Wonkette

• GOVERNMENT SO BROKE WE CAN’T AFFORD EMAIL ANYMORE: Wonkette tipster Scott writes: “I was just speaking with a friend on the House side who says they have no e-mail anywhere on the Hill since yesterday?”

Well good morning to you! The Dow dropped over 660 points after opening, which is to say, it’s just another beautiful day on Wall Street. Our president, George W. Bush, will once again scurry out of his spider hole to choke out a few brief words about our flourishing economy before he glimpses his shadow and disappears for another six weeks. So of course we will liveblog all 90 seconds of his remarks, so stay tuned! [Yahoo Finance]

Well here is yet another tale of John McCain’s terrible anger and simmering rage and also his addiction to craps, a game of chance! Just three years ago, John McCain nearly assaulted a woman standing next to him at a craps table in Puerto Rico because she touched his arm. Nobody touches John McCain’s arms! Don’t they know who he is? MORE »

• It looks like Apple will be introducing a more affordable, hobo-friendly line of laptops next week. [Wall Street Journal]
• Testicular stem cells are the hot new alternative to embryonic stem cells. [AP]
• Wells Fargo won the bidding war for Wachovia and will now be the largest bank in America as measured by number of branches. [Bloomberg]
• Oh shock! Two former NSA employees said U.S. spies listened to the phone calls of Americans overseas. [Washington Post]
• Crowds at McCain/Palin rallies get more hysterical and angry as they realize that most rational people care more about the impending New Depression than they do scary 40-years-ago terrorist William Ayers. [Washington Post]
• John McCain gets no credit from Hispanics for his Maverick stance on immigration — only blame for being a Republican. [Politico]

AMERICA’S WORST GOVERNOR: “Gov. Jim Gibbons has become a fleeting presence in Carson City, rarely showing up at his Capitol office and making few public appearances.” [Las Vegas Sun]

The McCain campaign’s angry tone this week has produced frightening anecdotes from every McCain/Palin rally about murdering the treasonous terrorist Barack Obama. Wingnuts are seeing Obama solidify his leads and are genuinely frightened that this Muslim might actually do it! And what does that make them do? Be even “wingnuttier,” of course, and that means that the mob rallies are getting more primitive and violent by the day. Today’s rally — “the angriest McPalin rally ever” — was in Wisconsin, a “swing state” where Obama is leading by 10 points. MORE »

• BARRY BUYS ALL TELEVISION CHANNELS: The Obama campaign is trying to buy 30 minutes of primetime on every major teevee network for October 29. (Fox is hesitant because it is showing a “baseball game” that night.) So expensive, no? Maybe he will finally unveil that secret video of Cindy McCain calling everyone “blackey” at Jeremiah Wright’s church. [The Live Feed]

It’s still “Oktober,” according to the German lunar calendar. Hooray! At one “Oktoberfest,” the Teutonic Gods are giving away ancient beer tickets, and all you have do to is dress like a German. It’s so easy — actual Germans do it all the time! Just make sure if you go retro and dress as a Nazi you know what you’re getting yourself into! (It’s Poland.) MORE »

You may recall the second question from Tuesday night’s town hall debate from a young black fellow named Oliver Clark. Clark asked the candidates what the bailout package does for the Average American. McCain responded by attacking Obama for not regulating Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac — it was his ONE JOB AND HE BLEW IT — and in the process said to Clark, “You probably never heard of Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac before this.” Because how would anyone have known about these two mortgage giants that back 70% of the country’s mortgages? Well, it was condescending anyway, and Clark has posted a hilarious message on his Facebook saying that he has like 500 college degrees and calling Walnuts a horrible racist. MORE »

Well, this is ludicrous: John McCain is sending pre-paid FedEx envelopes to Goldman Sachs’ employees — the few who are left, anyway — demanding $5,000 checks. Oh, Walnuts, you’re doing it wrong. Let us investigate this absurdity. MORE »

Dudes, our noses are bleeding and the sky is on fire because GOOD LORD, refreshing the Dow every four seconds as it’s free-falling is like SMOKING CRACK. This is astonishing. Whoa! There go another 30 points! HA HA HA HA HA WHEEE. [Yahoo! Finance]