A Bleg for Mr. Abramoff

This weekend, we received a plaintive email from a dear friend of ours, which we’ve excerpted, below:

Subject: Confidential and Urgent Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2006 20:00:40 –0500
From: Jack Abramoff My dear friend,

I am saddened and embarrassed to have to write to you under these circumstances and hope that you will forgive my not calling, as unfortunately the matter is urgent, and (as you will see) I must reach out to as many friends as possible very quickly. I realize that, in some cases, I have not been in touch for a long time, and hope that you will also forgive me for that, but life has been rather different for us during the past few years.

As you may have seen in the recent press accounts, the judge on my case in Florida has denied the motion of the government and my attorneys to have my sentencing delayed until after I have completed my cooperation with the government. Since that period may take a few years, the judge did not want to leave the matter hanging and set March 29, 2006 as the date of sentencing.

While the judge is unlikely to incarcerate me while I am still cooperating, the sentence he imposes will have a direct bearing on a possible more sympathetic re-sentencing when my cooperation has ended.

My attorneys have advised me to seek help from friends in the form of letters to the judge on my behalf.

Abramoff goes on to describe that the letters of support will be helpful to counteract the “harsh media caricature” that has “plagued” him, and he beseeches his friends to provide missives that are as heartfelt as possible: “The passion and compelling narrative of your letter could very well help determine how long I will be kept away from my family.”

Well, if there’s one thing all of us here at Wonkette strive to do, it’s to keep families together. Our passionate and compelling narrative follows the jump:

Dear Judge Huck:

Greetings. We are Wonkette. I’m not sure if you are familiar with our work, but we are a DC-based political satire blog chiefly concerned with the following issues:

1. Sodomy

2. Baby panda bears

3. The points at which 1 and 2 intersect. Especially where the political reporters from ABC news are concerned

A great man once said that some men are born Abramoff, some men achieve Abramoffitude, and still others have Abramoff thrust upon them, usually by force. At Wonkette, we desperately attempt to meet the emerging needs of all three groups. There can be no doubt that without the help of Mr. Abramoff, we would be a sad collective of drug-addled welfare cheats.

Let me try to describe a typical day for us. We wake up each morning with the effluvia of the previous evenings’ episode of chemical dependency sloshing around our skull like a poisonous egg yolk. Fumblingly, we wet a warm towel for our forehead, feed the cat, and then dissovle two tablets of Adderall into our morning coffee. Then, we stumble into our living room and hope against hope that someone out there in the wide world has emailed us with the news that someone left the Palm with their fly down, or that Joe Lieberman has kissed somebody, or that Scott McClellan has finally broken down completely and has begun serenading the press corps with selections from Flower Drum Song.

Clearly, we are sad and misanthropic fuckstains. Yet, there are times when we feel this is all worth it, and one of those times is when we get to write about the adventures of Mr. Abramoff.

We cannot thank you enough for allowing Mr. Abramoff the opportunity to roll over on all the people he’s going to roll over on, which we hope, frankly, is everybody. We’ve basically pencilled in Abramoff coverage throughout the coming year. The content that he is personally responsible for generating, coupled with his future potential, raises some enormous possibilities for us: it’s easy to write, it saves us time, it keeps us from having to make shit up out of whole cloth, and ultimately, we can see a future in which we have the time and the self-respect to reconnect and reconcile with our own families, from which we have been largely disowned.

For this reason, we hope that you can find it in your heart to show Mr. Abramoff some leniency, even if it turns out he hasn’t learned a thing from his ordeal. We greatly doubt he has, for what it’s worth. But, at the end of the day, it can be said that everytime we write about Abramoff, it is one less time we are writing about some blowjob. And doesn’t that mean that in some small way, Jack has elevated us all?

If not, feed him to the pandas.

Love,

Wonkette

READ MORE: abramoffukah, jack abramoff, pandas, self-loathing