should look like scaled down versions of real women, not squashed funhouse mirror versions of real women. Ray has a stubby torso and strange shoulders and arms like some kind of Food Network Oompa Loompa.

I've always thought Oompa-Loompas kinda had something.

I have nothing against Rachem Ray except that I must admit...every time I hear "EVOO", I get the desire to beat passersby with a cricket bat.

@Godless Liberal: Emeril Lagassi is also no slouch in the busty department. A bit saggy, maybe, but no slouch.

Once again, Rachel Ray's goddamn DSL (dick-sucking-lips) are plastered all over a magazine. Rachel Ray's a joke to microwaves everywhere and her raspy smoker's voice is enough to terrify children from even thinking about entering a kitchen. Rachel Ray is indeed a pig. She used to be an alternate Miss Piggy on the Muppet Show before plastic surgery and time travel.

I'll start watching cooking shows only when Food Network picks up the "Passion Food" show, with Penelope Cruz cooking Brazilian food.

Are those photos scaled properly to each other?

@JamieSommers: Two thumbs up from a former Alaskan. Of course, Palin looks really good compared with Hickel, Sheffield, et. al. But, dig this: she sends lots of state money to her home town. [www.adn.com]
Makes the congressional delegation look...ok, face it, the delegation is still a bunch of crooks.

@BScheetz: Dear Gawker--someone is crosslisting from Jezebel again.

Why do people love Giada so much? Her head is so enormous even Barry Bonds is like "Jesus Christ, that bitch has a gigantic fucking head! (Gobbles stanozolol)" Nigella takes the cake in the cooking women department. Also, Newsweek is never to be paid attention to ever, save for the odd hilarious cover photo. Then, maybe, yeah.

I see that Rachel Ray is part Cajun, part Sicilian. This presumably means she sleeps with the blackened fishes, rimshot.

@Ewalda:

Cooking on Top ?

...wow. That cover is truly horrific... Like we need to see Rachael Ray's Gaping Chipmunk Maw 50x bigger than everything else? (shudder)

... and is Shirley Franklin trying to cop a feel, or readying herself for a 2-finger gyno exam of Ray's 50-ft pussy?

Is it my imagination, or are both Time and Newsweek now having their covers done by a high school kid with a kracked copy of Photoshop?

The cartoon Rachael Ray wanted too much money, so Newsweek had to settle for the real one.

I'll stick with my Ina Garten, put-two-sticks-of-butter-in-every-recipe-and-get-fat cooking, thank you very much.

@PissantKant: Giada looks fine here:

Yum-O!

Oh, to be that eggplant . . .

Didn't Rae Rae's husband have a little hooker problem recently? I am trying to remember and am too lazy to google it. I sure whoever can recite it here will give a much more entertaining version.

@natoslug: Thanks for proving PissantKant's point. Her head is ginormous. Must be why she got the implants.

@natoslug: Oh, to be those implants.

Help me out here: is Shirley Franklin the mom from The Partridge Family, the mom from One Day at a Time or the mom from As Good as it Gets?

@homofascist:

He did, and it was precisely a "little" problem. He was revealed to have a spitting fetish as he paid professional women to spit on him. Extra points and dollars for the ones who could spatter all over his face.

And with spitting I mean just that... spitting. IE ejecting saliva from one's mouth to hit a target.

Nothing interesting like diapers or having a wide stance... Rachel Ray can't even contend with Wendy Vitter.

when i go to the supermarket, i turn all the Triscuit boxes around so i don't have to look at Old Chipmunk Cheeks. she's not a cook, but she's really good at opening cans. the idea that she sells t-shirts emblazoned with 'Yum-O!' makes me retch.

i imagine some poor teacher asking little Rachel Ray what she wanted to be when she grew up, only to have the little snit perkily snap back, 'a marketing juggernaut!'

Oh, fuck all. I'll jump in late.

RR: wtf? She's.... Average at best. Mostly below.

Giada? Ok, she's hot, but she's a lousy cook.

Too much science? Fuck you. Alton Brown owns the day.

Man tits? I don't even want to think about that.

what's with all this vitriol over harmless little rachel ray.
you enjoy "BAM!" more?
ina is the best. she has the balls to use that much butter and be so fat! love her. and that gigantic guy with the ponytail who drools.
never trust a skinny cook i say.

@henski1: "Not to mention that my Girls make her sweater puppies look line anemic Chihuahuas."

i'm witholding judgement until i see them.

I WONDER WHICH ONE OF THESE LADIES HAS THE BEST PUSSY!?

I guess it was just a coincidence that Jenna B. was on Rachael's show this morning.

Rachel Ray cooks like a GENIUS compared with, oh, say, Sandra Lee. RR never held herself up as a chef: but her recipes are OK, her knife skills are pretty good, and she's actually trying to cook, not drink horrible booze concoctions (a Beer Bloody Mary, anyone?) and put together "tablescapes."

I miss the Two Fat Ladies, with such recipes as "Deep Fried Butter and Whole Cream Baconwiches." And one would chain-smoke while making the recipe.

Sadly, she's also the dead one.

@Complexnegro: Not all that complex, I'd say.

Dangerousliberal:

I am multifaceted!