Wonkette

A Bachmann spokesman says the folk heroine has no plans to appear on Alex Jones’ informative radio show … but maybe that’s exactly what you would tell the corporate media that covered up 9/11. “I can tell you unequivocally that she is not scheduled, nor ever was,” said spokesbot Dave Dziok in an email to the Minneapolis/St. Paul City Pages, who actually thought to confirm this claim with Bachmann’s office. Journalism! [City Pages]

• Surprise! American troops have withdrawn from Iraqi cities. And many large, contrived celebrations were held throughout the land, attended by few, because most people stayed home out of fear they would be bombed. [New York Times]
• A freight train carrying tanks of gas derailed and exploded while passing through a station in western Italy, killing at least 12 people. [CNN]
• Speaking of trains, do not ride the Red Line, regardless of what city you’re in. Chicago’s Red Line killed a man early this morning.The man apparently jumped out in front of the train, but STILL. [WBBM 780]
• Public health officials are seeing an alarming number of flu cases this summer, like more than they see in an average winter flu season, but that’s what happens when you have a global swine flu epidemic on your hands. [Washington Post]
• The FDA tested a sample of the gross “dough-in-a-tube” delicacy from Nestlé and found E. coli in it. Article highlight: “The CDC said interviews with patients showed a high percentage of them ate raw Nestlé’s cookie dough before becoming sick. Most victims are teenage and preteen girls, the CDC said.” [Wall Street Journal]
• For the first time, Iraq is auctioning off licenses to develop its oil reserves and allowing foreign companies to participate in the auction. [New York Times]

The last time a cell phone rang during a White House press conference, Robert Gibbs just took that damned device and gave it to the CIA, for torture. But Barack Obama is too cool for that. He just looks disappointed, with America, and then jokes about how pathetic the White House correspondents are, to be downloading duck ringtones. Oh and this is some kind of talk to the gays? [Gawker/YouTube]

ALUMNI REPORT: Original Wonkette editor Ana Marie Cox (Class of ‘04-’06) and editor-after-that Alex Pareene (Class of ‘06-’07) have exciting new programming you should know about: Ms. Cox now hosts the Air America radio show The Inside Story (Saturdays at 9AM and Sundays at noon) while Mr. Pareene is now the curator of Everyone Is Trying To Kill You at True/Slant.

Okay thanks a lot to Wonkette Operative “Phil” for sending this with the subject line, “OBAMA DOG SEX TAPE??!” This is the official Monday Night Open Thread, go nuts!

• RED LINE KILLS AGAIN: “Metro reports a person was struck and killed by a Red Line train at Forest Glen this afternoon. The transit authority said it appeared the person was on the tracks deliberately.” Yeah they always say that. [Washington Post]

Last fall an Internet hobo named Jack Cashill broke a certain “biggest political scandal ever” proving that Bill Ayers, the hippie terrorist, colluded with then-Sen. Barack Obama, in 1995, to ghostwrite the latter’s profane memoir, Dreams From My Father. Cashill noticed that several sentences in Dreams incorporate similar (if not exact) individual proper nouns and conjunctions as those in Ayers’ Fugitive Days and other books. National Review hero Andy McCarthy picked up Cashill’s story, but then it died, because of liberal political biases in the national media. But it hath risen a-gain! Cashill wrote a long post yesterday titled, “Breakthrough on the Authorship of Obama’s ‘Dreams,’” and it proves once and for all that Obama didn’t write a fucking word in the whole book; it was all the terrorist Bill Ayers. And Jon Favreau wrote The Audacity Of Hope! MORE »

How are you celebrating Jeff Goldblum and Bill Pullman’s victory over the aliens? Wonkette recommends indulging in such earthly freedoms as “third parties,” hallucinogens, and atypical products of M.F.A. programs! Ralph Nader will be around to answer your questions, and Reif Larsen will be around, to tactfully evade your advances. There’s also more, so much more. MORE »

What happens when you’re super angry about a Negro somehow becoming president, but there are no longer specific laws against a Negro becoming president? Make up something else! Better yet, make up something that can never be disproved, to you, because you can just dedicate yourself to saying, “Nah, that is FAKE somehow!” Perfection. And guess who just joined the “Birther” club? Once-famous right-wing asshole and talentless fruitsack Pat Boone, who made a living half a century ago stealing the black man’s music, that’s who. MORE »

Known magazine TIME reported earlier in the day that Barack Obama, who hasn’t been to church since quitting Jeremiah Wright’s mosque last year, has chosen as “his primary place of worship” the “Evergreen Chapel, the nondenominational church at Camp David,” where other congregants include local forest creatures such as rabbits and donkeys. George W. Bush also “chose to worship” there, at the president’s secret Maryland lair, because if there are no cameras then you don’t actually have to go. But the most interesting thing about this TIME report is that it is WRONG and Barack Obama still hates Mister Jesus. MORE »

A couple of years ago, Michele Bachmann was the most pro-government pro-president American Patriot in American History, because her beloved George W. Bush was the president, and she loved to stick her tongue right down his throat, and he bombed Arabs like every day, which was awesome. MORE »