Schism In Their Pants

Southern Baptists Unfriend California Congregation For Insufficient Gay-Hating

Bring the comfy chair, too!
The Southern Baptist Convention voted unanimously to expel a California church that was entirely too friendly to gay homosexuals, bringing order back to the cosmos and making clear that unlike other issues, such as divorce, there is no room for doctrinal disagreement on The Love That Refuses To ...
  You know who else didn't spend a lot of time in Kansas?

Republican Sen. Pat Roberts Says We’ll All Be Nazis Soon, Sure Why Not?

blah blah blah Nazis are coming blah blah blah
Republican Sen. Pat Roberts of Virginia or Kansas, whatever, has decided to pretend like he maybe wants to keep his job. He’s got a terrific new way to reach out to all those Kansas independents whose votes are suddenly in play, something middle of the road and mild and definitely not ...
  Founding Fodder

Colorado Students Ditch Class, Refuse To Love America

History, as it should have happened
Students at several Denver-area high schools walked out of classes Monday and Tuesday to protest a proposal by conservative school board members to make the district’s Advanced Placement U.S. History classes more patriotic and America-loving. The board, sharing widespread concerns that ...
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Super Excited About Syria, the ‘iPhone 6 Of Wars’ (Video)

We must protest: Daily Show is capable of much better segment titles
Jon Stewart is just as thrilled as anyone about the brand new war/not war against ISIS in Syria, leading with a clip of CNN’s Don Lemon and Alisyn Camerota breaking the news: “We’ve been waiting for this moment for weeks and here it is tonight!” burbled Camerota, leading ...
  Semper Tea

Traitor Barack Obama Murders America Again, With A Cup

America: the last days
America is finally dead. Completely dead. Oh sure, you thought maybe it was dead before when the Kenyan socialist Muslim Nazi indoctrinated innocent schoolchildren by urging them to study hard, or when the feckless tyrant wimp dictator made Marines hold umbrellas, but this time our once-great ...
  Walker's Irregulars

Wisconsin Militia Will Save Election From Criminal Democrats (And Not Just The Black Ones)

Republicans in Wisconsin, and those few Democrats who are not criminals, should be feeling extra safe about Election Day this November. That’s because some anti-labor irregulars left over from the Wisconsin Union Wars are vowing to protect democracy from the many tax dodgers and fugitives ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Starbucks To Be Even More Triple Grande Nasty-atto Now

Exactly
As if Starbucks hasn’t already turned “coffee” — that beverage you pour into a mug in the morning, maybe add milk, maybe add sugar — into a joke so bad it hurts our feelings, now there’s a new not-coffee “coffee” drink on the way, for those of you ...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Please Don’t Agree With Us Please

Tonight's Portland Drinky Thing, as seen by Doktor Zoom
We’ve got mail! Or at least we’ve got people who want to leave comments, but who are not going to be admitted to the Commentariat because we don’t especially want them tromping around our parlor, especially not with what they’ve tracked in on their boots. Today, our ...
  in the buttocks

Okla. Mom Shoots Fleeing Burglar In Buns; Wingnut Erections To Never Subside

Right in the buns!
This story about Oklahoma mom Cathy Kouba and the butt she shot is a great Rorschach test for how you feel about guns and the killing of people in the USA: “Kouba said she grabbed the gun her son gave her for Mother’s Day and ran out the front door to confront the intruder out back. “[I cocked ...
  he's got a friend in jesus

Kissing Congressman’s Wife Totally Cool With Him Boning That Lady

Wives! They are always like “no you may not put your Marriage Stick in the whore’s Penis Home and rub it up and down a lot,” and other unfair things! But Vance McAllister, the Christly congressman who was putting his dick on that lady until he got BUSTED on VIDEO, knows how to ...
  First World Problems Still Suck

Texas Won’t Let Lesbian Get Driver’s License, Because Jesus And Shut Up Is Why

Blue feathers? Do we know anyone with blue feathers?
A woman who recently moved to Texas from California can’t get a Texas driver’s license under her married name, because she’s married to another lady, and Texas just don’t think that’s respectable. Connie Wilson and her partner Aimee relocated to the Houston area ...
  i want to be the girl with the most beer

Seattle Wonkpals, Are You Ready For Your Lovepile?

Seattle, you have been waiting long and you have been waiting hard for a Wonkette Drinky Thing and Lovepile of your very own. You have been waiting long and hard because WE HATE YOU. But considering you are such dedicated Wonkers that you have thrown your own Fauxty Things, and considering also ...
  Say It Ain't So Joe! OK: It Ain't So

Joe Scarborough And His Intern Give Old Dead (And Maybe Rapey) Sen. Inouye A Pass

They just know some things
Yesterday, we had a sad because The New York Times reported that the late Sen. Daniel K. Inouye was the unnamed senator who grabbed Kirsten Gillibrand’s stomach and warned her not to lose any more weight, because “I like my girls chubby.” But today, we’re much less ...
  Wasilla Poll Dancers

Alaska Pretty Sure Sarah Palin Clan Is Hilarious Fighty Garbage

It's the Wasillabilly Bayeux Tapestry
One reason to love Public Policy Polling (PPP): They often throw in an extra question near the end of the poll, about something goofy, simply because they can. Like asking Ohio voters who was responsible for killing Osama bin Laden: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney? (Weep for America: 15 percent ...
  We'll Do It Live

Bill O’Reilly Recruiting Mercenaries To Win The War On Terror, Enlist Now!

Why is Kelsey Grammar even there?
Splotchy tomato-cheeked bully Bill O’Reilly used his television program Monday night to propose his swell idea to Win The War On Terror: recruit and train 25,000 mercenaries to attack and defeat the forces of the Islamic State, also known as ISIS. He already has a named picked out for his ...
  Hooray For Bombies

U.S. (And Coalition, Sure) Bombs ISIS In Syria, Yay!

Just to be clear: This is sarcasm. Really!
Excellent news, everybody! We’re at war again! Ha-ha, we are joking — we are always at war, but we are also never “really” at war! We are at Kinetic Counter-Terrorism Operation again, with shiny new airstrikes on ISIS and on the Khorasan Group in Syria. We are not, ...
  Why is Obama late?

Watch Obama Explain Warring On Syria, Or Maybe Just Say ‘F-ck It, I Quit’ Like That Alaska Lady

President Obama will be addressing the nation at 10 AM Eastern (or whenever he actually shows up, that guy’s never on time, is he? IMPEACH!) to explain our attacks in Syria. Or maybe to just pull an Alaska and go spend his time trying to legalize marijuana. 7:14 AM: Yep, we started ...
  clipbait

Jon Stewart To House Science Committee: ‘Are You F-cking Kidding Me?!?!?’ (Video)

The stupid is on fire in here
Jon Stewart took a moment to talk about the weekend’s climate change march in New York, and wondered why it’s even necessary to have a march about global warming — after all, isn’t the climate science settled? Ah, but then he remembered: there’s this thing called ...
  The glasses aren't helping

Rick Perry: If Only Abortion Were Impossible, Maybe Joan Rivers Wouldn’t Be Dead

Even with the glasses, he's still pretty dumb
INDICTED Gov. Rick Perry — who still hasn’t resigned, and yes, we are waiting — isn’t getting any smarter. At a recent gathering of masochists who like the hurts-so-good feeling of listening to words trip and stumble out of the Texas governor’s mouth like ...
  Here have some news n stuff

We’re Not Even Sure Where Mexico Is, But We Can Probably Still Invade It

By the dawn of the twentieth century, the river’s recurring spring floods had dug a completely new bed for it farther south. About seven hundred acres of land that had once formed part of Mexico—the Chamizal, named for a scrubby plant that grew there—were now connected to the United States. Whether the border had shifted with the river, rounding out the war’s annexationist work, nobody knew.
Yeah, yeah, we know the cantaloupe-shaped drug mule baby migrants hopped up on birth control are invading our country (or they’re already here!) to infect us with ebola or murder our pretty white co-eds, but before House Republicans and Rick Perry send Sean Hannity down to the border to ...
  Take this job and smoke it

Now THIS Is How You Quit Your Job (Video)

fuck it, she'll quit live
Alaska news anchor Charlo Greene made herself pretty famous overnight by quitting her job in the most epic way since … who knows? That JetBlue flight attendant who announced his resignation over the plane’s loudspeaker, grabbed a couple beers, and slid (literally slid) away, then ...
  Women Get So Emotional About Murder

Why Is Gabby Giffords So Shrill And Emotional About Guns?

Honestly, there has to be some logical explanation of why she's so touchy
We aren’t quite sure we’ve finished throwing up yet in reaction to this Politico piece about that mean bitch Gabby Giffords, who has made some very cruel, unfair ads about the issue of gun control for some reason: Gabby Giffords, irreproachable figure of sympathy, has fashioned an ...