The Snake Oil Bulletin: Oh No, The Witches Have Cursed Donald Trump!

Well be with you, readers, and welcome once again to the Snake Oil Bulletin! On today’s bulletin, we take a look at the hardest working political action committee in America: The Witches! It seems election fever has gripped even our nation’s pointy-hatted goth chicks, so let’s see what these delightful warlocks of the eventide are doing to make America more American than ever. Witches cast curse to make Donald Trump’s hair fall out Double-double, time for YOOGE ...
  caveat empire

Your Car Might Be Lying To The Government And Other Recall News From Corporate America

Nobody’s perfect, not even even our biggest and brightest Corporate Persons. That’s why the Big Guys keep healthy financial reserves, insurance policies, and often the ability to write off legal settlements for tax purposes. This is totally different from when you’re sunk by an unforeseen health issue or “corporate restructuring” and don’t have funds to fall back on because you’re an irresponsible Mooch. Here are some conscientious Corporate ...
  suckitude taken to new heights

Congress Sucks Harder Than Your Mom: The Debt Ceiling, Wonksplained

It’s that time of year again, kids! The leaves are turning, students are back in school, and Congress is threatening to drive our national car right over the fiscal cliff. Buckle up, because Republicans are already costing us millions just by threatening to not raise the debt ceiling. Whaaaa? Yeah, that’s right – the GOP is gonna add to the deficit by playing chicken with its own goddam responsibilities. Let’s wonksplain. We all know that Congress sucks balls harder than Rick Santorum going ...
  eat the rich

Cartoon JPMorgan Plutocrat Says Let Them Eat iPhones

I say, if you'd just develop a work ethic young man, you could be rich. What ho, have a tuppence and don't spend it all at once.
Jamie Dimon, the CEO of JPMorgan Chase (not a typo, actually), would like everyone to stop bitching about “income inequality,” which is not a thing at all. The financier feels just as equal as anyone on his corporate jet, thank you very much, and said as much at a Q&A session at the Detroit Economic Club Thursday. We really needn’t worry that the gap between average workers’ pay and CEO compensation has exploded since the 1980s. Why? It’s quite simple: ...
  Only Missing An Alligator And A Stripper Pole

Florida Man With Two Guns Does Road Rage The Best, Shoots Self In Leg

Florida Man was nowhere near as cool
Oh golly, is there anything more exciting than a story where “Florida Man” and “Responsible Gun Owner” are the very same guy? And it’s NOT George Zimmerman, we mean? From Fort Myers, Florida, comes this exciting tale of road rage, in which the road rager somehow ended up shooting himself in the leg. Please try to feel sorry for a fellow human being in pain, or say fuck it, he’s lucky he only hurt himself. Melissa Drake told TV station WBBH that she ...

Bristol Palin Terrified Her Baby Will Get Arrested For Being Muslim Science Terrorist

Stop talking.
We THOUGHT we told Bristol Palin to STFU about that lovely Muslim science nerd smarty-pants kid, Ahmed Mohamed, who was so proud of himself for inventing a little clock that he wanted to rush to school and show it to his teachers. That lovely kid who THOUGHT his teachers would be excited for him, and would encourage him, but instead decided this was a great opportunity to make a little brown Muslim boy feel like shit for being a little brown Muslim boy. Because, to be clear, NOBODY THOUGHT ...
  Oh Jeb!

Jeb Bush Invites All The Christian Refugees To Crash On His Couch

That Jeb! Bush sure gave another real bad performance at the second Republican presidential debate, didn’t he? YES, HE DID. Not only did he confess that he is a loser pothead stoner L-O-S-E-R loser, which is why he’ll never amount to anything, but he also made a bad joke about how he is nuh-uh NOT low-energy because his dumb lame stupid Secret Service code name will be “Eveready,” take that, Donald Trump. And that was so sad and weak and pathetic and so low-energy, ...
  Pew pew pew!

Unladylike Republican Staffers Bar-Fighting Like Common Palins

Who would Jesus punch first?
When young male Republican campaign staffers get together, a few things are always present. 1. Lots of boys who came from Republican homes who were raised with the smug certainty that they are SO MUCH SMARTER AND MANLIER than those pussy liberals. None of their lily-white asses have ever been in a fight. 2. SO MANY GRINDR ACCOUNTS, surreptitiously open on their iPhones. 3. The impotent rage of so many three-inch penises, all competing to fall into an actual human girl-hole, or maybe a ...
  Kiss Your Momma With That Mouth

Jimmy Carter Caught Lusting For His Wife On Base-Ball Kiss Time Camera

Remember that time Al Gore mouth-raped his poor wife and gave her a tonsillectomy, with his big ol’ tongue, on national television? That was gross! But here is the opposite of that, with Gentleman Jimmeh, your 39th president, Mr. James Earl Carter The Only, smooching on his wife in a NICE way. The base-ball announcing men couldn’t have been any better: “Oh look it is Jimmy Carter,” they said, “as you may know he is undergoing cancer treatment at Emory and he is ...
  Revenge On The Nerds

Wingnuts Have Had It With That Muslim Teen Terrorist Ahmed Mohamed And His ‘Science’

Oh look, it's the new face of terror: A bright 14-year old. But he's Muslim!!!!!!!!
Of course there’s a backlash. Couldn’t possibly have any story about a Muslim kid mistakenly accused of making a hoax bomb and then showered with love from fellow geeks, and have that be the end of it. Gotta gin it up into yet another front in the Culture Wars. So far, the rightwing backlash has come in three flavors, frequently mixed together for a delicious swirl of fear and paranoia. The mildest version is a defense of the school and the cops: “Well, of COURSE they ...
  Gonna slatepitch you again with the TRUTH

No, Donald Trump Did Not Tell That Dumbass He’s Going To Kill All The Muslims

OK, internet, we’re going to #slatepitch you for the second time in as many days, and you’re going to like it, because Wonkette is right about all the things. The liberals on the computers are currently freaking out over a video from a Donald Trump town hall in New Hampshire where he, WE ARE TOLD, reassures a dumbass voter that he’s looking into ways to get rid of all of the Muslims. And if you just read the transcript, it sounds like that! Let’s look at the words ...
  Doin' it wrong

John Kasich Big Fan Of Hispanic Ladies Who Clean His Hotel Room

Basically Tim Pawlenty with slightly more experience. Whatever happened to T-Paw anyway?
Remind us again: Are we supposed to pretend Ohio Gov. John Kasich is one of the cuddly not-so-bad Republican presidential candidates? It’s so hard to keep track these days of who the Serious Candidates are. Kasich did reluctantly allow the poors in his state to have some sweet Obamacare dollars, so long as they promised not to call it Obamacare. And he thinks he read somewhere that the 14th Amendment says if you are born in America, that means you are A American, which proves he is a ...
  A dumbass from Alabama? THE FUCK YOU SAY.

Idiot Alabama Judge Thinks You Need A License To Do Buttsex

Legal in all 50 states since 2002, THANKS OBAMA.
Wah wah wah, it’s another elected official who’s having his religious beliefs criminalized because the Supreme Court says he has to do a gay thing, SADFACE. This time it’s a probate judge feller called Nick Williams, who serves the residents of Washington County, Alabama. He knows that, due to how he looks at Kentucky clerk Kim Davis and sees a martyr lady after his own dumbass heart, the Gay-Stapo are comin’ for him next, and so by God, better get a lawyer to write ...
  Just A Girl Who Can't Say No...To Voters!

Horny Teabagger Lady Pretty Sure Michigan Legislature Only Kicked Her Out By Mistake

Oh, no, Ms. Gamrat, you couldn't quietly fade away. You had to keep us searching for more pulp novel covers, didn't you?
For your “gluttons for punishment” files, we present the latest dispatch concerning former Michigan state Rep. Cindy Gamrat, who was expelled from the state House less than a week ago and has now filed to run in the special election to fill her former seat. Hey, what the hell, why not? This time, she promises not to boink any of her fellow legislators. Cross her legs and hope to die, 50 needles in her eye. Perhaps the Detroit News, which originally broke the whole weird ...
  What about the sanctity of traditional snack foods?

Even Your Favorite Chips Come In Homo Gaysexual Lesbian Rainbow Flavor Now

BREAKING NEWS FLASH SIREN ALERT TRIGGER WARNING DEFCON 69! Look what is being crammed down your throat now! It is what used to be your favorite snacky treat, from the makers of all those Cool Habanero Nacho Fiery Ranch Doritos chips, so delicious! Except now they come in GAY, so if you are the kind of closeted cock-snuggling Bigot-American who enjoys boycotting brands — like the Rose Parade, or Honey Nut Cheerios, or Chipotle, or Wells Fargo, or Google — when you learn they ...
  Revenge of the Nerds!

All-American Teenage Science Nerd Hero Ahmed Mohamed Invited To Run The World

It’s been a seriously strange 48 hours for Ahmed Mohamed, the 14-year-old kid from Irving, Texas, who went from potential criminal suspect to instant Geek Hero, thanks to his idiot school’s overreaction to a simple electronic clock that scared his school’s administration and the police. Not many high school freshmen get to be a hashtag. It’s probably only a matter of time until the administration of Irving MacArthur High School and the Irving Police Department pull a ...