You may have seen the cover of this morning’s Examiner while you were ignoring it and picking up Express instead. The news is very shocking. The Caps took 50+ shots on that friggin’ Montreal team, but only one goal? Jesus Christ… READ MORE »

CAN'T WAIT TO GET THIS ON THE IPAD  12:47 pm April 27, 2010

by Ken Layne

Actual scene from Glenn Beck's book on the iPad.GLENN BECK’S NEW ‘NOVEL’ JUST WIKIPEDIA SUMMARY OF 2001-2010: “An unprecedented attack on U.S. soil shakes the country to the core and puts into motion a frightening plan, decades in the making, to transform America and demonize all those who stand in the way. Amidst the chaos, many don’t know the difference between conspiracy theory and conspiracy fact — or, more importantly, which side to fight for.” The frightening plan, of course, was the insidious injection of super-commie gay-muslin poop-eater Glenn Beck into Poor White America’s talk-radio/Fox News corn-syrup drip. [Gawker]

Hello, Satan!How beloved Nazi Pope Joseph Ratzinger handled two Austrian bishops and their various sex crimes back in the 1980s is apparently a “Rorschach test,” in that those slavish followers of the Evil Pontiff say (in German) that he did “pretty great” by encouraging the promotion of one relentless child-fucker over another bishop who is only accused of hiding an immense stash of priest-on-priest sexytime pictures and child pornography, while others describe these powerful Vatican officials raping children as “wrong.” READ MORE »

Material girl.Nancy Pelosi called a little press conference the other day, to show off some “energy-saving” light fixtures recently installed in one of the House lunchrooms. These fancy new lights are tricked out with motion sensors and sunlight-controlled window shades, and will reduce the government’s light bill by at least $41 dollars over the next decade, as long as everyone remembers to please turn them off upon leaving the room. But these things also cost America’s taxed-to-death hobos $140,000, prompting patriot-bloggers to action. Now U.S. House Rep. John Campbell of California is also doing something about the irresponsible spendthrift Nancy Pelosi by having his staffers post his press release on TheHill.com, America’s favorite blog. READ MORE »

Stacks of green paper in his red, right hand.Serious professor Barack Obama stepped outside his White Castle just now to praise his new “Fiscal Commission,” which will use a bipartisan method to mathematically prove America is bankrupt and that Goldman Sachs is a front for an Alien Monster hedge fund, which is exactly what Stephen Hawking and Nouriel Roubini warned us about. That problem solved — anything reduced to a Senate hearing is now officially “solved” — he is off to Iowa to run in the 2008 Democratic Primary. [Sun-Times]

Star and Shamrock isn’t your bubbie’s kitchen. It hasn’t been sanctified by a Rabbi, it’s not going to bring about the Second Coming and it’s no Katz’s, Carnegie’s, or Eli’s (an actual Kosher Deli in DC). What is it then? It’s a pub/deli in the predominantly black Atlas District where maybe ten Jews actually live. As it is a bar/deli, this means it’s going to be loud and crowded. READ MORE »

'Jesus fucking christ!'A fun new study by that Pew Research group finds that only 65% of “millennials” (young adults) consider themselves to be Christian, and only half of the alleged Christians even understand the central tenet of the religion: That the Jesus character is the only way to be “saved” by God, the purported “second daddy” of Jesus. Overwhelming majorities of these 18-to-30 year olds don’t go to church, avoid that weird Bible book, and only half of these nutty kids even believe in God at all! READ MORE »

  • Portrait of America.The results of many tragic health studies were dumped on America last night, and the prognosis is Awful. You already knew 67% of us were overweight or obese, but did you know nearly half the adults in this country suffer from either high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or diabetes? READ MORE »
CRUCIAL CLOTURE VOTES & BEN NELSON  5:29 pm April 26, 2010

by Jim Newell

  • HA! Ben “Wario” Nelson just voted no on beginning the financial reform debate, because he’s an asshole from an asshole state who must do whatever the Republicans tell him ever since the health care reform debate, when he single-handedly legalized abortion for tweens. There is now Major Bipartisan Opposition to this bailout bill of bailouts. UPDATE: Oh, ha, that update never saved. The motion to proceed was voted down 57 to 41, as you know by now. Harry Reid voted no as well, but only so he could re-introduce it later, which he will. This means nothing, really, except REPUBLICANS ARE FOR WALL STREET OMG! UPDATE II: READ MORE »

As we wait to see whether all 41 Republicans will hold their pledge to vote against even debating a bill to at least monitor some of Wall Street’s saddest practices, we must consider this new NRSC video, which says, “the Democrats get money from Wall Street.” Why aren’t people listening to the Republicans, who have no money? Cloture vote in a few minutes!!! [WP/Dave Weigel]

It appears that a smattering of homosexual activists with the group GetEqual are just kickin’ it in Old Walnuts’ Phoenix office until he repeals Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. As if McCain didn’t have enough on his plate these days, like a re-election campaign that only matters to him and no one else at all. Who knows if McCain was or will be able to get these damn gays offa his linoleum lawn by the end of the day. [Towleroad via Pam's House Blend]

Self-described immigration law “liberal” Bill Kristol has read (!) the new Arizona immigration law and determined that it is Not Draconian. Then he did some Math, and look, it’s just a handful of taco trucks that may get screwed, not much else. READ MORE »

Who knew Facebook was Kenyan?Oh look, it’s another million-word liberal magazine article about snowbilly grifter Sarah Palin! Did you read it? We scanned it, as a service to busy Wonkette people who simply can’t afford to give up an hour of porn or solitaire or whatever, and the only interesting part we discovered was that the Tea Party Teabaggers also believe Facebook is a secret liberal plot to take away their freedom fries. READ MORE »

NATION OF SELF-PARODIES  2:01 pm April 26, 2010

by Jim Newell

IS THIS A PROTEST FOR OR AGAINST THE LAW? “The conflict over a sweeping crackdown on illegal immigration in Arizona intensified Monday as vandals smeared refried beans in the shape of swastikas on the state Capitol’s windows.” No no that was just Nazi Lou Dobbs playing with his poopy. UPDATE: We have replaced the funny actual image of Lou Dobbs with this one, of his poopy swastika. [AP/TPM]

'Now move your big ass 'round this way, So I can work on that zipper, baby ....'
Ever since National Review Online’s old maid Kathryn Jean Lopez heard about sex a few weeks ago, she has been frantically typing with one hand about all the dirty, dirty, dirty pornography on the Internet which is so filthy, so hawt, so nasty. (Actually, K-Lo “discovers” the p0rN every year about this time. It’s like some gross mating dance done by a weird prairie turkey.) READ MORE »