This week, we met E.W. Jackson, a conservative firebrand and Tea Party favorite who was nominated for Virginia’s lieutenant governorcy by virtue of the fact that the GOP skipped having a primary election this year in favor of letting their hardcore dingbats do it up convention-styley. This is like if California Democrats decided to turn over their nominating process to a meeting of the Oakland Greens, but hey, whatever floats Virginia Republican penises.
In that fun getting-to-know-you, we learned that Bishop Jackson (if you’re nasty) thinks Planned Parenthood is worse for black people than the KKK ever was (which, duh), and that Barack Obama hates Jews because he is black and from Chicago, and as a black person, Bishop Jackson knows just how RACISMIST black people can be! But does Bishop Jackson have other thoughts on race, thoughts which might reveal a not-real-good understanding of stuff? Well, we did say he is a Republican, right? READ MORE »
John McCain is a bit of an odd duck. When he is not yelling at his wife that she is a fucking trollop cuntwhore, he is seething with not-quite-restrained anger at “that one” and pushing ladies into walls and almost punching other old ladies in wheelchairs. WHUT?
Yeah.
But now he is using his fearsome temper for good — he does that sometimes, like we said, weird guy — and calling out the Ted Cruzes and their jerkbaby fellow Tea Senators for refusing to do their fucking goddamn shithead asshole trollop cuntwhore fucking jobs. READ MORE »
Everyone in the online universe has already pointed out that Oklahoma Senator Jim Inhofe (R-Tornado Alley) voted against Hurricane Sandy aid last year but will probably collect sweet sweet government monies for the Oklahoma disaster. (AS WELL HE SHOULD DAMMIT BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THE GOVERNMENT IS THERE FOR EVEN IF YOUR SENATOR IS A DICK SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT.) We are also perfectly aware that Inhofe is demanding cuts elsewhere in the federal budget to offset any aid Oklahoma might get. These are bad things! We know! But right now we don’t care because what we’d REALLY like to talk about is just how deeply weird Inhofe is about global warming. Indeed, he’s weird enough to often out-freep the Freepers, which is kind of a feat. So, without further adieu, we bring you QUIZ TIME! Sharpen your Number 2 pencils! Sharpen your brains you lazy fuckers! It’s time for WHO SAID IT? Inhofe or Freepers? No fair googling first!! No looking at your neighbor’s paper! Ready? Let’s do the damn thing. READ MORE »
Recently, there has been lots of Nice Time! for our LGBT sisters and brothers. But hey, this kind of momentum can’t go on forever, and who better to put a stop to it than the House GOP Senate GOP Democratic Senators from red blue states. Wait, what? Are you fucking kidding?
Our latest group of yellow-bellied, weasel-faced, backstabbing pieces of rat poop occupy four seats on the Judiciary Committee, where Sen. Leahy decided against offering his amendment to protect same-sex couples in the immigration reform bill because he didn’t have the support from his OWN GODDAM PARTY. This is basically like slapping the LGBT community in the face with Michelle Malkin’s sweaty nutsack.
Who are these four spineless fucknuggets?
Senators Al Franken, Dianne Feinstein, Dick Durbin, and Chuck Schumer are the backbone-missing goat-blowers who decided to bow down to the altar of Republican bigotry and offer up the LGBT community as their sacrifices to expediency.
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An atheist state legislator opened Tuesday afternoon’s session of the Arizona House of Representatives with an invocation in which he asked his colleagues to not bow their heads, referred to his secular humanist beliefs, and quoted Carl Sagan. Miraculously, no one shouted “You lie!” or even walked out in response to the invocation by state Rep. Juan Mendez, a Tempe Democrat elected in 2012. For that matter, we have not yet been able to find any examples online of wingnuts citing Mendez’s invocation as proof that America is over, although we suspect this may change as the story hits the wire services. So for the moment, let’s just enjoy the awesomeness of what Mendez had to say … but yeah, we’re keeping an eye on Bryan Fischer’s Twitter, too. READ MORE »
Kentucky Democrats, you are awesomesauce. You are respresented by Mitch McConnell, who was the least popular senator in the country until Arizona Senator Jeff Flake stepped on his “friend” Gabby Gifford’s shattered skull to vote against background checks at gun shows, whoops. And yet, when faced with what could possibly be a winnable race, you a) get super ching-chong-chinaman-racist on Mitch McConnell’s Taiwan-born wife, b) do some bullshit eavesdropping that bites you in your fat Kentucky ass, and c) when the Big Hollywood Gaia-worshipper who’s always jawing on about the Patriarchy decides not to run you go courting … a former Miss America with no political experience except being married to a guy who was in politics until he was convicted like 50 times of 50 different things, including defrauding Medicaid like he was Rick Scott or something. Also, she killed someone. READ MORE »
Ah, wonderful. We have now reached the stage, after a natural — or maybe not-so-natural — disaster when certifiably insane people who for some reason have radio shows instead of padded cells explain that the G men in unmarked helicopters did that tornado to Oklahoma. Sure, it might have been nature — or maybe it was God punishing the homosexicans again, since he’s always all, like, “I am going to rain and wind on you, humans, because you won’t stop having buttsex!” — but Alex Jones, who has previously warned us that tip lines are JUST LIKE HITLER, so you know he’s not at all bugfuck crazy, knows what really happened maybe wink wink:
While he explained that “natural tornadoes” do exist and that he’s not sure if a government “weather weapon” was involved in the Oklahoma disaster, Jones warned nonetheless that the government “can create and steer groups of tornadoes.” READ MORE »
For someone who spends the day sitting at a computer with NPR playing in the background, Yr Doktor Zoom doesn’t actually use many NPR stories as the starting point for his Wonkets. Today, an exception: We heard this thing on the radio t’other day and knew we would have to write about it, because A) Watergate and B) Video game (video game stories have been good to us), not to mention C) “Timothy Leary shows up with drugs and you get in a fistfight with Nixon.” Wonkers of all ages, regardless of whether you even like video games, with their gratuitous violence and furries, you owe it to yourself to try “Watergate: The Videogame,” which can be played online free for nothing, requires no downloading, and if you get stuck some goofballs have even made a walkthrough already. (A “walkthrough” is a thing for videogames that helps you differentiate your ass from a hole in the ground, for example “Carl Bernstein” was Bob Woodward’s “walkthrough.”) READ MORE »
Spackle-brained dick weasel Sen. James Inhofe is bad at so many, many things. He does not understand legally defined standards of treatment for prisoners of war. He thinks he understands science better than actual scientists. He is even a shitty pilot. In fact, the only marketable skill James Inhofe possesses is his innate ability to be a spackle-brained dick weasel. Luckily for him that there exists a job for which this skill is a feature and not a bug: United States senator!
Yesterday a corner of Inhofe’s home state got flattened like an anthill stomped by a hyperactive five-year-old. Most humans who viewed the footage were moved to tears or anger or tears of anger. Inhofe’s colleague Tom Coburn, no slouch himself in the spackle-brained dick weasel department, was moved as well … right to the nearest television camera, where he stated that he would be happy to ask the federal government for financial help in cleaning up and rebuilding, just so long as Congress found some budget “offsets” elsewhere. So the folks in Oklahoma can have some help after this terrible tragedy so long as some other folks in Florida or Arkansas or New York agree to go without food or medical care for a while. This argle bargle was followed by a collective BANG! as if millions of heads struck millions of desks at the exact same moment. Then everyone started reminding Coburn and Inhofe about their votes against the Hurricane Sandy relief bill last year, which made them look like heartless skinsacks.
Today Inhofe went on the TV box himself, where a news anchor asked him if maybe he wasn’t being a tiny bit hypocritical in demanding federal aid for Oklahoma after denying it to New Jersey. That was when we learned that James Inhofe, in addition to having a hypocritical streak wider than Ari Fleischer’s forehead, also sucks at geography (or knowledge of any kind really): READ MORE »
Hello Glenn Kessler, Mr. Dr. The Fact Checker of Washington Post “fame,” into what pretzels of tortured hermeneutics and fussiness are you twisting yourself today, because you are pathologically obsessed with appearing nonpartisan? Will it be three out of four “Pinocchios” for White House Man Dan Pfeiffer, who correctly stated that Republicans “doctored” the emails they leaked about Hillary’s Benghina, and how the State Department wanted to “cover it up”? Of course it will, because Dan Pfeiffer said a thing that is Factually True in Reality, meaning it contains “Significant factual error and/or obvious contradictions,” and it shall be thrice Pinocchioed. This one is especially good though, because the Fact Check ITSELF relies on a provable falsehood! READ MORE »
Not gonna lie. We’re big fans of the whole digital revolution thingy, because it means you give us monies to read our blog. Also, too, porn on the internet is so much easier to get than having to steal our dad’s copy of Hustler from between the mattress and the boxspring. We are not in love with all of the digital enterprising though no we are not! Self- or quasi-self published ebooks can often be a blight upon humanity and dear god now they’ve given us a sexytime book about Michele Bachmann and we think we want to die.
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(See Update/Clarification at end) Gosh, we’re pretty sure no one saw this coming! As federal money has become a smaller portion of its overall funding, public broadcasting has become increasingly reliant on private donors. A lot of those donors are “viewers like you,” giving a few bucks to get a totebag and a sense of having done the right thing. (God knows we pledge so that if we get picked to play the Sunday Puzzle with Will Shortz, we can say we’re a member of Boise State Public Radio.) But another sizeable chunk of funding comes from people with very deep pockets, like, let’s say, David Koch, who has given about $23 million to public television over the years, and who also, from 2006 until last week, served on the board of New York’s PBS affiliate, WNET. Oh, but then back on November 12, 2012, WNET went and aired a PBS documentary by Alex Gibney called “Park Avenue: Money, Power and the American Dream,” [warning: autoplay video link] which looked at income inequality in U.S. Amercia by contrasting some of the richest people on that street, residents of a luxury apartment building at 740 Park Avenue, with the lives of some of the poorest people on Park Avenue, way out in the Bronx.
Clever narrative device!
Except for one teensy problem: One of the people living in 740 Park Avenue is David Koch, who refused to be interviewed for the film, and did not actually see it, but didn’t like what he heard about its depiction of him as both a heavy hitter in right wing politics and as a cheapskate who usually stiffed the doorman. READ MORE »
Corporations are people, my friend — only a very SPECIAL kind of people who are above vulgar affairs like, say, paying taxes, or being held accountable. This is why it’s not illegal for Incorporated Americans to evade avoid taxes, even if they are posting record profits, and also, because making corporations pay taxes is like class warfare, which, while not illegal, is un-American. This is why Apple, lord and master of the free market and captain of the laptop, did not do anything illegal by evading avoiding taxes using a complicated “web of lies tax shelters.”
From the New York Times:
Even as Apple became the nation’s most profitable technology company, it avoided billions in taxes in the United States and around the world through a web of subsidiaries so complex it spanned continents and went beyond anything most experts had ever seen, Congressional investigators disclosed on Monday.
[...]
Congressional investigators found that some of Apple’s subsidiaries had no employees and were largely run by top officials from the company’s headquarters in Cupertino, Calif. But by officially locating them in places like Ireland, Apple was able to, in effect, make them stateless — exempt from taxes, record-keeping laws and the need for the subsidiaries to even file tax returns anywhere in the world.
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Super-sane and not at all Kaa-eyed congresslady Michele Bachmann prays to a fearsome G_d. First, He did Benghazi. Next, he will send the archangel Michael, probably disguised as a bunny, to wrestle the repeal pen into Barack Odumbo’s hand, and then Odumbo will sign the repeal of his signature law, Odumbocare, because Michele Bachmann prayed for it, and we will all be freed from the “yoke” of being permitted to buy insurance even if we already had tit-rot. RightWingWatch has the tape: READ MORE »
So in our story yesterday on the Congressional debate over just how deeply Jesus wants food stamps to be cut, we missed a tiny detail that is probably worth mentioning. One of the special flowers seeking to slash the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, aka food stamps, was Tennessee Bible-humper Stephen Fincher, who argued against feeding the hungry by quoting Jesus’s message of love and indifference in Matthew chapter 26: “the poor will always be with us, and they will always be nasty tricksy takerses. They takes the precious and we hates them, we do.”
Only it turns out that we were unaware of one other delightful factoid about Rep. Fincher, brought to light by the blog Southern Beale: when he’s not busy saving taxpayers’ money by telling hungry children to fuck off and die, Rep. Fincher is a proud member of the agribusiness community, and according to the source of all knowledge, Fincher’s family agribiz
has received $8.9 million in farm subsidies over the past decade, mostly from the cotton program, according to U.S. Department of Agriculture data.
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