We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Not Pay Taxes On Soda, Not While ISIS Is Still Around

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
On this week’s Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, Sarah Palin picks on Connecticut State Rep. Juan Candelaria for having the GALL to propose a tax on sugary soft drinks. Doesn’t Rep. Candelaria know that taxes kill jobs? But rather than learning this Dummycrat about how taxes make all jobs die forever, Sarah Palin explains the real problem: that ISIS exists, and therefore the Connecticut General Assembly—and by extension Barack Obama, we suppose?—had ...
  Jesus Built My Critical Thinking

Alabama Rep. Saves Schoolkids From Learning They Are Disgusting Monkeys

'Maybe God made a monkey that doesn't like to think it's a monkey, and lies a lot.' -- Joe Rogan
This is exciting! Alabama state Rep. Mack “Not a Porn Name” Butler has introduced a bill that will encourage students to “think critically” about science by allowing teachers greater latitude to add stuff to science classes that isn’t so much science as not science, so everyone can learn more better! As Butler explains on his highly amusing Facebook page, it’s all about freedom and openness, and learning that we didn’t come from monkeys! House Bill ...
  nice time!

Nice Time: Stephen Colbert Saves South Carolina Schools From Jerks Who Run South Carolina

Thumbs up for education!
Is our South Carolina children learning? Stephen Colbert, South Carolina native, decided to do his part to make sure that “YES THEY IS,” by announcing that he, along with some of his buddy-pals from this big money foundation, would be chipping in $800,000 in order to fund every single grant requested by South Carolina teachers on the DonorsChoose.org website, which acts as a sort of Kickstarter for teachers all over the country, so that they can afford to give their kids the ...
  This Fuckin' Guy

Florida Gov. Rick Scott: Yes, I Am A Lying Piece Of Sh*t

Yes, he's a monster
Need another reason to hate Florida’s governor with the fire of a thousand suns melting the ice caps to drown the state, even though you’re not allowed to say that there? Probably not, but Rick Scott is nothing if not ambitious, so here ya go, have some more hate for the guy: He now says his support for Medicaid expansion was a calculated move designed to win support from the Obama administration for the state’s proposal to hand over control of Medicaid to private insurance ...
  so this is weird

North Las Vegas Mayor Is Not Familiar With His Kiddie Porn, No Siree

Apparently before he found the kiddie porn on his iPad, Mayor Lee was very excited about the Independence Day Jubilee.
It’s that age-old story. You open your iPad and the internet goblins have put a bunch of kiddie porn on it, so you freak out and call the cops, who are your friends, because you are the mayor of North Las Vegas, Nevada, and they come get it and wipe it clean for you. Wait, what? This is a thing that happened, though details are very, very sketchy. According to a police report from a certain Detective Mark Hoyt, North Las Vegas Mayor John Lee “grabbed” an officer at the ...
  you break it you buy it

Bill Clinton Sorry He Put Everyone In Jail

Still not as bad as starting a phony war, but yeah, sorry about that
President Bill Clinton would like you to know he feels kind of bad now about some of the unintended consequences of the 1994 Crime Bill he signed, like the “three strikes” provision and some other stuff that led to prison overcrowding. Honestly, nobody could have seen it coming, except maybe all the progressives at the time who predicted the law would fill up the prisons with nonviolent drug offenders, and nobody cared much because who wants to be called soft on crime? In an ...
  GOP outreach strikes again!

House GOP Figures It’s Safe To Ban Abortion Now That Everyone’s Stopped Paying Attention

You're cool with this now, right?
As further evidence that the GOP really “gets” chicks, House Republicans murdered the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act to ban abortions after 20 weeks back in January, which they’d hoped to pass on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, to be dicks. But five months is enough time to get over that, right? So they’re planning to bring it up for a vote again next week: The House of Representatives will vote on a bill next week that would ban nearly all late-term ...
  Believe It Or Nuts

Atheist Lady Sued For Calling Fraud Faith Healer A Fraud

I *am too* a credible healing practitioner!
So there’s this guy in Bisbee, Arizona, named Adam Miller, who had himself a near-death experience in 1977 and believes it imbued him with the power to heal people — tens of thousands of them, in fact! An atheist video blogger, Stephanie Guttormson, was a tad skeptical about some of Miller’s claims, so in December of 2014, she posted a YouTube video mocking Miller’s claims and pointing out that faith healing isn’t actual doctorin’. After hearing back from ...

Lame California Hippies Don’t Want Industrial Waste In One Glass Of Water They Have Left

A little arsenic never killed anybody, oh wait it did?
  California has no water, basically, because of liberal lies like “climate change” and “a bad drought.” Or maybe there is no water because nature-worshippers stole all of it, to give it to fish. WHATEVER happened, there’s not much left, and now some liberal hippie environment lovers have filed a lawsuit to say “Hey, oil companies, could you stop literally shitting all your toxic waste into our water, of which we have none?” The lawsuit by the ...
  Maybe there IS somethin' to see here

Justice Department Looking Into Why Baltimore Police Department Is So F*cked Up

She'd like a word with you, Baltimore
Our new (finally) Attorney General Loretta Lynch has been on the job for all of five seconds, but she’s already making it clear she will carry out Eric Holder’s secret plan to reverse-racism race war America. Lynch announced on Friday that the Department of Justice’s Civil Rights Division is opening an investigation into the Baltimore Police Department, because Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake asked her to (or maybe the secret race war thing): Lynch said the investigation ...

Texas Gets Ready For Its FEMA Camps. Bye Texas!

Is this a FEMA train that's about to capture all the Americans? Sure, why not.
This Operation Jade Helm 15 conspiracy theory just gets funnier and funnier MORE AND MORE REAL. If you’ll remember, the U.S. military is set to do a totally routine exercise this summer in the western states, which has led obviously sane Texans to conclude that Obama has decided to invade Texas, which is strange, since Obama already controls Texas, GET YR GUNS READY! They’re either doing this because ISIS is right across the Mexican border waiting to attack (no they ...
  Good plan or GREAT plan?

Jeb Bush Unveils Presidential Cabinet, Everyone In It Is George W. Bush

He's with stupid
Every Republican knows the absolute last name you ever want to mention in mixed company is, um, you know. That one president who came before Barack Obama. Hell, even that one president knows he is toxic, which is why he has said “you won’t see me” during the 2016 presidential election. Because his name is shit, his legacy is shit, his own party has distanced itself from him for years, not inviting him to conventions and insisting he was never really one of them anyway. But ...
  Derp By Association

Shocking Million Word Wingnut Exposé Proves Obama’s Kenyan ‘Grandma’ Is A Muslim

Now it can be told!
Warm up the Drudge Sirens, patriots! We have some major derp incoming at Bradlee Dean’s Clearinghouse For Stupid Shit That Not Even WND Would Publish, in the form of a major exposé of Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s family in The Kenya, which did you know is just crawling with Muslims? The piece, by wingnuts’ favorite ex-Muslim Walid “No Really, I was Totally a Terrorist” Shoebat, informs us that Barack Obama’s grandmother, Sarah Omar Obama (AKA “grandma ...
  The doctor will see you now

Mississippi Teabagger Doctor Will Write Rapey Sex Fiction From The Halls Of Congress

Obamacare may not be what the doctor ordered, but RAPE FICTION is!
Introduce yourself to Dr. Starner Jones, who would like to be the congressman from Mississippi’s 1st District, which covers a wide swath of the northern section of Mississippi, from the Memphis suburbs all the way east to Elvis Presley’s birthplace in Tupelo, which is also the home of the American Family Association. Dr. Jones, who has been endorsed by failed pizza teabagger Herman Cain, is one of them “common sense” teabagger conservative types who just wants a fair ...
  Won't someone think of the scandals?

Idiot Texas Rep Calls For Department Of Clinton Investigatin’, To Investigate The Clintons

Look at 'em schemin'
Whew! We were concerned there for a moment that Congress wasn’t going to bother looking into the the latest SCANDALOUS SCANDAL about Billary Clinton, since the media (except for the New York Times, the Washington Post, Fox, every single news network, and your grandma’s blogspot) have ignored it, but Texas Republican Rep. Ted Poe assures us that, nope, Congress is ON that mofo for sure. Asked by Sam Malone — some moron with a radio show because every moron gets to have a ...
  God's a great test-taker

Ben Carson Copied All God’s Answers On His College Chemistry Final

This is the face Ben Carson makes when he is worried about a test.
Know all that stuff about how presidential candidate Ben Carson is the Best Neurosurgeon Ever, and how he did the first successful operation to separate twins conjoined at the head? Well, he never would have done that if he hadn’t cheated OFF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS during one of his chemistry finals. Oh yeah. He’s that kinda guy. Carson admitted all of this at the National Day Of Prayer gathering Thursday, regaling the crowd with a tale about how, when he was at Yale, he ...
  Knock It Off With All The Local Control Will You?

Missouri GOP Knows Cities Can’t Be Trusted To Make Their Own Minimum Wage Laws

You weirdos just knock it off with your local control, OK?
Republicans in the Missouri State Senate are the latest to jump on the trendy new thing where Small Government Conservatives blather on endlessly about the sanctity of states’ rights and local control, and then turn around and pass state laws to prevent towns and cities from passing laws that might differ from Republican policies. If they have their way, local governments will be prohibited from setting their own minimum wage, as well as from restricting use of plastic bags, and maybe ...
  History lesson

Congressjerk Steve King Warns We Must Brace For Endless Civil War, Thanks SCOTUS

And NO homos
Bad news, guys. We’re about to kick off another civil war, according to Iowa Rep. Steve King, who is definitely not A Idiot. What with the Supreme Court poised to force King and all his close personal hetero-friends to suck on gay penises and put rings on them while Jesus weeps in the corner, even the most casual student of U.S. America history can tell you this is exactly how that other Civil War got started: Dred Scott, back in 1857, the Court thought they were going to solve the ...
  gotta keep them children motivated somehow!

Florida Parents: You Keep A ‘B’ Average, We’ll Keep Giving You Weed And Cocaine. Deal?

Funny, they look ... just like Florida parents.
Parenting is the toughest! You have to keep the kids fed, but you also want them to grow up and be productive citizens, and you don’t get a handbook at the hospital on how to make that happen. So sometimes you just gotta work with what the good Lord gave ya, and for Florida couple Joey and Chadd Mudd, the good Lord gave them drugs, so many drugs. So they figured, this house ain’t gonna clean itself (because they’re probably always high), and it’s not like ...
  You Know WHO ELSE Wanted To Crack Down On 'Useless Eaters'?

Wisconsin’s F*ck-The-Poor Food Stamps Bill Will Cost Millions, Totally Worth It

For a few million dollars more, we could probably stop that, too!
Gosh, absolutely no one could have seen this coming: Wisconsin’s exciting new bill to shame the poor — by sharply restricting what items can be bought with food stamps — would actually cost the state millions of dollars to implement, even as the state learned that it won’t be raking in any new revenues due to tax cuts. Turns out that if you actually want to make sure EBT cards can’t be used to pay for wild, high-living luxury items like sharp cheddar cheese or ...
  wingnut slapfight

Bryan Fischer Will Root All Queers Out Of Wingnut ‘News’ Websites

Bryan Fischer’s butthole is in an extra-twitchy state (not the Michelle Malkin kind of twitchy; or wait, come to think of it, yes the Malkin kind), as he is feeling BETRAYED! You see, one of the wingnut websites he likes, Townhall.com, has a known homosexual in its midst, by the name of Guy Benson, political editor. And Benson is a dirty homo, as he reveals in a new book out this week. Let your freak flag fly, Fischer: The political editor of a nominally conservative website, ...
  thanks a lot obama

17 Million Newly Insured Americans Point And Laugh At Failed Obamacare

Dear God, will the terror never cease?
Try not to panic, but there’s another study out showing that the number of people covered by the Affordable Care Act continues to grow, with nearly 17 million gaining coverage since 2013. Maybe Fox News can make a chart to explain just how terrible that is. The study by the RAND Corporation found that “from September 2013 to February 2015, 22.8 million Americans became newly insured and 5.9 million lost coverage, for a net of 16.9 million newly insured Americans.” Needless ...