No ho diddly for you!

Nevada’s Bunny Ranch: Stay Away From Our Nice Hooker Sex Ladies, Josh Duggar!

Nope, Josh Duggar can't have those either.
It’s funny how nobody wants Josh Duggar around anymore, all because a couple police reports, probably concoctions of the lamestream media, say he molested four of his sisters and a babysitter back in the day. The latest place Duggar is persona non grata is the very famous Moonlite Bunny Ranch outside Carson City, Nevada, which has issued a press release saying SORRY JOSH, but your diddle-fingers are just TOO GROSS for our ladies of the night. Bunny Ranch owner Dennis Hof has some ...
  Waiting For The Sky's Water To Break

California Lady Lawmaker Knows What Causes Droughts, And It Is Abortion

This 'sand'? It's all POWDERED FETUSES!
Though they may never accept evolution, let it never be said that rightwingers never let their thinking on critical issues evolve. Take, for instance (please!) California Assemblywoman Shannon Grove, who used to believe California’s drought was caused by environmentalists giving all the state’s water to fish, but who now has come up with a far more plausible explanation for why it hasn’t rained: God is angry with California because of legal abortion. How she knows that ...
  How Christ Must Have Felt

Being God’s Chosen Presidential Candidate Giving Ted Cruz Nasty Case Of Stigmata

The Chosen One, which hath been foretold.
Things are getting rough out there for Ted Cruz, ever since God and Jesus personally visited his dad Rafael Cruz late at night to put a baby in his butt to tell Ted he’s supposed to run for president of America. So young Teddy did answereth the call to be The Chosen One, and HOLY FUCKBISCUITS, it sucks! That is the message of Cruz’s latest whore-grifter campaign email, published Thursday by Mother Jones, and he needs your money to end his pain and suffering. Here are all the ...
  Frontiers of science

Colorado Man Shoots Own Foot To See How That Feels

These things happen
Sometimes, authority figures simply don’t have any respect for people carrying out empirical research. Like that 16-year-old Florida girl who got expelled from school for making a balloon full of hydrogen go boom, or the Los Angeles teacher who was suspended for letting a kid design a project that used electricity to propel a tiny projectile. Or poor Adam Hirtle, 30, of Colorado Springs, Colorado, who “told investigators he shot himself in the foot Wednesday night because he ...
  Everybody loses

Wingnut Millennial Picks Dumb Fight With Wingnut Boomer On Fox, Hilarity Ensues

Actual screen shot from Fox episode
So this conservative millennial lady who writes for the National Review picked a fight with this conservative boomer fart guy who “reports” for Fox Business Network, about which of their generations are worse. And we are really struggling because who should we root for? Hahah, trick question, we hope they both lose. Let’s see if we get our wish! Jillian Melchior, in addition to writing for the National Review, is also a fellow at the Independent Women’s Forum, one of ...
  Also Needs Advice On Avoiding Publicity

Arizona’s ‘F*ck Islam’ Hero Selling Motorcycle To Buy More Guns, Obviously

Poor bastard can't even afford a shirt
Show some respect for Jon Ritzheimer, the professional victim who organized the Great Big Scream At A Mosque Rally in Phoenix, proudly posed in his “Fuck Islam” t-shirt, claimed he has been targeted for death by radical Muslims, and whined — in the very same Facebook post — that “Not one news out let will interview me” but also “I just want me and my family to disappear” from public view. So of course, he’s in public view again. ...
  never mind

Jeb Bush Doesn’t Think Single Moms Are Dirty Whores Anymore

Once upon a time, Jeb Bush thought a real good way to crack down on the scourge of unwed mothers was to good old-fashioned slut-shame them, for inseminating themselves without the requisite ceremony and chicken dance first. If only it were still socially acceptable to stone women in the town square or burn them at the stake, or at least make them wear “frilly pink jumpsuits” while picking up his garbage. But calm down, liberal media, you just calm the H-E-double-hockey-sticks ...
  Bitch made fun of Noah's Ark too

Creation Museum Guy: If Miley Cyrus Is So Gay, She Should Do Sex To Barnyard Animals

Evolution!
Miley Cyrus is in the news this week, gettin’ all nekkid and having her picture made for Paper magazine, and the accompanying interview is actually quite cool, unless you are Ken Ham from Answers In Genesis, that creationist fool who runs the big fake Bible science Creation Museum in Kentucky. Ham decided to write a bloggy post about Ms. Cyrus’s naked body, and how her revelation that she is “gender fluid” means she ought to just go ahead and fuck animals. Frankly, ...
  So long farewell aufwiedersehen fuck off

Let’s Remember 11 Times Rupert Murdoch Was A Giant Cretinous Sh*thead

Don't get your old dick caught in the door on the way out.
The day you all feared would come is nigh, Wonkers: Rupert Murdoch is stepping down as CEO of 21st Century Fox and giving the company to his son James, though he will reportedly still be executive chairman of the enterprise and, according to CNBC, will likely “still have the final say on whatever goes on at Fox.” WE KNOW, dry your eyes. So many questions! Will Roger Ailes still have a job? Will Fox News continue to suck so hard? (The answers are “probably” and ...
  Ghostwriters In The Sty

Mike Huckabee Sure Does Pal Around With A Lot Of Alleged Child Molesters

Funny how that guy keeps showing up
This is rather inconvenient for a presidential candidate, you’ve got to suppose: John Perry, the ghostwriter co-author of two of Mike Huckabee’s books, who seems to have ghostwritten co-authored books with about nine million other rightwing Christians as well, was accused of molesting a child in two different lawsuits, according to a piece published Wednesday evening by BuzzFeed’s Andrew Kaczynski and Ilan Ben-Meir. Perry co-authored Huckabee’s 2008 campaign bio Do ...
  no clown left behind

Fox News Says Fine, Little League GOP Candidates Can Have TV Debate Too

Ah, democracy brings a tear to our eye. For all the wrong reasons.
Like our nephews’ t-ball league, the first Republican primary debate, scheduled for Aug. 6 in Cleveland and hosted by Fox News, is being turned into one of those “everyone gets a participation trophy” deals, with extra forums now scheduled to give rubes like Rick Santorum’s one fan in Iowa (her name is Peggy) a chance to pretend they matter to our democracy. If the forums and debate involve all the candidates onstage diving on a ground ball before whoever comes up with it forgets to ...
  Meanwhile Hillary's measuring the drapes

Mitt Romney’s Summer Camp Teaches Republicans How To Lose Like Mitt Romney

We're laughing at you, not with you
Doesn’t this sound like a marvelous time? Sunning and funning and fancy horseback riding at a luxurious five-star lodge in Deer Valley, Utah, and learning how to not become president, from America’s foremost expert himself, Mitt Romney! On the guest list are Gov. Chris Christie of New Jersey; Carly Fiorina, the former chief executive of Hewlett-Packard; Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina; Gov. John R. Kasich of Ohio; Senator Marco Rubio of Florida; and Gov. Scott Walker of ...
  He'll make them stop crying too

Nobel Laureate Resigns, Just for Saying Girl Scientists Can’t Stop Getting Lady Boners In Lab

TEMPTRESS.
Science is tough, especially for scientist dudes who are just trying to do important experiments but are always getting distracted by all the lady scientists in the lab, breaking down in tears every five seconds, when they’re not falling madly in love with that scientific man brilliance. That used to be a big problem for Nobel Laureate biochemist Tim Hunt, who resigned his position as an honorary professor at University College London for saying this, about lady scientists, at the ...
  You Crazy Dimon

Chase CEO Jamie Dimon Wonders If Elizabeth Warren Even Knows How Banks Work

Oh, she knows all right. That's why you're worried.
Seems JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon isn’t familiar with certain truths about what you should never do: never tug on Superman’s cape; never start a land war in Asia; and never EVER tell Elizabeth Warren she doesn’t really get the intricacies of the banking system. But that’s exactly what Dimon did in front of a roomful of bankers at a meeting in Chicago Wednesday. We’re looking forward to her inevitable reply, because Elizabeth Warren does not suffer pompous ...
  Equality gaysploding everywhere

Nice Christian Forced To Ditch Wife Now That Gays Have Ruined Everything

It's the end of the world! Except not
We were afraid this might happen. Well, not afraid exactly, but we paused for a brief moment the first time we were warned that gays would ruin marriage for everyone else, mostly to say, “Who what how HUH?” But seems the Hetero-End Days are upon us — seriously, for reals this time — because with gays gaying up the whole planet, plus Australia, this guy says he has to divorce his wife of 10 years, because of REASONS. Jesus reasons. The reason, however, is that, as ...
  It's Sad So Sad It's A Sad Sad Situation

Texas Cop Sorry Roughing Up Teens Offended You, But He Had A Hard Day Too

He certainly is sorry.
Hey, kids, we’ve reached an important milestone in the evolution of the Texas Pool Cop story: the all-important Notpology: The attorney for former McKinney police officer Eric Casebolt on Wednesday said that “he apologizes to all who were offended” by his actions while responding to a complaint at a pool party in McKinney, Texas. Attorney Jane Bushkin said that Casebolt “regrets” that his actions reflected poorly on the McKinney Police Department. He’s ...
  We Get Letters

Yr Wonket’s New Wingnut Admirer Wants To Put His Peen In A Liberal Lady Editor

Always nice to hear from our fans
Yr Wonkette recently shared a very important email alerting us and other members of the “#ObamaMedia” to the Real True Truth about John Kerry’s “bicycle accident” in France — it’s all fake! Kerry was actually the victim of an attempted assassination by ISIS! Meet Our New Best Pal! There were certain factual issues with the email, sent by one “danielking4″ at redacted.redacted, not the least of which is that hashtags in an email serve ...
  Way Down In The Hole

Rand Paul Can Fix Racism With Tax Cuts And More Republicans

We all put our pants on one leg at a time. Or not.
Rand Paul continued his mavericky streak of being the only Republican who wants to reach out to black voters — or at least wave his hand in their general direction — with a speech Tuesday to Republicans in Baltimore, in which he made a very sincere effort to sound like someone who’s been briefed on the concept of empathy. In contrast to his earlier condemnation of the “breakdown of the family” as the root of problems in Baltimore, following the death of Freddie ...
  Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Big Banks Won’t Stop Cramming Homosexuals Down Franklin Graham’s Throat

Jesus loves the little children, unless they're super-duper gay. SING ALONG!
Poor persecuted Franklin Graham, insane wingnut son of evangelist Billy Graham and president of his daddy’s association, saw a Wells Fargo ad on the teevee, and the ad had lesbians in it, and this shall not stand! So he took his mad right to the Facebook and announced what he was gonna do: close the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association’s Wells Fargo accounts (because he controls them now that his dad is 96) and move them to a better, more gay-hatey bank: Have you ever asked ...
  Long Hot Bummer

Superhero Barack Obama Spending Summer Vacation Saving The World

As Neil deGrasse Tyson said, maybe if we could see CO2, we'd be doing something about it
Some kids have a reading list or a paper route or maybe an aggressive agenda of sleeping late and playing Assassin’s Creed Black Flag all freaking day, but Barack Obama’s summer project is just plain old saving the world. The Wall Street Journal, which still does actual reporting now and then, reports that Obama plans to devote a lot of energy this summer to “an ambitious climate agenda that the president sees as key to his legacy.” Not that this is a huge surprise; ...
  Dun fell off the wagon

Nine Things President Obama Might Be Holding Besides This Dirty Pack Of Cigarettes

Bad president bad!
OH NO, President Obama is back behind the high school gym again, smoking all the cigarettes and rolling his eyes, maybe and allegedly! Cigarettes are a well-known slippery slope to getting potted up on weed and socializing America. Obama was caught on camera chattin’ up Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi at the G7 Summit in Germany, and he certainly appears to be holding a pack of cigarettes, doing that gesture where he’s flipping open a pack to pull one out and light up. But ...
  New investigation maybe?

What Are Dumb Duggars Trying To Hide Now?

Terrible people
If your family was once famous for making babies all day long, every day, for Jesus, but now it’s known as that sick reality TV star family that covered up the oldest son’s repeated sexual molestation of his kid sisters, you know what you should definitely NOT do? You should definitely NOT refuse to cooperate with a fresh new investigation into your family. But apparently the Duggar Homeschool Textbook of Homeschooling doesn’t cover that. According to “In Touch ...