Today's News Anchor Vocabulary Word: 'Gyrocopter'

Florida Man Tries To Air-Drop Message To Congress, It Does Not Go Well

Reports that The Humungus had taken over the Ellipse turned out to be unsubstantiated
A Florida (OF COURSE) mailman’s attempt to call attention to campaign finance reform instead prompted a terrorism scare when the amateur aviator landed his gyrocopter on Capitol Hill Wednesday. 61-year-old Doug Hughes, of Ruskin, Florida, had been planning the flight for over a year, and apparently tried to publicize the stunt by building a website and telling the Tampa Bay Times about it in advance, but apart from getting a visit from the Secret Service last year — with no ...
  Teabagger Nice Time

Even This Cuddly Teabagger Dude Might Vote For Hillary, So He Can Keep His Beloved Obamacare

Obamacare yay, gay sprinkles in mah coffee BOO.
Tyrant Obama sure did set a mighty fine trap for the Republican Party, with their constant efforts to repeal Obamacare! With the full benefits of the Affordable Care Act starting to come to fruition in 2014, and even more this year, people around the country — even those who don tri-cornered hats and hold Gadsden Flags at Koch Bros.-funded tea party rallies — are starting to realize, well, goddamn, look at my general healthcare situation getting better! Rep. Cathy McMorris ...
  Daddy issues

Ted Cruz’s Dry-Drunk Daddy Will Save The Jews From Obama, For Jesus

Ted Cruz’s ex-drunk ex-deadbeat dad, Rafael, is a swell guy who loves to spread The Good Word about how God hand-selected his boy Ted to be the next president of the United States of Jesus. And also, of course, the Penultimate Good Word about how Obama sucks, as he did yet again while testifying to a group of Georgia teabaggers. “It was so shameful,” Cruz said, “how this president has treated Prime Minister Netanyahu.” OK, let us pause to note the irony of ...
  Snake River Jihad

Sure, Idaho, Child Support Bill Will Lead To Sharia Law. What? No, You’re Not Crazy At All

Get out of that state, get out of that state you're in. You better beware...
The Idaho Legislature’s 2015 session came to an exciting end Friday with a small group of nutjob Republicans killing off a bill to enforce child support judgments so Idaho wouldn’t have to fear living under the yoke of radical Islamic law. The decision to kill the bill endangers the state’s access to about $46 million in federal funding and to programs that help with processing child support payments and tracking down delinquent parents. But isn’t that a small price ...
  And next they'll ban talking!

Do Not Gaze Upon The Minnesota State Senate Like Common Eyeball-Havers, During Debate!

You will respect the sanctity of this hallowed place!
The Minnesota state Senate is a DIGNIFIED PLACE, and they will not have you misbehaving! Yes, the august institution that foisted Michele Bachmann on an unsuspecting world has rules, and you shan’t defy them! For one thing, they will be keeping their longstanding ban on members looking directly into each others’ eyes, for that is a violation of both decorum and privacy! Also, some of their Republican state senators are liable to view it as an animalistic challenge: On a 15-44 ...
  Tell us what you really think

Harry Reid Talking So Much Sh*t About Everybody Now, Does Not Give A Flying F*ck

Go on some more please!
Sen. Harry Reid (D-Boxing Ring) has rarely shied away from using his smack-talking Stern Words to smack-talk, sternly, but now that he is officially retiring at the end of this term, he really does NOT give an aerodynamic fuck at a mobile pastry. In an interview with CNBS’s John Harwood, Reid had SO MUCH to say, about pretty much everyone. Let’s enjoy! Asked about Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s recent letter to the National Governors Association telling states to just up and ...
  let them eat kale!

Jesus, Internet, What’s The Matter, Did Gwyneth Paltrow Bone Your Dad?

Movie star lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow has taken up the SNAP challenge — to eat only what she can afford on the $29 a week, on average, that people on food stamps receive. Did you know the Internet is VERY MAD about this? How dare this privileged princess make a mockery of hunger advocacy blah blah yortle blerp? HOW DARE YOU GWYNETH PALTROW???? First, let’s remove the organic free-range gluten-free broomstick from your ass, Internet. GWYNETH PALTROW HAS NOT HARMED YOU. ...
  It's like equality but different

Republican Ladies Have Own Equal Pay Bill, Aren’t They Just The Cutest Things?

Stop saying Republicans don’t care about women! They do TOO care about women. Just because they keep trying to pass laws to restrict women’s health care, and just because they suffer from verbal diarrhea about rape, and just because they think women don’t deserve equal pay for equal work because they keep blocking the Paycheck Fairness Act because that’ll just lead to unfair lawsuits against employers and murder all the jobs — none of that means they do not ...
  Is that a gun in your pants or you just happy to fly Southwest today?

TSA Fired That Dude Who Fondled Your Hot Peen At The Denver Airport

Just a few more minutes and we'll be done here!
Remember that time you were a super hot guy and you had to fly out of Denver? You were just going through the line like you always do, but all of a sudden they found an “anomaly,” which required some dude to stop what he was doing and give your family jewels some extra attention, just to make sure you weren’t hiding a heat-seeking missile in there. He touched you for a long time! You were creeped out, unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case you were ...
  A Pertussive Argument For Vaccinating

It Takes 7 Kids With Whooping Cough To Change 1 Anti-Vaxxer Mom’s Mind

Remember to come back to the kitten if you listen to the video
Seven. The answer is “Seven.” That’s how many of a Canadian mom’s children (out of seven) had to get whooping cough to persuade her that her previous opposition to vaccines was just a wee bit wrong-headed. The good news: All seven responded well to treatment and are now out of isolation. All it took to completely put Tara Hills’s anti-vax beliefs behind her was more than a week of home quarantine with seven children — the youngest just 10 months old ...
  Assholes on Parade

People Are Finally Going To Jail For Iraq War Crimes. No, Really!

Four Blackwater mercenaries were sentenced Monday for the 2007 massacre of 17 unarmed Iraqi civilians in Nisour Square, with three of the thugs getting 30-year sentences and their leader getting a full life in prison, which as of today makes them the only people to have gone to jail for the clusterfuck of horror that was the Iraq War. Small victory? It might have seemed like a slam dunk case for just about anyone who has ever even heard of the word “murder,” but would you like ...
  No not his Catholic church his other church

Surprise! Marco Rubio’s Church Is Full Of Demon-Wrasslers, Gay-Haters And Creationist Derp

Marco Rubio may very well believe this is happening right now, in the sky.
Marco Rubio has two churches in Miami. One, as you might imagine, is the Catholic kind, because the Cuban-American Rubio is Catholic. The other one is a ginormous Baptist affair, featuring demon-wrasslin’, homo-hatin,’ and a sincerely held religious belief that Jesus rode a dinosaur. But how can a person be both Catholic and Baptist at the same time? Let’s Wonksplore! Sunday mornings with the Virgin Mary, Saturday nights with Fun Jesus! As detailed in a report for Truth ...
  The answer is 4.5 billion years

How Old Is The Earth? Golly Gee, Republicans Running For President *Just Don’t Know*!

Barely Legal?
How old is the Earth? The Earth is approximately 4.5 billion years old. How do we know that the Earth is 4.5 billion years old? Magic Science. tl;dr: A bunch of people who know a lot of stuff did all these studies, and reviewed the evidence, and did some other sciencey things, and then they came to this broad consensus, 4.5 billion years. There are some people who believe that the Earth is only thousands of years old. Worse, they want you and your kids to believe it, too. Their evidence is ...
  We are just asking!

Did This Bunny Rabbit Just F*ck Himself To Death?!

Just like Liz Phair sang,
It’s time for another dispatch from Wonkette’s Funny Animal Fucking Videos department! Last time, we met Lu Lu, a Chinese panda bear who gave his Girl Frand Thang the D for EIGHT WHOLE MINUTES, which is a very long time for the panda bears to engage in sinful coitus! Today, we are on the other end of the spectrum, in many ways. First of all, bunny rabbits are much smaller than pandas, by AT LEAST half. Also, this here rabbit Don Juan manages to mount, do the deed, and possibly ...
  Avert your eyes!

Family Values Guy Says Hillary Clinton Is Too Ugly To Be President, Guess That’s That

Oh the horror!
Wingnut dickbag douchebreath Don Feder, former opinion “writer” from The Boston Herald and now of the “family values” group World Congress of Families, took a break from whining about The Gay and how the Jewishes suck at Jewing and could really learn from Pat freakin’ Robertson how to be better at that, to explain why Hillary Clinton — or, as he cleverly and values-y-ly calls her, “Hitlery” — will not be president. Everyone don your ...
  theocratic jackwagons and the politicians who love them

Jeb Bush Super Proud Of That Time He Tortured Terri Schiavo, For ‘Life’

Brave Sir Jeb
Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who is actually a sack of flour dumped into poorly tailored suits, is out on the campaign trail pandering to the religious right like a good Republican candidate for president. Yesterday he sat down for a radio interview with Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family, to brag about his actions defending life, such as the time he told his brother George W. Bush not to invade Iraq and maim and kill hundreds of thousands of people for absolutely no reason. Ha ...
  my god my god why hast thou forsaken me

Bristol Palin Living In Sin For Third Or Eighteenth Time, For Abstinence

Bristol is definitely not pregnant in this picture
We had nothing but Molotovs when we heard Bristol Palin had betrothed herself to Medal of Honor soldierman Dakota Meyer. We love love! And my God, after watching (parts of) her truly fucking terrible reality show, we genuinely wished for Bristol a relationship with a man (or special lady!) who wasn’t a dumb fucking idiot. Well, shooty Murkin hero Meyer posted to his Instagramz that he and Palin are shacked up in Kentucky, even though they have not even had their sacred union blessed ...
  Everybody knows real Mexicans only eat Taco Bell

Fox News: Hungover Hillary Ate At Chipotle To Woo The Spanishes, Newsflash!

This non-story just got even MORE non-storied
Hillary Clinton did a thing, and that thing is eating! Scandal, zomg, Drudge siren, congressional investigations, subpoenas, impeach, KILL US NOW. On Fox News, the “Outnumbered” ladies and the designated Dude o’ The Day had themselves a great laugh about Clinton’s stop at Chipotle in Ohio on Monday. Hosts Andrea Tantaros and Kennedy (yeah, the one who used to be a VJ on MTV) made so many #jokes about it, your sides will ache. Trigger warning for HIGHBROW HUMOR: ...
  It's like he was born with a soul or something

Credit Card CEO Doesn’t Want Employees To Starve, Will Be Kicked Out Of Capitalism Now

Dan Price can, um,
Heartwarming stories involving big financial services CEOs? They exist, apparently! Meet Dan Price, the CEO of Gravity Payments, a credit card processing company based in Seattle. According to the New York Times, Price had a novel idea, after hearing years and years of stories about how people, even those making $40K per year — which many would consider pretty decent — could have their lives thrown into financial chaos by simple things like medical bills or an asshole landlords ...
  Misandrist-in-chief

President Obama Declares War On Men

Manhater
Evil dictator and wager of the REAL war on women Barack Obama has switched it up, just for misandrist funsies, and is now warring on men for a change. He has proclaimed April 14 as National Equal Pay Day, “by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution,” which doesn’t even apply to him, DUH, does he even pay attention to Senate Republicans at all? On National Equal Pay Day, we mark how far into the new year women would have to work just to earn the same as men ...
  Sounds like somebody got her school nurse certificate online

Elementary School Nurse Will Determine If Students Are Patriotic Enough For Her Services

You pledge allegiance to Flag Cat right now!
It is a well-established fact that any American, for any reason, can refuse to say the Pledge Of Allegiance, as an exercise of their First Amendment rights. Perhaps they find it creepy, or aren’t too keen on the religious part of it (which, contrary to popular conservative myth, was only added in 1954, and not by Jesus himself). Perhaps they HATE AMERICA, but probably not. This was established by the Supreme Court in 1943, in a case called West Virginia Board Of Education v. Barnette, ...
  Why can't white men catch a break?

Bill O’Reilly: Hillary Clinton To Murder All The Poor White Christian Men, Goodbye America

The world’s greatest and bravest and most honest award-winning war correspondent and objective reporter, Bill O’Reilly, offered his own Hot Take on Hillary Clinton’s chances of beating all the Republicans to a bloody pulp in the 2016 election. In O’Reilly’s fair and balanced nonpartisan analysis, Clinton has the clear advantage, and the reason will amaze you! Our traditional American values are under siege nearly everywhere. If you’re a Christian or a white man ...