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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Channel Announces Blowout Sale, All Derp Must Go

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
August 1 is quittin’ time for the Sarah Palin Channel, so the gang up in Wasilla is scrambling to move existing inventory. We’ve got three videos for you this week, one on gun rights and scary home invasions, one featuring Ghost Thomas Jefferson, and one exercise in patriotic free-verse over what sounds to Yr Wonket like an old-school Casio synth track. It’s a glorious day here at The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, so let’s dive in. Sarah ...
  Get Your Nerd On

John Lewis Is A Comics Superhero, Prepare For Ludicrous Speed, And Earth 2.0: Your Saturday Nerd-Out

He went for period accuracy where possible, but left out the tear gas and clubs
Happy Saturday, and welcome to your moment of Nerding: Just a few stories that we thought were pretty cool because they appeal to the geek in us. Real Life Superhero Cosplays As Himself For starters, how about congressman John Lewis of Georgia, attending his second Comic-Con last Saturday and getting into the whole cosplay scene, dressing as a character from March: Book 2, the comics memoir that he co-wrote with former campaign aide Andrew Aydin, with art by Nate Powell. To be specific, ...
  the good old days

Wingnuts Fondly Remember Simpler Time, When Americans Were Too Poor For Buttsex

Fancy a roll in the gay?
Back in my day, you didn’t just HAVE buttsex. You had to work for it, and each time you got it was a special treat. You had to walk uphill to get it, both ways, in the snow, and when you got there, your pecker was simply too frostbitten to get your reward. Ever tried to jam an icicle between a rock and a hard place? It breaks. And that was your pecker. Wingnut radio host Steve Deace: You had to have the welfare state before the sexual revolution … Prior to the welfare state, ...
  helpful hints

An Open Letter To Gawker, From Your Friend Wonkette

We're just trying to help.
Dear Gawker, So, you removed that post. You know, the one about a married man (whose name we will not be mentioning) trying to score some hot gay sex on the sly, away from his wife’s prying eyes — or maybe with her blessing, we don’t know the terms of their marriage, and neither do you. You have said you’re sorry, SORT OF. You SHOULD be sorry, not that your “apologies” really count at this point, since the story is already out there on the internet, even ...
  Also bad at doctoring

Rand Paul Canceling Government Again, Because Planned Parenthood (And Because He’s A Dick)

He went to some kind of medical school?
Hiya, Rand Paul, how are you being terrible today? Doing a “filibuster“? Yelling at all the girl journalists, for not journalisming at you like you like? Telling jokes about your college Aqua Buddha hijinks when you “kidnapped” a lady, HAHAHAHA? (Probably not that, actually.) Oh, HERE is how you are being terrible today: The Kentucky Republican and presidential candidate released multiple statements Friday promising to use “all legislative vehicles” to “defeat and ...
  Those Who Forget History Are Doomed To Live In The South

Butthurt Crackers Butthurt Over Slavery Monument Since They Can’t Have Treason Flag

No problem, man, we got too many dang ol' illegals here already, man.
Taking the concept of false equivalence to its illogical conclusion, some morons have started a petition to remove the African-American Monument from the South Carolina statehouse grounds, because it’s offensive to white people. As Great Statesman Lindsey Graham observed, the African-American history memorial was built as a face-saving part of the 2000 compromise to move the Confederate flag from the statehouse dome, so now that the flag has been removed from the Confederate war ...
  The Derp Horseman Of The Apocalypse

Godly Grifter Jim Bakker Says Iran Deal Means End Times, Please Send Money

'Every frame of this movie looks like somebody's last known photo' -- MST3K, Manos, The Hands of Fate
We learn all sorts of fascinating things working here at Yr Wonkette, and here is one of them: Jim Bakker, the disgraced ’80s televangelist who served time for doing big-time financial fraud for Jesus, is actually still on teevee somewhere in the scary recesses of cable where we never go! We were awfully sad when his ex-wife, gay icon and mascara addict Tammy Faye, died in 2007, but we’d forgotten that Jim was still out there running his old End Times grift, at least until ...
  The dumbest Bush

Jeb Bush Says Gays Can Have Flowers, But Not Gay Flowers

Very few of these going on in Jeb's head.
Jeb Bush is saying words with his mouth again, and as we all know, that doesn’t tend to go well. Speaking at Thumbtack, a start-up in San Francisco, Jeb! attempted to answer the age old question: Should people discriminate against gays by refusing to sell them flowers? “I don’t think you should be discriminated because of your sexual orientation. Period. Over and out,” he replied. Over and out! So no discrimination, that’s good. But should people discriminate against gays by ...
  Now It's Time To Go To Jail

Barack Obama Goes To Prison. Sorry, Wingnuts, He’s Just Visiting

You mean empathy isn't a dirty word? Even for *lawbreakers*?
Barack Obama made a bit of history Thursday, becoming the first sitting president to visit a federal prison. This follows a pretty impressive speech to the NAACP Wednesday, in which he said some things that, for a Democrat in earlier decades, would have prompted months of conservatives howling about the president being “soft on crime” — and other Democrats attempting damage control by sponsoring Get Tuff legislation. But none of that seems to be happening this time around ...
  Have fun in jail

Disgraced Former Rep. And Roid-Rager Michael Grimm Going To Pokey, For Tax Criming

Michael Grimm, tax cheat
Remember Michael Grimm? Probably not, but we will remind you. He was a Republican congressman from New York that one time, until he had to resign because of how he didn’t report of all his wages and revenue and kinda sorta filed fake tax documents for his restaurant, Healthalicious, OOPS, which is UNLEGAL, as a former FBI agent should probably know. First he was all like, “Nah, I did not cheat on my taxes, because I am a moral man, a man of integrity, so I would never — ...
  Best Donald Trump ever

Donald Trump Defeats Soviet Union, Builds Vietnam Memorial With His Bare Hands

This time he means it!
Donald “I’m Donald Trump” Trump is basically the most amazing man who has ever lived, which you should already know by now, and if you don’t you are an idiot because he tells us every day how amazing he is, why don’t you listen to him, America? Listen to Donald Trump, he knows everything! His “I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it!” Also, he is one of the sexiest men on the planet. (“So true!” Trump said, so you know it is.) ...
  Cantaloupe calves

Rep. Steve King Is Most Mexicanest Person Alive, Says Rep. Steve King

Olé!
What comes to mind when you think of Iowa Rep. Steve King? Racist? Wingnut? Asshole? Dumb as a knapsack full of syphilitic fucks? Well you are wrong, because the only thing that should come into your mind when you hear the name “Steve King” is “Most Likely To Be So Mexican,” because that’s what’s true: Now look, before you run off to Wikipedia to check on this, please understand that yr Wonkette has already DONE that journalism, and found the following ...
  The Big Diseasy

New Orleans Crotch Cricket Rate Off The Charts, So Let’s Not Teach Sex Ed

Why not bring back the classics?
How’s this for a surprise? Louisiana, where abstinence-only sex ed is mandatory and schools are actually forbidden by law from teaching about contraception and STDs, has the cities with the highest and second-highest STD infection rates in this great nation of ours. Cosmopolitan New Orleans is actually #2 in that competition, with the top prize going to Baton Rouge, which is of course French for “Pustulent Crimson Infected Stick.” But Think Progress brings us an inspiring ...
  Dying While Black

Why Do Black People Keep Killing Themselves When They Get Arrested?

Yeah, marijuana use is clearly the important part of this story.
Looks like there’s been another mysterious death of a black suspect in police custody, this time in Waller County, Texas, where 28-year-old Sandra Bland was found dead Monday after being arrested following a traffic stop last Friday. Bland was being held for allegedly kicking the Texas Highway Patrolman who pulled her over for failing to signal a lane change; Waller County Sheriff Glenn Smith said that Bland was found hanging in her cell at 9:00 a.m. Monday, about an hour after asking ...
  Meanest dad ever

Tyrant Dad Barack Obama Won’t Let His Girls Text At Dinner Table, IMPEACH!

No fair, why does HE get to use his phone and we can't? MOM!
BARACK OBAMA IS THE MEANEST DAD IN THE WORLD, YOU GUYS. Why? Uh, because his daughters are never going to be popular, like ever, because what if Chrissy texts one of them like “Hey Malia we’re nominating you for the popularity contest but you have to respond to this text within 10 minutes, otherwise we’re nominating you for the dork contest and you win LOL emoji emoji emoji,” but mean President Dad says no phones at the dinner table, GOD DAD, MY LIFE IS RUINED ...
  I know you is but what are I?

Stupid Donald Trump Says Rick Perry Is The Real Stupid

You're both a idiot
Don’t you just love the smell of stupids catfighting in the morning? Here is Gov. Rick Perry, trying to bitch-slap the guy who is currently kicking his ass so hard, Perry might not even scrape his way into the first Republican primary debate of “real” contenders (hahahahahahahaha, REAL CONTENDERS): Rather than thanking Texas for stepping into a gap it shouldn’t have to fill, Mr. Trump has made clear that he believes the states should fend for themselves on border security. ...