Why We Were Fired From the KidsPost Staff

KidsPost answers kids’ questions on the Bird Flu:

What happens if the virus starts spreading among people, including here?

If the virus changes so that it can pass easily from person to person, through a sneeze or from germs left on a doorknob, your daily routine might change for a while. You would avoid crowded places such as movie theaters and grocery stores, and you might wear a doctor’s face mask in public. Some schools might close and offer classes over the Internet so that children could learn at home. People would be told to wash their hands often — and that’s a good idea anyway! This could last a few months, until the outbreak slows down.

The “unclean,” who may include some of your friends and members of your family, will be relocated to “Happy Camps,” guarded by pointy metal wire and friendly G.I. Joes. 30-40% of your classmates will be sent to live on farms, where they will get to run around all day in the fresh air. That doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Mr. Policeman will be become Mr. National Guard and Mr. Secret Police. You may notice school buses, ice cream trucks, and cars being replaced by tanks and armored personnel carriers — they, too, will be your friends, but you probably shouldn’t approach them directly or interfere in their work, which may involve putting your loved ones out of their misery. Within a week, your neighborhood will resemble a desolate ghost town, with shuttered homes and storefronts lining the fetid, corpse-laden streets. The hellish perfume of rotting flesh will fill the air, and the sweet embrace of the afterlife will come quickly only to those willing to take matters into their own hands. Your parents will realize that you only slow down their escape, and though they will regret their abandonment of you to their dying day, they will know, at heart, that we are still ruled not by notions of civilization, but by the biological imperative of survival. All symbols of your past, carefree life will become bitterly ironic reminders of your foolish naivety. You will no longer fear Hell. The living will envy the dead.

When will this happen?

Right after the killer bees and the SARS get you.

Cause for Concern? [WP]
Related: Wonkette Coverage of KidsPost

READ MORE: bird flu, death, fear, kids, kidspost, washington post

This Sure Wouldn’t Fly in KidsPost

Check out this “politics quiz” in the Post:

Corporate-Casual sums it up perfectly.

We would just add: “C’mon, Posties, no one would fall for answer (b). Everyone knows that’s Barney Frank’s slogan!”

Washington Post. Washington Nasty. [corporate casual]

Earlier: A Fun Riddle from KidsPost

READ MORE: barney frank, kidspost, penis jokes, richard nixon, screw-ups, washington post

A Fun Riddle from KidsPost

We have previously professed our admiration for KidsPost, the Washington Post’s page for children, and we are regular readers. We recently came across this little riddle on the page:

We guessed “Ted Kennedy.” But apparently the correct answer is “the Great Sphinx.”

Yeah, we know, we just made fun of Teddy’s son Patrick. But attacking the Kennedys is like eating Lay’s potato chips: “Betcha can’t mock just one.”

P.S. We love how KidsPost continues to avoid referring to the Vice President as “Dick” Cheney. In the second item on the page, about Cheney throwing out the first pitch on Tuesday, they refer to him as “Richard B. Cheney.” When was the last time anyone referred to him as Richard B. Cheney?

What Is 4,500 Years Old and Looks Like a Lion? [WP]

Earlier: Three Cheers for KidsPost

READ MORE: kidspost, old people, ted kennedy, washington post

Three Cheers for KidsPost

In trying to explain why it took him so long to inform the public about his shooting of Harry Whittington, Dick Cheney has offered the excuse that the story was “complicated.” While taking last week’s newspapers to the recycling bin today, we came across this discussion of the Cheney shooting incident in KidsPost, the Washington Post’s page for children:

Imagine this: You’re playing baseball with your brother when you accidentally hit him in the eye with the ball. You go inside, and the sitter gets ice for your brother’s eye. Your mom is at work, but you don’t call to tell her. Maybe that’s because you are worried about your brother, or maybe you don’t think it’s a big deal, or maybe you know you might be in trouble, even though you didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

If you can imagine that situation, you might be able to imagine the kind of week that Vice President Richard Cheney has had.

See, Mr. Vice President — the story wasn’t that complicated! The KidsPost explanation is nearly perfect. The only thing we’d do differently is refer to Cheney as “Dick” (but we can understand why the family-friendly KidsPost decided not to).

We sure like this KidsPost thing. It’s more fun to read than The Note, more coherent than Robin Givhan. What more could you ask for?

Today’s News: The Vice President’s Hunting Accident [KidsPost/WP]

READ MORE: dick cheney, hunting accidents, kidspost, robin givhan, the note, washington post