She can't even get 113 percent!

New Poll Finds Hillary Clinton Already President

Up to no good, maybe or maybe not
Try not to get too happy in your privates, but there’s a shiny new poll that shows Hillary Clinton is the winningest presidential candidate right now, by all the points: Basically, all the Democrats are like, “Yeah, we are cool with Hillz,” despite OOOOH SCARY headlines recently that she should be shaking in her pantsuit because Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders (buy your Bernie T-shirts today!) is getting some thumbs ups and big crowds at campaign events. Of course he is, ...
  only $7.99!

Wonkette Doesn’t Sell Confederate Flag Apparel, But We Gots Panties With Teeth!

Burning with a desire for reconciliation, these panties are.
June 23, 2015, will go down as the day America’s corporate overlords realized products bearing the symbol of the Confederate battle flag, which commemorates a group of traitors no better than those who leave America to fight alongside ISIS, are BAD. This came after two days of wingnut Republican elected officials coming to Jesus on the subject of the traitor flag, we assume because their internal pollsters told them that the numbers of of Americans horrified by the murder of ...
  Don't Know His Ass From A Hole In The Ground

America’s Worst Lawyer, Larry Klayman, Explains How Barack Obama Got Those Blacks Shot In Charleston

We should probably start calling him that. But we sort of like Begley.
Idiot bag of lawyer scrapings Larry Klayman took a brief break from his usual agenda of calling for the overthrow of illegal president Barack Hussein Obama last week so he could mourn the nine victims of the massacre in Charleston, South Carolina. Of course, he did his mourning at conspiracy clearinghouse WorldNetDaily, so he was contractually obliged to blame Barack Obama for the murders. You see, Obama is ultimately at fault for racism and racist hate crimers like Dylann Roof, because ...
  man fuck this guy

Mike Huckabee: Can We Shut Up About Racism And Talk About My Lord And Savior Jesus Christ?

STFU, Huckabee.
When Mike Huckabee was first asked whether the Confederate flag should fly in South Carolina, he said Americans don’t “want [presidential candidates] to weigh in on every little issue in all 50 states that might be an important issue to the people of that state but not on the desk of the president,” because clearly the president of America is not president of the individual states that make up America. He also said you can’t assume, based on the actions of one lunatic, and ...
  Also pro-lifey

Texas Doesn’t Care If You Have Cancer In Your Ladyparts

It'll just screw you harder
Now that the “pro-life” Republicans of Texas have saved women from access to abortion, for their own safety, by shutting down almost all of the state’s clinics, they’re ready to solve the next problem: too much access to cancer screenings. In an effort to boot Planned Parenthood from the cancer program, lawmakers wrote a provision into the state budget to prohibit clinics affiliated with abortion providers from receiving funding for breast and cervical cancer ...
  Drink Too Much And Laugh Too Loud

Confederate Flag Suddenly More Hated Than Donald Trump, Pubic Lice

Don't know our ass from a hole in the ground
So how about that Confederate flag? Now that it has a negative association for the first time ever, seems like everybody has decided to jump off the Confederate bandwagon, except of course for the diehard morons, of whom there are quite a few. Within hours of Gov. Nikki Haley’s call to remove the Confederate flag from the South Carolina Statehouse, a whole bunch of other Republicans suddenly realized they had permission to get rid of the goddamned thing, too. Mitt Romney actually did ...
  Wonkette dance party

Here’s A Jaunty Gay-Hatin’ Campaign Song For Republicans, Since They Can’t Use Any Others

Republican creative type.
Republican candidates have this problem every single time they try to do campaigns. They think, “Hey, I have always loved that song by [insert artist here], I’ll use that!” And then they get a cease-and-desist letter, or a lawsuit, from the artist, saying “I hate you so much, you are not worthy of my song, you dirty disgusting wingnut.” It happened last week, when dumb Donald Trump thought it would be a good idea to use Neil Young’s “Rockin’ ...
  Curse that hindsight

Obamacare Great For Poors And Minorities, No Wonder GOP Hates It

Definitely thought this through
By now, we can all recite at least eleventeen reasons why the Affordable Care Act is great for America. Better coverage, lower prices, savings all around. And while we still remain the laughingstock of the civilized world because we don’t have universal healthcare like all the other cool countries do, Obamacare is our first significant step in the right direction toward the day when we don’t just let people die because they can’t afford medical care, so shrug, oh well, ...
  #notallmillennials

Millennials Do Racism Almost As Good As They Do Texting, Studies Show

#notallmillennials
Everybody’s always talking about “millennials this” and “millennials that” and “millennials sure do bitch a lot” and “millennials are so bad because of their helicopter parents,” but it turns out they’re good at something, and that something is racism! Now, now, boomers, sit down and STFU because they’re no more racist than you are. In fact, they’re a little bit less racist! A LITTLE BIT. According to an analysis by ...
  We Talk Real Funny Down Here

Walmart Wonders Where It Got All This Confederate Flag Merch

You can tell from the pixels
Suddenly the Confederate flag has become a bad thing, maybe, or at least a “controversial” one. Just one week ago, it was all about “Heritage Not Hate,” but as of Monday afternoon, it’s officially Problematic, because somebody just discovered that — are you sitting down? — some people have adopted it to promote hatred. Astonishing! South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley learned that it was seen that way, and called for the flag to be removed from the state ...
  Last Night I saw Lester Maddox On The TV

Fired White Supremacist Cop Seeks Confederate Support (U.S. Currency Only)

May not be negotiable outside LOS meetings
Last week we brought you the story of two cops in Anniston, Alabama, who lost their jobs with the police force because of their involvement with the racist neo-Confederate group the League of the South. One, Lt. Wayne Brown, resigned, and the other, Lt. Josh Doggrell, was fired. Now poor Josh Dogrell, clearly the victim of Political Correctness and anti-white hatred, is begging fellow bigots to give him money so he can sue — or at least have some bigot money. LOSer president Michael ...
  Whoopee We're All Gonna Die

Life On Earth Doomed, Everybody Panic. Or Go Shopping, Whatever

We won't even have to bother with nukes!
Excuse me, don’t want to alarm anyone, but it’s looking like we’re further along the road to the end of the current era of life on Earth than we thought. We’re not just talking about humanity dying off in a few hundred years; we’re talking Sixth Major Extinction stuff. Don’t worry, your stock portfolio will be fine. Just don’t invest in any thousand-year bonds, because a new study published in Science Advances, indicates that, “using extremely ...
  At least until he's "elected president" LOL

Rick Perry Wants To Free Americans From Tyranny Of Obamacare By Letting Them Keep Obamacare

Spit it out to make room for your foot, Rick Perry, or a dildo, whatever.
Former Texas governor and current “presidential candidate” Rick Perry is talking out of both sides of his butthole (each side featuring perfectly coiffed hair) when it comes to Obamacare. He’s agin’ it, of course, and it needs to be repealed. But he also doesn’t want people to lose their health insurance, if the Supreme Court rules, in King v. Burwell, that because of six little words and a technicality, the subsidies provided by the Affordable Care Act, which ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Jeb Bush Will Fight Gay Marriage Forever! Or Until He Changes His Mind

There's a new flip-flopper in town
Jeb! Bush doesn’t care what the Supreme Court says about gay marriage. At the Faith and Freedom Coalition funtimes party last week, he promised religious conservatives he’d fight against equality FOREVER AND EVER, because Jesus said you don’t have to love your neighbor if he is A Gay: “It’s got to be important over the long haul, irrespective of what the courts say,” he said. In discussing the topic, Mr. Bush made reference to divisive laws enacted in Indiana and other ...
  You go first

Republicans Decide Time Has Come To Take Sorta Brave Stand Against Confederate Flag

Maybe it's problematic after all
Seems like only yesterday, Republicans were afraid to follow in the footsteps of Mitt Romney and tell South Carolina to take down its Confederate flag. Who’s to say the flag is hate, not heritage? (Everyone.) And now isn’t the right time for that discussion anyway. (Yes it is.) And South Carolina doesn’t need the rest of the country, especially not presidential candidates, telling it what to do. (Clearly, it does.) And, as South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham has said, the ...
  america fuck yeah

Rep. Steve King: Who Cares About A Few Massacres When You Have All This Freedom?

Good Ol' Fashioned Nightmare Fuel
Iowa Republican congresscantaloupe Steve King had a few thoughts about Barack Obama’s treasonous attack on freedom last week, when the president said the United States is pretty exceptional, and not in the good way, when it comes to mass killings, and that “this type of mass violence does not happen in other advanced countries.” For one thing, said King on a rightwing radio show in Iowa, it does happen, sometimes, just not nearly as often as it does in the USA — ...
  Maybe the GOP could get a second opinion?

RINO Ben Carson Nukes Own Chances At GOP Nomination, Declares Racism Not Over

You can trust him, he's a doctor
Uh oh. Is Dr. Ben Carson, beloved hero to right-wingers who love when a black man assures them it’s OK to hate President Barack Blackity-Black Obama, and Obamacare is the worst thing since slavery, about to be escorted from the party? In an op-ed in USA Today, Carson violates the first — and second and third and eleventeenth — rule of being a black conservative, by declaring that racism is not dead after all: Not everything is about race in this country. But when it is ...
  Aren't you jealous of IBM?

IBM Punches Gov. Bobby Jindal In Scrotum Sac Over Gay-Hating Executive Order

Which one is the face he makes when he gets punched in the dick? ALL OF THEM KATIE.
You are probably so excited about this post, because the mere idea of ANY person, place or thing punching Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal in the nuts — metaphorically, of course — brings unfettered joy into the hearts of all patriotic Americans. Last month, Jindal was reeling from the fact that the Louisiana legislature wasn’t willing to heap embarrassment upon the state, by passing a fake “religious freedom” law, similar to the Fuck The Gays laws that passed, and ...
  No Worries; He's Only Racist Against Mexicans

Joe Arpaio Happy To Guard Black Churches, Whether They Want Him Or Not

Totally an act of kindness, not publicity seeking
Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, never one to let a good tragedy go to waste, stepped up in front of cameras this weekend and vowed to send armed patrols to guard black churches, although a number of Phoenix-area ministers protested the offer of “help” from a man who’s being prosecuted for contempt of court in a racial profiling case. Arpaio appeared at a press conference Friday with Rev. Jarrett Maupin, who claimed that at least 37 of 60 Arizona churches with ...
  Why Would A Racist Give *Us* Money?

Charleston Killer’s Favorite Racist Gave A Bunch Of Money To Top Republicans, Oops

Just a racist, his gun, his flag, and his spring planting project
By now you’ve probably read about what’s believed to be Dylann Roof’s idiot manifesto, detailing all his insights into The Blacks and The Jews. It’s the usual loathsome pile of racist crap, but he does at least let us know where he got a lot of his ideas: from the Council of Conservative Citizens (CCC), the modern version of what used to be the “White Citizens Councils” of the ’50s and ’60s. And here’s a heck of a thing: Earl Holt, the ...
  NO FAIR!

Fox News Race Experts So Mad Obama Allowed To Use N-Word And They Aren’t

Steve Doocy asked his black friends, so it's okay.
In the aftermath of the Charleston shootings, many people are grasping for answers and trying to have a discussion about enduring racism in the United States and what can be done about it. Wingnuts at Fox News are currently Doing Their Part, by whining about how it’s NO FAIR that President Obama gets to say “nigger” and they don’t, because that’s not racial transcendence! Obama appeared on Marc Maron’s “WTF” podcast, and attempted to have a ...
  Ha ... ha ... groan

Ted Cruz Tells Another Appropriate Well-Timed Joke, This Time About Guns Ha Ha Ha

Hoo boy, that Ted Cruz sure is a funny guy. While he is too big a coward to take a position on the Confederate flag and whether it should continue to fly on the grounds of South Carolina’s state capitol (hint: it should not), he’s not at all afraid to crack some “jokes” about gun control at a town hall meeting in Red Oak, Iowa: We need to defend the Second Amendment, the right to keep and bear arms. You know the great thing about the state of Iowa is, I’m ...