Town Hall Debate: Sort of Half-Assed Live Blogging

9:00 Charlie Gibson’s gonna hold them to their time limits “forcefully but politely.” Funny, that’s what we like about Mr. Wonkette.
9:03 Kerry pats Bush on the back! Checking for that wire…
9:05 Weapon of mass deception! Hey, that’s a… joke!
9:07 “I can see why your colleagues think he changes his position a lot… Because he does!” Bush was like wetting his pants to say that. And so he said it again!
9:09 Is it just me, or does Bush get more drawly when he’s talking to, uhm, “a group of folks”?
9:14 Global test! Global test! Global test! Bush is so psyched. He’s going to start jumping up and down and clapping his hands if someone asks about “frivolous lawsuits.”
9:18 Bush: “I talk to Tony Blair all the time! He has an easy name!” (Also: He’s not sighing, but he is about to throttle John Kerry.)
9:21 Love it when Bush talks about not joining the International Criminal Court. Do average Americans know what that is or do they think he’s talking about the Superfriends?
9:23 Kerry meets with foreign leaders. Good thing Bush is in semi-hysterics or that would be an opening for him.
9:27 Bush is grinding his teeth into stumps. Oh, fuck: “That answer almost made me want to scowl.” … Uhm. Yeah. I think I could hear crickets. I mean, that joke bombed. Bombed like a bad war.
9:29 Oh, yes. The rumors on the “internets.” The interweb. Whatever. You have to excuse him… he mainly just uses it for porn.
9:31 Hmmmm… back door draft …
9:33 Good thing that no one really knows who Charlie Gibson is, or Bush steamrolling over him like a grumpy elderly driver would probably get noticed.
9:37Shorter Bush: “Stop fucking with me! Stop it! Stop fucking with me!”
9:39 The voice in his ear just told him to speak more quietly.
9:40 BREAKING: Canadians want to kill you with their pretend drugs.
9:41 Even worse: There is a third world (Jupiter?) that wants to kill you with its pretend drugs. However, Bush’s plan does let you get a dimebag for just over a buck, if you’re old…
9:42 A reader explains: “third world” means “people who do not look like me.” So we revise our warning: Brown people want to kill you with their pretend drugs.
9:47 Again with the OB-GYNS. Let them practice their love, already. Also: Kerry is the first presidential candidate in history to go out of his way to remind people he’s a lawyer.
9:49 Bush just called Kerry “Kennedy.” He wishes. (Both of them.) Also: Kerry won an award! Yay Kerry!
9:50 Also: Yelling about OBGYNS, a reader points out, is not showing them much love at all.
9:53 Hey, wait: Bush comes from a “school of thought”? Where to begin…
9:54 I THINK I AM LOSING MY HEARING BECAUSE BUSH IS SCREAMING SO LOUD.
9:55 Mr. Kerry: Please do not look straight the camera again. You frighten me. (Not as much as BUSH’S SCREAMING, though.)
9:57 Kerry acknowledges wealth of the the men on the stage. Charlie Gibson chuckles, thinks to self, “Yes… yes, I am rich.”
9:59 “BATTLING GREEN EYESHADES!!!!!” Acid flashback? Childhood nightmare?
10:01 “DISEL ENGINES!!!!!!!” Uhm. And then, uhm… “SORE SPOT!!!!!” Yes, yes, the environment is a sore spot for you, Mr. President, clearly…
10:05 Ah, yes, the great halls of Europe. I think I saw Battling Green Eyeshades there once.
10:10 Did the President of the United States really just ask Charlie Gibson if he “needed wood”? Where’s Bob Dole when you really need him…
10:15 Ack. A thoughtful, morally-charged question! But Kerry respects the “feeling behind it.” After all, he’s not pro-stem cell research using cells from “abortions or something like that.” Whatever: Kerry is friends with Superman!
10:18 Shorter Bush: He was against embryonic stem cell research before he was for it.
10:21 Ha! Bush said he’d choose judges based on whether or not they’d vote for him! Ha! Ha! Funny because it’s true.
10:22 Dred Scott case? Wha? Isn’t this teevee? Oh well. At least we know for sure that Bush doesn’t support slavery. Whew.
10:28 Q: Name three times you’ve made a mistake. A: I WAS RIGHT TO GO TO WAR. AND THAT’S A TRICK QUESTION. FUCK YOU.
10:30 Dad Wonkette writes in with his summation: “Kerry waxed Bush’s ass.” And you wonder how I turned out this way.

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