These are the ones we lose sleep overYou’d think that maybe Republicans might have learned something from what happened when Ted Cruz asked Facebook readers to say they hate Obamacare. Which is to say, he got trolled hard by people who love not dying in the streets. Today, Mitch McConnell’s Facebook page is asking folks how they think he should wield a Republican majority in the Senate, assuming that comes to be. Yertle asks,

If I am privileged to lead a Republican Majority in the Senate in 2015 there are many crucial issues that we plan to address.

Comment below and tell me what issue is most important to you!

The options, according to the picture, are

A: Repealing Obamacare
B: Ending the War on Coal
C: Protecting Life
D: Defending the Second Amendment

Gosh, we wonder if any liberals might care to opine? READ MORE »

Jimmy Carter (in drag) meets Marian Anderson

75 years ago today, Marian Anderson gave a concert at the Lincoln Memorial, after being snubbed by the Daughters of the American Revolution, who would not allow black performers at their Constitution Hall. This move by the decent church-going women with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces was not received well by all of the DAR’s members, such as Eleanor Roosevelt, who resigned her membership and helped find Anderson her historic venue.

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You’ve probably already heard about the awful attack at Franklin High School in Murrysville, Pennsylvania; 20 people injured, four of them critically, and a suspect, a 16-year-old male sophomore, is in custody. It’s not clear how many of the injuries directly resulted from the knife; some may have also occurred while kids were trying to get away. Although some of the worst injuries were life-threatening, everyone is expected to recover. No word on possible motive yet, although it’s pretty obvious it never would have happened if children still prayed in school.

You will be astonished to learn that the attack in the Pittsburgh suburb is already being cited as evidence that gun control is worthless. READ MORE »

HEY nowJimmy Carter, he’s this guy. Used to be president of this here America. At 89, he still trots around the world ensuring fair elections, building houses for poor people, and telling everyone to cut the racist and sexist shit. Jimmy Carter is a little bit of the greatest.

Last night, the director of the Lyndon Johnson Library interviewed Jimmy Carter for an hour in advance of the fiftieth anniversary of the Civil Rights Act this week. (Lyndon Johnson, he was this guy. Did some Civil Rightsy stuff and murdered the Congress whenever they looked at him cross-eyed. May have maybe done some #war.)

The interview, excerpted by the Austin American Statesman, is below, and it’s marvelous. Did you know Jimmy Carter was born a poor black child in Mississippi? That is pretty much why he is the only un-racist American. (Yes, you’re racist. Unless you are Jimmy Carter reading this, in which case hiiiiiiii Jimmy Carter! Hiiiiii.) READ MORE »

Be afraid! Be MORE Araid! Apostrophe misuse kills!Purity Hero Sean Hannity took to the radio airwaves Tuesday to alert America to this profound insight: marijuana will kill you dead! As proof, Hannity offers a genuinely sad story from Colorado, about the 19-year-old who jumped off a 4th-floor balcony after eating a friend’s marijuana cookie.

The autopsy listed marijuana intoxication as a significant contributing factor in the death of 19-year-old Levi Thamba Pongi, a native of the Republic of Congo, who fell from a balcony.

One of Hannity’s guests tried to point out that “significant contributing factor” is different from “sole cause,” but Hannity knew better: “In other words, he was stoned out of his mind!” READ MORE »

Aspersions on his what?So this was kind of surreal: Rachel Maddow tossed together three mostly-unrelated clips with the excuse of illustrating “three stages of political conflict that fall short of an actual war.” As analysis, it’s a bit superficial, at best, but as a framing device for three disparate instances of weirdass political conflict, it gets the job done, aight. Oh, but those clips — there’s some prime assholery on display here, starting with Louie Gohmert’s huffing last year about how Eric Holder had “cast aspersions on my asparagus” — yes, that is what the man said, and god only knows why. Then today, Holder brought up the asparagus all over again, so to speak. And it was beautiful.

And then there’s John McCain using a hearing on foreign policy as an excuse to lecture John Kerry on the size of his stick:

“My hero Teddy Roosevelt used to say talk softly and carry a big stick. What you’re doing is talking strongly and carrying a very small sick. In fact, a twig.”

Kerry responded with a T.R. quote of his own, but since it didn’t include a dick joke, we sort of tuned it out.

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Is this mean? It might be a little mean. Then again, John Boehner is mean. Courtesy of U.S News, this important John Boehner Tears Update: The Speaker of the House shed eyewater Tuesday at an event sponsored by Taco Bell, although it had nothing to do with their Fire Sauce’s capsaicin content. Turns out the Damp One

made a brief cameo at a gathering sponsored by the Taco Bell Foundation for Teens and the Boys & Girls Clubs of America, as the former gave the latter $30 million to help teens graduate from high school. (Taco Bell employs many teens, so that’s the connection.)

“Some of you know how I am about these things,” Boehner said, choking back tears while praising the work of the Boys & Girls Clubs. “We need to do a better job at educating more American kids. We live in America, for goodness’ sake.”

Apparently the Speaker gets all choked up about some American teens, but could give two shits about others, especially if they sneaked across the border as toddlers being carried by their parents. READ MORE »

this is you, jumping for joy

We have a veritable treasure trove of Happy links for you this evening.

Why not go watch Jon Stewart remember the Bush torture days of yesteryear.

Get your Veep on with our listicle of seven things that are worse than being a blogger. (SPOILER ALERT: Everything and nothing is worse than being a blogger.)

We spent some quality time talking about a Men’s Rights Activist fellow who is very sure that it is hard out there for a dude, not so much for ladies.

Did you know that PETA would like to buy Jeffrey Dahmer’s childhood home and turn it into a vegan restaurant? Now you do!

Come watch the very worst that the advertising world has to offer today, with ads that tell ladies they are just too hirsute yet also too far too wussy to eat a burger like a real man.

Never forget, there’s always sideboob.

this is nicer than a picture of an oil spillThis post was brought to you by our friends at Trackbill.

You were ready to die in the North Atlantic, numb and blind in the black water, except it didn’t shake out that way. You’re not sure exactly how you were rescued — you recall being saved by a magic walrus who was wise in the ways of the sea, but you were probably in shock.

The whaling boat that rammed you is still out there plying its murderous trade, but you’ve got a feeling your Gaia Force Commando days are over. Harassing whalers, chaining yourself to stuff, hanging awesome guerrilla banners on The Man’s corporate headquarters:  you are ready to leave that to the next generation. You’ve been a body yelling in front of the Captiol. Now you’re going to be the body behind the bodies, telling the bodies what to yell and where to yell it. It’s time for you to make your mark in leadership.

You have all the cred you need — who can top near-drowning and possible walrus rescue? — but you need more. READ MORE »

sadly his amp only goes up to 9 9 9
We have to admit we had completely forgotten about Herman Cain after his 2012 flameout, but it looks like he has a website where people who are not Herman Cain write things that are, we presume, thinks Herman Cain has thought of or agrees with. It is, as you would imagine, a really impressive level of discourse. Today, one of Cain’s minions is flapping his virtual gums about how two years ago a lady lawmaker referred to her lady parts in a discussion about what ladies should do with lady parts, and that is still a problem over in Cainville.

A couple years ago, Michigan was doing that cool thing where they try to make it so ladies can never get abortions, and then-Representative Lisa Brown actually TALKED ABOUT HER VAGINA in discussing laws that would affect the use of her vagina. The nerve! Turns out that the Democratic candidate in the Michigan gubernatorial race, Mark Schauer, tapped Brown to be his running mate. Our feelings on this range from “cool” to “we do not live in Michigan” but looks like Herman Cain’s pals still bear the scars of having a woman talk about a part of her body.

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Hasn't he caused enough suffering?Here at Yr Wonkette, we are proud to bring you all the Vance McAllister news you can possibly stomach, which we figure is probably about 600 words and change. McAllister, as you are no doubt aware, is the nice Family Values Christian guy who won Louisiana’s 5th district in a special election last November, then promptly was videotaped getting all smoochyfacey with aide Melissa Anne Hixon Peacock on December 23, because it was the season of giving. Mostly tongue, judging by the video.

So what’s up with Mr. “I have done wrong please forgive me and I need your prayers” today? READ MORE »

pre-twitter twitterLast week, it came to light that USAID, some offshoot of the State Department or something don’t ask us we are not Vox, had spent a bunch of tax-bread to make some sort of fake Twitter in an effort to destabilize that terrifying communist dictatorship, the small island nation of Cuba. We wanted to write about this, but we did not write about this, and we did not write about this because we are lazy. Also we did not write about it because we hadn’t noticed the thing was supposed to be called ZunZuneo, which is fucking best. Well, now Senator Patrick Che Leahy, of the People’s Republic of Vermont, has come out to call ZunZuneo “cockamamie” and to say it has “no possibility of working” and other fighting words at USAID, words meant obviously to give aid and comfort to the bloodthirsty Fidel Castro, May He Live A Thousand Years.

Senator Patrick Leahy needs to check his twivilege.

Fake Twitter can’t destabilize Cuba in some sort of azul-dyed-fingered Havana Spring? Of course Fake Twitter can destabilize Cuba! Just look what Real Twitter’s done to the American left! READ MORE »

jonah veepSpoiler spoiler spoiler spoiler, everyone’s favorite rancid string bean, Jonah from “Veep,” was revealed Sunday night to be a blogger in the field of political gossiptainment, via his not terribly anonymous blog, Westwingman.net. Man, remember when our sister site, TerribleNewsforTerriblePeople.com, was a “DC gossip” site? How could anybody possibly care about DC gossip? HOW DID THEY EVEN LIVE?

Of course, judging by the vacant-eyed pinch-faced soullessness of DC’s remaining gossips, Jonah from “Veep” is a perfect choice to pick up Wonkette’s long-dropped mantle, and judging by his tall white man-ness, he’s probably going to take the cable news channels by storm.

With everyone’s un-fondness for him and his real-life counterparts, we decided to listicle at ya seven worse things Jonah from “Veep” could be than a dirty gossip blogger. You know, like we said in this post’s title.

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so crafty, those ladies

What time is it? It’s time for us to check in with Thought Catalog, the endless river of unfiltered derp. It’s like Reddit meets Buzzfeed over there, and we can always find something ridiculous. Today, let’s check out super Men’s Rights Activist dude who will type at you about female privilege.

Before we get into his Big Book of Grievances, let’s take a minute to note that using “female” to refer to women seems to be some weird MRA code word that means “here be sexist douchebaggery.” Just a helpful tip so that ladies, gentlemen, cats, tables, trees, pretty much everyone and everything, really, can avoid this type of “male.”

So this particular MRA guy is mad because ladies have it SO MUCH BETTER because of all the cool ways that society makes it easier on ladies than on the menz. We might consider this line of argument if it wasn’t for the pay gap and the way higher risk of sexual assault and the having politicians all up in your junk about contraception and body shaming and way fewer job opportunities, but hey! Once you take those away, it is totally easy peasy street for ladies.

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Gary Lynn Roy and the shelter site that never openedJust in case you had any questions about how well the American Dream is working out, go ahead and have a look at ThinkProgress’s longform investigation of homelessness in one smallish city, Shawnee, Oklahoma*, known to the particularly avid Wonker as the county seat of Pottawatomie County. It is not a happy report. The piece starts with a discussion of the death of Gary Lynn Roy, a homeless construction worker with a drinking problem and — after he fell off a roof and broke both legs in 2012 — an employability problem. Unable to find shelter on a freezing night, Gary Roy froze to death next to some railroad tracks on February 20 last year. (Roy was not the homeless fellow who was beaten to death by an unknown gang in the middle of the night in 2011. That was somebody else.)

Less than a mile away from where Roy died, there was supposed to be a new shelter for the homeless in Shawnee, except for one small problem: City Commissioner James Harrod, who also serves as the city’s vice mayor, owns several rental properties in the area near the proposed shelter. Thank goodness for free enterprise — even though there was substantial community support for the new shelter, several members of Mr. Harrod’s family wrote to oppose a zoning change for the shelter, arguing it would reduce property values. And really, compared to the well-being of a job creator who’s worth a few million dollars, what’s the life of one homeless alcoholic bum who wouldn’t even sober up, hobble off on his walker, and get a job? READ MORE »