Here have some news n stuff

Family Values Guy Says Gays Can’t Get Married Because His Daughter’s Period Grossed Him Out

But whose role is it to explain that daddy's a schmuck?
There are many reasons why gay marriage is “bad,” and they are each and every one of them wrong. But this, from David Fowler, the head of Family Action Council of Tennessee (FACT) and a former state senator, is HI-lariously terrible: David Fowler’s daughter went into the bathroom and never came back out. He sent his wife in to investigate and was later told his daughter had begun menstruation. “For me, at the time, it was a relief my wife was there to handle a ...
  It could happen to anyone

Pat Robertson: It’s Cool If Your Husband Gets Drunk And Blows That Guy Just The One Time

Mark your calendars, kids, because today is one of those rare occasions when we are shocked and awed by scamster televangelist and occasional speed demon Pat Robertson. Usually, we find his half-cocked-and-mostly-senile word meanderings predictably amusing, but darn it if that silly fella doesn’t keep us on our toes, by sometimes saying things we would never have expected. Like the advice he offers to Caroline, who wants to know what to do about her husband gay-cheating on her: My ...
  Maybe THIS will work

Now Rand Paul Wants Congress To Find Dirt On Hillary Clinton For Him

On to Plan B. Or C. Or D. Or ...
This is just getting sad. After promising A Big Reveal in the coming weeks about how the Clinton Foundation did Something Bad, only to beg the internet to try to find some Something Bad stuff and fax it to him please, now Rand Paul wants Congress to do his opposition research for him: Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) on Monday called for a congressional investigation into whether donations to the Clinton Foundation influenced Hillary Clinton’s conduct while leading the State Department. “I’ve talked ...
  Maybe THIS will work

Creflo Dollar Knows Real Reason He Didn’t Get His Private Jet. Spoiler Alert: It’s Demons.

Your favorite megachurch megalomaniac is back, y’all! And this time he’s tracked down the demonic powers who are keeping him from everlasting salvation and also too maybe a private luxury jet. Teevee person Creflo Dollar was the pastor who solicited his parishioners in March for a $65 million flying Ferrari. But don’t think for a second that Creflo wanted that space age private jet for personal gain! He just wanted to use the Gulfstream’s minuscule carrying capacity ...
  Trigger warning for GWB

George W. Bush Emerges From Spider Hole To Trash-Talk Obama’s Middle East Strategy. Really.

Fuck this guy
Ever since leaving the White House, the worst president in America’s history has mostly kept his stumbling idiot wordhole shut, because he is a man of integrity, and he would never stoop so low as to criticize President Obama, as he explained in 2009: “I’m not going to spend my time criticizing him. There are plenty of critics in the arena,” Bush said. “He deserves my silence.” Instead, as always, he’s left the dirty work to all of his bestest buds, like Dick Cheney and Dana ...
  Molotov!

Loretta Lynch Is Finally Your New Attorney General, IMPEACH!

Now the evil scheming begins
Well, that wasn’t so hard! After waiting for a nearly record-setting 166 days to be confirmed, Loretta Lynch was finally sworn in as U.S. Attorney General by Vice President Joe Biden, who presumably saved his congratulatory groping for after the ceremony. Lynch thanked her friends and family, and President Obama, and her colleagues at the Justice Department, and the Democratic senators who’d stood by her while she waited … and waited … and waited … and waited ...
  the devil made me do it

Gay-Hating Oregon Cake Bakers: Satan Cancelled Our GoFundMe! (No, Not Kidding)

True fact. And she loved cake.
So, these fuckers, you might remember them. Aaron and Melissa Klein had a business in Gresham, Oregon, called “Sweet Cakes By Melissa,” which was a purveyor of sweet cakes, obviously, and is definitely not a veiled reference to Melissa’s piping hot rack. And of course, they have Beliefs. Very, very important Christian beliefs, the kind which are Sincerely Held, and are centered around hating gays. So, same old story, a gay couple wanted a cake for their wedding, gross ...
  This again

Surprise, Baltimore Police Are Pretty Much Constantly Beating And Paralyzing People

The city of Baltimore is enraged this week, after the arrest and subsequent suspicious death of a young African-American man name Freddie Gray, while he was in police custody. Details are hazy at this point as to what exactly happened, but this is what we know. Baltimore cops were patrolling on bikes in an area that was “known for drug dealing,” and Gray ran away from them. By the time they caught up to Gray and arrested him, as can be seen in video footage, he was shouting that ...
  And everyone learned an important lesson that day

Rich Gay Republicans Very Sorry For Not Knowing Ted Cruz Is An A-Hole

Know your bigots
Last week we learned that while Ted Cruz is very No Homo, he’s quite curious about experimenting with gay bucks. Which is why he attended a Manhattan soirée hosted by (in)famous hotelier businessgays Ian Reisner and Mati Weiderpass, to mention that some of his best donors are gay and also, he would love his daughters even if they turned out to be lesbians (although whether he’d attend their lesbian weddings is still in question). Cruz later assured his fellow bigot supporters ...
  but if you outlaw baloney only outlaws will have baloney

Heroic Maine Governor Paul LePage Stops Poors From Bogarting The Baloney Slices

Gee willikers golly Jeebus on a cracker, the states of this union are stepping up their game in the eternal contest to see who can fuck the poors with the least amount of lube. If you know Maine’s governor, Paul LePage, you won’t be surprised to hear that his entry into the Fuck The Poors contest is a doozy! Yes, it’s time for another list of Prohibited Poor People Food Theater, everyone follow along closely, because it is stupid and confusing, and it shows the lengths ...
  The Geek-Farmer Alliance Is Here At Last

Brave New Tractor: John Deere And General Motors Pretty Sure They Own All Your Stuff

True fact: chineseposters.net is almost as addictive as TV Tropes. Also, those are some weirdly-proportioned babbies.
You might think you own your car, but depending on how much computery stuff is built into it — and in today’s modern times of today, that’s all of it, Katie — your name might be on the title, but as far as the manufacturers are concerned, you’re mostly the registered software user of the vehicle, which is built around code that you do not own. It’s a thrilling new world of intellectual property fights, being played out at the US Copyright Office and ...
  Mayor For Life

Corrupt Missouri Town Locks Out New Black Lady Mayor. No, A Different Corrupt Missouri Town

you didn't say the secret word
Congratulations, people of Kinloch, Missouri! You found someone willing to undertake the thankless job of small town mayor and you gave her the most votes. But who knew the difficulty of a campaign would pale in comparison to trying to physically enter Kinloch City Hall. On April 7, Betty McCray won an election for the tiny 300 person town with a vote count of 38-18. Yet when she showed up to her first day of work this past Thursday, city hall’s door was locked. And no one left a key ...
  Here have some news n stuff

President Barry H. Bamz Obama: ‘F*ck It’

Saturday night was Nerd Prom again, the annual gathering of Republican and Democratic politicians and the Very Serious Journalists who are supposed to be fourth estating them, all dressed up fancy-like and putting their conflicts of interest and differences of opinion aside at the White House Correspondents Dinner, which is The Most Important A-List Event Of The Year. (So important, in fact, that this year, CNN outright stated you can look up other news on the interwebs because NOTHING tops ...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: This One’s About Vaccines And Vaginas!

Vacation plan: Clean apartment, finish reading that Twain biography. Vacation reality: Booze & MLP fanfic
Oh, Wonkers, we have some beautiful deletia for you this week! Looks to us like some people have really been working overtime in the Derp Mines to bring us this fine assortment of stupidity. For starters, we have this thought-provoking bit of turnabout from “John Smith” (Real name: “Bob Johnson”), who understands that Bobby Jindal just wants to protect Liberty from the homos. Just think about this — would you libs really be so hot on forcing Christians to ...
  Sunday Gossip Hour

It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Sit Next To Each Other And Talk Sh*t About People

Gossiping cat has thoughts to share.
Happy Sunday, Wonketariat! We hope this love note finds you fat and happy. We should take a moment before we go get ACTUAL brunch, to do internet brunch gossip about the Most Popular Stories of the week. You all were all over the place this week, with your favorites! But first, since your Wonkette loves you, and you love your Wonkette, if these stories make you happy (or if they make you want to throw all your precious TruckNutz at the wall in rage) you should go ahead and drop $5 in the ...
  this is the law in these here parts

Racism Is Just As Imaginary As Climate Change! Your Florida Roundup

The new Sheriff Joe?
It’s time for your weekly Florida news, is everybody ready? Let’s do this! Let This Nice White Man Teach Y’all How To Be Black David Morgan, the sheriff of Escambia County — an illiterate hickberg on the westernmost edge of the Panhandle that should really be part of Alabama, but we keep it because Alabama doesn’t want it either — is a white man who has some Very Deep Thoughts™ about racism and why it does not exist. You see, some white people voted for Barack Obama, so ...
  When you lie upon a star...

The Snake Oil Bulletin: It Sure Is Tough To Know Whether Or Not You’ve Had Brain Cancer

Extree! Extree! Step right up for your weekly dose of flim-flam and phooey, your beloved Snake Oil Bulletin! For today’s edition, we have a few follow-ups to previous stories we’ve covered. So pull up a seat, pour yourself a heaping cup of coffee for your enema, and let’s dive right into today’s selection with the return of Belle Gibson. Lying Liar Belle Gibson Admits She Lied A Whole Big Bag of Lies Here’s a shocker to rock the foundation of everything you ...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin So Mad Obama Won’t Stop Murdering The African Christians

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
On this week’s Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, Sarah Palin provides further evidence that news travels to Alaska via dogsled, paddlewheel steamers, and three-eyed ravens. We simply cannot come up with any other explanation for this bit of Palin-flavored conserva-whining about an al-Shabaab attack in Kenya from early April: Wow, are massacres of Christians now so routine that, shoot, they can barely break into the news cycle? Seems that way. In Kenya, a jihadist group ...
  Let's Go Kill Some Scientists

Wingnut Columnist: Neil DeGrasse Tyson Is A Bad Scientist, Could Someone Please Kill Him?

Works for media literacy too.
WordNetDaily columnist Erik “The Other Rush” Rush — he really calls himself that — would like to share with you some Thoughts About Science, which mostly boil down to: science is nice when it gives us flatscreen TVs and atomic bombs, but we’d better not trust the “scientific community” because it’s full of atheists and socialists who are trying to set themselves up as some kinds of authorities on stuff that they have no business talking about, ...
  gay prom nice time!

Gay Boy Gets To Go To Prom With Hella Cute Straight Boy Of His Dreams!

It is the weekend, which means we need a Nice Time, and it’s a GOOD ONE. Remember prom? That thing that happened in high school where the mean kids spilled pig blood all over you, so you unleashed your powers and murdered everybody? Ha ha, no, you did not do that, you are not Carrie! You stayed home from your prom, duh. Well, here is a gay kid who is DEFINITELY going, because his best friend, a straight guy, asked him in the most adorable way. It all started when young gay ...
  Such fair many balance

Dog The Bounty Hunter Not Crazy Enough For Fox News, Sadface!

It’s not really 2016 yet, but so far, things are not looking good for the GOP. They’ve already lost this proud teabagger because he loves his Obamacare a whole lot and doesn’t want Republicans to take it away from him, and now they’ve lost Duane Chapman, better known as Dog the Bounty Hunter. On Friday’s “Outnumbered” — the Fox News show by ladies, for ladies, with one special guest star token penis, for fairness and balance and [insert ...
  Keep Watching The Skies!

Chemtrail Loons Yell At Arizona Congressman For Not Being Total Dipsh*t

The truth is out there. Very, very far out there
Here’s how nutso the Chemtrail People are: they’re actually too crazy for a Tea Partier, Arizona Republican congresscritter Paul Gosar, DDS, who got yelled at by an assortment of chemtrail enthusiasts at Monday’s meeting of the Conservative Republican Club of Kingman. Kingman appears to be a hotbed of Chemtrail Trutherdom, as we’ve reported before. The wingnuts in the audience were not pleased by Gosar’s complete denial of the international weather modification ...