Voyage Of The Damned Again

Donald Trump Tells Syrian Refugees To Go Back To Mexico

They look pretty dangerous all right
Not content to merely say that he’d refuse to help any of the hundreds of thousands of refugees fleeing the civil war in Syria, Donald Trump promised that he will return all Syrian refugees that the United States has already taken in. “I’m putting the people on notice that are coming here from Syria as part of this mass migration, that if I win, they’re going back. They’re going back, I’m telling you,” declared the alleged human being at a rally in ...
  Sorry CNN

BREAKING: Joe Biden Still Not Running For President

He makes the gays' days better. AND their nights.
Despite CNN’s recent love note to Vice President Joe Biden that it has voluntarily changed its own rules and will do all the backflips and blow all the kisses and do his laundry and wash his car if Old Handsome Joe will please, pretty please, run for president, Biden has declined to accept the offer. At least for now. At this time. Winky winky, no definitive announcement, stay tuned, keep those fingers crossed! Vice President Joe Biden has extended his window for deciding whether to ...
  Prepare To Be Schlocked!

James O’Keefe Catches Hillary Clinton In Biggest Felony Yet!

Isn't truth an ironclad defense?
Moron undercover video scam arteeste James O’Keefe claims to have finally nailed Hillary Clinton campaign workers committing serious campaign law violations in Nevada, maybe, at least if O’Keefe yells “Felony! Felony” loud enough. In his latest hit video, released initially to top-quality journalistic outfit The Daily Mail, O’Keefe claims that a Clinton worker violated Nevada election law by enticing Latinos to register to vote with a cell phone meme of Donald ...
  Fuck The Poors. Literally.

Baltimore Public Housing Maintenance Dudes Getting So Much Head, Bro

GRRRRR. So here is a new twist on “Fuck The Poors.” How about ACTUALLY Fuck The Poors? Or at least force them to give you head, or other assorted sex favors, in exchange for maintenance work in public housing? Because this is apparently a thing! Now, you might be thinking, “Wonkette, I rent my apartment because I am not a part of the American Homeowner Dream, and when I call maintenance, they just come over and show me their pockmarked buttcracks while they fix my ...
  No one cares if you don't like it

Suck It, Ted Cruz: Government And Planned Parenthood To Remain Open

Hold on, hold on, still thinkin' ...
In a bizarre attempt to earn their six-figure paychecks for a change, a sufficient number of congressional Republicans agreed with Democrats that Sen. Ted Cruz sure is a moron, and also, it would be a good idea to keep the lights on in America, at least for another few months: With only hours to spare on the last day of the fiscal year, Congress approved a temporary spending measure to avert a shutdown and keep the federal government operating through Dec. 11. […] The temporary ...
  Who would Jesus hate?

Greedy Gay-Hatin’ Bakers Pocket Sweet Bigot Bucks, Tell Court To Suck Frosting

It's a beautiful gesture of love, accompanied by a really bad movie
Last we’d heard, those poor oppressed Christian bakers in Oregon were literally running for their persecuted lives, stopping only briefly to send cake-flavored care packages to LGBT groups to let them know they’re going to burn in hell for all that evil buttsexing. All because the mean administrative judge at the Oregon Bureau of Labor and Industries told Aaron and Melissa Klein, of Sweet Cakes by Melissa, that they are not allowed to discriminate against same-sex couples, it is ...
  An Armed Society Is A Paranoid Society

High School Students Try To Do Journalism On Guns, Gun-Humpers Freak Out

This must be the politest society in anime
The wingnuttosphere is up in arms — concealed, openly carried, and hidden in the underwear drawer where their kids will never find them — over an “invasive” survey that some Texas high school journalists put together to gather information on whether students’ families owned guns and what their beliefs on regulation of guns were. Or as this headline from a gunhumping blog howled: Credit where it’s due — The Blaze actually took the time to find out ...

Josh Duggar’s Penis Had A Accident On Another Porn Star

Close that filthy mouth, slut boy.
Everybody in the front row, cover yourselves with plastic, because we’re about to Gallagher some more Duggar spooge your way. Remember how Josh Duggar had to go to the Fuck-No-More Bible Camp, after it was revealed that the porn demons in his penis forced him to make nasty all over the Ashley Madison website, and that he also hired one of his favorite porn stars, Danica Dillon, for the purposes of doing rough sex to her in a way that creeped her out far more than any violent hardcore ...
  We are monsters

America Hears Pope’s Words On Death Penalty, Gets Back To Killing Folks ASAP

Same as it ever was.
We’re mad at New Pope at the moment, for having a secret Jesus tryst with Kim Davis where he reportedly told her she was some kind of freedom fighter, for refusing to do her job. But one thing everybody might have already forgotten about is how Francis used his address to Congress to call for an end to the barbaric death penalty — you know, that thing where we get to exact bloody revenge on people for doing bad things without even having to lift one of our obese American meat ...

Jerk Behind Planned Parenthood Videos Accidentally Confirms Carly Fiorina Is Lying

Wow, do we have rotten ostrich egg all over our faces. After foolishly suggesting Carly Fiorina’s Big Lie about seeing video of a still-alive leg-kicking aborted fetus at Planned Parenthood, whose brain is about to be harvested for cold hard cash, could not possibly get any worse for her — on account of how there is no such video and there is no such aborted fetus — we look like a bunch of A Idiots because it just got worse! Here is pus-sucker slimeball pond scum David ...
  Blessed Are The Dealmakers

Donald Trump Is Yoogest Evangelical, Also A Jew For Jesus Maybe

He Declared Bankruptcy For Your Sins
More big Donald Trump news today: Now that he’s finally found a Bible verse he likes (even if it doesn’t exist), he is doing his very best to suck up to the wackiest fringes of the evangelist movement. Not necessarily the biggest figures on the Christian Right, but the hucksters and “Prosperity Gospel” crazies, the folks who insist that what Jesus really wants you to do is grow rich, especially if you send a Love Offering to this 800 number, operators are standing by ...
  Still September but Cocktober in yr pants

Indiana Republican Sorry For Sending Everybody His Sex Tape, Will Resign Now

UH OH, is it Cocktober yet? No, we still have one more day before the annual festival where all the politicians of both parties (but mostly Republicans) unzip their onesies and start rubbing their genitals against constituents, hooker sex ladies, hooker sex gentleladies, dead girls, live boys, and the like. But here’s some foreplay for you! This guy, state Rep. Jud McMillin, a (duh) Republican, WAS the state house majority leader in Indiana. But he has resigned, on account of there ...
  An Outbreak Of Stupid In DC

Benghazi Congressjerk Never Quitting, Will Investigate Hillary’s Yoga Emails Forever

Almost exciting news, everyone! For a whole half of a second, we were trying to scrape our shocked jaws off the floor after reading the BREAKING!!! news that Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-Benghazi), a tea party darling wingnut conspiracy theorist extraordinaire whose tinfoil hat is invisible so Obama’s black ops henchmen can’t track him, was retiring from the House of Representatives to go back to South Carolina and spend more time stocking up on End Times supplies. But wait! Plot twist! ...
  Get The Popcorn

Three Guys Who Will Never Be President Have A Catfight

Oh such exciting times in the Republican primary! It’s been a couple of days of hot Donald-on-Rand-on-Ted action, and with any luck, it’ll turn into one of those cartoon fights with a big cloud of dust with a fist or a shoe sticking out here and there. We’re not rooting for anyone in particular, just for the entire fuck-tussle to get as ugly as possible, for entertainment purposes. We’ve got Rand Paul calling Donald Trump a clown (it’s a fair cop), Donald Trump ...
  Klansmen Say The Darnedest Things

KKK Dude So Jealous Of Jews At Auschwitz, With Their Coffee Breaks And Swimming Pool

Just in case you were in the mood for seeing a brainless Klansman natter on about what a paradise Auschwitz was, here’s a clip from a BBC 3 documentary (sadly not yet available for viewing outside the UK) called KKK: The Fight for White Supremacy, which we’re hoping will eventually make it to American TV. The good folks at the Beeb sent a film crew to meet some Alabama KKK members following the Charleston murders, and, always happy for publicity, the Klansmen were happy to ...
  rumors on the internets

Kim Davis’s Lawyers Say She Had A Secret Stitch ‘N’ Bitch With Pope Francis

Rosary beads? FOR ME?
OH GODDAMMIT, IF TRUE. Good, decent people in America are trying really hard to think the best of this new commie pope, who seems to be trying to take the focus off hot button wingnut issues to return the Church’s focus to real problems like caring for the poor, the sick, and the downtrodden. And he has done and said some good things! Kim Davis is not poor. She is not sick. And despite what the bigot demons in her head tell her, she is CERTAINLY not downtrodden. So this breathless ...