That'll teach you to be poor

It’s Arizona’s Turn To F*ck The Poors, Again

Jesus was a fiscal conservative
Arizona is all out of money, whoops, so the Republicans who control the state have decided, in their fiscally conservative wisdom, to close the $1 billion budget gap by cutting welfare that the federal government pays for. Good plan, guaranteed to work, no? Low-income families on welfare will now have their benefits cut off after just 12 months. As a result, the Arizona Department of Economic Security will drop at least 1,600 families – including more than 2,700 children – from ...
  Shucks And Aww

Even Crazy Old Pat Robertson Knows Iraq War Was A Mistake, Sorta

Funny, he didn't prophesy that coming
Pat Robertson is just the latest rightwinger to decide that, as of right now, the Iraq War wasn’t such a terrific idea after all. Not that George W. Bush sold us the war based on a pack of lies or anything — he was just misled by the flawed intelligence, don’t you know. But on Tuesday’s episode of the 700 Club, Robertson was pretty clear that the war was a bad idea from the get-go, and everybody knew it (except for how they didn’t know it at the time, of ...
  sup bro?

Toe-Tapping Sen. Larry Craig Liked His Manwhores Butch (No Femmes, No Asians, No Fats)

And then he did it to me like this.
Well, well, well, your favorite former senator, the “Larry Craig” one who liked to teabag you with his “wide stance” in the men’s room at the airport, is back in the news! You remember him. He is the one who was 100 percent certain that the homosexuals were NOT sucking his cock, because he was married, to a lady! And now we know what his Grindr profile would have looked like, if Grindr had existed back when he was the man-sexing, closeted senator from Idaho. ...
  Save The Drilling Rigs Save The World

Fox Host To Grads: Want To Save The World? Go Work For Big Oil

From 'Children's shows we never watched, Volume 3'
It’s Graduation Season, and time for all kinds of inspiring thoughts from Olds to Youngs, mostly aimed at telling the Youngs to not fuck things up as badly as the Olds did. One exception, of course, was Kurt Vonnegut, who reminded graduates at Bennington in 1970 that they couldn’t possibly hope to save the world because they had no money or power: “You don’t even know how to handle dynamite.” But he nonetheless urged them, once they did gain some money and ...
  65% of new jersey voters can't be wrong

New Jersey Loves Chris Christie Too Much To Share Him With America

America needs him.
According to New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, there is just not enough of him to go around, and New Jersey residents would be very upset and jealous if he betrayed them by running for president of U.S. America. In an interview with Fox News lady Megyn Kelly, Christie said that the little fact that 65 percent of New Jersey voters think he would be a bad president is of absolutely no consequence. Because, you see, New Jersey voters are just lying, because they would be far too upset if he left ...
  poor babies

Guess Which Whiny Crybaby Congressjerk Wants A Pay Raise This Time

Congress
Just to prove that Republicans do not have a monopoly on dick moves, Florida Rep. Alcee Hastings, who is ostensibly a Democrat — the kind who won’t campaign against Republicans — is the latest member of Congress to whine about how underpaid he is, it’s so unfair, members of Congress can barely survive on their six-figure salaries, waaaaaaaah: “Members deserve to be paid, staff deserves to be paid and the cost of living here is causing serious problems for people who ...
  Killing Credibility

Bill O’Reilly: My Daughter Is A Dirty Liar, I Never Beated Up Her Mom

You'd be surprised how many hits you get for 'Bill O'Reilly angry.' Actually, you wouldn't
Bill O’Reilly would like you all to know he never ever assaulted his ex-wife, Maureen McPhilmy — never happened, not true, no way. Forget that story Monday about him dragging her down a staircase by the neck. Shut up, or he’ll rip off your head and shit down your neck hole. In a statement given to Politico by his attorney, O’Reilly denied everything: All allegations against me in these circumstances are 100% false … I am going to respect the court-mandated ...
  Justice Delayed...Some More

Cleveland Cop Who Killed 12-Year-Old Tamir Rice Will Be Investigated Someday. Maybe.

It took two seconds to kill him, but six months is too soon to talk about it
Being reassigned to desk duty must keep a cop awfully busy. That’s the only explanation we can think of for why Cleveland Police Officer Timothy Loehmann, who shot 12-year-old Tamir Rice dead on Nov. 22, 2014, still hasn’t been interviewed by investigators from the Cuyahoga County Sheriff’s Department. He probably has a lot of filing to do. You know how that sort of work can pile up, especially if you’re burdened by the knowledge that you killed a child who was ...
  gross

Ma And Pa Duggar Still Trying To Make ALL The Babies, For Jesus

You can't tell, but the Duggars are doing sex to each other RIGHT NOW.
It would seem that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have taken your Wonkette’s advice, about how they need more babies, since the Muslims are going to outnumber the Christians very, very soon (55 years from now). So off to the marital bed they have been skipping, because according to their own words, they’ve been fuckin’. In a new interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, they explained that they are SO EXCITED that their grown-up opposite-married kids are having all ...
  Farwell To The Keystone Kops Panzer Division

Mean Obama Won’t Let Cops Play With All Their Badass Military Toys

First they came for that camo, and I said nothing...
Just like some mean federal consumer agency taking away all the lawn darts, Killjoy-In-Chief Barack Obama has ended the practice of sending high-end surplus military equipment to local police departments, which is going to put a real damper on the Mayberry P.D.’s plans for an armored assault on Miss Jennifer and Miss Clarabelle’s still. The restrictions were recommended by a task force Obama created in January, which determined that police departments didn’t really need ...
  Little known codicils

Fox & Friends OUTRAGED We Don’t Get To Kill Boston Marathon Bomber Yet

The trifecta of stupid that hosts “Fox & Friends” just learned a new thing on Monday, and that thing is called the appeals process. Turns out that in our soft-on-crime justice system, even someone who is convicted of a crime is legally entitled to appeal, and the Fox bobbleheads think that is some bullshit right there, because you should be able to fry a guilty party up but good, no waiting. Last week, Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was sentenced to death by a jury ...
  knowing things is hard

Marco Rubio Gets His Chance To Flub Iraq Question, Nails It

Answers is tough and is not my favorite.
Marco Rubio is very confused by Chris Wallace’s Iraq questions, which are the same questions Jeb Bush continually fucked up last week, so, as a Serious Heavyweight Presidential Contender, he should have been prepared. However, whereas Jeb Bush’s face would gloss over in confusion every time he tried to answer Iraq questions, Marco Rubio took the entirely different brilliant tack of insisting that the questions were hard, refusing to understand them, and being downright ...
  sadface

Bristol Palin’s Wedding CANCELED, Let’s Make Up Reasons Why

But they looked so happy, in Kentucky, with their guns!
SAD NEWS, everybody. Sarah Palin will no longer have a new son-in-law to “eye-fuc,” because the impending nuptials of Bristol Palin and Dakota Meyer, planned for this weekend, have been 86’ed, as reported by Mama Grizzly Dumb Ass, on the Facebook: We were very happy for Bristol when she announced in March that she and Dakota Meyer were going to gay marry each other in the traditional marriage parts, and also too when they announced in April that they were living in sin. We ...
  Inconceivable!

We Are Shocked To Learn That Bill O’Reilly Beated Up His Wife, Allegedly

Fuck it, we'll do it domestic abusively!
GUYS! You are not going to believe this, but it’s just possible that Bill O’Reilly, in addition to being a scummy liar who lies and bullies people and is generally the worst person ever, also allegedly assaulted his ex-wife sometime before the couple separated in 2010. O’Reilly and his former spouse, Maureen McPhilmy, have been fighting over custody of the couple’s two minor children; according to Gawker, the judge in the case awarded full custody to McPhilmy three ...
  I see England I see France I can see Russia from my house

Scott Walker Will Be Best President Of America, Because He’s Been To Europe Like Twice

Less charisma than a sleeping basset hound, and nowhere near as cute.
Despite the fact that presidential candidate Carly Fiorina (R-LOL) has explained that going places on airplanes — like that know-nothing Hillary Clinton, who used to be Secretary of State — is not the same thing as actual foreign policy experience, her likely rival for the nomination, Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin (R-Zzzzzzz), apparently is not paying attention, because he told Bob Schieffer on Face The Nation that he will be so much better of a president than Hillary Clinton, ...
  Christ what an asshole

Jeb Bush Says More Dumb Stuff, And It’s Not Even About Iraq This Time

After a full week of fucking up a simple yes-or-no question about invading Iraq, Jeb Bush dropped a fresh fail-flavored dookie in the punchbowl this weekend, during an interview on the Christian Broadcasting Network: A big country, a tolerant country, ought to be able to figure out the difference between discriminating against someone because of their sexual orientation and not forcing someone to participate in a wedding that they find goes against their moral beliefs. We should be able to ...
  with militias intent

Failed Congressional Candidate Planned To Kill Some Muslims As Love Offering To Sean Hannity

Those aren't crazy eyes at all, no sir
Let’s meet Robert Doggart, who ran last year as an independent for Tennessee’s 4th Congressional District (and lost rather badly, getting just 6.4 percent of the vote). But he’s not the sort of guy to just dabble in politics as a fringe candidate; he decided to face America’s problems head on, plotting to lead a militia attack on a Muslim community in New York, a bit of patriotic direct action that could get him five years in prison, which seems maybe a little light ...
  Trolling like a boss

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Smears Constitution All Over Everyone At Gay Wedding

Just another reason to love the best justice on the court
The baddest boozing broad on the bench, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, presided over yet another same-sex wedding this weekend (or “wedding” as normal people call it), because all the haters can SUCK IT: Wearing her black robe with her signature white lace collar, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg presided over the marriage on Sunday afternoon of Michael Kahn, the longtime artistic director of the Shakespeare Theater Company in Washington, and Charles Mitchem, who works at an ...
  actuarial tables are so mean

GOP Full Of Olds Who Will Die Soon, Says Science

These ladies were never part of the GOP base.
According to an article in Politico, the GOP may have a bit of a problem going into the 2016 election, and it’s not that all their candidates are morons who frighten the American people, though that is also an issue. Rather, it’s that many of the people who make up their core voting base are Olds, which means statistically, they may die before they can bring Mike Huckabee the victory his heart desires: There’s been much written about how millennials are becoming a reliable ...
  This Is Working Very Well For Them

Fox News: Obama’s Wrong, We Hardly Ever Shame Those Lazy Poor Leeches

The Fox News Nuh-Uh Squad continues its response to President Obama’s cruel assertion that Fox portrays poor people as lazy leeches who sponge off government benefits. On Sunday’s MediaBuzz, Howard Kurtz and Brit Hume had a little chat about Obama’s latest assault on the defenseless cable network, and they agreed that Fox doesn’t portray the poor unfairly, because when Fox viewers think of poor people, they think of exactly the kind of poor people Fox shows, so ...
  Vote Graham or he'll drone this dog

Lindsey Graham Running For President, Will Kill You For Your Thoughts If Elected

Dream on
Sen. Lindsey Graham, the southern gentleman from South Carolina, has been threatening for months to run for president, promising to be an excellent president for rich white men everywhere and to “literally use the military” to force Congress to do his bidding. Why does he think he can win? Who exactly does he think will vote for him? No idea, but we laughingly welcome him to the race, as he announced on Monday his intention to announce his intention to run for president, which ...
  Let's See How They Blame This On Gay Marriage

9 Dead In Waco Biker Fight; Armed Society Not Quite So Polite

Almost certainly the fault of single mothers
Nine bikers were killed in a fight at a restaurant in Waco, Texas, Sunday, as rival motorcycle gangs fought each other over not much of anything. The violence has left observers wondering what it is about Texan people that leads them to such wanton violence; we’re waiting in vain for so-called “moderate Texans” to condemn the actions of the thugs within their midst. The fight broke out at a “Twin Peaks” restaurant, a chain we were surprised to learn is more an ...