2009 elections!

Virginia Governor’s Race Still Terrible

The Virginia governor’s race is heating up, and… oh look, Creigh Deeds is still getting his ass kicked. What to do now? Maybe just start acting like the Republican candidate, since the Republican one is doing so well! Here are a bunch of “real Americans” telling us such things as: “I know Creigh Deeds, and he opposes that cap-and-trade bill.” That devil-bill. [Ben Smith]
  2010 nobel prize winner

JOHN KERRY IS SO DIPLOMATIC, HE SHOULD BE SECRETARY OF STATE!: When a reporter suggested that he had become the “de facto secretary of state,” Kerry grew flustered, sputtering, “I don’t want — you know, I don’t even — I don’t think that’s appropriate, de facto, whatever, whatever.” [Washington Post]
  ostensibly about foreign policy

Frank Gaffney Knew Ronald Reagan, Sir, And Ronald Reagan Would HATE This Other Ron Reagan

A TAWDRY WORDFIGHT erupted yesterday on the Chris Matthews program between Frank Gaffney, some shouty, mid-level hawk, and Ronald Reagan’s son, Ron Reagan. “Do you want the Taliban to be Afghanistan’s government?? Taliban, Ron,” Gaffney screams at Reagan, who’s like, “…” Then Reagan essentially tells Frank Gaffney that he and all his stupid arguments are red herrings, like red herrings in a barrel that you shoot easily. And then, THEN, ...
  daily briefing

So That Commercial Jet With Unresponsive Pilots Flying Right Past The Airport? Worst Deja Vu Ever Basically

Unpopular elected official Harry Reid is just all about including the public option on the new health care bill. [New York Times] John Kerry is so busy and fulfilled chairing the Senate Foreign Relations Committee that he totally doesn’t even have time to think about 2004. [Washington Post] A team of pilots flying a commercial airliner overshot their destination, the Minneapolis airport, by 150 miles yesterday. The FAA first blamed terrorism but is now blaming sleep, the terrorism of ...
  openings!

That Would Be Beer. Lots And Lots of Beer.

Some very nice fellows seemed to think that D.C. was at a loss because it didn’t have a beer palace, so they opened two beer-topias in one, Birch & Barley and ChurchKey. The result? 555 beers, which breaks down to 500 bottles of beer, 50 beers on tap, and 5 cask-conditioned beers.
  annals of new media

Newt Gingrich Holding War Reenactment On Twitter, Whatever That Means

We don’t even want to know the mechanics of this: “Washington, DC – To celebrate the launch of Newt Gingrich (@newtgingrich) and Bill Forstchen’s new book, To Try Men’s Souls, about the Christmas Night 1776 crossing of the Delaware River and attack on the Hessians stationed in Trenton, NJ, St. Martin’s Press and Gingrich Communications are excited to announce the first ever twitter reenactment of the crossing!” Intern Riley will be liveblogging this on Sunday! Yes, Riley, ...
  the internet finds a way

Pay Insane Amount Of Money To Send Partisan Piece Of Paper To Congress!

Someone has just informed your Wonkette of the latest terrible web site, “SEND CONGRESS A PINK SLIP.” You can get the organization behind this effort to send a piece of paper to members of Congress threatening to vote against them in 2010 if they vote for “Government Health Care,” “Cap & Trade,” “‘Hate Crimes'” or, the best of all, “Any More Spending.” The prototypical pink slip threatens, “If you vote for ANY of ...
  this person!

MARY LANDRIEU! OH COME ON MARY: “Opining on the polls showing support for public option, she said it was all about the phrasing of the question. ‘I think if you asked, “Do you want a public option but it would force the government to go bankrupt,” people would say “No,”‘ she said.” ITTTT SAVVVVVVES MUNNNNNIIIIIEEEEEEE. IIIIINNNN THHHHHEEEE CCCCBBBOOOO REEEEPPPOOORRRTTTT. Anyway, it looks like they’re throwing in an opt-out public option, ...
  take the civility pledge

Robert Gibbs Now Using ‘Chicago-Style Politics’ To Marginalize Dick Cheney

Robert Gibbs, being more Nixonian than the square of Richard Nixon: “What Vice President Cheney calls ‘dithering,’ President Obama calls his solemn responsibility to the men and women in uniform and the American public. I think we’ve all seen what happens when somebody doesn’t take that responsibility seriously.” SIR that is a former crypto-President of the United States of whom you speak! Is this really appropriate, to play hardball with a belligerent ...
  liars

Mary Landrieu Would Like To Reiterate That She Is Pro-Business. She Loves It!

Sen. Mary Landrieu, a terrible person: “I think when people hear ‘public option’ they hear ‘free health care.’ Everybody wants free health care. Everybody wants health care they don’t have to pay for. The problem is, is that we in governments and business have to pick up the tab and as individuals. So I’m not at all surprised that the public option’s been sold as free health care. But there is no free lunch.” GOODNESS.
  the externalities of walnuts!

McCain Loss Killed Numerous Boners On Election Night

Did any of you evil men impregnate a lady on election night? Then you probably voted for Barack Obama! (It’s a real “win-win” situation, too, because this would mean you, the liberal, were able to make the lady get an abortion — and not take care of some baby!)
  besides catholic jesus

MARK SANFORD IS MOST FAMOUS PERSON IN SOUTH AMERICA: Here’s a fun story about how embarrassing South Carolina is, on a global scale: “He was in Peru, on a train from Cusco to Machu Picchu, when he and his wife began chatting with another couple. Where, Harpootlian asked, are you from? Rio, came the response, and you? South Carolina, Harpootlian replied. Mark Sanford! the couple exclaimed. Argentina!” [LA Times]
  awful people

Obama-Nixon’s ‘Enemy’ Acknowledges Being A Very Active Enemy

We all know that Barack Obama, who is actually Richard Nixon, likes to speak out against certain practices of the health insurance industry solely because Rahm Emanuel wrote “GRRR INSURANCE GRRR!”, in his self-loathing Jew blood, atop the official White House Enemies List, and Obama must obey this list. What “Chicago-style politicians” these guys are, speaking out against private capitalism business people, just trying to make a buck!
  wagg the bog

Newt Gingrich Highly Recommends Newt Gingrich’s New Treatise, And Donald Trump Wants His Tits Back

Good gravy, the GAZONGA COLLECTORS are after former California Biddie of the Year CARRIE PREJEAN! Poor Carrie signed a six-month lease on her enormous ta-ta job, but now she doesn’t want to make the monthly payments because seriously, what is DONALD TRUMP going to do, repossess her boobs? Like the Good Book says, The Trump giveth and The Trump taketh away …
  i had this friend his name was marc with a c

Fox News Analyst Found Out He Was Fired Via Google Alert

Behold the bathetic tragedy of (former!) Fox News liberal-ish analyst Marc Lamont Hill, who found out that he had been fired via Google Alert. How nightmarish! So last week at some Fox shareholders meeting, someone asked Rupert Murdoch why this Marc Lamont Hill loves nothing more than when cops are killed. Puzzled, Murdoch knew not! “Oh… ha. Marc. Yeah he’s… fired. Marc is fired,” “said” Murdoch. Thing is: Marc had not been fired—in the sense that ...
  sticks and stones

Dick Cheney Teases Obama With Hilarious Old Man Verbs

So Dick Cheney told Obama to stop “dithering”! Haha, oh, right! Yes, he’ll get right on that… ceasing to dither. This is a hilarious and formidable old man insult used to express one’s displeasure with the lack of bombs and troops and guns and bombs and shit currently being sent to Afghanistan. “Having announced his Afghanistan strategy last March, President Obama now seems afraid to make a decision, and unable to provide his commander on the ground with ...
  actually raging against the machine

Trent Reznor’s Like Soo Upset That His Music Doesn’t Square With The UN Convention Against Torture

The worst bands on Earth are very offended that their music has been played at Gitmo as part of actual torture, which, legally-speaking, is somehow different than being playing in your stupid brother’s car like constantly. All your favorites—Trent Reznor, Billy Bragg, Tom Morello, etc. etc.—have joined the National Campaign to Close Guantanamo, some sort of Traveling Wilburys-like superband. “Guantanamo may be Dick Cheney’s idea of America, but it’s not mine. The ...
  daily briefing

Duh: Most People Are Not Really Concerned Enough About Swine Flu To Actually Go Get A Flu Shot

Obama is demanding that the companies that received the most bailout money pay their highest-earning employees 10% of what they normally do. [New York Times] Oh here’s something new: everyone is worried about getting sick but is too lazy and/or too terrified to actually get a flu shot. [Washington Post] The weird Jett Travolta/Bahamas were not really so fun that one time/extortion case has been declared a mistrial. [CNN] Terrorists fired mortars at an airport in Somalia in hopes of ...
  america's greatest non-website platform

Meanwhile, At GOP.com, Some New Terrible Thing

Looks like the RNC is still trying to give this “Internet” thing a go: “With an ever-increasing number of Czar appointments by President Obama, it has become clear that no position is too absurd. In an effort to assist in adding another cumbersome bureaucratic layer to government and to help properly ensure the basic human right of friendship to all Americans, a new Friendship Fairness Czar has recently been appointed. Tasked with the daunting responsibility of making sure ...