Obamacare Will Offer $1 Abortions, Say Crazy People

Aren't we lucky, dear Wonketteers? Obamacare hasn't even darkened the Supreme Court's doorstep (where, pro-tip, it will be voted down by the resident well-insured and sinecured octogenarians), and already opponents are rushing to instill fear into the hearts of...

Tough Guy War Criminal Dick Cheney Terrified of Visiting Canada

Undead goblin king Dick Cheney dedicated his thousand year shadow reign of darkness to murdering and torturing the people of Iraq in order to make Dick Cheney feel safer, but it turns out he may have picked the wrong...

Utah Makes Alarming Pivot to ‘Dirty Hippie,’ Wants Veto of ‘Don’t Say Sex’ Sex Ed Bill

As Utah goes, so goes ... well, not that many other states really. Bit of an outlier, that one, with their 35 percent 2008 Bammerz vote, and their million wives each, and their habit of actually paying for porn....

Georgia Lawmaker Compares Women to Pigs and Cows for Glory of Still-Born Motherhood

Georgia State Representative Terry England is a person who would like abortions and related procedures to be made illegal after 20 weeks, even if the fetus is known to be stillborn or is not expected to survive past birth....

Very Impolite Newt Gingrich: Mitt Romney Is a ‘Dead Loser’

It seems someone has not read nor taken to heart the new Wonkette Rules for Commenting Radicals, in which it is very clearly established that civil Americans do not wish or ideate on the death of others, hmmmmm? “RomneyCare is...

Totally Non-Shocking Poll Results: Americans A-Okay With Denying Sluts Birth Control

Was your day going a little too well until now? Were the birds annoying you with their musical chirps, and the sun just cold pissing you off with its warming rays? Then you will want to take a look...

Washington Post Columnist Richard Cohen Calls Sarah Palin and Entire GOP Stupid Ignorant Liar

You guys, I'm worried about Richard Cohen. You used to be able to count on the man to bring his A-game to vapid columns of wishy-washy meh. But last week, he urinated on Ghost Andrew Breitbart, and now he's...

New Hanover County, NC, Wants a Piece of That Popular ‘Womyn Are Slutty’ Act

Good morning, New Hanover County, North Carolina! How's things? Oh you got a $9,000 grant for womyn's health, no strings (or matching funds) attached? HOW NICE FOR YOU! That must come in handy these days, with the budget situations...

Bachmannite Provocateur Is Preacher Heavy Metal Rap Artist In Iowa Assembly Gone Awry

When Dunkerton Community Schools in Iowa paid a reported $1500 to Minnesota-preacher-man-band "Junkyard Prophet," the money was supposed to buy a high school assembly against bullying and for making good choices. And did it ever! Namely, it gave them...

Kathryn Jean Lopez Simply Does Not Care for Louis C.K., ‘Women’

There has been such a dearth of commentary -- a gaping hole, really -- from both left and right about the Health and Human Services' birth control coverage mandate. National Review's Kathryn Jean Lopez will now fill the hole!...

Unteachable Mitt Romney Talks About His Owner Friends In Other Sports

A reporter asked Mitt Romney today where he thought free agent Peyton Manning should play football next season. Ahh, there's a nice birthday softball question for ya! All he had to say was that he's a Patriots fan, so...

We Must All Pray To Allah For A Gingrich-Perry Dream Ticket

Fox News' Carl Cameron reported an EXCLUSIVE (MUST CREDIT DERRICK BELL) story yesterday about the possibility of Newt Gingrich "forming a predetermined ticket with Perry will unite the evangelical, Tea Party and very conservative voters" and allow them...

Preacher/Heavy Metal Rap Artist Bullies Kids At Iowa Assembly On Bullying

Well, this isn't going over well in Dunkerton, Iowa. Minnesota preacher-man-band "Junkyard Prophet" was supposed to perform at a high school assembly against bullying and for making good choices. Good choices, apparently, like telling gay kids they would burn...

Rick Santorum: Make Teleprompters ‘Illegal’ On The Campaign Trail

Family piggybank smasher Rick Santorum has tried it all in his vanity presidential campaign, from constantly insulting gays to constantly insulting women, but victory just doesn't seem to be in the stars for this comically ousted Senator from last...

Nixon Library Exhibits Disgraced Dead President’s Mushy Love Tripe To His Bride

Hey fellas! Are you trying to get that special lady to let you and only you into her moistened drawers, but the only instruction you've got so far is from "Mystery" telling you to "neg" her (insult her to...

Feminazis’ Open Letter To Rush Provokes 70s-Style Conservative Backlash

Scientists may someday discover the parasite that manipulates conservative brains into vomiting up punchlines from '70s-era "The Lighter Side Of...." cartoons whenever the word "feminist" is mentioned within a 400-yard radius. (You'll know we're close to a cure when...

Fat Teevee Fathead Simply Does Not Care For Obama’s Names

Check out what Mitt Romney's most beloved fluffer and robocaller, cartoon television capitalist Donald Trump, had to say about "weird" names today. When I was 18, people called me Donald Trump. When he was 18, @BarackObama was Barry Soweto....

God: Romney Is ‘Accursed,’ Santorum Will Save Economy With Christianity

According to some utterer named Steven Andrew, God has spoken through a man with two first names, and it is time for Christians to unite behind Rick Santorum, because his Christ-inanity will fix the economy, and Mitt Romney is...

Poll Shocker: Mississippi, Alabama Voters Not Very Bright

"Evolution is hogwash" will be the winner of Tuesday's Mississippi Republican primary, followed by "Barack Obama is so a secret Muslim" according to this exciting new PPP survey. Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum will all run a...

Chuck Grassley Learns Devastating Truth About The History Channel

Oh, dear. Grampa Cornpants is experiencing the senior's equivalent of discovering there's no Santa Claus: Learning that the History Channel is just a bunch of alien Nazi sweepstakes porn that instantly lobotomizes the viewer. Oh god, now Grassley's communications...

GOP Primary/America Over: Jeff Foxworthy Endorses Mitt Romney

How hard do you think executive human Mitt Romney will sweep the Deep South now that he has the solemnly tweeted endorsement of Jeff Foxworthy? Is there a better way to win over voters in the now crucially crucial...

Obama Re-Reminds Nation He Totally Singlehandedly Murdered Bin Laden

With liberal amounts of Paris Hilton SexTape Night Vision, slo-mo closeups of the same three War Room pictures we have seen four million times, and a voiceover that specifically lauds President Obama's bravery in flying to Pakistan and karate-chopping...

Noted Economist Chuck Norris Explains Obama’s ‘Schemes’ To Double Gas Prices

LISTEN UP PANSIES! WingNutDaily star columnist and ultimate macho Chuck Norris would like you to know a few things! President Barack Obama’s energy plan involves radically increasing gas prices to the European rate of $9-10 a gallon. And...