So What’s Really Bothering Justice Stevens? Wonkette Contest Results, Part 1

Last week, we announced a Wonkette reader contest, based on the rumor that Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens was recently overheard exclaiming, “I can’t put up with this shit anymore!” After some of you objected to our speculative theory that his comment might have been retirement-related, we asked you to submit proposed responses to this question:

If Justice Stevens uttered the words “I can’t put up with this shit anymore,” but wasn’t expressing frustration with the rightward drift of the Court, what on earth was he actually talking about?

Thanks for all the great responses! We received dozens of entries, and we enjoyed reading them — or most of them, anyway.

A prefatory comment about our methodology. Right off the bat, we removed from consideration all scatological responses. Although Wonkette obviously has no aversion to the scatological — check out our site placement in this Google search — we viewed the literal “shit” joke as just too easy. So if you submitted a response about Justice Stevens stepping in canine fecal matter, complaining about colostomy bags or adult diapers, or bitching about other justices not flushing the toilet in “the little justices’ room,” sorry — it didn’t make the cut.

We winnowed the entries down to ten finalists. After the jump, eight responses that we enjoyed; later in the day, the runner-up and the winner.

We’ve done some rough grouping of the responses. Here they are:

The Lowbrow

• “I am so happy that Sandy O retired. Her and Ruth BG kept trapping me behind my desk and asking me to show them what I wear under my robe! I was close to breaking — I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”
  —Anonymous

• “This Roberts kid keeps flipping up the back of my robe and shouting ‘Show me your briefs.’ I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”
  —Darby Lyons

The Middlebrow

• Justice Stevens, gazing at a quivering corpse: “That’s the fourth clerk/food taster I’ve hired since Ann Coulter started sending me snacks. I can’t take this shit anymore!”
  —“dthardy”

• “If I have to see Ryan and Marissa get into another fight over some guy, or if Seth lies to Summer again, I’m going put a warrant out on Josh Schwartz! I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”
  —Alex Harisiadis

These next two entries are so similar, we felt we couldn’t include one without the other; but we counted them as one for purposes of selecting ten finalists.

• “First Family Guy and now Arrested Development. When will Fox learn!? I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”
  —Adam Raymond

• “Fox is cancelling Arrested Development, while Nanny 911 remains? I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”
  —Anonymous

The Quasi-Highbrow/Highbrow

• From the left: “Why do we pay Clarence Thomas a salary? Can’t we just multiply any Antonin Scalia vote by two and save the taxpayers some cheddar? It’s not like he ever says anything, anyway. I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”
  —Ron Mwangaguhunga

• From the right: “Congress keeps passing one law after another, as if we can’t make good laws right here in the Supreme Court. I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”
  —Andrew of ConfirmThem

• From the well-informed: “Don’t join the cert pool, Brennan told me, you just have to look at the contents. Don’t join the cert pool, White told me, you just grit your teeth and do it. Don’t join the cert pool, Powell told me, it’s not polite to foist visitors off on your servants. I can’t put up with this shit anymore!
  —Roger Friedman

And the fun’s not over yet, kids. Check in later today for the runner-up and the winner!

Earlier: A Wonkette Reader Contest: So What’s Really Bothering Justice Stevens?
Breaking: Justice Stevens “Can’t Put Up With This Shit Anymore”!

READ MORE: John Paul Stevens, contests, reader tips, retirements, supreme court, unverified rumors