Contraceptive-Based Mass Murder of American Poors Nearing Completion

Good news, everyone: free birth control will be rolling out across America to axe murder the underprivileged in their cardboard shacks while they sleep, very soon. The Institute of Medicine recommended insurance companies eliminate charges for birth control, a...

Record Deportations Result In Victory For Traffic Safety

One would think that Barack Obama, illegal Kenyan anchor baby that he is, would have special place in his heart for all the other people who live in this country even though they are not allowed. WRONG! “The Obama...

Arizona Wingnuts Outraged To Hear Muslin Word Being Used On Teevee

Arizona's fearful wingnut hordes are used to hearing many words they do not understand coming out of the teevee, but their finely tuned hate sensors picked up on one of those incomprehensible sounds recently because it had sort of...

Twitter Is the Official Office Of The Tea Party

Some terribly unfortunate students at the University of Michigan had to spend a semester scratching their eyes out in front of a screen, counting the millions of times Tea Party people have taken creative license with the English language...

Mismatched Youths Attempt to Glitter Bomb Marcus Bachmann

Once upon a time, in America, there were sit-ins and boycotts and hippies getting it on in the back of vans, and this is how we attempted to achieve justice. But it is 2011 now, and young activists require...

‘Spenditol’ Wingnut Comedy Ad Just Mocks Everyone With Debt Problems

What does an Asian lady fake-playing the cello have in common with the federal government? They are both drug addicts with financial problems! That is your comedy premise for this hi-larious new "parody ad" from conservative ladies' luncheon interest...

Goodbye Forever To America’s Dreams of Space Travel (and Everything Else)

America's half-century of manned spaceflight came to a crashing end (actually a safe landing) today as the space shuttle Atlantis completed the final flight of the entire NASA program. In a nation that refuses to care for its sick...

Rick Santorum Cancels His Family’s Summer So They Can Campaign For Him

Rick Santorum is dragging his sizable brood to go live in Iowa for the rest of the summer and run his campaign, because "children are free labor." Why else would God have given Rick seven kids? God is more...

Everyone Who Calls Allen West Sexist Is Just a Racist

Hohboy these liberals, their racism knows no bounds: Allen West is furious, just furious (his only waking state), that he is not allowed to send even one demented misogynistic screed to a House female without everyone on the Left...

Rick Scott Busy Sexing Floridians With Robocalls And Ethics Violations

Oh, don't we just love to pick on hairless dingus Rick Scott, because he is officially America's most disliked governor, his constituents are constantly suing him for passing laws no one likes, he's kind of "eh" about keeping track...

Superhero Al Franken Uses Literacy To Prove Homophobes Are Idiots

Here is Senator Al Franken questioning Thomas Minnery of gay-bashing church club Focus on the Family about the group's assertion that children fare better in households with heterosexual parents. Team Homophobia knows this is an obvious conclusion, so obvious...

Grandma Palin Strikes Again, Knocks Up Newest Family Member

There must be something in that Alaska soil that makes the young women there so fertile, at least the young women who spend a lot of time getting hammered and doing it, in said soil. America weeps this evening,...

Wannabe Prez McCotter Reveals Five Principles of Nonsense

Unloved reject Thaddeus McCotter is still, for some reason, trying to become president in 2012. He thought he was being super cool, revealing his plans at a “rock festival in Michigan,” also known as the Romeo Area Tea Party...

Tea What Party Just Twitter Happened Debate There

Trying to read through all the Tea Party presidential Twitter debateporn is possibly the closest thing your Wonkette has ever had to a seizure. Congratulations to anyone who managed to wade through that "Chicago 1967" blizzard of stupidity without...

Tea Party Presidential Twitter Debate: Watch The Clowns Hump Each Other

// We will post some favorites soon. No one has missed anything; it took 30 minutes to get through introductions.

Tea Party Nation Sued For Dodging $640,000 Las Vegas Casino Bill

Would you bet over half a million dollars that a few hundred people would be willing to exchange actual currency for the chance to watch defunct hollering person Sharron Angle share makeup tips at a schmaltzy Las Vegas gambling...

Confederate Memorial Is Lone Alabama State Park To Avoid Funding Cuts

It is hard times, hard choices in Alabama, where legislators have been forced like in many other states to slash funding for their state parks and historical monuments because of priorities, etc. "But who will think of the trees...

ABC News Reporter Relates Evil ‘Mafia’ Tactics of Bachmann Security Team

It is basically Tahrir Square out there for the brave media just trying to report on Michele Bachmann these days. ABC News humanoid Brian Ross chased down Bachmann in a parking lot to repeatedly yell questions at her about...

Allen West Shall Not Endeavor To Respect A Female That Speak Ill of Him

OH THE WIMMINS, they are oft distasteful to the manhood of olde Allen West, when they doth speak in their loud voices. Offered prayer he has, mightily, that Females should find fit to lower their shrieks and guard silence!...

Gross Rick Santorum Says “Make It Hurt,” For the Kids

Oversized fetus Rick Santorum is basically poverty-stricken right now (or maybe not, if he has a television) and is now grabbing microphones all over New Hampshire, begging for money. Practically no one is voting for him and he has...

Arkansas City Council Outlaws Public Meetings, Other Councils

The City Council in Gould, Arkansas is going the "miniature Kremlin" route so favored these days for coping with public criticism and decided to make it "illegal to form any kind of group without its permission," because it's not...

Heritage Foundation Guy: You Don’t Count As ‘Poor’ If You Own A TV

Over 40 million Americans live below the federal poverty line, defined in 2011 as $22,058 a year for a family of four, which is sort of an embarrassingly large percentage of dirty hobo children to have running around in...

UPDATE: Now With Slow-Motion Video of Murdoch Pie Throwing Dude

Here, let us all have an Important Debate over whether this flannel-clad "Jonnie Marbles" character who attempted to pie Rupert Murdoch during Parliament's hacking inquiry is the last True Hero in the dying human civilization project known briefly as...