Wonket Weekend Roundup: Stories You Should Check Out Because Somehow You Don’t Read Everything

  In Case You Missed it
Oh, I gotta share this... and this...
It is Saturday — if you didn’t notice, and are still in the office, that is why it’s so quiet near your cubicle — and so it’s time once again for our weekly Best Of The Wonkets, or at least our weekly Most Shared on the Facebooks of the Wonkets, which we figure has ...

Another Missouri Cop Shares His Thoughts On Ferguson, Gets Suspended

  Facebook Once More Proves Its Value As A Moron Detector
This is not the protester you're looking for
You good folks will almost certainly be astonished to learn that another Missouri cop has been suspended after sharing his only slightly racist ideas about what it means to “Protect and Serve” the community. Or maybe just the white community, which is what matters after all. Just ...

Conservatives Cranking Terror Alert Level Up To OMG! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!

  things that go bump in the night
Wonketteers, we do not wish to alarm you about the threat from ISIS, but you should be SHITTING YOUR PANTS IN TERROR BECAUSE THEY ARE COMING FOR YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVERY LOVED. Or at least that seems to be the conservative talking point for the week after the tragic beheading of ...

Stupidest Man On Internet Declares Victory Over Liberal Media, Who Stopped Covering Ferguson Because Of Him

  Serious Investigation Is Serious
Go home, everyone.
The Stupidest Man on the Internet, Jim Hoft, is a resident of St. Louis, Missouri, which is why he calls himself “The Gateway Pundit” (for the longest time, we thought it was a reference to the brand of computer he used). And as a Local Expert, Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the ...

Rachel Maddow Schools Police On How To Not Look Awfully Suspicious When They Kill Someone (Video)

  What's Goin' On?
Rachel, we love you!
Thursday night, Wonkette’s not-so-secret nerdcrush object Rachel Maddow – a fan of Yr Wonkette, of course – compared the post-shooting communications strategies of two police departments. First, the story of Kajiene Powell, shot to death by police in St. Louis on Tuesday in ...

St. Louis County PD Finally Releases Michael Brown Shooting Report. It Is Very Concise.

  Our Nada Who Art In Nada
Gahan Wilson is a god
After 13 days, we finally have the official incident report on the shooting of Michael Brown, written in exhaustive detail by the St. Louis County Police Department after the Ferguson PD turned the investigation over to them. The document should answer all of your questions about the incident, ...

White House Offers Sweet New Accommodation For Slut Pill-Haters, That Should Fix It

Damnit. Damn IT. DAMN IT!!! The Obama administration announced on Friday a new accommodation for religious non-profits that object to covering the full range of contraceptives in their employee health care plans. The new accommodation will allow religious non-profits, such as Catholic schools ...

Congressional Candidate Will Protect Arizona From Ebola-Ridden Immigrant Kids, Sharknados

  Be Afraid. Be More Afraid.
The documentary that changed Tobin's life
Arizona’s primary election is next Tuesday, and the final days of the campaign are bringing out the crazy. Like the early days did, for that matter. And stepping up to the challenge in the District 1 Republican congressional primary is Andy Tobin, the speaker of the state House, who ...

Jesus-Approved Sexytime Turns Happy Virgin Men Into Sad Confused Husbands

  Purity Brawl
Somehow, I'd never seen this gif
Now here’s a shocker: A new study finds that men who make “virginity pledges” get plenty of “social support to abstain from sex before the wedding night,” but once they get married, they no longer feel comfortable talking about all that sex they’re finally ...

Want To Read Ferguson Police Report On Michael Brown Shooting? Bummer, There Isn’t One

  The dog ate their homework
Maybe they're just really slow typists
In the nearly two weeks since Officer Darren Wilson killed unarmed pot-smoking gang-sign-flashing teenager Michael Brown, residents of Ferguson and of St. Louis County and of Missouri and of the entire world, basically, have been demanding answers to some pretty basic questions, including ...

HI-larious Irish Marriage Equality Ad Warns Of The Coming Gaypocalypse

  28 Gays Later
Night of the Loving Dread?
This terribly cute promo for the LGBT Noise March in Dublin, scheduled for this Sunday, riffs on horror movie themes, presenting the videotaped testament of John and Mary, hetero survivors of the Gaypocalypse, who have barricaded themselves inside their home ever since the legalization of ...

Police Officer Learns Not To Share Every Racist Thought He Has About Ferguson

  tales of a social media nothing
If you are a cop who has been working in Ferguson for the last couple of weeks, you have already engaged in some egregiously stupid shit. Might we suggest you not compound your already-monstrous civil action liabilities by using your Twitter accounts to lie about the ongoing protests or yap ...

Sore Loser Mitt Romney Is Still Sore Loser, Lesbian Feminists Will Destroy Us All, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

  Your morning cup of wut?
Still not president
Yes, it’s Friday. You’re welcome. Sore loser Mitt Romney is still sore loser: “I was not a big fan of the president’s policies, as you know, either domestically or internationally,” Romney said, according to Fox News. “But the results of his mistakes and errors, in my opinion, have ...

Here, We ‘Found’ Some Tweets You Might Like

  They fell off a truck
No we don't mind if we help ourselves
Back by popular demand, other people’s words we enjoyed. You can enjoy them too. We won’t even charge you. Yep. Thanks, WaPo! Here’s an idea: Geeeeenyus: All together now: awwwwwwwww. Perfection: RIP, America: From our very own Yr Doktor Zoom: What were some of your favorites today?

Minnesota GOP Kicks GOP Supreme Court Candidate Out Of State Fair

  May boil rabbit later
Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
The Minnesota GOP really seems to be trying to say something to Michelle MacDonald, its own endorsed candidate for the state Supreme Court. But what could it be? Tell us more, Minneapolis City Pages! Michael Brodkorb reports MacDonald was informed yesterday by party chair Keith Downey that ...

Rick Santorum Has Sexxy Advice For Barack Obama: Stop Being Pathetic About Iraq

  Serial Loser Says What?
On Monday, Rick Santorum dropped by the Family Research Council’s “Washington Watch” radio program, and he shared some of his foreign policy expertise with host and FRC head Tony Perkins. A couple of insights: Iraq is a mess because Barack Obama failed to strong-arm Iraqi ...

Nixon Withdraws Troops, To Begin Peace Negotiations With Kansas

  Tin Soldiers and Nixon's Leaving
Good news, y’all! Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon’s secret plan to win the peace in Ferguson worked — we guess because on Wednesday night, there were no mass arrests of Holocaust survivors and reporters, and no cops threatening to kill people — so it’s time to Bring Them ...

Mark Fuhrman – Yes, MARK FUHRMAN! – Will Now Speculate At You About Michael Brown

Yep, this happened.
Where in America can a retrograde, humiliated racist cop go for redemption 20 years after being cast out of decent society? Why, to Fox News of course! Which is lucky for Mark Fuhrman, infamous fuck-up from the O.J. Simpson trial of the mid-1990s. Otherwise he would be living a life of quiet ...

Godly Christian Girl Just Got FEMA Camped For Saying ‘Bless You,’ Thanks Obama

  No Godly Speaking -- Ever!
Ever notice how 'inspired' and 'insipid' are almost the same word?
Man the Prayer Sirens and rev up the VictimMobile — another Christian is being oppressed at the hands of an out-of-control secularist teacher! Maybe. The brouhaha in Dyer County, Tennessee, all started when something happened in high school senior Kendra Turner’s class, and she ...

Bill O’Reilly Interrupts Vacation To Win Wingnut Bingo, Michael Brown Edition

  Who smells another Peabody for Mr. O'Reilly?
You can't handle the derp
Bill O’Reilly took a break from sexphoning women with his fantasies of falafelling them in the shower, or whatever the heck he does for downtime, to let his viewers know he is “furious — furious!” about the unfair and unbalanced media coverage of the killing of Michael ...

Missouri Councilman Apologizes For Racist Facebook Posts, Blames GOP Peer Pressure

  Sokath His Eyes Uncovered!
All the cool kids were doing it
Remember the olden times (2008-2014) when low-level Republican officials got in hot water for emailing pics of Obama as a chimp, or the White House with a watermelon patch out front? Those were heady days, back then. But now, in today’s more enlightened times, when jokes about Obama being ...

Eric Holder Will Save Captain Ron’s Marriage So He Can Keep Saving Ferguson

  paging captain ron
Attorney General Eric Holder spent Wednesday checking on the progress of Barack Obama’s tyrannical federal takeover of Missouri, and while he was there, he had what we assume is a totally coincidental path-crossing with Ron Johnson, captain of the State Highway Patrol and Guy Who’s ...