Wonkette

Oh hey Friday slow news day etc.! The various news outlets keep insisting that Hillary Clinton has quietly (as quietly as she can do anything) taken up Barack Obama on his offer to be Secretary of Diplomatic Teas and Bombing Things, so we pass that information along to you, the reader. Did you now that Bill Clinton turned over the names of over two hundred thousand donors to his foundation and memorial dildo farm in Little Rock, so that his wife could have this job? True story! MORE »

Holy Jesus God do you know how bad this recession is? So bad that one of the most recession-proof industries ever invented, THE WEATHER, has now hit upon hard times. The Weather Channel is laying off some untold number of staff, probably millions, more than the whole auto worker’s industry plus Wall Street combined, because there is no weather anywhere anymore. There’s just no budget for it. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

Well this is terribly disappointing! After a veritable two weeks of post-election speculation about our future Secretary of the Treasury, with an endless parade of sexist buffoons and kindly forest-giants to choose from, Barack Obama goes for some dude named Tim Geithner who appears to be of normal stature and possessed of no serious personality defects. YAWN. MORE »

Are you ready for 2012 polls? Well, too bad. Gallup is already doing 2012 polls. Nate Silver will not even get a break to buy a baseball team or whatever. According to Gallup, of the last losers calling themselves “Republican,” 67% want Alaskan turkey Sarah Palin to run, 62% wish Mormon gay-hater Mitt Romney would have another losing campaign, and 61% hope squirrel-eating socialist and Romney-hater Mike Huckabee will have another go in 2012. MORE »

• Erstwhile athlete/web-logger Gilbert Arenas has been immortalized in wax, at a museum full of wax people. [DCist]
• If it snows on Inauguration Day, Barack Obama’s car will still get to the White House just fine, and you can still probably charge the person renting out your couch obscene amounts of money for the privilege of doing so. [WTOP]
• Mary Chapin Carpenter, a country musician who’s biggest qualification is that she apparently doesn’t even live in DC, will be the newest Washington Times columnist. [Fishbowl DC]
• Meet Dulles’ newest runway! You will probably be spending several utterly inexplicable hours sitting on it sometime this holiday season. [Washington Post]
• Here are some tips for getting Obama to hire you, as the only jobs left in America are in the White House and at the Washington Times, and one of them has just gone to Mary Chapin Carpenter. [Politico]

There is an ENTIRE WORLD you are apparently missing if you don’t sit at home all day watching the daytime teevee programs. For Example: There is a show called Ellen which consists of political personalities such as Barack Obama and Chris Matthews doing a retarded dance. Then there are commercials, probably for weight-loss schemes or super-big toilets. [YouTube]

This weird and wonderful year has been packed with implausibilities and impossibilities: the Clintons losing, a black man elected president and Peggy Noonan occassionally making sense. This week’s installment of her serialized first-person novel of Manhattan Madness, Declarations, contains two well-written arguments for the current conventional wisdom — Hillary is an interesting yet troublesome choice for Secretary of State, and Robert Gates should stay on for a while as Secretary of Defense. Which is nice and all, but it doesn’t really leave your Wonkette much to work with. Luckily, Peggy was just coming down from her Dexedrine-Percocet highball when she scrawled her first zany sentence, in Lancome mascara, on the walls of her Upper East Side apartment. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Ahh, what’s that smell? Now that the election is over and there’s a brief respite from the never-ending stream of bullshit, we can catch a whiff of sweet romance! They don’t call the period after a new president’s election a “honeymoon” for nothing. Let’s enjoy this brief window of love-addled happiness before the hellscape re-engulfs us with these fine romantic cartoons. MORE »

YOUR EDITOR HAS TO GO TAPE A RADIO THING NOW: Wonkette’s own Sara K. Smith will be on the “Good News, Bad News, No News” segment of Weekend America tomorrow, offering her valuable opinions on the news — that is, unless she chokes on her tongue during the taping, or is unable to come up with family-friendly descriptors for Joe Lieberman. The point is, Ken will be posting “soon.” [Weekend America]

Well phew now everybody can just go back to mocking this guy for being a torture-lovin’ Bush sellout, because that scary incident where Michael Mukasey conked out in the middle of a speech did not signify a stroke or a heart attack or anything serious. He just had what a spokeswoman for the Department of Justice called “a fainting spell,” which is Republican code for “collapse due to oldness.” MORE »