today in sadness

Anti-Gay Marriage Ad: Keep Filthy Queers Out Of Our Leaf Piles

Here’s a great new ad from the anti-gay-marriage amendment crusaders in whatever state is “doing that” now… ah, super gay Washington state. God and the Jesus made marriage for men and women, so they could fuck and have children and play in piles of leaves. How would you heteros like it in you’re splashing leaves with your children Little Johnny reaches into the pile only to grab the exposed cock of a hidden homo? You simply would not care for that. UPDATE: Oh ...
  stories for your grandkids

Montana State Sen. Charged In Congressman’s Boat Crash

In late August, juuuuuust as the Congressional recess was reaching a close, Montana Rep. Denny Rehberg — who has a history of getting trashed and flopping around on horses in Kazakhstan — went out on a boat with some buddies, and within minutes that boat was somehow vertical, among a pile of rocks. How drunk was the Boat Captain?, America asked. Well now we know: 0.16 — and that was several hours after the crash! It wasn’t Rehberg, though, operating the boat, just ...
  stop being mean to dick cheney

Al Franken Saves Ladies From Rape! Republicans Upset

Al Franken is like the best Senator ever, maybe. Here he talking for seven minutes yesterday about his amendment to a defense appropriations bill that would defund KBR (Halliburton) or any other contractor that forces its employees to waive their rights to criminal or civil cases when they get abused or — as was the case of one KBR employee in Iraq — gang-raped by their co-workers. The amendment passed, 68-30! Thirty Republican males voted against it. They thought Al Franken was ...
  he will probably win the republican primary

Georgia Congressman Apologizes For ‘Ghetto Grandmothers’ Comment

Poor Georgia Congressman and gubernatorial candidate Nathan Deal. He was trying in Congress this one time to make sure that all illegals either show their birth certificates or die, but then the “ghetto grandmothers” complained that they did not have their birth certificates handy. Oh, those old ladies in the ghetto! Deal has apologized, but had a very important serious point, okay? [YouTube, AJC]
  upcoming presidential trips

OBAMA GOING TO INDONESIA NEXT YEAR! The muslin comes home to roost: “JAKARTA — US President Barack Obama will visit Indonesia next year to ‘showcase the importance of growing US-Indonesia bilateral relations,’ the US embassy said Wednesday.” What fun. You know, the U.S. and Indonesia used to have great bilateral relations! Back in the ’70s, the U.S. supported and fully funded Indonesia’s brutal invasion and genocide of East Timor, so it could send ...
  food/booze news!

October In DC: Drink Up

Wednesday, October 7: Free beer from 5PM- 6PM, followed by buy-one-get-one free beer for the rest of the night. Then if you can still function, you can bid on someone to take home– all in the name of charity. [Put Your Best Foot Forward]
  raw democracy

Memphis Holds Classic Mayoral Debate Melee

Twelve candidates showed up for a mayoral debate in Memphis last night, and as you can see in the photo, this included some crazies — can you believe they let a black guy participate? Here was another candidate’s epic closing: “I don’t know what I would do if I’m elected mayor of Memphis. [unintelligible] If I do get elected mayor of Memphis, well, there are some things I will do. I will go decriminalize marijuana and focus on the hard drugs, the real drugs, the junkies, ...

Tim Pawlenty Was The Iowa Republicans’ Sarah Palin Replacement Safety Speaker

HA! What have we here, buried in this nothing news item about Tim Pawlenty going to headline the “Ronald Reagan Dinner,” the proceeds of which benefit Republicans In Iowa, or Republicans From Iowa, or Republicans Without Iowa, something like that. Ummm… voila: “In July, organizers of the event had said they had tried to line up former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the 2008 vice presidential nominee.” It is too bad that the Iowa Republicans were unable to convince, ...
  art theory in the news

Barack Obama Rented All This New Art To Express His Feelings About Things

So the Obamas are replacing a lot of the landscapes and marble busts and whatever in the White House with new art that they actually like. For example, this thing over there to the right depicting two very different people who are united by their shared interest in murdering a buffalo. The Times, the British one, calls this a “cultural revolution.” This is true! Very soon all families in America will be required to own several Rothkos, or the equivalent in buffalo murder ...
  two resignations and counting

Tom DeLay RESIGNS From Dance!

When the producers told Tom DeLay not to dance, Tom DeLay danced. When the Cheryl person was like, “Seriously… just. You know what, it’s really okay?” Tom DeLay danced on. When the doctors reminded DeLay of his equal parts vague and debilitating foot injury, Tom DeLay chose samba, not fear. But the ambiguity of the foot injury has simply become too much to bear! And now he hath danced too much and there is no more dancing left in the world. DeLay: “If you ...
  daily briefing

NASA Is Now ‘Discovering’ Invisible Space Things Probably Just To Blow Them Up

This new tax credit thing for businesses that make up new jobs is not entirely despised by everyone in Congress. Even Eric Cantor is like, whatever! [New York Times] But speaking of “entirely despised by everyone in Congress”: Obama’s Afghanistan strategy. [Washington Post] NASA has discovered an enormous invisible (?) ring around Saturn that’s the size of 1 billion Earths. Next step will be for them to make the case for why we need to blow it up. [CNN] The Taliban ...
  rumors on the internets

Please Stop Asking Michele Bachmann Word Problems Involving MSNBC And Long Division

Wolf Blitzer exposes SNL with his award-winning muckraking journalism. [Hot Air] Hundreds of fake doctors (including Jeff Gannon) were forced to wear lab coats and say flattering things about socialized medicine. [Michelle Malkin] Michele Bachmann does not know anything about MSNBC. She doesn’t know how to spell MSNBC and she doesn’t want to know. She doesn’t know what MSNBC stands for, or if it stands for anything at all. Maybe it’s Spanish. She just doesn’t ...
  the 'other racism'

SHUT UP AND MAKE THE GENERAL A GODDAMN PIE: Republicans tend to hate it when ladies have jobs. They should be at home, pooping out babies, because of the Bible. Sometimes they conceal this hatred, sometimes they don’t, and sometimes they don’t in official NRCC press releases: “If Nancy Pelosi’s failed economic policies are any indicator of the effect she may have on Afghanistan, taxpayers can only hope McChrystal is able to put her in her place.” These vaginers ...
  wonkette art review

‘Real American’ Records Actual Historical Event In Beautiful Painting

A bunch of you have sent us a link to this painting by a fellow named Jon McNaughton, depicting the divine event that took place during the hot Philadelphia summer of 1787, when Jeebus flew to America from his ice cave on Pluto to deliver the U.S. Constitution to some brat before an in-studio audience consisting of George Washington, Mister Hollywood, Liberal News Reporter, Satan, and others. “Jon McNaughton would like to set the record straight,” we read.
  achievements in choreography

Why Yes, Tom DeLay *Will* Samba The Shit Out Of “Why Can’t We Be Friends?”

Do you know how many candy canes were killed in order to make Tom DeLay’s dance outfit he wore on the dancing show the other night? This is a rough estimate, but… ~all of them. Anyway, bitchin’ rhinestone elephant decal on the back! It really catches the light, especially when Tom DeLay throws his arms up, mid-samba, to throw what appears to be dollar bills at his dance partner, a Job-like figure named Cheryl Dance. Ooh, and note how the light show is in red, white and ...
  achievements in choreography

OMG It’s Fall, Part I

Well it’s fall. Summer was fun, but, hey, it’s gone, and now it’s fall. Fall brings pretty leaves, perhaps a political affair (nesting occurs more during these months), maybe a public option, and who knows what else! And for you, there is so much fun to be had in fall.
  lowry vs. latimer

Douchey No Name Bush Speechwriter “Matt Latimer” Puts The Corner In A Corner!

Rich Lowry vs. Matt Latimer, this is so on! The ONE TIME Rich Lowry goes to work and puts on his bowler hat and three piece suit and pretends to be a newspaper-man, Matt Latimer, former Bush speechwriter/social chair of Mars’ douchiest fraternity, refuses to answer any of Lowry’s broadsheet journalism media questions! “Matt Latimer, isn’t the fact that you’re in a pederastic relationship with Donald Rumsfeld—and the fact that you’re currently helping him ...
  military-industrial complex getting desperate

NASA To ‘Bomb The Moon,’ Because What Else Do They Have To Do?

It’s not Iran, but the Washington Post editorial board should be pleased to know that we’re bombing the dickens out of something: “NASA’s going for full impact Friday, firing a bomb-laden missile at the moon in a dramatic search for water. The National Aeronautics and Space Administration is sending its Lunar CRater Observing and Sensing Satellite (LCROSS) on a mission to fire a missile into the south pole of the moon as twice the speed of a bullet.”
  all cable television is poison

Keith Olbermann To Yell Without Interruption For Full Hour Tomorrow

For those of you who like terrible Keith Olbermann, because he was the “only television host to make you happy during the Bush Administration,” tomorrow’s your lucky night, according to this frightening press release: “NEW YORK – Oct. 6, 2009 – Tomorrow night on MSNBC’s ‘Countdown,’ Keith Olbermann will present a Special Comment for the full hour on the need for and meaning of health care reform in the United States. ‘Health Care Reform: The ...
  same principle

Paultard Candidate: Don’t Call Me A Hero, But Basically What I’m Doing Is Akin To Singlehandedly Killing Every Nazi In WWII

Connecticut Senate candidate Peter Schiff, who (by default) fills the role of the “Holy Spirit” in the Paultards’ Trinity of masturbatory fever dream starring actors, gave a rather epic quote to the Washington Post in an interview yesterday: “I’m interrupting my career. It’s not like I want my new career in politics. But I’m willing to interrupt it the same way that somebody interrupted their career and joined World War II and went off to fight the ...