Wonkette

We went to Joe the Plumber’s DTV homeland security education site to see if Ad #2 had surface yet, and no luck. But here’s a comical form, of sorts, where we are asked whether we “like” this man that the company is paying to endorse their products. In other words, they’re trying to figure out if people are signing up for e-mail updates to learn about their fake plastic space gizmo, or if people just want to be alerted for their next mocking blog post. [Velocity Store]

The FCC has announced a bold new socialist plan to provide wireless Internet all over America, for free! But it won’t have any pr0n, so Americans won’t actually use this free gift. Also, it will be hella slow, as it will be operated by wireless companies forced to do so, by the government, and in competition with the for-profit porn Internet wireless service, which will be super fast. [Silicon Valley Insider/Wall Street Journal]

Everyone loves George W. Bush so much, and even more so when he gets all cute and modest about his epic record of WIN. Over the Thanksgiving holiday, Bush invited hungry street urchin Charles Gibson into his secret Appalachian masturbatorium, Camp David, for a series of interviews with himself and his first lady, Laura. There is a 7-page transcript. Page 3 is where the cool kids are hanging out. MORE »

Barack Obama stands one-hundred feet tall and is made of golden chocolate. So his magical transition podium is a sky-high phallic monument to his greatness and tallness, so all the short ladies he keeps appointing to his Cabinet, for laughs, all look like that terrible Martian from the Flintstones (?!) cartoons with the bug antennae coming out of his fat head. [Gawker]

SPACE JESUS WILL FROWN AT YOU TONIGHT!!! Here’s a fun astronomical thing you can enjoy even if you live in the filthy light-polluted city: Figure out how to go outside and look at the sky, to the south (Google can help you find “south,” maybe!), about 20 minutes after sundown, and you will see what looks like a shitty sideways frowny-face emoticon up there, in space! That’s Jupiter as the top eye, Venus as the other eye, and the Islamic Moon as the frowny mouth. Allah really does hate you! But He loves the people of his homeland, Australia, so those people got to see a happy face! [National Geographic/Fox News]

Several years ago, Hillary Clinton’s shadowy cabal whispered to every known news agency that she, Hillary Clinton, would be secretary of state for Obama, making her the first white lady to be secretary of state in eight years! This historical appointment was almost ruined by Hillary’s terrible “husband,” who did not want to reveal the names of donors to his special foundation dedicated to flying Bill around on a jet full of booze and broads. MORE »

It seems like just yesterday our little recession spent all its time wailing for food and pooping its pants, but it’s already pretty big! Soon it will be all growns up and cooking meth in the back yard shed while it asks us for “rent money.” The National Bureau of Economic Research says our recession is one year old, in the sense that the employment situation was at its very awesomest one year ago. Since then we have all lost our jobs and begun eating melamine-tainted cat food for sustenance. [MarketWatch]

• Barack Obama revealed his National Security Team of Rivals today. The shadowy cabal is headed up by his notorious arch-enemy Janet Napolitano. [CBS News]
• The Media and The Retailers are complicit in perpetuating the myth of Black Friday, in which a Wal-Mart worker is trampled to death to commemorate the birth of our Lord and savior, Ronald McDonald. [New York Times]
• Very recently, your left-wing PBS “Frontline” producers were warning that Pakistan was hosed six ways from Sunday and would give the Western world night terrors for years to come, and voila, the attacks in India appear to come from a Pakistani militant group. [Christian Science Monitor]
• The mayor of Birmingham, Alabama has been arrested for some sort of boring financial crookery. [Bloomberg]
• If you live in Australia, you will have a chance to see the moon making a smiley face at you and HAUNTING YOUR DREAMS. [Fox News]

???: “Bush should consider pardoning–and should at least be vociferously praising–everyone who served in good faith in the war on terror, but whose deeds may now be susceptible to demagogic or politically inspired prosecution by some seeking to score political points. The lawyers can work out if such general or specific preemptive pardons are possible; it may be that the best Bush can or should do is to warn publicly against any such harassment or prosecution. But the idea is this: The CIA agents who waterboarded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, and the NSA officials who listened in on phone calls from Pakistan, should not have to worry about legal bills or public defamation. In fact, Bush might want to give some of these public servants the Medal of Freedom at the same time he bestows the honor on Generals Petraeus and Odierno. They deserve it.” [Bolding of incredible statement is ours.] The people who gathered reliable intelligence without breaking domestic/international law, however, should be sent to Gitmo for being such pussies. [Weekly Standard via Andrew Sullivan]

THE GREAT THANKSGIVING WARS: “A mob of bargain-crazed cretins smashed down the glass doors of a Long Island Wal-Mart and stomped the life out of a gentle man hired by a temporary agency to mind the store. Across the country in a Palm Desert strip mall, a bloody fistfight between two charming young women ended with two men dead, after a gunfight in the aisles of Toys R Us.” [AOL Political Machine]