Another Wednesday, another spelunking expedition into the deep, dark, craggy psyche of your Congressional staff. This week: less gay than usual. Our Anonymous Hill Staffer has heard your complaints that when it comes to alternative lifestyles, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about, so he’s sticking to his areas of expertise: drinking, chicks, and sneaking into things.

After the jump, your questions are answered. Unless they’re dumb.

Does everyone on the Hill need to be laid as much as you do?

Yes. The Hill is a terribly under-sexed place to work. It’s kind of like 6th grade again… everybody wants to screw everybody else, but they’re afraid to. You’ve got a bunch of horny staffers dancing with eight inches of air between them. Instead, they just resort to screwing each other in figurative ways. Republicans have the House now, and they’re always screwing Democrats over on energy (Clinton’s fault!), health care (Clinton’s fault!), and terrorism (Clinton’s fault!). They’re just all sexually frustrated. If they all just got over it and started screwing each other instead, the world would be a kinder, gentler place. Think about Clinton’s Presidency vs. Bush’s Presidency: Clinton got laid all the time, the economy boomed, and we didn’t go to war for 8 years. Bush goes to bed at 10, and even Laura has said she’s not getting satisfied in the private quarters of the White House. Economy in the **** ter, fighting two wars… the correlation is obvious. Now in Congress, things would be a lot better too if we could all just get laid. Don’t do it for me, do it for your country. Why do you hate America, Congressional staffers?

What’s the best way to sneak into Senate-side receptions sans invite?

This is actually really easy. Just throw on a suit and head over. Generally, anybody who looks like they belong at a Congressional reception can get in. When you get to the reception, just say “oh, I’m sorry, I forgot to RSVP.” You will usually have to come up with a fake name and employer though for the name tag. This is a great chance to be ironic: say your name is Scott McClellan and you work for Senator Leahy. Usually these people are too stupid to know the difference… if they say anything, just say “funny coincidence, isn’t it?” For an air of authenticity, you could also go to various Senate and House offices and ask for business cards. Just walk into a random Congressional office, say “who is your agriculture L.A.,” and ask for their business card. Then, when you go to the National Pork Producers reception, drop that card off at the door. Voila. If neither of these methods works, just try using a common name. I had an Asian intern once with a really common Asian last name… he would just go to receptions, drop his name, and 99 times out of 100 someone by that name had already RSVP’d. You’ll be living the high life of Congressional receptions in no time!

What’s the best place in D.C. to meet cute guys who aren’t drunk? (Note: this question submitted by a girl!)

Right now I’m trying to come up with a list of places I haven’t been drunk in DC, and it’s proving to be really difficult. I was going to say the Mall or the National Archives but… yeah, I’ve been pretty wasted in both places. **** . What about the zoo? No… damn. If I go to a party function, I’m definitely going to be pretty drunk in order to get through it. I haven’t tried AA, but maybe you should consider it? You might also want to consider going to the Church of Scientology in DuPont, I think they’re pretty sober. It’s too bad for you, because this town is pretty drunk on the whole. I guess if you come by my office before noon, I’m probably sober. Your chances of meeting sober guys are definitely going to be higher during the day… I’m going to go have to make a sober friend and get back to you on this one!

What do you think of the whole Martin Random thing? Is this guy for real or what?

I’m no Bush Administration fan, but if you believe this **** , then I have a million dollars for you in an African bank that a benevolent diamond miner left me. All I need is your bank account to get the money back to the U.S. This rant has the grammar and sentence structure of a 6th grader. Although I do like the part about Cheney swallowing, that’s a nice touch. I mean, the guy prefaces the whole thing by saying he’s not going to be corroborating any of these fantastic claims with any sort of evidence whatsoever. Why would you believe this guy’s wild-assed claims about the government when he refuses to provide any proof and will only write them under the condition of anonymity? You’ve got to be careful about what you read on the Internet these days, buddy.

Do you think Nancy Pelosi has what it takes to take back the House? If not her then who?

I won’t claim to be an expert on this, but in my opinion, Nancy Pelosi doesn’t have what it takes to get the House back for the Democrats. She’s a little too crazy, and she doesn’t have the balls to keep the Democrats in line — when a Republican voted against their party, DeLay would strip them of their committee assignments and then rip their balls off. When a Democrat votes against the party, Nancy slaps them on the wrist. No, we need someone who’s going to crack the whip… someone like Rules Committee Ranking Member Louise “Sergeant” Slaughter. You might remember Sgt. Slaughter before his (her?) gender reassignment surgery from his (her?) involvement with G.I. Joe and the WWF. **** , the WWF doesn’t even exist anymore does it? That’s how old school Sarge is. A Democrat votes against the party? “When I’m through, scuzzbucket, they’re gonna scrape you off the walls with a squeegee!” as Slaughter would say. Not only that, he (she?) would get the caucus in lockstep the way the Republicans were under DeLay. “My job is to whip you into shape, and I mean whip! There’s only two ways out of my command, on your feet like a man, or in a ditty bag. An itty-bitty ditty bag! GOT IT?” Yeah, Sergeant Slaughter, I got it. Democrats are going to take back the House in 06… and I mean TAKE it back.

Got a question? Ask us.

Yes, we know all about the purported White House gossip posted over at Something Awful (and picked up by Daily Kos, among other places). We’ve known about if for a while now, but we’ve been holding off on doing anything with it because we can’t tell how much of it is factual and how much of it is satirical or apocryphal. Here at Wonkette, we’re all about factual accuracy.

But since so many of you have emailed us about it, we’ll blog about it, just to stem the flow of messages. In case you’re not familiar with it, Something Awful is a comedic community website, with a huge and intensely loyal message board community. Last week, a community member called “Martin Random” posted a long thread of what he called “Secrets from Inside the White House.”

Excerpts from the lengthy thread, accompanied by our comments, appear after the jump.

Okay, we offer you this gossip with all the usual caveats. As noted over at Daily Kos, “one should always take almost unverifiable content from the internet with a grain of salt — especially from this comedy website.” We also forwarded the thread to a source who used to work in the White House, who declared it to be “lunacy” (except for the stuff about Condoleezza Rice).

Enough with the disclaimers and caveats. Let’s get started, shall we? Here’s what “Martin Random” has to say:

I was going to post this in the “Expose the big lie” thread but after I wrote it I thought it was interesting enough to merit a thread of its own. This is all good information, personally verified or witnessed by none other than me, but I will not answer any questions about it or go into any detail other than what I’ve already typed out. I may reply with more information or anecdotes if I see fit, but I’ve pretty much already scraped the barrel of my experiences.

These are some facts I have witnessed and learned through my employment. Take it at face value, believe it or don’t believe it, because I’m not providing corroborating pictures, details, or evidence beyond my own testimony.

Homeland security buys in bulk and at great premium millions of dollars of useless personal appliances from China, such as rice cookers, nose hair trimmers, massage wands, and heating pads, boxes them up, and buries them in railroad shipping containers in the Arizona desert for no reason whatsoever other than to spend its budget and prevent sub-agencies from getting the funds. I suspect that the money goes to a middleman in order to secretly siphon funds into foreign organizations which we can’t support over the table, but this is just me trying to find a justification for this massive and intentional government waste.

So DHS wastes lots and lots of money — tell us something we don’t already know!

Donald Rumsfeld needs to wear iced underwear because of some medical condition, and he has his secret service detail hold his spares. He was recently getting uncontrollable long-term erections and had to change up his medical treatments. The underwear and the erections is why he uses a standing desk, not because he is some super-man. He also wears nylon stockings, not because he’s gay, but to control some vascular problem with his legs which causes him intense pain.

This seems pretty dubious to us. But hey, ice in his underpants might explain why he gets so testy at those Pentagon briefings.

President Bush uses anti-depressant medication, a lot of it, at a stupendous dosage, and he is hiding it from the American public. This is the real reason he stopped drinking. Because of the dosage, he is also impotent.

Hmm, interesting. We enjoy speculating about presidential substance abuse too. Don’t know about the impotence, though; Laura Bush has a real glow about here these days. (Maybe it’s just that new personal trainer of hers.)

Tom Ridge carries 20 credit cards with him at all times, each one with a very low limit. I have never heard of him using one, ever, but he has them. He also wears his socks inside-out, and will flip the **** out and walk strangely if he is forced to wear them properly, because it drives him crazy. All of his socks must be laundered right side in and then turned inside out before they are returned to him.

He gave specific instructions about handling his food, and not allowing his vegetables to touch any other food item on the plate. His utensils must be steamed over boiling water. He will not eat soup which hasn’t been boiled within the past 20 minutes or which he has not prepared himself. If any of these rules are violated, he flies into a rage, turns beet red, and will not eat a single thing. He has his personal attendants confirm over and over that the food is as he likes it.

He also shaves his forearms and hands because he can’t stand the idea of body hair on his arms. He demands that his bedsheets are bleach white and changed fresh every night and he sleeps in a separate bed in a big, tight, body-length nylon sleeve, with a fan blowing over him at full power. He is terrified of animals which have fur or hair longer than one inch, and will not go near curly hair of any kind, even on people. At one time he ran from his office and demanded that someone look under everything for a rodent which did not and could not exist, then he had the entire place wiped down with disinfectant and vacuumed twice. While this was done he couldn’t even bear to look at the door, or come within 20 feet of his office. He was in hysterics.

It’s never good to hear that the former Homeland Security chief is a paranoid nut job. What does he know that we don’t?

President Bush, when dining at the white-house, does not eat any item of food which has not been first sniffed by a trained dog before being prepared. Think about that.

Word among the staff is that Cheney was drunk when he shot that lawyer, and secluded himself for a day to sober up and avoid felony firearms charges. I don’t have any direct information on this because the guys with him at the time are not talking. This is totally unconfirmed, but I think it is plausible.

This is all pretty familiar territory — nothing that we haven’t heard before. Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not, who knows…

Dick Cheney has chronic gum problems and his breath smells like **** as a result. He is also a CLOSE TALKER. He keeps a small bottle of diluted hydrogen peroxide which he rinses with every hour on the hour, and he swallows it instead of spitting. He also picks his nose vigorously (violently) and hums loudly and tunelessly to himself while taking **** s.

Now this is something that we can believe. Remember the interview he gave to Brit Hume after accidentally shooting Harry Whittington? Very close-talker-ish.

There is a sealed room in the whitehouse which once held a half-ton block of cheese for about 30 years.

The White house is planting its own men among the press agents at press conferences.

Like Jeff Gannon? Or that supposedly “Indian” journalist, the one who always jumps in with some softball about India-U.S. relations, just as Scotty is getting ripped a new one over Plamegate?

The white house lawn is mowed every other day by the same man humming the same tune.

Yeah, and he’s an illegal immigrant. That’s why the White House is pushing so hard for this “guest worker” program.

Despite all of this craziness, there is nothing strange whatsoever about Condoleeza Rice. She is completely balanced and normal, if slightly robotic in her personal demeanor. She smells very nice at all times. She does, however, constantly check her investments online from her office when she thinks that nobody is looking, and she has slept at her desk on multiple occasions.

Finally, something we can believe in without reservation. We have heard, from people who have worked with her, that Condi is actually pretty normal. Hearing that she sometimes naps at her desk is reassuring to us. It shows that, despite being Secretary of State, a fitness fanatic, and an accomplished classical musician, she is actually human.

There is an administrative law judge who sits in an office in a building near the white-house, earns around 200k per year and has a secretary, and he does nothing except sit, read, and listen to classical music all day. His secretary likewise does nothing. He gets meals taken to him from the White-house kitchen, and is so lonely that he latches on to whoever gets sent and talks to them for hours about the korean war. His family is all dead and his secretary hates him. In a drawer in his desk he has an old revolver, which he got in there somehow despite that he shouldn’t have been able to bring it in. I think he will shoot himself one day.

The “undisclosed location” is usually a local police officer training ground or state trooper college. Shh.

An ALJ who earns a six-figure salary and does absolutely nothing? Make that two things we can believe in wholeheartedly from this thread.

And that, boys and girls, is Wonkette’s take on the White House gossip from Something Awful. Y’all can stop emailing it to us now. Thanks!

Secrets from Inside the White House [Something Awful]
Someone May Be Spilling the Beans at the White House [Daily Kos]