Too much? It might be too much.Just when you thought that the internet had pretty much plumbed the depths of all possible dumb Holocaust analogies, along comes CNBC guest “expert” William Happer, who somehow is a professor in physics at Princeton and also a global warming denier. On CNBC’s Squawk Box the other night, Happer explained that not only are pretty much all climate scientists wrong, but that poor innocent carbon dioxide itself is getting a bum rap, and is being demonized exactly like “the poor Jews under Hitler,” because presumably tiny little trains are about to start deporting all the carbon atoms to death camps where they will be fed to hungry phytoplankton or something. READ MORE »

Who needs a drink?

You know why we can’t have nice things? Today, the reason is Megyn Kelly, the beloved hard-hitting journamalist of Fox “News,” who for some reason my brain cannot comprehend is golden-showered with praise every time she opens her mouth and says something that is remotely accurate.

Today, however, is not one of those days. Today, Megyn is the reason we can’t have nice things. Thanks to our friends at Media Matters, who watch Fox “News” so we don’t have to, we have this un-freakin’-believable display of stupid, in which Megyn discusses the Democratic bill, the Women’s Health Protection Act, with Patricia Ireland, former president of the National Organization for Women, and a goddamned saint, as far as I’m concerned, because she never once screamed at Megyn, “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY THAT DUMB, MEGYN?” (The answer is yes. Yes she is.)

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Barack Obama, why can't you just be different, somehow, maybe?Guys, we’re really sorry we haven’t gotten around to announcing the big tote-bag winners of our most recent photoshop and caption contests; we really will get to those soon, and you should believe us, because we are professional bloggers. But in the meantime, we have a REAL challenge for you: Can you find a point in Maureen Dowd’s Tuesday column about Barack Obama and technology? At least we think that’s what it was about. Maybe it was about him being feckless or something. All we could tell is that it was quite a few column inches of Maureen Dowd being vaguely displeased with how this president does things, but with no real criticism beyond the hazy sense that stage-managed presidential media appearances are insincere, and so maybe it would be better if Barack Obama had a holodeck. We think. READ MORE »

But what if the messer is another Texan? Did we just BLOW YOUR MINDS?Last June, our own Snipy wrote about a Supreme Court case involving one Abigail Fisher, a young lady who had a giant sad because the University of Texas declined to admit her to its august halls. Abigail couldn’t believe it, so she did what any young person would do: She set aside her disappointment, went to another school, and had a great undergraduate career. Ha ha, we’re kidding, she blamed the darkies for taking her spot and sued the shit out of UT.

The Supreme Court, perhaps not yet ready to gut affirmative action for college admissions, but also not ready to look like liberal squishes, kicked the case back down to a federal appeals court with the admonition to take another look and make super-duper double extra sure that the university could prove that no other race-neutral alternative existed that would produce a diverse student body.

Now a panel from the 5th Circuit issued its new finding, and it said basically, naw mang, we got it right the first time. READ MORE »

blogger pleaseHey kids! It is time once again for Bristol Palin to smear some Thoughts at us! What is our topic for today? It is how the “president” had a gay sex fist bump, per Ben Shapiro, or “five short paragraphs from the National Review Online followed by two sentences ‘by’ Bristol Palin, neither of which has a verb because verbs are for LOSERS.” READ MORE »

Flexing his GubernatorialsFrank Riggs, one of several candidates for governor in Arizona’s Republican primary, is trying something unusual for a Republican campaign ad: He’s not shooting anything. But he includes a gun show anyway, explaining, as he pumps iron, that he’s a strong candidate. Oh, we get it — “strong” can mean both in good physical condition, and politically resolute! That is quite clever and everyone should give this clever shirtless man money. READ MORE »

Those darn kids, leaving their traumas lying all over the floorJon Stewart took on the latest round of rightwing anti-immigrant panic Tuesday night, reminding us of that simple lesson that we all learned as children: “I was always taught by my parents to follow the Golden Rule: Whenever you see a kid in trouble, yell at them in a language they don’t understand.”

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As much as what they are saying is idiotic, we can sort of understand why politicians that reside near the southern border of these here United States would like to weigh in and talk tough about porous borders and illeaglle children and brown hordes or whatever. But asking Michele Bachmann, a person who is quitting Congress in a few scant months, about her feels on the matter is just nonsensical, given that Michele’s frozen hellhole of a state could not be farther from the border. Or at least the southern one. But nonsensical is the unnecessarily resurrected Crossfire’s stock in trade, so they dragged Old Crazy Eyes onscreen to fight with Van Jones. Nobody won, America lost, you get the picture.

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at least we didn't go with a palin pic

Wonketanians, we have failed you, and for that we are humbly sorry. How have we let you down? Because it has been three whole days since this shining diamond of dumb, GOP gubernatorial candidate Taylor Haynes, elbowed his way over the Wyoming horizon to open his mouth and let spew forth a veritable gusher of Tea Party nonsense, complete with a suggestion that we should drill and mine the fuck out of Yellowstone National Park. Oh, and maybe lease out the land as well, because what a great plan.

See? It’s unforgivable that we slept on this guy. Let’s rectify that.

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Kwasman
Between the ongoing child immigrant crisis at the border  and the fact that all House of Representatives seats are up for grabs, our cup of derp really does runneth over so hard. There are the incoherently angry poor spellers. There is Breitbart’s House For The Endlessly Petulant mistaking a soccer jersey for an evil Muslim prayer rug. All those idiots should stand aside, though, because GOP state legislator and Arizona congressional candidate Adam Kwasman is here to put them all to shame with his touching concern for the busload of terrified migrant children he saw, a concern made all the more touching by the fact that what he saw was actually a bus full of good old ‘Merican kids on their way to YMCA summer camp.

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Too bad, so sad. Assholes.

Now that the Supreme Court has decided it is constitutionally okey-dokey to refuse to comply with federal law so long as you SINCERELY do not like that law, guess what is happening. It is amazing. You may want to sit down for this because it will completely blow your mind because of how no one could have predicted this would happen.

Gordon College President D. Michael Lindsay was among 15 Christian leaders who penned a letter to the Obama administration earlier this month in which they reasoned that under the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling in the Hobby Lobby case, their institutions should be exempt from federal anti-LGBT discrimination laws.

Gordon College, Lindsay argued, is an “explicitly Christian institution,” and as such, should be allowed to fire LGBT employees on the basis of their orientation, or to refuse to hire them at all with impunity.

This is Gordon College, according to Gordon College:

Gordon College is one of the nation’s premier Christian colleges and located just north of Boston. We offer students extraordinary access to leading-edge opportunities for intellectual, professional, and leadership development to address the increasingly complex challenges of a global society. Gordon stands apart from other outstanding institutions in New England by combining an exceptional education with an informed Christian faith.

Aw, that’s nice. Doesn’t that sound nice? It is like Harvard, basically, with the leading-edge education and the changing leaves and all, but with extra Jesus on top. Awwww.

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Don't worry: there are no ponies in this video. That we noticed.Mr. Alfred Matthew Yankovic has released his ninety-seven gazillionth album, Mandatory Fun, and who are we to suddenly develop “good taste” and not just wallow around in enjoying the mostly-amusing silliness that Weird Al occasionally flings out against the wall? Weird Al is childish, simple, and obvious, and for that, we are happy to listen to the occasional song and grin unapologetically. He’s still more consistently funnier than Andy Borowitz, and that bastard’s got a regular place in the New Yorker.

And now, Weird Al has a dopey new Grammar Nazi video that will never be popular with the people who end up in our Deleted Comments.


READ MORE AT HAPPY

Not even sure if Nugent knows what's going on in this photo

Guns Up, Hook ‘Em Horns, Gig ‘Em, Aggies, &c., the proud Americans of Texas now have the GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to put the flag of a racist, treasonous army from Virginia on their license plates! Please tell us about this victory for FREEDOM, Dallas Morning News.

A Southern heritage group defeated Texas on Monday, celebrating a court decision expected to force Texas to issue license plates adorned with the Confederate battle flag.

A federal appeals panel ruled 2-1 that the Department of Motor Vehicles had violated the Sons of Confederate Veterans’ free speech rights and engaged in “viewpoint discrimination” when it rejected its specialty plate in 2011.

This is, without question, the greatest example of Texans fighting for personal liberty since those pro-slavery dudes got their asses kicked by Santa Anna, except this time the pro-slavery dudes won! This is, of course, about heritage not hate. We mean, just look at Texas’s stated reasons for joining the Confederacy in the first place: READ MORE »

Probably not the picture Branstad has in his officeIf the Midwest felt especially blessed yesterday, it’s no doubt because the entire state of Iowa was basking in the smug satisfaction of a “day of prayer, fasting and repentance.” Gov. Terry Branstad signed a proclamation back in April designating Monday a special Christian Repentence Day, because he is just like George Washington, and also anyone who thinks the First Amendment prohibits governors from proclaiming special prayer days can go suck balls. People like official prayer, and this is America, where the Constitution is everything, except when some atheist says it means government isn’t supposed to host church services. READ MORE »

angry vintage wonk
Dear Neighbors:
Hello. Hi. How are you? I’m fine. Well, actually, that’s a lie. I am not fine. I am enraged. I am livid. I am ready to freak the fuck out. Why? Because we’re in the midst of the worst drought in California history, and you won’t stop watering your fucking lawns. READ MORE AT HNTP