We Are Saying He Is Shit Is What We Are Saying

In Florida Election, The Rick Just Hit The Fan

The moment Rick Scott lost the election
In what any Very Serious Journalist would consider a disqualifying move that requires the Republican Party to abandon the race completely, Florida Gov. Rick Scott refused to debate his Democratic opponent, the former Republican and former governor of Florida Charlie Crist (because of course; ...
  Now From Our Boise Bureau

Idahoans Like Butch Otter, Hate Hillary Clinton, Go Both Ways On Potatoes

Looks like the pogayto will be getting a lot of work now
Our pals at Public Policy Polling (we like to say they’re our pals, but they don’t know us from Adam’s off ox) have graced us with a poll on the Idaho midterm elections, and you will be astonished to learn that Idahoans are probably going to elect a bunch of Republicans again. ...
  Slop Goes The Needle

Looks Like It’s Time To Execute Another Mentally Ill Guy, For Justice

Not sure this makes a point about the story -- mostly just wanted to execute a Lego figure.
We know you’re all sick of Ebola and ISIS, so here’s a pick-me-up: Texas is fixing to execute Scott Pannetti, who is so disconnected from reality that he buried a sofa and other furniture in his yard because he was sure the Devil was in it. He murdered his in-laws in 1992, in front ...
  This pie will give you 'O' face

Have An Orgasm For Jesus With Teresa Of Avila’s Chess Apple Pie!

Today we celebrate the feast of Teresa of Ávila, also known as Teresa of Jesus. Teresa found life in a 16th century Spanish convent too full of gossip and other social activity to be able to really get down to deep thought and prayer, so she took some other bookish nuns to the outskirts of ...
  nope no war on women here

South Carolina: Sorry Your Partner Beats You, Too Bad You Can’t Stand Your Ground

Put down that knife, little lady.
Hey there, South Carolina! How are you making life in your state feel like a Beckett play today? South Carolina is one of more than 20 states that has passed an expansive Stand Your Ground law authorizing individuals to use deadly force in self-defense […] In the cases of women who claim they ...
  Not quite ready for 2016

Jeb Bush Doesn’t Know What Paycheck Fairness Is, But He Knows It’s Bad

He's with stupid
It seems Jeb “The Smart One” Bush — former governor of Florida and close, personal brother of America’s worst president EVER — might not be ready for 2016 just yet. Jeb has been poking his head out of the family compound over the last year or so to see if America ...
  Coup Coup Kachoo

Hey It’s Not Like This Missouri Official Actually Wants To Kill The President

Let's not get carried away now...
You’d think that by now, there’d be a memo to all minor Republican officials reminding them to avoid saying really stupid things on the internet. Happily for Yr Wonkette, there’s either no such memo, or Debbie Dunnegan, the recorder of deeds for Jefferson County, Missouri, ...
  its a gas gas gas

U.S. Found Chemical Weapons In Iraq, All Right (The Ones We Gave Saddam)

Oh, never mind: It says 'Made in USA'
The New York Times has a huge Pulitzer-bait story by C.J. Chivers about injuries to U.S. military forces from old, unstable chemical weapons in Iraq, and how the Bush administration and the Pentagon covered it all up. It’s big, it’s a jaw-dropping exposé of shoddy treatment of ...
  the winds of change

Is This Scott Walker Farting?

poot.
Wonket operative “Lisa” writes in with the HOT TIP about Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker possibly making a pooty in his pants: Hey there Wonkette, During the live feed of Scott Walker’s Milwaukee Journal Sentinel editorial board meeting, I’m pretty sure he farted: At 1h 1m ...
  field trips

Republicans Celebrate Success Of Voter Suppression With Fancy Luncheon

One smug bastard
Voter fraud is so hot right now. This year’s midterm elections are only a few weeks away, and courts are still ruling left and right on the identification requirements that states can impose on their voters as a remedy to the virtually non-existent threat of voter impersonation. ...
  Your Morning Maddow

There’s A Secret Train Station Under The Waldorf-Astoria, And Rachel Maddow Loves It (Video)

Delighted Rachel Is Delighted
Rachel Maddow loves this story so much she can hardly stand it. Just before the Crash of 1929, a “last bit of Gilded Age Amazement” was announced in the New York Times: The then-new Waldorf-Astoria hotel would include its very own underground rail siding, where the filthy rich could ...
  Washed In The Blood And Other Bodily Fluids Of The Lamb

Pastor Warns Gay Weddings Will Give Us All Ebola

Do you, Jim, Haz Matt to be your husband?
The forecast for North Carolina is gay skies with a chance of Ebola, according to Babtist pastor Ron Baity — really! — who told his flock at Berean Babtist Church that God is going to strike America with all sorts of nastiness because the Gay Homosexual End Times are here. It ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Radical Feminist SCOTUS Forces Texas To Do All The Abortions Again

Bad news for this guy, great news for people who actually have abortions
We still can’t quite believe this, but the Supreme Court issued this very brief order on Tuesday, re-opening about a dozen of Texas’s abortion clinics that had been shut down by the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals earlier this month while the lower court decides the underlying case: ...
  Did Romney Ever Get This Reaction?

Nice Time: Little Girl Meets Hillary Clinton, Joyously Freaks Out

This is 10-year-old Macy Friday, who was in the crowd at Denver’s Union station Monday when Hillary Clinton came to Colorado to campaign for Sen. Mark Udall. Hillz saw Macy in the crowd, waved her over for pictures, and Macy instantly earned her place as an icon of Kid Enthusiasm, which ...
  go to hell

Never Mind, Catholic Church Will Probably Just Keeping Hating Gays Like Always

Nope
Seems like only yesterday we were singing the Catholic Church’s praises for showing the tiniest (the very tiniest) bit of humanity toward The Gay. On Monday, we heard the good word that New Pope and pals were talking about maybe talking about being nicer to The Gay, because maybe they are ...
  Sudo Make Me A Sandwich

Jimmy Johns Is Evil. We Mean More Evil.

Oh, there's that, too.
Nobody’s especially surprised to learn that working fast food is, at most places, pretty freaking awful. Low wages, no job security, no benefits, not enough hours, no union, terrible bosses, and all the job satisfaction of working a food assembly line, plus smelling like the fryer when ...
  how is babby formed?

Middle-Aged Wonkette Owner Knocked Up By Stud Underling, Pix Or GTFO

Hi there! Whatcha doing? Being pregnant? WELL I AM. Here is everything you could possibly want to know, and then more stuff you don’t! Who’s the daddy? Who’s YOUR daddy? Just kidding, your daddy is me. My baby’s daddy is Shypixel, who does the web work for this here ...
  But what is he really trying to say?!?

Jerry Brown Will Drown All Your Children

Subtle!
Because it is exactly three weeks to Election Day, it is also the time for desperate candidates who are going to be very sad on Election Day night to whip out the Hail Mary ads because why not? Clearly overcome with the Because Why Not? spirit, Republican millionaire – his nickname is The ...
  Fear Of A Black Ballot

Study: White People, You’re Racist

Scene from several documentaries by Dinesh D'Souza
Here’s some fascinating Social Science Facts for your consideration! A University of Delaware study found that 67% of whites supported voter ID laws — but that support jumped to 73% when the question was accompanied by a photograph of African Americans voting (it was the same 67% ...
  Grimdark Rimrack Gimcracks And Gewgaws

Mitch McConnell Won’t Let Obamacare Do Buttsechs To America Anymore

If you get this you're a Smeghead
Monday night, Mitch McConnell and Alison Lundergan Grimes held their only debate in the race for U.S. Senate for Kentucky, and sure, there were some weird moments, like Grimes continuing to not say whether she voted for Barack Obama, as if that somehow were important, or McConnell’s weird ...
  The Ebola goes in the Ebola goes out

CDC Director ‘Too Busy’ With Ebola Nonsense To Explain Himself To Bill O’Reilly, As If

Please gimme ratings, please gimme ratings
Everyone knows that President Obama is trying to kill us all with Ebola, and he’s puppet-mastering Dr. Tom Frieden, director of the Centers for Disease Control, to make us think that is not the plan, even though it totally is. That’s just a fact. Fortunately, Bill O’Reilly is ...
  Science: What Has It Done For Us?

Paul Ryan Pretty Sure Scientists Too Dumb To Be Sure about Global Warming

It's Banksy, in a canal, with a spray can.
Paul Ryan one-upped the rest of the Republican Party in a debate against his Democratic challenger Monday night. Most R’s have been content to say that they don’t have to express an opinion on the reality of climate change because “I’m not a scientist.” But Paul ...