Wonkette

MURDER & DEATH: “In 2008, this undercurrent of dread is more powerful than ever … and not only because of persistent fears that Barack Obama, potentially the first African American president, might be assassinated. National polls have consistently shown that large numbers of voters are concerned about the health of Obama’s opponent, John McCain, a four-time cancer survivor who at 72 would be the oldest president on Inauguration Day.” [Obit Magazine]

Here’s one for the children of Washington, D.C., with Wonkette’s own Liz Glover interviewing famous local hero rock star Ted Leo of the wonderful elitist band Ted Leo & The Pharmacists outside a Black Cat show last week. He talks about some obscure album someone made once, because that is what indie rock people do whenever they hear a fleeting reference to anything music-related. Then Liz asks about Sarah Palin and he gets “all emo” and start talking about “bullets in bellies.” Why does Ted Leo hate the troops? [YouTube]

John McCain has selected someone to head his — get this — “White House transition team,” and of course the person is an old corrupt Washington lobbyist, so basically JOHN MCCAIN IS PAYING THE LOBBYISTS MONEY FOR SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T EXIST. But! More Scandal! This terrible lobbyist is one William Timmons, a famous goat warlock from Narnia. (Or was that Tumnus? Whatever, they are all hobbits from fantasy closets.) He was also best friends with Saddam Hussein forever, until John McCain killed Saddam Hussein on a cellphone video several years ago. MORE »

As we learned in the Bible yesterday, ACORN is a terrible terrorist organization that is trying to help “poor people” (terrorists) and also wants to “register voters” (fly planes into the World Trade Center). MORE »

JOE BIDEN IS A GENIUS: “For this debate, for part of this next debate, do what I did for part of the last two debates. Literally, turn the sound off. I’m not being… I’m not joking now. Literally, turn the sound off.” No but seriously. Literally. [CBS News]

After Christopher Buckley insulted his dead father’s National Review magazine by endorsing a liberal black Maoist over the Crazyfarts McBombs and Sideshow Moosetits ticket, every editor at the National Review and every wingnut with an AOL account called him a traitor to his own family, Jesus, and The Cause. And so Buckley has now quit his columnist position at the magazine and written a rather brutal excoriation of Modern Conservatism on Tina Brown’s new Huffington Post, The British Space Cyclops. MORE »

• Use Obama’s math machine to calculate numbers ‘n such that relate to how many Saltines and cigarettes you can afford to steal, once you’re a hobo. [Ben Smith]
• Some dude at a theoretical Obama rally may have called erratic lying warmonger John McCain a “liar” and a “warmonger.”  [Marc Ambinder]
• Sarah Palin’s ex-brother-in-law, “Trooper” of Troopergate fame, used to run over wolves with his snowmobile and eat their entrails, for sport. And for laughs. [Daily Kos]
• October Surprise! The stars of the tween veterinary hospital docu-drama Gossip Girl shot a teevee ad about how many trucker hats they own in honor of Barack Obama. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Oh god someone named a newborn “Sarah McCain Palin.” This baby will never stop crying — nor should it. [Jonathan Martin]
• Someone yelled “louder” at Palin during a speech. But the screeching of the wind blowing through her sad, empty head was deafening, so what’s a gal to do except to yell back that dammit, this person should respect America’s veterans. [Crooks and Liars]

One of the weirdest things to watch in American politics is how the wingnuts do these lockstep moves to some “what the hell are they even talking about?” fake outrage, and within hours there are millions of inane illiterate blog comments and chain emails and C-SPAN callers all prattling on about something nobody had any problem with and had never even heard of, say, last week. How does this happen? What is ACORN, anyway? MORE »

You must must must watch this video of “The Princess” of the Washington press corps, David Broder, walking around some small Pennsylvania town looking for friends. He knocks on so many doors, but so many people are at work. And so he just keeps on walkin’. Every now and then he meets a nice lady or gentleman. They humor him politely, as one would an old person asking questions about one’s politics. David Broder has literally no idea where he is. [Washington Post]

Nothing says “I hate Real Americans” like going to a public school, learning how to read and write, and having some basic knowledge of what’s going on in the world around you. That’s why the elitist “schoolchildren” who took part in the Scholastic Election Poll are obviously in the tank for fancy educated smart guy Barack Obama. MORE »

There is something very charming about how cheaply and how obviously Joe Biden indulges his personal vanities. Surely he knows plastic surgeons and Hair Club type people who could do this stuff quietly and, you know, correctly, but down home Joe from Scranton takes the train home every day! So instead he says, “Oh noes I am losing my hair! I’ll just take these other hairs an’ plug ‘em into my head, in rows, and nobody will know the difference! Here, gimme that glue gun!” and also more recently, “Holy cow my forehead’s a-wrinklin’! Squirt a big heap of that paralytic virus in there and we’ll show America what a real monster looks like!” Now nobody can vote for Barack Obama or Joe Biden, because Joe Biden is a Botox addict. [Washington Post]