Former (see note at end of post) Southern Baptist leader Richard Land has some insight into the scourge of single motherhood: Obviously, abortion is never a valid choice, but according to Land, keeping the baby is also a terrible idea. Instead of keeping their babies, these knocked-up sluts should stop being so selfish and give their babies up for adoption, because, you know, King Solomon. There are a lot of Christian couples out there who would just love to bring up a baby with the moral values of Richard Land, after all — talk about an incentive! READ MORE »
December 11, 2013
Did you love Alec Baldwin in 30 Rock? Wasn’t he sort of delightfully terrible? A caricature of every bad diva boss you’ve ever had — the people who couldn’t make their own coffee, even though it was a fucking Keurig machine, the people who demanded you literally be in two places at once, the people who threw tantrums over having to use the same pens that everyone else did. Apparently, that is actually how Alec Baldwin is in real life, which is much less amusing, sadly, and it appears that MSNBC is unamused as well and is canning his ass.
- A former county Republican Party chair who resigned shortly before being charged with raping a paralegal after an office party.
- A mall Santa who has been charged with groping a photo elf. You know, seasonal human interest story.
Don’t these idiots know that Blowvember is supposed to be about embarrassing consensual sex? They not only fail at Blowvember, but at being human beings. READ MORE »
by Dan Weber
I don’t care whether his family’s feelings are hurt or not. If they are, they can take comfort from the extraordinary piety, stupidity, and, generally speaking, the uniformity of coverage of the man’s death.
-Christopher Hitchens, on the legacy of Jerry Falwell, as quoted by Chris Faraone, author of I Killed Breitbart.
Chris Faraone doesn’t want your civility. To Faraone, ignorant, conspiratorial, and often racist ramblings on the Internet are the Real Conversation, or at least part of it, and we shouldn’t try to pretend that real people aren’t taking real time out of their real lives to make those comments.
Faraone’s latest book, I Killed Breitbart, brings you face-to-page with every commenter on the internet, including the Curmudgeonly Conservative, the Overly Earnest Liberal, and a sizeable group of people who believe the question is irrelevant because the answer is always RON PAUL 2012. Readers will find themselves in places that respectable members of society try to avoid, like a Free Staters rally in New Hampshire, the back of a police van in New York, and the entire Tampa-St. Petersburg metropolitan area. Along the way, Faraone discovers that even though astroturfing has become high art, there are still enough zealots, contrarians, and cranks to keep things unpredictable and endlessly entertaining.
Fact: Conservatives are not very good at doing funny. Sure, they try. And fail. And if you don’t get the joke, you’re probably just some politically correct overly sensitive something-or-other. Or maybe, just maybe, it is because conservatives are not very good at doing the funny.
Exhibit eleventeen trillion for your consideration: Heritage Foundation’s new line of Thanksgiving cards to send to “that really annoying liberal in your life.” Because Thanksgiving is all about being a dick to people, just like the pilgrims were dicks to … okay, never mind, that might actually be sort of correct. READ MORE »
Hey, Wonkedorians, what are you up to this Thanksgiving, or Hanukkah, or Thanksgivukkah? Were you hoping that the Secret Service would bust down your door during the turkey carving, or would you prefer they wait until later in the day when you’re drunk on the couch watching football? Then consider declaring that you have the authority to shoot Obama because of argle bargle constitution blatherskite. It’s sure to guarantee you extra visitors on your special day.
“We now have authority to shoot Obama, i.e., to kill him,” [Everest Wilhelmen, leader of the Christian American Patriots Militia] posted on his Facebook page. “His willful violations and alienation of our Constitution, constant disregard for our peaceful protests and corruption of all the three branches of government, (i.e., rogue and illegitimate government), reveal the dictator that he is. Obama and his co-conspirators disrespect our Constitution (constitutional rule of law) and abuse the American people.”
Rick Santorum has given it a lot of thought, and he’s figured out that if the true results of the 2012 Iowa Caucus had been reported right away, he’d have been the guy to win the Not Romney Sweepstakes, get the nomination, and lose to Barack Obama.
“Had he lost Iowa, then the air of invincibility would’ve been dashed,” Santorum said of his opponent. “Of course, we had a great week raising money, but it wasn’t the same, had we won. If we’d won, I would’ve been on every show the next day, and Time magazine might have had me on the cover. Things like that would’ve really changed the whole thing.”
That is some A+++ logic right there (the math science of words), would logic with Rick Santorum again! So does this mean he’s going to step aside from making awful movies (teaser: review coming soon!) and run again? He’s definitely been giving it some thought, because now he’s whatchacall “seasoned.” Or past his sell-by date, or something. READ MORE »
You mocked us when we said “hey maybe this cat will Vatican III up in here.” You pooh-poohed us when we said we were getting a real good feeling he would liberalize the Church. You rolled your terrible eyes and gnashed your terrible teeth when we said not to be a bunch of goddamn Naderites for whom perfection is never quite perfect enough, all “waaaah, we won’t be happy until organized religion is wiped off the face of the earth,” and also, “waaah.” Well, suck it, beloved Terrible Ones, because New Pope just released the platform for his papacy, and it is basically titled “To Serve the Rich.”
Oh shit! IT’S A COOKBOOK! READ MORE »
Founding Mensa member and Fox & Friends cohost Elisabeth Hasselbeck knows genius when she sees it. Where has Elisabeth Hasselbeck seen genius today? In “young invincibles” refusing to buy insurance!
“You know who is playing it smart?” Hasselbeck began. “Young invincibles. The young set out there who are not buying into Obamacare because they’re seeing situations like this and saying, ‘I’m not going to be the one responsible for paying for everybody else. That’s not what was sold to me.’ So they’re not signing up. Government’s freaking out because they need the young people to pay for Obamacare.”
We have never heard that particular formulation before, but who are we to question what is “smart” and what is “the opposite of that.” READ MORE »
Around these parts, when we hear the name “Steve Stockman,” we usually wonder what damn fool shenanigans he’s gotten up to this time. This is, after all, the guy who invited Ted Nugent to be his guest at the State of the Union address, asked the Obama-mask rodeo clown to please come and spread good cheer to the children of Texas, and wondered why Barack Obama can’t make healthcare.gov work more like a 1985 video game. What we don’t usually associate the name Steve Stockman with is “mysterious income that he’s failed to disclose,” but we’re sure we can get used to it. Turns out that one of the top wingnut loudmouths on Twitter is pretty tight-mouthed about his finances, possibly in violation of federal disclosure requirements. The Houston Chronicle published a bigass investigation Sunday, reporting that Stockman
“failed to make federally required disclosures about business affiliations that stretch from Texas to the British Virgin Islands, and has provided no details about the business he claims as his sole source of income.”
There’s probably a perfectly reasonable explanation for Stockman’s reluctance to actually say where his money comes from, which is most likely that he doesn’t wanna. READ MORE »
See that video, up there yonder? That is Prezzy B. Barry Bamz talking about immigration reform or something, who even knows, everyone hates him so much now because of “second term I hate you” disease we can barely even stand the sight of him. HOW DARE YOU STILL BE PRESIDENT NOBAMA WE ARE BOOOOORED BOOOOOORED AND ALSO UR A LOOSER. But the twitters started saying a heckler had heckled old Bamzy up there, and we like hecklers, because we have bad manners, so we decided to watch it. Eighteen hundred hours and 42 minutes later, the heckler sewed his scrotum on and heckled our Smooth B from RIGHT UP THERE ON THE DAIS! That is ballsy, heckler! Who even let that heckler up there? Did he sneak his way in by promising he’d pretend to “faint”? Somebody fire the White House Social Secretary! Again!
In this new campaign ad, creatively titled “Daughters,” Liz Cheney’s daughters talk about their family’s “deep roots” in the state that their mother left during junior high school and returned to last year to run for Senate. She is totally a Wyoming … what is the word you people say… “gal.” Through and through. Her papa, Dick “Papa Dik” Cheney, lived there oncet, and even represented the state in Congress. In the last century. Also, pay no attention to their Aunt Mary and her heathen Virginia ways. READ MORE »
A homeless man in Atlanta, Georgia, is being rewarded for the basic decency he exhibited a couple weeks ago, when he found a French woman’s wallet in a trash can while looking for food. He checked several downtown Atlanta hotels before staff at the Omni Hotel found that the woman, Anne Drouart, was staying there. After a highly publicized search, the good guy, Joel Hartman, was found Friday and is staying in the Omni gratis until the day after Thanksgiving; the hotel is also giving him a $500 cash reward and free room service during his stay, including a Thanksgiving dinner. We’re also hoping that maybe someone at the hotel thought to call a social worker? So rejoice, America! Homelessness is over! READ MORE »