Hated Telephone Hardly Used By Anyone At All (Except For Texts, Angry Birds, Etc.)

Good news, finally! People don't use the phone anymore. Sure, they use the phone, but not for the talky-talk jabbering bullshit part -- and by "people," we mean the New York media elitists and fashion designers and basic misanthropes...

BREAKING: Tim Pawlenty Still Running For President

When Tim Pawlenty was a child, a bunch of mouth breathers forced him to will their obsolete manufacturing jobs back into existence. "Hey kid, those gay foreigner founding fathers may have created this country," said the laborers, spitting tobacco...

Here’s Your Weird Japanese Obama Stuff

As you know, your editor was in peaceful, relaxing Japan last week for a perfectly-timed vacation. Tokyo was about as normal as one could expect a city to be in such a situation, so we won't bore you with...

Michelle Obama Is Your Obese Child’s Cyberbully

If you’ve been paying attention, you know that America is suffering from an obesity epidemic that may or may not exist. And you probably know that our FLOTUS, Michelle Obama, has deemed herself personally responsible for making sure that...

Troubled Former Cute Baby Ice Bear Knut Drops Dead

It's amazing he lasted this long. He was dead inside years ago. Veterinary experts performed a necropsy Monday on Berlin zoo's celebrity polar bear Knut to try to determine why he died suddenly over the weekend. The four-year-old polar bear died...

Tim Pawlenty To OFFICIALLY Announce He’s Boring

LET THE COUNTDOWN BEGIN! Tim Pawlenty is going to announce something, on Facebook, but it's only for people who "like" him. (So, nobody.) Will people click on this man's page for special "access" to this announcement, as no news...

80-Year-Old ‘Pentagon Papers’ Hero Arrested At White House For Protesting U.S Torture of Bradley Manning

While your country was starting another war and also still losing two other wars and also ignoring some of our closer Arab Dictatorship Allies as they massacred their own people, 80-year-old Daniel Ellsberg peacefully protested outside the White House...

Donald Trump: We Should Be Renting Out American Land To Gaddafi

Yes, Donald Trump bragged about renting out land in New York to a dictator America is currently at war with and then succumbing to public pressure to not rent out land to dictators. Then he said this is something...

U.S. About To Lose Another War

Why are our war planes shootin' up Libya right now? Just because we hadn't done it in a while? Who knows! Does the U.S. want Gaddafi out of power? Russia and China seem to think so. Gaddafi's compound was...

Wasilla Soldier Who Murdered Afghans For Fun Also Posed With Their Heads

Another proud product of Wasilla, Alaska, Army Specialist Jeremy Morlock has plead guilty to three counts of murder for killing Afghan civilians to pass the time when he wasn't killing the other kind of Afghans. But that's not all!...

Idiots Abroad: Palin Freak Show Tours India, Israel

Good morning, warmongers! Sunday marked eight years of Mission Accomplished in Iraq, and also the beginning of a fun new war in a different oil-rich nation, "Africa," or something. We have been refreshing our RSS feed every thirty seconds...

Oh Yeah, America’s In Another War Somewhere (Libya?)

Sorry we forgot to post about America getting into a war with Muammar Gaddafi again. What with the radiation cloud headed across the Pacific from some melting nuclear hellscape and the air strikes on Gaddafi's Libya, we can probably...

Minnesota Republicans To Outlaw Poor People Having Money

Minnesota's Republican lawmakers are, as expected, very angry about poor people. Why give those poor people money when we know they'll just spend it on the hip-hop and fancy sneakers and for crack smokin'. So, the Republicans had an...

A Fun Japanese Cartoon To Explain the Nuclear Holocaust To Your Kids

It all makes sense now! Uhh, sorry.

Today In Revolutions: Yemen Massacre, Syria Clash, Bahrain Bloodletting, Etc.

The bloodshed seems to be halted in Libya today, hooray for the UN no-fly/no-massacre resolution, but some of the other many Arab Uprisings are still going terribly today: "Syrian security forces dispersed protesters in two towns Friday, state media reported...

Diplomat In Austria Tells AP Japan Radiation Has Reached California

Here's the latest episode of the never-ending reality series, Why Nobody Trusts the Government: Everybody on the West Coast is freaking out because the radioactive plume is reaching North America today, from the melting nuclear plants in Japan, and...

Koch-Blocked: Judge Blocks Wisconsin Anti-Workers Bill

A Wisconsin judge has temporarily blocked Scott Walker's anti-workers bill from taking effect, saying the Wisconsin legislators' passage of the law was likely illegal as it violated the state's Open Meetings law. In other words, Walker's errand for the...

Wonkette’s Jack Stuef Interviewed By Vanity Fair (Former Wonkette Editor) About Tokyo

He doesn't even answer our emails, and we pay him (a little), but here's your wayward afternoon guy Jack Stuef doing a Q&A with Juli Weiner because they have Porno Twitters in Brooklyn or something: Are people wearing radiation masks?...

Cost of Living Soars As Income, Assets & Government Services All Decline

Despite consistent claims of low inflation during this endless Great Recession, Americans are paying dramatically more for gasoline, electricity, heat and food -- everybody notices the $4 gas, but the jump in food prices to a 36-year record is...

New Rape Bill From House Republicans: Sex Victims To Be Audited By IRS On Abortion Costs

It's really a good thing Mother Jones exists in 2011, isn't it? Because you're sure not going to find a story about this in the New York Times or Washington Post: Under a GOP-backed bill expected to sail through the...

U.S. State Dept. Rescuing Americans In Japan (Regular Bus Fare Applies)

The good news (?) is that the State Department has begun rescuing Americans and their families from the quake/tsunami/radiation-battered northeast coast of Japan. The bad news is that the rescue is just a bus to Tokyo, and you'll need...

Japan Raises Nuclear Apocalypse Alert Level

Japan raised the nuclear alert level at Fukushima from four to five on a seven-point international scale for atomic incidents, making this nightmare just two "points" away from Chernobyl! (That's a nice way to imagine it, in "points." Just...

Union-Busting Kochsucker Scott Walker New GOP Favorite For 2012

We won't know for sure until he double-sucks the withered old peckers of David and Charles Koch on live television while simultaneously pooping on the grave of a 9/11 firefighter and strangling a pre-schooler, but Wisconsin's Scott Walker is...