Here have some news n stuff

This Iowa Cop Knows Everyone Who Plays Frisbee Golf Smokes Weed

they probably played disc golf
There are a lot of stereotypes about people who engage in the inhaling of recreational marijuana, and let’s face it, they’re mostly all true, aren’t they? (Not that we would know, of course. [Okay, yeah we would totally know.]) Red eyes, slower reflexes, a ravenous hunger for ...
  Both Sides Don't Actually Do it

It’s OK, America, Crossfire Can’t Hurt You Anymore. Again. (Video)

That's one way to celebrate an anniversary
Can you believe that it’s been exactly 10 years (OK, yesterday) since Jon Stewart went on CNN’s Crossfire and told Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson (who still wore a bowtie at the time) that their show was “hurting America”? “I wanted to come here today and ...
  Conduct Unbecoming To A Human Being

Alaska National Guard A Hotbed Of Rapey Recruiters Led By End-Times Porn Baron

True fact: The Anchorage Press's filename for this photo is 'assface_lawendowski.jpg'
Wonkette would like to give a hearty welcome to Lt. Col. Joseph R. Lawendowski, our daily (hourly?) “He seems nice” contestant. Lt. Col. Lawendowski is a rough tough military man and the Deputy Chief of Staff for Operations and Training of the Alaska National Guard. Please note the ...
  Get An Ugly Girl To Marry You

Jen Rubin Wants You To Get Married. Yes All Of You. Even You!

ELAINE!!!
The Washington Post’s Jennifer Rubin wrote an extremely lazy column about how “Marriage = Happiness,” throwing a bunch of blockquotes together and calling it a day. Nice work if you can get it! For a column from the frequently bewildering Jennifer Rubin, it’s not even ...
  The Revisionist Thing

Rightwing Reads NYT Headline, Declares Bush Was Right About Everything

Miss him yet?
As we noted Wednesday, the New York Times has discovered that, after invading Iraq to keep Saddam Hussein from killing everybody with his huge Weapons of Mass Destruction program, which definitely included an ongoing program of building new chemical and nuclear weapons, the Bush administration ...
  Walker 2016

Oh Hey, Looks Like That Lady Might Beat Scott Walker, Huh!

Republican Gov. Scott Walker might be too busy pre-presidenting to notice the disaster he’s been as union-busting boss of the great state of Wisconsin, but a new Marquette University poll suggests that a growing number of likely voters in the state are on to him. Scotty is now running ...
  Probably should be quarantined

Fox’s Shep Smith Goes Rogue, Probably Has Ebola

He doesn't look well, does he?
While the rest of the inmates at the Fox “News” asylum are having themselves the biggest pants-crapping meltdown over Ebolapocalypseghazigate since some Muslim guy inhaled and then exhaled just like a terrorist, Shep Smith — the guy known as the very lonely lone voice of ...
  confederate flag? hey look over there!

If The Confederate Flag Is OK With Yankee Businessmen, It’s OK With Nikki Haley

What if we put Kermit on the flag? Everyone loves Kermit.
Sweet Siddhartha of Myrtle Beach, did someone crack open the skull of Gov. Nikki Haley (R-Of Course) of South Carolina, scoop out her brain, and replace it with a lump of guacamole? Sure, she governs a state populated by rancid goobers who have an unholy attachment to the Confederate flag, and ...
  Let's Move Somewhere Sane

Rand Paul Buys Donuts, Michelle Obama Can Suck It

They can take our brains, but they'll never take...OUR CRULLERS!
Just a quick gut check on American Political Discourse in 2014: Freedom is about stuffing as much fried food into your gullet as you can, and there’s no way we’ll let the meddling First Lady cram arugula down our throats. Aw, Michelle Obama, YA BURNT! Or deep-fried! If she said ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Here’s A Thing That Happened: Rachel Maddow May Or May Not Wear Pants (Video)

Only the crew knows for sure
Our Maddow piece today is a short, nearly silent “And now, here’s a thing…” bit on the embarrassing discovery that Massachusetts Republican candidate for governor Charlie Baker — whose campaign ads have been all about jobs, jobs, jobs — was given an award in ...
  To Affinity And Beyond

Fox’s Keith Ablow: Obama’s Doing Ebola To America Because Of His African Affinities

Fox & Klanz
Worst Psychiatrist Ever Dr. Keith Ablow of the Fox Network’s “Medical A-Team” — they were accused of medical expertise they didn’t have, we guess — explained Tuesday why Barack Negro Blackity-Blackfella Obama is allowing Ebola to run rampant in the United ...
  We Are Saying He Is Shit Is What We Are Saying

In Florida Election, The Rick Just Hit The Fan

The moment Rick Scott lost the election
In what any Very Serious Journalist would consider a disqualifying move that requires the Republican Party to abandon the race completely, Florida Gov. Rick Scott refused to debate his Democratic opponent, the former Republican and former governor of Florida Charlie Crist (because of course; ...
  Now From Our Boise Bureau

Idahoans Like Butch Otter, Hate Hillary Clinton, Go Both Ways On Potatoes

Looks like the pogayto will be getting a lot of work now
Our pals at Public Policy Polling (we like to say they’re our pals, but they don’t know us from Adam’s off ox) have graced us with a poll on the Idaho midterm elections, and you will be astonished to learn that Idahoans are probably going to elect a bunch of Republicans again. ...
  Slop Goes The Needle

Looks Like It’s Time To Execute Another Mentally Ill Guy, For Justice

Not sure this makes a point about the story -- mostly just wanted to execute a Lego figure.
We know you’re all sick of Ebola and ISIS, so here’s a pick-me-up: Texas is fixing to execute Scott Pannetti, who is so disconnected from reality that he buried a sofa and other furniture in his yard because he was sure the Devil was in it. He murdered his in-laws in 1992, in front ...
  This pie will give you 'O' face

Have An Orgasm For Jesus With Teresa Of Avila’s Chess Apple Pie!

Today we celebrate the feast of Teresa of Ávila, also known as Teresa of Jesus. Teresa found life in a 16th century Spanish convent too full of gossip and other social activity to be able to really get down to deep thought and prayer, so she took some other bookish nuns to the outskirts of ...
  nope no war on women here

South Carolina: Sorry Your Partner Beats You, Too Bad You Can’t Stand Your Ground

Put down that knife, little lady.
Hey there, South Carolina! How are you making life in your state feel like a Beckett play today? South Carolina is one of more than 20 states that has passed an expansive Stand Your Ground law authorizing individuals to use deadly force in self-defense […] In the cases of women who claim they ...
  Not quite ready for 2016

Jeb Bush Doesn’t Know What Paycheck Fairness Is, But He Knows It’s Bad

He's with stupid
It seems Jeb “The Smart One” Bush — former governor of Florida and close, personal brother of America’s worst president EVER — might not be ready for 2016 just yet. Jeb has been poking his head out of the family compound over the last year or so to see if America ...
  Coup Coup Kachoo

Hey It’s Not Like This Missouri Official Actually Wants To Kill The President

Let's not get carried away now...
You’d think that by now, there’d be a memo to all minor Republican officials reminding them to avoid saying really stupid things on the internet. Happily for Yr Wonkette, there’s either no such memo, or Debbie Dunnegan, the recorder of deeds for Jefferson County, Missouri, ...
  its a gas gas gas

U.S. Found Chemical Weapons In Iraq, All Right (The Ones We Gave Saddam)

Oh, never mind: It says 'Made in USA'
The New York Times has a huge Pulitzer-bait story by C.J. Chivers about injuries to U.S. military forces from old, unstable chemical weapons in Iraq, and how the Bush administration and the Pentagon covered it all up. It’s big, it’s a jaw-dropping exposé of shoddy treatment of ...
  the winds of change

Is This Scott Walker Farting?

poot.
Wonket operative “Lisa” writes in with the HOT TIP about Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker possibly making a pooty in his pants: Hey there Wonkette, During the live feed of Scott Walker’s Milwaukee Journal Sentinel editorial board meeting, I’m pretty sure he farted: At 1h 1m ...
  field trips

Republicans Celebrate Success Of Voter Suppression With Fancy Luncheon

One smug bastard
Voter fraud is so hot right now. This year’s midterm elections are only a few weeks away, and courts are still ruling left and right on the identification requirements that states can impose on their voters as a remedy to the virtually non-existent threat of voter impersonation. ...
  Your Morning Maddow

There’s A Secret Train Station Under The Waldorf-Astoria, And Rachel Maddow Loves It (Video)

Delighted Rachel Is Delighted
Rachel Maddow loves this story so much she can hardly stand it. Just before the Crash of 1929, a “last bit of Gilded Age Amazement” was announced in the New York Times: The then-new Waldorf-Astoria hotel would include its very own underground rail siding, where the filthy rich could ...