With the disastrous tornado yesterday, and the yelling back and forth between the Editrix and various internet peoples, it’s high time we had some Nice Time! And who better to provide it than His Excellency, Guiding Sun Ray, and Dear Leader Barack H. Obama. At a graduation ceremony to all-male, historically black Morehouse College on Sunday, the Prez once again gave a shout-out to the GLBT community. Straying from his prepared remarks in a very subtle way, Obama said, “Be the best husband to your wife, or your boyfriend, or your partner.”
SEE THAT! I hope you didn’t miss it – it was right there – he says to be the best husband to your partner, meaning gay marriage for everyone! Or at least teh gehys, cause no one wants to force gay marriage on anyone, unless we could find a way for Pat Robertson and Beelzebub to get gay married, because they are already BFF assholes who deserve nothing but contempt and the eternal damnation of listening to Nickelback on endless repeat for all time.
But screw them — back to Nice Time! READ MORE »
You might all be surprised to learn that sometimes at Wonkette our language is, shall we say, less than decorous. You are shocked, we know! But ’tis true! We lovingly let people know they can eat bags of dicks and we never miss an opportunity to remind you that Jim Hoft is the stupidest fucking man on the face of the internet. But you know what we generally do not do, Wongarians? Unlike the illustrious Mr. Pete Santilli, we do not have a radio show where we call for the genital-shooting of people under Secret Service protection, because jesus that is dumb:
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Republican Rep. Jason Chaffetz is sooooooo sick of waiting to impeach President Obama for being black, oops, we mean BENGHAZI!!!!!1! He’s already taken the trip to Libya (hey, he actually knows where Benghazi is, unlike the 39 percent of voters who think it’s the MOST SCANDALOUS SCANDAL EVER but can’t find it on a map). And he’s talked to some of his other Republican friends in the House, and they want to impeach that mean ol’ president too. But damnit, Daddy Boehner won’t let them — yet — and that is sooooooo not fair! Chaffetz wants his impeachment NOW!!!! [stamps feet, pouts] because something something the White House Obama furious spittle stuff!
“They purposefully and willfully misled the American people, and that’s unacceptable,” Chaffetz tells me. “It’s part of a pattern of deception.”
Behind the scenes, he says, House Republicans are frustrated by the White House’s evasiveness, and the calls for impeachment will likely increase.
And and and … they’re out to get him too! At least according to the little voices in his head:
He worries that allies of Obama and former secretary of state Hillary Clinton have inappropriately pressured his sources — and restricted his access. [...]
“The State Department had people watching my every move,” he recalls. “But even as they watched me like a hawk, I was able to see how ill-prepared the embassy was for an attack. There were walls that weren’t very tall, and trees that could be climbed. One of the walls was so low that some people were able to prop up a ladder to dump trash on our embassy’s grounds. I asked one of my guides why that was allowed, and he shook his head and said, ‘Well, I guess we just didn’t want to offend the neighbors.’”
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Your Wonkette is a Very Influential Blog on the Internet, an enviable position that nonetheless carries with it certain afflictions. For example, we often attract the attention of the sorts of folks who probably don’t get invited to many parties, because they are no fun at all. So it came as no surprise that yesterday’s epic rant by your editrix re: the destructive Midwestern tornados drew a response from a website called junkscience.com (Also, these guys, who didn’t care that we were profane but called us “warmist vultures come to feed on the dead.” “Warmist,” haw haw, that’s a clever pejorative for dummies who believe in climate change! Your editrix has instructed us to ask how many of those smug Aussies have their whole family in Oklahoma, 10 miles from Moore, and also to tell them to commit a lewd sex act upon themselves.) (Also also, we got some head-shaking from fellow liberals who thought we were “flippant” instead of OUTRAGED!!!1! So that’s a true shame.)
The “junk science” that junkscience.com claims to “debunk” is what you think it is. No, it will not take long to read their entire post concerning your Wonkette, because it is about 20 words long. Here it is: READ MORE »
Sheldon Whitehouse, the senator from Rhode Island, went on a nice 15 minute tirade about climate change, but he accidentally forgot to tell James Inhofe to eat shit. READ MORE »
(See update at end) Blah blah blah, OF COURSE the meteorologist interviewed on MSNBC says today’s tornado that flattened Moore, Oklahoma, is the biggest tornado in the history of the planet. HE WAS ON MSNBC, DUH.
We have little of consequence to add beyond GENERAL FUCKING OUTRAGE!!!1! that we have BROKEN THE FUCKING WEATHER but Sarah Palin is still posting hilarious Facebook pix, like “SNOW? In ALASKA? Haw haw Al Gore suck my turgid penis!”
Oh, sorry, are we “politicizing” the report that up to 75 kids are trapped under debris in their Moore, Oklahoma, elementary school right now? Eat us. Oh, is the science not totally sure yet about tornadoes and climate change? Well we will just wait until 97 percent of scientists agree, then surely the GOP will get reasonable and stop blaming hurricanes on gay marriage, and we can all save the planet! Also, go fuck yourself. READ MORE »
Good news for the 15% of Americans who make up the Poors: Our elected representatives have done a close reading of
the Constitution the Bible and magnanimously decided that it’s OK to give a few food stamps to poor people so they don’t starve, but not too many. Of course, it was not an open-and-shut case, so it took around nine hours of deliberation to figure this out, including a friendly discussion of Biblical exhortations and their articulation in the 21st-century American context.
Questions under consideration included, but were not limited to, a textual analysis of Matthew 25, epistemological differences on whether we can infer that Biblical mandates– directed at a pre-industrial, pre-modern community of Jews bound by kinship networks and patriarchal instantiations of authority– apply to contemporary institutions devised for the purposes of collective government, and varying interpretations of Matthew 26′s reference to Poors as “always among us” (ew). READ MORE »
Don’t look now, kids, but Virginia has turned the corner and gone nuts. Seriously, it has gone It-Puts-The-Lotion-On-Its-Skin crazy. In just the past week, it has come to light that GOP nominees to state office and elected officials want to: force women who have miscarriages to report it to law enforcement officers; compared Planned Parenthood to the KKK; called out NObama for being a mooslim; shut down transparency; and sold the Governor’s Mansion for some cheap Virginia wine. In an impressive feat, statewide nominees and officials have managed to wage a war on women, blacks, Muslims, transparency, and ethics! That’s enough wars to give Dick Cheney a year-long hard-on! Let’s review the play-by-play, shall we? READ MORE »
Earlier this week, the Heritage Foundation’s political activist arm, Heritage Action, actually gave some sound advice to GOP congressional leadership: “Don’t legislate,” Heritage Action said. We paraphrase: “Just go on ahead and stir up stupid asinine scandals about nothing, you are way better at that stuff.” And for once, your Wonkette wants to go on record as agreeing with Heritage Action. This is because the GOP is not very good at legislating anything other than unconstitutional anti-abortion bills, which we do not like, and cutting taxes on rich people. It’s far better they while away the hours gossiping and pointing fingers at low-level, overworked, underpaid bureaucrats in Cincinnati rather than actually attempting to legislate. It’s just easier for everyone that way. And in case you suspect we are exaggerating, read an excerpt of this hilarious “please stop doing what you are paid to do for everyone’s benefit” letter after the jump. READ MORE »
Here is an important 2014 election update brought to you by AHAHAHAHAHAHA: Michele Bachmann is trailing her Democratic challenger for her House seat by two points, according to a new survey from Public Policy Polling:
The survey…shows Democrat Jim Graves leading Bachmann, a four-term congresswoman and former GOP presidential candidate, 47 percent to 45 percent. The results are within the poll’s 4.4 percentage point margin of error.
This is a pretty humiliating thing, as a Republican, to lose your seat in Minnesota’s most conservative congressional district. Your Wonkette is going to have a drink to, uh, celebrate this thing that has not yet happened and speculate extremely prematurely on what Michele Bachmann might do with her time after her stench is ejected from the landfill known as Congress, for being too foul. Let’s have some ideas, after the jump! READ MORE »
It seems that someone in the Georgia Department of Natural Resources, which runs the state’s parks, decided that if Bibles are good enough for motel rooms, then sure, why not distribute them in the cabins in state parks, too? But then Ed Buckner, the former head of American Atheists, went camping and found a Bible in his state-owned cabin that he rented from a state agency. Because he hates America, he raised a stink about how the Constitution maybe doesn’t allow the State Of Georgia to act like Motel 6, saying that
“When you go into a state park cabin and the only piece of religious literature there is a Protestant Bible, that suggests the government’s endorsed that particular perspective.”
We do not see why he is so upset, though, because as a whole lot of Christians pointed out, when the state provided him with a Protestant Bible in a state-owned cabin, that is not really an endorsement of any particular religious views because nobody forced him to read the Bible, now did they? Needless to say, they would also not consider it a church-state issue if the cabin’s nightstand contained only a Quran instead. We’re pretty sure of that. READ MORE »
Every now and then, Democrats in Congress decide they are going to try to do something good, which will never actually happen, but it makes us feel all warm and glowy inside. Hooray Blue Team:
Democrats in the House and Senate are looking to stop what they say are deceptive advertising practices by anti-abortion health clinics that imply they offer abortion services, but instead encourage birth and promote adoption.
The legislation is aimed at crisis pregnancy centers (CPCs), which are clinics often set up by a church or other anti-abortion groups. Democrats in Congress and other pro-abortion groups say these clinics are known to indicate they can perform abortions in order to attract pregnant women patients, and then try to convince them to carry their babies to term.
The bill, Stop Deceptive Advertising for Women’s Services Act (H.R. 2030), would make it Not Okay to advertise come-to-Jesus centers as health care clinics, because they are not actually health care clinics. What a novel concept! READ MORE »
Hey, anyone remember those silly costumed role-playing Republicans who pretended they were this whole new party of teabaggers, but actually, they were just Republicans? You may vaguely recall Fox News doing non-stop coverage of four or five of them waving misspelled signs in public spaces to prove what a “huge” movement this was going to be, all these cranky old white dudes whining about how their taxes were too high because reverse racism, thanks to President Obama, who actually made their taxes lower, but hey, why split hairs? Yeah. Those guys. The ones whom establishment Republicans welcomed with open arms, only to realize that hey, those mofos be CRAZY.
Well, the tea party will NOT BE IGNORED, DAN, and they are pretty excited to report that all their worst fears have come true:
They say the IRS acknowledgement that it had targeted their groups for extra scrutiny – a claim that tea party activists had made for years – is helping pump new energy into the coalition. And they are trying to use that development, along with the ongoing controversy over the Benghazi, Libya, terrorist attacks and the Justice Department’s secret seizure of journalists’ phone records, to recruit new activists incensed about government overreach.
To the tri-corner hat wholesale outlet, boys! READ MORE »
Now that America is well on its way to being full-on gay homosexual rainbow flag-waving equality-for-all-land, what with state after state after state jumping on the marriage rights bandwagon and the Supreme Court about half a second away from being all, “Nah, dude, you totes can’t have laws that only let some people get married but not others because that is some fucked up repugnant bullshit right there,” it seems there remain a few holdouts. Like in Florida, where some asshole parents plus a jerkwad basketball coach plus the schmuck-faced school board are all so terrified of the Big Gay Menace that is an 18-year-old high school senior who is also — ooooh, scary — a lesbian:
[Kaitlyn] Hunt was a highly respected student at Florida’s Sebastian River High School with good grades and participation in cheerleading, basketball and chorus. She was even voted “most school spirit.”
Sounds terrifying so far, right? But just wait.
All of that changed when she started dating a fellow student, a girl she met on the basketball team, at the beginning of the school year.
Like what, you may ask? Like the coach kicking Kaitlyn off the team to avoid “drama.” Like Kaitlyn’s girlfriend’s not-very-nice parents sending the cops to her home on her 18th birthday to charge her with “two felony counts of lewd and lascivious battery on a child 12 – 16 years of age.” Because being gay is “lewd and lascivious” — you know, if you’re a bigot. And obviously their daughter wouldn’t be gay but for her gay girlfriend. Or something. We don’t quite understand because we are not fluent in either bigot or stupid. READ MORE »