Barack Obama Would Like To Know What Bon Jovi Thinks

Well, hello, Wonketteers! This will presumably be the last "Barry Can You Hear Me?" of whatever year it is, so I'd like to take a moment to thank all of you knuckle-draggers for straining your third-grade reading skills in...

Newt Gingrich Can’t Stop Going To Strip Club For Money

Newt Gingrich has some very interesting schemes for making money, it seems, but it troubles him that the same strip joint keeps trying to give him funds for one of his special Newt trophies. Newt, of course, needs monies...

Fox News Viewers Most Uninformed People On Earth

Science has finally proven what was always totally obvious: People who get their news from Fox News are the stupidest fucking idiots to ever exist. These cretins have literally no idea what's going on, with anything. Whether it's believing...

Birther Army Doctor Gets Six Months In Jail, No Further Obama Birth Info

The Army doctor who refused to deploy to Afghanistan because he challenged President Obama's birthright has been sentenced to six months confinement and ordered discharged from the Army. Seems like it was worth it.

Obamas Spend Holidays With College A Capella Groups, Worshipping Dog

Thanks to Jackie Kennedy being hott that one time she lived there, the White House is supposed to be a place of well-decorated holiday majesty at this time of year. But the Obamas are ruining it by hanging out...

American Public Sick of Telling Pollsters It Doesn’t Like Sarah Palin

Did you hear there is a new poll out today about infamous white person Sarah Palin and the office of the presidency? There is! "What is this, a day of the week?" you ask. Yes, it is. According to...

Wonkette Sponsors Stuff Our Stockings With Cheer (We Hope That’s What It Is)

Despite the tragic fact that people everywhere are abandoning the Internet because it's dangerous and stupid, and that by this time next year anyone with a few of their original teeth and a working debit card will exclusively use...

David Vitter Disciple Cons Babysitters Into Changing His Diapers

An Oklahoma City man did a perfect imitation of Republican Senator David Vitter by pretending to be autistic and hiring babysitters to change his poopy diapers while he "became sexually aroused." Apparently you just put an ad on the...

Larry King Finally Died Or Something

Wait, why did they give this guy a show? Oh, never mind.

Dearly Departed Spending Omnibus Was Not Fit For This World

Just days after it came into our lives, Harry Reid has given up trying to pass the $1.2-trillion spending omnibus, the greatest proposed legislation in the history of our great country. Reid said he would work with Mitch McConnell...

Tax-Cut Thing Passes House Easily, Sent To President Bush For Signature

With a greater majority than passed the Bush tax cuts the first time, the United States House of Representatives passed the Obama-Republican tax-cut thing early this morning, 277 to 148. Across this great country the wealthy smiled, went into...

Joe Miller Still Whining About That Election He Lost 1,000 Years Ago

For the love of Joseph and Mary's unsullied maidenhead: When will Joe Miller stop smelling his own farts and accept the fact that he is a loser? "Probably never," according to everyone. "He's a hopeless dick." Miller is still...

Wonkette’s Best Ever Cyber Friday 2010 War On Xmas Gift Guide

Did you think we'd forget? With just eight days of Xmas Shopping before the Big Day when you go in the bathroom and shoot yourself because you can't afford presents, again, this Christmas Holiday Season is shaping up to...

BLIND ITEMS: What Senator Earmarked a Bridge To the Moon?

This is still referred to as "The D.C. Gossip," right? Let's give you some. This senator from a Great Plains state has a district office made entirely of pickup trucks and is on record against earmarks. But that didn't...

Julian Assange Out On Bail; Let’s Look At His Weird E-mails To a 19-Year-Old

Julian Assange has finally been released on bail, LADIEZ. Who wants to buy him some train tickets and condoms he may not use? All of you? Keith Olbermann? Yes. The man has a whole castle to himself, one full...

DADT Repeal Decision Ages Scott Brown 25 Years, Adds 50 Pounds

This is what one year in the Senate, occasionally breaking with your party, does to your body in an era of extreme polarization. Hopefully the appreciative gays will find a way to fix him up.

Unarmed Gunman Puts Senate Buildings On Lockdown

Everyone knows the drill. The man allegedly began to make physically threatening gestures toward the officer, which prompted the officer to draw his gun and instruct the man to lay down on the ground. “He began to threaten the officer...

Jerome Corsi Returns To North American Union Thing

Swiftboat birther nutsack Jerome Corsi is so confused by Obama becoming Republican Senate Majority Leader that there's really nothing left to do but go back to the old "George W. Bush is making Mexico and Canada part of America...

Gratuitous Celebrations of Jesus

For most Americans, Christmas is that special time when you gather your remaining pennies, find your way to the local 7-Eleven to finish your Christmas shopping and pray that, when you return home, the Baby Jesus left a job/house/car...

DADT Repeal Actually Going To Happen, If Lieberman Can Stop Time Itself

Sen. Scott Brown (R-MA) is backing the standalone Don't Ask, Don't Tell bill in the Senate, his office confirms to TPM. So is Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-AK). The pair join Republican Sens. Susan Collins (ME) and Olympia Snowe (ME)...

Your Wonkette Guide To the War On Christmas

Christ-killers and Menorah fetishists, ACLU fascists and Kwanzaa-celebrating racists, liberals and Nazis, gather 'round the Christmas fire! Normally at Christmastime, your reviewer would want to read aloud some classics of the season, but this year we must focus on...

Army Birther Changes Mind About Birth Certificate, Now Wants To Deploy

Lt. Col. Terrence Lakin, the Army doctor who pleaded guilty on Tuesday to STANDING UP FOR PRESIDENTIAL BIRTH CERTIFICATES, has now told the jury he was wrong to disobey his order to deploy to Afghanistan, and he wishes to...

Rep. DeFazio: Emo Obama Says Not Passing Tax Deal Could End Presidency

Emo Obama is back, according to Obama-Republican tax-cut opponent Peter DeFazio, who said last night that the president is "making phone calls saying this is the end of his presidency if he doesn't get" his deal passed. Oh, is...