Wonkette’s Week in Review: All The News That Fits

• CIA Director Porter Goss called it quits this week, and didn’t make up a reason for leaving. Not even the standard “time with my family” excuse, which of course makes us think it had something to do with the hookers or the gambling and payola. Anyway, he’s back on the gulf shore already, and everyone is waiting to hear who the next shady character to take over the job is going to be.

• Scott McClellan gave his last press conference on Friday. The door did not hit his ass on the way out.

• In a drug-addled haze, Patrick Kennedy drove his car into a concrete barrier early Thursday morning. We were so hoping it was an 8-ball he chased with a liter of plastic-bottle vodka, but it looks like Pat is just your average congressional pill-popper. To add insult to self-induced injury, he only made it three blocks away from the bar before he crashed, which is nothing new for him. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back, though, and he’s admitted powerlessness and is heading to rehab. Godspeed Patrick, we’ll probably see you there soon.

• All the breaking real news wore us out, so we took a little break to talk some smack about Elaine Chao.

• Crazy-ass Zacarias Moussaoui gets to spend the rest of his life at a supermax prison in South Park Florence, Colorado.

• Dick Cheney is featured in the June Vanity Fair. The article confirms a lot of suspicions about him being a bit of an odd duck and a “big time” asshole.

• We almost forgot, there was huge party last weekend that we wrote all about after sobering up. Of course after the party, there’s the after-party, and after the party it’s the hotel lobby.

READ MORE: CIA, White House, accidents, alcohol, annoying people, assholes, bit of an odd duck, breaking, briefings, conspiracies, crazy talk, dick cheney, drugs, drunk driving, elaine chao, events, gossip, hawk ‘n’ dove, hookers, law, mysterious resignations, parties, patrick kennedy, pills, porter goss, prom, prostitutes, resignations, scandal, scott mccellan, sex scandal, sex scandals, supposedly good dancing republicans, terror, terrorism, top, unverified rumors, war on terror, wednesday morning massacrette, week in review, whca, whcd, zacarias moussaoui

Your Fancy Dinner Last Night? That’s Another Pinstripe Suit for Tony Blankley

Ten kinds of crazy going on in this Chicago Tribune piece about Reverend Sun Myung Moon and his, uh, stranglehold on the sushi industry. Yeah, we didn’t know that one either. So, as the tipster who brought this piece to our attention noted, every California roll you eat helps subsidize the quality, money-losing journalism of the Washington Times. And who knew cornering an industry could sound so simple?

“I have the entire system worked out, starting with boat building,” Moon said in “The Way of Tuna,” a speech given in 1980. “After we build the boats, we catch the fish and process them for the market, and then have a distribution network. This is not just on the drawing board; I have already done it.”

In the same speech, he called himself “king of the ocean.”

Oh man. “The Way of Tuna.” “King of the ocean.” Just, wow. We’re really glad no one pays attention to this nutcase.

But, as a rival Chicago fishmonger points out, “It’s kind of tough to compete in this industry with a company that is so global, has a major presence in almost every market and that is driven by religious fervor.” Except in media, where, surprisingly, it helps to not be clearly batshit insane. Most of the time, anyway.

Sushi and Rev. Moon [ChiTrib]

READ MORE: Media, bit of an odd duck, crazies, cults, food, loonies, moonies, newspapers, nutjobs, people who repeatedly crown themselves the messiah and claim stalin and hitler posthumously apologiz, reverend sun myung moon, sushi, tony blankley, wackos, washington times