taxes are also slavery

Rand Paul’s Utopian Vision For America Does Not – Repeat, DOES NOT – Include Slavery

We are really looking forward to Sen. Rand Paul’s upcoming presidential run, when the Aqua Buddha enthusiast will trot out his knowledge of American history that he learned reading the children’s menu at a Bob Evans off the interstate in Harlan County. Remarkably, this will be a step up in the ...
  Cry for me Argentina ... and everyone else

Mark Sanford So Sorry To Have Created All This Drama All By Himself

thinking ... thinking ... thinking ...
In case you missed it, which is impossible because no one missed it, Rep. Mark Sanford (R-Tragicville) felt compelled on Friday to share all of his personal turmoil on his Facebook page. All 2000-plus words of it, which we conveniently summarized for you, you’re welcome. Since Friday, ...
  only sexists talk about sexism

Senate Republicans Stand Up For Ladies’ Right To Be Paid Unfairly

Let Mitch get this round, ladies
Ladies of America, are you feeling that warm reassurance you get from having manly champions who will fight for you in the halls of power? Pack your sunglasses because no matter what the weather, a sickly orange glow of self-congratulation will be coming your way from the Senate Republicans ...
  clipbait

Jon Stewart: Lindsey Graham Still Panicked About Boogeymen Under His Bed (Video)

We're all gonna die!
There’s a foreign policy crisis out there in the great big world, and that means it’s time for Sen. Lindsey Graham to take to Fox News and tell us just how imperiled we are. And so on Fox News Sunday, on Fox News, Sunday, Graham warned that President Obama had better get some troops ...
  Your morning cup of wut?

Airplanes Are Not Like Slave Ships After All And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Hi this is not what slavery looks like
In today’s news, we have bad analogies (like, really bad), quite possibly the greatest movie review of all time, Fox News being wrong about something (okay, that’s not exactly news, but it is funny), and of course SCIENCE! Sorry about that: Last Saturday an editorial cartoon ran on ...
  Ready For ISIS...But What About Shazam?

Crazy Fox & Friends Sheriff Will Make ISIS Pee Themselves, Ayup!

Sheriff Elmer Fudd
Meet Sheriff Gary Painter of Midland County, Texas. He is not going to let ISIS invade his beautiful American Texas of the United States, no sir! In what can only be described as performance art, Fox & Friends’ Elizabeth Hasselbeck and the sheriff traded rightwing blog rumors about ...
  It's a man's game. For men.

Rush Limbaugh Can’t Believe Sportsball Players Aren’t Even Allowed To Beat Their Wives, Unfair!

Not a real man obviously
Have you heard the about the latest NFL outrage? Nah, bro, not that the Minnesota Vikings will allow admitted baby-beater Adrian Peterson to return to the game because reasons. And not the other outrage about how the NFL finally got around to firing lady-beater Baltimore Raven Ray Rice — ...
  Statuary Rape

Pennsylvania 14-Year-Old Could Get Two Years In Prison For Desecrating Jesus Statue’s Mouth With His Wanger

Wham Bam Thank You Lamb Of God
A Pennsylvania teen is getting an education in morality and jurisprudence after he posted photos of himself pretending to do oral sex with a statue of Our Lord And Savior, Jumped-Up Jesus H. Face-Fucker. The young miscreant, a resident of Everett, Pennsylvania, posed with a statue in front of ...
  if that ain't love then tell me what is

Portland, Oregon, Come Get Your Sloe Gin Fizz, At Your Wonkette Drinky Thing

We don’t think Base Camp Brewing has sloe gin fizzes, but they claim to have a real purty patio, and nice people, and no Pabst. So come on, Portland, and let your Wonket buy you pitchers of beer and platters of fried things, this Saturday, Sept. 20, Base Camp Brewing, 930 SE Oak Street, ...
  The Beatings Will Continue

Vital Sportsball Update: Admitted Baby-Beater Adrian Peterson Can Play Next Week Because ‘Due Process’

Just remember not to spike the poor thing in the end zone
We have important breaking news, America! Monday just got a little bit worse! The Minnesota Vikings Foot-the-ball organisation announced this morning that it will re-activate Adrian Peterson, the running back who was deactivated (but still drew a paycheck) for Sunday’s f’ball game ...
  Four Canned In Ohio

Urban Outfitters Will Definitely Not Be Selling Newtown-Themed Rompers

Seems tasteful enough
Here’s a pretty good marketing scheme: Sell classic university-logo sweatshirts that have been naturally weathered, so they look all old-fashioned n’ stuff. Like that Kent State shirt up top, only $129 from Urban Outfitters. It’s pretty cool, unless maybe you give the photo a ...
  Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting

Palin Rumble Update: Palins Didn’t Start The Fight, They Just Finished It

Details still trickling in
More details continue to emerge regarding the Great Big Palin Brawl of ’14. We aren’t going to go into all the various he-said/she-said/she-screeched-like-a-demented-hellbeast scenarios, but the basics are that a whole bunch of Palins got into a punching match with a number of ...
  Have some religious experience for lunch

We Salute You, St. Joseph Of Cupertino, With Flying Friar Pasta Salad

See the lady in the background carrying some pasta salad?
September 18 is the feast of St. Joseph of Cupertino, a dimwitted 17th century Italian monk. He is the patron saint of test takers because when he was about to take an exam, he prayed that he’d only be asked the questions he knew, and God delivered! His patronage also includes astronauts ...
  Domestic Terrorist

Child Beaters: Adrian Peterson’s Four-Year-Old Obviously Had It Coming

If you think leaving scars on a 4-yeear-old is OK, then no, you did not turn out OK.
[There are some fucked-up pics in here, FYI.] Minnesota Vikings f’ball man Adrian Peterson did not play f’ball on Sunday because he was indicted for child abuse on Friday. The abuse charges were brought in Texas, a state that isn’t exactly known for being unfriendly to ...
  clipbait

John Oliver Brings You The Scottish Independence Story You Didn’t Know You Were Dying To See (Video)

Freedom, sugar tits!
John Oliver and Last Week Tonight have a real treat for us this week: the funniest reporting on this week’s Scottish vote on whether to leave the United Kingdom. Yes, Scotland – which Americans know as “the birthplace of Shrek and that accent you think you can do but actually ...
  welfare kings

Arizona Republican Resigns Just For Trying To Save America With Rice And Beans And No Babies For Poors

Russell Pearce is a man with a vision. He is also a man with an AM radio show. The recalled Arizona Senate leader, architect of the “papers please” immigration law — and, until his sudden resignation late Sunday night, state GOP vice chair — recently took to the airwaves ...
  Your morning cup of wut?

This 9/11 Story Will Make You Cry In The Good Way And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Wake up, Wonketeers, the weekend’s over. Back to the stone what we grind, with some awwwwwwwww news, awful news, and yup, SCIENCE! It’s not often you read a story about 9/11 and cry happy tears and thank whomever it is you thank when you are grateful that this story has a happy ...
  But Still More ISIS Than You Want

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Kinetic Action, Dead Saints, And Less ISIS Than You Might Think

In this alternate universe, the Sunday NYT has a comics section
Good morning, ye Wonkers! Today’s top story is that Yr Doktor Zoom is once again breathing through both nostrils. You may have thought that ISIS or Syria or sportsball scandals or something was big, but that is merely because you Lack Perspective. Sadly, your Sunday New York Times has ...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Two Jews Walk Into Wasilla

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
“So Todd just comes beepin’ up — be-boppin’ on up stairs, right? Um…interrupted me a little bit…and he says, ‘Hey, Sarah, there’s these two really nice guys from New Jersey, they’re in the dri–.’ C’mere, Todd!” And ...
  the plane! the plane!

Dead Children And A Deadbeat Dad: Mark Sanford’s Sad, Sleazy Divorce Hearing Transcript (EXCLUSIVE, FOR REAL)

Nice
For real Wonkette exclusive must credit Wonket: In a post-divorce family court hearing transcript obtained by Wonkette, we learn even more sordid details about South Carolina Rep. Mark Sanford and his divorce from ex-wife Jenny, including: That Mark was a deadbeat dad who was found in contempt ...
  These Textbooks Sound Awfully Familiar

New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation

It is a right, actually. Not an excuse, however.
Well here’s a heck of a surprise! You may remember how Texas re-wrote its standards for history books back in 2010, to make sure that kids learned the important parts of history, like who Phyllis Schlafly is and how the Constitution was inspired by the Bible, while downplaying the ...
  fa-fa-fa-fa-fashion

What To Wear To Your Late Summer Brawl: The Palin Family’s Fashion Do’s!

Late summer. The perfect time to crash a birthday party, punch the host in the face multiple times, and shriek obscenities at all and sundry. But WHAT TO WEAR? If you are Sarah Palin, the answer is “platform shoes with American flags on them.” You guys, I think I just got hard. ...