food/booze news!

The Alignment of the Stars Brings Food In Large Proportions

Wednesday, September 9: The day, the month, the year, it’s all the same — 9/9/09 for those of you playing along at home — and what a great gimmick opportunity this presents! Want pizza? Great, because it’s only $9 at Ellas Wood Fried Pizza. Want Beer? Rocket Bar is offering tons of specials on Magic Hat #9. Want to check out wax demons? Admission to Madame Tussauds is $9 today AND they’re staying open until 9PM. [Ella’s Wood Fired Pizza, Rocket Bar & ...
  heroes of the birther movement

Congresslady Jean Schmidt Secretly Agrees With The Birthers, Except This One Time By Mistake She *Publicly* Agreed With The Birthers

Everyone very warmly congratulate Jean Schmidt (R-OH), who has bravely and accidentally come out as a Birther. Lo! Observe as Jean Schmidt is accosted by a rabid blond female Birther wearing some kind of decorative traditional headdress of war. “Blah blah NOT dog whistle MY muslin president Hussein sdodfgifjsd states’ rights fake something Gerald Ford something something!” shrieks the Birther to Jean Schmidt, to which the latter replies: “I agree with you, but the ...
  getting shit done

Cheney Is Going To Go Ahead And Just Arrest All Britain’s Terrorists For Them

The British are terribly, terribly cross with America’s former Vice President Dick Cheney. The meddlesome Cheney somehow found himself all mixed up in counter-terrorism investigations over there! It seems he almost totally botched the UK’s arrest of three British guys who were plotting to blow up seven airliners headed for North America. Specifically, Cheney tried to have them arrested before they even bought plane tickets on the planes they were going to bomb. Ha ha! It’s ...
  oh boy

MARK FOLEY HAS A RADIO SHOW! YOU REMEMBER MARK FOLEY YES? Former Republican congressman and young male page-stroker Mark Foley has a new job, in this economy! Beginning September 22nd he will host his very own radio show out of North Palm Beach, Florida, called “Inside the Mind of Mark Foley.” So there’s that. [TPM]
  budgetary constraints... in space!

It’s Like Barack Obama Doesn’t Even Think Mars Is That Awesome

Back in spring, Obama set up a special advisory science panel of scientists to find out exactly how cool it would be for NASA to send astronauts into space, like to Mars maybe. The panel’s findings indicate that this would be “pretty fucking cool,” or “quite brilliant, really” in metric units. Fantastiche! NASA will now be needing $3 billion a year on top of the $18 billion a year it already gets so it can send a guy or a clever monkey with a touching and ...
  so messy!

Vulgar CA Assemblyman Caught On Open Mic Bragging About Various Affairs With Lobbyists

Republican Michael D. Duvall, a California state assemblyman representing Orange County, loves family values and ethics, and thus is a member of the Rules Committee. Another thing he loves is pussy. He enjoys telling his assembly buddies about all of the sweet, sweet non-wife trim he gets on the side, with lobbyist gals. Unfortunately, open mics sometimes catch these conversations. If you want to see what this 54-year-old has to say about cum, click the clicky!
  viable heath care alternatives

NO-FUN WSJ EDITORS APPEAR TO HAVE READ SARAH PALIN’S OP-ED BEFORE PUBLISHING IT. Here is Sarah Palin, writing about health care and “overquoting” “like” “she’s” “editing” “Zagat” in the Wall Street Journal. It is your pretty standard Palin fare, but the ratio of Reagan quotes to secular words is lower than one might have hoped for. [Wall Street Journal]
  daily briefing

Chris Dodd Has Zero Interest In Being Congress’ Honorary Requisite Kennedy

Tonight is Big Health Care Speech Night. History’s least cohesive gang, the Gang of Six, has until 10 am this morning to come up with ways to improve the bill and then it will be SET IN STONE until it is killed completely. [Washington Post] Yesterday the value of America’s currency, the dollar, hit a yearly low. There are many complicated numerical and Chinese reasons for this. [HuffPost] The UN will be investigating allegations of fraud in Afghanistan’s recent fraudulent ...
  wise latina owls

Oh, and Sonia Sotomayor Is Now a Supreme Court Justice

What with all the youth indoctrination and the video death panels and the actual Hitler plot to provide basic health care for working Americans, we almost forgot it was also Sonia Sotomayor’s fake first day on the nation’s highest court! No real work today, just a photo op, and here’s the touching photo! The only real question is WHAT THE HELL IS SCALIA UP TO? HE IS CREEPING US OUT. Maybe he’s just happy for real, because there’s finally another Italian on the ...
  rumors on the internets

I Saw Mommy Kissing Barack Obama Under The Mistletoe Last Ramadan

Human Rights Watch is staffed by a bunch of dirty Plushophiliacs who break out the Jergens lotion every time Israel is attacked with pebbles and Estes rockets. [Commentary Magazine] Karl Rove is deeply concerned that America’s impressionable youth will forget to leave milk and cookies for Barack Obama on Ramadan. [Think Progress] Cantankerous wingnut lady dares Democratic congressman to “pull her finger” as “down payment on this health care plan.”[TPM] Joseph ...
  czar of losers

The Politico Discovers Some Major News Thing Called The ‘Czar Revolt’

Now. What does this headline even mean? Politico invented a list of 31 “czars” in the Obama administration, and then decided that this is a huge problem for the White House, having these 31 czars. There was such a revolt against czars that Van Jones had to be fired, for being one of the czars! This is the current hottest story in politics, maybe ever, did you know?
  yes they will

Will Conservatives Adopt ‘Teabagger’ As Their ‘N-Word’?

Linguistic smart-person Jay Nordlinger of National Review‘s The Corner — the #1 Internet blog — sees the future, of words, in a post today: “It could be that conservatives will ‘own the insult’ and use ‘teabagger’ as a badge of honor. It could become some proud conservative N-word. President Reagan said, ‘I’m a contra, too.’ Well, I’m a teabagger too — and the Anderson Cooper types can [go jump in a lake]. Still, I find ...
  'because in the youtube age'

Obama Tells Kids That Facebook Is Terrible

For this post we shall refer to that old axiom by the famous scholar, Jesus X. Christ: Before the socialist speech there came the socialist discussion, during which socialism was Made. This was the case today, when Barack Obama held a secret session with the children of Wakeview High School in Arlington, Virginia, to talk about how dumb they all are, before addressing the nation on the same topic. It was there that he gave the students the most important career advice available in this day ...
  republicans in the news

Vulgar Florida GOP Chair Made Obama Give Non-Socialist Education Speech, You See

Here is insane Florida death-monster Jim Greer, the famous state Republican party chair who last week shouted these important words, at America: “The idea that school children across our nation will be forced to watch the President justify his plans for government-run care, banks, and automobile companies, increasing taxes on those who create jobs, and racking up more debt than any other President, is not only infuriating, but goes against beliefs of the majority of Americans, while ...
  meet your new heroes

This New Slob Will Save America From ObamaCare, Tomorrow

Some Charles Boustany news, everyone! Surely you know about Charles Boustany? He is a Republican congressman from Louisiana — no, not the Vietnamese one — who is also a Doctor, a Surgeon. And according to Beltway politics insider person George Stephanopoulos, Boustany will deliver the GOP response to Obama’s big speech tomorrow night! But how powerful can this response be, when Boustany himself loves Death Panels? [ABC News]
  politely changing the subject

Obama Is Just As Bored With All This Policy-y Health Care Whatever As Everyone Else

The health care debate’s fifteen minutes are finally, finally up. Ugh, do you even remember all that? Anyway, Obama will now solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, America’s original synonym for “unable to be fixed with one swift gesture.” Obama’s (alleged!) new peace plan includes TEN swift gestures, which he will (allegedly!) present at a peace conference in Egypt at the end of the month. This does not leave much time for every person on Earth to begin ...
  politely changing the subject

Homoeroticism On Display!

Why is our Savior donning a football jersey? In between firing black people and brainwashing children, even he knows that the end of summer means the start of football season. College football began this past weekend and the NFL starts sometime soonish too.  Thus, you will need bars, bars with MULTIPLE TEEVEES (in high definition, of course) where you can watch all this joyful gayness, and so we give you sports bars:

The Least America Could Do Is Wish Mark Sanford Luck On His “Secret-Agent Mission”

Hey remember Mark Sanford’s affair? Well, Mark Sanford certainly does, and he would like to take this opportunity to implore you to just GET OVER IT. In fact, he will be publicly reminding everyone of his own Argentinian extramarital sparkin’ thing until America decides to just grow up and forget it already. But you know, while we’re on the subject of Mark Sanford, Mark Sanford has a few ideas about some helpful metaphors everyone can use in dealing with this whole ...

IMPORTANT DECISIONS: Your editors will NOT be liveblogging this education speech at noon, because it will simply be the president telling kids that education is important, and while that is wrong, there is no sort of controversy or news or anything of any interest to be found here. We would rather liveblog the cloud formations changing. The wingnuts have a problem with THAT, too. [White House]
  today in death

Orgy Of Neocons (And Sarah Palin!) Write To Obama, Asking For More War In Afghanistan

As Afghanistan’s war-loving General McChrystal prepares to ask for more troops at the end of the month, will he get them, or will Obama be a massive vagina and say no fuck you? Bill Kristol, for one, thinks there ought be more troops! The Foreign Policy Initiative, Kristol’s new iteration of the famous Project for the New American Century, has gone back to its 90s-style out-of-power activist method of advocating for more newer wars: writing letters to the president about bombing ...

Beautiful Young Correspondent Meg McCabe Will Interview Rod Blagojevich On The View!

On Wednesday and Thursday the Internet’s First Daughter, Meghan McCain, will be appearing on The View, America’s most threatening daytime pastiche! She will be filling in for one of the ladies, the Elizabeth one, who plays an uninformed blond conservative named “Elizabeth.” It will be the greatest performance of young Meg’s blossoming guest-hosting/role modeling/media criticism/blog/Tina Brown/Twitter/The Hills/boys!!/punditry career. She will obviously be ...
  nice chain-smoking ladies

Laura Bush Loves Socialism Again

In the early 1800s, a nice nerdy Democrat gal named Laura “Matt” Welch was attending a “common backyard barbecue” in Texas when this drunk slob, George W. Bush, started grabbing her boobs and vomiting all over her. Bush made Ms. Welch become a Republican, if she wanted in on the family money, and this arrangement worked out alright until just now, when Laura Bush said a nice thing or two about Barack Obama and his commie speech to the schoolchildren.