In a shocking turn of events, the birther trial in Georgia of which Orly Taitz tries to be a part despite the fact that she can’t practice law in Georgia (and probably anywhere else) has ruled in favor of sanity i.e. Obama! Which means that Taitz, who evidently steals bedspreads from Las Vegas hotels and fashions them into suits, has now ordered an “emergency appeal,” which is the kind of thing that Actual Lawyers use when their client is about to be put to death, etc. But for Orly Taitz one Georgia citizen’s loss of a trial to prove Obama is a heathen from abroad is AKIN TO DEATH, so, writing in five different fonts, including underrated favorite of seventh-grade history presentations, StageCoach, and using, variously, all-caps, bold and underline to convey her point, Taitz has ordered for the criminal investigation of the presiding judge in the case, Michael Malihi, and Obama’s lawyers, and of course Obama, as well as, probably, the court typist, the courtroom attendants, and that one elderly lady who was drinking from the water fountain outside the courtroom when the trial let out. READ MORE »
Here’s some more awkward humor from the robot comedy that is Mitt Romney’s 2012 ascent to the GOP nomination: Mittens actually did worse on Saturday in the Nevada GOP caucus than he did back in 2008. This time around, “Inevitable Willard” got 50.1%, or a little less than his winning total back in the 2008 Nevada caucus. So, knowing that he was on the way to wrapping up the nomination, his loyal Mormon supporters in rural Nevada decided to … back off a bit. Another definitive win for the Multimillionaire of Moroni! READ MORE »
Irani Twitter freedom fighter Rep. Pete Hoekstra of Michigan is running for Senate now and goddamnit he will win, after producing this comically racist ad about the job-stealing Asian clown ladies who talk funny and hope you die of unemployment. READ MORE »
Question for the ages: Why do so many former Bush flunkies simply refuse to STAY FLUSHED? Ex-Bush spokesman Ari Fleischer, for example, continues to circle the Beltway bowl as a human resources intern or some such at the Susan G. Komen Foundation. What a mighty non-coincidence, indeed, that a refugee from the colossally failed Bush administration would find himself orbiting yet another organization collapsing upon itself like a stupid and inexplicably pro-life dying star. Marvel at your universe today. READ MORE »
For a brief moment, our First Lady Michelle Obama’s appearance on the Ellen DeGeneres show was all fun and games. Our FLOTUS danced her way onto the stage in her usual style and then sat down with Ellen to discuss (what else?) Barack Obama’s socks. The gossip is that Barack Obama does not pick up his socks! But our FLOTUS did not really go all the way out to the Ellen show to discuss the White House cleaning services. It was, of course, all about Let’s Move! and childhood obesity. And we would be very bored by this, except that this time, the jackets came off! Our Michelle revealed her workout secrets and then got down on the floor to demonstrate why everyone must fear the arms of America’s First Lady of Fitness. And then some right-wing people on the Internet used their personal mobility devices to drive across the living room to the ‘puter, to complain about the first lady’s “form.” READ MORE »
Hello, humans. My name is Jim. I used to edit this stupid website for two or three years back when it was stupider, in The Roaring Twenties. READ MORE »
There was another caucus, apparently! The reason nobody noticed is because it was in Nevada, which is actually home to lots of Republican-voting Mormons. (Take out the corporate prostitution resort of Las Vegas in the southern corner of the state, and Nevada is just a sparsely populated length of mountains and desert right next to Utah.) But Romney is programmed to treat all wins the same, no matter how expected and no matter how few delegates are at stake, so the beaming Mittens will be transported out of Nevada by personal corporate jet with at least 10 delegates but certainly nothing like the 50 he picked up in Florida. The only pressing question is whether a cheap Huffington Post gimmick like putting “Super Bowl” in the headline will increase the page views for this post. READ MORE »
Oh noes, National Review Online editors are feeling a touch put out that they went to all the “trouble” of holding a group fap session righteously congratulating the Susan G. Komen foundation for cutting off grants to Planned Parenthood and then posted the account of it online only for the charity to admit shortly thereafter that it had decided to restore the funding because of UGH, LIBERALS. “Does anyone on the Left even ask the basic question of whether a private charitable organization has the right to dispose of its money as it sees fit?” demands to know NRO Corner blogger Daniel Foster, sassily. Yeah, why can’t charities just do what they want with their money in PEACE? It is THEIR MONEY, after all, that they collected off the money-growing trees, probably. READ MORE »
Attention, President Obama! Mousy Mormon Senator Orrin Hatch would like to have a word with you in the undersea Holocaust-victim baptizing chamber. Hatch will be doing that thing he always does, that raisin-mouthed, monotonous, mild-mannered smug thing he uses to cloak all manner of backwards beliefs and statements. The decrepit senator from Utah is currently offended because Barack Obama had the absolute gall to directly quote a famous Biblical character like Jesus Christ at the National Prayer Breakfast and thereby make this annual networking event/affront to the Constitution tawdry and, what’s worse, political!READ MORE »
The Internet is chock full of dumb two-day fads, but there might be some real staying power in the concept of “Tea Party Jesus,” a Tumblr site that combines images of the Loving Jesus with cartoon speech bubbles full of 100% real quotes from leading right-wing Republicans who self-identify as “family values Christians.” READ MORE »
Have you heard about the strangest new craze in breast cancer charities, the kind that doesn’t actually want to fight breast cancer? This for a brief period was the Susan G. Komen Foundation, the behemoth breast cancer research charity always running around madly putting pink ribbon stickers on everything from yogurt cups to professional football players, after they inexplicably hired rabidly anti-choice wingnut Karen Handel to the Senior VP of Public Policy spot last year (following Handel’s failed run for Georgia governor despite/because of Sarah Palin’s endorsement, hahahah). The foundation then decided they didn’t want to pay Planned Parenthood to help low-income lady people get free breast cancer screenings anymore, in case the ladies might accidentally get an abortion on the way down the hall to the mammography machine. And THEN they lied to everyone about the reason for the decision and said it was because some wingnut Congressman in Florida is “investigating” Planned Parenthood and they can’t give money to organizations being fake investigated by nutjobs. BUT NOW that is all over with, HOORAY, because as soon as the Internet found out about all this a few days ago, it also made a decision, to stop giving money to a pro-breast cancer charity and give all their monies directly to Planned Parenthood instead. So Komen has come back to say NO WAIT DIDN’T MEAN IT WE LURV PLANNED PARENTHOOD. READ MORE »
Mittens-hating muffin is noooot too psyched about what happened in Florida on Tuesday. HE LOST. GOODBYE. Oh, you’re still here. Instead of accepting that no one south of the very Southern north of Florida likes him at all, Gingrich has suddenly decided that the winner-takes-all ruling on the Florida primary is about as fair as Mitt Romney being liked by even so much as one person in this world, let alone a couple million. So, following a Hispanic roundtable in Las Vegas on Thursday, Gingrich spokesperson R.C. Hammond told a group of reporters that the Gingrich campaign will be petitioning the Republican Party of Florida to try to get the state’s 50 delegates awarded proportionally. Responded the state’s Republican Party chairman, Lenny Curry, “It is a shame when the loser of a contest agrees to the rules before, then cries foul after losing.” ISN’T IT THOUGH? READ MORE »
Why is Donald Trump in the news again? Wasn’t he banished for the rest of 2012? Guess not. Besides the dingle-dongle Endorse Newt vs. Endorse Mittens moment of this morning, vulgar hair-weave troglodyte Donald Trump is also planning to bury people in his tacky country club golf course graveyard in New Jersey. Give Trump some credit for trying to sell something most people who “lucked into money” in New Jersey desperately fear: being buried in a landfill by their mob boss. READ MORE »
O blessed day! Breathing desert mirage Sharron Angle has emerged from her candle-lit study, after a meticulous examination of the remaining combatants for head GOP clown, to anoint the weirdest available clown of them all, Rick Santorum! She shuffled her thoughts about, then stapled them together and literally read them aloud, right there on Fox — just like she imagines the real politicians do! Politico is delicately referring to her endorsement as a “shot in the arm” for the Santorum campaign. Which, HELLO FRIEND, that’s not how Earth works!!! You cannot re-animate the corpse of a chupacabra. Like Santorum’s campaign, it doesn’t really exist, it cannot die, and it will never gallop triumphantly off into the sunset. Just not happening. It will haunt the landscape forever, unseen and yet everywhere. READ MORE »
