IMAGINE if Ted Cruz was president of the gays

Ted Cruz Would Be Very Bad News For Gays, If He Were President LOL

Not immaculate, but OK
Canadian Ted Cruz declared his candidacy for emperor of the US Americas today, having decided that the best way to run a presidential campaign is to blow your load really early, like a teenage girl trying to be the first say “FIRST!!!” in a Perez Hilton comment thread. He, of course, did his premature ejaculation announcement speech at Dead Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, the only known educational institution to have the distinction of being the safety school you go ...
  He imagines stuff too

Marco Rubio Will Replace Obamacare With Obamacare (And Tax Cuts), Can Be Preznit Nao?

He has ideas too, you know
Pity poor Marco Rubio, the other young Republican senator with a fascinating story of his family escaping Cuba — legally, like good immigrants, not those moocher scumbags who don’t fill out all the paperwork — so their son could one day grow up to imagine being president of these United States of Jesus. While Ted Cruz has officially launched his campaign — if not a fully functioning campaign website — to be an official loser in the 2016 presidential election, ...
  Common Core? Why Not An Exceptional American Core?

Ted Cruz Will ‘Repeal’ Common Core ‘Law’ When He Is ‘President’

Ted Cruz will do a faith-healing of America
In his amazing Liberty University speech where he announced that he’s running for President of Jesus, Ted Cruz promised to repeal every single word of an onerous federal law that oppresses America and is designed to promote socialism. Twice. First, he promised to repeal every single word of Obamacare on his “first day in office.” (Never mind that Sen. Cruz will actually spend January 20, 2017 watching someone else take the oath of office.) And then a little later in the ...
  the clown car starts its engine

Ted Cruz Kicks Off Presidential Campaign, Wonkette Staffers Crying Through Orgasms

Thank you for not facing the camera, you Luigi the Plumber-looking motherfucker.
Today, Canadian anchor babby Ted Cruz, the señor senator from Texas, launched his campaign to be the Jesus-Humper-in-Chief of these Jesus States of America. In case anyone was unsure of which Americans Cruz was really speaking to, he chose as the site of his speech Liberty University, the evangelical Christian school founded by Jerry Falwell in Lynchburg, Virginia. No better way to show your commitment to the diverse religious masses that populate our nation than that! Cruz’s speechwriter ...
  Happy birthday Obamacare

John Boehner: Is Obamacare Replacement At The Bottom Of This Barrel Of Chardonnay?

But not really
It’s been five years since President Obama signed the Affordable Care Act — aka Obamacare, aka The Just Like Hitler Health Plan To Socialize America To Death, aka Romneycare but without abortion coverage, aka the health insurance reforms as originally imagined by the conservative “think tank” the Heritage Foundation — into law. Don’t bother looking out your window to see if the world has ended yet; we already checked for you and, against all odds, ...
  My Name Is URL

Oh No Ted Cruz Forgot Something

Hold on, hold on, still thinkin' ...
Getting a national political Republican campaign up and running is hard, guys. Just ask Sen. Rafael Edward Cruz, who’s declaring his candidacy today. There are just tons of little details you need to anticipate, like filing all the paperwork for an exploratory committee, setting up a PAC, asking Sheldon Adelson’s handlers if he prefers that you spit or swallow, and of course buying the website URL that consists of your own name plus “dot com.” Case in point? Go click ...
  Instead Of 'Floodng' Let's Just Say 'Boatable Streets'

Florida Employee Says ‘Climate Change,’ Has To Write ‘Science Is A Lie’ 10,000 Times

So it's a little water. Big deal.
So there’s this “Florida” place that’s gradually being swallowed by the ocean, what with rising sea levels. But Gov. Rick Scott is quite sure that isn’t really happening, because he is pretty much the mayor of Amity Island in Jaws.* If nobody in Florida government says “climate change” or “global warming,” the problem will just go away. Actually, what problem? There is no shark sea level rise problem. Plenty of land still above water, ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Ted Cruz FIRST! To Declare Candidacy For Also-Ran Loser Of 2016

President Ted Cruz (R-Not Really)
The 2016 race to lose the White House to Hillary Clinton (or a Pet Rock or a pile of dust bunnies or basically any person or thing that is not a Republican) officially begins TODAY: Texas Republican Sen. Ted Cruz will become the first major candidate for president when he launches his campaign Monday, kicking off what’s expected to be a rush over the next few weeks of more than a dozen White House hopefuls into the 2016 campaign. Cruz will formally get into the race during a morning ...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Why Are We Being Anti-Semitic To Sarah Palin?

Scootaloo is neither a gun owner nor Jewish, as far as we know. She worships Rainbow Dash
The Deleted Comments Hopper was extra-full this week, largely because we hit on a convergence of topics in one post: we wrote about the Palin family and guns at the same time, and that combination summoned the angerbears from the depths. Also, we suggested that not all American Jews agree with Congressschmuck Steve King, who carries so much water for AIPAC that he has calves the size of challas, and that brought us some real winners too. Heck, we don’t even have room to mention the ...

The Weekend Stock Photo Report Resigned From Congress Before It Was Cool

In this installment of The Weekend Stock Photo Report with Weekend S. Photo, Aaron Schock will no longer be in Congress but is yes longer be in trouble with the Feds, Barack Obama thinks everyone should be required to vote for some reason, and Maine Gov. Paul LePage is pretty sure that Stephen King, who lives in Maine, doesn’t live in Maine. Missed last week’s Report? That’s because we didn’t do one and instead adopted a cat. Here’s the one we did the week before, though. We usually ...

The Snake Oil Bulletin: I See Bullsh*t in Your Future

Greetings, Comrades! Welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly compendium of charlatans and rapscallions just waiting to sell you health, wealth, and salvation if only you’ll give them your money. We’ve got a full pan of bullshit to sift through if we’re going to find that gold nugget of hilarity, so let’s waste no time and get right down to it. German Anti-Vaxxer’s Mouth Writes Check His Ass Can’t Cash To start us down our Schadenfreude slip ...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Help, Help, Sarah Palin Is Being Repressed!

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
In one of her three new videos this week — seven minutes and 34 seconds of total run time, for those keeping score at home — Sarah Palin decided to squawk about Lois Lerner, because apparently that horse is not yet dead and requires further beating. Her screed goes deep, deep into the realm of alternate history, and the whole thing is worth a look. Let’s Wonksplore! [Lois Lerner] helped engineer the targeting of conservative groups and tried to get the Department of Justice to ...

Congressschmuck Steve King Doesn’t Understand Why American Jews Are So Anti-Semitic

Jesus effing Christ, Steve
Iowa Rep. Steve King is an actual member of Congress, as well as a terrible person on every single issue, from Messicans to homomessicans to light bulbs to dogfighting. In a radio interview on Friday, Steve King demonstrated the depth and breadth of his terribleness by being a terrible person about The Jews, in whom he is Very Disappointed for being such bad The Jews, which is a thing The Jews never EVER tire of hearing, no really, please do go on some more about how The Jews have let down ...
  and how'd you become king then?

King Obama To Give Citizens Choice Between Voting Or FEMA Camps, Thanks Obama!

It's good to be the king
From the wintry environs of Northeast Ohio on Wednesday, an Arctic wind did blast out across the land, chilling the hearts of freedom-loving patriots everywhere. For lo, the Dread Tyrant Obama did proclaim that all the citizenry be compelled under penalty of death to travel to the voting-booth and place the appropriate number of chicken heads in the ballot-basket in order to designate their chosen representative in the Parliaments of the States and the Nation (the Tyrant Obama will, of ...
  Looks Like I Picked The Wrong Day To Stop Sniffing Glue

TSA Let A Known Terrorist Fly. Who Was It, Besides Obama?

Langley, are you SURE this guy had I.D.?
Today’s big Air Travel Freakout is that the Transportation Security Agency apparently allowed someone very bad to board a commercial airliner last year, and they let the very bad person board without taking his very bad shoes off, even though he (or she! feminism!) was recognized by a TSA officer, triple exclamation points!!! Who was this person? All we know so far is that it was “a convicted felon and former member of a domestic terror group,” and that according to a DHS ...

Mitch McConnell Writes His Own Letter Telling Everyone To Ignore ‘President’ Obama

Well as long as he says it's ok
We all know what a success it was for Senate Republicans to sign Tom Cotton’s love letter to Iran’s leadership explaining how, according to the U.S. Constitution, the president does not have any real authority. Everyone took them seriously, especially Iran, and no one called them traitors or suggested that openly declaring the president has no power is maybe not very America Fuck Yeah! of them. Because that was so effective, letter writin’ is all the rave, so Senate ...
  Earworm Warning

CNN Does Funny Thing On Purpose (Watch Your Political ‘Too Many Cooks’ Here Please Thank You You’re Welcome)

Don't expect too much sense out of this one. It's Friday, roll with it.
Guys, we don’t quite know how to tell you this, but CNN actually did something funny. We mean, intentionally. How did this happen? What are the larger implications for cable television news, viral videos, the 2016 elections, and social media? What is this thing anyway? On the off chance that you haven’t seen the original, here it is, as well as the Wikipedia entry, like that would help. Or better, just watch the thing and bathe in its majestic glory: We’ll just add that ...
  Occupy the teacher's lounge

Daily Caller OUTRAGED Feminist Professors Get Paid Like Actual Professors

Actual women's studies professor
Prepare to be shocked and appalled and disgusted, while you’re at it, because you know who is really making out like bandits these days? No, not those Wall Street types who make six-figure bonuses on top of their six-figure salaries. According to Tucker Carlson’s interwebs asylum for keyboard monkeys willing to swear a blood oath to Fox News, it is professors. And not even real professors, but “gender studies” professors: America’s gender studies, ethnic studies and ...
  Followed by Faghatin' Fridays and Sexist Saturdays

Army Unit Has ‘Racial Thursdays’ Tradition To Relieve Stress Of Not Being Racist The Other Days

Come to serve your country, stay for the constant racial denigration!
Who is in trouble for racism this time? Oh, hello, it is a platoon of soldiers at Fort Wainwright in Alaska who have allegedly been holding an unauthorized “Racial Thursdays” event, where everybody gets to say all the awful racist shit that they’ve been thinking the whole week, but have had to swallow, due to the pressures of being civilized human beings: The Army is investigating allegations that a platoon of soldiers was given a free pass to use racial slurs against each ...
  A Shining Example

All Teabagging And No Brain Makes Maine Governor LePage A Dull Boy

All the tax rates float down here
Among things you should never do: 1) Vandalize a beautiful but haunted 1958 Plymouth Fury 2) Experiment with reanimating the dead; 3) Dump pig blood on Carrie White at the prom; 4) Suggest that unabashed progressive Stephen King would ever move away from his beloved Maine for the sake of lower taxes in another state. Unless you are Maine’s idiot teabagger governor Paul LePage. He got reelected, and now he wants to eliminate the state’s progressive income tax and replace the ...
  Shit's getting real

FBI Officially Following Aaron Schock On Instagram

It's not getting easier
Poor young dudebro Rep. Aaron Schock, the hot stud millennial soon-to-be-ex congressman. After weeks of drip-drip-dripping details about his questionable use of campaign funds, maybe he thought announcing his resignation would make all the raised-eyebrow articles and questions about alleged ethics violations and (also hey, what is up with the personal photographer and travel companion taking those super-model pics of him?) stop. But alas, nope: The FBI and the federal prosecutors in ...
  Nepotism Is A Family Value

Arizona Wingnut Senator Not Big On Worker Rights Except Maybe For Her Son-In-Law’s

Syvlia llen at a 'Nullify Now!' event in Phoenix
Arizona state Senator Sylvia Allen is a wingnut’s wingnut who likes guns and state militias and “constitutional conservative” sheriffs like Richard Mack, the guy who wanted women and children up front at the Bundy Ranch in case shooting started. In 2009, she supported uranium mining in Arizona because uranium and people and animals have all been together for the entire 6,000 years of the Earth’s existence, and God never saw fit to require regulations on uranium in ...