It's on his hat

Republicans Plotting To Take Away Your Freedom To Make America Great Again

Everyone knows the Demoncrat Party is the party of Latino vote frauding and election rigging — usually with mind control. So here’s a neat twist! This time, it’s Republicans who want to rig the next election in a certain way, and that way is to keep the name DONALD J. TRUMP off their primary ballots: Amid mounting concerns about Donald Trump’s candidacy from the GOP establishment, Republican leaders in at least two states have found a way to make life a lot harder for him. ...
  do not pass go

Bernie Fans And Republicans Agree: Hillary Clinton Should Drop Out NOW!

Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton's real face, we guess.
Oh look, it is another extremely meaningful poll to tell us the extremely meaningful things about what might happen if the 2016 election were held today, even though it’s not going to be held for (hold on, back-of-the-napkin calculations happening) at least eleventy thousand more days. Considering how Hillary Clinton is probably a ginormous email criminal, who insists on changing her email address every single time she fires up a new AOL free trial CD-ROM, should she drop out of the ...
  God hates literary experiences

Duke Freshman Snowflake Babies Pretty Sure Mom Said No Reading Books About Lesbians

And this time, they brought Jesus.
Hating on millennial snowflakes and conservative Christian whiners at the same time? SIGN US UP! So here is a story from the 8th-ranked-in-the-nation Duke University, where, IN THEORY, idiots aren’t allowed to study. Every year, Duke picks a book for all the new kiddies to read, as part of the Duke Common Experience Program, which “is designed to give incoming students a shared intellectual experience with other members of their class.” Because “I just finished ...
  Are Your Kids Getting Enough Exorcise?

Illinois Bishop Has Godly Plan To Keep Gay Cooties Out Of Schools

Non-Sex-Having Man Wearing Dress Wants To Lecture You On Sexual Norms
In an attempt to clamp down on all the rampant sin in Springfield, Illinois, the local Catholic diocese is planning to rid its schools of the offspring of homosexxxicans. Also, for the sake of insisting that they’re not bigots, the schools will aim to weed out kids whose parents aren’t “living in accord with church teaching.” Parents are not required to actually be Catholic, but they darn well better do sex like Catholics are supposed to, according to a new ...
  Mad About A Thing

Jeb Bush Doesn’t Know Dick About Women’s Healthcare

So this happened: Don’t believe it? See for yourselves: Perhaps Jeb Bush, who proudly slashed Florida’s funding of women’s healthcare when he was the state’s governor and redirected it to crisis pregnancy centers, which do not provide healthcare services, would like to clarify precisely what he means by “women’s health issues.”   He certainly doesn’t mean sex education, because he wasted tax dollars on abstinence-only programs, which do ...
  Oooh snap!

Donald Trump Finds New Creative Way To Pick On Poor Stupid Jeb Bush

The true face of feminism.
We are having ourselves a glorious time watching Donald Trump beat the ever-lovin’ guano out of “low energy” weak-ass whimpering coward man-child Jeb Bush, are we not? It’s enough to make you almost feel sorry for poor Jeb, who has proven that he is so jaw-dropping terrible at running for president, we have collectively agreed that drooling idiot Big Brother Dubya, who sometimes forgets to chew his food before he swallows it, is the smart one after all. It is such a ...
  So That's What's The Matter With Kansas

Kansas School Murders Jesus In Front Of The Children

It may not have this been this exact painting.
A Kansas middle school has removed a painting of Jesus from a hallway where it had hung for several decades, throwing the entire town into a tizzy that may, if it does not abate soon, blossom into a full-on kerfuffle. The painting, at Royster Middle School in Chanute, was removed after the school district received a complaint from the Freedom From Religion Foundation; the district’s lawyer, who apparently knows a thing or two about law, advised Superintendent Richard Proffitt that the ...
  There Are Democrats Running This Year Too!

Hey, What’s Up With The 2016 Democrats?

Three Dems, One Cup
With all the Republicans trying their best to beat the crap out of each other, you have to feel a little bad for the Democrats, who have generally been like the well-behaved kids who are trying to have a thoughtful talk about important Calculus Club business in one corner of the cafeteria while everyone’s paying attention to the brawl over by the snack machine, where the little brother of the quarterback from several seasons ago is getting a wedgie from that obnoxious guy with the ...
  Throwing up all over ourselves now

Bill Cosby Knows Media Only Calls Him A Rapist Because He’s Black, Also A Rapist

Our thoughts exactly
It has come to this. After 50 women — that’s right, five-ohhhhh — have accused Bill Cosby of sexual assault and rape, Team Cosby has decided it is time for a whole new approach to defending The Cos in the court of public opinion: Bill Cosby is claiming that he’s the victim of racism and a witch hunt after scores of women came forward claiming the disgraced comedian secretly plied them with drugs and raped them. […] Cosby’s team will insist he’s been targeted because ...
  You don't understand his racism AT ALL

Jeb Bush Only Meant To Do Racism To Chinese Indians, Not Messicans Like Columba

Just Jeb!
Jeb Bush is still having a hard time figuring out a good name to call the Bad Brown Americans, and he still doesn’t understand why he’s not supposed to say “anchor baby.” Even though he clearly asked the media to please give him some good ideas for what to call the browns, but they’re no help. His Messican wife Columba, one of the Good Brown Americans, probably isn’t any help either, because she knows when her husband says racism against her people, ...
  Application denied

No, Scott Walker, You Cannot Write For Wonkette

Oh gosh and golly and gee whiz, are we so flattered! Look who is obviously trying out to be a words-blogger for this here mommyblog recipe hub with dick jokes, Yr Wonkette! We certainly do like the use of “lady patriots.” It sounds very much like a thing what we would write! Like the time we wrote about Lady-Americans who are saving so much money on their slut pills. Or when we wrote about Rand Paul being a dick to a lady reporter. Or when we LOL’d at that lady lawmaker in ...
  Dope and change

We Are All Junkie Heroin Dope Fiend Smackheads Now, Thanks Obama

Resting rage face Gov. Chris Christie — who is not going to be president; hell, he’ll be lucky if he makes the cut for the next debate — has a new ad. And yes, it is mildly amusing in its near-but-not-quite completeness of the Oogly Boogly Checklist Of Oogly Boogly Words That Make Republicans Wet Themselves: Lawlessness [check] in America and around the world under Barack Obama [check]. Sanctuary cities [check] engulfing Americans in crime [check]. Drugs [check] running ...
  Mom burns

Donald Trump To Jeb Bush: YOUR MOM!

Smile and remember you're not good enough, son.
Oh, now this is just sad, even sadder than the last time we said something was sad about Jeb Bush, like last week. Donald Trump has noticed that Barbara Bush doesn’t seem to be be all that jazzed about being Jeb Bush’s mom, and Trump’s using it against him. Trump’s new ad is just an interview with Mother Superior, where in response to “Would you like to see him run?” she simply says, “No, I really don’t. I think it’s a great country, ...
  Cakes We Don't Like

Gay-Hatin’ Oregon Bakers Send Love Cakes To Homos, Tell Them They’re Going To Hell

The Love is a Lie
You probably remember the sad story of Aaron and Melissa Klein, the Oregon bakers who refused to bake a penis cake for a lesbian wedding a couple of years back, then were forced to close their bakery by the state of Oregon Free Market, and were eventually told to pay $135,000 in damages to the couple for believing in God breaking the state’s anti-discrimination laws (way to create a martyr, there, Oregon). All because they didn’t want to compromise their God-given right to ...

You’re Off The Hook, China. Pat Robertson Says Stock Markets Crashing Because Of Abortion

God's financial analyst.
Just like all U.S. Americans, Pat Robertson woke up Monday morning to news that the stock market is kinda batshit right now. It’s plunging! Then rallying, kind of! Then dipping again! By the time you read this, only Jesus knows what it’ll be doing, which is why Grandpa Pat takes comfort in What A Friend He Has In Jesus. Now, you might have gotten on the internet and Googled, “Why the hell is the stock market being bad?” And you might have found articles like this ...
  They Could Have Been Heroes Just For One Day

Fox News Knows Obama Personally Ordered Terrorist To Ride That French Train

How a normal network might report the story
There’s an awful lot to be happy about in the story of the three vacationing Americans, a British executive, and a French passenger who overpowered a would-be terrorist on a high-speed train Friday. Nobody got killed, and even the two people who were slashed by the bad guy’s knife are going to be fine. On Monday, four of the hero passengers were awarded France’s highest civilian medal, the Legion d’Honneur. So: a whole lot of good to say about the decency and heroism ...