emergency wonk'd

George W. Bush Spotted From Shadows, At Baseball Game

Wonkette operative “Miriam H.” sends us this historic photo of our nation’s greatest president, George W. Bush, at a Texas baseball game today, where he threw out the first pitch. He is looking east at Mecca because it is that time of day. This is the closest a Wonkette ...
  america's nut

UPDATE: Michele Bachmann Does More Crazy Stuff

This woman, again! Paranoid imbecile and Minnesota baby-farmer Michele Bachmann has done the following things since we last wrote about her, probably a few days ago: She opposes foreclosure relief, even though her poor dumb district is, obviously, the hardest-hit part of Minnesota. Way to teach ...
  racism

DAVID PATERSON IS FINISHED: New York Gov. David Paterson, whose reign started about a year ago in that very auspicious first week when he admitted to cheating on his wife and doing coke all the time, is trailing New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo 61-18 (!) in a theoretical gubernatorial ...
  the war at home

Violent Footage Of Local Pillow Biter Fight

If you have not checked out Intern Elizabeth’s terrifying images of hipster violence on the National Mall over the weekend, during the Cherry Blossom Festival, you should do that. Here is a high-resolution film of the event, in which perfectly good goose feather pillows were destroyed ...
  the horror you've witnessed

Screw the Cherry Blossoms, Here’s the Pillow Fight

There were a LOT of things happening on our National Mall this weekend, most of which involved masses of people erratically circling trees or hot dog stands or monuments, pausing briefly to bump into you, and then moving on to annoy someone else. As frustrating as it was trying to beat even a ...
  cold firin' rockets

North Korean Media Is Hilarious

Over the weekend, North Korea pwned the capitalists by launching its dumb rocket over Japan and around the sea. After about 2,000 miles it crashed in the water, the end. American officials determined that it was one of Kim Jong Il’s famous Taepodong-2 missiles, which are not quite at ...
  making history in turkey

Barack Obama Is Terrified Of Muslim Cannons

Barack Obama finally made good on his pledge to visit a Muslim Country within the first 100 days of his presidency by visiting TURKEY, a.k.a. “The Obvious Cop-Out Of A Muslim Country.” Besides it’s a secular country that just has a lot of Muslims in it. In other words IMPEACH ...
  john sweeney/diana palin 2012

World’s Drunkest Ex-Congressman Arrested Again!

Former Congressman John “Slappy” Sweeney of the famous New York 20th District, who lost his seat in 2006 after beating up his wife and getting wasted at frat parties, got another god damn DWI over the weekend, his second in eighteen months. It is not clear whether he had a local ...
  daily briefing

Satellite of Love

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford has finally united Democrats and Republicans: They all think he’s an ass. And yes, he’s taking the bailout money, the communist. [ABC News] Meanwhile, new-world-order hero Barack Obama is just flying around Europe, promising to end nuclear rockets or ...
  from our own correspondent

Obama In Prague: A Pointlessly Detailed Account

Barack Obama went to this little country, the Czech Republic! Wonkette’s correspondent Rob McLean is there, and spent many hours in an actual castle in Prague, where the Wizard lives, waiting for the famous guest from the United States to appear. “Some very disrespectful Czech girls ...
  nation of horror

Our Nation’s Murder-Suicide Spree

Jesus christ, this whole country is drowning in its own blood. We take a day off — the Sabbath — and there are another half-dozen gruesome murders or murder-suicides. Cops and the families of the killers seem to be particularly common targets. We don’t recall Homicidal Frenzy ...
  for shame

THESE OBAMAS MUST RESPECT OUR QUEEN: “The president’s presumptuousness most certainly did not stop with the poison gift of the I-pod. Instead of holding tape recordings of quality music from Great Britain, rumor has it this device was filled with 30 gigabytes (or, a half ...
  secret communists

WOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW: OOH LOOKY HERE, the deadline for governors to accept stimulus funds is today, and the last three holdouts in the country — Bobby Jindal, Sarah Palin and even Mark “Queen Welfare Queen” Sanford — have decided to accept allllllllllll of their allotted ...