Sorry, kids. “Ask a Hill Staffer” is still on hiatus. If you think you’d be a great advice columnist, and are a hill staffer, lobbyist, White House hottie, or Senator — or if you have some other quintessentially Washington job — feel free to send us ideas, samples, applications, and whathaveyou. No attachments, as always.

To everything there is a season, dear readers. Turn, turn, etc. Yeah, continuing the great purge, we are sad to announce that our Anonymous Hill Staffer is a Hill Staffer no more. The whole tragic tale appears below. In the meantime, because he insisted that none of his coworkers was funny, we are on the market for a new one. If you work on the Hill and are good at answering questions, shoot us an email. Or if you have new and exciting ideas (Ask a Lobbyist? Ask Mitchell Wade?) for a regular column, let us know.

After the jump, a tearful, 99% true farewell, with implicit Green Day soundtrack and cherished memories montage.

Dear Wonkette,

First of all, you’ll notice I used a comma in the salutation of this letter. That’s because I consider you friends. I’ve really enjoyed these last months that you have let me write Ask a Hill Staffer for you. I never knew how little people knew about Congress, and I’m happy to have done my civic duty by educating people about the inner workings of Congress. The internet is an amazing tool of the information age — to think, nary a decade ago it wasn’t even on computers yet! I’ve even been thinking of starting my own blog! Thank you, Al Gore, for the internet. But **** you for the global warming! We were fine without it! As my brother would say, it’s an inconvenient truth.

Sadly, that’s not the point of this letter, even though I would like to discuss Al Gore a little more. Al Gore with a beard that is, because his beard made him look like Grizzly Adams, and Grizzly Adams was a great American. I’m writing this letter because I must regretfully inform you that I will no longer be able to continue on as your anonymous Hill staffer every week. This is not because I don’t want to — oh no, far from it. If I could write this column for the rest of my life, I would be a happy man. No, I write this letter with a heavy heart.

I’ve been stalling for half a page now, so I’ll just come clean: I lost my job on the Hill. It would just be unfair to continue answering questions like this, because it would be dishonest. The American people get enough dishonestly from their elected representation on Capitol Hill, so they don’t need any more from me. The buck stops here, as FDR, my favorite President, used to say. I want to keep writing for you, but “Ask an Unemployed **** with a Drinking Problem” just doesn’t seem like an interesting angle. Besides, you can go down K Street a few blocks from the White House and ask any number of people those same questions.

I’m sure you’re asking yourself “WHAT HAPPENED!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!” by now. Well, I’m still asking myself that. What happened is that I’m a dumbass, which I’m sure you’ve gathered over the past few months. Well this time, it’s for real. While writing my column at work the other week, I accidentally hit the print icon instead of the save icon in the Word toolbar. They’re so goddamn close and my fingers are just too fat for the **** ing mouse! I knew I should have learned those **** ing keyboard shortcuts! Anyway, I lost the column because I didn’t save it, and the Chief of Staff in my office found the printout of what was to be this week’s column, surprisingly enough knew what it was, and as they say, the rest is history. Needless to say, I’m way too lazy to rewrite it, and my spare time is being spent in the unemployment line. At least Congress picks up two months worth of health insurance after separation. Wait, I should say that the American taxpayer picks up two months of my health insurance after I was fired. Thanks guys. Too bad for you, the buck doesn’t stop here when it comes to health care. I’m not about to join the 40 million uninsured Americans.

What is to come of me, you ask? Well, by the time you read this, I’ll hopefully have been through Guatemala City and past Belize. I’m going to live the dream and become an American expatriate. As the saying goes, I’ll be hiding out in Honduras, the **** has hit the fan. Send lawyers, guns, and money. Maybe that’s a song, not a saying. I’m not totally sure. Point being, I’ll be in Honduras, and I’ll keep heading south if need be. That lawyer still works you, right? I’ll probably head to Costa Rica when my health insurance runs out, because health care is on the house down there. Or at least the government pays for it. Once I get there, I’m going to be an illegal immigrant in Costa Rica working on a coffee plantation for subsistence wages. That’ll show them!

I’m on the run, my friends. From what? I don’t know. Maybe I’m running from myself. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m running from the capitalist machine that has turned my cynicism a shade of light green that is so popular in the Far East. Hint: jade! Maybe I’m running from that little dog that keeps talking to me when I’ve been drinking too much. Maybe I’m running from the collection agency. I guess I’ll know when I get there and when I’m not being followed anymore.

I’m sorry I’ve sprung this on you with such short notice. But I want the column to live on. Please post this letter, let it be a call to arms! May a poor, cynical soul on Capitol Hill heed the challenge and step up to fill my shoes. Trust me, they’re really big. I’ve got a bag full of unanswered questions that I’m ready to pass on. May a worthy **** pick up the torch before it lights the whole place on fire. And if anyone ever wants to ask an expatriate anything, well… I’d be obliged.

There’s one more favor I would ask—please keep me anonymous. God knows getting fired is probably a blessing, but, god forbid I want to work on the Hill again some day… I think this column might be kind of a road block to getting back in politics. Maybe some time in the 3rd world will clear my cynicism up; maybe it will make it worse. I’ll find out when I get there.

This is running on a little too long so I’ll quit while I’m ahead. I feel really bad that this has probably ruined the afterglow of Independence Day for you, because if there’s something I know we share in common, it’s loving freedom. Remember: lawyers, guns, and money. I’ll be waiting in la Mosquita. That’s Spanish for something, but I’m not sure what. I think it means swampy hellhole. I’ll find out soon enough!

Sincerely,
your anonymous Hill staffer.

Each week here at Wonkette, we take your questions and pass them off to a congressional employee — it’s like writing your congressman, but without pretending anyone important will ever see your letter. We think the endless rain got to our Anonymous Hill Staffer this week. He seems a bit down. Though it easily could’ve been your depressing questions.

After the jump: Intraparty sex:Interparty sex::incest:cheating. Or something.

I’m working on a congressional campaign in a hotly contested district. If the candidate wins, I have been told that I will have a job on the hill working for him. What sort of job should I ask for? What should I avoid?

I would ask to be made Legislative Director. That always seemed like a good job to me, because I wasn’t exactly sure what they were directing. I know they get paid a lot though. I think basically what an LD does is tell the other two or three people doing legislative work what to do, then signs the Members name when it’s all done. Did I mention they get paid a **** ton of money? Well, a **** ton more than me at least. However, I think it’s more likely that you would become a Staff Assistant. You should try to avoid that, but good luck, sucker. You’ll be a glorified intern before you know it — answering phones, making coffee, and giving tours until the interns show up, at which time you will do nothing.

I feel like keep meeting the same people over and over again in DC, and then I realized that ‘Yes, I am meeting the exact same people over and over again.’ Is it fair to say that everyone on the Hill knows each other and that within the parties it is only 2 degrees of separation?

Yes. It is fair. It’s worse than incest. The same people get the same jobs, and there’s not much coming in from the outside. People don’t really get “out” that much in the world of politics, which is why not much ever really changes in politics. I was watching the documentary Mr. Smith Goes to Washington earlier today, and even though it was filmed in the 1930’s, the same kinds of fat cats are running Congress and demolishing boys camps in order to make their rich buddies richer back in the home state. Luckily Senator Smith was able to stand up to those fat cats. It’s too bad that nobody in Congress these days is willing to stand up for what is right like Senator Smith. See, he came from the outside, and was able to do what was right. He beat the incest of Washington politics. Which is hard to do, because inbreeding has only made politicos in DC more and more retarded (which makes them very hard to deal with. Imagine how much worse it has gotten since the 30’s when Senator Smith was around!)

If someone sleeps with multiple members within the same political party — it’s not technically cheating, right?

You people should read the bible more. It says something about not cheating near the front. Maybe you have read the bible though, and that’s why you want to find the cheating loopholes. Sleeping around within your party doesn’t count as cheating, but it’s not that much fun either. However, once you step outside of Beltway, the party rule is out the window. This is because party affiliation doesn’t matter to any sexual partner outside of the Beltway. And since you don’t seem to be following, I’ll spell it out. Nobody cares about politics, so you’re irrelevant. Being the Press Secretary for some Senator might get you laid in the Hart building, but it will probably get you laughed at anywhere else. I have a feeling this is part of the reason I’m never getting laid.

What’s the worst thing about working on the Hill?

I don’t get too many questions as open ended as this. It’s a great way to get the creative juices flowing. I would have to say that the worst part about working on the Hill is that every day is like Groundhog Day. You know, like the Bill Murray movie where he woke up in the same day every day and the same **** happened over and over. In the movie though, Bill Murray did cool stuff like learn how to play the piano and find creative ways to kill himself. Unfortunately, I’m too busy sorting through constituent mail and answering questions about what our trade deficit is in order to learn how to play the piano or think too much about suicide. There isn’t any creativity to this job… you go in, write some mail, waste some time on the internet, maybe call another office to cosponsor a bill or sign your boss onto a Congressional letter, and go home. Congress really isn’t as exciting as Dana Bash tries to make it out to be. It’s more like working in a huge ass law firm with 10,000 employees all in one spot. There are 535 principals — the Members and the Senators — and the rest are just office rats. Even though you think you are “making a difference,” it’s all bull **** . You might as well work at a huge ass law firm and make more money. But working at a huge ass law firm totally sucks… so why do either? I’m still trying to figure that one out. Let me get back to you. I guess this is just a personal point of view though, as I have excluded the obvious point that realizing a bunch of boobs run the largest economy in the world, well, sucks pretty bad.

If you hate working on the Hill so much, why do you stay?

Damn, this is a good question too. I guess I have to get back to you sooner than I wanted to. I wanted to put off confronting my own professional disappointments for as long as possible. Damn you, faithful reader. I’ve actually gotten this question a lot in some form or another lately, so I might as well face it. I think I stay mainly to support my lifestyle as a functional alcoholic. Seriously. There’s nothing but boredom and disappointment around every corner of the halls of Congress. I’m not stimulated intellectually, professionally, sexually (seriously, Democrats — let’s work on hottie recruitment)… so why do I stay? It’s just easy enough working here that I really don’t have to think about the problems in my own world or the world at large. Plus, it’s just depressing enough that I want to go home and get loaded out of my mind as soon as 6:01 P.M. rolls around. They pay well too… so I can get loaded every day, come in hungover, and do my part to keep the wheels of Congress turning. Oh, and the benefits are ridiculous. Have I ever mentioned that? Uncle Sam makes sure that it’s employees get Cadillac health insurance on the cheap, a great retirement system, and $100 worth of Metro checks every month. The list goes on, but it would probably make you sick. I don’t want you throwing up on your keyboard — then your boss would know you’ve been reading Wonkette. Anyway, I’m sure I’ll work up the balls to move on from here someday… but for now it’s just working too well!

Question? Ask.

It’s hot, and our building’s AC is down for the day. So we’re kind of miserable. But we take solace in the fact that we don’t have to lead tours of the Capitol. Some folks aren’t that lucky. One of those unlucky folks is (or was) our very own Anonymous Hill Staffer, who’s checking in today with another installment in his glorious Quixotic quest to answer every single question about working on the Hill ever.

After the jump, ageism, mostly, with a dash of racism and a the usual smattering of nepotism.

I’ve read (and noticed) that the average of Hill staffers, including those involved with writing legislation, is about 25. Do you think that increasing the maturity and experience levels of these behind the scenes busy bees would reduce the number of oddities that seem to regularly pop up in legislation?

You would think it would, wouldn’t you? I’m thinking the opposite though. The less mature crowd might be writing curse words into legislation in a kind of frat-boy-meets-Congress kind of way, but I think older folks would be far more insidious in their designs. The great thing about 25-year olds writing legislation is that they can’t do too much harm. They’re just learning how to be corrupt; they aren’t totally corrupt yet. Imagine if you had someone like Jack Abramoff come back to actually write the legislation as opposed to just lobbying someone to do it? Give that guy a blank sheet of paper and see what he comes up with. A 25-year old kid is too busy trying to hook up with interns to really do anything that nasty. Think of someone like me — how much harm can I really do? Well, 25 more years of this, and I’m going to be writing legislation like the “Give Anonymous Hill Staffer 1 Million Dollars Act of 2031,” and I’ll have enough power to get it passed. That’s why they try to keep the average age of staffers down instead of up.

Is it true that Strom Thurmond used to wear rubber-lined pants, because he was incontinent and refused to wear an adult diaper?

Actually, I met Strom in his personal office before he died. I was looking for signs of an adult diaper when I was in there, but couldn’t really tell. This could very well be the proof you are looking for because any 99-year-old man is going to have trouble shutting the spigot off. If he isn’t wearing a diaper that really only leaves rubber-lined pants. I’m not an expert on how you would line pants with rubber, but given the coastal nature of South Carolina, I’m guessing he probably put yellow fisherman’s pants on under his seersucker pants. I can tell you that he had a manservant though. More like a straight out of college kid. Strom couldn’t do anything on his own except crap himself; so I think this kid did everything else (like changing the rubber fisherman’s pants). I guess you have to want to work in Congress pretty badly if you’re willing to help an old man change his soiled pants day in and day out. And I guess my job pushing paper around doesn’t seem so bad anymore.

How do I get a job on the hill without a family connection? Please I must know!

Why must you know? Are you writing a newspaper article or something? I think the secret of getting a job without some sort of connection is way too big even for this column. Besides, I don’t know, because I got my job through a family connection. It seems way too hard to do it otherwise. Just so I’m sure, you’re asking how you get a job in Congress based on your merits, right? I think there’s an employment office in the basement of Longworth that will send your resume out to offices for you, but I don’t think that will get you very far. I would suggest drinking in Hill bars and starting a whispering campaign about yourself. Have you ever seen Muppets Take Manhattan? Same idea, but don’t get rats to do it for you. Just go down to Bullfeathers and hide under the tables. When the lunch crowd comes in start talking about how merity you are. If that doesn’t work, just start talking about how you would give head if you were a staff ass. The calls will come flooding in.

What is the most offensive comment you’ve heard during your time as a staffer?

OK, serious time again. This is totally true and kind of disturbing. It wasn’t made by a Member of Congress or anything, but blew my mind to think that there were still people out there in the U.S. of A. that think this way. Back when I was still giving tours and such I took a bunch of Farm Bureau folks through the Capitol. Of course we stopped in the Capitol rotunda, which has several paintings and several statues. I explained the meanings of the paintings no problem, then explained that the statues were all of Presidents. They had a special place of honor in the Capitol. They were all of Presidents with one exception — the bust of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. When I explained that Congress placed the bust in the rotunda after officially designating a national holiday for him, one of the guys on the tour said “well I just can’t—” when his wife interrupted him with “oh stop now, not here!” So I asked if there was a problem, and he said “well I just can’t believe Congress would put that man in the Capitol. With all these Presidents!” I’m pretty sure you can guess where it went from here. Well, holy **** . It was one of the few moments in my life where I’ve been speechless. God bless America, buddy.

Why, whenever you see a picture of someone affiliated with the Legislative Branch, do they have to stand on the steps of the Capitol? DC is a big town, is there nothing more interesting to use as a backdrop?

Where do you want them to take pictures? Somewhere up in Northeast DC? I hear the bums in the fountains at Union Station make a great backdrop. Maybe they should hop in a car and head up to the Cathedral for photo ops! Maybe the White House… oh wait, they don’t work at the White House. They work at the Capitol. I think the main reason they don’t take pictures elsewhere around DC is because it would make no **** ing sense whatsoever. When you get a picture with your Congressman and put it on the wall, there’s nothing about that picture besides the Capitol in the background that says what the hell the picture is about. Otherwise, people would just be getting their picture taken with a random short bald guy in front of a random spot in DC. Airlines don’t put cars in their advertisements for a reason, and Congressmen don’t take pictures anywhere besides the Capitol because they are way too obscure to be recognizable otherwise.

Questions? Ask.

Time for your weekly look at the life of leisure that is a gig on Capitol Hill. This week, your questions were all indicative of creepy anti-social tendencies and our Anonymous Hill Staffer’s answers were all sorta mean. You guys were meant for one another.

After the jump: competitive eating, pornography, intern ass, and the Secret Service. You know, typical fare.

If you had to bet on someone, which Member of Congress would be most likely to eat a proposal on the House floor?

J.D. Hayworth. More likely that a pre-stomach stapling Hayworth would eat a legislative proposal on the house floor, but he’s still a strong candidate. He’s the most pompous prick in all of Congress. This is evidenced by his flair for wearing purple Joker suits and acting like James Brown. However, Hayworth is not the hardest working man in Congress. He’s just the loudest and has the spikiest hair. If any **** were to eat a piece of legislation, it would be J.D. However, this would be a great PR move, as I’m predicting this would be the most YouTube’d Congressional moment ever. Not that it would be hard to beat the current record holder, which is the Sumner caning reenactment of ‘98.

Which Congressman would be most likely to participate in a competitive eating competition?

Are you kidding me? Jerry Nadler. Even with the stomach stapling. Have you seen this guy? He’s **** ing enormous! And I hate to say this, but his whole family is huge, so he comes from good competitive eating breeding stock. There are pictures of them all over his office if you don’t believe me. Nadler is the kind of guy that you are afraid to let around your dog because he might just try sticking it between two slices of bread. If any Member of Congress were to get into professional eating, it would be Nadler, I’m quite sure of it. He’s a heart attack waiting to happen. He’s quiet too, unlike J.D. Hayworth. Whereas living large was part of J.D.’s personality (and led to his eventual stomach-stapling), I think Nadler eats because he’s unhappy and is unhappy because he eats. I mean… there’s a big difference between pre- and post-stomach stapling Hayworth. I think Nadler has actually gotten bigger since his stomach was stapled. This is a winner here, no need to pad your bet with a place of a show! My lock of the week!

Damn that was mean. But honest. Brutally honest.

What does your boss do with the free copy of Hustler he gets every month?

For those of you don’t know, Members of Congress receive a copy of Hustler magazine every month compliments of Larry Flynt. My boss never sees it, because it goes directly to the staff. There has been an understanding for years that the staff ass puts it in the most senior staffer’s mailbox, and it is then passed on by seniority. Usually the guy who is getting laid the least ends up getting to take it home. Needless to say I have a about 65% of last year’s issues. However, we got a girl staff ass and lately the Hustler hasn’t been making it back to the staffers. Either she’s throwing it away or taking it home for herself. I don’t know what’s worse — that she’s wasting it by tossing it in the trash or not sharing her lesbian fantasies with us.

It seems like people drink a lot on the hill, do the hill police give you a hard time when you try to sneak in your jug of Carlos Rossi?

The only reason they would give you a hard time is because you are such a pussy for drinking Carlos Rossi. Even my liver is mocking you right now. Seriously, Booze walks through security checkpoints on the Hill as often as blackberries do. I’ve walked into the House office buildings with a half-empty 18 pack of Bud Light and then passed them out to the officers and janitors, all of who seemed to really appreciate the gesture. You don’t see me getting a Kennedy-style DUI on the Capitol grounds, now do you? Well, it’s because I’m more generous with my substance abuse. If there is an unspoken message here, it is that drinking in Congress is cool, but social drinking in Congress is even cooler.

I’m a middle-aged white dude looking to take full advantage of all the hot intern RepubliSlut action I see on Penn Ave SE (near the Capitol —ed.). In terms of balancing looks with lack of standards, which bars would you recommend?
PS: I am married, but having sex with Republicans doesn’t count as cheating, right?

You really are that guy, aren’t you? I mean, I chase intern tail and I know it ain’t right. You’re married. But no, I don’t think it really would count as cheating because slutty Republican interns don’t really count as people. They’re just the scum that starts clinging together at the edge of a stagnant retention pond. Great for breeding Dengue Fever! Just remember, screwing a mosquito with Dengue Fever doesn’t count as cheating, but it gives your Dengue Fever all the same. In answer to your second question, I would have to suggest Top of the Hill (above the Pour House, formerly Politiki. They are having an identity crisis). You can get martinis there; I shouldn’t say “you,” slutty Republican interns get martinis there. You know, the kind of self-important, self-absorbed interns that you want to give the old “in-out, in-out” who get martinis because they think it’s a classy drink.
P.S. Microsoft Word thinks that “slutty” should be “sluttish.” What a great word! Everybody try working that into a sentence today.

What’s with the Secret Service guys in the white vans around the White House in the middle of the night? I feel as though my civil rights are repeatedly violated when I’m there. I mean, really, it’s not like I’m plotting to overthrow the government when hanging on the White House fence at midnight.

I usually try to avoid non-Congressional questions because it’s outside of my area of expertise, but yes, I know the **** s of whom you speak. Just because you’re hanging around the White House at midnight doesn’t mean an unmarked Secret Service van has to come up to you and park 5 feet away from you. It’s like when teenagers get harassed in front of the movie theatre. Come on, like I don’t know you’re there? Here are some fun games to play when a Secret Service agent pulls up right behind you at the White House in the middle of the night:

• Whisper meaningless terrorist-related phrases, like “and then he jihad all over my tits! Tear this wall down! Secret tunnel mole ratio is elevated!” If you pick the right words, you’ll be swarmed in no time!
• Try flashing the White House. If the Secret Service guy is behind you, you’ll know who is watching you by how quickly he gets out of his van. Obviously, point your tits at the White House! Guys, you can moon the White House here if you don’t have tits.
• Reach up and grab the top of the fence. I dare you. I double dare you to toss a flaming bag of **** over the fence.
• Try making out with somebody while the Secret Service guy watches, but like in a spy movie. Say something like “make out with me! Trust me!” and pretend that you’re just making out, even though you’re plotting something against the White House and it’s just a clever ruse. The Secret Service will probably move on and say “crazy kids!” so you can go about your business. If nothing else, you’ll get a little ass from whomever you dragged down to the White House in the middle of the night.

Hope this makes your next visit to the White House a good one!

Questions? Ask us.

Our Anonymous Hill Staffer, direct from Bangalore: “So I got a lot of questions that couldn’t be answered by a Hill staffer without a little help… luckily, every government agency (and most NGOs) have departments dedicated to answering the asinine questions of Hill staffers… so I forwarded the questions along, and paraphrased their answers back.”

We gotta say, your questions are getting weirder. Death, taxes, and garbage disposals, after the jump.

WHY CAN’T YOU RUN HOT WATER WHEN USING THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL?!?! (emphasis original)

For this question, I contacted the Federal Trade Commission. The simple answer is that the hot water overheats the motor turning the garbage disposal, which can either ruin your disposal or be a potential fire hazard. However, the off-the-record inside-baseball answer is that hot water works just fine. This is a rumor that has been propagated by the in-sink garbage disposal industry for over half a decade. Apparently, they caught the head of the National Water Heater Manufacturers Association in bed with a 12 year old boy some years back… from what I understand, there are pictures buried in the basement of the Garbage Disposal Manufacturers of America headquarters over on L street. A little background first — running hot water for things like garbage disposals is bad for your hot water heater, and makes it break down more quickly. The water heater guys want this so they can sell you more water heaters. When the garbage disposal guys got wind of the water heater guy’s “indiscretions,” they set him up and snapped some photos. There were demands of money — money that the water heater industry wouldn’t meet, or couldn’t meet. Details here are sketchy, but the garbage disposal industry threatened to release the pictures and embarrass the water heater association, which was trying to keep a low profile due to advances in water heating (mainly solar) that threatened to put water heater manufacturers out of business at the time. The full sum of money wasn’t paid to the garbage disposal folks, so they started instructing their customers to only run cold water over in-sink garbage disposals. Supposedly, when the rest of the money came, this warning would disappear — but the money never came, so the warning never went. The hot water heater industry tried to get this changed with the FTC, which was in the pocket of the sink disposal industry at the time (the head of the FTC and the sink disposal industry were both Lt. Colonels to Ike during WWII). Not wanting any more heat, the water heater people dropped the whole thing, and the warning against hot water on disposals remains to this day. So go ahead, friend, and run hot water over the thing. It’s not like the do-not-remove-under-penalty-of-law tag on a new mattress, which can get you 5 years.

Say two opposing armies were to form on either side of the National Mall, one of Republican Staffers (Senate plus House) and one of Democratic Staffers (Senate plus House). Then say they were given full access to whatever medieval and feudal Japanese weaponry they desired, perhaps even a few catapults. Finally, let’s say they were both forced to fight until the complete extermination of one group by another. Which group would be victorious? And, also, which Smithsonian building would be most devastated in the ensuing melee?

The National Geographic society got the call on this one; they’ve got a great exhibit on the crusades that has an awesome diorama (complete with catapults) so I figured they would know. What this has to do with geography, I don’t know. They also aren’t a government agency, but I digress. Basically, they said that whoever has more people in this situation is going to win, all other things being equal. Republican staffers outnumber Democratic staffers by far, obviously — more Members, more Senators, and all the Committee staffs. The Democrats are pretty **** ed on this one. As far as which Smithsonian building would take the biggest beating, it would depend on its location. Are we talking about a mall-wide battle? And who lines up on which side? I’d imagine that the Republicans would take the south side of the Mall and the Democrats the north. So, if I were the Republicans, I’d shack up in the Smithsonian castle, which would probably take the onslaught of the Democratic attack. However, this would be relative to the other Smithsonians. The Democrats are totally disorganized and are totally pussies, so after the Republicans had taken them all out (by pouring hot oil on them and shooting them with flaming arrows) there wouldn’t be much rebuilding necessary. The Republicans would just take the whole Mall over after that. Democrats, you dumb asses, you should have just stayed in the art museums where you belong!

Can you compare the various tax proposals to the current system, (including the payroll tax, the Capital Gains tax, etc.) and various other ways of collecting the same amount of taxes? e.g: a) Same as the current program - deductions b) Same as the current program (+ or - Deductions) with ALL income, Wages, Capital Gains and potential capital gains, etc. c) Taxing only Consumption (With and Without “Necessity” deductions) d) Taxing only Wealth (Both as a function of Income and Wealth). Also can you estimate the state and local taxes and the relationship of Income, Wage Income, and Wealth?

The IRS was very quick and friendly in getting back to me on this question. Unfortunately for you, I have no goddamn clue what the **** their answer means. To be honest, I have no idea what the **** the question means either. Holy **** man, were you high when you wrote this? Maybe the problem is that I’m not high right now. Luckily I’m not at work. Hang on.

OK. Yes I see the problem here. It’s not that you were high, or that I wasn’t high, it’s that this question could only be approached by someone with technical know-how of our tax collection system. I need to read a CRS report on this. But now that I’ve figured that out, I’m too high to answer the question or do any more research. Hang on, I need a nap.

Now that I’ve taken my nap and have started watching the History Channel, I have no interest in this question anymore. I don’t even know why I tried to answer it, but I’ve looked at the IRS response and have a few thoughts. If I understand this whole thing correctly, the U.S. taxes you according to your means under our current system. On top of this, you can get deductions for things like babies. If it goes to a consumption tax, which is the same thing as a national sales tax, you don’t get any credit for the babies any more. So rich people will stop bringing unloved and unwanted children into the world for tax purposes as will crack whores, right? Population growth is slowed, the labor market constricts, and unemployment goes down. Screw the hippie liberals, I think the flat tax is an excellent idea now that I’ve thought about it!

My question is three-fold. 1) Do they administer STD tests in the House nurse’s office? I’ve got this burning, you know, down there… 2) Can you suggest a good restaurant to tell my lover about said “burning”? 3) Are you doing anything Saturday night?

Health and Human Services is the go-to agency for all your burning STD questions. And for your burning crotch. Here’s what they said: 1) For your sake, I hope they give out STD tests! I’ve never had to go for that… one of the only advantages of not getting laid a lot is not getting a lot of STD’s. According to HHS, syphilis can make you blind! Herpes has no cure! And there’s something out there called Chlamydia! I think it is kind of like crabs, but with clams instead… I wasn’t really paying attention at that point because I was grossed out by syphilis. And of course, there’s HIV…. Trust me, Congress isn’t kicking any money into that one. It’s kind of like herpes in that there’s no cure, except it’s worse because it kills you. They said there wasn’t really a “burning” sensation involved with that one, so you should be OK. 2) I prefer the Diner up in Adams Morgan. Do you know it? It’s very crowded, and they are open all night. I’d get him really drunk and use their family-friendly crayons and coloring paper to draw an explanation of what is going on down there. If it’s really good, they’ll put it on the wall! 3) Ah, **** . I knew you were a dirty, sweaty whore. At least I finally got laid.

Anything else you need? Ask us.

We love you guys. We really do. We asked for questions, and they came flooding in by the truckload. It was just like the mailbag scene in Miracle on 34th St., only with filthier language. So our Anonymous Hill Staffer went to work and wrote this week’s installment in like ten drunken minutes.

After the jump: Gunfire! Lockdown! Love! Booze! And family vacations!

Hope you survived last week’s drama in the RHOB. Any crazy shenanigans you can share with us?

I did survive, thanks. Unfortunately, I didn’t really get any good stories out of it. I’m sure you saw the “send pizza” signs and the panic-attacked staffer, but I wasn’t anywhere near that. Just like any other day, really… sitting inside, behind a cubicle desk, doing Congressy things. The only real problem was having to pee… luckily every Congressman has a private bathroom hidden in their office. The boss was nice enough to let us pee in there so we wouldn’t get shot on the way to the bathroom. It was kind of weird walking through the boss’ office on the way to his toilet though. Luckily that was all I had to deal with… I had a friend who had to number 2, which he said was really awkward. He walked in there with a newspaper and popped out 15 minutes later. You fill in the rest.

During bomb scares or scary noise-related Capitol lockdowns, does anyone ever engage in passionate not-much-time-left-on-this-earth office sex?

The easy answer would be yes, wouldn’t it? Well think about a lockdown in a House office — three offices, and the only privacy is in the Member’s office. He or she might be getting it on, but unless it’s with Mary Bono or Katherine Harris, I don’t want to know about it. Sick. Otherwise, I guess you could have an office-wide orgy, but I’ve never heard of it happening. Where you do occasionally see office-sex is on the weekends… The Congressmen sure as **** aren’t in their offices, and there aren’t too many staffers who head in on the weekends to get extra work done. A clandestine rendezvous with another staffer is not that hard. I’m just saying that it happens.

Is it true that every Hill staffer, from the top of the food chain down to the lowliest intern, is there primarily because they want their own career as an elected politician?

It would be fair to say that most staffers come to the Hill because they want to run for office. However, I’d say only half the staffers on the Hill are “running.” The “running” staffers are those keep themselves well-groomed, walk in the footsteps of their boss, and wear suspenders and/or bowties. They’re pretty easy to spot. I’ll let you guess if I’m “running” or not. I feel like (and this is just me) the staffers who are gearing up for life in elected office are the ones who can’t see behind the white veneer of the Capitol steps. Those of us who stick around long enough become cynical, and if you’re lucky, you become jaded. The people who stick around that long and don’t see what is really going on are idiots, and they’re the ones who go on to be City Councilmen, State Assemblymen, and child molesters.

What do you recommend for a family vacation to DC this summer?

I wouldn’t go to the White House, but to K Street just east of the White House. You can show your kids all varieties of bums, and after dark, several varieties of hookers. While this may not be the best way to teach your kids about the storied history of these United States, it is a great way to point out the hypocrisy of our government. It’s also a great example of irony for the kids! This would also work near the Capitol (however, there aren’t nearly as many hookers.) Try Union Station — only steps from Capitol! Bums shouting, bums without shoes, bums playing instruments…. Oh yeah, also check out the parade at the Marine Barracks on Friday nights. It’s pretty awesome. It made me love America for like 2 whole hours. You can get tickets from your Congressman.

What kind of recreational sports to Hill staffers play?

A lot of Hill staffers are playing golf these days! Tiger Woods has made the game very popular. I personally don’t know **** about golf. Well, I know a little. I think the subject of drinking can be looked at like the game of golf. I believe there should be handicaps allocated for the different skill levels of the players involved. For example, someone might have a higher handicap because of height and weight restrictions. Or you might have a little bit lower of a handicap because you have more weight to deal with. A handicap is given according to the potential of level of drinking as opposed to actual drinks consumed. Taking handicaps into consideration, I do believe that a short, skinny blond could drink me under the table. The difference between drinking and golf, however, is that watching alcohol consumption on TV doesn’t make me go into a boredom-induced coma and it does not require ugly pants. Ugly pants are acceptable in a bar setting, however, if the wearer of said pants is a generous contributor to the slow deterioration of my liver. The good news is that “shots” are a common factor of both golf and drinking. There is also crossover appeal when you start drinking on the golf course! Jesus, I am an alcoholic.

Got a question? Ask away.

Dearest Wonkette readers:

We know you’re still recovering from your traffic-clogged, gas-gouged, humid, miserable Memorial Day weekends. Despite that, we must call on you to perform your civic duty and send us questions for our Anonymous Hill Staffer to answer. We’ve received a grand total of one since last Wednesday, and that’s not quite enough for a whole installment. So send ‘em in toot sweet, and we’ll forward them along.

Thanks,
Your Editors

Intern Season is here! And this week, intern issues dominated your questions. Our Anonymous Hill Staffer was happy to help you sort through them.

After the jump, fresh blood, substance abuse, and White House pets. As always, AHS reminds you to drink outside whenever possible.

What’s the best way for an intern to become a staffer?

Blowjobs. Seriously. Go intern in some office this summer, and if you really want to become a full time staff, blow the intern coordinator. If you’re a guy and he’s a guy and you’re not really that into giving other guys head, get one of your slutty intern friends to blow him. And if it’s a chick, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe get her to blow you? I don’t know about that one, I could see it really backfiring…

Are there any bars where interns hang out together, and if so are there any that have competitive bar games?

Listen buddy, everybody knows that real drunks don’t need “competitive bar games” to go and get wasted. You’re clearly not ready for the big time. Spend the next month with a pint of Wild Turkey every morning. After you’ve done that, add in a few pulls of Popov vodka at your desk every afternoon. By this point, you’ll be able to go out to a bar and enjoy yourself without playing beer-caps-in-cups or whatever it’s called. Real cynical staffers don’t drink with ping-pong balls, they drink with their huge brass balls (which, if you know anything about physics, are very difficult to launch across the table into a red solo cup). You’ll also be chemically dependant on alcohol, but that’s your problem — not mine. If you’re too much of a coward to take my advice, you can find drunk idiots playing flip cup just about any night of the week up at Adams Mill in Adams Morgan.

I’m moving to DC for college next year. How easy is it for someone new to DC who has been a goody two-shoes for all her life to join the “get drunk and love it” lifestyle you seem to enjoy? Sounds like a lot of your fellow staffers have the same problems as I do - what advice have you given to the ones who want to loosen up?

Just try not to take life so seriously. Have you tried mescaline? That will really blow your mind. Meth is easier to get a hold of though, but a little more addicting. Buying either is illegal though, which could present a problem. You could always just start drinking (see above question for instructions). Point being that substance abuse can really take the edge off if you want to “loosen up.” It’s hard to take anything too seriously when you’re drunk. The uptight staffers on the Hill are the ones who are trying to “save the world” and “make a difference.” They don’t realize that they can’t, so they’re uptight. The difference with me is that I made that realization, stopped trying so hard, and learned to love the bottle. Alcohol is also very good at taking away your motivation to do anything… good luck loosening up.

Now that intern season is upon us, will more staffers be hooking up?

I should certainly hope so. I’m hoping my own troubles in bed will soon melt away. However, intern season is just like any hunting season and success depends on a lot of variables. How was the winter? Was it mild? If so, interns will be more likely to stay inside. Harsh winters tend to bring out the sluttiest clothing. Interns have been trending sluttier over the past 4 years, though my intern almanac says that, unfortunately, we may be seeing some more modestly dressed interns this year. So when you’re trying to score and unseasonably warm winter conditions have made it unbearably hard, ask yourself if global warming is real or not. Al Gore is right, and we all need to make sacrifices now if there is going to be a bounty of interns for future generations. Hint! Do not try to bag the hot intern in your office — bag her friend instead!

Which animal is your favorite White House pet, and why?

I think my favorite pet would have to be Roosevelt’s pet frog named Kermit. How funny is that! A talking anthropomorphic frog as a pet for the President! OK, wait. So I just looked this up. Did you know that Kermit was actually TR’s son? The President had a human-frog hybrid kid! That’s **** ed up, TR. Yet another reason he is one of my favorite Presidents. But Kermit’s my favorite Presidential pet not only because he was a human-animal hybrid, but because he was the White House frog-hopping champion 5 years running — a record that still stands today. Also, he gave all his babysitters warts. Unfortunately, Kermit struggled with depression all his life due to the fact he was the only human-animal hybrid at the time. His life ended just feet from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue when a live-action Frogger attempt went horribly wrong.

Got a question? Ask away.

Another Wednesday, another spelunking expedition into the deep, dark, craggy psyche of your Congressional staff. This week: less gay than usual. Our Anonymous Hill Staffer has heard your complaints that when it comes to alternative lifestyles, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about, so he’s sticking to his areas of expertise: drinking, chicks, and sneaking into things.

After the jump, your questions are answered. Unless they’re dumb.

Does everyone on the Hill need to be laid as much as you do?

Yes. The Hill is a terribly under-sexed place to work. It’s kind of like 6th grade again… everybody wants to screw everybody else, but they’re afraid to. You’ve got a bunch of horny staffers dancing with eight inches of air between them. Instead, they just resort to screwing each other in figurative ways. Republicans have the House now, and they’re always screwing Democrats over on energy (Clinton’s fault!), health care (Clinton’s fault!), and terrorism (Clinton’s fault!). They’re just all sexually frustrated. If they all just got over it and started screwing each other instead, the world would be a kinder, gentler place. Think about Clinton’s Presidency vs. Bush’s Presidency: Clinton got laid all the time, the economy boomed, and we didn’t go to war for 8 years. Bush goes to bed at 10, and even Laura has said she’s not getting satisfied in the private quarters of the White House. Economy in the **** ter, fighting two wars… the correlation is obvious. Now in Congress, things would be a lot better too if we could all just get laid. Don’t do it for me, do it for your country. Why do you hate America, Congressional staffers?

What’s the best way to sneak into Senate-side receptions sans invite?

This is actually really easy. Just throw on a suit and head over. Generally, anybody who looks like they belong at a Congressional reception can get in. When you get to the reception, just say “oh, I’m sorry, I forgot to RSVP.” You will usually have to come up with a fake name and employer though for the name tag. This is a great chance to be ironic: say your name is Scott McClellan and you work for Senator Leahy. Usually these people are too stupid to know the difference… if they say anything, just say “funny coincidence, isn’t it?” For an air of authenticity, you could also go to various Senate and House offices and ask for business cards. Just walk into a random Congressional office, say “who is your agriculture L.A.,” and ask for their business card. Then, when you go to the National Pork Producers reception, drop that card off at the door. Voila. If neither of these methods works, just try using a common name. I had an Asian intern once with a really common Asian last name… he would just go to receptions, drop his name, and 99 times out of 100 someone by that name had already RSVP’d. You’ll be living the high life of Congressional receptions in no time!

What’s the best place in D.C. to meet cute guys who aren’t drunk? (Note: this question submitted by a girl!)

Right now I’m trying to come up with a list of places I haven’t been drunk in DC, and it’s proving to be really difficult. I was going to say the Mall or the National Archives but… yeah, I’ve been pretty wasted in both places. **** . What about the zoo? No… damn. If I go to a party function, I’m definitely going to be pretty drunk in order to get through it. I haven’t tried AA, but maybe you should consider it? You might also want to consider going to the Church of Scientology in DuPont, I think they’re pretty sober. It’s too bad for you, because this town is pretty drunk on the whole. I guess if you come by my office before noon, I’m probably sober. Your chances of meeting sober guys are definitely going to be higher during the day… I’m going to go have to make a sober friend and get back to you on this one!

What do you think of the whole Martin Random thing? Is this guy for real or what?

I’m no Bush Administration fan, but if you believe this **** , then I have a million dollars for you in an African bank that a benevolent diamond miner left me. All I need is your bank account to get the money back to the U.S. This rant has the grammar and sentence structure of a 6th grader. Although I do like the part about Cheney swallowing, that’s a nice touch. I mean, the guy prefaces the whole thing by saying he’s not going to be corroborating any of these fantastic claims with any sort of evidence whatsoever. Why would you believe this guy’s wild-assed claims about the government when he refuses to provide any proof and will only write them under the condition of anonymity? You’ve got to be careful about what you read on the Internet these days, buddy.

Do you think Nancy Pelosi has what it takes to take back the House? If not her then who?

I won’t claim to be an expert on this, but in my opinion, Nancy Pelosi doesn’t have what it takes to get the House back for the Democrats. She’s a little too crazy, and she doesn’t have the balls to keep the Democrats in line — when a Republican voted against their party, DeLay would strip them of their committee assignments and then rip their balls off. When a Democrat votes against the party, Nancy slaps them on the wrist. No, we need someone who’s going to crack the whip… someone like Rules Committee Ranking Member Louise “Sergeant” Slaughter. You might remember Sgt. Slaughter before his (her?) gender reassignment surgery from his (her?) involvement with G.I. Joe and the WWF. **** , the WWF doesn’t even exist anymore does it? That’s how old school Sarge is. A Democrat votes against the party? “When I’m through, scuzzbucket, they’re gonna scrape you off the walls with a squeegee!” as Slaughter would say. Not only that, he (she?) would get the caucus in lockstep the way the Republicans were under DeLay. “My job is to whip you into shape, and I mean whip! There’s only two ways out of my command, on your feet like a man, or in a ditty bag. An itty-bitty ditty bag! GOT IT?” Yeah, Sergeant Slaughter, I got it. Democrats are going to take back the House in 06… and I mean TAKE it back.

Got a question? Ask us.

This week, after sorting through your questions on drinking and sex, our Anonymous Hill Staffer had an epiphany: “the Hill is a great place for post-college slackers to conglomerate and do nothing for a few years but drink and get high. Now that’s something Democrats and Republicans can agree on — if that’s not bipartisanshipfulness, I don’t know what is. Staffers on both sides are very pro-inebriation and anti long-term goals.”

So next time you wanna blame your Representative for the whole do-nothing Congress thing, remember that it’s actually his or her staff who are responsible. Snappy answers to your brilliant questions, after the jump.

Do legislative staffers hate other branch employees? Do you roll your eyes when you see some White House brats come down to the Hill for the afternoon?

I hate to admit this, but in the pecking order of government staffers, I’d say Hill staffers are somewhere near the bottom. Probably somewhere just above FEMA staffers and just below GAO staffers. Those White House staffers come down here and roll their eyes at us. Well you know what? **** ‘em. If they want to detain prisoners and monitor phone calls, they have to talk to Congress first. HA. So when they come down here with their panties all in a bunch because they have to be on the Hill, we get the satisfaction of knowing that it’s the Hill that’s standing in the way of them doing whatever they want. Roll your eyes all you want, White House, because you’re still Congress’ bitch. Wait, what? They can do that **** without asking Congress first? Well, **** me…

Why don’t they keep the House Member’s gym open at night? I read it had something to do with all the scandal… (note: this question was summarized because it was like 300 words long).

It doesn’t have to do with scandal so much as it has to do with it turning into a bathhouse after hours. You give a secret knock, and Barney Frank opens the door. They keep all the lights out…a little creepy, but that way a Rep. like John Peterson can say “it’s not gay if I don’t know it’s a man!” They have to do it this way now because of Barney getting busted in the 80’s. I mean, it’s not for everybody, which is why they close the gym. Phil Gingrey would flip his **** if he saw what was going on there, but since Drier is the Chairman of the Rules Committee, he has to go along with it. Governing is all about compromise, see? Politics in action!

Do you staffers get some sort of a meal stipend? What’s the deal with those special cards people use in the Hill cafeterias?

We used to get a meal stipend that was known as “free lunch with lobbyists,” but thanks to the Republicans, we can’t really do that anymore. Seriously, **** s. It used to be that you could call up a lobbyist, pretend to be mildly interested in some inane issue like animal rights, and get taken out to the Caucus Room while they “talked” to you about it. But now, no — all the offices around the Hill are clamping down on free meals. I’m actually pulling for that bull **** Republican lobbying bill because it lets staffers take meals and baseball tickets. All the offices are scared **** less right now, so I’ve been paying for my own lunches for the better part of this year… and those cards aren’t anything special, unfortunately. Just debit cards like you use at your college dorm. And yes, we have to pay for them; and no, lobbyists don’t give us any. Jesus I’m sick of ramen and Easy Mac.

Any thoughts on dollar beer night at the Pour House?

Not really, because usually I’m so wasted by the end I have no idea what the **** is going on. But seriously, who doesn’t like dollar beers? Even though I don’t really care for Hill bars, you can’t beat the value. Given the **** ty pay as a Hill staffer (and recent dry spell with free meals), dollar beers go a long way towards supporting my functional alcoholism. So yes, you will see me at dollar beer night at the Pour House from time to time. Want an even better deal? Dollar pints of Bud Ice down the street at Hawk and Dove. If you can choke them down, a pint of that **** will really get you the most booze for your buck. And remember, rehab’s for quitters. You hear that Kennedy? Quitters.

Get any propositions after last week’s column?

Thanks for asking, but unfortunately the answer is no. However, somebody asked for a picture and somebody else asked me how often I get laid. And you asked if I got any. That’s a start, at least. I’m thinking I’m going to try to get a CIA job so I can get invited to some of those poker parties over at the Watergate. Hookers with the Duke-Stir would have been a hell of a party. I bet he was blowing rails off of hookers’ asses, which would cross a few items off my “things to do before I die” list: rails off of hookers’ asses and doing drugs with Congressmen. Too bad the liberal press had to go poking around where they shouldn’t be poking. Now nobody’s going to be doing drugs off of anybody’s ass.

Something on your mind? Drop us a line.

Quoth the Anonymous Hill Staffer: “You write AAHS with the questions you have, not the questions you want.” Not that he means that as an insult to you, dear, questioning, readers. It’s just that AHS isn’t questioning, and is growing disturbed at how much of an expert he’s proving to be in the queerer elements of congressional life. We say: keep up the homo stuff, it’s hilarious. Questions involving boring heterosexual sex are also welcome, of course, and if they’re from hot chicks, AHS will probably give you an answer in person. The guy’s desperate.

Find out how desperate, after the jump.

Have you seen Ralph Reed on the Hill lately? Is it true that he and Ken Melhman are **** ing?

While I would love this rumor to be true, I don’t think Ralph is **** ing anybody these days. It would be a wonder if the guy could get a hard-on even if he downed a bottle of Viagra. On the other hand, the guy switched parties, so it’s not that hard to imagine him as a switch hitter in the game of love. He’d probably keep quiet about the whole thing with Melhman too — we can’t have a conservative Republican Representative taking it up the ass now, can we? But Mehlman, come on! Are you so far in the closet that you have to **** the oldest Member of Congress to get your rocks off? This guy is like 83!

Wait, are we talking about Ralph Reed or Ralph Hall here? I’m confused.

I have a good friend going to DC next week with his mother and plans on some late night sojourns once mommy is tucked in bed. He prefers young Latino men for a fee. Any suggestions where he might find some brown skinned rent boys?

You should suggest that your “friend” try Adams Morgan. Not the 18th street bars, but the real Adams Morgan up on Columbia past 18th. There are plenty of brown skinned fellows up there, and I’m sure you could hire one for the evening. You should ideally hire an illegal Latino fellow, because they’ll do it twice as hard and at half the price. In the public discourse about immigration reform, we often gloss over those among those of them that are male prostitutes. They are doing the jobs that Americans don’t want to do. With male prostitutes leaving their profession at an alarming rate to pursue new career options, we need illegal immigrants more than ever to provide these services in a cheap and efficient way. And **** , they’ll do anything as long as you pay them — be it painting a house or polishing your knob!

Are Hill Staffers allowed to drink at lunch?

“Allowed” is a loose term here. If I’m drinking a stolen airline gin bottle I don’t think that’s technically “allowed” for a couple of reasons, but I still do it. Really it depends on the office. Drinking at lunch is generally frowned upon in my office, but I do know of an office where the only rule is “it has to be domestic.” So none of that outsourced Asian beer or job-stealing Mexican beer, got it? I think if I ever got caught drinking at lunch, I’d be **** canned. That’s why I tend to limit my heavy office drinking to times when the boss and my supervisors are out of the office. If I’m the most senior staffer in the office, chances are I’ve got a pretty good buzz going!

Do you get any good propositions in your guise as AHS?

Sadly, no. I’m still holding out though, because the promise of women throwing themselves at me was really the only reason I agreed to do this. I do get asked a lot of questions about gay nightlife, but I’m not really sure why. I mean, I think it’s fairly obvious through this column that I’m rather charming, and from there you can surmise that I am unbelievably good looking in person. So then why no good propositions yet, people? I think I’m going to change the name of this column from “Ask a Hill Staffer” to “Ask and/or Proposition a Hill Staffer.” Then maybe I’ll finally get laid.

If lobbyists can no longer give gifts to legislators, why wouldn’t they just start trading sexual favors for legislation instead? I mean, to paraphrase Michael Corleone, “if anything in this life is certain…it is that you can fellate anyone.”

For this kind of thing to become a reality, we’d really need to transform the lobbying industry from the top down. Instead of looking like the accounting industry, it needs to look more like the pharmaceutical sales industry. You know, ex-cheerleaders, dancers, and the like. I really hope that lobbying and ethics reform addresses this. A blowjob for an earmark? Now there’s a victimless crime. There’s a lot of room for cross-marketing and new hybrid lobby shops here too. Imagine if Jack Abramoff had formed Team Abramoff Government Relations and Escort Services — the man would have been unstoppable!

Got a question? Ask and/or proposition away.

This week, on an all-new installment of Ask a Hill Staffer: History! And violence! And sex! It’s a trip down memory lane, from ancient Senate Lore to those faded days of glory holes to intoxicated reflecting pool madcappery, all courtesy our good friend, the Anonymous Hill Staffer.

AHS, back at work along with our elected officials (and always looking to answer your questions), was fairly terse when delivering this installment. “Nothing special this week: drugs, gays, and caning.” And that’s what you have to look forward to, after the jump.

I’m coming up to the Hill this summer as a legislative intern. Does Congress do anything big or exclusive to celebrate July 4th…and will I be invited to these events?

Congratulations, a legislative intern! Is that better than a regular intern? Sounds like you’re well on your way to a life of being a nerdy Hill staffer. For the 4th, I think the best thing you can hope for is a ticket to the orchestra that plays in front of the Capitol during the fireworks. Possibly you might get a ticket to whatever **** ty band they bring in, like the washed up Beach Boys playing without Brian Wilson. Unless you’re in your 50’s, those options are pretty lame so I’ll tell you what I did for the 4th as an intern. I got really wasted off of jell-o shots, and then headed down with some fellow interns to the Lincoln Memorial thinking I’d grab a seat somewhere. Here’s an insider’s tip: people start camping out for Mall spots around 9 in the morning, which makes stumbling around drunk in a sea of suburban families pretty difficult! It started pouring and thundering like an hour before the fireworks were supposed to go off, so we all started **** ing around in the reflecting pool. This was not too bright, because it is a stagnant cesspool and running around in a large pool during a thunderstorm is incredibly retarded for obvious reasons. We made it out without getting hepatitis or being electrocuted, though. Then, because we were drunk and covered in reflecting pool slime, a local news station interviewed us, which was also pretty dumb…if any of the staffers in our office had seen that, we would have surely been **** ed. After that, I just went home because I was thoroughly disgusting, and missed the fireworks. What I should have done: gone out to the Mall in the afternoon, staked out a decent spot, and eaten an eighth of shrooms. Give it a shot and let us know how it goes!

I just read the Wall Street Journal article about bickering and partisanship in the Hill Softball leagues. Is Hill softball fun? Is everything on the Hill as desperate and pathetic as this article makes Hill Softball appear to be?

Hill Softball is only fun if you like drinking Milwaukee’s Best in front of the Capitol and whacking a grapefruit sized ball around. Otherwise, no. As far as the Hill being desperate and pathetic, the answer there would have to be yes. From Pelosi’s sad press conferences that not even Democrats are watching to an 85-year old Ted Stevens yelling at a chamber full of nobody, Hill softball mirrors Hill life pretty well. And as for the league breaking apart, well, isn’t that what America is all about? The secessionist league broke off because their more conservative way of life was threatened. Expect the Union league to come in with cannons and cut a torched-earth swath across the Mall this summer so nobody can play softball. Then, expect a long period of rebuilding followed by a tenuous reconciliation. All the while, the Smithsonian guards will just go around beating the softball **** out of whomever they please, because they’re **** ing huge.

How much can you bench press?

You’d be surprised at how asinine some of the questions I get are…but this, by far, is the asininiest, which is why I’m going to answer it. I mean what the **** does this have to do with anything? The answer is that I bench zero, because I have a health problem that prevents me from exercising. It’s called functional alcoholism, you may have heard of it. Symptoms include lethargy and spending too much time in windowless drinking establishments. Since I’m stuck inside a Congressional office building all day, I have rickets, not to mention that I have a total lack of muscle definition. Happy, asswipe? Now everybody knows.

We’re coming up on the 150th anniversary (May 22nd) of South Carolina Senator Preston Brooks beating Massachusetts Senator Charles Sumner with a cane in the Senate Chamber. Can we arrange a reenactment between John Kerry and Lindsey Graham in commemoration? And if they aren’t willing to do it, who can we throw in there?

If you’re not familiar with the Brooks caning of Sumner, it’s a heartwarming historic tale about a legislator who wasn’t determined not to be a total pussy. Sumner, a Northeastern liberal, threw the gauntlet down at Brooks, a southern conservative. Well, Brooks marched from the House floor to the Senate floor and gave Sumner a Singapore-style caning. Unfortunately, I think a Kerry-Graham rematch wouldn’t be that exciting because Graham is as queer as a three dollar bill and Kerry thinks his favorite baseball player is Manny Ortiz. You can watch those two pansies play patty cake all day on the Senate floor if you want, and watching them in a caning reenactment would be even more boring. It just wouldn’t be in the historical spirit of the caning. Instead, I would propose getting a conservative sonofabitch South Carolinian Congressman like Joe Wilson to go and beat the **** out of the bloated, defenseless over-the-hill Massachusetts liberal Senator Ted Kennedy with a cane. When it ends with a bloody Kennedy slumped over on the Senate floor, you’ve got your reenactment!

Are there any glory holes on the Hill? I know that there used to be a bathroom on the 4th floor of Longworth that used to get quite “congested”. But that was in the 90’s…so where do young horny gay republicans get some?

Well, there are some Republican Congressmen that may or may not have said glory holes in their offices…but for the most part, they all go to a special room in the RNC called the Sphere of Self Loathing (ethnic Republicans can also be seen here quite often). Once there, they fellate Ken Mehlman. If anybody squeals, they are castrated and then sent to work on campaigns in San Francisco. That’ll teach them to be gay. Because as any Republican will tell you, god hates gays. I’d guess that the reason that bathroom in Longworth was like a truck stop bathroom in the 90’s is because it was before Republicans decided to hate everybody as a part of campaign platform. You know, back when Republicans were as morally bankrupt as Democrats. The Democratic Party is now basically an inner circle of hell, as we all know.

Got a question? Ask away.

And now, a brief respite from the Massacrette to say hello to our friend the Anonymous Hill Staffer. AHS went a little long answering your questions this week, but he had a good reason: Congress is on Spring Break and he’s bored. He also wanted us to let you know that despite the sarcasm and the funny-ha-ha bits, his answers — especially this week’s batch — are based in cold, hard fact. So deal with it. As usual, your questions will be duly filed, forwarded, and answered.

Presenting, after the jump, seemy Congressional substance abuse, narcissism, and cash money.

I frequently find myself extremely hungover at work. Any tips on how to get through the day, including the possibility of sleeping at my desk? What if I have beer in my hair?

Why nap at your desk and risk all the unpleasantness that comes with getting caught when you can just go to the House nurse? I know I’ve already mentioned the House nurse as an excellent place to nap a hangover away, but I can’t recommend it highly enough. Possible excuses to lie down for an hour: “my allergies kept me up all night!” “My upstairs neighbors were having a little domestic violence last night, followed by a little domestic reconciliation if you know what I mean!” “I was at the hospital all night with possible internal bleeding after falling into the giraffe exhibit while trying to get a better look at the panda at the zoo!” There are literally a million excuses! But don’t abuse it, because so help me god if you ruin naptime with the nurse for me I’ll kick your ass. As far as the beer in the hair goes, there actually are showers that you can use in the Ford building. You might have to use hand soap, because they supply neither shampoo nor conditioner…otherwise, just go with it. Beer makes an excellent styling product! Just tell your office that it’s the hot new product in hair care, and they won’t know any better because they’re probably style-retarded like most people on the Hill.

You should do a female staffer version of Ask a Hill Staffer.

While this is more of a suggestion, I’ll still respond to it. I completely agree. If I could do a female version of myself, that would be totally awesome. You wouldn’t believe how narcissistic I am…I mean I’m sure I come across that away in this column, but it’s pretty toned down from real life. If I could find an opinionated prick with tits and a vagina, I would never need to get out of bed again. I mean, that’s half the reason I get out of bed every morning (trying to get laid that is). Another quarter of the reason being acquisition of money for drugs and alcohol (and the use of drugs and alcohol), and one quarter being the avoidance of bed sores. You’d think it would be easier to get laid around here, but I’ve been spending all my time either writing this **** ing column or climbing out of k-holes lately. I guess I might want to rethink how I manage my time. Maybe I should spend a quarter of my time making money, half of my time actually using drugs and alcohol, and a quarter of my time avoiding bed sores. Hopefully I just stumble upon getting laid accidentally that way. It is summer after all—take advantage of that extra hour of daylight! Seriously though, if you know a female version of me, steer her my way.

What sort of “pet names” do folks on the Hill use to refer to the President?

One of the more popular ways to refer to the President is not by any particular name, but rather by Bush quotes spoken in your best fake-faux Texas accent. Example (read this to yourself in your best impression of Bush’s faux-Texan): “The ol’ terra fighter is gon’ talk about free-dom in ‘Merica today. We should inform the Congressman as to the details of his speech this afternoon.” Or, “I ‘preciate y’all coming down here t’day t’talk ‘bout the future of ‘Merica. The Administration has just announced a new homeland security initiative, we should do a press release.” However, if not referring to the President via some kind of incoherent babble that is his everyday speech, I sometimes refer to him as Captain Dip **** . Donald Rumsfeld is usually the Man of Wonder (the former Boy Wonder). So in this case, you would say “Captain Dip **** is up there talking about the Man of Wonder again. Do you think it’s true that the Cap’n is going to ask him to resign?”

How much more do Senate staffers make than a House staffer in a comparable position. Say, in an SA or LA position? Please regale us with your usual snarky diatribe, but then actually answer the question as well. Unless my writing that destroyed any chance of getting a for real answer.

Since you were so sincere about it, I’ll give you the most (relatively) serious answer I’ve ever given anyone in these pages. Not serious like a heart attack or anything, but stay with me here. It might surprise most people, but House staffers make a **** load more than Senate staffers. A Senate Staff Assistant makes between 18k and 25k a year, which a House Staff Ass usually makes from 25k to 32k or so. Which makes you think…what young professional is getting by on $18,000 a year in Washington D.C.? Do you realize that’s only fifteen hundred bucks a month? And now if you are like me, you’re asking yourself “who the **** can live in Washington D.C. on $1,500 a month?” And you’re in luck, because I can answer that question. The only people who can live on $1,500 a month in Washington D.C. are either on food stamps or recent college graduates with huge allowances from their parents. I’ll let you figure out which one is working on the Hill (Hint! They don’t shop places where food stamps are accepted). Those staffers who don’t have a healthy allowance usually turn to drugs (think of the guy selling pot and listening to Dave Matthews down the hall from you in college) or prostitution of some kind or another (butt sex for money and so on). Same concept applies with Legislative Assistants…an LA in the Senate—who has to have some kind of advanced degree, keep in mind—makes somewhere in the neighborhood of 30k to 40k a year. In the House, that salary is anywhere from 40k to 55k WITHOUT GRAD SCHOOL. So, again, ask yourself “what kind of Harvard Law grad is going into a job where they only make $40k a year?” Well, either the kind that sucks too much to get a real lawyering job or one that doesn’t have any obvious need for income. And, if you want to extrapolate a real-life civics lesson here, you can probably figure out a big part of the reason why Congress (both D’s and R’s) is so out of touch with regular old Americans. Thousands of Senate staffers are playing government (and oddly enough making major policy decisions) while their parents subsidize their living. So while constituents grapple with the realities of the new economy, these staffers can continue driving their Audis and shopping at Whole Foods. Look at me, I’m in public service! I’ll refrain from pointing out the obvious irony of my current employment situation. Wait, I think I just did.

A couple of weeks ago you mentioned staying away from MCCXXIII (1223) on Sunday nights because it’s gay. It’s usually only really gay on the Sunday of a three-day weekend, like this past weekend perhaps

Whoa, good to know.

Got a question (or suggestion or statement, it looks like)? Send it our way.

Hey, guys — you kinda dropped the ball last week. There were like four questions submitted to our Anonymous Hill Staffer. You can do better than that — help us keep AHS entertained during Congressional Spring Break (they still make the staffers go to work!), he’ll help keep you entertained every Wednesday.

This week, violence, advice, and deep-seated shame. Like always, really. All that and high-seas adventure, after the jump.

If all the Senators had a Royal Rumble, who would win?

You’ve got to look for people’s weakness in a situation like this. Barack Obama? You’d think he would take the thing easily. Young, athletic, and he can charm your pants off. But as we know, he is a serious smoker. My money is on Dick Lugar, who, despite being like 80 years old, still can run a 6-minute mile. Plus, this is the guy who is pretty much single-handedly responsible for the nuclear disarmament of old Soviet stockpiles. He’ll just trot around the Senate chamber until Obama starts hacking up a lung, walk up to him, and push him over. WINNER: LUGAR.

A family member of mine is running for Congress against an established, well-funded Republican. Do you have any advice for her?

Well, if she’s a Democrat, I would tell her to keep her mouth shut. Is she as hot as Katherine Harris? If she is, she’s in luck. Otherwise, I would strongly suggest breast implants. Her message points should be simple. 1: Don’t talk. 2: Look hot. After she’s established a bit of name recognition, she could throw a horse ride in there somewhere. Her volunteers could pass out cards with a glamour shot on it. But NO TALKING! This is very important, as Democrats are heavily favored on the issues until they open their mouths. Things are looking good in general for the D’s, as long as they keep their pie holes closed until November.

Would your Senator recognize you in a crowd?

I actually voted against both my Senators, so I doubt either would recognize me in a crowd. It takes some big campaign contributions in order to get some random crowd-recognition by a Senator. You have to be in their inner circle. Be one of the “Wranglers” or whatever the **** they might call their big fundraisers. I personally haven’t given any money to any Senators, because I spend all of my disposable income at Hill bars. But my bartenders recognize me, and not having to ask for a beer is priceless.

Wait, do you mean would the guy who I work for recognize me? He probably would, but would he want to in public? Doubtful.

Does the deep stink of McCarthy still linger? How did you get it out of the furniture?

I’ve heard he used to go around marking the Judiciary Committee hearing room. I’ve also heard he had some favorite seats on the House floor, if you know what I mean. And once that stuff gets under the carpet, forget about it. The sub-flooring has got to be shot. Congress started trying to replace it in the 70’s, but gave up once the Redskins started the season. For the furniture, I usually prefer oxy clean, but you can get this enzyme-stuff at the pet store that works really well on animals piss stink. Well, it works on McCarthy piss too. But hey, it seems like Congress is pretty used to the smell of out-of-touch over-zealous Member piss, so it doesn’t look like they’re going to do anything about it any time soon.

Do you feel like Political Correctness is getting out of control? I mean, Lou Dobbs is telling it like it is. Shouldn’t Congressmen?

Generally I would agree with Lou Dobbs on everything…except…this is kind of a sensitive spot for me. My brother reminded me the other day of the years of therapy he’s gone through due to my family’s professional tradition. My dad was a pirate. Buccaneering goes way back in our family. When you think of a pirate though, you conjure up images of pillaging, scurvy, and general swashbuckling. We don’t think of someone with a family—someone’s father. My brother used to come home sobbing when the playground kids would pick on him. “Where’s your eyepatch?” “How’s your talking parrot?” Sometimes they would wear fake peg legs. You see, there’s a price when we overlook political correctness: a lifetime of scarred emotions. You’re wrong Lou Dobbs. Luckily, I divorced my deadbeat pirate father pretty early in life so I avoided all the therapy. Now I just have to put up with his drunken ass on Xmas.

Got a question? Ask us, and we’ll dodge it.

All we can say is that our Anonymous Hill Staffer needs to get laid. There is notable lack of actual sex and a surfeit of the simulated variety this week, as well as a couple lessons in increasing your word power (among other things).

AHS also let us know that he’d been drinking less than usual this week, because, apparently, a lot of work has to get done in Congress before everyone skips town on Friday. It’s Jesus’ fault, natch. “It’s his birthday or his anniversary coming up next week, so everyone’s going home to be act like they’re good Jesus-lovers.” On that note, this week’s installment of Ask A Hill Staffer is after the jump.

What are your thoughts on Andy Card stepping down as Bush’s Chief of Staff?

Let’s get to the bottom of this Andy Card thing, shall we? I have a theory that “Mr. Card” was really Bush’s coke dealer, and he used to get the President some premium Bolivian marching powder. As we know, providing quality controlled substances for the President is a very important function of the CoS, and Andy really had a good thing going. The thing is, Andy accidentally gave him a bag of Anthrax that was being tested by the FBI, mistakenly believing that it was an eight ball confiscated by the DEA. Unfortunately for Andy it was just laying around unlabeled! Poor Andy. This is the fault of Dick Cheney, who previously had volunteered to keep things straight using a special sharpie. Silly Dick! Responsibilities are now being re-delegated to Dr. Condi Rice. Good for Condi! On the bright side, the health staff of the White House believes that snorting a line of Anthrax may actually have improved Bush’s cognitive capacity.

What is the most ridiculous task your boss has asked you to do/ What is the craziest constituent phone call you have received?

In an answer that kind of fits both questions, we once had a constituent call in who was mad about getting porn spam emails, and wanted my boss to put an end to it. I mean, who doesn’t like porn? Nobody doesn’t like porn. What a crazy **** . Well, we had to answer him anyway because our boss answers everybody. So we set our intern out looking up porn on the internet, trying to find out where this guy’s porn was coming from. We didn’t really expect her to look into it, but she did. So, 100’s of teen sensation, penis enlargement, and fetish emails later, not to mention a severe infestation of spyware, we were still stumped. But we did get our intern to look up porn for about an hour, so it was well worth it. In the end, I think we told the guy that Congress passed a bill or something.

There are ‘goo-goo’ types on both sides of the aisle, right?

Man, what the HELL are you talking about? Don’t make me feel retarded by using obscure phrases that I’m not familiar with. I know I went to a public school, but that’s just not cool. I’ll take a stab at it though and say “goo-goo type” means “crazy as balls” or maybe “senile.” Well, yeah, in that case both sides have them. Lets look at the Carolinas for a few examples. First, you have Jesse Helms from North Cacalaca, who we now know has dementia, which I feel like I’ll be going to hell for pointing out…but come on. He was a U.S. Senator up until a few years ago, zipping around the Capitol in an electric rascal. Didn’t anybody say “hey Senator, you’re as crazy as Ronnie Reagan, why not step down?” Well, maybe they did, but he was too crazy to listen. Not to be outdone, Fritz Hollings from South Carolina was pretty nuts before he retired. My favorite memory of him is on the floor of the Senate as he hopped around, waving his hands yelling things like “hibbidy dibbidy! Baloney!” Very Mr. Smith-esque, if Mr. Smith was an 85-year old with memory trouble and incontinence. I could probably pick an example from every state, but I won’t. I’ll leave that up to you, Mr. Fancy Words Guy.

This is not, I imagine, your area of expertise, but you might know anyway: I’m considering interning on the Hill, but have a fairly important question to get answered first. Namely, is the Hill a good place to pick up chicks, if one is a chick? My experiences interning at my state capitol have spoiled me, (you would be amazed how many Republican interns are interested in discrete Sapphic lovefests) and I’m curious whether the pickings are as good on a national level.

Since I had no idea what “goo-goo type” meant, I decided to actually look into the word Sapphic. So, in researching for this question the other day at work (and yes I do my own research, as Wonkette won’t lend me the intern and I think I’d get fired for using the office interns), I googled the word “Sapphic.” Does anybody know what comes up when you google the word Sapphic? I bet you’re trying it right now. Well, for starters, I got “Lesbian-XXX,” “Erotica,” “Erotic Festival Warning Page,” and “amazing quality teen lesbian videos and photos sets.” And yes, I was doing this research at work, so it was a little awkward when my Chief of Staff happened to walk by. Point being, now that I know what you’re getting at…this is a fairly important question. For the love of God, I hope there are Sapphic lovefests going on all over the Hill for both our sakes. If you can’t find any, I’d certainly encourage you to start some. Be sure to invite me so I can report back to the readers here.

Is security around the Hill adequate? If I had a machete would it get through the crack security team?

I used to bring a Swiss Army knife in all the time, so as long as your machete can fold up into your pocket I think you’ll be fine. Also, I think if you painted your machete like a blackberry, you should be OK if you send it through the x-ray machine. That might fool them. Or distract them with some porn as you walk through—flash a centerfold right as your machete passes through and you’ll cruise on by. Works every time! And in related news, I think I’ve been over this before, but something to watch out for is the drug smuggling. Those officers sometimes pay attention to the x-ray machines now, so if you must bring drugs into the Capitol complex—as you go through security, please jock them like you’re going to a Phish concert in high school. It’s for your own good. Regardless of what they look like, they are real cops and they will throw a good olde-fashioned hippy beat down party if they catch you.

You got questions? We got snide responses.

Our good friend the Anonymous Hill Staffer seems to be in a bit of a bad mood this week, but fear not — he did let us know that with Spring springing (or so we hear, we haven’t left our apartment during daylight hours for a week at least), the skintern season shall soon begin in earnest. So his answers to next week’s questions ought to be a bit more cheerful, if also a bit distracted.

This week, a very civic-minded edition covers working for Congress, sex again, and a wonderful idea for the Reagan memorial.

If Members of Congress are only working 97 days per year, what are they doing the rest of the time?

Listen, if Members of Congress worked more than 97 days per year, when would they have time to take junkets to Scotland? Congressing is hard work, pal. I think I detect a hint of sarcasm in your voice, and I don’t think America’s Members of Congress would appreciate it. You probably only went to class, what, 3 days a week in college. By comparison, Congress is working its collective ass off. They need their breaks, just like you did in college. Except instead of throwing a 4-way frat party or setting a couch on fire to blow off steam, they’re throwing $250,000 fundraisers and golfing in places where the likes of you will never step foot. What’s the difference, really?

I’ve seen “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,” I know what Hill life is like, right?

Yes. What is especially accurate is the part about how Mr. Smith actually cares about the minutiae of his state and doesn’t do any fundraising. Oh, and how he does a 24-hour filibuster by yelling “WHOOOAAAAAA boys camp. BOYS CAMP!” Except, whereas Congress is kind of like a warm cuddly puppy in “Mr. Smith,” the real Congress is more like a warm cuddly puppy that starts scratching you and pissing all over you when you pick it up at the pet store. And then when you put it down, it poops all over your shoes. That thing is better off behind the glass at the pet store, looking cute and rolling in its own poop. You’re going to regret it when you start **** ing around with it and try to bring it home.

How do I learn about job openings on the Hill?

I’ve been getting this a lot lately, so I’ve cooked up a few easy steps to Hill employment:
1) Get a job interning on the Hill — offices are always looking to hire eager interns! Your chances here go up exponentially if you have a set of tits. If you don’t have them, consider fake tits for the duration of the internship.
B) Make a friend who works on the Hill — then buy them beers in exchange for job opening announcements! If you need to make friends on the Hill, consider selling drugs in a bathroom in the Cannon House office building.
4) Convince your dad to donate to a Congressman/Senator’s campaign. If he donates enough, you can just skip the first two methods because they’ll just make an opening for you!
You see, learning about jobs on the Hill is easy. What’s that? Haven’t tried any of these things yet? Well, donā€™t worry, the day is still young. Hopefully your dad is on the west coast — it will only be around 9 or 10 there — so you can get him writing checks to Congressmen before lunchtime! Good luck from here on out!

I’m coming to DC on business this month, and I’m planning on pretending to be a foreign journalist to get chicks. My question is, can you recommend a bar where this line of BS might work?

I’d go with something on K street or Connecticut avenue, like 1223 (or MXCCLVIVC or whatever the **** it’s actually called) or Five. The girls there are superficial, hot, and dumb as **** . None of them are involved in politics nor do they particularly pay attention to current events, so they’ll eat just about anything you feed them. As part of your cover, be sure to mention that you are extremely wealthy. Do you have a foreign passport? A foreign accent? If not, you might want to consider fakes for the night. You can get about halfway by saying “no?” or “yes?” at the end of all your sentences. But don’t go on Sunday nights if you’re looking to get chicks, because it turns into a gay bar. Or at least thatā€™s what I’ve heard.

If you could paint a mural on one of the Capitol walls, what would you paint?

I would paint a mural of Ronald Reagan, because he doesn’t have enough **** in his honor around Washington. The Capitol would make the perfect place for a new memorial to our 40th President. I’d paint it of his life: the son of a hard working New Deal union man who grows up to become President of the SAG. This would segue into the part of his life where he stabs his fellow union members in the back by negotiating sweetheart deals with the mob and outing the Communists. His dad would be watching in the background with an “Iā€™m disappointed in you, son,” look. You know, like when your dad doesnā€™t yell but makes you feel really bad? And then, I would move on to the part where he divorces his first wife and estranges himself from his kids. Oh yeah, then on to the part where he marries Nancy so he can run for office. I would end it with him going bat **** insane with Alzheimer’s and Nancy ironically lobbying the Republican party that he built to allow for more embryonic stem-cell research. But don’t worry, the lobbying would be interpretive so as not to be offensive. And Reagan would be smiling. How much room do I have for this mural? I forgot Iran-Contra!

Got a question? Ask away.

Here’s what our Anonymous Hill Staffer had to say when he sent this one in: “I’d just like to point out that I started these sober, but finished them drunk (as we’ve been drinking in the office for the last two hours).” Looks like someone stopped by Schneider’s. It’s a great country, ain’t it?

This week, AHS lays down the gospel on Robert Byrd, protests, ice cream, petty theft, Goldie Hawn for some reason, public transportation, and, making its glorious return after a prudish last week, sex. Creepy old man sex, sure, but still sex. As usual, submit your questions here, and read the Good News You’re Not Hearing after the jump.

Would you have sex with the politician you work for in order to get a big promotion? How much would I have to pay you to have sex with Robert Byrd? p.s. Is he wearing blush in that picture?

If the politician in question is the Katherine Harris we’ve been seeing on Wonkette lately, then the answer is Y-E-S…if only to find out what the deal is with those boobs. I mean, she’s got some cannons. And she’s rich. I’d let her infuse my campaign with ten million bucks, if you know what I mean! As far as sex with Robert Byrd, the going rate is $712 per five minutes (not including expenses) for me to sleep with him. And yes, he is wearing blush in that picture. It’s because he’s actually dead and they have to dress him up Weekend at Bernie’s-style in order to keep him legislating. Thus the blush, because he’s actually been dead for the last two Congresses. And if you look closely, you can tell he’s wearing lipstick. Except I think this picture is just of the wax model that they use for photos around the office. I’ve heard the staffers over there use it to have tea parties too.

Have you ever heard a protest going on outside that you later joined?

Last year, a bunch of hippies had an anti-ANWR protest (by which I think they meant anti-drilling in ANWR, but whatever). I totally hit that up. I think they all got there and forgot what they were doing and decided to have a party instead. Ben and Jerry’s got in on the act somehow, so they had a 1,000 pound (NO JOKE!!!) baked Alaska made with some ice cream flavor they called “Fossil Fuels” or some **** . Then some guy in a bear suit started running around on the Capitol’s front lawn. Plus there were a bunch of guys playing Frisbee and devil sticks, sweet! It wasn’t much of a protest in the end, I guess. More like a **** ed up Flaming Lips video/Phish concert in front of the Capitol. But hey, nobody’s drilling in ANWR yet, so I guess it worked. Next time they’re in town, sign me up!

Have you ever stolen office supplies to send as “stocking stuffers” for Christmas? I’m sure the official seal of the Senate (or wherever you work) goes over really well with the family.

Of course I have, dumbass. What’s cooler than getting a legal pad with “U.S. Senate” emblazoned in gold across the top? That’s the envy of my brother’s Philo 201 course this semester! People outside the beltway think trinkets like that are really cool. It’s like giving beads to Indians. His friends all say “wow, did a Senator give you that?” And he usually says yes. Sometimes, he says “my brother gave it to me,” and then tells people I’m sleeping with the Senator’s wife, and that’s how I got it…if by “sleeping with the Senator’s wife” he means sneaking to the supply cabinet with my backpack after the office closet and jamming it full of anything with the Senate seal that I can get my hands on …

Are the senators and reps as worthless/inept up close as they from far away?

Have you ever picked up one of those National Enquirers when they do “stars without makeup?” You know, like pictures of Goldie Hawn with and without makeup on? So with makeup she’s oh-so-hot, but then you see her without any on and realize she’s more like your wheezy 60-year old aunt. Senators and Reps are kind of like that. On TV, they may seem like they’re worthless, but it’s nothing compared to how worthless they are in person. It takes them hours to put themselves together in order to look as inept as they do on TV—imagine how inept they are without any prep. God bless America!

I would like to know how Hill Staffers manage to get to work on time using the Metro system.

I would like to know how Hill staffers manage to get to work on time using the Metro system as well, seeing as most don’t make enough to have a car. I sure as **** don’t make it in on time most days (I think that’s due mainly to the hangovers…but the red line’s **** ty service doesn’t do me any favors when I roll out of bed at 8:15 and need to be at work at 9). I guess “on time” is a loose term too, given that a lot of offices don’t give a **** when they open up shop since they don’t do anything all day. Offices also give their staffers 100 bucks in metro checks a month to take the metro. I’ve often asked if I can get that in cash instead of metro checks for, um, various expenses I incur throughout the month, but the answer is always a pretty firm no. Also, most bars do NOT take metro checks as payment for alcohol, which is pretty unfortunate.

Got a question? Ask away.

It’s Wednesday, and you know what that means: 25¢ wings at Stetsons! Oh, and another installment of Ask a Hill Staffer, Wonkette’s regular guide to work and play at the Capitol. Our Anonymous Staffer answers all your questions with nary a complaint, and he does it all for the love of the game (and cases of Bud Ice).

This week, AHS explains tax policy, confronts a Canadian, talks about drugs, and, uh, talks some more about drugs. Much less sex than usual. As always, we’d like to remind you to keep sending those questions in, because otherwise AHS has nothing to put in the Microsoft Word window he uses to look busy when his CoS walks by.

About this flat tax thing….Do I get a tax CREDIT if I get my breasts enlarged?

This is why you can’t trust Republicans. No, if we do the flat tax thing, you will not be able to deduct anything or get a credit for anything. Everybody pays the same taxes. Sounds a little like Communism, huh? How un-American is that? Aren’t breast enlargements on demand what made America great? You don’t see people walking around Estonia with fake tits, do you? We’re talking about our way of life here. If the flat tax goes through, you’ll see a dramatic decrease in the amount of fake tits being put in. And the terrorists will win.

Hi Hill Staffer, I’m a Canadian. America seems to continually want to do things like apply illegal import tariffs on Canadian goods, and try to steal huge amounts of water from the Great Lakes. So seriously, as your largest trading partner, enormous energy supplier, and longest undefended border (not to mention supplier of great pot and music), do people on the Hill even give a **** about our existence? If so, could you stop doing retarded **** to us? Please?

Easy there, captain. Can you stop being Canadian? Then, yes, we will stop doing stupid **** to you. Until then, you’re never going to get over this anger problem until you fully accept your place in the world as America Junior. Maybe, just maybe, we would care about Canada if you find a little oil in Toronto. We’ll start paying attention long enough to stick an oil derrick where the CN tower used to be. We’re too busy stopping abortions, same sex marriage, and lawsuits over here to really care that much about Canada. You have your own parliament, don’t you? Figure this stuff out for yourself. And stealing water from the great lakes? Last I checked those were in America, buddy. It’s Lake Michigan, not Lake Ontario. Oh and congratulations, I didn’t know Canadians had computers now. Did you make those yourself or steal the idea from Americans like you did with the Blackberry?

P.S. Thanks for the pot and music. And Blackberries. No hard feelings?

How rampant is drug use on the Hill? Is it just a few folks chilling out with a joint (maybe with a certain Rep. from Wisconsin, or so I hear), or is it performance enhancing adderal? Or are some aides, like Paris Hilton, doing rails off the National Archives?

I would simply answer this by saying that I am going to go find out what office Paris Hilton is working for, or possibly go meet her at the National Archives. I will then ask her who her dealer is. And if you would please forward the name of this certain Rep. From Wisconsin, that would be greatly appreciated as well. When it comes to performance enhancing drugs, I’ll just say people look more like the old Barry Bonds than the new Barry Bonds. I hope this answers your question.

Statement: I think this is my favorite part of Wonkette.

Response: You don’t think it is. You KNOW it is.

What’s the worst part about the tightened security at the capitol?

Trying to get your drug paraphernalia through security is incredibly difficult now. Remember when Phil English’s intern got caught sneaking her one-hitter through security (see question re:Paris Hilton’s drug habit)? Well, it’s no coincidence that people weren’t caught doing this before September 11th. Now the Cap Police actually glance up at the x-ray machine once and a while. **** , the terrorists really are winning. Also, the Cap Police have started carrying machine guns. And believe me, having a machine gun pointed at your balls when you’re getting off the Metro at Capitol South really sucks.

Got a question (or a statement, we guess)? Ask away.

“Boy,” you say to yourself. “There are a lot of things about the workings of our legislative branch that weren’t covered by Schoolhouse Rock. Where can I go to learn all that stuff the Liberal Edutainment Industry doesn’t want me to know?”

Right here, chief. We got ourselves a pet Hill Staffer who’s dying to hear from you. He wants nothing more than to answer your questions. This week, Unnamed Junior Offical covers congressional sex (again — you people really need a hobby), official letters from MAVERICKS, and, naturally, soup. Catch up on your civics, after the jump. And make sure to send us more questions by shooting us an email with “Ask a Hill Staffer” in the subject line.

Will chicks sleep with you if you work for a Senator? Will chicks sleep with me if I say I work for a Senator?

Not just any chicks will — Hill chicks will sleep with you! And it depends what you say you do for the Senator. If you are, say, a Legislative Correspondent, you can get Staff Assistants and LC’s from the House side to sleep with you. If you say you’re a Legislative Assistant, you can get Staff Asses and LC’s as well as LA’s from the House to sleep with you. Get the pattern? Pretty much anybody beneath you in the Congressional pecking order will sleep with you. Well, if you say you’re a Senator, you can get just about anybody to sleep with you except other Senators. So if you had your eyes on Susan Collins, well, you better tell her you’re the **** ing President. It just isn’t going to happen any other way…by the way, if you try this on Mary Bono and it happens to work, let me know!

Do opposites attract? I would love to get my hands on many members of the Republican Party just to **** the stupid out of them. Do you get this urge working on the Hill?

You know how you always have dust on your TV? The dust is positive, the TV is negative, ergo, opposites do attract. So the answer to your first question is yes, and our little science experiment proves it. I take it you’re a Democrat…don’t give up on trying to **** the stupid out of them, because if science has anything to say about it, you’ve got a shot. And maybe, just maybe, once all that stupid is out of them they’ll wise up and turn into Democrats. You’d really be doing a public service, because hot Democrats are few and far between! But then again, if they become Democrats, you won’t stand much of a chance when it comes to **** ing the stupid back into them. Think about this carefully, my friend. The answer to your second question is yes, I get this urge approximately two times every legislative day working on the Hill.

Have you ever wanted to sabotage official letters from politicians with brilliant quips such as, “To The Honorable Poopy Head George W. Bush!” or “Sincerely Yours, John ( I’m **** ing war hero — dig it?) McCain”

Buddy, if you can figure out a way to send official letters from John “I’m a **** ing war hero—dig it?” McCain to the Honorable Poopy Head George W. Bush, let me know, because I’ve been dreaming of the day that will happen. I think another good one would be Vern “I’m red because I’m so hot” Ehlers in a letter to Sheila “that’s right bitch” Jackson “Didn’t you hear me the first **** ing time” Lee. Or you could just make like Peter “Pedro” King and tell your constituents they’re retarded when you don’t agree with them. Seriously, it takes some balls to tell people “You are morally, intellectually and politically wrong” when you have to run for office every 2 years. It’s also cool that the Chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee doesn’t care that he’s a total **** . Get bent, terrorists!

What the **** is up with that senator bean soup?

My little brother asks me this question all the time, and I’ll tell you the same thing I tell him: the secret ingredient is not beans, it’s Senators. Strom Thurmond’s casket was empty. The chopped him up into a million little pieces and are slowly adding him to the soup. Pretty much every former Senator becomes Senate Bean Soup when they die, except for the ones that become Presidents. Sitting Senators need a bowl a day in order to maintain their superior legislative powers. Without it, they can’t legislate, nor can they effectively waste your tax dollars. The filibuster is not a political move, it’s just something they do while they’re cooking up a new batch of Senate Bean Soup or waiting for another Senator to die.

(Got a question? Ask away.)