Ha ha, no one will be buying credit-taker extraordinaire Jim Cramer a steak tonight after all, and Fat Fingers McGee will… who knows, get a bonus? The entire economy is fraud and comical nonsense: “Nasdaq Operations said it will cancel all trades executed between 2:40 p.m. to 3 p.m. showing a rise or fall of more than 60 percent from the last trade in that security at 2:40 p.m or immediately prior… Separately, the New York Stock Exchange also said that it will cancel all trades executed between 2:40 p.m. and 3 p.m. that were more than 60 percent away from their last print at 2:40 p.m.” Socialists. READ MORE »

SPECIES OF RETARDS  5:54 pm May 6, 2010

by Jim Newell

  • NO SRSLY LET THE MARKETS SELF-REGULATE! “Neanderthals mated with some modern humans after all and left their imprint in the human genome, a team of biologists has reported in the first detailed analysis of the Neanderthal genetic sequence.” This must be what’s spurring the Senate to make some good votes on financial reform amendments right now. Are we Neander-humans really ever capable of doing anything intelligent, though? [NYT, Washington Post]

There should be a Network-esque black comedy about this very moment on CNBC, immediately. The three-keys-wide fat finger of one monster at Citigroup sells off billions of shares of Procter & Gamble — part of the Dow index — just as Erin Burnett is deciding to talk about it, and then Jim Cramer says basically “oh shit someone should buy that,” and within 30 seconds we probably have a dozen or so newly-minted billionaires, but still no more “Europe” or jobs in general. [Business Insider]

DEATH & SADNESS  4:38 pm May 6, 2010

by Jim Newell

GLOBAL FINANCIAL SYSTEM OPERATING SMOOTHLY: Remember how the Dow dropped 700 points in fifteen minutes between 2 and 3 p.m. today, and then got back 500 of those points a few minutes later? Some dingbat computer went nuts or whatever: “NEW YORK (Reuters) – A trading error at a major firm was to blame for the day’s market plunge, CNBC reported on Thursday. Separately, Nasdaq said it was working with other major markets to review the market activity that occurred between 2:00 p.m. and 3:00 p.m.” Ha ha, yes, “trading error.” GREATEST SHORT SELL IN HISTORY! Everyone in America wins. UPDATE: Oh my god. Is this really allowed to happen? “According to multiple sources, a trader entered a ‘b’ for billion instead of an ‘m’ for million in a trade possibly involving Procter & Gamble, a component in the Dow.” He works for Citigroup. [Reuters]

Here is John Boehner accepting a Henry Hyde Defender of Life Award the other day for having had the fewest number of abortions of any man in history. It hasn’t been easy for him, wanting to have so many abortions but always refusing, and this is why he’s crying. He cries constantly, pretty much whenever he’s not screaming. READ MORE »

The Dow Jones plunged 8.8% at some point this afternoon, and was then down about 7%, and now it’s “only” down about 3.2% — that’s for the day, and not including the losses earlier this week — and it’s all because of Greece and the live video on the teevee of the Greek Darth Vader Cops and the protesters throwing shit and the burning banks full of corpses and this one crazy yellow dog pacing the invisible Maginot Line, barking at the cops, wagging its tail, etc. Craziness. Dow’s down 400 320 407 485 293 349 points at this moment. Let’s watch the video of the European Union crumbling before our eyes. READ MORE »

Here’s one of our great guiding angels from the Texas congressional delegation, John Culberson, the oppressed Iranian twitterer. He would like to show you his Science Project. READ MORE »

What a saucy idea!How’s the polling going over on the crime-ridden alcoholic colony known as the British Isles? Not too good! Here are some actual news reports from Queen Elizabeth’s version of CNN, “the Beeb,” about how nature/fate is treating the various sods running for election today:

  • Labour candidate Joe Benton “had the tip of his finger bitten off by what he claims was a pitbull terrier type dog while campaigning in his constituency.” Several chavs were arrested by bobbies. READ MORE »
NATION OF SEX MONSTERS  1:53 pm May 6, 2010

by Jim Newell

  • KEEP ELABORATING, THIS IS HOT! Harry Reid was so naughty when he said Republicans are “making love to Wall Street.” His spokesman, Jim Manley — official guest of Fox News at last weekend’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner — is ever naughtier, bringing good old fashioned rape-porn into the mix with his follow-up: “”What can I say — it’s true. Republicans are making love to Wall Street, while the people on Main Street are getting screwed.” Wall Street responded, “Oh come on, Main Street clearly wanted it, wearing that low-cut tank top and all.” [Huffington Post]

Baseball manager Bobby Cox of the Atlanta Braves is finally retiring at the end of this year, after winning so many baseball games. He came to Capitol Hill on Tuesday for a reception, with cake, thrown by Sens. Rockefeller and Isakson. (Rockefeller doesn’t even represent Georgia! He is just a Rockefeller and can do anything he wants.) But then the cake said “Cocks,” a funny word meaning penises or chickens. Bobby Cox was so personally offended that he murdered everyone in the entire United States Capitol, with his cock. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

Mother’s Day is really, really soon — it’s this Sunday, May 9! Hopefully you perused our handy Mother’s Day gift guide and already picked out the ideal thong to give your mom on this special day. But don’t stop there! The babymaker of your life deserves brunch at a nice restaurant too, doesn’t she? READ MORE »

I will be your father figure, put your tiny hand in mine.Family Research Council wingnut anti-homosexual crusader George Rekers only took that Rentboy.com male sex escort with him on a European Vacation to have some help carrying the luggage — even though the boy-toy just stood there while Rekers actually pushed the luggage cart. Besides, he always hires gay hookers to “lovingly share two types of messages to them, as I did with the young man called ‘Lucien’ in the news story.” READ MORE »

'If the spirit moves you, let me groove you good, Let your love come down, Oh, get it on, come on, baby.'
And now you know the dirty thoughts of an old Mormon senator from Nevada. [CNN via Wonkette sex researcher Monsieur Grumpe]

My name is Laika, I live on the second floor.Kirsan Ilyumzhinov is a multi-millionaire businessman, conservationist, head of the World Chess Federation, and current president of the Tibetan-style Buddhist/Russian Republic of Kalmykia on the northwest shore of the Caspian Sea. He also claims that he was abducted by space aliens. Naturally, a Russian MP wants Russian President Dmitry Medvedev to personally interrogate Ilyumzhinov about the alleged 1997 UFO abduction, because what if the space monsters got some kind of KGB secrets? READ MORE »

Britain's Got Cocks!Why do we care at all about the UK election taking place today? Aren’t the British to blame for our whole Tea Party problem? And didn’t those curry-spewing lobsterbacks burn down the White House that one time? Well, today we will let bygones be bygones, because the UK elections are really the only foreign politics we can cover without running everything through Google Translate. Plus, as a result of the US/UK “special relationship,” more than 90% of journalists in Washington and New York are British people. They “set the agenda,” which is the “posh spice” way of saying “Win the Morning.” READ MORE »