Wonkette

In just a few hours, the failed pilot and famous celebrity Maverick John McCain will join scary educated Hawaiian Barack Obama for a “town hall” debate, which means extremely regular-looking people who successfully pretend to be “independent” will hog the mic all night with their lame personal stories, and McCain will go “heh heh heh” a lot, and Barack will shake his head in that way, with dignity, and promise to seize McCain’s $100 Million Personal Fortune and redistribute it, to the people at the Town Hall. MORE »

Once upon a time there was a congressman named John Boehner, and everybody made fun of him because his name looked like “boner.” And then day somebody sent one of his local offices a Mysterious Package, which was leaking an Oily Substance, and everybody panicked because of the Terrorists. But! Turns out it was just bacon in the package: the sly prankster’s symbol for pork-barrel spending, or maybe how John Boner’s “package” is always “leaking oily substances.” [WLWT Cincinnati]

Shortly after this photograph was taken, the gentleman on the right was offered the Republican nomination for vice president. He turned it down to go run Lehman Brothers instead. Thanks to Brian for sending this along.

This isn’t technically an “email,” but a comment left on your editor’s new AOL column — we know, we know, fish in a barrel, etc. But it is just too good to sit unnoticed between another hundred dumb comments, so let’s enjoy the financial wisdom and cheery electoral predictions from “Simon.” MORE »

MORONS IN THE NEWS: Webclown Jerome Corsi — the wingnut promoter of 9/11 conspiracies and North American Union Amero fantasies — went to Kenya to do some stunt with his dumb Obama book, and the crafty Africans put him in jail, the end. [AFP]

Here’s “gotcha journalist” Katie Couric getting quizzed by TMZ about her reading habits. She says the same exact thing that Sarah Palin said (”all of them, any of them”), except she says it to be funny. HOW DISRESPECTFUL. Katie also says she reads The Economist for the articles, and for the monthly compendium of slightly ribald jokes about oversexed blondes which she likes to tell at cocktail parties while John McCain is off raping gorillas. [TMZ via Ben Smith]

Well this is pretty nifty! Now you know what to get your editors for Christmas. [BrakeNutz, Gizmodo, Jalopnik]

America never really had an occasion to think about Michael Dukakis for about oh TWENTY YEARS until he showed up in a nice NYT graphic yesterday proving, conclusively, that he could never have defeated George H.W. Bush in an election because he was half a foot shorter. Dukakis was a hilarious failure of a candidate, and now he says the Obama campaign is doing better than his did, which is a true and obvious statement. MORE »

• America’s $700 bailout plan has already failed because now every bank on earth is poor and Europe can’t get its act together so now we have a Global Meltdown. [New York Times]
• A financial guy killed himself and his family, for Honor, after he lost a bunch of money. [Los Angeles Times]
• The presidential candidates’ gloves are off, again! Now the tone of the race is getting nasty! Etc. [Washington Post]
• There’s another debate tonight! John McCain will be there, and so will Barack Obama, and ditto Tom Brokaw and a handful of horrified “real voters” who will share their sad-sack stories with America and ask how Barack Obama can save their jobs when he is off palling around with bombers and suchlike. [San Francisco Chronicle]
• Widening global bank crisis, “worldwide turmoil,” panic, Band-Aids on gaping head wounds. [Washington Post]
• Wachovia might be sold to Citigroup, or maybe Wells Fargo. Perhaps things will be clearer on Wednesday, when the bank’s assets are given away to the first friendly hobo with a fistful of dryer change. [Forbes]

WALNUTS 2: NUT HARDER starring John “Walnuts!” McCain, produced by SalvatoreDIntern and starring Julia Kobos. And your beloved original from 2006 is here.

SECURITY THROUGH TYRANNY! “As our economic system continues to collapse and it’s increasingly evident that the federal bailout of Wall Street has done nothing to calm investors or businesses, we have to assume the new police state will be put into place sometime this month, before the presidential elections, and that John McCain will become our new crazy old dictator guy. Will it really be so bad?” [AOL Political Machine]

Here’s something fun to look forward to, this Friday, other than the End of Capitalism and Electricity or whatever: There’s going to be a fun report on that legal investigation into Sarah Palin’s “abuse of power” in Alaska, when she fired all her sister’s rape victims or something. Troopergate! Nobody knows what it’s about, other than Governor Palin is some cheap crook who has many enemies — mostly the ex-husbands of her white-trash family members — and she destroys their lives by taking away their jobs. Way to fight for the little people, Maverickita! [Crooks & Liars]

When the markets tank, editors need a photograph to illustrate the terrible loss of value in equities most people either don’t own and don’t understand. The obvious photograph — poor people eating trash in the alley because they have no food and no home — is never used, because it would seem racist. Instead, the general-news media relies on a never-ending stock collection of floor traders looking exhausted, or, like in this AP-Yahoo photo used today, floor traders simultaneously vomiting into their hands. Let’s laugh at them, together. MORE »