A Weakness For Stupid Puns is Our Cross to Bear

It’s Friday, we’re posting pictures of a guy in a bear suit.
Says the tipster who sent it in: “here in TN i can guarantee you that the voters are BEARLY paying attention to this controversy.”

We kind of love and hate everything about this story (and its attendant puns) at the same time. We also feel this this quote merits reprinting:

Bryson spokesman Lance Frizell said the campaign is not directly involved in coordinating the bear’s activities.

“But I think the bear makes some valid points,” he said.

Earlier: Tennessee Dems Loaded for Bear

READ MORE: animals, bears, friday, human-animal hybrids, manimal, stunts, tennessee

Sacrifice Essential Liberties and SAVE!

Accountability’s the name of the game here at Wonkette. That’s why we were so excited to learn about the President’s Management Agenda, in which government employees are obligated to prove that their programs are worth their cost to taxpayers. It comes, as all good Agendas do, with a handy website: expectmore.gov, wherein you can find the whole list of programs that ought to be “eliminated and/or trimmed back.” First Draft did the necessary research (we have a policy against visiting government websites that aren’t intended for children or that don’t feature human-animal hybrids) and found a fun sampling of the government programs we can clearly do without. Some unnecessary wastes of your hard-earned cash include:

• Dept of Homeland Security Border Patrol
• Dept of Homeland Security Science and Technology: Threat and Vulnerability, Testing and Assessment
• Dept of Homeland Security Transportation Security Administration: Air Cargo Security Programs
• Dept of Homeland Security Transportation Security Administration: Baggage Screening Technology
• Dept of Homeland Security Transportation Security Administration: Federal Air Marshal Service
• Dept of Homeland Security Transportation Security Administration: Passenger Screening Technology

Dead weight! Get rid of it! And while we’re at it, heads oughtta roll at another agency that made the shitlist: the State Department’s Public Diplomacy program. Headed by Karen Hughes, who, we’re totally 100% confident, will be cleaning out her desk by the end of the day.

Bush Says: Fire Karen Hughes! [first draft]

READ MORE: budget, bush, government websites, homeland security, human animal hybrids, karen hughes, manimal

Remainders: Be Alert, Stay Alive

• Current Human-Animal Hybrid alert level: Elevated. [jesseberney.com]
• As soon as they sold out to the Post, we knew they’d sell out to the NSA (who, it seems, also have a kids page — have any government officials ever met a child?). [Washingtonian]
• The Department of Justice is addicted to oil. Also, they got the day off. [DCist]
• “Wolf and Jack” sounds like some sort of biracial late-’60s buddy movie, right? [FishbowlDC]

READ MORE: CNN, addicted to oil, doj, human animal hybrids, manimal, nsa, wolf and jack

For The Love of God, Someone Call Bill Frist

Michael Chertoff knows that children are our future. That why he wants to scare the shit out of them with the Department of Homeland Security’s new just-fer-kidz preparedness campaign “Ready Kids” (cute font, etc.).

Curious about how we, too, could be Ready Kids, we checked out the newly launched web site — tragically, we weren’t ready, kids, for what we found there.

PEOPLE OF WASHINGTON — THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY HAS BEEN INFILTRATED BY HUMAN-ANIMAL HYBRIDS. ABANDON YOUR HOME OR PLACE OF WORK AND FLEE.

For a Preparedness Teaching Gig, Chertoff Hires This Cat With 9 Lives [WP]
Ready Kids [DHS]

READ MORE: cat people, department of homeland security, dhs, human animal hybrids, manimal, preparedness, terrifying visions of a future we could have prevented

I Don’t Think Hank Done It This Way

The President visited the Grand Ole Opry yesterday to follow up on some of points made in Tuesday’s speech (we’d like to you know that we handily beat a small child in a footrace just this afternoon as our contribution to the new Competitiveness Initiative). His impromptu remarks took a bit of an unfortunate turn, though:

“I’m proud to be traveling with your two United States Senators, the Majority Leader of the United States Senate, Bill Frist. (Applause.) He’s a good man. He’s a good guy to deal with, he is doing a fantastic job of herding cats. (Laughter.)” [Emphasis ours, natch]

Yes, he herds them right into the vivisection chamber.

Though this does explain the close working relationship between these two — Bush has realized that Frist, with his cat-slaughtering acumen, may be our last, best hope against the Cat People.

The President Speaks in Nashville [Nashville Is Talking]
Frist Asked to Atone for Killing Cats [UPI]

READ MORE: bill frist, cat people, grand ole opry, human animal hybrids, manimal, sotu, unfortunate metaphors

Alito Just Grateful No One Noticed He Was Only Wearing His Robe

Cindy Sheehan pops it like its hot

The Capitol has never really seemed like much of a t-shirt place to us, so we weren’t particularly surprised when noted America-hater Cindy Sheehan and Helen Lovejoy-esque Professional Wife Beverly Young were both kicked out the State of the Union. Of course, the polite thing to do would’ve been for the concierge to invite them to take one of the jackets left behind at the coat check, but instead they just tossed Sheehan in jail and made Young cry. For the Hill Police, Supporting our Troops is only marginally less controversial than asking how many many more must die — we can sorta see their point, actually, but it led us to wondering what other t-shirts could get one kicked out of a classy State function.

We’ve consulted with Capitol Police Chief Terrance W. Gainer, and here’s what he had to say:

• “This one’s a bit of a gray area. If you’re sitting next to an elected official or a member of the cabinet, it will probably be considered a “protest,” and you’ll be escorted out. If you’re seated next to a wounded battle-hardened soldier, you will be allowed to watch the speech, but will receive a strongly-worded letter from the Joint Chiefs of Staff.”
• “I think the President was actually wearing this under his suit on Tuesday night. Part of the new Competition Initiative.”
• “Yeah, that one’ll get you in trouble. Very specific orders from very high up on that one.”
• “I don’t see a problem with this one.”

The Capitol’s Tempest In a T-Shirt [WP]

READ MORE: cindy sheehan, crime, human animal hybrids, manimal, sotu, t-shirts

18 Hours Later, the SOTU T-Shirt

This is why we love the internet.

humananimalhybrid.net

READ MORE: human animal hybrids, manimal, sotu, t-shirts

Coded Messages to Bush’s Base in Last Night’s State of the Union Address

If you’re reading this, you’re probably not a member of the Christian Right. So we thought we’d help you catch up on a couple things you missed. Don’t blame yourself if you didn’t catch these — the coded language of the moral majority grows more complex every year.

In a system of two parties, two chambers and two elected branches, there will always be differences and debate.

Means: This is why Gay Marriage doesn’t work.

In a complex and challenging time, the road of isolationism and protectionism may seem broad and inviting, yet it ends in danger and decline.

Means: You have my permission to kill abortion doctors.

At the start of 2006, more than half the people of our world live in democratic nations. And we do not forget the other half — in places like Syria and Burma, Zimbabwe, North Korea and Iran — because the demands of justice and the peace of this world require their freedom as well.

Means: I am not sure how to pronounce “Myanmar.”

So we’re seeing some old temptations return. Protectionists want to escape competition, pretending that we can keep our high standard of living while walling off our economy.

Means: Protectionism = birth control. Our economy = our nation’s supply of fertile teenage wombs.

Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms; creating or implanting embryos for experiments; creating human-animal hybrids;

Means: Even now, I am keeping you, the true believers, safe from a vast army of Mole People living deep beneath the surface of the Earth.

President Bush’s State of the Union Address [WP]

READ MORE: bush, christian right, coded messages, fertile teenage wombs, gay marriage, human-animal hybrids, manimal, mole people, pandering to the base, sotu

We’re Pretty Sure He Declared War On Burma and No One Noticed

Seriously, shouldn’t the Democratic Response have been Governor Kaine just saying, “WTF, Mr. President?”

READ MORE: burma, bush, human-animal hybrids, manimal, sotu, wtf