BREAKING: SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE TO BE BLOWN SKY HIGH!

This just in, from a Capitol Hill operative:

This is a message from the U.S. Capitol Police

As part of the U.S. Capitol Police investigation of the suspicious package, the following streets are temporarily closed; Third Street between Independence Avenue SW and Constitution Avenue NW; Maryland Avenue SW between First and Third Streets, SW; Pennsylvania Avenue between First and Third Streets NW; and First street between Independence Avenue SW and Constitution Avenue NW. Furthermore, in approximately 10-15 minutes, a loud, controlled bang may be heard emanating from the west of the reflecting pool area. The above area will remain closed to pedestrian traffic until further notice. MCG

HAPPY MONDAY!!!

Of course, we have some questions. What does a “loud, controlled” bang sound like? How can you tell it apart from the other varieties of “bangs” (e.g., “soft, uncontrolled” bangs)? Who’s going to be doing the exploding? Will bomb-sniffing robots be involved? And where’s Jerry Bruckheimer?

On the downside, it looks like it’s going to fuck up the traffic patterns in that area. But a spectacle like this can justify some sacrifices. If you get to witness this event, please feel free to drop us a line.

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