Pretty talk

Bobby Jindal Happy To Call Brown People Names If He Can Be President

Louisiana Gov. Piyush “Bobby like the Brady Bunch” Jindal is the spittin’ image of racial transcendence. He doesn’t see race, even when he looks in the mirror, because he is a proud American, from America, raised by American immigrants who came to America, so that’s THAT. He is not Indian-American because he doesn’t believe in that sort of radical leftist divisive nonsense, and he’s “done with all this talk about hyphen-Americans.” And ...
  Forgive me father for I am Donald Trump

Donald Trump Warns Pope Francis About ISIS Monsters Under His Bed

Pope Francis is heading to America soon, whereupon he’ll do that thing where he kisses the little Catholic babies and says “Death to America,” or at least that’s how it sounds to Republicans, who don’t like how he says “climate change exists” and “fracking is a bad thing” and “gays are evil but not that evil I guess.”  Donald Trump especially doesn’t like it when New Pope does that commie talk about how maybe unfettered ...

Mike Huckabee Lectures Jewishes In Their Homeland. It Does Not Go Well

Oozing chancroid sore Mike Huckabee traveled to Israel recently to explain to his mishpucha why he will be the best president of the United States of Israel EVER, now give him all the Jew money, please and thank you. You’d think a self-appointed expert on the Jewishes — he’s been to Israel several times, you know, and he’s seen the ovens at Auschwitz, and he has so many Jewish friends he is practically more Jewish than they are! — would know better than to ...
  They'd Be *Surgical* Strikes

Ben Carson Has Cool Idea For Bombing Mexicans With Drones

Death From Above is Magic
Ben Carson may not know anything about actual policy or facts or boring details like how the Supreme Court works, but he’s a real quick study when it comes to finding stuff that will excite rightwing supporters. And if Donald Trump is going to build a YOOGE classy completely impermeable wall to keep Messicans from all over South America from crossing the border, then Ben Carson has an idea to top that: Use drones against immigrants. Not reconnaissance drones to monitor their movements ...
  And This Is The 'Moderate' One

King John Kasich Promises To Ban Whiny Teachers From Whining

Basically Tim Pawlenty with slightly more experience. Whatever happened to T-Paw anyway?
Ohio Gov. Tim Pawlenty took a little time Wednesday to remind the GOP primary electorate that, for all that “moderate” stuff they may have heard about him, he’s just as able to sound like a rightwing turd-mongler as any other Republican. For instance, he really hates unions, especially teachers’ unions, so that’s a terrific thing about John Kasich. See? Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker isn’t the only Get Tough On Teachers and Murder Public Education candidate ...
  Pass To The Left

Idaho Transportation Dept. Has Had It With You Stoners Stealing ‘420’ Mileposts

Huhhh... Huhh-huhh. 420, Man. Huhh.
In general, Yr Wonkette is quite open and loving and tolerant toward potheads, who (we hear) tend to be gentle souls who natter on endlessly about how industrial hemp will save the world through Fiber Magic, and then start giggling like idiots whenever they see the number “420.” It’s about as automatic as any male over the age of 12 seeing the whole number that falls between 68 and 70. But in the Great State of Idaho, where officialdom is not friendly to lovers of the ...

Jerkface Gov. Paul LePage Will Resign If Enough People Dump Pigs’ Blood On Him At Prom

Stupider things have happened
Maine Wonkers, AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, we have a job for you! Your asshole governor, Paul LePage, you know who we’re talking about? Yeah him. So remember how he chicken-scrawled out a mean, poorly worded note to a constituent who wanted him to resign, essentially saying “I KNOW I ARE BUT WHAT IS YOU?” and then stuck the piece of official Maine Governor stationery down his pants and rubbed it around in the toilet paper-infected zone that probably spreads from his balls to ...
  Karma is a hilarious bitch

Looks Like Josh Duggar Wanted To Molest An Adult For Once

Listen, honey, there's something I need to tell you.
We TOLD you people about how that gross Ashley Madison website, where married people go and set up accounts so they can try to have naked affairs with other married people, got hacked. And now the hackers have released that information, and OOH! Guess whose name is in there? Why, if it isn’t the Family Values Fundamentalist Christian Self-Righteous Motherfucker Piece Of Shit Sister-Molester EXTRAORDINAIRE, Joshua Duggar! Someone using a credit card belonging to a Joshua J. Duggar, ...

Sexy Bill Clinton Turns Sexy 69 Haw Haw Get It SEX JOKES!

William Jefferson Clinton, aka Bill, aka Big Dawg, aka The Clenis, aka the future first man-lady of America, was born on a day that was exactly 69 years ago from this day, Aug. 19, and according to a little-known codicil in the corporate charter of Yr Wonkette — which we do not have, what are we, a frickin’ Fortune 500 company? STFU and just go with it — we are contractually, legally, and biblically obligated to makes some sexy sex jokes, about sex, for your sextainment. ...
  Definitive proof

‘Pro-Life’ Wingnuts Secretly Love Abortion, This Video Says So

Hey remember that time a million years ago (but really in the middle of July) when lying twat-gurgler anti-choice extremists from Operation Rescue and Live Action, going under the name “Center For Medical Progress,” released a SHOCK VIDEO that showed Planned Parenthood folks getting all excited about the bargain they got on fetus parts at the Fetus Parts Farmers Market that morning? And remember how quickly it became a SCIENCE FACT that this was what was happening, due to Fox ...
  anchors away

Donald Trump Is The Greatest Constitutional Scholar, He Is Really Terrific

Hey, you know how Donald Trump is really, really, super and terrifically dumb? Well, funny story: BOY HOWDY IS DONALD TRUMP STUPID. You know how he always has moron “experts” who tell him things like Obama is definitely a Martian, from Mars? Well, now he has “experts” who are teaching him why the Constitution is wrong when it says little brown babies born here are “citizens,” as if. Politico watched his Clash of the Titan Brains with Bill O’Reilly ...
  Aren't All Flags False Man?

Georgia Gallery Owner Replaces Confederate Flag With Nazi Flag, That’s Better

Why be so hung up on symbols? Or for that matter, hang up symbols?
A Macon, Georgia art gallery owner who had been flying a Confederate flag outside his business took the thing down Monday and replaced it with a WW II Nazi military flag, complete with swastika. Ah, but this is no mere gratuitous display of redneck defiance! Anthony Harris, owner of Seven on Second gallery, is either boldly challenging conventional assumptions about semiotic signification (no doubt in a Bakhtinian spirit of playful transgression or jouissance), or just being kind of a jerk. ...
  MAN she wants to be his running mate

Sarah Palin Likes Her Men Dumb And Drunk, Like Donald Trump

The blouse really complements her derp.
Sarah Palin loves Donald Trump, because he’s a BIG PICTURE, Joe Six-Pack kind of pompous billionaire asshole HERO, who doesn’t get mired down in little details like “policy” and “actual opinions” about stuff and things. And you know how Joe Six-Pack is, he’s a regular guy who just downed a six pack of Keystone Light and now he’s telling you what he thinks about America and you betcha, we need more people like like Joe Six-Pack, who is Donald ...
  Clampett Libel?

Armed Idiot Protects Oklahoma Gun Store From Muslims By Shooting Himself

How Not to Protect America
In Oktaha, Oklahoma, the owners of a local survivalist shop and gun range decided last week that it was high time to jump on the “Muslim-free zone” gravy train, because there’s a whole lot of ISIS activity in the Muskogee County town (population 390). The owners of the “Save Yourself Survival and Tactical Gear” claim they immediately started receiving death threats — not to mention free publicity — from all over the world after putting up this ...
  GOP sad face

More Bad News About Planned Parenthood. For Republicans, That Is

You know how Republicans have been furiously jerking their little mottled boner stumps to their snuff flick fantasies of murdering Planned Parenthood? And we have been screaming what a dumb idea that is because everyone loves Planned Parenthood — waaaaaaaay more than they love all the presidential candidates and the whole Republican Party, in fact — and also, millions of women and boy-women rely on Planned Parenthood for their healthcare, and taking away people’s ...
  We exist! We really exist!

Rachel Maddow Wants To Gay Marry Yr Wonkette, And We Accept!

Wonkette's fiance
Wonkette is pleased to report that we officially exist on the internet, after years of relying on strangers to notice us wearing Wonkette T-shirts and carrying Wonkette tote bags (available in the Wonkette Sweat Shop for the low, low price of “money”!) and crinkle their eyebrows like maybe they recognize that logo from somewhere. Rachel Maddow opened her show Tuesday night like she always does, with a long professorial segment to teach us important knowledge about the world we ...