daily briefing

But There’s No Danger, It’s a Professional Career

Barack Obama is finally going to announce his sexy war decision everybody knows about: He will send 35,000 vampires and werewolves to Afghanistan, because there are no actual human U.S. troops to send anywhere. [BBC] Democrat presidents have been trying to pass national health care since FDR’s time, and now it is very close, and everybody’s insurance costs will either stay the same, get a little bit cheaper, or get a whole lot cheaper, depending. And millions of people without ...
  good heavens

Meghan McCain’s Bildungsroman Taking Shape

We’re trying to ignore Meghan McCain for a while but come on, this is hot news! Her book will be more Hunter S. Thompson than Sarah Palin, okay. Does that line sound familiar? Because it’s exactly what James Joyce Twittered as he was finishing up Ulysses in the late 1910s. [Meghan McCain’s Twitter]
  rumors on the internets

When Will Barack Obama Finish His Round Of Golf And Give The Order To Torpedo Vanuatu?

The “Climaquiddick Ocean?” No thanks. [RedState] It’s a shame global warming is such a disgusting hoax, because if it wasn’t, Vanuatu would surely sink into the “Climaquiddick Ocean.” And that would please the Weekly Standard very much. That would make their day sparkle. [Weekly Standard] Freshman Rep. Jason Chaffetz, a Republican from Utah for heaven sakes (!), wants to cut-and-run. You bring the tar. Gateway Pundit has the feathers. [Gateway Pundit] A ...
  very serious people

Jon Meacham: Linky Linkbait Link-Bait Linkage In 2012

Newsweek has plenty of talented reporters trying to write about real stuff, so it’s a shame that their editor has decided yet again to poop all over his magazine: “But I think we should be taking the possibility of a Dick Cheney bid for the Republican presidential nomination in 2012 more seriously, for a run would be good for the Republicans and good for the country. (The sound you just heard in the background was liberal readers spitting out their lattes.)” No that was ...
  endless war

DOVEY MCDOVEYTON FINALLY MAKES HIS WAR DECISION: And for the first time in the history of the United States, a president has decided to continue war-making: “WASHINGTON — President Obama has issued his order to send more troops to Afghanistan, communicating his decision to military leaders late Sunday afternoon during a meeting in the Oval Office, and will spend Monday speaking with foreign leaders to share with them the broad outlines of his new strategy, the White House said.” ...
  yes he has

Has Barack Obama Used This Word Too Many Times In One Year?

How many times has Obama uttered the difficult five-syllable word “unprecedented” during his White House term? According to the Politico‘s arbitrary (and would-be time-consuming, if they weren’t just making it up) count: 129 times! The last American president George W. Bush Junior said it 262 times! BUT IN EIGHT YEARS! Dana Perino went to journalism school (yikes!) and she thinks it is bad journalism or something to say a word like this 129 times in less than one ...
  uh okay whatever

NEW IMPORTANT VANITY FAIR-CBS NEWS SURVEY: “Half of Americans Would Rather Lay a Wreath on Tomb of the Unknown Solider Than Light Olympic Torch or Flip Coin at Super Bowl.” And other Half Would Rather rub Ranch dressing on their Sweatpants. [Vanity Fair]
  think about it

Thinkers State the Obvious

Tuesday, December 1: Contemplating large expenditures after they’ve been implemented — it’s the American way. The Urban Institute considers if the government is actually capable of stimulating economic mobility, $750 billion dollars later. [The Urban Institute]
  the academic life

Professor Alberto Gonzales Already Terrifying Students

Former Bush White House counsel and Mexican attorney general Alberto Gonzales is balls-deep into his professorial duties for the semester at Texas Tech, where he teaches a “political science class on the Executive Branch” as an “easy A” for the football team. Here is what he is telling the students, as he puts it in an interview with the Texas Tech newspaper: “Dream big but be patient… You never know when the next George W. Bush is going to come along and ...
  because of obama

Jeffrey Toobin Will Break This Sucker Down

CNN = law jernalism! Ha ha ha “why isn’t Tiger Woods talking to the public and everyone about why he hit a fire hydrant and a tree on his property? A little birdie tells Jeffrey Toobin the hot sex secrets…” [CNN]
  jolly old elf

Wingnuts Nervous About Elf Sex In Video Game

We haven’t even thrown away the rotting turkey carcass on the dining room table or swept up the broken glass or sent those people back home, whoever they are/were, and it seems like the War On Xmas has already begun! Why, some folks tell of the early skirmishes of ’09 beginning before Halloween, or Easter, one of those. And the wingnuts are pretty hot & bothered about this video game they love, with the gay male elves just cold fuckin’ each other in the ass. Check it out!
  book learnin'

Horrible New ‘Children’s Book’ Features Sarah Palin As Dildo Monster

Here’s a great War On Xmas gift for that kid on your list who cannot read and will never need those fancy elitism skills, anyway: a shitty “children’s book” about how Sarah Palin and her sack of dildos saves this plague rat from these dumb urchins. You know, because liberals are ruining this country! Jesus christ, why do people even send us these press releases? [Ugh]
  great polls of our time

Washington Post Discovers Massive Political Thing, In Poll

Dan Balz has written for the Washington Post for SEVEN HUNDRED FIFTY YEARS and this is his greatest lede yet: “Sarah Palin may or may not run for president in 2012, but she is already the overwhelming favorite in the Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck primaries.” Meh, not enough Trig. [Washington Post]
  o come all ye truthers

Santa Claus Wants You To Know 9/11 Was An Inside ‘Elf Job’

Here is some exclusive Xmas video of some nutter, maybe Mary Cheney? Let’s say Mary Cheney, just trying to help out old Monster Dad’s reputation, or something? Anyway, Santa doesn’t love you anymore until you admit ghost planes flew into the WTC, which was made of magic steel. [YouTube]
  big news here

Evan Bayh Makes Preposterous Comparison

Terrible Indiana person Evan Bayh, the very serious Deficit Hawk, is concerned about the Security issues surrounding the big news story of last week, when Tiger Woods used his three-wood to have an affair with Michaele and Tareq Salahi in his SUV in the White House on Thanksgiving. (Ha your editor didn’t read any news for a whole week until like an hour ago.) What does this have to do with the shoe bomber, Richard Reid?
  so busted

How Can Obama Laugh When There Are Still Economic Problems?

Doesn’t Barack Obama and his gang of Chicago Thugs know it’s “wrong” in the eyes of the American Jesus to laugh at shit on the computer, when there are people out of work?! This photo was taken on Obama’s magic private jet, “Air Force One” (what, he can’t take Southwest like everybody else?) during a flight to “Asia,” whatever that means. Help us figure out what wingnut porn site Robert Gibbs has bookmarked to cheer up the boss.
  daily briefing

The Telex Machine Is Kept So Clean, and It Types To a Waiting World

Four police officers in Washington state were gunned down in a coffee shop by some psychopath. [Seattle P-I] The “person of interest” is a child-raping monster who got out of prison in Arkansas thanks to then-Gov. Mike Huckabee, so probably it’s goodbye to Mike Huckabee as a 2012 candidate, and there’s your “politics angle” for this awful story. [Arkansas Times] Tiger Woods, who appears in those vague accounting-company advertisements in The Economist, ...

Sarah Palin Quits 5K Charity Run, Too

Yikes, did we imply Sarah Palin was acting like a “normal ‘Merikun” in eastern Washington State for Thanksgiving? Sorry about that! Palin was just being a Prima Donna nutcase, like always.
  next stop: dancing with the stars

‘Troopergate’ Trooper Is Still Displeased With Sarah Palin, Apparently

The Trooper from America’s forgotten “Troopergate” scandal has a thing on the Internet today, for some reason. No one has cared about this person for over a year, so you can just imagine the overwrought similes he has saved up! “[Todd and Sarah] are like poisonous snakes in the grass who spew nothing but venom. They just lay in wait and they attack you until you’re dead.” Exactly. Wait, what? Anyway, let’s wait to see how this random human from ...