BREAKING: SHARKEY ARRESTED

Minnesota Gubernatorial Candidate/Vampire Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey has been arrested on outstanding warrants for stalking and escape (honestly, what else could his outstanding warrants have been for?). Which gives the AP the chance to write this nearly-perfect graf:

Sharkey launched his campaign last month. His platform includes an emphasis on education, tax breaks for farmers and better benefits for veterans, but he also said he favored impaling certain wrongdoers in front of the State Capitol.

Sharkey’s crack team is already working on expunging all mention of the incident from his Wikipedia entry (in the name of Our Dark Lord, natch).

But out favorite part might be the FEC filing an operative sent us the other day regarding Sharkey’s previous bid for the presidency, back when he was running as Rocky “Hurricane” Flash:

I am now OFFICIALLY stating that I want this committee closed, immediately. Rocky “Hurricane” Flash’s human existence ended on October 22, 2004. Hence, there is no reason to keep this matter of his campaign committee open

Now there’s a handy way to get out of all sorts of things. We may call in undead tomorrow, in fact.

EARLIER: Wonkette’s Coverage of Jonathan Sharkey
‘The Impaler’ Governor Candidate Arrested [WCCO]
FEC Document

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Their Satanic Majesties (Change of Address) Request

We’re convinced Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey is on the road to victory. But at least one Wonkette reader noticed Sharkey doesn’t actually live in the state he wishes to govern. Sharkey wants to be the next governor of Minnesota, but he lives in New Jersey:

Right on with your coverage of Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey, it’s good to see good old, crazy assed grassroots candidates think they have a shot in hell (or from Hell, in The Impaler’s case).

But I just noticed something buried in the hilarity that is his site:

His presidential notice states that he lives in New Jersey. Is it
even possible that he can run for Governor of Minnesota? Doesn’t he have to be a citizen of the state? Could this be the end of Rocky??

The Devil Is In the Details [Wonkette]

Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey [“The New Deal”]

— Eric Pfeiffer

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The Devil Went Down to Florida

We’re pretty sure this is the best photo we’ve seen in a while. And not coincidentally, it once again comes from Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey, the terrorist executing, devil worshipping, next governor of Minnesota. It seems like every time we check out his site, we come across something wonderful. Sharkey claims to have a personal relationship with George and Jeb Bush. The ranting of a satanic lunatic? More like political genius!

According to Sharkey’s website, the photos were taken in January 2002, at the Disney World Convention Center, during the Florida State Republican Convention.

Soon to be as famous as Rumsfeld and Hussein [PolySciFi Blog]

Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey for Governor [“The New Deal”]

— Eric Pfeiffer

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Tales From the Dark Side

We’re proud to bring you yet another installment in our continuing coverage of Minnesota’s next governor, Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey. Today’s tale, not surprisingly, leans toward the dark side.

See, the problem with becoming famous is people start trying to tear you down. Mo money, mo problems. Especially when you’re a witch. And unfortunately that’s what has happened to Sharkey’s wife, Julie Carpenter. She’s been a school bus driver for several years and when word got around about her religious beliefs, the school system promptly fired her:

Carpenter says she never had a problem with her job until last week, when she mentioned being a witch. She says her employer said she was a great driver. Carpenter had been driving a bus for five years.

Nonetheless, we have to wonder about Carpenter’s namesake. For someone committed to the dark arts, isn’t it just a bit odd to retain a surname matching the employment path of a certain religious figure prior to his career as a prophet?

At any rate, she can always fall back on her gig as Sharkey’s personal “blood donor.”

Princeton “witch” Disputes Her Firing [Eye Witness News]

The Devil is in the Details [Wonkette]

— Eric Pfeiffer

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To Hell and Back

The Minneapolis City Pages has an interview with our favorite satanic gubernatorial candidate, Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey.” Between this and his shout-out on SNL’s “Weekend Update,” we’re pretty sure Sharkey cannot be stopped – you can only hope to contain him. Besides, the guy seems to know his history, albeit with a view slanted towards excerpts from the Necronomicon. For instance, take his latest appeal to security moms:

“At times, unleashing your evil part, especially in the type of world we’re living in, is a good thing. I want criminals to fear me. I want bin Laden and all his al Qaeda buddies to think back to when their ancestors, the Turks, were trying to invade Romania, and Vlad Tepes, Dracula, impaled them for it. I want them to think they’re dealing with another Vlad Tepes. I want them to think of me as the impaling governor-slash-president.”

And that’s right. He’s not limiting his ambitions to being Minnesota’s second most unusual politician. He’s going to be president.

Interview With the Vampyre [City Pages]

The Devil Is In the Details [Wonkette]

— Eric Pfeiffer

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