This is a guest post from your compatriot Alex Ruthrauff, aka “Sheriff Joe Biden.”
We are all Jetsons now with our 3D printers spitting out all kinds of shit all the time, like houses and ears and spiky-tipped dildos and also now guns named by unimaginative libertarian dipsticks. Meet the, ahem, “Liberator,” everybody! The New York Post has a typically panicked cover story about the first functional 3D printed gun. This is supposed to give us the vapors, because “the weapon would elude metal detection,” and the company behind it is about to publish the blueprints, so “anyone, including terrorists” can print one. While panic is always fun and it would be even more fun to see what would happen if we all as a group fainted at the same time, there are a few reasons why nobody should freak out about this. READ MORE »
As you probably heard, the National Rifle Association held its annual firearms-stroking meeting over the weekend in Houston. And where a lot of state legislatures would just pass a resolution declaring “Suck My Machine Gun Week” or some such, the Texas House instead celebrated the Holy Armed Presence by passing a dozen laws to make that state even more friendly to gun owners than it already is, because nobody tops Texas when it comes to hospitality. With these bold bills, which include allowing university students to carry handguns to class, the Texas legislature (which Molly Ivins used to call the “national laboratory for bad government”) has secured its nomination for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award. READ MORE »
Beloved nut Michele Bachmann, whom we mostly picture these days as a wee Roomba whirring around on the carpet of her House offices sucking up dropped pain pills, is having some legal problems lately. Have you heard? The chief justice of the Iowa Supreme Court will name an independent investigator to look at claims she illegally hired Iowa state Sen. Kent Sorenson to work for her failed (in the political not the comedy sense) presidential campaign. This allegation was recently backed up by her former staffer Andy Parrish with an affidavit along the lines of, “yeah, she knew about it.” The situation is apparently Quite Serious because “hella campaign finance violations,” and the stress is taking such a toll on Michele Bachmann that Michele Bachmann claimed during a House speech that Michele Bachmann voted against spending cuts out of fear they would hurt the poor. Shit is serious. READ MORE »
YOU GUYS! ELIZABETH COLBERT BUSCH IS A COMMON CRIMER, and GATEWAY PUNDIT HAS THE GOODS!!!!1! What goods? Just the GOODEST KIND OF GOODS! “Elizabeth Colbert Busch is running for Congress.
She’s also running from her criminal past.” Her criminal past? Fuck yeh. READ MORE »
Hey, remember that fun video (above) of Geraldo Rivera laying down a righteous hissy over the LIES and PRIMROSE PATHS paved by his buddies, the Fox & Friends? It was from two days before the election, and Geraldo was in his finest mettle, like, waving a baby at a Katrina bridge INSANITY. He was yelling about Benghazi, and how Fox News was a LIAR (without ever saying the name Fox News) and on and on. It was fun! Hey Mikey, we liked it!
But do you know who didn’t like it? Fox News chief Roger Ailes, who reportedly called down to the control room to cut Gerry’s mic like he was a hapless Bill O’Reilly guest. Uh oh! READ MORE »
Well well well NRA, it looks like maybe you do not love the prologue to the Second Amendment (the “First” Amendment, whatever that might be) that much after all! That is because you shockingly asked Zombie Industries to remove its Zombie “Rockie” target from view at your big shindig over the weekend, the one we paid zero attention to at all. What’s the matter, NRA? Can’t stand a little zombie free speech about the Right … TO DIE??? READ MORE »
A guest post from your compatriot Alex Ruthrauff, aka “Sheriff Joe Biden.” Charles Krauthammer is known to many Americans as a roasted chicken perched atop a can of cheap domestic beer. He has a lucrative job writing untrue things about important topics like politics, war, economics and history in order to prevent too many people from becoming informed.
He must be very smart because he has figured out a way to get newspapers like The Washington Post to pay him huge sums of money for writing untrue things even though The Washington Post Company’s own motto (?) is “informing people through education and media”, which is another way of saying “the opposite of what Charles Krauthammer does for us, for money.” If The Washington Post were a plumber, Charles Krauthammer would be the gnawed-up corncob the plumber flushes down your toilet, because fuck you. (Jennifer Rubin is also the corncob.)
Charles Krauthammer’s most recent thing he wrote for money goes on and on about how Obama is now “dead in the water” because he is a loser, for example sequester, immigration, terrorists, guns, etc. OK, while these are surely disputable assertions, they aren’t false per se. What’s going on here?!
Oh thank goodness—here we go: READ MORE »
Greetings, heathen scum! Are you ready for more Bible Science? Get your rubber gloves on, because we’re continuing our dissection of a textbook from Bob Jones University Press, Biology For Christian Schools, by William S. Pinkston. Last week, we learned about the very scientific theory of the “canopy” of water that floated above the atmosphere, just waiting for God to drop it on the Earth so He could kill every living thing that wasn’t on Noah’s Ark. In this week’s installment, it’s time for the Flood itself, which totally happened and was real, as proven by scientific facts in the Book of Genesis. READ MORE »
Turtle-brained fuckwit Niall Ferguson, an economic historian at Harvard and right-wing mouthpiece, has a novel new take on why Keynesian economic theory is garbage. Since the world recently learned that the destructive austerity policies major countries keep adopting came from two other Harvard professors who couldn’t work an Excel spreadsheet, Ferguson took the stage at a conference and countered with an argument that amounted to: “John Maynard Keynes was a huge fag.”
Damn gays! First they ruined marriage for all of us by wanting to get married, and now we find out they want to take out the entire world economy with unrestrained stimulus spending. Is there no end to the gays’ treachery?
Ferguson has strong supporting evidence for his thesis, of course: READ MORE »
So, you may remember Zach Kopplin, the awesome 19 year old dude from Louisiana who’s been trying to overturn his state’s idiotic “Louisiana Science Education Act,” that state’s brilliant 2008 law that allows teachers to bring in “supplemental” materials when discussing science they don’t like, such as climate change or evolution. Sorry to say it, but last week, Kopplin and his best ally in the state Senate, state Sen. Karen Carter Peterson, once again failed to overcome the Forces of Stupid when a committee killed, for the third time, a bill by Sen. Petersen to repeal the anti-science measure.
At least the debacle was not without its silver lining: One of the senators who voted to keep the law was Elbert Guillory (D-Opelousas),* who likes the idea of keeping an open mind about science, because what do we even know about reality anyway? The good senator earns the distinction of being the first Democrat to win nomination for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award, because he worried that requiring science to be taught in science classes might squelch progress in the important scientific disciplines of voodoo, faith-healing, and hocus-pocus. READ MORE »
Since this is a politics blog, I, Kid Zoom, your Teen Korner for Teenz president (and sole member), have decided to write something about politics this week. We teenz tend to put pretty much everything else in our lives first. As a perfect example of this, I was planning on using this for my THIRD column, but instead, a friend came out to me, some jackass prank called a bomb threat, and I broke Mrs. Kid’s heart but not really. So basically to answer your question “Kid, how do the teenz feel about politics?’ the answer is Facebook. (THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS FACEBOOK.)
Facebook activism is basically the equivalent of that one wingnut-asshole or Libunatic in your Government 101 class that HAS to let everybody know why the communist/fascist government is going to kill/silence us all by taking away our guns/speech. If you are not privy to EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT AND THOUGHTLET going through his head, then you are missing out, big-time. READ MORE »
If you’re as old as we are, and have had as much exposure to Reg’lar ‘Murica as we have, you are probably still a bit dizzied at the pace at which the majority of Americans went from “Ew! Gheys!” to “Ah, ain’t that a cute lesbian couple!” We close our eyes, breathe deeply and meditate on this nice trend of niceness whenever someone talks about gun violence, or obesity, or “creation science.”
This epidemic of tolerance bleeding toward acceptance (eventually to wind up at Celebration) is not isolated to the Lieberals and Mushy Middle any more, no, sir! Republicans with gay children no longer feel compelled to hide them away in their gay closets, but are emboldened to endorse their civil and human rights, just as if they were regular human beings.
This would all be well and good to the Gun and Fambly conservatives, who know that most rich Republicans are going to hell anyway because they belong to weird cults like the Presbyterian or Roman Catholic “churches.” But now, rich Republicans are spending their election munniez speech not to elect wingnuts who reliably back “free” markets as long as they get to spend most of their time opposing abortosodomy but to help gay marriage get legalized!!!11!!!
Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council is so disturbed by this trend that he was unable to froth at the mouth about it. He instead merely noted that there aren’t that MANY billionaires devoted to this cause yet. “They have money, but they’re few in number,” Perkins said, presumably with a straight face, before individually writing thank you letters to all 12 members of the One Million Moms. READ MORE »
Hey, which state hates Poors the most? If you guessed Florida, we’d understand your instincts, but you’d be wrong (today anyway) because Wisconsin is going to prohibit Poors from buying several types of cheese. Yes, cheese. Not “cheez” or “cheez füd” but “cheese,” as in Swiss, Cheddar, and low sodium. (No word yet on cedar cheese or those cakes we like.) From NBC15: READ MORE »
We are basically in an imminent death-spiral, says a new report that will probably be ignored:
Senior US government officials are to be briefed at the White House this week on the danger of an ice-free Arctic in the summer within two years.
Worried? Don’t be! First of all, this will mostly affect Poors and women, and who cares about them? Nobody, that’s who, otherwise they wouldn’t be Poors. Or women, duh. Also, the Free Market will rescue them anyway (assuming, of course, that global warming doesn’t set all the Bootstraps on fire and cause a global Bootstrap shortage), and even if it doesn’t, there will be a Second Coming and it will all be part of God’s Plan.
And we still haven’t gotten to the BEST PART, which is that an ice-free summer means more oil and more jobs for everyone!
READ MORE »
Alabama, you have given this nation so much: George Wallace, Bull Connor, Roy Moore, insanely restrictive abortion laws, Richard Shelby AND Jeff Sessions in the same Congress, crappy Neil Young songs, and even crappier Lynrd Skynrd responses. Your generosity in contributing to this nation’s civic and cultural life is so vast, we can never repay you. So we’re begging you to stop. No seriously, please stop.
What’s that? You have one more gift to bestow upon America? Is it a pony? We love ponies! No? It’s this guy? Oh. Thanks. We love it. Do you by chance have the receipt? Why? Oh no reason, it’s just that we have so many stereotypical Southern fat-ass good ol’ boys working on marching us back to the nineteenth century (the first half anyway, because that was the better half) we couldn’t possibly find a use for another one.
Everyone meet Jim Porter, the incoming president of the NRA. No, he is not replacing vile bleeding anus Wayne LaPierre, who is the august organization’s vice-president and still its most prominent mouthpiece. But based on this video and the stories we dug up about him, we’re betting Jim Porter will not be a moderating influence: READ MORE »
