Man, bad boy cheftrotter Tony Bourdain (your Editrix calls him “Tony” because of how he is her lover) will eat anything. There he always is, puking his way around Rangoon or whatever, eating turd hash on a salad of gravel and smiling wanly at his eager hosts. But what would he most like to eat? THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME, in this case one Mr. Richard “Dick” Cheney, and he is “the most dangerous” because of how he shoots people in the face (and also entire countries, you know how it is, you can’t be the most powerful man in the world without breaking a few Iraqis). Wonkette operative SayItWithWookies sent us this HuffPo post, on eating Dick Cheney’s wang*, so we could end our day with a smile! Thanks, SayItWithWookies, but not bloody likely. READ MORE »
Human tear factory John Boehner is shocked — shocked! — that no-goodnik President Divisive wants a “clean” debt limit increase without matching spending cuts. You perhaps remember that this was a big fucking deal last year when all the Tea Party freshman simultaneously went all bananas on John Boehner’s ass and refused to pay for what Congress had already spent, because that is just good, responsible budgeting like we all do at home, and this caused the nation’s credit to be downgraded to “Gingrich Campaign.” You may also remember that they eventually, after much derping, agreed that there would be a mix of cuts to programs cherished by each side if’n they couldn’t come up with a compromise on their own. They failed, the “sequester” (cuts) was supposed to take effect, and then HEY HOWDY! just a week or so ago they decided that all their side’s cuts would come from the Democrat side of the aisle. That is so weird and totally unexpected! So that is all just “context” for why President The Worst would be all nah John Boehner not this time just raise the fucking debt ceiling no games mang, and now John Boehner, he is breathless with the gall! And that is how it is Barack Obama’s fault that the Republicans in the House will let the nation default! READ MORE »
So, who still wants to expose the evil secret teachings of the Mormons, because Mitt Romney is one of them and he is running for president? This wishy-washy Beltway Wonkette hack author doesn’t and can’t imagine that any of the millions of liberals who’ve said “A candidate’s religious beliefs shouldn’t matter” or “Even if he was a Muslim, it wouldn’t matter” would suddenly find Mitt Romney’s religion in need of serious journalistic investigation. Oh, and the Evangelicals don’t care, actually, as this sorta-desperate and thin Washington Post report shows. Back in 1857, see, while the Mormons were on the move after being killed and expelled everywhere they went for being in the wrong religion, a rag-tag Mormon Militia ended up “turning the tables” and killing 120 people in Arkansas. The dead Arkansas people’s descendants still talk about it from time to time. So will the Republicans there vote for Romney, after he killed all of those people? Of course they will, because that was 150 years ago and Mitt Romney didn’t do it and they hate Barack Obama more than anything. READ MORE »
Here is an important Monday newsflash to cruelly ruin any budding sense of optimism you may have had about the week: Congress is talking more dumber, new study proves it. The somewhat ironic-sounding “Sunlight Foundation” fished through the daily mosh pits of word battle waged in Congress from 2005 to the present and found that the overall level of oratory in the nation’s most elevated chambers of governance flunked itself back an entire grade level from 11.5 to 10.6 in that time. Just thank Space Jesus they didn’t factor in Chuck Grassley’s Twitter account, okay? READ MORE »
If there is one thing Wisconsinites love, we are told, it is murdering poor defenseless Bambi with a gun. Democrats love shooting Bambi, Republicans love shooting Bambi, independents and children and cripples and ladies and men all LURVE killing them some deer. Sometimes for food, sometimes to preserve their public lands from deer overpopulation, sometimes to have dominion over all God’s beasts or something. This is the most bipartisan thing there could possibly be, in Wisconsin. So what did hero Governor Scott Walker do? He appointed as the state’s “deer czar” one Dr. James Kroll, who thinks public management of public lands is “the last bastion of Communism.” Better dead then red, derp!
The public lands Kroll despises include the state parks, state and national forests, and other publicly held property that hundreds of thousands of Wisconsinites—particularly in the northern part of the state—rely on for deer hunting. Hunters on public land may be surprised to discover that Walker regards their annual trek into a state forest as a radical left wing activity akin to marching in a May Day parade in Red Square. But so it is. If Kroll gets his way, public land hunters will get the shaft. The deer herd no longer would be managed as a public resource, but as the private property of wealthy landowners. Wisconsin will become like Europe, where hunting is the privilege of the wealthy.
Last week we wrote about the latest program that House Republicans drew from their box of Valuable Programs That Benefit Any Number Of People And Aren’t That Expensive But Should Be Destroyed Solely Because A Democrat Likes Them, the American Community Survey — a form of several dozens questions sent to random households each month, the results of which are used by most policy researchers and help determine how some $400 billion in discretionary funds should be allocated. The Republicans are led by freshman Rep. Daniel Webster, who’s trying to snag his one crappy piece of legislation that he can wave around to trick his constituents into thinking he does work and deserves reelection. Webster and others heard that the survey, which is mandatory, sometimes includes a question asking if one’s home has a flush toilet, and so they’re essentially saying that ACS should be destroyed to stop Democrats from watching you poop. No, that’s not fair of us. Because the actual words that come out of Daniel Webster’s mouth whenever he has the misfortune of opening it are so much worse. READ MORE »
When Trayvon Martin was killed, it looked really bad for George Zimmerman until it was discovered that he was fighting the savage effects of a marijuana-fueled person of color. Little did Zimmerman know that the young man he was chasing was seeking weedemption for all of his terrorist pot smoking members who belong to a secret organization called ‘People In The United States Who Have Tried Marijuana.’ Luckily for Zimmerman, there’s a pill for this; and he happened to be prepared by taking it well before the altercation ensued. What miracle drug allowed Mr. Zimmerman to tangle with this young man? It was none other than big pharma endorsed ‘happy place’ drug Temazepam.
How can one mind altering pill that has potential side effects of violence be able to combat the threat of a stoned teen on a cell phone walking down the street? It’s easy when all you have to do is swallow it, wait an hour and hate black people. READ MORE »
Baptist pastor Charles L. Worley had a little sit-down with Jesus, and got this heavenly revelation:
“I figured a way to get rid of all the lesbians and queers,” he says in his sermon, delivered on May 13. “Build a great, big, large fence — 150 or 100 mile long — put all the lesbians in there, [drop some food down] … Do the same thing for the queers and the homosexuals and have that fence electrified so they can’t get out… And you know what, in a few years, they’ll die out.”
Hey Drug War, what’s new? Lock up any first-time-offender grannies who had no idea they were participating in a drug-mule operation between Messico and Tejas? You did? Awesome. For how long? Forever? Well it is ABOUT TIME! Good job, Drug War! And also, super-good-job, jury! We will no longer be under siege from the insidious threat that is Elisa Castillo not being behind bars for the rest of her natural life! Great life sentence, everyone involved! Well, everyone except for the actual drug kingpins who get non-life sentences or witness protection instead! READ MORE »
You did it, Twitter! You got superhero Newark Mayor Cory Booker to retract and correct his Sunday Meet the Press statement that examining His Lord High Hairgel’s record at Bain was “nauseating” and “vilifying private equity.” Yay YOU! After the jump, BOOKER’s hostage video. It’s nice! READ MORE »
Poor Eduardo Saverin! All he wanted to do was renounce his American citizenship, coincidentally shortly before a big honkin’ tax bill came due from his Facebook public offering or something (we don’t know, it was all the news there was on Friday, which brought our cherished Internet to a dumb screeching halt). And then mean old New York Senator Chuck Schumer targeted him with the delightful Ex-PATRIOT Act, which would ding poor Mr. Severin for 30 percent of his income! That is double the rate that is supposed to be paid by the wealthy, as a reward for them creating your jobs. (You do all work in yacht sales, right? Or yacht construction, or yacht redecorating, or yacht skippering, or yacht insurance fraud?) And doubling the tax rate, so that it is equal to what your slob brother-in-law pays on his unemployment check? That is punishing them for their success! Everybody knows that! But did you also know it’s what the NAZIS did? That’s right, anti-tax hero Grover Norquist says this Ex-PATRIOT bill is the worst thing since the Holocaust, and we know six million Jews who would totally agree! READ MORE »
It sure must have been embarrassing for young master James O’Keefe when every single part of his latest vote fraud video was laughed out of the room. (He said a dead dude was voting, but edited out the part where it was clear that it was the dead dude’s son, Dead Dude Jr., to whom the lady thought she was offering the ballot. Then he claimed noncitizens were voting because two guys said they weren’t citizens to get out of jury duty; at least one of them was naturalized between that jury duty date and the date of the election.) So how does one go about “walking back” claims that formed the entirety of his thesis? Perhaps with a quick apology and total disavowal, as did NRO on Friday when they accused Elizabeth Warren of plagiarism, whoops, except hers was the book that came out first? Sure, that’s what O’Keefe did: apologized and … HAHAHA DON’T BE RIDICULOSE! Apologies and retractions are for suckers! READ MORE »
Radio commies and totes adorbs marrieds Allison Kilkenny and Jamie Kilstein of Citizen Radio are in Chicago stone cold marchin’ on the mansion of Ol’ Mayor Nine-Fingers hisself, and also taunting pigs. They are also taking pictures of NATO protesters, for your ‘batin. Like this guy! HELLO THIS GUY! More protester hotness after the jump! READ MORE »
Why did the Navy can this dude, er, Gordon J. Klingenschmitt, just for praying in Jesus’s name? (Oh right, because it didn’t.) But that has not stopped Gordon J. Klingenschmitt from having some opinions on the persecution of Christians by the government because Barack Nobama “blame[d] Jesus Christ” for his endorsement of homosexual marriage by invoking the Golden Rule, and also that animals are homosexual because evil spirits escaped from gays and possessed them, like when Jesus cast an evil spirit into some pigs. Hello, it is called science, why don’t you look it up! RawStory has the raw story on dude just laying down the cold homo FACTS. Marketing, recruiting, homosexual agendas (don’t forget the free toaster!), for starters, turn people who were born straight into icky queers. This is when you perform gay and lesbian exorcisms, obviously. Except that then the gay goes into the animals, and that is why 4000 species do gay stuff to each other. READ MORE »
Have you finished with your shame spiral over the P-E-N-I-S lady, and how much fun you made of her and how you howled with laughter until we all realized huh, chick who sounds crazy was actually crazy? What were the odds??? Well here is a new lady for you to gawk over, and her name is Mema, and it is her world and we are just living in it! Mema loves to sit on her porch and tell her stories! Stories about how black people can be racist too, because there is a Black Miss America pageant! Thing is, by the third video (they autoplay back at the Youtube page, for your convenience), you sort of begin to LOVE Mema, just as she loves everyone, even Indian people — both kinds, from India and the “whooo-whoo-whoo” kind — because she is not racist! And when she declines to say the “n-word,” referring to it as “the word we’re not allowed to say anymore even though we used it when I was growing up,” it seems like actually a MAJOR VICTORY FOR HUMANITY! Good job, you guys! Mema doesn’t say the n-word! Behold this giant step for mankind, after the jump! READ MORE »
