Wonkette

It was a hard-fought primary, but in the end, Bill Clinton’s old Arkansas magic just couldn’t work another time. So now he’s stuck with a boring old prime time slot on the second-to-the-last night of the convention, yammering about national security when he really wants to talk about math and numbers and dollars like he did in the 90s. Let’s see how he muddles through… MORE »

It’s the night we’ve all been waiting for: The night Bill Clinton will finally get out of the way and let the nominee go ahead and run for president. Bill has his legacy to worry about, because, you know, he squandered it with some of the most boorish, cheap behavior in political history — and we are not even talking about Monica Lewinsky. Let’s let Bill let us remember how wonderful he is and how awesome he will always be, as the DNC Wednesday night showdown begins. MORE »

In honor of National Security Night, sixteen billion riot police were deployed outside Pepsi Center. We saw some protesters, too! They had the usual “No blood for oil” type signs, and many were shirtless. So of course we took a picture of the boring old police. Your editor has perhaps the worst seat in the house tonight: BEHIND the stage. A big screen showing the proceedings is cleverly hidden behind a massive rack of lights. And all around, people bitch endlessly about their terrible view, how they can’t see or hear anything, and how there is NO SAVING SEATS, not even for old people who had the temerity to get up and go to the bathroom. Jesus Christ.

Your editors are ready to kick back with Obama and whatever white family he visits tonight, as we all enjoy Bill Frickin’ Clinton! Liveblogging and live reporting from the Democratic National Convention in beautiful downtown Denver, coming soon! (Thanks to Wonkette Operative Michael Gambale for the screenshot.)

This convention has been an unmitigated disaster. It is now about to get worse. They are holding the fake nomination roll call and floor vote to “determine” the presidential nominee, until Hillary Clinton fake calls it off, or something. It’s the Hilltards’ last shot at glory! Here goes. MORE »

Oh huzzah! Even if Comedy-Proof Barry Obama makes it into the White House next year, there will still be plenty of opportunities for humor … because Terry McAuliffe might be running for governor of Virginia. How much does Terry McAuliffe know about (and love!!!) Virginia? So much that Tucker Martin, the campaign spokesperson for likely Republican candidate Attorney General Robert F. McDonnell, said, “Terry McAuliffe doesn’t know Norton from Norfolk. If he runs, remind me to send him a Virginia state map.” Oh har har har you won’t be laughing so much next year when Terry McAuliffe shows up on the cable news doing rum body shots off your savagely pummeled ass, Tucker Martin! Why is every douchebag Republican hack named Tucker? [Washington Post]

This is really shaping up as the (only) musical stadium show of the week! Unofficial sources say Stevie “Used To Be So Awesome” Wonder, that annoying Wilheim-Am! and Sheryl Crow will play music at the Invesco High-Times Field at Mile High Stadium tomorrow evening. What a lineup! Also: The previously mentioned Bruce Springsteen and John Francis Bongiovi, Jr., may or may not perform their “New Jersey Trilogy” ballet for the middle aged. There is someone else we’ve literally never heard of, called “John Legend,” who will masturbate with a cactus. [Denver Post/Politico]

• WATCH YR CORNHOLE BUD: Ha, this dude we met at a cigar and liquor (and dildo) party the other night was comically arrested, covering “the role of corporate lobbyists and wealthy donors at the convention for a series of Money Trail reports” for ABC News. Well, when we saw him, he was just throwin’ those drinks down and taking pictures of the bar band, and smoking cigars. Then again there were creepy members of Congress there sidling up to the (surprising amount of) hot ass in town. But now our poor friend from ABC News is in jail for taking their pictures. We’ll see you on the other side, Asa. [TV Newser]

It’s Dennis “The Menace” Kucinich thrilling the crowd on Tuesday! He kicked ass and took names! Wild applause! But the insurance companies and oil monsters still run the world — sorry, Denny! Oh look we have some more pictures …. MORE »

It was confusing when Hispanic rapper guy Daddy Yankee endorsed John McCain in person the other day, because who is Daddy Yankee? Also, he makes songs about semen, and they are John McCain’s favorite songs along with “Dancing Queen.” Now we’ve learned, however, that Daddy Yankee wanted to endorse Obama earlier in the year but wasn’t allowed to. Although Fox News denies this, and says that Daddy Yankee and WALNUTS! have been friends since they met at a Most Important People On Earth party in 2005. [Ben Smith, Fox News]