pope troubles

Pope’s Pedophilia Adviser’s Priest Arrested For Pedophilia

Has the Pope stamped out the organizational problem of pedophilia, yet? Umm … check back in a few years, maybe, when all these creepy hundred-year-old child diddlers have died and gone to heaven? GENOA – The latest sex-abuse case to rock the Catholic Church is unfolding in the archdiocese of an influential Italian Cardinal who has been working with Pope Benedict XVI on reforms to respond to prior scandals of pedophile priests. Father Riccardo Seppia, a 51-year-old parish priest ...
  campaign fever ... catch it

Romney, Bachmann, Other Various Losers Collect Like Dust In Iowa

Oh golly, just another eight months or so before the Iowa Caucus, which means it’s time for Wonkette to go into high gear. Mitt Romney is in Iowa! Michele Bachmann is planning an announcement at her personal Waterloo, which is a place actually called “Waterloo, Iowa,” where she was hatched from an emu egg beneath a corn farm. The paper in Minneapolis hopefully suggests in its headline, “Republican Race Heats Up.” Anything could happen! Meanwhile, Rick Santorum ...
  robots running everything

From France, Obama Forces His Robot To Sign Patriot Act Renewal

Republicans and Democrats came together to oppose the renewal of the Patriot Act — which lets the government do literally whatever it wants to anyone, anywhere — and then other Republicans and Democrats came together in bigger numbers to approve the renewal of the Patriot Act. So if you were planning on doing anything vaguely terrorist-y like talking on the phone or using public transportation, rest assured that you are still under surveillance. But the interesting part of this ...
  workin' stiffs

Joe Biden Stuck At White House Returning Calls For Obama

So what’s Delaware Devil Joe Biden up to this week, while Barack and Michelle are rocking out with the Queen in England and crashing their limo into Ireland and pounding Guinness? Poor Joe is just stuck with a stack of Obama’s “while you were out” messages, and he’s got to call everybody back! Bummerz.
  'i worship the ground paul ryan walks on'

Dick Cheney Confirms That Paul Ryan Is Satan

Here is what Dick Cheney said, in public, about GOP Medicare Murderer Paul Ryan: “I worship the ground that Paul Ryan walks on.” There, done, confirmed: Paul Ryan is not just a creepy looking errand boy for the Koch Brothers, because the Koch Brothers and Dick Cheney and Scott Walker and Eric Cantor and the rest of these amoral corporate devil-worshipers actually worship Paul Ryan, who is the Devil. This is pretty much just like in those Left Behind books … and this might ...
  justice

Wisconsin Judge Strikes Down Evil Scott Walker-Koch Bros. Anti-Workers Law

A judge in Wisconsin’s Dane County has struck down the Scott Walker/Koch Brothers’ anti-collective bargaining law, which means Wisconsin will once again become a luscious workers paradise and all the mean old Tea Party people will be rolled off cliffs, in their wheelchairs. (No, wait, it’s the Republicans who will push all the old people off a cliff, to “fix Medicare.” We are still new here.) The Journal-Sentinel reports today: Madison – A Dane County ...
  the sperminator

Arnold Aide Says Governator Always Brought Lusty Ladies To Hotel

Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t just bang his housekeepers all the time, while he was married to a woman apparently living in the same house. Arnold also had “CHP Dignitary Protection Services” officers deliver hot young club girls to the Hyatt in Sacramento where he lived while governatin’ and fornicatin’. This, according to political journals including the Daily Mail and National Enquirer, happened constantly. Some people just should not be allowed to have free time.
  this explains the $500K 0% credit line

Bribery at Tiffany’s: Newt’s Latest Wife Did Tiffany’s Bidding

We thought Giant Whining Baby/Serial Divorcer Newt Gingrich had his half-million-dollar Tiffany’s credit line just because he always needs new engagement rings when he divorces his old, cancer-ridden wives for new, younger ladies he’s been schtupping for several years. But no, it’s actually sleazier than all that, because this is Newt Gingrich we’re talking about. Why did he get a very special $500,000 charge account from the jeweler with a truly spectacular 0% ...
  snowbilly rising

Terrifying Egomaniac Reality-TV Lady Considering 2012 Run

We told you about her tacky new foreclosure in Arizona that looks like a Panera or maybe a closed-down P.F. Chang’s. We told you about her bonkers Twitter Spokeswoman, who writes awful things on Twitter not only about conservative figures like that one douche from RedState, but also about Palin’s own daughter. And we have probably told you a few thousand other things about the Wasilla Grifter over the many, many years. Now, the New York Times has a front-webpage story sort of ...
  shocking

Republicans Freaked Out After Voters Notice Republican Plan To Kill Medicare

Gosh, it’s almost like actions sometimes have consequences: After their plan to privatize Medicare helped a Democrat win a vacant New York congressional seat, House Republicans are vowing to prevent the 2012 election from becoming a referendum on the proposal. Democrat Kathy Hochul scored an upset in a traditionally Republican western New York district May 24 after hammering opponent Jane Corwin for endorsing the Medicare plan approved by almost all House Republicans.
  prince charming

Newt Gingrich Such a Gift To Nation’s Headline Writers

So happy about this Reuters headline, captured above: “Republican Gingrich defiant over Tiffany’s account.” And who said chivalry was dead? Really, who said that? We want to know, so we can send Newt Gingrich over with his maxed-out $500,000 Tiffany’s credit line and the cure for cancer. (Oh yes, Newt has the cure for cancer. It’s called divorce your old wife when she gets cancer.) But why shouldn’t he maintain a half-million-dollar Tiffany’s line ...
  lots of 25-year-olds can't pull this off

Reagan Daughter Patti Davis Poses Nude At 58, Looks Great!

Weren’t we just writing about Patti Davis, sorta kinda, earlier today? Seems like! And now, this: I recently turned 58. My kickboxing teacher, who has known me for almost 20 years, recently commented, sort of in passing, that my body is in better shape now than when I posed for Playboy. I heard him, but I was concentrating on my spin kicks, so I put it on the back burner of my mind. That night, I stood in front of the mirror and thought, He’s right. My muscles are leaner, longer, more ...
  jerkwads

After Terrible Tornadoes, Eric Cantor Won’t Allow Fed Disaster Relief

This should play well in Missouri next year: House majority leader Eric Cantor (R-Meanie) has blocked federal disaster-relief help for Joplin, where an incredible storm and tornado killed at least 122 people and leveled much of the town. Police and firefighters and ambulance workers are still pulling victims from the rubble, and the Republican House is saying no help for these people from the federal government unless a bunch of programs the Republicans hate (all of them, except for defense ...
  keyboard solo

Jon Huntsman: D&D Nerd Who Played Keyboards In Band Called ‘Wizard’

We have an old stoner uncle who also used to play in a “prog rock” band back in the hazy Kodachrome 1970s, so we’re not sure how unique this might be, but potential GOP presidential candidate and Obama appointee Jon Huntsman used to be in a nerd wizards-and-witchcraft band, where he played the nerdiest instrument: In the late 1970s, Huntsman lost an election for senior class president and took it hard. He dropped out of high school, grew his hair long, and joined a rock ...
  you're doing it wrong

Sarah Palin Spokesperson Savagely Attacks Bristol Palin

Reality-television curiosity Sarah Palin has a crazy spokesperson who can’t seem to shut up on Twitter. That’s fine when you’re attacking the liberal elite, but it’s not so fine when the person paid to promote the Palin basic-cable brand is instead verbally attacking one of the actual Palins who makes basic-cable programs. This is what Sarah’s spokesperson Rebecca Mansour has been caught doing: criticizing and insulting abstinence icon Bristol Palin. This is ...