Here have some news n stuff

John Boehner to Medicare: Drop Dead!

Finally a reason to smile
For a guy who keeps insisting he will impeach the hell out of Obamacare, Weeper of the House John Boehner sure does seem to like it. A LOT. Now that he is 65 years orange, he’s eligible for Social Security and Medicare, as his good friend across the aisle and excellent Twitter troll Nancy ...
  This Is The Viral Video You're Looking For

Jedi Activists Fight Street Mind-Tricks With Inspiring Video

Never get out of the sandcrawler. Goddamn right!
Oh, sure, it’s been a little while since the “10 Hours of a Woman Walking in NYC” video was Quite The Big Deal, but it’s never too late for a really good parody. And here is an admirable one: “10 Hours of Princess Leia Walking in NYC,” featuring characters ...
  dept. of having many leather-bound books

Serious Pundit Ron Fournier Tries To Defend Himself, Re-Steps On His Own Dick

Important thoughts from a man who looks like a thumb.
Poop spigot Ron Fournier took quite a hiding on the Internet yesterday over his regular outbreak of “both sides-ism,” and rightly so. Today he is back to try to explain himself with a whiny and defensive column that still manages to be flat-out wrong. If yesterday’s piece was the dumpster fire ...
  Science Is For Dorks

Mitch McConnell Is Not A Scientist, Except When He Is

SCIENCE, BETCH
Mitch McConnell is not a scientist — just ask him! The next Senate Majority Leader does not care much for science, with all its high-falutin’ book-larnin’ and its incomprehensible metric system and what have you. However, when it comes to the Keystone XL pipeline, McConnell ...
  The Master's A Tool

Massachusetts Parents Freaked Out By Textbook That Says Not All Slaves Were Tortured

Remember how the Teaheads in Chandler Gilbert (Dok’s geographic aphasia strikes again), Arizona, are on the cusp of murdering some biology textbooks because the books say that abortion is a thing that exists? Well, it’s time for a big ol’ “Both Sides Do It!” ...
  You’ll take this harassment and you’ll like it

Compassionate Sidewalk ‘Counselors’ Just Want Women To Stop Being Whores Is All

She's just trying to help, ya whore
Everyone knows about those lone-wolf anti-choicers who maybe go a little bit too far with their cause when they, say, bomb an abortion clinic or shoot a doctor dead in his own church. But those are the exceptions. Most anti-choice activists are harmless and sweet, and they really do just care ...
  Wingnut Wish List

Mississippi Group Gonna Make Christianity The State Religion Without Violating Constitution, Just You See

Sure Why Not?
In a great victory for freedumb, the “Magnolia State Heritage Campign” is pushing a ballot initiative that would finally give the state’s Christian heritage the recognition that it deserves, writing into law that Mississippi is a “principally Christian and ...
  Go Get Your Bass

‘Republican Rainbow Coalition’ Is A Real Thing, Says Delusional Idiot

GET IT!?
O the joys of being a young conservative hack. You’re on a glide path to David Brooks’ seat on the New York Times op-ed board, and all you have to do is rewrite GOP press releases into #PoliticalHotTakes! Literally your only job is to make those talking points sound plausible, ...
  Just like your mom never made

Have Some Real Homemade Hamburger Helper That Is Real Good, For Real

Live from Chicagoland, with little time to spare, we are shamelessly helping hamburger make a great meal! This one-skillet dinner is going to mash your comfort button with both thumbs, in about a half-hour. Yes, I am so going there. My mother, like plenty of mothers, used to make Hamburger ...
  Death Panels For Your Bandwidth

Ted Cruz Finds Exciting New Ways To Be Wrong About Net Neutrality

Then WHO WAS PHONE?
As we have established pretty clearly, Ted Cruz doesn’t know a damned thing about Net Neutrality, and he is also quite proud of his ignorance. So proud that he even wrote a whole column full of stupid, in which he repeated his Twitter catchphrase and then added more pure wrongness: In ...
  Rules Were Made To Be Broken

Oh Hey GOP, Whatcha Doin’? Breakin’ Some Laws?

No, honey, the rats are just playing a little rough.
You guys are not going to believe this, but CNN broke a story, and it’s got everything — political malfeasance, coded tweets, Karl Rove! It’s a story that once again reinforces how crappy Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy’s reasoning in Citizens United was, and like ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Remember How St. Reagan Got Impeached For Executive Order On Immigration? (Video)

The fax pun isn't integral to the story. But if Rachel were a wizard, her horse would be named Maddowfax.
Monday’s Rachel Maddow Show kicked off with one of those “where’s she going?” bits, about the odd technologically outmoded conversations between Pope Francis and his best American bud, Cardinal Seán O’Malley — they fax each other all the time, as a 60 Minutes ...
  Time to start offending people who don't live in Iowa

Chris Christie Throws New Jersey Lady-Pigs Under 2016 Campaign Bus

Christie smash
Chris Christie is a master of pre-presidential innovation. Having spent the 2014 midterm season hitting key states to campaign for Republican candidates, Christie has moved on to a bold new tactic: inviting Iowans to decide which laws are best for New Jersey where he is, at least nominally, ...
  Derp In The Cathedral

Nice Christian Lady Mad At Energy Drinks, Muslims, Saves America

Are you getting enough paranoia in your daily diet?
We have an important follow-up to our story about Louie Gohmert and his impassioned stand against a Muslim prayer service at Washington’s National Cathedral. As we mentioned in that piece, the actual prayer service on Friday was interrupted by a Christian who was just shocked and ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Cool New Rules At The L.A. Times: No More Vacation Days, And You Can Never Be Sick Again

Yeahhhhhhhh, you're gonna have to work anyway
It’s really hard to imagine that anyone could think this is a wise management decision: Starting January 1, staffers will no longer be able to bank vacation — because they won’t automatically earn or be entitled to any vacation, sick days or floating holidays. To get any time off, a ...
  We Have always Been At War With Crustacea

You Will Be Outraged By The Tax Dollars Not Spent On This Dumb Science Thing!

Boondoggle! Government Waste! Volcano Monitoring!
You probably heard about the terrible waste of money where the National Science Foundation threw three million dollars at some stupid scientists who ran shrimp on a treadmill, we bet. It was big news in 2008, and kept on being huge news. Sen. Tom Coburn and Mike Huckabee (God’s Flatulent ...
  You’re all grounded Missouri

Missouri Gov. Nixon Declares State Of Emergency Just Because Why Not

Just in case
Did you hear about the total disaster that hit Missouri recently? Oh, probably not because there wasn’t any. (Unless you’re including the KKK’s public relations disaster informing the world that yes, they WILL exercise their rights to defend themselves against threats real or ...
  today in hilarious rape comedy

Listen To Bill Cosby’s Taped Confession. We Mean ‘Comedy’ ‘Routine’

with the jello and the pudding
Our pals at the Village Voice’s Running Scared blog have done some journalism: they have actually listened to Bill Cosby’s old albums, until they found a HILARIOUS bit about how AWESOME it would be to have a drug you could put in ladies’ drinks until they wanted to fuck you! ...
  leading leaders lead with leadership

Serious Pundit: Dumb Obama Forced GOP To Vote Against GOP Healthcare Plan

Was there any other picture we could have used?
Ron Fournier has written many dumb columns in his career. In fact, Ron Fournier has written only dumb columns in his career. But today he has outdone himself by gracing our political centrists, yearning as they are for some bipartisanship, with the dumbest column of his, nay, of any pundit’s ...
  Porn Again

Your Pastafarian Porn Lady Of The Day

Stop fapping, this is srs bsns
In a story that is no doubt Relevant To Wonkers’ Interests, former adult film actress Asia Lemmon, who also goes by Jessica Steinhauser and used to perform as “Asia Carrera” (apparently nothing’s hotter than thinking of Porsches while watching porn), got her Utah ...
  We’re just not that into her

Carly Fiorina Begs America To Beg Her To Run For President

The view from inside Carly's head
Lady Republican Carly Fiorina – whose name is pretty much synonymous with “EPIC FAIL” and “Demon Sheep” and “LOL!!!” — is pretty sure there is a groundswell of grassroots support for her to run for president. At least if she can convince the ...
  It's Like Sophie's Choice Met Dumb And Dumber

Donald Trump Will Either Run For President, Stay On Fox, Or Become Ballerina Princess Veterinarian

Why Not the Pest?
In what is undoubtedly the YOOGEST news since the last time Donald Trump said anything, Donald Trump hinted today on Fox & Friends that the situation in Washington has become so intolerable, what with the fraud and the lying and the dishonesty and the Obamacare that just doesn’t work ...