Last night’s Colbert Report brought us news that it is high time we learn how to figure out if someone is really gay-gay or just pretending to be gay, which is a thing that Steve King (R-Clueless) worries about on the regular. King is worried that since being gay is a “self-professed” kind of thing, there are probably legions of straight people that will go into businesses and pretend to be gay, all in order to get a sweet sweet lawsuit going.
March 9, 2014
Oh my God, you guys, get ready to pack up your sex toys and hobo beans and flee to the Mexican refugee camps, because Real America™ has had ENOUGH with this Marxo-Islamunist bull hockey in Washington, and is coming for your SOULLSSSS.
Girt in the armor of righteousness, but not carrying the AR-15 of the Lord, an estimated* 10 to 30 million nonviolent supporters of Bible-based Constitutional government plan to descend on the nation’s capital on May 16, and hang around until Barack Hussein Obama, Eric Holder, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and the worst RINOs in Congress quit out of embarrassment. Then, as called for in organizer Harry Riley’s understanding of the Constitution, a new President and congressional leadership will Take America Back to, we dunno, 2008? Some time when the president didn’t go around ordering the IRS to hire New Black Panthers to kill our ambassadors at the behest of Vladimir Putin, whenever that was. READ MORE »
So here is one of those stories that you really hope turns out not to be true, but it doesn’t look good: Florida Democrat Alan Grayson has been accused by his wife of having a “history of physical violence,” and a judge has issued a temporary protective injunction against him following an incident Saturday in which she says he shoved her against a door.
Yes, yes, innocent until proven, and they’re getting divorced so tempers run high, and Grayson’s office issued a statement saying that Lolita Grayson’s claims are “absolutely false, completely unfounded, and clearly designed to vilify and harm Congressman Grayson” and also claims that she attacked him. But she’s the one whose filing for a protective order included photos of “large bruises to her left leg and left shoulder.” And we know that judges tend not to just issue protective orders based on a whim; the Orange County Sheriff’s Office is also conducting a domestic violence investigation. So, much though we like Alan Grayson as a politician, it’s looking like this mommyblog may have to shake its head and wonder how somebody we liked so much could turn out to be such a violent asshole, allegedly. READ MORE »
The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams takes Fox News at its word when it says racism isn’t a problem anymore, but that does leave her wondering why 100% of people bitten by police dogs in LA County were black or Latino. So she asks a dog trainer the obvious question: “Is that because we taste better?” You won’t believe the lengths the trainer goes to in trying to make excuses for the blatant racism of a cute little doggie named Walter. But it’s not just dogs — turns out that computers are racist, too. Just see what happens when you google “Why are black people”…
(Also! Jon Stewart uses Polite-But-Firm Dialogue on Jim DeMint! It’s not very effective.)
Like a lot of your rightwing fundagelicals, Michele Bachmann is a big believer in the old Chick tract “Support Your Local Jew,” so she knows that the most important country in the world, next to maybe America, is Israel, because that’s where Jesus will come to end the world. And so if Israel is unhappy about an American policy, that’s not just international politics, that’s an affront to God. Which explains why ol’ Crazy Eyes is especially ticked at American Jews for not recognizing the self-evident truth that Barack Obama is bad for the Jews. You see, Obama went and reached a preliminary nuclear deal with Iran, and then he went and manage to convince Congress not to vote for any new sanctions on Iran while negotiators try to reach a permanent deal. This did not sit well with Michele Bachmann, protector of Israel — in fact, it’s a chaleria that so many Jews voted for the gonif. READ MORE »
We know that there are still many things where some menz have problems/wish there were no ladies, like in combat or on the boys’ football team or whatever. However, we didn’t really think that flying a plane counted as one of those things that was a super-freaky terror time for dudes because flying a plane is not really different for boys and girls. Apparently, though, there is at least one Canadian dude who is very unhappy that a lady touched his plane’s joystick. Huh. We always thought Canada was the tolerant place.
A passenger, who identified himself as “David” left behind a sexist note questioning the credentials of Carey Steacy, a pilot with more than 17 years of experience.
In it, he said “a cockpit is no place for a woman” and that WestJet should inform him if a woman is flying the plane so he can book a different flight.
Looks like the “Barack Obama’s weakness let Ukraine happen” trope has reached its apotheosis with this tweet from Sen. Lindsey Graham, with its inescapable logic: Barack Obama let Benghazi happen, therefore Ukraine. It’s just like that time when Reagan knew that somebody had to pay for the bombing of the Marine barracks in Beirut, so he invaded Grenada to show Hezbollah who’s boss. If Obama had just kicked somebody’s ass — anybody’s — we would surely not have seen Russia trying to reclaim parts of the old Soviet territories. Remember how George W. Bush’s swift vengeance for 9/11 completely dissuaded Vladimir Putin from invading Georgia in 2008? READ MORE »
Earlier this year, the Supreme Court agreed to hear a case about whether Ohio’s False Statement law, which prohibits making false statements about a candidate, is unconstitutional. This has, regrettably, meant that the Cato Institute has weighed in with a brief that they are sure is super-funny and we are sure is non-hilarious dreck.
First, a little bit on the lawsuit itself. The anti-choice advocacy juggernaut Susan B. Anthony List, (SBA) wanted to put up a billboard that said Representative Steven Driehaus, a Democrat,
blows goats voted in favor of taxpayer-funded abortions because he supported Obamacare. Can you spot the problem? Did you answer “Obamacare doesn’t allow for taxpayer-funded abortions?” YOU ARE RIGHT! Pat yourself on the back! But the SBA has a really complicated and tortured reason as to why that doesn’t matter and they should still get their billboard.
We aren’t even sure that it’s news any more when a Republican says that the President of the United States is the worstest most horrible person ever, because that is like printed on GOP letterhead by now, isn’t it? Still, this seems like maybe it’s a new click of the old “He’s not one of us!” hyperbole ratchet, possibly: North Carolina Congressn00b Robert Pittenger has sent out a fundraising letter warning that the POTUS is actually an enemy of the United States of America:
You see, I am already on the front lines, taking seriously my oath of office: to defend the U.S. Constitution — and you and your fellow Americans — against all enemies, foreign and domestic. And for that I am being attacked from all sides, including from my fellow Republicans. My friend, make no mistake, Barack Obama is Enemy Number One!
Is this new? Maybe just a teensy step over the line? Honestly, we think it might actually be a novelty, in that it’s not some blogger somewhere, but an actual member of Congress, the guy who chairs the Congressional Terrorism Task Force, who’s saying not merely that Obama should be impeached, but that he is an actual enemy of the nation, and a worse enemy than, say, al Qaeda. Correct us if we’re wrong, but that feels like a new one. READ MORE »
Good job on this ad, Medical Cannabis Network! It is actually funny! Reader, watch it! If you can’t, here is the SPOILER: We join a swarthy fellow with an Orson Welles mustache who is trying to sell us some black market sushi, and being real shady about it, like “Yo. You want sushi? I got sushi.” Then a woman says “You wouldn’t buy your sushi from this guy,” and you are like “Finally! A safe and confidential means of obtaining sushi!” But you have been fooled because there is a TWIST: The sushi is a metaphor for your filthy cannabis weeds! READ MORE »
So there is this sleazy gossip site, CrazyDaysAndNights.net, and it loves to do blind items, some of which are super made up, and the rest of which are about Robin Thicke banging every lady in the land who is not his wife. Well, they have come out with a new blind item, and then “answered” it, and that blind item says this former reality star loves to get wasted and then go home with a different dude every night, and you guys will never guess what they say the answer is if you did not read the headline above, they say the answer is Bristol Palin! And you know what we say about that? We say GOOD FOR YOU BRISTOL PALIN. Let’s have some Thoughts. READ MORE »
Sometimes we like to check in on what entitled little monster teenagers are up to, and oh dear lord this is the best rotten teenager ever until we find a worse one. Let’s go read about Rachel Canning, who is suing her parents to try to force them to pay for her college tuition. All together now: SHE SEEMS NICE.
A Morris Catholic High School honor student and athlete who claims her parents threw her out of their Lincoln Park home when she turned 18 has taken the highly unusual step of suing them for immediate financial support and to force them to pay for her college education.
Private high school senior Rachel Canning, a cheerleader and lacrosse player who has aspirations to be a biomedical engineer, filed a lawsuit last week in the Family Part of state Superior Court in Morristown [New Jersey] that seeks a judge’s declaration that she is nonemancipated and dependent as a student on her parents for support. [...]
Rachel Canning’s lawyer, Tanya N. Helfand, will ask that parents Sean and Elizabeth Canning, who haven’t paid an outstanding $5,306 Morris Catholic tuition bill, be ordered to settle that debt, pay Rachel’s current living and transportation expenses, and commit an existing college fund to their daughter, who has received acceptance letters from several universities and has to make a decision this spring.
America, it turns out that in addition to knowing the mind of Vladimir Putin so well that she can predict his next move and only be off by five or six years, Sarah Palin also thinks that the big Russian dictator is packing a real wallop in his pants. Especially when compared to the President of the United States, who is a wimpy little 97-pound weakling. Talking with fellow foreign policy wunderkind Sean Hannity on Fox Monday, Palin explained that it’ll take more than Barack Obama’s Low-T feminine wiles to contain that wonderful beast Putin:
“Look, the perception of Obama, of him and his potency across the world is one of such weakness … People are looking at Putin as one who wrestles bears and drills for oil. They look at our president as one who wears mom jeans and equivocates and bloviates.”
It is believed that, immediately following the interview, Lloyd’s of London declared the half-term governor’s panties to be a total loss. READ MORE »
There’s a festive mood in Washington as Republicans in the House of Representatives are getting ready for their 50th vote to repeal/block/defund/delay/waterboard the Affordable Care Act — you just can’t go wrong with the classics, can you? This time around, the proposal (as if it mattered) would “effectively delay the individual mandate for one year by reducing the penalty in 2014 for not buying insurance from $95 to $0.” This variation on killing Obamacare is the brainchild of Kansas Republican Lynn Jenkins, who just wanted her chance to introduce a bill to stop Obamacare too. And since it’s an election year, there still have to be a few of the 232 Republicans who haven’t had a turn introducing a bill to kill the ACA. That’s just math.
What kind of gift do you get for the 50th failing attempt do something, anyway? Gold seems a bit extravagant… Maybe a photocopy of a Goldline ad? READ MORE »