J. EDGAR WOULD BE SO PROUD  4:31 pm August 3, 2010

by Josh Fruhlinger

For FREEEEDOMFBI SOLVES ALL CRIMES, WILL NOW DEDICATE ITSELF TO HASSLING DORKS ON WEBSITES: Have you ever visited Wikipedia’s article about the FBI, seen the FBI logo, and worried that a little man inside your computer is flashing a badge at you, and is about to send you to jail? Well, the Bureau has your back, as it is attempting to get the online nerd party to remove the image from the site, based on a law that prevents people from misrepresenting themselves as being affiliated with the FBI. Look for the harassment to continue until someone points out that “Wikipedia” and “Wikileaks” are not the same thing. [NYT]

  • I am Oily Pelican Dot Com

    The static kill sex position procedure is slated to begin today, if it didn’t start last night while Doctor Jindal was sleeping. The process of shoving mud and shooting cement down the throat of the well may actually kill the well and nullify the need to use the relief wells. The engineers are concerned that shooting stuff all over the place may damage the fleshy flap seal called the annulus. READ MORE »

For the uncensored pic, check out our pay site, hotnakedsilvio.itIf the leader of one of the world’s eight largest economies was rumored to have engaged in group sex with three prostitutes, that’s “news,” right? What if the leader in question was Silvio Berlusconi? These are the sorts of philosophical conundra you run into in the blogging business. The Silvio-whore connection is well established, which is why this latest news is exciting less for quality than for quantity. And it isn’t even the thing that will result in him maybe losing his job tomorrow! READ MORE »

Why not? Well, she'll tell you why yes: socialism.The field for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination is getting very crowded with good candidates! The first step, of course, is to set up a Political Action Committee so that you can funnel money to your future campaign and to other politicians you want to buy, and now our pal Michele Bachmann has just done this very thing. It, of course, has a cute name: MICHELEPAC, which is apparently an acronym for “Many Individual Conservatives Helping Elect Leaders Everywhere PAC.” CREEPy! READ MORE »

Young John McCain, from Young John McCain: The Animated Series, is judging you.Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has decided to join his party’s greatest thinkers in their innovative new idea to change the Constitution to repeal the part of the 142-year-old Fourteenth Amendment that children born in the United States are citizens. “I haven’t made a final decision about it, but that’s something that we clearly need to look at. Regardless of how you feel about the various aspects of immigration reform, I don’t think anybody thinks that’s something they’re comfortable with.” Except, perhaps, Americans born in the U.S. who are from immigrant families are comfortable with it. Oh, are those not people? Then let us note that basically all Americans have lived comfortably with that part of the Constitution for 142 years. Anyway, the important thing is the comical lengths John McCain took to try not to have to support this crazy idea. READ MORE »

Rand Paul knows which side he's onA few months ago, Rand Paul said some things that maybe didn’t go over so well vis-a-vis coal miners dying in explosions and black people getting their take-out food from the kitchen entrance. This caused him to go into seclusion, hiding from the press and their “gotcha” questions about policy positions he holds and laws he would attempt to pass if elected. But now he’s emerged from his shell, allowing himself to be tailed by a reporter from Details magazine, which, is that still trying to be the gay Esquire? Anyway, Rand Paul is ignorant of his “home” state’s history, and also would like the Federal government to stop trying to save the lives of his potential constituents. READ MORE »

Yes, here is a person in serious contention for U.S. Senate, wondering why the press does not write the things she wants them to write and help her raise money. Why is it that the media thinks it has a different role than Teabagger websites? That is not very nice, you guys. Territory folks should stick together. Territory folks should all be pals. READ MORE »

  • Here is today’s obligatory “No Muslim Churches at Ground Zero” thing. It brings up a lot of great points (i.e. 9/11) so make sure you read it in its entirety. [RedState]
  • Governor Paterson vetoed important sippy cup legislation. What else is there to say? New York wants to keep the sippy cup down. [Daily Intel]
  • Matt Yglesias finally explains his postmodern concept of “the pundit’s fallacy” (when Andrew Breitbart convinces the White House that Shirley Sherrod is a huge racist). [Matt Yglesias]
  • There is feverish warblogging going on at the global warming conspiracy hub ScienceBlogs. Nerds. [The Daily Dish]
  • If you were tricked into buying a broken iPhone from Steve Jobs, please help the free market mend its tarnished reputation by downloading this chic Ayn Rand fart app. [Hit & Run]

bye-bye!Oh the interns! They were everywhere, but now they’re leaving, so it’s time to say goodbye to DC’s Summer Slave Class. They came, they stapled, threw up on bars, ran around half-naked, and accomplished … nothing. And so, Interns, as you put the final touches on your collages, or whatever you did for your One Summer Project that no one will ever, ever care about, it’s important to remember that sitting in an office all summer making no money didn’t make you any more employable, not by any means. But, no, really, we thank you for your service to DC, and mostly for doing the work junior staff hates doing. READ MORE »

Stay cool, chairman, no matter how much you pukeThe National Association of Black Journalists was having a party in San Diego last week, and they invited noted black person Michael Steele to join them! Because they’re journalists in addition to being black, these guys would probably ask Steele about recent important black people political news, like the smearing of nice black lady Shirley Sherrod. But Steele is a smooth operator! He would deftly explain what needed explaining, apologize when necessary, and agree to disagree where there’s no common ground, right? Oh, or he might cancel at the last minute, sending word through a spokesperson that he was back at his hotel puking his guts out. READ MORE »

We will repeal it in a secret, clever way!The Health Care Reform law that recently passed included a single fatal flaw: instead of being physically installed in our constitution, along with the rights to free abortions and nonstop sodomy, it was merely passed as a “law” that could potentially be repealed. That probably won’t happen so long as Dr. Obama can veto things; but, instead of just giving the new Death Panel Czar the key to the Treasury, the law put Congress in charge of appropriating the money to pay for various important Health Care dealies! And this is not subject to veto, apparently? There was no “Schoolhouse Rock” on the topic, so we wouldn’t know. Anyway, now many Republicans are just running on a “we will not pay for this health care, even though the law requires us to” platform, which should go over great with an electorate that has discovered that it loves the law after all. READ MORE »

  • Even Nate Silver's math skills cannot express her chances of winning numericallyIf you live in Kansas, Michigan, or Missouri, there is a primary in your state today! Why aren’t you voting, right now? Is it because you hate America and Freedom, or because you are too dumb to know who to vote for, or even what party you’re registered with? Well, Nate Silver assigned one of his lackeys to explain which races are important and/or competitive, though we note that Joan Heffington isn’t even mentioned in the discussion of the Kansas primary, so how accurate can this analysis be, really? READ MORE »

Best interview ever. [CNN]

WARD 8 LEGENDS  6:30 pm August 2, 2010

by Riley Waggaman

not even hidden cameras can convict Marion Barry!EX-GIRLFRIEND ALMOST GETS MARION BARRY IN A LOT OF TROUBLE AGAIN: “The Office of Campaign Finance has cleared D.C. Council member Marion Barry (D-Ward 8) of violating city laws in giving then-girlfriend Donna Watts-Brighthaupt a $5,000-a-month contract in 2009.” Hurray! [Washington Post]

If Robin Williams and Benedict XVI had a sonYou might remember “Dick Wadhams,” the Colorado GOP chairman with the funny name who was bleating about how Tom Tancredo shouldn’t run for Colorado Governor a couple of weeks ago. And if you have a really long attention span, you might remember him as the guy that Slate dubbed “Karl Rove’s heir apparent” in 2005. But Karl Rove is probably shaking his head in disgust at the sad sate of Wadham’s career, which hit a new low last weekend when a bunch of mean people bought dumpdickwadhams.com and put that absolutely wonderful picture of him above on it. READ MORE »