World Eagerly Awaits Christmas Miracle of Dick Cheney’s Death

We don't believe in an interventionist god, so today's cheery eyewitness report of Dick Cheney being "enfeebled" at a death-war military contractor's holiday cocktail ritual does not make us believe we're all going to have a very merry Christmas....

What Can Vaclav Havel Do For You?

And now Vaclav Havel is dead. Absurdist playwright, passionate essayist, beer connoisseur, deep thinker about humankind’s place in the cosmos, non-violent fighter for human freedom and dignity, political prisoner of his country's totalitarian communist regime, and then the post-Velvet...

Major Investigation: Capitol Xmas Tree Lacks Jesus-Themed Ornaments

The Christian News Service has done a careful study of five of the five thousand donated ornaments on the Capitol Christmas Tree, and the findings are not pretty. Two out of these five ornaments were about Barack Obama, and...

America Faints Upon Sight of Barney Frank’s Hard Nipples

What, were people scandalized or something? SEXISTS, ALL OF THEM.

Texas College Republican Would So Get an ‘A’ in Racist Twitter Poetry

Aw, yet another awful tweet about Barack Obama from the second president of the U of Texas College Republicans in as many months. (The first one was from that other popular genre of Republican poetry, "assassination jokes.") The group's...

Serious Journalists Begin To Wonder: Is Ron Paul Racist? Is Sarah Palin Still Not Running?

NEW YORK—Good morning, Internet! Or not, actually, because we have to talk about the payroll tax cut again—and we're getting so tired of talking about the payroll tax cut. So very tired. But here we are! Because John Boehner,...

Rick Perry Loves the Gay Sinners, Still Feeling Conflicted About the Gay Sex

Famous Texas rodeo queen Rick Perry can't seem to get away from the "Rick Perry is a homosexual" rumors, maybe because of how he acts. Here's a report of a fun (?) encounter between Perry and some kind of...

Racist Teabagger Calls For Assassination of Entire Obama Family

They just don't come more charming than Southern California Tea Party knob and failed local politician Jules Manson, previously known for not being elected as a councilman for the City of Carson and also for posting Obama=Hitler pictures. Jules...

FLOTUS Proves Commitment to Military Families By Dating Marine

When Michelle Obama is bored from exercising with toddlers all day, she takes on her second hobby: supporting The Troops. After all, that is what her recent NASCAR horror and teevee appearance were all about. We thought she was...

Angsty House GOP Ends Year In Favor of Higher Taxes, To Be Emo

Well, this makes sense: John Boehner announced that House Republicans expect to vote down tonight a two-month payroll tax cut extension that passed 89-10 in the Senate, presumably to round out the year in teabagger obstructionism with a full-circle...

Holiday Deaths: Kim Jong Il, Payroll Tax Deal, Newt’s Frontrunner Status

NEW YORK—Well it was a rough weekend for the living. As the Internet continued grieving Friday's death of Christopher Hitchens, it lost yet another one of its beloved icons last night, as Dear Leader Kim Jong-il succumbed to a...

Newt Gingrich Wants America’s Judges Arrested, To Save Constitution

What astonishingly irrelevant non-issue is bloated gasbag Newt Gingrich chewing on lately to fart wind into the sails of far-right dingbats? Let's see... hang on one second, so Newt's puffy fingers can fight their way through his jacket pocket...

Sadness of Vaclav Havel’s Death Lightened By Kim Jong Il’s Death

Just as millions of decent people around the world were marking the death of revolutionary Czech philosopher/playwright (and former president) Vaclav Havel with the realization that it is very rare to actually mourn a public figure's death, North Korean...

70% of America ‘Dreading’ 2012 Presidential Campaign

Ha ha, here is a fun new study that proves everybody would basically like to trade the 2012 presidential election for, say, a massive asteroid strike: Gallup asked voters how jazzed they were for the Obama-Not Romney campaign year,...

Watch Ralph Nader (In 2008) Exactly Describe Barack Obama’s First Term

Uhm ... completely correct? Erm ... okay weeping in closet now.

Nobody Likes GOP Or Obama, So Third Party Hero Will Waste Nation’s Time

Republican candidates are all so awful that there's a new frontrunner every week. Barack Obama, meanwhile, seems dedicated to little more than enraging his own supporters while also doing nothing about the economy while also turning America into a...

Mississippi Mayor Outed After Visiting Gay Sex Shop With City Credit Card

Merry Dickcember, one and all! How has this week's garden-variety self-loathing closeted Republican politician managed to out himself? Ha ha, the headline sort of gives it away, but meet Greg Davis, the mayor of Southaven, Mississippi who went on...

Wal-Mart’s Billions and the Art Museum of Cruelty: A Christmas Carol

Here is a number we've seen bouncing around this week that really makes us want to fire up the old Yule Log, in the sense that the "Yule Log" is a tightly bound human centipede of the richest hundred...

Ohio Woman Says ‘Whites Only’ Pool Sign She Put Up Merely ‘Historical’

What are the racist loonballs up to in ...let's see, Ohio this time? Sure, why not give Arizona a quick break? Antiques-collecting landlord lady Jamie Hein of Cincinnati is apparently the sort of person who came to mind when...

Rick Perry’s Rumored Adventures In Gay Sex, Now in Book Form!

Biblehumper bozo barbie Rick Perry has been annoying everyone lately with his truly awful attempts to prove to the Jesus People contingent that he deserves to rule the country for his Tex-ass tuff talk on gays in the military,...

Bachmann Calls Life Beginning At Conception ‘Seminal Issue,’ Bad Man Calls Democrats ‘Nazis’

NEW YORK—The Iowa debate season wrapped up last night on Fox News, and pats on the back all around, because we survived, y'all! So there were winners last night. And there were also losers! But we don't know how...

Hitchens On Hacks

Christopher Hitchens is dead. His essays were feisty and elegant, well within the great tradition of combative English pamphleteering. He was usually provocative, often dazzling in his historical and literary allusions, and rarely boring. He only became a bore,...

Farewell, Hitch

Our favorite drink-soaked former Trotskyist popinjay passed away today after a well-publicized bout with esophageal cancer. Christopher Hitchens was 62 years old, which is kind of remarkable when you think about it. We will miss his haughty wit and...