cokie roberts

Chatology: America for Americans!

Sorry for the hiatus, folks. But between the dodgy servers and pictures of Katherine Harris’s breasts did you even notice? If I had to sum up yesterday’s chatfest with one word, it would be this: amneleaksty. Immigration and Fitzgerald investigation dominated — which makes sense when you realize that Fitzgerald’s grandparents were probably immigrants.

Hot topics:
• Immigration bill: “bureaucracy of rubber stamps” or “lack[ing] compassion”?
• Leak investigation: Specter says the President needs to come clean, Kerry says “This was not a declassification to educate America, this was a declassification to mislead America.”
• Nuking Iran. Scary!

Quotes to live by:
• Stephanopoulos wonders “how do you solve this Rubik’s cube” of the budget?
• Dionne asks “What did the president forget and when did he forget it?”
• George Will gets legalistic: The President “was trying to discredit, punish, or seek revenge against a critic… where in the federal statues does it say that is forbidden?”
• And in case you’re wondering why he lost: Russert introduces Kerry thusly as the man who won “48.3 percent” of the popular vote.

Kerry: “I thought it was 49.2” Tim: “48.3 — But who’s counting?”

After the jump: The most optimistic man in America, the calm and cool Joe Wilson (really), and a testy Schieffer.

Fox News Sunday
Transcript

Brit Hume in for Chris Wallace and the tone is suitably belligerent. Apparently there are different — “and contradictory” — reports on our plans or lack thereof to invade Iran.

Arlen Specter live from Columbia — he has a little tiny earset mic like Madonna. A pasty, male Madonna. Says the immigration compromise fell apart because of the Democrats and because of the Senate’s “difficult and arcane rules.” Also: Democrats hate national security. And freedom.

Huh-huh: He said “whip check.”

Did what the President do with the NIE constitute a “leak”? “I don’t know, but I think the President and the Vice President need to tell the American people what happened… he owes a specific explanation to the American people.” While the “President may be entirely in the clear,” he leaves open the possibility that he isn’t. Brit Hume manages to contain himself.

Rep. Pete King — angry high school wrestling coach with mobster hair — gets on to shine the bright light of truth on the immigration issue. Truth being powered by his electric green tie.

Oh, excellent: Hume pulls up the Webster definition of “amnesty.” I wondered when we’d get to that. King insists the compromise would be “amnesty,” Brit says the bill doesn’t sound like a “pardon” to him. King hits all the talking points, noting that the idea that the supposed checks on immigration would turn into a “bureaucracy of rubber stamps” and that Congress is “scared of people waving flags on the streets.” Brit asks what the alternatives are to a guest worker program: Is there anything else that is “practicable”? (That dictionary sure comes in handy!)

Zalmay Khalilzad responds to the U.S. study that evaluated the situation in Iraq as “somber.” “The goal was finding what we need to focus on in different provinces.” Brit wonders why “an average American” shouldn’t believe that things are deteriorating? Khalilzad says, “Well, if they were looking a year ago, they would see that things were not as good as they are now.” Huh.

On formation of government: “Iraqis as losing their patience, as well as the international community.” Uhm, yeah. A real rhetorical risk-taker, Mr. Khalilzad.

On the visit of Jack Straw and Condi Rice: “The people in those countries are losing patience… the vacuum that exists now is dangerous and encourages terrorists… and I think that was useful for Iraqi leaders to hear.”

Panel: Charles Krauthammer, Mara Liasson, Bill Kristol and Juan Williams.

NIE right up there and, shockingly, Brit Hume wonders if the word “leak” is really appropriate. Krauthammer calls the “whole story” “absurd.” It is, but I don’t think for the reasons Charles thinks. Krauthammer posits that Scooter was really acting as a kind of friendly fact-checker for the press: He knew about the “distortions” and so he needed to correct them.

OMG WHAT IS MARA LIASSON WEARING!?!?! She’s full-on plummy with oil-slick lip gloss and a huge rhinestone brooch. Agrees that if a “leak” is “unauthorized,” then, well, “this was very authorized.”

Kristol says that while he knows people who like and respect Patrick Fitzgerald, “I now think it’s a politically motivated attempt to wound the Bush administration.”

Immigration debate turns up as dissection of who will get hurt the most by lack of a compromise bill. Democrats benefit from lack of any bill at all, says Kristol. Liasson says that being seen as “anti-immigrant” will hurt Republicans but Republicans have been the loudest in celebrating defeat of compromise. Krauthammer says that turning immigrants into “felons” is what brought protesters into the streets and that word will be “hung around the necks of the Republican House.”

We end with a little light hearted Saddam humor: fake state torture inspired limericks courtesy Jimmy Kimmel show. Hilarious.

This Week
Podcast, Boehner interview, Wilson interview

John Boehner shows off his tan. He’s seems notably less smiley than when he became leader. Budget talks not going well, though Boehner wants to talk about how they’re cracking down on earmarks. George just asked him “how do you solve this Rubik’s cube” — itself a mindtwisting metaphor. Boehner can’t help but rub it in that the House has passed an immigration bill, unlike those fancypants in the Senate. Says that the Senate compromise “sounds like amnesty” to “most Americans.” No sign of a dictionary here.

Ninety-five House members have signed a petition to bring a discussion of Iraq policy to the floor. Boehner says that he has “no fear” of bringing a resolution to the floor. “We went to Iraq for the right reasons” and “I think we’re winning” — George interrupts, “We’re winning?” I have to say that Boehner comes across as much less of a lightweight than he did months ago. Perhaps it’s because his tan is not as dark.

George pulls out actual copy of the NYT to read from story about the dismal Iraq study. Old school!

Bush and Congressional approval ratings in the crapper — is a Democratic takeover coming? Boehner: “The choices are simple.” Well, that’s true. Admits that the Republicans “have had a rough year…I’m not going to deny it.” Lists DeLay’s “troubles” as part of the roughness, George tries to edge in: “Is it better that he’s gone?” No answer. Republicans are moving forward.

Oh, great: Joe Wilson. Because he needs more of a platform. He took his somber pills this morning, however. Being very frowny and disappointed. He’s the hip guidance counselor who really wishes you hadn’t tried pot. Best drama of the morning are the clips from McClellan’s briefings, wherein he looks as purple as his tie. Wilson says that the president should fire the leakers if he wants to maintain credibility. “Maintain.” Heh. Cute, Joe.

I think I like him better in bloviating snark mode.

George asks if he’s going to file suit against anyone in the White House, Wilson: “We’re keeping our options open.” Says that the President owes the American people an explanation first, and also one to the troops in Iraq. Okay, who gave Joe media training when we weren’t looking?

Panel: Fareed Zakaria, George Will, Cokie Roberts and EJ Dionne.

Will lays out the argument on the Fitzgerald side: “How can he claim to have been too busy to notice [what he did and didn’t say to reporters] when the President is involved?” That said, Will has trouble with “concept of a Presidential leak.” Fareed says that giving out a name of CIA agent is not “declassifying.”

Roberts runs down the recent lowlights: Katrina report, vice president shoot someone, Dubai port deal, Tom DeLay, Jack Abramoff, and who knows? Dionne trots out a line that I imagine he wrote down before coming out: “What did the president forget and when did he forget it?”

Will: Fitzgerald report claims that the President “was trying to discredit, punish, or seek revenge against a critic… where in the federal statues does it say that is forbidden?” OMG. GREAT POINT. I also think it does not explicitly forbid the president killing a man with his bare hands. Watch your back, John Snow!

Zakaria notes that the Iraq report says 35 percent of the country is in trouble. Asks of Rumsfeld, et al: “Are they really seeing the same world? Are they living in some kind of fantasy?” Yes, they are. Only things missing are naked cheerleaders and beer fountains.

George S. dubs Tom DeLay “the most optimistic man in America” for claiming that the GOP can “grow the majority” in the House. Everyone loves Gingrich’s “had enough” quote as slogan for the Dems, though Cokie wonders if real Democrats can really beat real Republicans as opposed to generic ones. Zakaria says there are, in fact, ideas at war underneath political battles: GOP used to be able to claim to be more competent with defense and the economy. These ideas are slipping.

A quick detour into the Massachusetts health care plan, Cokie says states are “laboratories of democracy, yes, but also laboratories of practicality.”

Show biz segment: Bernadette Peters and the ASPCA. Everyone likes dogs.

Meet the Press
Transcript, podcast, netcast

First guest is some guy who looks vaguely familiar: John Kerry. Heard of him? Apparently he ran for President once, and Tim introduces him as the man who won “48.3 percent” of the popular vote.

Kerry: “I thought it was 49.2”
Tim: “48.3 — But who’s counting?”

Oh, I remember this asshole now.

I think Kerry’s hair is inflated. It seems to hover slightly above his head. A dark cloud, really.

They’re talking about Kerry’s deadline/ultimatum proposal. What will the government on demand look like? “I don’t know the answer to that today…unless you combine that with the threat of withdrawal, it’s not going to happen.” Tim points out that an immediate withdrawal could make Iraq a “haven for terrorists.” Kerry is jocular, laughs, “Oh, Tim, that’s not what I’ve proposed.” That’s because it’s what we already have.

Tim puts up Kerry’s original proposal, from 2004: “My exit strategy is success.” Why the switch up? “Now we have no choice, because the administration didn’t do any of the other things I suggested.” Okay, answer was longer than that, but I think I can summarize: Because now the war isn’t as popular.

Personal anecdote: “Last night, late at night, I went down to the Vietnam wall… they were added to that wall after our leaders knew the policy wasn’t working… This is not to be resolved militarily. It has to be done politically.” I wonder if Kerry himself served in Vietnam. Do any of you know?

His vote for the war in Iraq is the one he’d most like to take back.

I think he’s borrowed Mara Liasson’s lip gloss. And he is anti-nuking Iran. “It is the HEIGHT of irresponsibility.”

Re: NIE. Tim rolls tape of Alberto Gonzales defending the right of the President to declassify material for whatever reason he wants. Kerry: “This was not a declassification to educate America, this was a declassification to mislead America.”

On domestic wiretapping: “I think this impeachment talk is a waste of time…all this politics is a waste of time.” I dunno. If he broke the law…

He manages to bring in this idea that Americans want an optimistic, bipartisan leadership in every answer, including immigration. You think he might be running for office? “I don’t know.” Of the last election: Joe Klien’s new book claims that Kerry intended to speak about Abu Ghraib but that consultants went to a focus group first. CRAZY TALK. Kerry says “I don’t know about that focus group.” Clearly.

Now the interns debate immigration. Rep. Luis Gutierrez: anti-House bill. It lacks compassion. Henry Bonilla: pro-House bill. “We have a crisis on the border.” Talks the national security point. J.D. Hayworth: anti-House bill because it’s not tough enough. Is actually against birthright citizenship.

Hayworth looks like he should be running a pool cleaning business but he did just reference the “legislative legerdemain of Lyndon Johnson.” The irony of the immigration debate is that discussion of it is not nearly as exciting as the enforcement and enacting of it: giant fences! Vigilantes! Death defying journeys through the desert! Maybe we could settle whole issue by having congressmen try to cross the border themselves. Survivor: Legislative Edition!

Oh, and speaking of immunity challenges: J.D. is the number one recipient of Abramoff donations. And he’s “so glad you asked about that.”

Face the Nation
Transcript (PDF), podcast

More interns. Reps. Thomas Tancredo and Xavier Becerra.

Schieffer says that because of the large demonstrations, “Congress decided to punt and go on vacation.” Trancredo says it’s unlikely a bill will happen. Becerra says the compromise bill could work if they could just have a “straight up-or-down vote.” Smart borrowing of GOP language.

More discussion of undercover amnesty bills. Tancredo: “For the millions of people who do it the right way … it’s a slap in the face to everyone who believes in the rule of law.” Becerra gets technical: It’s not an unconditional amnesty. I dunno, I think the right’s gonna win this doublespeak contest. Repeat amnesty enough and it’ll just lose real meaning and simply be a Bad thing.

Becerra says the economic incentives are too great to make hardline approaches work: “A fence is not going to stop you.” Oooh, dictionary definition of amnesty showdown! Tancredo says that the “textbook” definition of amnesty is simply letting someone get away with breaking the law. Then, oh well, interview order. And Schieffer gives Tancredo a slap: “You had a chance to answer my question but you choose to answer another one. And now we’re out of time.” Bi-atch.

GM’s Rick Wagoner up now. “We certainly are facing some tough issues.” Omg. He just said, “right-sizing.” FLASHBACK. Where are my legwarmers and “Baby on Board” signs? There won’t be a bailout but they are working with unions. And, by God, the new product lines are awesome. Schieffer: Is the real problem that “Americans just like Japanese cars and trucks better?” But it turns out “no one country has the silver lining on how to design cars.” Which isn’t even English. Someone clearly shuffled his index cards.

Schieffer’s final thought: “Our elected officials have lost the ability to compromise” because of all of the favors they already owe to special interest. “Our political system is so broken, there’s not much Congress can do.” And on that note.

Chatology: Defining Victory Down

This Sunday’s shows undertook a major military operation. Between the anniversary of the invasion of Iraq and “Operation Swarmer,” talking heads all but saluted. Russ Feingold managed to grab some of the spotlight, and his motion to censure President Bush gave Bill Kristol another chance to rock Chris Wallace’s world: Feingold “is smarter than the Democratic congressional leadership” and “deserves credit for taking a principled stand, and I honestly think he’s winning this debate.” That sound you heard is Nancy Pelosi’s head exploding. Dick Cheney did “Face the Nation” but did not make much news beyond the world’s most awesome Freudian slip: “Most of my predecessors spent a good part of their time as President—Vice President running for President.

Also, debuting this week on ABCNews.com was “The Green Room,” a brave attempt to wring every possible bit of hot air from the “This Week” panel while they stand around uncomfortably after the show wraps in the nondescript, motel-ish decor of ABC’s DeSale St. digs. Personally, I have always found pre-show green room chatter more interesting (everyone’s trying out their lines) and the whole thing strikes me as an empty attempt to show us another side of people who are basically one-dimensional, but I applaud this Taylorite approach to news content and hope that less practiced pundits do something stupid and/or inspired backstage in the future.

Top topics: Iraq, Feingold’s censure motion and by extension the NSA wiretap program.

One-hit wonders: Boston College’s Sweet Sixteen chances (“Meet the Press”); Joey Cheek, humanitarian (“This Week”); Mark McClellan, TREKKIE (“Fox News Sunday”)

Quotes to live by:
• Dick Cheney admits that shooting someone in the face is “one of those situations that’s difficult, that generates controversy.”
• Chris Wallace, SUPER GENIUS: “It seems to me that the Senators who are most critical of [the NSA wiretapping] program are the ones who know the least about it.”
• George Will lays it out: “We need to define victory down.”
• Sam Donaldson is totally high: “Russ Feingold threw the long ball… but it might connect, as the Washington Redskins learned in the mid-70s.”

Also, Shorter Chris Matthews Show: David Gregory observed that “George Bush is the George Clooney of Washington… but that’s a little bit of a patina.” Wha?

Full rundown appears after the jump.

Face the Nation
Transcript

DICK CHENEY! On Face the Nation! Shoots-in-the-Face-Nation!

First of all: Nice tie. Red but with a subtle tone-on-tone check. But that’s not what Bob Schieffer is asking about. He’s asking about civil war in Iraq. BREAKING: DICK CHENEY DOES NOT THINK THERE IS CIVIL WAR IN IRAQ. In fact, though the terrorists would LIKE us to believe there’s a civil war, the very desperation of their acts of violence MEANS THERE IS NO CIVIL WAR. Hottt.

Perhaps optimistic statements have made people become more skeptical? “There’s a constant perception because what’s newsworthy is the car bomb in Baghdad, not all the progress.” Because there is not much progress.

“It took us A LOT longer to put together an effective government together 200 years ago.” Some would say that’s not a fair comparison, given that the colonists were working in a much more primitive time. But the Iraqis are also ERECTING THEIR NEW NATION without electricity and running water. Cheney points out that “Saddam used chemical weapons against his own folks.” Wow, HIS OWN PARENTS? That is bad.

People who question the need to be at war in Iraq have a “pre-9/11 mentality.” An INGENIOUS talking point. They should consider using that one more. Also, Ted Kennedy is the “last man I would go to for guidance on national security.” What, not Tenet?

Schieffer offers up the Ambien theory of presidential incompetence: “Is it possible they’re suffering a little fatigue here?” Cheney: “These are tough jobs, but we’ve got some very talented people and the country is being well-served.” When Schieffer asks if Cheney has ever thought of resigning, Cheney’s permasmirk almost blossoms into a full blown maniacal evil laugh. No, he has not considered it.

Their good cop-bad cop routine is not intentional, but then quite the Freudian slip: “Most of my predecessors spent a good part of their time as President—Vice President running for President.” Schieffer offers the hypothesis that maybe Cheney would step down a year before 2008 in order to let someone interested in running for President be Veep: “No, no one’s ever mentioned that to me.”

FACE SHOOTING TIME: Could it have been handled better? Says Dick, “It’s one of those situations that’s difficult, that generates controversy.” As opposed those other not-difficult, non-controversy-generating shots to someone’s face. Quotes Gridiron show. Notes, “We can laugh about it now.” Oh, it was pretty funny then, too. Of the notification controversy: “Strikes me as something of a tempest in a teapot.” It strikes me as shooting someone in the face.

Schieffer’s final word has to do with the stumbling progress of lobbying reform. “Congress is drowning in a sea of corruption,” he says. And, unfortunately, they’re waving, not drowning.

Fox News Sunday
George Casey interview; Dick Durbin interview

First up, live from Baghdad, is Commanding General of Iraq’s multinational forces, George Casey, whose cube-like head and linebacker shoulders make him an easy favorite for Sunday Chat Show Guest Who Could Whip All Other Guests’ Asses. However, that he is wearing a visible gun holster does not make me feel confident about stability in Iraq.

Chris Wallace: “Is the war going well or badly?” Casey: “I think we — the Iraqi people are making great progress.”

In some provinces, there are “six or less incidents of violence a day”… so it’s not “awash” in sectarian violence.

Last year, Casey said that they’d start troop draw-down if everything continued to go well. So? Apparently, the reductions have already started. Because things have continued to go so well. He does not want to get hung on a number. Chris has a number for him: With over a hundred thousand American troops fighting and dying in Iraq, the fact that the government is still haggling and dickering, why shouldn’t Americans be outraged?

Casey says forming a new government is “very, very hard.”

Dem Sen. Dick Durbin will now agree with that. You will be surprised to learn that Durbin supports the troops, but that “I think the political leaders in Washington have failed.” Okay, sure, says Chris: “Be very specific, what is the Democratic plan?” This is very disappointing because Durbin actually starts to sound like there is one; he mentions numbers! But then we hear something about “they must form a unified government.” On Feingold’s censure resolution: it was caused by “the utter frustration that Republican senators refuse to ask hard questions of the administration.”

Chris: “It seems to me that the Senators who are most critical of this program are the ones who know the least about it.” Well, that is the fucking problem, isn’t it? They are criticizing the administration’s refusal to tell them about it. Hey, the people who are most critical of being lied to are the ones who were lied to! Please just save your criticism until we decide to tell you enough about what we’re doing so that you can criticize it… and even then, don’t! BECAUSE THAT WILL MEAN YOU WILL HATE FREEDOM.

Unfortunately, Durbin does not respond with incredulous outrage. It is not on his talking points. Oh, wait, a little flash of anger: Republican behavior on this issue “has become a partisan cover-up operation.”

Is the censure motion the leading edge of impeachment proceedings? No. But “I can’t rule it out until the investigation is complete… We need more information about this program.”

Chris: “You’re not ruling out the idea that he has broken the law?” Durbin: “We have a responsibility to see if the President broke the law… I’m waiting for more information, and you’d think this information would be forthcoming.” Gotta say, I admire Durbin for not backing down on this one.

Chris then announces that the panel will discuss whether the censure investigation is “good for Democrats or Republicans,” which does not exactly seem the most pressing issue. That would be: DID THE PRESIDENT BREAK THE LAW? Jesus.

Panel is: Brit Hume, Mara Liasson, Bill Kristol, Juan Williams. Chris says he was “genuinely surprised” about Durbin admitting that they could possibly impeach the President. Hume: “By not ruling it out, he has come as close as anyone has to admitting that [the plan to do so] is there.” That is a literally true statement, but it also doesn’t take into account the fact that Bush MAY HAVE BROKEN THE LAW? What if he did? What should Durbin have said? “No, of course we won’t impeach the President! No matter what he did! George W. Bush is the kindest, bravest, warmest human being I’ve ever met.”

OMG WHAT IS MARA LIASSON WEARING?!?!?!? SHE IS A GIANT PLUM. A PURPLE PEOPLE EATER. HELP! RUNNNN AWAAAYYYY!!!!

Ahem.

Chris asks her why Durbin left the door open to impeachment, Mara says that she can’t explain it. Here, I can: BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT MIGHT HAVE BROKEN THE LAW.

Kristol says Feingold “is smarter than the Democratic congressional leadership” and “deserves credit for taking a principled stand, and I honestly think he’s winning this debate.” Points out that their sitting around discussing the censure resolution is a victory for Feingold, because “who’s defending the President’s NSA action? Suddenly everyone’s talking about it… saying it’s fair to question what he’s done.” Wallace’s world has, yet again, been rocked: “You’re saying this is helping the Democrats and hurting Republicans?” Kristol is unphased by the world-rocking, and you know I think he happens to be right: “As long as the charge is out there, and is not rebutted, it helps … Feingold is making his case coherently, he is an impressive politician.” Brit Hume is about to leap over the table and suck out Kristol’s eyes.

Then Juan brings the energy down by bringing up Clinton and Hume catches his breath, says “this is good politics.” Points out that the program itself is very popular. Juan, God bless him, says, “You’re confusing the popularity of this program with its legality.” Back to Bill Kristol for a final word: “Republicans cannot go to 2006 mid-terms saying, ‘re-elect a Republican Congress to protect the President from impeachment.’ They need to make a substantive case for the President’s policy.” The program’s popularity isn’t the point, “You don’t get into politics only to play at issues where you have public opinion on your side.”

Brit goes out on a limb: “ALL of the President’s problems have to do with Iraq.” Kristol drops another bomb: “Reading Donald Rumsfeld’s op-ed in the Washington Post makes me even more amazed that President Bush has not replaced him… He has for three years tried to move to post-war Iraq, without winning the war in Iraq…We can win the war, I just wish we had a Secretary of Defense interested in winning it.” Ow. Brit Hume cites Ralph Peters saying he didn’t see civil war. Well, if one journalist in a country the size of California can’t find civil war, it must not exist.

Power Player of the Week: Mark McClellan, the less whipped-puppy-like McClellan brother. He does not take the press corps’ “savaging” of his brother personally. Admits that he “went to the occasional” Star Trek convention. Wow.

This Week
Sens. Hagel and Reed (video); Joey Cheek (video)

George Stephanopoulos leads with sobering Iraq stats. Was it worth fighting? Chuck Hagel zen: “We are where we are.” A “political settlement” is the key to the future. Sen. Jack Reed says we need to not just “encourage” but to “insist” that the Iraqis get it together. I know those two words mean different things but am confused about how well the distinction will translate.

Hagel: “We need to stop this talk about ‘we’re not going to leave until we’ve achieved victory.’ What does victory mean? Saddam’s gone, they have an elected government. We’ll never be out of there.”

Rumsfeld, on the other hand, is in something of a quagmire: “the Secretary has a difficult assignment to assign some credibility to the current policy… we have a responsibility to think about consequences… not just the high cost of lives, but in our national credibility… i think we need to talk to the Iranians… this is a time for some wide view and intense thinking.”

On civil war in Iraq: “Our own generals have told me that. So that’s a fact.”

Jack Reed: “If we’re in a civil war, we need to protect our forces… it might become just like Lebanon, we won’t be the ones to decide if we stay or go…. [Rumsfeld] should have thought about [postwar Germany] before we sent too few troops.”

And now, the most random panel of authors with books about Iraq ever assembled. You thought not possible, but really, what do Michael Gordon, Christopher Hitchens, Jackie Spinner have in common? Begins with Hitch (whom he calls “Chris”), asks about second thoughts. And I, for one, think that this will be the moment that Hitch chooses to say, “You know what? Total fuck up. Nevermind.”

Turns out he does not say that.

Michael Gordon says that the military does have second thoughts. I would like to see Gordon interview Hitch directly. “People can debate if it was a just war or not, but the costs were disproportionately high for the United States and Iraqis.”

Hitch then says, “Do you mind if I make a point for Mr. Gordon?” Uh, sure… Then he spins out a theory that the the insurrection after the fall of Baghdad is actually the same thing that would have happened under Saddam. So the reason we invaded was…?

Spinner says Iraqis used to want running water and electricity. Now, “they just want the violence to stop.”

George to Hitch: “You seem not to agree.”

Pause to note how awesome Hitch looks: the light khaki jacket and week’s worth of beard could not make him look more like a debauched colonialist unless he was. Oh, wait…

Hitch just justified the war as a training exercise. “Don’t tell me we’re not going to need those kinds of fighting skills in the future.”

And the panel is AN alumni reunion: George Will, Sam Donaldson and Cokie Roberts. Lead in with opinion poll breakdown (bad for President). Will just says it: “We need to define victory down.” On to Republicans and budget doubletalk and uselessness of line-item veto. Will says that a line-item veto would just make Congress think that all budgetary restraint lies with the President.

Censure discussion leads with Pelosi saying she doesn’t understand why anyone would censure at this point. “Couldn’t even get Nancy Pelosi,” says George S. Donaldson stumbles through Feingold’s name to get to weirdest metaphor of the say: “Russ Feingold threw the long ball… but it might connect, as the Washington Redskins learned in the mid-70s.” Will says that “Feingold’s point was to please the blogosphere.”

Speaking of pleasing the blogosphere, there is apparently a new feature at ABCNews.com: “The Green Room.” Please supply your own bad coffee.

Showbiz segment: Joey Cheek and Darfur awareness, the only good thing to come out of the Olympics besides Bode Miller’s humiliation.

Meet the Press
Netcast; podcast

Ah, it’s Gen. Casey again, making his square-jawed pitch for progress in Iraq. Now taking bets on how long it is before Tim Russert asks about Time.com’s “Operation Swarmer failed to live up to hype” piece…. Too late, he asked! Casey simply denies accuracy of Time article and then Tim does the thing that makes me grind my teeth when people talk about his “tough” interviewing style: HE DOES NOT FOLLOW UP! Time runs a piece that devastates both the rationale and supposed outcome of the “largest air assault in Iraq since 2003,” the general denies it and then: NEXT QUESTION, which is simply, “Will there be any more major combat operations in Iraq?” Guess he didn’t have any more long quotes on title cards to offer. Sheesh.

Wait, wait, perhaps that was a clever set up. Casey’s response about major operations is that “it depends on the enemy and where they’ve massed to meet us.” Which is not a “no.” AND YET — roll tape — doesn’t that phrase “major combat operation” sound familiar? Then Casey just denies that Swarmer was a major combat operation.

I see where Tim is going with all this but Jesus is this really the point?

On to government building and the sense that it’s not going so well: “People need to not think so much about what they’ve seen on television,” says Casey. Basically they should think about what Casey says. There is no civil war, troops are fine, the problem is getting a government set up, but, really, it’s all going better than you’d think! Unless you thought only about what I tell you to think about, in which case, you’d know how well things are going. Also, timetables aid the terrorists, but “benchmarks” don’t!

Okay, I take it all back about Tim for this priceless, when-did-you-stop-beating-your-wife question: “Did you imagine the insurgency would be as bloody and robust as it is?” Casey sputters. BRAIN FREEZE. ADMIT PROBLEMS? NOT IN TALKING POINTS! SHIT! Then, finally, “I did not think it would be as robust as it has been.” I thought it would be soft annd warm and fuschia-colored.

“Last week, I went out and drove around Baghdad for three hours just to get my own sense of what the people are feeling.” It is a good sign that the head of the allied forces in Iraq has three hours to kill? And then there’s what he saw: “There’s a lot of bustle, Tim…. and the traffic cops are wearing white shirts and ties, not armored vests.” Fuck, OUR TROOPS don’t have body armor.

Tim: “Can you continue to conduct a war without the consent of the American people?” Uhm, apparently.

Now we turn to John Murtha, who declares, “This is George Bush’s war.” They have “mishandled and mischaracterized it,” and jokes “they said they were going to hand over a majority of the country to Iraqi control. Well, I flew over desert for hours and hours and that must be the part that Iraqis control because they don’t control the Sunni triangle.”

Murtha says his vote for the war “was a mistake, a bad mistake.” Says we can go back but we have no business being there now. “We’ve lost the hearts and minds of the people… we have to give them the incentive to take over their own country.” Just noting: If 80 percent of the people don’t want us there anyway, isn’t that a huge incentive? He believes Rummy should resign and if you could fire a vice president, well… He’s actually pretty good, asking for specific metrics of progress: employment, battalions, electricity. And boy, is he mad: “They’re using American helicopters! You think they fool the Americans when they say that? They say 75 percent of the control will be under control of Iraqis, well, 75 percent of the country is desert!” Also my favorite: “Is it going to be a civil war? IT IS A CIVIL WAR!”

Oh and I kinda zoned out and then: A disembodied voice interrupted Tim and Murtha to say, “Last week, on the West Wing,” followed by garbled fake Mamet prose under the jabbering of Tim/Murtha. Wait, it’s still happening! Technical snafu or AWESOME SUBLIMINAL MARKETING? I so want to watch the “The West Wing” now. Also: I cannot wait for the moment when all the nets start broadcasting their entertainment programing across their Sunday-show broadcasts. “FNS” would be so much more endurable with “King of the Hill” and “Simpsons” dialogue in the background. And “This Week” would be so much less soporific with “Desperate Housewives” humping within hearing range.

In his final words, Tim continues to pretend that being a sports fan somehow makes you more likable: “How about those Boston College Eagles? On to the Sweet Sixteen” — holds up fist in mild pumping gesture — “Go Eagles.” Ah, we may be fucking up the Middle East, but we�ll always have the Final Four.

Chatology: Passing the Buck

In this edition of Chatology, Department of Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff pulls a half-Ginsburg, spinning through both Meet the Press and This Week. On various issues, Chertoff blames Michael Brown, Mary Matalin blames the media, Joe Lieberman blames Chertoff, Evan Bayh blames the Democrats, and David Gregory blames himself. Random wisdom from Ari Fleischer: “You can be right and still be bonkers.” Speaking of which: Cheney is “almost like the wizard dealing with the muggles” — Howard Fineman.

Full rundown and highlights after the jump.

[Ed. note: Don’t miss Ana Marie Cox’s appearance at the National Press Club, this Wednesday, February 22, at 6:30 PM. For more details, as well as information about how to obtain tickets to this free event, click here.]

Hot topics:
• Were you aware that the vice president shot a man in the face? Funny because it’s true!
• Sale of American ports to Dubai Ports World, a company headquartered in the terrorist-friendly (or at least agnostic) United Arab Emirates.
• Playing the Katrina blame game.
• Hamas/FISA in scary world-shaking tie for last place.
(Either issue would have been a more grown up topic for discussion than the top three actual winners.)

One hit wonders:
• Shaquille O’Neal vows to be sheriff “somewhere, someplace” post-NBA career. (“This Week”)
• Bob Shieffer hearts Rummy: “Frankly, I like the guy.” (“Face the Nation”)

Quotes to live by:
• Matalin defends Cheney: “He was not following the ‘convention rules’ but he wasn’t doing anything invalid.”
• Former Senator Alan Simpson goes Dan Rather on us: “Let me tell you, those who don’t like him have put a big red tail on his bum, and cloven hooves, and horns on his head. And let me tell you,
if anybody thinks ‘if this had happened to anybody else in America,’ it would have been like a sparrow belch in a typhoon.”
• Gregory apologizes: “I’m the only one here representing the White House press corps, I think one thing we may have missed this week is empathy for the vice president.” Just what we need: Anderson Cooper, White House correspondent.
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Meet the Press
Transcript, webcast, podcast

First up: Michael Chertoff. He looks less John Waters, but he is wearing a very gay pale green tie. Still looks a little like Skeletor. Gay Skeletor. Is telling Russert in response to Congressional “Failure of Initiative” Report that he’s going to work “24-7 to make this department as great as it can be.” Will also give 110 percent? What about thinking outside the box? We worry when the person in charge of defending us against terrorism starts sounding like Ricky Gervais.

Touts the “success” story of the Coast Guard’s evacuations. I suppose if you don’t consider the need for emergency evacuations themselves as a problem… Katrina: The Mother Of All Mistakertunities.

Ah, the Katrina finger pointing game. Like spin the bottle but what’s being whirled around is the deaths of hundreds of people. Chertoff says that before the hurricane, he asked, “Is there anything you need from us?” He reports that “I was told we’ve got everything we needed.” Wow — that buck passed faster than a White Castle Value Meal.

“We have to acknowledge that this hurricane is simply overwhelming… you’ll never have a catastrophe that will not have its …share of suffering and not have its pain… we aspire to do a lot better but we have to be realistic about the nature of the challenge.” Chertoff now blames God. Or, wait, in his testimony he said, “Is this not just an inherent overwhelming challenge, but is Mike Brown not up to this?” Never mind God — you’re in the clear.

On Brownie doing a “heck of a job”: “Brown had been up for practically every night for the past few days… we were in the middle of the event and we were trying to keep everyone’s spirits up… as a human matter, you want to reach out and pat them on the back. You want to buck them up.” Hey, I think the people outside the convention center also could have used — as a human matter — a pat on the back. That and some water.

Further defending the lack of a decision to boot Brown’s ass back to the stables: “That’s not the time for doing finger-pointing or doing brutal assessments of people’s performance.” Actually, I’d say that if people are are not managing well during the disaster, that would be a good time to fire them. Before, you know, it gets worse. That’s not “finger pointing;” it’s managing.

Tim asks about fraud: “$150 dollars for products at Condoms to Go. How does that happen?” Yeah, that’s been bugging me — how do you spend hundreds of dollars ON CONDOMS? Gold plated French ticklers? Crystal encrusted cock rings?

Speaking of cock-ups: Tim asks about the $850 million in mobile homes in Arkansas that can’t be used. “Oh, they will be used!” says Chertoff. “It’s just a question of where they go.” It’s just that, well, some places are flooded and other places don’t want a thousand trailers installed in their town. So it’s unclear where they’ll go or get used. Maybe for those displaced by the Western wildfires, he says. In which case we’ll send them to Delaware.

Chertoff’s objection to disassembling DHS: “Catastrophes don’t come labeled. Sometimes you know it’s a natural disaster, sometimes you know it’s a terrorist act, sometimes you don’t know!” Here’s a hint: Terrorists unlikely to use hurricanes. God unlikely to use commercial airplanes.

Query about port purchases by a company from Dubai, aka The United Arab Emirates — a country with multiple connections to the 9/11 attack — receives this response: “We require a very careful review.” Also we need to maintain a “robust trading environment.” Translation: US companies won’t guard our ports for what the government pays.

“What comfort can we take in knowing that the DHS is protecting us?” asks Tim. Not really so much. “It’s an immature department.” Well, it certainly looks childish now.

Panel time with Maureeen Dowd, Paul Gigot, David Gregory, Mary Matalin.

First question to Matalin. Cheney says it’s his fault, but originally didn’t Armstrong say Whittington “did not follow protocol”?

OMG WHAT IS THAT ON MATALIN’S CHEST!! A triffid? Some kind of hideous weapon? Duck, David Gregory, duck! Also her hair seems to be levitating. And she’s wearing one of those Star Trek jackets that seem to be standard issue for the women on the chat shows these days.

Anyway: She says that the veep’s immediate reaction was one of “profuse apologies.” Apparently, wire stories are less accurate than local stories which are reported by people who “understand the culture of Texas.” Where people apparently get shot in the face all the time. Insert don’t mess with joke here.

Why the delay to talk to the sheriff? Why wait 14 hours? “It took the Washington Post an entire week to speak to the culture of rural enforcement in hunting area of South Texas… there’s a presumption of accident!” I would not want to get shot in rural Texas.

The alcohol question. Armstrong said that there was no drinking during the hunt. But the veep had a beer! “Should we take him at his word that it was a beer?” Matalin asks “Does anyone here believe that the Secret Service would let the vice president drink and then go out and hunt?” Wait, it’s the SECRET SERVICE’S responsibility to make sure you don’t drink and handle fire arms? No wonder so many other people in South Texas get shot in the face.

Pressed on whether Cheney should have reported the incident earlier, Matalin resorts to massive, clawlike air quotes: “The problem with these ‘rules’ is that people think they’re inviolate…. He was not following the ‘convention rules’ but he wasn’t doing anything invalid.” Sort of like how leaking the name of an undercover CIA agent is not following “conventional rules.” Amazing how quickly the administration has discarded the “infallible neocon” image for the “snowboarding Mountain Dew pitchman” one.

I think David Gregory must be tied down in his chair to not jump in during this. He’s like a caged tiger by now. A caged monkey.

Oh there’s Gregory. He’s smiling a tight, rictus smile, but not without some delight.

Matalin prattles on about how there was a “human response before a political response.” I bet that dial tested well.

Now to Gregory. Clip of the great Scotty-David bout, recitiation of the gaggle “jerk” exchange. They’ve found the most unflattering, grim photo of Gregory to run with it. But listen, he’s been taking lessons from Cheney: He apologies, he regrets doing it. Why? “As my wife has reminded me, you should never speak that way… and it created a diversion.” The non-apology apology. “I’m sorry if what I did made you mad.”

And the apology gets wobblier: “They can go after us for the way we try to get answers, but I don’t apologize for pushing hard for answers.” But, wait, isn’t that how you try to get answers? Proceeds to wrap self in flag, sort of. “We are the proxy of the American people!” Sadly, I think more Americans identify with Scott McClellan. Except, you know, Scott doesn’t sway anywhere near so dreamily when he listens to Hillary Duff.

Tim reads from Paul Gigot’s painfully obvious “satire” of the press corp’s agenda. He is disappointed in them. “I think scandal standards are declining in Washington if this becomes another big huge scandal that’s supposed to be a metaphor for government.” Yeah, it’s a real step down from, oh, let’s say Whitewater.

To MoDo with the TIME poll saying that Americans are pretty divided on the handling of the shooting, they think he’s secretive, and that it was an accident. Basically your typically scattershot CW. As it were. MoDo compares him to “The Shadow.” What, not “V for Vendetta”? (Geeking out, I must point out that the Shadow was a force of good.) She does imply that he destroys democratic institutions. Fashion note: She’s wearing a gold brocade Star Trek uniform.

Matalin mocks the idea that anyone in the Washington press corps would adhere to “the process” of informing the press in general about major executive branch events like the veep shooting someone in the face. “I suppose if I called David here” and she wanted tell him and only him, “neither he nor any of his colleagues would say, ‘No, let’s go through the procress, let’s call the pool.’” I think the point she WANTS to make is that the WH reporters are jealous of the Corpus Christie Shopper or whatever but I’m not sure that anyone (even Gregory) thinks that he should been called instead of the Corpus Christie Shopper. Okay, maybe Gregory thinks that but he would never say it.

I thought Gregory was being sedate. I think now he’s sedated. Asks if the veep office handled it so well, then why the big interview with Brit? Matalin: “Because you went on a jihad against us.” Gregory: “I don’t know if that’s the best word to use.” Snap! Gregory all but rolls his eyes and shoots his cuffs. Matalin: “Oh were you saving up for that line?” (Complete non sequitour.)

MoDo says something about Geneva conventions, Iraq, FISA. Matalin pats her hair with mock casualness and boredom like the leader of a girl gang about to fillet some chick. Gigot says that “FISA is a little different than a shooting incident.” True: Eventually they told the press about the shooting incident.

Roll clip of Hillary talking about secretiveness of administration. Matalin says Hillary should have come out and talked about how we should pass our thoughts and prayers to Mr. Whittington and then maybe disagreed about policy. Then “Maureen Dowd, the diva of the smart set, would be swooning.” Cut to MoDo. Not swooning.

Gregory wants to put his fingers in the human feeling pit: “I’m the only one here representing the White House press corps, I think one thing we may have missed this week is empathy for the vice president.” Where is the angry monkey man I have come to love? EMPATHY FOR THE VICE PRESIDENT? Hello, he shot someone and then didn’t tell anyone. Imagine Woodward and Bernstein: “You know, Nixon has been having a really rough time…”

Paul Gigot bemoans how every political debate in Washington “immediately goes to DefCon 1.” We need to acknowledge the “human factor.” BUT THE VICE PRESIDENT ISN’T HUMAN.

Matalin insists that they didn’t have a complete set of facts, and that “an evolving set of facts” is worse than “no facts.” How comforting. Okay, the shooting incident may not be a metaphor for Iraq, but that effort to spin it sure as hell is.

Tim brings up Al Gore’s Saudi Arabia comments (a story “pushed by the conservative blogs”), Gigot says that the idea that we’re “rounding up Arabs” is crazy. One free trip to Gitmo for Paul, eh?

MoDo’s final thoughts: Mary Matalin “had a very difficult job in making the vice president appear human.” It would help if he removed the robotic arm.
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This Week
Podcast

Opener pairs Cheney’s admission that shooting his pal was “one of the worst days of my life” and Michael Chertoff’s plea that overseeing Katrina was “one of the most difficult and traumatic experiences of my life.” I think I speak for both those who have been shot in the face and Katrina vitims when I say, these people need to suffer more.

George calls Cheney shooting “the watercooler story of the week,” a nice way to avoid admitting that an Arab company buying U.S. ports might matter more but isn’t as interesting.

Chertoff first up. Says that Katrina also created “significant successes,” though I have yet to hear him cite anyone else but the Coast Guard. George asks how come it took so long to learn the levees had broken. Chertoff says that his staff wanted to verify it BUT that now, he’s made it known he “would rather get half-verified information earlier, with the warning that it’s not verified, rather than waiting for people to feel like they have to prove it.” He really should speak to someone in the vice president’s office about that.

Yet he’s not sure if knowing that the levees had broken would have made anything any better.

By the way, the Coast Guard did a great job.

Clip of Mike Brown giving Chertoff a C-minus and mocks him for being a “judge by training.” Chertoff, “well, I fired him, clearly, he’s not going to be happy with me.” Of Brown’s contention that Chertoff “made him stay in Baton Rogue,” Chertoff says, well, “when I talked to him earlier, he was flying around, I think he was about to go on Larry King or Rita Cosby,” which is apparently something you don’t do until later.

Repeats talking point that he asked if FEMA needed anything AND THEY SAID THEY DID. Also says that next hurricane season is only 100 days away. Funny you mention that, says George…

Chertoff reels off some improvements, mainly about communications and resources. George: “Do you regret not doing that before Katrina?” Chertoff: “Well, I wasn’t there for the budget before Katrina…” Whoops! Where did that buck go now?

WSJ says five people have rejected “overtures” to take the FEMA job. Chertoff denies that “overtures” have been made but they are “talking to a lot of people.” Clearly the man does not put out on the first date.

Dubai port sale question. “Actual details of discussion are classified.” But, rest assured, they’re reviewing it. In this context one is not reassured.

Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-ish) and Rep. Tom Davis (R-VA)

Should Chertoff resign? “Secretary Chertoff failed to do his job.” Not an answer? The Secretary did not take advantage of early declaration of disaster, he didn’t move in transportation… and it’s a duet: Davis says that Chertoff is “doing a pretty good job on the terrorist side,” but “response is different.”

Did the Congressional Republicans “wall off the White House” from criticism? Davis said that litigation over executive privilege would have delayed report. Have you heard from the White House? “I haven’t gotten a congratulatory call, if that’s what you mean.” What, no human-feeling pat on the back?

Lieberman wants to destroy FEMA in order to save it. Keep it inside DHS, but break it down and rebuild it.

Port sale issue. Lieberman admits his first thought is, “Why did we let that happen?” He says he wants to know more about failure to invest in port security rather than this sale, but the sale of a port does strikes me as a security issue of sorts.

Panel! Cokie, George Will and Katrina vanden Huevel.

Katrina with some good passive aggressive pinko spin: she’s glad the press found its backbone but “let’s not ask tough questions about an accidental incident, let’s ask about Cheney cherry picking intelligence to mislead us into war, using intelligence to retaliate against critics of this war…”

Will thinks this is “a press story about a press story about press story”… inside a wheel inside a plan inside burrito. Cokie says that the press is “in danger of looking out of touch.” If she thinks that they’re only in danger of it, she might be the one out of touch.

Would like to note that despite everyone agreeing that this is a non-story or at least only a symbolic one, discussion continues. Katrina says that the way the story has been handled implies “a danger not to the enemies of the administration but to their friends.” Well, yes: They might get shot in the face.

Will makes a reference to Whittington refusing to “let his inner Oprah come out.” Not sure what outlet she’d use. The mind reels.

Clip of Rice on the Hill, “taking a pounding.” I am positive that it was her first time. Are we headed toward “foreign policy overload?” I have no idea what this means but George Will is confident that we are
fighting the good fight. “In Iran, the Secretary has it exactly right.”

Katrina has negative charisma and the mien of a recently divorced Montessori school teacher. And is as successful in debate with anyone over 13. She thinks we should “engage” Hamas. Cokie running the table on this one, actually though in short she thinks it’s “not a black and white issue.”

George wants to know why a new poll shows Republicans to be happier than Democrats. Katrina mangles the title of the song “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” She is the whitest of the white white people there. George Will has more rhythm. He also says that Republicans are happy because they’re pessimists, “and pessimists are usually right, but are delighted when they’re wrong.”

Obligatory ABC self-whoring segment: Interview with Shaquille O’Neal. (NBA All-Star Game is on later. On ABC later.) It is not as hard hitting as the Daily Show interview. He fully plans on being “sheriff somewhere, someplace” after he gets done playing. I predict a drop in crime.

George wonders of late night comics, post-Cheney accident, “what are they going to do for material next week?” I dunno, George, what about you?
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Face the Nation
Transcript (PDF), Frist interview

Senator Bill First first.

Oh fuck — Elisabeth Bumiller’s co-hosting again. Guess they want to appeal that crucial younger demographic of under 60 year olds.

Bob Schieffer unspools TIME scooplet that Bush himself had to lean on Cheney to talk to the press. Frist — he’s a doctor, did you know that? — says that, as a doctor, his concerns are with the patient. He doesn’t know about the TIME story, but what “America doesn’t want” is for the Democratic leaders to jump in and make it a partisan issue. He’s AMERICA’s doctor.

Schieffer wonders why didn’t Cheney come forward… “He wasn’t thinking straight, and clearly, WHO WOULD, thinking he’d killed his best friend.” This is an angle I had not considered.

OMG WHAT IS BUMILLER WEARING!?!? Lime green leather flasher jacket. Who dresses these women? Let alone who cuts their hair. Lime green jacket must also belong to the New Jersey mechanic who Bumiller stole her hair from.

Bumiller presses for Frist’s opinion on how shooting was handled. He demurs: “I’m running another body. The legislative branch of government was not involved at all.” They could never agree when to pull the trigger anyway. Fun fact: “We leave pellets, bullets in people all the time.”

Schieffer gets very jocular in announcing that “we’re moving off this subject… I take it you’d like that.” Onto FISA! First says he “believes… KNOWS that the program is Constitutional.” Obviously one of those distance diagnoses that Frist is so good at. Is his sense that the FISA law will have to be re-written? Can’t say. It may be that “we need more statutory discipline.” Mmmm… statutory discipline.

Bumiller whipsaws into medicare program. “What went wrong?” Frist starts explaining that when you take 25 million people and put them in a brand new federal program, you’re going to have some “bumps.” Denies it’ll be a liability in 06. “We’re giving them drugs!” That does seem like a winning issue.

Schieffer quizzes re lobbying scandal. (The rapid fire dueling anchors seems to be rattling Frist, btw.) He predicts strong lobbying reform bill on the floor within weeks. “Much further disclosure, much further transparency…” which sounds almost as sexy as statutory discipline. Didn’t Ashcroft get the statutory covered up?

Barbara Boxer joins from Rancho Mirage, California, sitting in front of a cozy log fire.

She says the Cheney incident “speaks to the vice president’s penchant for secrecy… what really resonates are all the mistakes the administration is making and not admitting,” manages to tie hunting accident to Iraq, Medicare bill, and Katrina. Claims the administration is hurting “millions of people.” Perhaps the cozy log fire has cut off some oxygen supply to the room.

Dubai/port operations. Boxer complains that “it is ridiculous to say you’re taking ‘secret steps’” to make sure that nation with ties to 9/11 can take over port operations. I think she’s tempted to tie it to the hunting accident but stops herself. “This should be a no brainer… What is all this secrecy, anyway?”

Schieffer asks why it would so bad for this company to be running our ports. Boxer says she’s against ANY foreign company running our ports, which seems a little extreme and also unclear on what the dangers are. On to Medicare bill: The more that people find out that it was crafted to benefit drugs companies, the more they’ll turn against Republicans. I believe it’s possible that her entire segment has been completely content free, and that the more people find out what a FIASCO the Medicare bill is, the more they’ll hate the government.

I think Boxer’s sweater and Bumiller’s jacket should fight. I wonder who would win.

Democrats don’t just attack something something we want to change things for the better something Abramoff… that fire looks pretty.

Schieffer all up in her face about lobbying specifics. Boxer says private sector funded trips should be outlawed, except for “think tanks, foundations.” Which is a loop hole big enough for Abramoff and an entire Indian tribe to walk through.

Fun fact: Donald Rumsfeld and Bob Schieffer have been “arguing for thirty years.”
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Fox News Sunday
Sens. Lindsey Graham and Evan Bayh interview, Alan Simpson interview

Chris Wallace asks Evan Bayh if accusing Republicans of having “arrogance of power” is the kind of thing that makes “Democrats look silly.” I would say it makes Democrats look like they’re paying attention, if slightly hysterical. When Democrats wear clown shoes,
it makes them look silly. (Have you SEEN Pelosi lately?)

HOWEVER: Bayh says Chris Wallace has a point. “He has a respectful difference of opinion on the magnitude of this issue” with other Democratic leaders. Graham says that Cheney is one of the best hunters he’s ever hunted with and a “nice man.” Also, let’s move on. Wallace has ONE more question. Is this White House too secret? Lindsay Graham says the concern was Whittington’s privacy. And, hey, “mistakes were made.” (No shit, he said that.)

To Bayh (adorable curl to the side of his forehead — call it the Presidential curl), something about how if Democrats question the President over the NSA wiretap, shouldn’t voters continue to see them as “too weak and soft”? Silly AND weak AND soft? That’s it: the Democrats are TOTALLY GAY! Bayh says that, well, that is a perception. This administration has been tough, but that’s not enough, “we need to be tough and smart.” (Silly, weak, soft, and SMART? Get out the ass-less chaps already!)

To Graham: Has the Senate be tough but dumb? Graham says he has a “theme,” which also sounds kind of gay, actually. On NSA wire taps he proposes that it be more “flexible and relevant” but with more Congressional review. Congress, the judiciary, and executive branch should be “all together, reading off the same sheet of music.” I know I should stop making the gay jokes but…

Bayh argues that it is in the administration’s best interest to have oversight on this, or else “some Americans will think J. Edgar Hoover has come back.” Must. Stop. The. Gay. Jokes.

Dubai port issue. “We gotta look into this company,” says Bayh. “There can’t be a choice between profits and the American people.” (Unless it’s health care.) It’s “not smart to outsource our port security.” These seem like sensible statements. Is he running for President? Graham: “It’s unbelievably tone deaf, politically,” to have done this post-9/11. “Why this company, from this region, now?” Oh, I dunno… greed?

Chris Wallace shows poll with Bayh at 3 percent in straw poll. Oh, poor Presidential curl just went limp. “At least give me credit for managing expectations.” Heh. Again with the softness and the
weakness. He probably throws like a girl.

Frmr Sen. Alan Simpson

Mentions being up at “rosy fingered dawn.” Wallace notes that Cheney is “not a touchy feely guy” (unlike the Democrats, he might as well add), Simpson says that he hasn’t talked to Cheney, but “he probably went home to Lynn and put his head on her shoulder and cried” (like a Democrat might).

Should we worry about the toll that this is taking on Dick Cheney, the man? Alan isn’t worried. But, says Chris, “Democrats have taken this opportunity to POUND on the vice president.” (WHY DOES FOX MAKE IT SO HARD?) Simpson calls the “20 hour delay” a “laugher,” “worse than the 18 minute gap” on the Nixon tape.

Noonan prediction of replacing Cheney? “Well, we have a word for it, but we won’t use it here, out here in the wild west.” Cow poopy is I believe what they say. Simpson also says that people who don’t like Cheney “have put a big red tail on his bum, and cloven hooves, and horns on his head.” (Red. Tail. On. Bum. I don’t know how to continue…) Oh but wait: “And let me tell you, if anybody thinks — if this had happened to anybody else in America, it would have been like a sparrow belch in a typhoon.” Or a black person in a hurricane?

A final word on the Washington press corps from Simpson: Following them, “you’ll never know the good. All you get is controversy, crap and confusion.” New Fox slogan?

Panel with the usual gang — Brit Hume, Mara Liasson, Bill Kristol, Juan Williams

Hume says “it was a slow news week in Washington.” Yeah, about 20 hours.

Mara Liasson notes that the story did not require a lot of reporting: “It was pretty easy to understand: The vice president shoots somebody.” Hey I’m not appalled by what she’s wearing! Finally some news.

Kristol mocks TIME for putting it on the cover, making it seem “dark and ominous.” Yeah, how silly. It’s not like the vice president shot somebody… Juan Williams thinks that it’s a “metaphor for a lot of things” then mention something about Jimmy Carter and the “killer
rabbit”…

Hume calls the press corps a “pack of jackals.” Clearly disgusted. I think his eyebrows might move. Mara Liasson says that the late night comics did more to keep this alive than the press corps. Hm. Wallace asks Kristol if he ever took the president’s direction when he ran the vice president’s press shop under Bush One. Enigmatic smile. “Sometimes.” Asserts that the current vice president’s political judgement is BETTER than the White House staff’s (!), who always “panic” if they get bad press for one day. Evidently it’s now a sign of official competence to be facing four counts of perjury. Mimes panic, throws up hands, asks, “Did the President have a major speech this week? On health care or something?”

Asks Hume about criticism that he gave Cheney a soft interview. “The only way he would get this over with is to answer every question within reason.” He realized the veep “was ready to answer and NEEDED to answer.” “Except for the silly newsweeklies, this is over.”

NEWSWEEKLIES: ALSO GAY.

Dubai issue: Juan points out that it’s upset the Republican base more than anyone else. Hume thinks it’s a political issue, not a security issue, but the admin will have to do something to reverse course. Kristol notes the irony that the President is tough on eavesdropping, not so much on sale of ports.

Human rights group calls for closing of Gitmo. Juan compares this to general bad international publicity for US policy. Hume is more upset about the leak of (illegal) security bases in Europe led to losing those bases. The ones we knew about, I guess. First the rendition centers, then the NSA taps: the press isn’t letting the administration enjoy its unitary power the way god and Bill Frist intended it to!

Power Player of the Week: Producing Director of Ford’s Theater. No reason to make a gay joke now.

——-

Short takes:

• Reliable Sources
Rare Ari Fleischer sighting! He thinks shooting story could be handled better, sooner and it could have faded faster. He would have gone to the press either Saturday night or Sunday morning. It’s the rare event that makes Fleischer look like consummate communications pro. Of the press corps: “You can be right and still be bonkers.” Was his skin always this bad? Dana Milbank on the real Fuddgate: “Perhaps I’ll skip the hat next time… but I was really just celebrating the colors of the Dutch national ice skating team.” Half-news, half-shtick… and counting. Also, Arianna Huffington touted a lot of “contagious video” mocking Cheney on HuffPo.

• Chris Matthews
Howard Fineman thinks Cheney incident is “Cheney’s Katrina” (huh?) and that “he’s almost like the wizard dealing with the muggles” (what the fuck?). Curiously hard line from Mr. Fineman. THERE WAS A LOT OF
SHOUTING. A rare unanimous Matthews Meter! Apparently Cheney is something of a negative. Chris proposed that Cheney would move to Washington and become an “eminence gris” and take some future George Bush under his wing. THERE WAS A LOT OF SHOUTING about how this was preposterous. Things Chris didn’t know: Scooter more of an embarrassment than the hunting accident for Cheney (Gloria Borger); el Baraday about to become the Bush’s best friends over uniting again
Iran (Fineman); there is no conspiracy to turn Louisiana into a red state (Julia Reed); big Republican donors love John McCain (Michael Duffy).

Wonk’d: Celebrities Have To Eat, Too

Thanks for continuing to keep us well-stocked in the celebrity sightings department — and please keep them coming, by email (with “Wonk’d” somewhere in the subject line).

Most of this week’s items involve celebrities and eating — either dining out at restaurants or shopping for food. After the jump, this week’s crop, including Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe, looking hot; Cokie Roberts, shooting our correspondent a dirty look; Sen. Jeff Sessions, slumming it; and George Lucas, talking trash about Dick Cheney.

I accidentally almost killed Cokie Roberts yesterday [Tues. 2/14], coming out of the Dean and Deluca on M Street. I pushed open the center door rather forcefully so I could scurry back to work, and she had just walked in front of the door and had to jump out of the door’s way. She gave me a dirty look, followed immediately by my apology and a fearful look that she had been “recognized.” Obviously, she was, but she was coming out of D&D, not the Pleasure Palace. By the way, she looked petite, conservatively dressed, and didn’t appear to have bought any groceries. How I wish I had her self-control in that place…

Saw Laura Bush at the zoo on Tuesday [2/14] — and, even better still, Butterstick!!! [Ed. note: Here is a photo.]

George Lucas was on the Hill today [Tues. 2/14] - during the final question [in Q&A] he insinuated that Cheney is like the Emperor from star wars - because he runs the empire from behind, in secret. he also commented that now he was afraid of getting hit by birdshot.

Today [Mon. 2/13] at about 1 p.m. in Union Station’s food court, I witnessed what must surely be the saddest fallout yet from the Abramoff scandal: a member of the World’s Greatest Deliberative Body being forced to eat lunch at Johnny Rockets (“Rocket’s”? “Rockets’”? I guess I really don’t care; the AP Stylebook gives me no guidance here; the point is, it wasn’t La Colline, Bistro Bis or Charlie Palmer). I was meeting a friend for a quick bite when I spied the diminutive Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Munchkinland) dining with a group of no lipped whiteboys that looked to include his press guy and other staffers and/or lobbyists. They certainly all looked like Republicans, that’s for sure.

Shortly after I recognized [Sen. Sessions], the group stood (although it was hard to tell that the Senator was standing up) and left, creating room for a sudden wave of junior-high-aged kids all brandishing what appeared to be some sort of voucher that must be spendable at Johnny Rockets. We paid our check and beat a hasty retreat, leaving a wait staff who looked more terrified than the Post’s DeNeen Brown after a minor snowstorm. But it was fun to note that approximately half these 13-year-olds (mostly girls, of course) were taller than the Senator from Alabama.

Maureen Dowd was at indeblue for dinner on Wed. night [2/15].

Passed Dr. Sanjay Gupta of CNN on 16th St., near Lafayette Park, a couple days ago. He walked down the street and into the St. Regis.

Friday night [2/10] I saw Reese Witherspoon, Ryan Phillipe, and their two kids at Kinkeads. She’s gorgeous and shorter than I expected, he’s hot and even hotter than I expected, the two kids are pretty cute and better behaved than I expected for Hollywood offspring but my rare tuna steak was not as good as I expected (can’t win them all). The waitstaff was completely falling all over themselves to catch a look at them. I was too pissed to have paid $30 for bad tuna to look too much, but Ryan sure is a DILF. Reese is very lucky.

Saw Lisa Ling today [Fri. 2/10] at the Whole Foods in Dupont picking up lunch to feed her tiny frame, which looked even tinier in her huge faux-fur lined denim jacket. I’m assuming its faux-fur, I mean would she wear real fur? Maybe Star Jones, but not Lisa!

I saw the original Wonkette (Ana Marie Cox) yesterday [Sun. 2/12] while walking my dog. Walked by Ana and her husband outside of Aroma Co. They looked confused as to why it was closed. Mr. (Original) Wonkette smiled at my dog, while Ana wore her red hair tucked up into a knit beret while typing on her Treo.

Speaking of Original Wonkette: Don’t miss her appearance this coming Wednesday at the National Press Club! For details on how to obtain your free tickets, click here.

cokie roberts

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Chatology: Defining Victory Down

Chatology: Passing the Buck

Wonk’d: Celebrities Have To Eat, Too

READ MORE: Personalities, ana marie cox, butterstick, cokie roberts, famous-for-dc, famous-for-famous, george lucas, jeff sessions, laura bush, lisa ling, maureen dowd, original wonkette, reese witherspoon, ryan phillipe, sanjay gupta, wonk’d