Burger King Tries To Buy A Canadian Coffee Store For Fun And Profit

  Taxes are so un-American
YOUR ANGUS IS NOT EVEN REMOTELY PEPPERED, CANADA.
This weekend, Burger King announced that it was negotiating to buy Canadian coffee-and-donut shop Tim Horton’s. Tim Horton’s says it wants to merge because of the “potential to leverage Burger King’s worldwide footprint,” while Burger King says it wants to merge so more ...

Today Is Michael Brown’s Funeral So Of Course Wingnuts Are Pissed About That

  Does this racism look racist to you?
Great question, if you're A Idiot
Today is the funeral of Michael Brown, the unarmed teenager shot to death by Officer Darren Wilson. For people made of actual human being parts, this is a sad and solemn affair. However, in wingnut world, where Officer Wilson is some kind of hero and Brown (a black man) had it comin’ ...

WND Publisher Joseph Farah Just Wants Equal Rights For His People, The Hate-Gay-Marriageists

  And Yet Furries Still Fight For Recognition
Admit it: You only read 'Nostromo' because it was the name of the ship In 'Alien'
WorldNetDaily publisher Joseph Farah is taking a break from his critical work on behalf of birthers and believers in various conspiracies to explain that laws preventing discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation are actually Very Discriminatory Indeed — not against a religion ...

Philadelphia Newspaper Sorry About That Racist Photo Caption ‘Proofreading Error’

  An Hour After The Apology You're Offended Again
Don't You People have a sense of humor?
A Philadelphia newspaper is eating General Tso’s Crow after it let some idiot’s racist photo caption joke go to press. Free weekly paper The Philadelphia Public Record ran the above photo with what would otherwise have been a seriously nothing story about a fundraiser for City ...

Obama To Destroy America (Again) Within The Week, This Time With Messicans

  Mark your calendars
Yep, this is the plan
Hide the children and the sheep, because the end of the world is coming again. And it is President Obama’s fault again. According to Hitler Fanboy Racist Piece of Filth Patrick J. Buchanan (“Pat” to his friends), we have exactly one week before the president burns the whole ...

Dozens Rally In St. Louis To Declare We Are All A Cop Who Killed An Unarmed Teen

  Wow So Empathy
There's Darren Wilson! GET HIM! Or, uh, her...
Buzzfeed’s Jim Dalrymple II went to a rally in St. Louis this weekend in support of Officer Darren Wilson, held at “Barney’s Sports Pub in south St. Louis — a place many described as a popular police watering hole.” At its peak, the gathering attracted between 50 and 70 ...

John Oliver Literally Beats Internet Hyperbole To Death With A Stick (Video)

  clipbait
Exactly as promised
John Oliver’s Late Night Tonight is actually on vacation until Sept. 7, but they were kind enough to upload a short video to help us fill a news hole while they’re gone. This time out, Oliver takes on a sad truth of modern life: “The internet does not know how to describe ...

Tragedy Strikes Really Good Wine, Evolutionary Misfits, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

  Your morning cup of wut?
Too soon, Napa?
At least it’s Friday! (Sorry, that was mean. Let’s try it again.) At least it’s — nah, screw it. It is Monday. We’ll just have to soldier on. Somehow. In case you missed it, there was a semi-decent-sized earthquake in California (or what we natives call ...

You’ll Prefer Reading About Ebola Nurses Over Reading Maureen Dowd In The Sunday NY Times

  Your morning cup of wut?
Look, Mommy! Daddy has an analog tablet!
We’re still getting used to bringing you this New York Times roundup on Sundays, so bear with us. It’s a nice break from “Sundays With the Christianists” (which will be back at some point — there’s no shortage of material), but we’re still adjusting to ...

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah’s Deeply Weird Ice Bucket Challenge

  We Watch So You Don't Have To
The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
A man gave us money to watch the Sarah Palin Channel. That man was Fartknocker. The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge! It’s the viral video sensation that’s blowin’ up your teen’s sexxxphone, or it would be if teenagers still used Facebook. And now that she’s done creating ...

McDonnell Grift Trial, Week Four: The Road To The Rectory

  trial separation
bob and maureen k-i-s-s-i-n-g
After fourteen days of prosecution testimony in Bob and Maureen McDonnell’s corruption trial, which took a turn for the soap opera with suggestions that Virginia’s ex-First Lady orchestrated years of lavish gifts because of her “crush” on a wealthy snake oil merchant, ...

Wonket Weekend Roundup: Stories You Should Check Out Because Somehow You Don’t Read Everything

  In Case You Missed it
Oh, I gotta share this... and this...
It is Saturday — if you didn’t notice, and are still in the office, that is why it’s so quiet near your cubicle — and so it’s time once again for our weekly Best Of The Wonkets, or at least our weekly Most Shared on the Facebooks of the Wonkets, which we figure has ...

Another Missouri Cop Shares His Thoughts On Ferguson, Gets Suspended

  Facebook Once More Proves Its Value As A Moron Detector
This is not the protester you're looking for
You good folks will almost certainly be astonished to learn that another Missouri cop has been suspended after sharing his only slightly racist ideas about what it means to “Protect and Serve” the community. Or maybe just the white community, which is what matters after all. Just ...

Conservatives Cranking Terror Alert Level Up To OMG! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!

  things that go bump in the night
Wonketteers, we do not wish to alarm you about the threat from ISIS, but you should be SHITTING YOUR PANTS IN TERROR BECAUSE THEY ARE COMING FOR YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVERY LOVED. Or at least that seems to be the conservative talking point for the week after the tragic beheading of ...

Stupidest Man On Internet Declares Victory Over Liberal Media, Who Stopped Covering Ferguson Because Of Him

  Serious Investigation Is Serious
Go home, everyone.
The Stupidest Man on the Internet, Jim Hoft, is a resident of St. Louis, Missouri, which is why he calls himself “The Gateway Pundit” (for the longest time, we thought it was a reference to the brand of computer he used). And as a Local Expert, Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the ...

Rachel Maddow Schools Police On How To Not Look Awfully Suspicious When They Kill Someone (Video)

  What's Goin' On?
Rachel, we love you!
Thursday night, Wonkette’s not-so-secret nerdcrush object Rachel Maddow – a fan of Yr Wonkette, of course – compared the post-shooting communications strategies of two police departments. First, the story of Kajiene Powell, shot to death by police in St. Louis on Tuesday in ...

St. Louis County PD Finally Releases Michael Brown Shooting Report. It Is Very Concise.

  Our Nada Who Art In Nada
Gahan Wilson is a god
After 13 days, we finally have the official incident report on the shooting of Michael Brown, written in exhaustive detail by the St. Louis County Police Department after the Ferguson PD turned the investigation over to them. The document should answer all of your questions about the incident, ...

White House Offers Sweet New Accommodation For Slut Pill-Haters, That Should Fix It

  #MadAboutAThing
Damnit. Damn IT. DAMN IT!!! The Obama administration announced on Friday a new accommodation for religious non-profits that object to covering the full range of contraceptives in their employee health care plans. The new accommodation will allow religious non-profits, such as Catholic schools ...

Congressional Candidate Will Protect Arizona From Ebola-Ridden Immigrant Kids, Sharknados

  Be Afraid. Be More Afraid.
The documentary that changed Tobin's life
Arizona’s primary election is next Tuesday, and the final days of the campaign are bringing out the crazy. Like the early days did, for that matter. And stepping up to the challenge in the District 1 Republican congressional primary is Andy Tobin, the speaker of the state House, who ...

Jesus-Approved Sexytime Turns Happy Virgin Men Into Sad Confused Husbands

  Purity Brawl
Somehow, I'd never seen this gif
Now here’s a shocker: A new study finds that men who make “virginity pledges” get plenty of “social support to abstain from sex before the wedding night,” but once they get married, they no longer feel comfortable talking about all that sex they’re finally ...

Want To Read Ferguson Police Report On Michael Brown Shooting? Bummer, There Isn’t One

  The dog ate their homework
Maybe they're just really slow typists
In the nearly two weeks since Officer Darren Wilson killed unarmed pot-smoking gang-sign-flashing teenager Michael Brown, residents of Ferguson and of St. Louis County and of Missouri and of the entire world, basically, have been demanding answers to some pretty basic questions, including ...

HI-larious Irish Marriage Equality Ad Warns Of The Coming Gaypocalypse

  28 Gays Later
Night of the Loving Dread?
This terribly cute promo for the LGBT Noise March in Dublin, scheduled for this Sunday, riffs on horror movie themes, presenting the videotaped testament of John and Mary, hetero survivors of the Gaypocalypse, who have barricaded themselves inside their home ever since the legalization of ...