Obama State of the Union Will Remind You How He’s ‘Centrist’ Again

The State of the Union address is coming so soon, you guys! It will probably be like every other State of the Union since forever, in that it will be boring political bullshit and not even the people paid...

Keith Olbermann Fired By MSNBC Or Something?

Keith Olbermann did his last MSNBC teevee show! It was a big deal, probably! Was he fired? Were there contract squabbles? How much of his thirty million dollars does he get to keep? Will it be enough, for whatever?...

Woman Getting Shot Through the Brain Opens Up AZ-8 For Dude

Unfortunately for Gabrielle Giffords' 2010 midterm opponent, Teabagger Jesse Kelly, just as he was about to announce another run against her in the next election, Giffords was shot through the head at point-blank range when she was out serving...

Barry Gives Richard Gere The Finger

It is no secret that this column relies heavily on the contributions of your Official White House Videographer, one Arun Chaudhary. It is also no secret that this columnist (Richard Cohen with bigger tatas) becomes enraged when Arun thinks...

Will Obama’s Hair Please Just Go Gray So the Media Can Shut Up About It?

For years now, the media has waited with bated breath for Barack Obama's hair to turn totally gray. The stresses of the job are supposed to do this to a president, we've been told. But why is it taking...

Orange County Nazis Threaten To Kill Jerry Brown

Southern California Nazis or whatever have painted graffiti in the Orange County town of Santa Ana informing new (again) Governor Jerry Brown that they will kill him next month. One message says "We're gonna kill Gov. Brown 2/14/11" and...

Ron Paul Thinking About Doubling Senate’s Paul Delegation

Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas) says a new poll that shows him a a top choice among Texas Republicans to run for Senate has him thinking about the race. "It's certainly crossed my mind," Paul told The Ballot Box of...

Mike Huckabee Waiting Until Summer To Decide If He Wants To Lose Again

While the rest of the Republican field waits to get in, Herman Cain only gets stronger. Mike Huckabee says he will wait until the summer to start running for president, because he learned the last time he ran that...

4,765 People Actually Bought Tim Pawlenty’s Book, Apparently

Maybe it was an accident -- maybe there's a hip-hop golfing star or a Food Network host (World's Biggest Hamburgers!) or somebody in those Twilight Mormon dry-hump books with a similar name -- but for some reason, Tim Pawlenty...

Meg Whitman Now Hoping To Piss Away $$$ By Losing To Feinstein

Remember Meg Whitman, the poor little rich girl who got savagely trounced when Jerry Brown came out of his meditative trance one day, late in the election year, and said, "Oh yeah, I used to be California's governor. I...

D.C. Bar Now Wishes It Hadn’t Written That Post About Hating Mexicans

Somehow we missed the update on this: That e-mail touched off a chain of responses ranging from promises to never patronize the bar again to a debate about the quality of the pub's burgers. But then Wonkette picked up the...

House GOP Deficit Plan Shows They Hate Poors, Federal Workers, Egypt

The House Republican leadership is continuing its tireless mission of pitching legislation that will never become law, like spending cuts they say will save $2.5 trillion over 10 years. Some of this is in specific cuts, like a "$1...

Arizona Tea Party Wants To Recall Tucson Sheriff

Arizona's horrible old white people have responded in exactly the way you'd imagine to the Tucson Massacre that took the lives of six people -- including a federal judge and a little girl -- and gravely injured Congresswoman Gabrielle...

Gabrielle Giffords Has Won God’s Prayer Sweepstakes, According To Fox

"Nearly 8 in 10 American voters say they believe prayers helped Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords survive the Tucson shooting, according to a Fox News poll released Thursday." Well, there you have it. We now know why Giffords has made...

Anti-Business Obama Puts Another CEO In Charge of America

In a desperate bid to prove he worships Wall Street enough to be allowed to remain president, Barack Obama has appointed General Electric CEO Jeffrey Immelt to the new White House group that will decide if CEOs are being...

Chuck Grassley Has ‘Peeps’; Chuck Grassley Has ‘Personal Problems’

Chuck Grassley comes home. Chuck Grassley sees his peeps, but his peeps don't see him. They only see his power and his money. He's got problems too, you know. Life's not all hos and blow. Life's not his videos....

Giffords Graduates From iPhone to iPad, Is Trying To Speak

Gabrielle Giffords is still recovering quickly, and today she has made what is surely the best sign of progress yet, moving from playing with an iPhone to playing with an iPad. "Doctors said she had scrolled through the iPad...

National Enquirer Says Todd Palin Bangs Hookers

America's favorite newspaper, the National Enquirer, has another gross scoop about political celebrities boning people they aren't married to -- this time it's "first dude" Todd Palin, who is accused of repeatedly banging a hooker who was then arrested...

DC Has Crawfish, NYC Does Not

Here's a tale you can tell your grandkids when they ask you what it was like to live in D.C. during the Chinese occupation: You can tell them that a restaurant made famous thanks to the eating habits of...

Romney Going Around Being Personally Coy To Every Citizen of Iowa and N.H.

It was four days before the 2010 midterm elections, and Romney was making the Granite State rounds. People applauded him for just walking into a room. At the neocolonial estate of one wealthy contributor, the former Massachusetts governor glided...

2011: The Year In Pictures/Economic Crisis

Mass unemployment, "sliders," Canadian boys in sideways microwaved Byrds' wigs, viral YouTube videos of dogs being shot by cops .... Are you ready for the 2011 Year In Review features that are expected around December of 2011, if we live...

Michelle Obama’s Hatred of Fatsos Killing Pedestrians

Every news headline should include a question mark, because readers don't turn to the news for facts, they turn to it for insinuation. And at least one individual at the Daily Caller caller understands this, gracing the world with...

Reagan Boys Disagree On Dad’s Dementia, Much Else

Ancient lizard god Ronald Reagan achieved many things during his 93 years on Planet Earth, one of which was the actual creation of Planet Earth (modern conservative scholars will confirm this, so don’t argue). It seems our greatest president’s...