Here have some news n stuff

One Guy In New York Has Ebola So You Can Totally Panic Now

Thanks Obama
That screaming hysteria you hear is the sound of everyone in New York being EXTREMELY TERRIFIED!!! or at least making jokes about being EXTREMELY TERRIFIED!!! because Ebola is real now. (You know the rule: It’s real when it happens in New York. The rest is prologue.) A doctor in New York ...
  strange but true but strange

Sarah Palin Is A Communist RINO Now

Niche lifestyle brand Sarah Palin has endorsed a Democrat in Alaska’s race for governor. Really! Former Gov. Sarah Palin has endorsed gubernatorial candidate Bill Walker. […] “Last night my family, along with Byron and Toni Mallott, and our campaign staff attended a reception hosted by ...
  South Carolina’s a hell of a drug

Gov. Nikki Haley Wants To Arm All The Lady-Beaters, For The Constitution

That's just how freedom works, too bad
Gov. Nikki Haley of South Carolina runs a hell of a state. It’s the kind of state where Stand Your Ground laws don’t apply to victims of domestic violence — because that would be ridiculous! — and it’s still A-OK to let your Confederate freak flag fly because the ...
  No SS For The SS

Senate Dems To Old Nazis: No Social Security For You!

Metaphorical Nazis need not worry
This seems like a probably good idea: Sens. Chuck Schumer and Bob Casey plan to introduce legislation that would cut off Social Security benefits for accused Nazi war criminals. We weren’t actually aware that was a problem, but it turns out that “dozens” of former SS guards ...
  The Five People You Meet In Heaven Are Queer As Folk

Steve King: Dogs May Go To Heaven, Gays Not So Much

The Afterlife Decider
Iowa Congresscantaloupe Steve King has some thoughts on The Gheys, as well as on where you will find them in the afterlife and where you won’t. Sadly, according to King, the odds of Heaven having any really good discotheques are pretty slim, so people who have lived lives of great ...
  Climate Of Distrust

Texas Texbooks Gonna Jesus Away All The Global Warming

Actual image from a fundie website
We told you a while back about some of the fun distortions of American history that have made it into textbooks written to Texas’s terrible history standards, but history isn’t the only subject that goes off into rightwing fantasyland in Texas textbooks. The Washington Post brings ...
  if the manicure's not split you must acquit

Bristol Palin: Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or This Police Audio And These Police Reports?

We have had some fun the past month or so with the Great Palin Mixed-Martial-Arts Demolition Derby Fisticuffs And Book Club High Tea. Well, says Bristol Palin, bruiser, that is simply unfair! You know Bristol is very very serious in her masterpiece, “The Truth about the ‘Palin ...
  your rock and roll fantasy

Screw The Polls, Here’s How Every Democratic Senate Challenger Is Gonna Win

She's got all the goodies
We have told you a bunch of made up reasons why every single endangered incumbent Senate Democratic is actually going to win and Nate Silver can go suck a poll of likely voters. Now let’s examine the Dem candidates for open seats and those challenging vulnerable Republican incumbents. Can we ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Rachel Maddow Explains The Shootings In Ottawa So We Don’t Have To (Video)

Wednesday, a guy with a rifle, Michael Zehaf-Bibeau, went on his own one-man jihad in Ottawa, killing a soldier at the national war memorial and then going into the Parliament building, where he was shot by security before he could harm anyone else; this was the second attack on Canadian ...
  unpossible!

Liberal Lawmaker Owns A Gun AND Favors Gun Control. Impossible!

Do not takesess our precious.
Big scoopy scoop over at The Blaze, Glenn Beck’s online home for his continuing total emotional and mental breakdown now cruising through its – let’s see, how old is Glenn Beck? – its 50th year. Seems Missouri state Sen. Jamilah Nasheed got herself arrested during a protest outside the Ferguson ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Did Bazillionaire Bruce Rauner Bully A Reporter Out Of His Job? Yes. Yes, He Did.

He's just a regular super rich guy who's a total dick
Bruce Rauner, the Republican candidate for Illinois governor, is just a regular guy with a van. Oh, and a $100,000 wine club membership. And some Cayman Islands cash. And a charming disposition, by which we mean he allegedly said of a former employee who was suing him that he’d bury her, ...
  Gag Me With A Ballot

Fox News: Young Women Should Go Find Sexxytimes Online And Leave Democracy To Grownups

If it keeps the terrorists from winning, it's still civic-minded.
Fox News hostroid Kimberly Guilfoyle said Tuesday that America would be a far better place if young women would just please stay home and go do their Twittergrams and Tindermatches instead of cluttering up our elections with all their stupidness. She urged the frivolous young things to avoid ...
  Unskew Kentucky!

Hey, Look At This Extra Money Democrats Found Laying Around For Alison Lundergan Grimes

Yee haw we think maybe?
So there is an election? In, like, two weeks? And it’s sort of important — because ALL elections are important, duh — but there is a very good chance that this election will give Republicans control of the Senate so they can finally finally impeach President Obama, repeal the ...
  Lethal Injunction

WonkiFact: Yep, Rick Scott Delayed Execution For Attorney General’s Campaign Schedule

Now *that's* a logo.
During the second, fan-free debate between former Florida Gov. Charlie Crist* and current Gov. Rick Scott (R-Malfoy Manor) Tuesday night, the accusations flew hot and heavy. One of the more notable exchanges involved the question of whether Gov. Voldemort knowingly delayed a prisoner’s ...
  born to run

Chris Christie Will Win Presidency With New Jersey Charm And Probably Whacking His Opponents

This fucking guy
Human meatball Chris Christie, governor of the Turnpike Exit State, is gearing up for his inevitable presidential run in 2016. Which means giving America a glimpse of that fabulously warm personality type that once made Tony Soprano the most popular murdering sociopath in America. In a speech ...
  i renounced and denounced your mom last night

Green Bay Alderman Will Listen To Citizen Just As Soon As She Isn’t A Terrorist

A nice lady in Green Bay, Wisconsin, wrote her alderman, because she is a good citizen. “Hey,” she wrote, “howsabout some free bus service on Election Day for the poors and democracy and suchlike?” But she wrote it classier because she is not Yr Wonkette. ...
  Only Ten Million Votes Short Of A Heartbeat Away

Let’s All Listen To Track And Bristol Palin, And Laugh And Laugh

Can't be too careful
Update: Additional fun audio at end of post. Thank god for responsive government! We’ve already seen the police reports, and now Anchorage Police have released audio from their interviews with witnesses at the scene of the Great Wasillabilly Rumble. The recordings are a veritable treasure ...
  Ballot Recital

Latino Guy Delivers Absentee Ballots In Arizona. You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next.

It's almost as if he thought he wasn't breaking the law or something!
Finally, the right has incontrovertible evidence of voting fraud! Democrats say it’s rare, but here is the video that proves just how real and scary it is: “Liberal activist caught on video stuffing hundreds of ballots.” Or, from some of the more responsible rightwing sites ...
  It Could Happen

How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not

The first time I set eyes on Nate Silver, I just got that old-fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone him.
It looks like Republicans are probably going to control the Senate next year despite how people don’t like them, according to Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight blog and other respected nerds. In 2012, Silver famously predicted the winner of every Senate race, which was an impressive ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Rachel Maddow: Good For You, Washington State, You’re 50% Smarter Now (Video)

It's really quite simple. Or should be.
Rachel Maddow is delighted — and so are we, because happy Rachel = Happy us — that in the recent Scottish independence referendum, small but substantial numbers of ballots had to be thrown out because they had both “Yes” and “No” marked on the simplest ...
  hey dad I'm in jail

Alabama House Speaker Goin’ To Pokey For Bein’ A Big Ol’ Thief-Man Allegedly

Hey, Alabama House Speaker Mike Hubbard! Whatcha doin’? Oh, getting arrested on 23 counts of felony corruption? Well, that sounds about right. What did you do, steer a whole bunch of fake contracts to yourself and third parties who were really just shell companies for you, while you were ...