Great Protector of Christmas Bill O’Reilly has these tidings of comfort and joy for you, America: Yeah, sure, Jesus fed the poor and he wants people to feed the poor. But is that any reason to feed the poor? In a spirited chat with yes-man priest Fr. Gerald Murray (with easily dismissed contributions from token liberal pastor Joshua DuBois), O’Reilly questioned how far good Christians need to take this whole “feed the poor” shtick anyway:
“The problem I have, as I stated is that you’re helping one group by hurting another group and a bigger group, and so I don’t know if Jesus is going to be down with that.”
DuBois thought maybe Jesus might be down with that, seeing as how private charity only makes up about 10% of what’s needed to feed everyone. Father Murray thought it was RIDICULOSE to think that Jesus would support Big Government, because that’s just silly. “We take care of the poor for spiritual motives,” he said, which presumably means that if government does food stamps, that’s like taking away people’s chance to be all spiritual somehow. READ MORE »
Robert Frost – Nothing Gold Can Stay – The… by poetictouch
Remember when Martin Bashir said he wanted to make poops in Sarah Palin’s mouth? No, he wasn’t trying to be funny. He was very, very MAD! Why did Martin Bashir want to go number two, in Sarah Palin’s mouth? Well, mostly so he could give Wonket commenters about one million chances to explain that there is not any room for more dookie in there (in Sarah Palin’s mouth) because it (Sarah Palin’s mouth) is already quite full of it (dookie)! Oh, and also, he was making a point that no, being in debt to China is not the same as slavery, you ridiculous bad lady. Because in slavery, like in the television documentary “Coven,” some mean slaveowners would actually shit in their slaves’ mouths. It turns out — who knew! — slavery kind of sucked!
Anyway, Martin Bashir has now “resigned,” and poor, put-upon Alec Baldwin has been avenged. READ MORE »
We know how it goes, sometimes you get a little bogged down in your work: that movie review took forever to come together, you forgot that the Tumblr needed to be updated, you had to clean up a lot of pixelly edges when you added Derpy Hooves to yet another photo of a Republican. Things get misplaced in the shuffle sometimes, like your rent check or your kid’s birthday present. Or your kid. Then again, when we screw up at our job, that usually just means that commenters have to wait a while for the next dick joke to drop. If you’re Arizona Child Protective Services and you screw up your job, it looks like this:
Clarence Carter, director of the Department of Economic Security, which oversees CPS, revealed last week that more than 6,000 reports generated by the state’s child abuse hotline hadn’t been investigated since 2009, most in the past 20 months. The CPS plan to clear those reports was released early this week has been widely panned as inadequate and short on specifics.
Gov. Jan Brewer is standing behind Carter, possibly to shield herself from rotten vegetables; she has ordered an “independent investigation” and her office’s spokesman said that “calls for Carter’s resignation have come from largely predictable people,” like pretty much everybody who thinks Child Protective Services should maybe be protecting children. READ MORE »
Oh, golly Barack, we get it, underneath all the policy wonkiness and stiffness and discomfort, you are just a regular guy, aren’t you? Which is why you’re always soundin’ so perfectly natural when you’re droppin’ your g’s. But sure, when you’re fund-raisin’ in Hollywood and sharing the stage with Disney head Robert Iger, why not throw in a “quip” about your everyday ordinary-guy aspirations?
“At least I know what I want to do when I retire … host ESPN SportsCenter’s Top 10 list,” Obama quipped as he turned to Disney’s Robert Iger, whose empire includes ESPN.
The highlights countdown can feature everything from major sports to bull fighting to high school basketball. Other than having a good laugh, Iger apparently didn’t respond.
“Everyone had a good giggle,” says one person who attended.
READ MORE »
Tuesday was another great day for casually talking about how the heck to impeach the president for something something
presidenting while black something. But then, isn’t every day? Of course! But Tuesday was extra special, as a who’s who of congressional derp held a hearing cleverly titled “The President’s Constitutional Duty to Faithfully Execute the Laws.” That’s congressional fancy talk for impeachment.
They didn’t use that word, of course. Republican leaders frown on such labeling because it makes the House majority look, well, crazy.
It is, Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) said from the dais, “the word that we don’t like to say in this committee, and I’m not about to utter here in this particular hearing.”
Well, sure. It would be déclassé and uncouth and simply not done, dahhhhling, to say
impeachment that word at a hearing to talk about impeachment that word, especially when nearly half the Republicans on the committee, plus several of their non-committee pals in the House and the Senate, have openly suggested that wording the president for IRSgate. Or Benghazigate. Or comingforourgunsgate. Or beingblackgate. Like Rep. Trey Radel (R-Rehab), who wanted to that word the president for, um, gun stuff. And Rep. Steve Stockman — whom Dana Milbank describes as “exotic,” which makes us want to drink lots of bleach — has been passing impeachment notes in class for attacking his gun freedoms. READ MORE »
We are in the wrong bidness. For serious, we thought that blogging meant we could be drunk all the time (check), work in our pajamas (check), and rant semi-coherently with terible grammer (check and check). BUT YOU GUYS, we are officially quitting and joining the State Department, because you gotta see their benefits.
As the government shutdown neared, the State Department splurged on $180,000 worth of liquor. Booze. Mommyblogger’s little helper. Whatever you want to call it. And that’s only PART of their liquor total for the year, which topped $400,000. Fuck this blogging shit — we are moving to Foggy Bottom to live the good life with Secretary Kerry. READ MORE »
Oh, golly, Old Handsome Joe… You know, we get you, but not everybody gets you. You understand we literally love you to death, but sometimes, you sort of literally put your foot in your mouth? Like during this meeting with five women at Japanese internet concern DeNA, where you asked the three married gals, “Do your husbands like you working full time?” We get what you meant, of course — the White House pool report said that the point of the visit was to emphasize “the need to integrate more women in the workforce,” and so the question was aimed at showing that family and work aren’t incompatible, but that’s not how it came out, exactly.
We’re pretty sure U.S.-Japan relations won’t be set back too badly; after all, this is a country that’s more accustomed to having American Presidents vomiting on their prime minister.
But for god’s sake, Joe, don’t bring up that awesome “Meet Asian Women” ad you saw on Wonkette, OK?
Today on “Fun With Grammar,” let’s take a look at an old favorite, the political passive voice. The great thing about the passive voice, as we all know, is that you can say stuff happened without actually saying who did that stuff, the classic example being “Mistakes were made.” And now, here’s everyone’s favorite kitten-chomper Dick Cheney, explaining how he was shocked, shocked by something that happened without anyone in particular doing it:
“We were surprised that there was an attack launched against Liz on Facebook, and wished it hadn’t happened,” Cheney said Tuesday at the National Press Club, as quoted by ABC News. “It’s always been dealt with within the context of the family and frankly that’s our preference.”
Damn that Facebook and its complicity in that attack by (someone)! Gosh, if only we knew whose name would have to go in an active voice version of that sentence. Ah well, guess we will never (MARY CHENEY YOUR OWN DAUGHTER YOU BASTARD!) know. READ MORE »
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker is one of those Republican thought leaders who’s been saying that his party really needs to do a better job of reaching out to minority voters. That would probably be a lot easier if he didn’t have to keep firing his own aides for saying racist stuff on the social media, like his campaign’s deputy finance director Taylor Palmisano, who got canned Tuesday after the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel found those charming tweets, which she’d sent in 2011:
“I will choke that illegal mex cleaning in the library. Stop banging (expletive) chairs around and turn off your Walkman,” she posted on March 9, 2011.
Two months earlier, she went to Twitter to write about her bus trip from Pasadena, Calif., to Las Vegas after watching the Wisconsin Badgers play in the Rose Bowl: “This bus is my worst (expletive) nightmare Nobody speaks English & these ppl dont know how 2 control their kids #only3morehours #illegalaliens.”
You can pretty much imagine people coming to her defense — hey, 2011 was a long time ago, before Republicans even knew that they’d have to stop being racist in public! She was only 21 at the time, she’s probably matured a whole bunch since then. Besides, why would Walker want to get rid of someone with the magical ability to tell whether the Mexes around her were illegal just by looking at them? READ MORE »
Would you believe we have another New Pope Does Awesome Thing story? Of course we do. We are totally gonna have to do a “Today in Pope” every freaking day to keep up with this guy. So the new thing: There’s a pretty good chance that Pope Francis has been sneaking out of the Vatican at night to do some plainclothes ministering to homeless people in Rome. The rumors got started with some comments from Archbishop Konrad Krajewski, who has the wonderfully steampunk-sounding title “Almoner of His Holiness,” (sez here that’s a “little-known post that dates back to the 13th century that involves distributing money from the Holy See to the poor and marginalized”). Krajewski said, “When I say to him ‘I’m going out into the city this evening’, there’s the constant risk that he will come with me,” but when asked directly if Francis ever actually taged along, he just smiled and said “Next question.” Oooh, mysterious!
And then yesterday, HuffPo heard from a “knowledgable source in Rome” — Fr. Guido Sarducci? — that “Swiss guards confirmed that the pope has ventured out at night, dressed as a regular priest, to meet with homeless men and women.”
That there is a man who likes his job, sounds like to us. READ MORE »
Fantastic news for any masochists who live day to day on the edge where nostalgia for tokens of their childhoods get perverted by the forces of capitalism: Peanuts is getting into bed with the conservative book publisher Regnery in a five-year licensing deal to release books about American history, government and civics under the country’s Little Patriot Press imprint.
Regnery has actually been in the childrens’ book market for some time with Regnery Kids, the imprint responsible for such atrocities as Callista Gingrich’s yiffing fantasy series of illustrated tales about Ellis the Elephant and his adventures in teaching pinko commies why America is the greatest, bestest country that has ever been. You probably didn’t read it because you are a terrible American who would rather suffer under the crushing bootheel of socialism while you fellate Fidel Castro’s limp, dessicated Cuban “cigar” (penis). Little Patriot has its own series of kids’ books that seem to feature anthropomorphized mice teaching kids about the White House, Congress, and presidential pets. We’re sorry we didn’t hear about this before we bought our nephews those Batman and Jake and the Neverland Pirates toys for Hanukkah.
Here’s a new squirmish in the Culture Wars: A businessman in Virginia has dropped his sponsorship of a pro golfer because he’s not all that crazy about the golfer’s political and religious views. The business guy, Brian McMahon, had been sponsoring golfer Jeff Cochran for almost a year to promote McMahon’s Nebraska Golf Card (NGC) business, one of those discount-card things, but McMahon, an atheist, terminated the business relationship after talking with Cochran and learning that he was a big fan of Glenn Beck, Ted Cruz, and Cruz’s bugfuck-crazy father, Raphael Cruz. Even worse, McMahon said mean things about Jesus and Christians and Ted Cruz, and even insulted Glenn Beck!
Hey, fair enough, that’s how sponsorship works, right? Or maybe it’s… religious discrimination!?!? READ MORE »
John Rocker, he’s this guy. You remember him from being a balls-out racist, and maybe from those times he writed very important columns full of very big words, at the Internet Repository for Washed-Up Lunatics, WND. Well, now he has more things to say, and those things are that he is way more awesomer than that dumb jerk — oh, we’re sorry, “draft dodging Muslim” — Muhammad Ali.
Greetings from Wonkette’s brand new Bunker O’ Love, the underground safe room on our Idaho compound where we go to write about guns, gun accessories, and how they have made America great. Today, we have several tales of Great Americans using their guns for personal protection while keeping them in reserve to rise up against the oppressive Federal Government Tyranny that is right around the corner. Let’s see what America’s responsible gun owners are up to this week! READ MORE »
Hey bitchez. Whatcha doin’? Being stupid bitches? That sounds about right. Here, for instance, is a documentary prepared by some cool guy at whoever does the in-house documentaries for the DC Metro public transportation system, which everyone loves very much, and it is all about how their buses only break down every 8,000 miles, so give them a medal please. Also it is about ladies, and how they are so dumb.
We found some of their other advertisements, to be coming soon to a derelict-filled bus stop near you: