Restoring America With Monosyllabic Restaurants

Friday, November 5: By December, hopefully, the country will have healed and Emo Obama will be willing to get up off the White House couch and go eat hamburgers somewhere so Washingtonians can gawk at him. Who knows. Either...

Sarah Palin Celebrates Good ‘T’aint’

Is there an application we can install to automatically post a screengrab of Sarah Palin's Twitter and make an easy joke when she does stuff like this?

Election Shocker! Meghan McCain Got All Her Midterm Predictions Wrong

The greatest joy of our election-night liveblogging was the moment, in the wee hours of the morning, that we realized every prediction Meghan McCain had made in her little column about the midterms was incorrect. Then this came into...

Weeping-Eagle Erotica: Sad Sex Scenes = Freedom

Down in the dumps about the election? Looking for an escape from our National Jobs & Politics Sadness via the wonder of books? Do you crave Teabagger erotica about a small-town Texan sheriff who leads a dramatic...

Everyone In GOP Mad At Jim DeMint For Losing Senate

The Republican Party has taken a step back from their sweeping victory in America's ultimate, #1, super repudiation of big government to wonder why, in fact, they didn't take control of BOTH halves of our two-headed legislative branch; the...

Wonkette’s Exclusive Interview With English Satirist Chris Morris!

Our glamorous videographer and yoga lady Liz Glover writes: "My latest interview with World Famous British Comic, Chris Morris, whose film, FOUR LIONS, is being released on Friday." Here is a video of said interview:

Karl Rove’s Scary Stories Helped Electorate Realize Obama Is Muslim

Every media personality and hologram agrees: Barack Obama was not reelected. He lost the election, sorry, goodbye! But who won? The easy answer is "America," but don't be rude: give credit where credit's due! Scary Horror Stories won this...

Terrible Pollster Rasmussen Writes Today’s Dumbest Sentence

Scott Rasmussen and his polling firm have come under fire today for being absolutely terrible and nakedly partisan in their midterm polling, overestimating the performance of Republican candidates in about three-quarters of races. But that's okay! They have a...

Decrepit Muscle Actor Twitters About Obama, the ‘Manchurian Candidate’

About 35 years ago, a mentally challenged man named Sylvester Stallone somehow typed a movie screenplay and sold it. The movie was pretty good, and the role was also written for Stallone's "acting," as the story told of a...

John Kerry Tells Media Harry Reid ‘Isn’t Just Dracula’

"Harry Reid isn't just Dracula, he isn't just Lazarus, he's our leader and our whole caucus is thrilled that he's unbreakable and unbeatable," he said. Oh thanks, John Kerry -- we were worried Harry Reid had pigeonholed himself into the...

Bush Considered Running With Bill Frist In 2004, But Cheney Said No

Although Bush did not like Cheney's image as described by critics, accepting his resignation offer would help "demonstrate that I was in charge," he writes. Bush said he talked to aides about asking Republican Sen. Bill Frist to run with...

Tennessee Legislators Just Want To Hang Out With Their Blackface Pastors

Tennessee Republican Terri Lynn Weaver has SOMEHOW gotten into controversy by posting a photo of herself with her fat pastor dressed as a blackface Aunt Jemima, which you can see at left. What you can't see at left is...

Emo Obama Admits Defeat

President Obama made his big post-election press conference this afternoon, and it turns out he heard about that election thing that happened last night too. He said his party received "a shellacking," but that wasn't merely a quoted pun...

Awful Things Can Be Great Things Too, Sometimes

Hmm, so right now everyone is just devastated because that which we knew was going to happen actually happened, except somehow for Harry Reid. Progress is now in peril, everything is ruined, et cetera and so forth, but maybe...

Senate Candidates Who Received Fewer Votes Than Alvin Greene Yesterday

Presented without commentary, here are some of the Senate candidates who received fewer votes than Alvin Greene did yesterday, according to the most current AP numbers: Senator Harry Reid: 361,655 Senator-elect Mike Lee: 360,050 Alvin Greene: 358,069 Sharron Angle: 320,996 Senator Mike Crapo: 318,468 Senator-elect...

Carl Paladino Has a Baseball Bat: The Best of Last Night’s Coverage

What is going on with Bachmann in this video? Her face is just unnatural, for one, but God, is her whole point of going on with those cackling MSNBC bitters just so there will be a clip of her...

The Republican Gloat Bloat Machine Can’t Stop Belching

America's new national anthem serves as a delightful accompaniment to some hawt elephant p0rno.  Little Lord Fauntleroy would like to remind the filthy American colonists that this tea-shed election is really a victory for the Magna Carta. The...

Mike Pence Quickly Quits House Leadership To Run For President

THE WEEKLY STANDARAD has obtained a letter from Mike Pence, who is believed to be considering a presidential or gubernatorial run, informing his colleagues that he will not seek another term as chairman of the House Republican conference. "Now...

America’s Youth (Bristol Palin) Didn’t Vote Yesterday

Even though Bristol Palin was dancing in California on the television last night, she still should have sent in her ballot absentee, because voting is just what white rural folks do, and that's how their candidates win elections. But...

Obama Drunk Dials John Boehner

When the war is over, in the wee small hours, when your tie is loosened and you just want to have a cigarette and bullshit on the phone with another brother who likes his smokes, that's when you open...

Michael Bennet Edges Out Boy-Rancher Ken Buck In Colorado

Colorado's amiable, reasonable fellow Michael Bennet has won himself a full term in the Senate, according to The Denver Post, denying the Teabagger Caucus yet another member in the Senate. Ken Buck obviously gave his state a lot of...

Alaska Senate Race Going To Come Down To Alaska’s Spelling Skills

"Total Write-In" has defeated Joe Miller in Alaska, 41%-34%, with 98.6% reporting. So are we ready to declare facial hair dead in the Senate once again? Of course not. We have no idea how many of those 81,876 voters...

Kneeling Before Our New Orange Overlord (Day One)

All Hail John Boehner, America's newly crowned Orange Mikado! Blessings and peace be upon him, and may he bestow upon us a plentiful cigarette harvest, so that we may have cancer of the lungs and/or mouth, whatever. Yes, November...