Revisionist history

New York Cops Just Tidying Up Wikipedia, Like They Did Times Square!

Oh you mean there's a rule against that?
Everyone hates when the internet says mean things about them or posts pictures or videos of them doing unflattering things — like making weird sex faces, for example, or choking a man to death right there on the street. That’s understandable. But the New York Police Department is apparently as mad as hell about it, and they’re not going to take it anymore: Computers operating on the New York Police Department’s computer network at its 1 Police Plaza headquarters have been ...
  Revisionist history

Rudy Giuliani: Why Can’t Obama Be More Like That Nice Rapist, Bill Cosby?

Screw you too, pal
Gather round, kids, because America’s Favorite Has-Been Mayor Rudy Giuliani has some more thoughts about how President Barack Obama is terrible at being black. And president. But wait, didn’t Giuliani recently say Obama is hardly even black at all, because he had a white mom AND white grandparents, ergo, you cannot say Giuliani’s racist words about the president are racist? (Actually, you can say that, and you should. Every time Rudy flaps his facehole.) Yes, he did say ...
  Billo's Seen Cops Shot Too

Oh, NOW Bill O’Reilly Thinks Irresponsible Words Can Inspire Violence

Call him irresponsible...and he will DESTROY YOU.
Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com Bill O’Reilly would just like to see a little more responsibility on the part of the media in how they cover sensitive issues, because as he’s recently discovered, language can have consequences! In a piece on the shootings of two police officers in Ferguson early Thursday morning, O’Reilly explained the link between violent words and violent deeds: “As we saw here in New York City, inflammatory rhetoric can get police ...
  One Toke Over The Party Line

Suddenly Everyone* Wants To Legalize Weed (*Not Everyone)

The latest Stoned Pony
To bring to life the old cliché that libertarians are just Republicans who want to get high, a couple of conservatives have unexpectedly supported various changes to marijuana laws this week. What’s more, there’s even a bill in the U.S. Senate to end the federal ban on medical weed and reclassify marijuana’s legal status from a Schedule 1 to a Schedule 2 drug, thus “allowing doctors to recommend its use in some cases to veterans, expanding access to researchers and ...
  Lowest bar ever for Godwin

Tennessee Pol: Chalk-Drawing Protest Slogans The New Kristallnacht. Not Over-Reacting A Bit!

A state senator’s hometown office was attacked by a vicious assault of sidewalk chalk, and he has responded by explicitly calling the chalkers Nazis. Oy vey. Sen. Todd Gardenhire (R-Chattanooga) is a conservative member of the Tennessee state Senate. He recently voted against Gov. Bill Haslam’s Insure TN, an attempt to conservatively expand Medicaid in the most conservative way possible even though that’s pretty much what Obamacare is, but whatever. Small victories. ...
  fingerpointing blamegame

Who’s To Blame For Godly Justin Harris Dumping His ‘Demonic’ Kids? People Like You

A member of the truth-challenged community
Everybody is being pretty mean to Justin Harris, the Arkansas state representative who just wanted to help some children have a good home and family, and show them some love and tenderness and stability before he decided that since even an exorcism couldn’t make them behave, they were way too much trouble, and so he “rehomed” them with a man who rapes children. They are saying really, REALLY mean things. They are saying things like “put him in jail” and ...
  They're so nice they didn't even add "OR DEATH?"

Nice Texas Democrats Give Delicious Gay Love Cakes To Bigot Republicans

Try it, we promise it won't make you gay. Much.
Texan bigots are just NOT OKAY with all these homosexuals comin’ all up into Texas and destroying opposite marriage for everybody. Know who IS okay with the gays destroying everything? Texas Democrats, that is who! They decided this week to deliver gay love cakes to a select group of the worst gay-hatin’ Texas Republicans of all: Earlier this week, Texas Republicans reached a whole new low. They celebrated Texas’ 10-year ban on marriage equality — denying tens of thousands ...
  outside agitators

Wingnuts Very Thoughtfully Compare Obama’s Civil Rights In Selma Speech To The KKK

Oh look, history!
About 100 marchers, including at least one original participant, are expected to complete their recreation of the 1965 Selma-to Montgomery march today when they reach the Alabama Capitol Friday morning. Finally, some historical re-enactors we like! But the 50th anniversary of Selma, that pivotal moment in the Civil Rights movement has not pleased everyone, sadly. It turns out that a group of rightwing anti-gay preachers are upset Barack Obama thinks LGBT people have civil rights too, and ...
  epic fail

Let’s Point And Laugh At Ted Cruz Trying To ‘Joke’ And Failing Miserably. For Fun!

President Ted Cruz (R-Not Really)
Here is a video of Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Needs New Material) trying to charm the International Association of Fire Fighters in Dallas this week, with some jokes! Apparently, conservatives eat up this crap and cheer and thump their chests and say “Oooh, Cruz for president!” A firefighters’ union, though? Not so much: I’ll tell you what I think is the simplest and best tax reform. We should abolish the IRS. [Waits for cheers and applause. Doesn’t get any. Not even a polite ...
  A massage to India

Aaron Schock Snuck Hot Male Personal Photographer On India Trip, How Romantic!

Rude journalists are just out for Illinois Congresscritter Aaron Schock’s blood these days, scouring his Instagram for pictures that look like they came from sexy, unreported trips that the taxpayers might have bought for him, due to what seems to be a pattern of ethics violations and questionable spending, and by golly it looks like they found another one! We reported several weeks ago that Aaron had hired his own personal “Jonathon,” in the form of Jonathon Link, a sexy ...
  Cloture? I barely know her

Mitch McConnell’s Plan To Woo Democrats With Insults Not Working. Huh.

Hmm, being Majority Leader is not going the way Mitch McConnell dreamed it would...
Yesterday in the long-running, apparently-never-gonna-close national production of Our Senate Sucks (now in its 226th year!), Mitch McConnell continued to be the worst lead since Styles Bridges had the entire place fumigated for gay cooties. With the bipartisan bill to fight human trafficking stalled over the GOP’s inclusion of irrelevant anti-abortion language, the Turtle suggested that for Democrats, “surely no left-wing special interest group is more important than fighting modern-day ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Conservatives Aren’t Happier Than Liberals After All, But They Are Liars. It’s Science!

Typical conservative
We all know what the studies say, right? Conservatives get dumber every time they watch Fox News. Liberals get unhappier every time they roll out of bed in their mom’s basement and smoke a bowl for brunch. If conservatives would stop praying for whores outside abortion clinics, they might know some things that are actually true. And if liberals would embrace Ronald Reagan as their personal lord and savior, they’d be all smiley faces and happy dancing. But oh! What is this? ...
  Death Squads? Meh. But Public Schools Are Oppressive

Republicans Finally Find Oppressed Refugees Worthy Of Asylum. It’s ‘People Who Homeschool’

Finally, some nice clean refugees!
You might remember the plight of those poor German homeschoolers who applied for asylum in the USA after the oppressive German government wouldn’t let them teach their kids about Jebus and his pet dinosaur. They really had it rough, and Eric Holder wouldn’t even help them at all, apparently because he’s content to see children abused by having to go to public schools. It was pretty much like the Holocaust, only directed at Christians and with German public school ...
  Missionary positions available

Sexy Florida Church Must Pay Taxes On All-Night Naked Beach Parties, Unfair!

Imagine you are a center of Legitimate Jesus Worship during the day, and a center of NEKKID BEACH PARTIES at night, because this is part of your “ministry.” You would be the Life Center: A Spiritual Community church, in Panama City Beach, and now the mean government is saying you’ve lost your tax exempt status because they’re just not sure college kids painting their naked Adam and Eve parts for Spring Break time on the beach is something any benevolent deity has ...
  For Truth Justice Freedom Reasonably-Priced Love and a Hard-Boiled Egg

Sir Terry Pratchett, God-King Of Literary Nerds, 1948-2015

Why even write an obit? We could just quote Sir Pterry all day
Terry Pratchett, satirical fantasy author, creator of the Discworld series of novels, and all around fine human being, died Thursday at the age of 66. He had been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s disease in 2007, but kept writing until the completion of his final novel, Raising Steam, last summer. “The world has lost one of its brightest, sharpest minds,” said Larry Finlay of his publishing company, Transworld […] The author died at home “with his cat ...
  oklahomo ok!

Oklahoma Just Made It Easier For Everyone To Get Married, To Spite Gays! Thanks Gays!

Todd Russ (R-Dumbfuck), the wingnut who could accidentally make gay marriage even easier in Oklahoma
Oklahoma’s House of Representatives has gotten on its white horse and rode up to the rescue of poor, poor county clerks who just can’t be imposed upon to do their fucking jobs — issuing marriage licenses to everyone, even the homo sort — due to their Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs™. It’s passed a bill, introduced by State Rep. Todd Russ, which would take ALL MARRIAGE out of the hands of the state, and sign that responsibility over to Pastor Joseph who handles ...
  He'll be here all week ... unfortunately

President Lindsey Graham Will Literally Invade Congress, With An Army (But Not Literally)

What a jokester
Supposedly, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham would like to be president, at least of the rich white penis parts of America. Ha, just kidding, that was a joke! But he keeps telling “jokes” that don’t work out well for him — on account of how they are not funny and make him look like A Asshole — and then he has to be all, like, “Ha, just kidding, that was a joke!” One time, he even said he was sorry for making a “joke,” when he called ...
  in his majesty’s secret service … chug chug chug!

Secret Service Bros Drunk Drive Into White House Barricades. Party On!

Have you ever wondered, when they’re not scoring those sweet, sweet South American hookers or being generally incompetent, what Secret Service agents do for fun? Sure you have. Well, it turns out they behave just like the rest of us — at least, like the rest of us did when we were drug-addled, brain-dead college freshman. The Obama administration is investigating allegations that two senior Secret Service agents, including a top member of the president’s protective detail, drove a ...
  Maybe More Guns Would Help?

Fox News: Eric Holder Really Should NOT Have Shot Those Cops In Ferguson!

The other chyron for the story: 'Street Justice: Police officers shot in wake of DOJ Report'
While two police officers were still hospitalized after being shot in Ferguson, Missouri, early Thursday morning (they have since been released), and police have no suspects, Fox News and other rightwing sources have identified the true culprits: Attorney General Eric Holder and everyone who’s ever protested against police brutality. Fox & Friends treated us to a double dose of analysis; first, Las Vegas attorney Bob Massi, one of Fox’s go-to analysts for explaining how ...
  she's still got it

Michele Bachmann Tattles On Illegal-Lovin’ GOP To Her Friend, An Invisible Lion

She tried to warn us
Have you been missing former Rep. Michele Bachmann since she retired to be president of the United States of Cheap Gas? Us too! And it seems she might be regretting her retirement, because hoo boy, those morons in the House are absolutely lost without her. In an EXCLUSIVE! interview with WND, Bachmann predicted that the 2016 presidential election has already been lost, thanks to those know-nothing turncoat Republicans who sold out their party and America. No, no, she’s not talking ...
  Ain't Too Proud To Beg But Definitely Too Proud To Admit To It

Obamacare-Hatin’ Sheriff Begs For More Filthy Liberal Money, Is Not A Beggar

Obamacare-hatin’ Sheriff Richard Mack called into the Thom Hartmann Program, and while the Sheriff’s cardiovascular system is still recovering from a heart attack, his balls still appear to be plump, healthy, and clad in the highest-quality brass. Mack insists that he don’t need no handouts, and also thank you for all the handouts, please keep ‘em comin’. Let’s get to the blockquotes, shall we? Hartmann: …you refuse to get health insurance because ...
  Tom Cotton for president

GOP’s Letter Totally Worked, Iran Will Do Whatever They Say Now

We sure showed 'em
Good job, Senate Republicans (and honorary Senators Rick Perry and Bobby Jindal, of course). You did it! You full on told Iran what is what, with your “cheeky” HI-larious letter Sternly Worded Letter, and now Iran is going to do whatever you say, since you warned them they’d better not do any deals with President Obama or else you will say some mean words! Oh, except not really, because Iran’s leadership thinks you guys are a bunch of dicks, which is true, and ...