Uh-oh. The sheeple are waking upThe Great Big Freedom to Never Pay Grazing Fees Revolution continues to bubble right along, although the Bureau of Land Management released Cliven Bundy’s cheerfully-trespassing cattle and has backed off from its plans to seize them. Still, there are rumblings in the Wingnuttosphere that this is far from over, because for one thing Bundy still owes the $1 million in unpaid grazing fees (we’ll assume that includes penalties & interest?) and also because it’s just too good a story, so militia loons are continuing to stay at the Bundy ranch and make noises about how the Federal Government has just gone too far by insisting that people who run cattle on federal land actually need to pay for that. Tyranny!

And patriotic citizens who can’t make it out to Nevada are also getting involved, like the sad online activist who tried to leave a comment here at yr mommyblog to promote his project to name & shame some jackbooted thugs, but discovered that Wonkette Does Not Allow Comments. And even though they had a really compelling message — “Help rat out Dirty Harry Reid’s minions! http://mercid.wordpress.com/ “ — we didn’t let them into the comments section, because we are liberal fascists. But we did look at their dumb blog, and it was so spectacularly bad that you need to see it. READ MORE »

William Bratton, indubitablySo, everybody was all Happy and Nice Timey about the New York Police Department ditching its “Demographics Unit,” a.k.a. Muslim surveillance unit, right? All it did was anger New York and New Jersey’s Muslim communities and screw with civil liberties, whilst producing exactly bupkis in terms of counter-terrorist intelligence, so everyone said, “Good riddance,” no?

N-O, the answer is no, not everyone was happy to see this waste of money come to an end, because what part of Muslims do you not understand? Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home for Hysterical Xenophobes is SO MAD, you guys, about how political correctness has rolled the red carpet out for Al Qaeda to just attack New York whenever they want, go right ahead, nobody will stop you.

As Breibart’s National Security Editor “Dr.” Sebastian Gorka notes, the NYPD has completely surrendered and is just waiting for Al Qaeda to come apply for murder permits at One Police Plaza. READ MORE »

WhatIfHeritage

Just imagine the pitch: “Mr. Moonves, think Golden Girls meets Crossfire,” says the excited producer. The Chairman frowns slightly. “BUT with mostly guys,” the producer continues. Moonves looks mollified. It’s a go.

Of course viewed from the outside, the Right Wing™ already seems like an increasingly surreal network television experiment gone spectacularly off the rails, so why not push it where it obviously wants to go? Sarah Palin’s already got a couple of reality shows under her belt, and Tucker Carlson was on Dancing with the Stars, so let’s give Laura Ingraham a variety show! How about transforming Tea Party Nation into a medical procedural? It wouldn’t be too difficult to integrate the Republican primaries into the next season of Big Brother. Ooooh… how about a sitcom based on the Heritage Foundation? Yes. Let’s fantasize about that after the jump.

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Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!
Is it 2016 yet? Have we inaugurated Hillary Clinton already? CNN BREAKING NEWS: No, it is only 2014. Yet rumors persist about who is and is not running for President to replace Our Dreamy Guiding Star of Socialist Hippie Liberalism Barack HU-SANE Obama. It looks like we may have another contender, and she is a vagina-American, per The Leaf Chronicle:

A report over the weekend that Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn might launch a 2016 Republican presidential bid spurred a non-denial denial from her campaign staff.

Non-denial denial! Does it get any denialier? And ladies, she is running on the platform, quoted by Huffington Post, “It is Republicans that have led the fight for women’s equality.”

Move over Michele Bachmann, and step aside Sarah Palin: the GOP has a new woman to steal headlines and be batshit crazy. Let’s non-denialsplore.  READ MORE »

We determined many years ago, let us put that number in the vicinity of “we are old,” that we should not judge art we hadn’t seen for ourselves. (It had to do with our High Dudgeon about Kevin Smith’s Chasing Amy, and how dare he have his man hero change a lesbian, and then we saw it, and it was nuanced and shit.) But now here comes Heaven Is for Real, and our inbox is filling up with emails extolling it from the usual scolds who determine they Speak for the Trees, or at least all Christians, and the emails are about how this movie is THE BEST, and all the Christians will eat it up FOREVER, and it is about Heaven and Jesus but — and they actually say this — it is not “too preachy” which is definitely a thing they do not like, the too preachy and the being of it.

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"What's that, Cadbury? Dad's going to the post office? Sure, I'm not doing anything else today."Imagine you are Josh Romney. A couple of years ago your daddy ran for a big job, and that job was President of the United States. In the course of running for this job, quite a few people said mean things about Josh’s daddy, because that’s how political campaigns work. One of those people was Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who snickered and sneered that Josh’s daddy hadn’t paid a dime in taxes in ten years. So many people were stricken with the vapors over this brutal assault on Josh’s daddy’s integrity, which he could have easily cleared up by releasing those tax returns, as presidential candidates traditionally do. But he didn’t, because he had already released two years of returns, which should have been more than enough for you people. Then he went out on Election Day and got stomped like the Serengeti grasslands in an elephant stampede. Poor Josh’s daddy, left alone with just his wife and his five kids and his dozens of grandchildren and his multiple homes with elevators to carry his cars up and down and his hundreds of millions of dollars.

That Harry Reid, he sure fights dirty! Being a boxer, he’ll throw a punch. Yesterday Josh Romney, having nursed his grievances for a year and a half, punched back. READ MORE »

Oh, you're going to hear from the wackaloons now, RachelThis one’s long, but it’s worth watching. Rachel Maddow brings us an in-depth look at the extremist roots of Frazier Glenn Miller, the suspect in the Overland Park, Kansas shootings over the weekend, and we learn that not only was he persuaded by the FBI to inform on his white supremacist pals back in the late 1980s, he’s stayed in touch with other neo-Nazis since — including contacts with the man convicted of the 2011 attempt to bomb a MLK Day parade in Spokane and with Craig Cobb, the freak who was trying to turn Leith, North Dakota into a white supremacist enclave. He’s no lone wolf, says Maddow, he’s part of a network.

And so, the question: Why have we had a full-on freakout about jihadis in this country, but every instance of rightwing extremism gets treated as sui generis, a complete surprise that is somehow disconnected from all the others? Back in 2009, when the Department of Homeland Security suggested that rightwing extremism might be something to be concerned about, the non-extreme-but-still-rightwing media machine went into Full Anguished Howl mode, accusing the DHS of planning to persecute everyone who watched Fox News, because nobody who calls themselves a patriot has ever done terrorism, except for the ones that did, but they weren’t True Patriots anyway, and as everyone knows, all terrorists are leftists or something.

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tears in heaven

Have you seen that ADORABLE ad, about how moms are unpaid slaves and what kind of idiot would take a job as one? Here, watch all 14 hours because apparently Ghost Andy Warhol is making greeting card viral videos now. (My mom: “I watched ‘Empire’ in the theater. It was WONDERFUL.” My mom is a liar.)

Mary Elizabeth Williams at Salon says almost everything there is to say about how stupid and offensive and sexist this goddamn Dr. Laura virgin mother mommycult is, except she forgets to call it a goddamn Dr. Laura virgin mother mommycult.

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SPOILER he did not pay it.It’s Tax Day, which means political entities everywhere are scrambling to graft their agendas onto something with the word “tax” in it, so people who are frantically asking their internets “what for i owe so much taxis?” will give them their email addresses. Us here, we got this nice thing in our email, says “TAXPAYERS DELIVER $7.8 BILLION TAX BILL TO WALMART CHAIRMAN”. And they did! The taxpayers went to Rob Walton’s compound in Paradise Valley, AZ, with a piece of paper, and now you are reading about it, so they did a good job.

The $7.8 billion that Walmart “owes” is a figure from a report by Americans for Tax Fairness (pdf). It includes billions in welfare payments to low-wage Walmart workers, as well as money saved by exploiting accounting loopholes. Nobody would probably care much about this, except “Walmart made a $16 billion profit in 2013, and the six Walton heirs, who own more than 50 percent of Walmart shares, saw their wealth grow to $148.8 billion—more wealth than 49% of American families combined.” So there’s that. READ MORE »

it's pronounced "dickcisions"

Are you ready for some Nice Time that only needed to happen because there was some very Not Nice Time in the first place? SHUT UP YOU ARE TOO. Today, Bamz partially commuted a prison sentence for one Ceasar Cantu, who was convicted in 2006 of drug dealing, dropping his sentence from 15 years to 11 1/2. The 15-year sentence was accidentally imposed based on a typo in a sentencing report.

Cantu’s commutation came from a typo in the “base offense level” of his presentencing report — a numerical rating calculated by the court under federal sentencing guidelines that takes into consideration the crime’s severity and the defendant’s criminal history. The pre-sentence report correctly listed a level of 34 in one part of the report, but incorrectly listed it at 36 in the portion listing his recommended sentencing range.

Wait. We need the President to fix motherfucking TYPOS these days? Doesn’t the leader of the free world have more important things to do? Well, in this case Bamz actually did need to step in because the judge in the case was being a massive dick.

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toast!

It’s probably time for you to stop working and start dicking around on the Internet, so here are some Happy links to help you do just that.

We told you about the recursive tech nightmare that is a crowdfunding site raising money via crowdfunding, which was bound to happen sooner or later.

We surveyed the landscape of bad liquor to figure out which almost-but-not-quite wine-like product was the sugariest and the best at getting us drunk.

To make up for the bad liquor, we taught you how to make some really excellent deviled eggs, which you will totally make for Easter now.

Apparently, some people (coughMILLENNIALScough) think it is totally cool for your boss to call your mom to chat about your job.

We watched the most awful corporate anthem singalong, “Let’s Get Social” and felt awful for the people that recorded it, even though we totally laughed at them anyway.

And like Jesus by your side, there’s always sideboob.

That's all in the past, just forget about it.Now look, maybe you commie hippies think that the Civil Rights Act was a pretty good idea. It was was signed into law 50 years ago, George Bush celebrated its anniversary last week with a Lyndon Johnsonesque dick joke and all. But have you given any thought to whether it’s actually legal? Freshman Florida congressbagger Ted Yoho held a town hall Monday in Gainesville, where he fielded a question from a voter named Melvin Flournoy, a 57-year-old African American, who asked if Yoho thought “any part of” the Civil Rights Act was constitutional. As the nice folks at Think Progress put it, “The easy answer in this case — ‘yes’ — has the benefit of also being correct.” But for Ted Yoho, that’s a really weighty question that he was not prepared to rush to judgment on:

This country grew through a lot of growing pain. We’re going through it again. As we grow as a country and prosper, we’re going to go through it again in the future. That’s why I’m so thankful for the Constitution because it allows us to do that. Is it constitutional, the Civil Rights Act? I wish I could answer that 100 percent. I know a lot of things that were passed are not constitutional, but I know it’s the law of the land.

Honestly, how can people even know these things? Sure, the Supreme Court found it Constitutional just months after it was passed, but that was the Warren Court, and we know it was full of dangerous radicals. Let’s not rush into anything here. Besides, didn’t the free market take care of segregation? Pretty sure we just read that in a textbook. READ MORE »

how could you not trust your daughter to this guy?

Last year, Douglas Phillips, the head of Vision Forum Ministries, one of those deeply creepy Quiverfull churches, and total superfriend of Clown Car Vagina Family Duggars, stepped down after revealing he’d had a “lengthy, inappropriate affair” with a ladyperson. He kinda sorta forgot to mention that the “inappropriate affair” was actually a 6-year pattern of (ALLEGEDLY, JESUS) grooming and sexually abusing one of his parishioners, which is actually a tad more than inappropriate. Now the woman, Lourdes Torres-Manteufel, has sued Phillips and Vision Forum Ministries and the complaint, as the kids say, is a doozy.

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also available in t-shirt form
Another day, another Whiny Christian Kids Wear Anti-Gay Shirts To School story. Seriously, we’re going to come up with a way to just insert the name of the school and the date so we can automate this stuff. This week, it’s Oregon City High School, where some big baby just couldn’t stand the fact that there was a day — A WHOLE DAY, PEOPLE — about the gays, so he had to make some crappy t-shirts about it.

“I just made it say ‘Gay Day is not OK,’ because I don’t believe that it’s OK,” Oregon City High School student Alex Borho told KPTV.

Borho and some of his friends wore the shirts to school during the National Day of Silence on April 11. The event is intended to bring attention to bullying and harassment targeting gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people.

Man, with rhetorical skills like that, this kid is going to make a great third-rate evangelical preacher one day.

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She's sassy!Hissing hate module Laura Ingraham will be joining the roundtable on ABC’s This Week With George Stephanopoulos, apparently because they need someone who’s got the guts to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington by cutting off a recording of a speech by John Lewis with the sound of a gunshot. Or maybe they need someone with a keen analytical mind that recognizes the uncanny parallels between Obamacare and standing in a car rental line. Or maybe she won the spot with her witty observation that Sonia Sotomayor prefers the term “undocumented immigrants” to “illegal aliens” because, as a Puerto Rican person, Sotomayor’s

“allegiance obviously goes to her, you know, immigrant family background, not to the U.S. Constitution.”

Beats us. Maybe Stephanopoulos just wants Ingraham to wear a red dress and sing “I like to be een A-mer-ee-ca!” READ MORE »