Wonkette

There once was a Congressman named “Dick Swett.” Barack Obama called on him at that New Hampshire town hall today. When will this president put aside his childish impulses to summon “Dick Swett”? And when will “Dick Swett” realize that going by “Richard” would make his existence less comical? Hopefully never ever ever ever! Anyway, the inclusion of subtitles here makes up for the budget quality. Just look at that teevee get awkward and hesitate! [YouTube]

The funniest part is that he thinks he needs more than three minutes of speaking time. Most people can clock in even a significantly belabored “HEHNGNN?” in under two seconds. (Also, sometimes laws are passed that set a policy and then grant the relevant department/agency a certain amount of time to implement them, after which they “go into effect.”) [Think Progress/Wonk Room]

Famous rodent prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning, and, if you believe that rodents are savvy weather predictors (check), then we’re in for at least 6 more weeks of fun, freezing winter weather. Joy! In light of this glorious fact, we continue our series of “It’s super cold outside, life is hard, America has no money, what’s so wrong with stealing Haitian babies for fun, so who needs… a glass of wine?” MORE »

• INVESTIMAGATIVE JOURNAMALISM! Yesterday Reuters, the famous wire service, ran a story about how Obama’s decision in his new budget to let Bush tax cuts expire meant that all of the pre-tax levels for every included tax were coming back, and even offered a list of all the new taxes the Obama administration was going to impose on working people, just for shits and giggles, without telling them. It made the top of Drudge. Now that article has been removed, however, because IN THA BUJJET IT ACKSHLY SEZ that none of the old tax rates on those making less than $250,000/year would return. Reuters pulled the story and acknowledged the massive error, though, so we no longer have to worry about every Republican still referencing it as fact every day and in every teevee ad through November with cable news approval. [Washington Monthly]

• Happy 105th birthday, Ayn Rand! If you were still alive, millions of Objectivists wouldn’t have to fantasize about having frantic, sweaty intercourse with your dead corpse. [Hit & Run]
• Matthew turns up the sass! Look at him go! [Matt Yglesias]
• Take your hot date to the new romantic comedy starring Hugh Grant, his health care, and some poor woman with lupus who is forced to marry Hugh Grant because she needs his health care. [Think Progress]
• Jonah Goldberg is only 805 Twitter followers away from leveling up to a “Level 14 Twatter.” [The Corner]
• The Super Bowl will feature “ads with scantily clad women and misogynistic men engaged in onscreen sexual perversion and debauchery akin to dogs in heat.” Where did Erick learn to write such delicious erotica? [RedState]

It’s Barack Obama in New Hampshire! Here he is politely acknowledging that the Senate will probably drop cap-and-trade this year. And sorry, “Starbucks coffee enthusiasts,” but that sounds like a pretty good idea right now. MORE »

He’s ba-ack! MORE »

Early 2010 comedy meme Harold Ford Junior’s testing-the-waters strategy of “fuck up at least one interview per day” found the starving Merrill Lynch anti-candidate on the Colbert Report last night, where he behaved like the most uncomfortable shitsack politician ever to appear on television during a 2/1/10 11:30 ET basic cable timeslot. Is he one of those people who likes Colbert because he thinks his conservative caricature personality is real? Does Harold Ford Junior even exist beyond the lens of a camera, or is he just one of Wolf Blitzer’s holograms — the one that escaped? These things, and more. MORE »

When Chris Matthews forgot that Barack Obama was Kenyan for an hour, we remembered that Chris Matthews was insane, his whole life, back to the zygote stage. (”LEMME OUT, CHRIST ALMIGHTY…”) So here’s to more daily Tweety hilarity from now on. Operative “Tom S,” for one, caught this last night: “At about 1 minute before Hardball ended tonight, Tweety was discussing with his guests Obama at the Republican retreat the other day. He compared it ‘Gulliver’s Travels’ in which – and I quote – ‘the guy’s tied down by all the midgets.’” Unfortunately we could not procure this clip, so here’s some other one. [YouTube]

Everyone very respectfully say “cya bye” to “Scorecard,” one of the POLITICO’s many manifestations that sound like they might have to do with a sex thing, but tragically do not. And as POLITICO is incapable of writing about events that it cannot force into the narrative of a campaign, “Scorecard” has already been replaced by the nearly identical “POLITICO 2010″ blog. Sad, maybe. [Scorecard]

Casual warmonger Daniel Pipes is as serious about this as he is that mustache. MORE »

Autocratic mayor of Facebook Sarah Palin needs a new feud, because no one has paid her any attention in like a week. And luckily for Palin, it seems her Google Alert for “Rahm Emanuel retarded” is solid fucking gold today, as she has declared war with Emanuel for referring to attempts to pressure Senate centrists “fucking retarded,” which is an Alaskan-language slur that can be loosely translated as “cynical play-acting.” F’reals: “Rahm’s slur on all God’s children with cognitive and developmental disabilities – and the people who love them – is unacceptable, and it’s heartbreaking.” Trig wept. MORE »

Barack Obama is snubbing the European continent of Europe by declining to attend a US-EU summit in Europe’s Madrid. The Spanish Prime Minister spent all last night telling Obama how much he hated him, likely in Spanish: “The Spanish prime minister, José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero [...] was described as angry and embarrassed, and European officials said there was a set of high-level diplomatic exchanges overnight.” Obama did not respond to any of Zapatero’s probable upside-down exclamation mark-laden text messages, because he’s like, I never said I was doing a semester abroad. Drama! MORE »

• The Tea Party Convention thing in Nashville will be broadcast on teevee, for a reason that apparently exists. [New York Times]
• Abstinence-only education works after all, which means the government will probably deploy a slightly re-worked “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (Anything)” policy in our nation’s middle schools. [Washington Post]
• Obama’s asked for $230 million in order to ship the Gitmo detainees to New Gitmo, in New Gitmo, Illinois. [CNN]
• Haitian orphans that had been adopted pre-earthquake are now being sent to their new foreign adoptive parents. [WSJ]
• Noted celebrity Anne Hathaway woke up so early today to read a list of every movie that came out this year just to prove she could. [Los Angeles Times]
• China will hate Obama so much if he hangs out with the Dalai Lama. This is true of anyone hanging out with the Dalai Lama. [Times Online]