Just What The Doctor Ordered

Ted Nugent Unravels Veteran Suicide Epidemic: Obama Did It

Why is he flashing Muslim gang signs?
Remember how a couple months back, Congress finally accomplished something weird and passed, unanimously, the Clay Hunt Suicide Prevention for American Veterans Act — named after a veteran who killed himself in 2011 — which President Obama signed into law early in February? The bill could have passed sooner, but retiring Sen. Tom Coburn personally blocked it until he finally left the Senate at the beginning of the new congressional term. It was a rare moment of bipartisan ...
  Nowhere to run nowhere to hide

Get To Baby-Making, Duggars! Muslims To Outnumber You In Only 55 Years!

Hold on tight, Patriotic American Christians, for a calamity approacheth! The Pew Research Center has released a study that finds, if things keep going the way they are, there will be more Muslims than Christians in the world in 2070. You will be glad to know the Drudge Report is not freaking out over this or anything, naaaaah, they’re just posting a link to the story at the very top of their page, illustrated with a picture of a concerned little white girl who might be about to cry: ...
  Non Sequiturd

Sen. Tom Cotton Says Gays Should Be Glad They’re Not Hung

We could just drop gays on Iran. Or Tom Cotton.
Arkansas Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Logan Act) has just about had it up to here with people fussing about “religious freedom” bills in Indiana and Arkansas, when we have far more important fish to fry, like undercutting the President on nuclear negotiations with Iran. Or, probably, Benghazi (Never Forget!). On CNN’s Wall Of Text Theater Situation Room Wednesday, Cotton told Wolf Blitzer that there’s nothing bad about religious freedom, and noted that former Arkansas Gov. ...
  from my cold wet hands

Tennessee Wants Only Real Guns Near Schools; Toy Ones Could Put An Eye Out

sorry rambo, thanks for playing
Not all guns are lethal weapons. And thanks to a new Tennessee law working its way through the Rocky Top Reason Mill, these poser firearms will have no place near the state’s schools. Real guns? They’re still totally cool and not just for field trips to Graceland. On Tuesday, “limited government” Republicans pushed a bill through the Tennessee House of Representatives that eliminates any local ordinances preventing people with gun permits from taking their roscoes to ...
  Well That's Taken Care Of Then

Iran Violates U.S. Constitution, Makes Deal On Nukes With Tyrant Obama

Commence freak out NOW
Despite Senate Republicans warning Iran there is simply no point in making a deal with the Obama administration on its nuclear program because the Constitution says he’s not really the president anyway, behold: In a historic announcement, Secretary of State John Kerry said that Iran and six world powers had “resolved major issues” about Iran’s nuclear program. The framework agreement was reached after years of multilateral negotiations. […] Iranian Prime ...
  Won't Anyone Think Of The Morticians?

Obamacare Adds 50,000 More Mouths To Feed, By Not Letting People Die. Oh Great.

President Obama spent the entire month of March saying “In your FACE, Republicans!” about how great the Affordable Care Act is because it has saved lots of lives and lots of money — OR HAS IT? One of the president’s many jaw-dropping claims is that “we’ve seen 50,000 fewer preventable patient deaths in hospitals,” which seemed UNPOSSIBLE to the Washington Post’s fact-checker Glenn Kessler, because WOW, that’s kind of a lot of lives, ...
  Off With Their Nadgers!

Nevada Wingnut Michele Fiore Will End Sex Trafficking By Cutting Off Pimps’ Giggleberries

She has one impressive hair mass
Our new One-l’d wingnut darling, Nevada Assemblywoman Michele Fiore (R-Bundy Ranch Groupies Club), has come up with an innovative idea to put an end to sex trafficking: Just castrate all the pimps, and your problem’s solved! Fiore shared her thoughts on the topic on Nevada Newsmakers, recounting a suggestion she’d made during a committee meeting with Democratic Assemblywoman Teresa Benitez-Thompson, who’s sponsoring a bill revising and toughening Nevada’s laws ...
  God Bless The TSA

TSA Thinks You Might Be A Terrorist If You Smell Bad

Just looking out for us
Everyone knows the Transportation Security Administration is our best defense against terrorists doing 9/11 to us again. Or at least protecting us from scantily clad teenage girls, kids in wheelchairs, moms armed with weaponized bottles of breast milk, and those sneaky devils with their fake non-American photo IDs from some unknown “District of Columbia.” So it’s good to know that the TSA has a carefully designed and effective system for spotting the most likely potential ...
  Finally somebody is giving him the respect he deserves!

Rick Santorum: Nobody Gets Me Like ISIS Gets Me

Rick Santorum has finally found a media source that hasn’t been hijacked by the gay-loving liberals, one that quotes him accurately and nicely and conveys the true heart of his messages. WorldNetDaily? NO, not that commie rag. It is ISIS! Santorum spoke with the nice and very smart and always correct Steve Doocy on “Fox & Friends” Wednesday morning, to find out how Santorum feels about being quoted and singled out by the terrorist organization in their mommyblog ...
  A New Jersey Politician In A Corruption Scandal? Mercy!

NJ Sen. Robert Menendez Indicted; Sorry, Daily Caller, No Fake Underaged Hookers This Time

You're looking especially Muppetlike today, Senator
Sen. Robert Menendez (D-New Jersey) has been indicted on corruption charges by the Justice Department in a bribery scandal that Yr Wonkette would never even cover if the guy had been a Democrat. He’s accused of receiving campaign contributions and a lot of fancy la-dee-da travel on private jets and vacations in the Dominican Republic in exchange for doing political favors for Salomon Melgen, a Florida eye doctor whom Menendez insists is just a really good friend who he enjoyed hanging ...
  we are worried he's holding back

CA Lawyer Who Wants To Kill All Gays Gets Poor Review From Ex-Boss (And Everyone Else)

But how can you fork a guy you've never met?
Remember that wild and crazy guy, Matt McLaughlin, the secret agent lawyer guy who filed a California initiative called the Sodomite Suppression Act? In case you’ve smoked too many drugs lately and don’t recall, this is the initiative that calls for the expulsion and elimination of all California gay queer sodomites by various means, up to and including “bullets to the head,” or whatever else is handy. Did they actually track him down? No, of course not, he’s ...
  he seems nice

Jerkoff Tenn. Senator Calls Citizen A Cuss Just For Pointing Out He’s A Jerkoff And Hypocrite

Tennessee Republicans really don’t want their citizens to have health care: On Tuesday night, a Tennessee Senate committee voted to deny some 280,000 state residents access to health care, rejecting a plan to expand Medicaid that would have cost the state nothing. That doesn’t mean the state’s legislators don’t want to have subsidized health care for themselves. They just don’t think the commonfolk should have any. So when activist Damien Crisp asked state Sen. ...
  A Modesto Proposal

Jerry Brown Won’t Let California Water Its Lawn, Just Because There’s No More Water

To think that MS Paint doesn't include a stencil font...
California Gov. Jerry Brown has signed a lawless executive order (they’re all lawless) imposing mandatory water restrictions on the oppressed people of the Golden State, which is pretty much what they asked for by being a bunch of Left Coast nanny staters. Brown announced draconian measures to cut water use by 25 percent, such as using taxpayer funds to encourage takers to replace their lawns with desert landscapes, creating a “temporary” rebate program to encourage people ...
  Damn all those liberals who got paid to comment on the Congresslady's status

Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers Declares Victory Over Obamacare Fans, Goes Home

McMorris Rodgers' original graph, which proves that all Obamacares lead down a jagged path to cupcakes.
Last week, Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-Washington) decided it might be a neat idea to stop playing Farmville for a second and update her FacePlace status, with that dumb looking graph above, just asking hey, everyone, how did Obamacare ruin your life and kill your grandmother? Of course, those stories are hard to come by, except for in Republican fever dreams that probably also include buttsechs. To everyone’s surprise (not really), what happened instead was that people got in the ...
  Pray the AIDS away

Texas Republicans Will Cure AIDS Through Magic Jesus Sexytime School

Texas Republicans have a new never-been-tried-before plan to address the state’s rate of HIV infections (third highest in the country, congratulations!) and teen pregnancies: even more abstinence-only education. Texas Republicans voted to divert funds from an HIV screening program into abstinence education Tuesday night, during an often tense and uncomfortable debate that got too personal for some lawmakers. […] [State Rep. Stuart] Spitzer’s amendment — which passed ...
  The Power Of Crust Compels Them

Indiana Pizzeria Will Do Anything For Love, But It Won’t Do That

Rejoice! For the dough is risen!
A Christian-owned pizza shop in Walkerton, Indiana, is reportedly taking a stand against providing pizzas for same-sex weddings, according to a completely straight-faced report from South Bend ABC affiliate WBND.* The owners of Memories Pizza insist they would of course serve any gay couples who came in to eat at the restaurant, but catering a wedding would be right out. It’s refreshing to see people willing to take a principled stand against probably nonexistent threats from Big Gay. ...
  Pour One Out For 'Dr. Chaps'

CO Rep. Klingenschmitt Booted By Fellow Republicans For Being A Jerk

Gordon KlingenWingen Schmitzennutt
In yet another example of the persecution of Bible-believing Christians in America, wingnut Internet preacher and actual member of the Colorado House of Representatives Gordon Klingenschmitt has been stripped of his membership on a House committee because even his fellow Republicans are finally fed up and disgusted by him. Republican House Minority Leader Brian DelGrosso said that removing Klingenschmitt from one of his two committee assignments was a “disciplinary action” for ...
  Roll back ... discrimination?!

Arkansas Gov. Asa Hutchinson Won’t Sign Anti-Gay Bill As Is, Reports Walmart

Having learned nothing from the PR disaster in Indiana this week, the Arkansas legislature passed its own Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA) on Tuesday, sending it to the desk of Republican Gov. Asa Hutchinson. The bill, HB 1228, is a close facsimile of the one signed by Gov. Mike Pence, and, just as in Indiana, has resulted in several corporations threatening to cease or reduce operations in the state. Gov. Hutchinson held a presser Wednesday to address the controversy over ...
  patriotism

Republicans Tire Of Telling Americans Obama Isn’t Really President, Decide To Inform The U.N. Instead

President In Name Only
So this is how the Republican Party is going to proceed until they finally repeal President Obama from the White House: The Obama administration’s plan for U.N. climate change talks encountered swift opposition after its release Tuesday, with Republican leaders warning other countries to “proceed with caution” in negotiations with Washington because any deal could be later undone. Tuesday’s announcement by the White House that it had submitted a plan to the UN ...
  the effluent society

Nebraska Guy To Regulators: Here, Have A Cold Glass Of Delicious Fracking Juice!

I'm so sorry I forgot to bring a bag of dicks to go with this...
This post sponsored by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for coverage of oil spills, fracking, and mystery fluids Public hearings don’t generally make for exciting video, short of the occasional outburst by fans of black helicopters or people worried about buttsex enzymes, but they can also be enlivened by an activist with a good visual aid. For example, here’s a Nebraska man inviting members of the state’s Oil and Gas Conservation Commission to drink glasses ...
  Accurate reporting is a liberal conspiracy!

Mean Federal Judge Won’t Let James O’Keefe Sue For Libel Just Because He Wasn’t Libeled, Unfair!

Behind that mask is a very sad face.
Rightwing dildo-lube-boat-enthusiast James O’Keefe is being oppressed again by activist judges and the mean liberal media. An obviously terrible judge has struck down his libel case arising from his infamous (failed) attempt to pretend to be a phone company worker for the purposes of sneaking into then-Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu’s office so O’Keefe could, we don’t know … bug it? Mess with her phone lines? Kidnap the senator and take her on a dildo lube ...
  Guess we're the U.S. of Mexico now

Supreme Court Tired Of White Kids Whining About Their Precious American Flag

sorry but freedom is dead now
Turns out you do not have an unlimited constitutional right to be a dickbag to your fellow classmates just because you are white, and they are Mexican, and you really don’t like Mexicans. Who knew? The Supreme Court has denied an appeal from California high school students who argue that school officials violated their right to free speech when they made them turn American flag T-shirts inside out. […] The Supreme Court justices did not comment on their decision to reject the ...