YOOOGE if true

Donald Trump: I Invented The Word ‘America.’ YOU’RE WELCOME!

Trump/Trump for president
Donald Trump is having a bad week. No sooner does he announce his intention to pretend to run for president than the dumb not-even-really-American-wink-wink Ted Cruz copycats him and does the same thing, what a jerk. But worse, Cruz has stolen Trump’s Very Unique applause line that Donald Trump thought up his own self, with his own YOOOGE brain: “The line of ‘Make America great again,’ the phrase, that was mine, I came up with it about a year ago, and I kept using ...
  Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

Georgia Patriot Plants Fake ‘Muslim’ Bomb To Warn World Of Muslim Threat

How will people fear radical Islam if we don't make up some fake bomb plots?
A Georgia wingnut has confessed to planting a backpack containing two partially completed pipe bombs in a public park last November, but he had an excellent reason: to raise awareness of the threat of radical Islam. Michael Sibley, 67, loves America so much that he was willing to fake a jihadist bomb attack, there not being any actual jihadis handy at the time. Sibley left the backpack along a hiking trail on U.S. Park Service land in Vickery Creek Park in Roswell, Georgia, where it was ...
  Frivolous lawsuits

Butthurt Michigan Woman Sues Planet Fitness For Being Nice To Transgenders

Behind door number three is this bitch named Yvette, who isn't allowed at this gym anymore.
Some weeks back, we had a Nice Time, about a Michigan lady, Yvette Cormier, who was bitching and moaning about the fact that her local Planet Fitness allows transgender people to use bathrooms and locker rooms that correspond to their gender identities. She huffed and puffed about a “man” being in the locker room (it was a trans woman), and Planet Fitness decided, to hell with it, and terminated her membership — Cormier’s, not the trans woman — citing the fact ...
  Mad About A Thing

Ted Cruz To Cover His Family With Obamacare, THEN Kill It With Fire, Because He’s A Dick

Good thing they all get to have health insurance
It must be nice to be Ted Cruz. Sure, you have to actually be Ted Cruz, which sounds awful, but on the other hand, you get to be Ted Cruz. You can devote your entire life — or, OK, the two years you’ve served in the U.S. Senate, if you wanna get technical about it — fighting against the Affordable Care Act and then, just when you happen to need it, BOOM! It’s right there for you anyway. You can swear to turn this whole country around and burn it to the ground and ...
  superior trolling

California Ballot Measure Will Put Anti-Gay Bigot In Timeout For Being ‘Intolerant Jackass’

Don't let his cuteness fool you...this is one bigoted jackass.
A few weeks ago we reported on mysterious California lawyer Matthew McLaughlin and his use of the state’s ridiculous ballot proposition system as a vehicle to assuage his fear of a gay planet. McLaughlin had filed a proposition in favor of the fanciful notion that California should shoot in the head anyone who engages in sodomy, aka the “abominable crime against nature known as buggery,” aka The Gay. To which the only appropriate response is, “In California? The land of fruits ...
  Thanks Obama again and again and again

Oh Hey Look At All The Billions Of Dollars Hospitals Are Saving With Obamacare

He laughs at their pain
It’s been a while since we reminded you that with Obamacare, everyone wins, right? Like that one lady who was all, “Oh no, I cannot afford my cancer treatment now because of how Obamacare makes it so much more expensive!” except that Obamacare was saving her money on her cancer treatment, and she did not even have to say THANKS OBAMA! And all those folks in Oklahoma who are saving sooooo many shiny nickels on their medicine now because, that’s right, Obamacare. And ...
  Remember The Alahomo

Gay-Hatin’ Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Ready To Be Martyred At The Straight-People Alamo

Yes, this really exists
Ten Commandments Hero Chief Justice Roy Moore came from Alabama with a Brawndo on his knee t’other day, visiting the Lone Star State Monday to address a very important “Defense of Texas Marriage Amendment Rally,” where he said that he is willing to lay down his very life to stop people with the wrong combinations of genitals from entering into marriage contracts. Also, he is worried about all the hyperbole and exaggeration in the world today. In what had to be the best laugh ...
  Load Up On Guns And Bring Your Friends -- Again

Ted Cruz Loves Good Old Country Music Because 9/11 And Also Pandering

‘John, let’s do a shot for the warden.’ And for the junior Senator from Texas.
Now this is some carefully targeted pandering! In an interview with CBS This Morning, Ted Cruz explained that the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, completely changed his taste in music, apparently because classic rock failed to meet his anger needs: Music is interesting. I grew up listening to classic rock. And I’ll tell you sort of an odd story: My music tastes changed on 9/11. I actually intellectually find this very curious, but on 9/11, I didn’t like how rock music ...
  Christians Sure Think About Rape & Torture A Lot

Jesus Helps Duck Dynasty Guy Refrain From Cutting Off Your Penis

Confused? Just ask the guy up there
Are you a godless heathen hell-bound non-believer who refuses to accept The Truth that there is indeed an invisible daddy in the sky making a list and checking it twice to see who’s been naughty and nice? Us too! But theologian and reality TV star Phil Robertson — the proud redneck patriarch of the family known for huntin’ ducks and hatin’ homos — has an argument for Jeebus that will absolutely persuade you. Ready to be persuaded? Shut up, you will be persuaded ...
  load up on guns and bring your friends

Hot Nevada Ass-Kicking Chick Will Help Bundys Murder Federal Government. Again.

Who's the greater victim: Cliven Bundy or George Zimmerman?
It’s Wingnut Reunion time! Welfare Rancher Cliven Bundy’s family and their biggest fan in the Nevada Assembly, Michele “Guns Solve Everything” Fiore, are teaming up in support of a stupid bill that Fiore has introduced, for FREEDOM. You see, since the Tyrants in Washington kept persecuting poor ol’ Cliven for grazing his cattle on land that the feds claim they own, Fiore and 14 other Republican Constitutional scholars in the Nevada Assembly will solve that ...
  Probably doesn't want to do flower arrangements for gay weddings

There Goes Michelle Obama, Murdering The White House Florist Again

Michelle Obama looks happy, but she is ANGRY ABOUT FLOWERS.
The Washington Post is a-buzzing, due to the fact that the White House Head Florist, Laura Dowling, has left, and nobody will say why: [T]he recent exit of head florist Laura Dowling, who’d been in the job since 2009, has been a much quieter affair. So hush hush, in fact, that most outside of 1600 Penn knew nothing about it. There’s still no official comment on why Dowling is no longer at the White House, but according to a source with close ties to current residence staffers, she was ...
  he sounds nice

The Gentleman From Arkansas Will Give Poor Women IUDs To Stop Birthing Trash

She just needed a breather to think about her life choices
You are not going to believe it, but there is a very conservative Republican state representative in Arkansas who wants to give taxpayer-funded birth control to ladies. Hooray and high-five, fellow feminazis, we have won the war at last! Let us now live in our misandrist matriarchal utopia happily ever after, the end. But not quite. There is one tiny catch: Rep. Kim Hammer, R-Benton, filed HB 1868, under which an unwed mother of one child who is receiving Medicaid benefits would receive ...

Alaska Republican Will Sue You If You Broadcast His Butt-Dials

haw haw haw
Here’s a fun legal question for all you lawyerly types out there: do two-party consent rules apply to audio recordings arising from butt-dials? Answer: we have no idea, but two Alaska Republicans sure hope they do! In 2008, Dan Coffey (R-Recently Changed His Party Enrollment) and Bill Starr (R-Better Dead Than Red) were caught on tape “joking” about giving campaign contributions to Alaska Assembly members “if they voted the right way.” Fast forward to 2015, ...
  Rick Management

Florida State Senators Taunt Emergency Chief: You Ain’t Allowed To Say ‘Climate Change’!

love the audience reaction here
Florida’s Senate had entirely too much fun taunting Gov. Rick Scott’s head of emergency management last week, trying to get Bryan Koon to say the words “climate change,” which, as we all know, is a Banned Word of Power in Florida’s executive branch these days. And who can blame them? Who wouldn’t love the chance to make the guy squirm, knowing that he has orders — even though of course Scott says there’s no ban on the words. Really? Then why ...
  they seem nice

Let’s Watch The Super-Racist Video That Cost Four Florida Cops Their Jobs

Yes, this is a screencap from the actual video in question.
Did you watch the video? Did you notice all the police dogs attacking black men, the casual use of the n-word, the Klan hood at the 0:28 mark? Pretty racist, right? But the whole thing was all a joke, the four officers say. Just some guys havin’ some fun and indulging in some light racism while on the taxpayer-funded job. Hey, Broward Palm Beach New Times, have a sense of humor, would ya? PC Police out here trying to make it illegal to laugh. Three Fort Lauderdale Police officers have ...
  Won't Someone PLEASE Think of George Zimmerman?

George Zimmerman: God Made Me Do It

Screengrabs are fair use, right? Yeah, pretty sure they are. We can always add a pony so it's parody.
Now that the Justice Department has declared George Zimmerman a swell human being who merely shot and killed Trayvon Martin but didn’t violate his civil rights, Mr. Zimmerman sat down for a spontaneous, not-at-all scripted-sounding interview with his divorce lawyer, Howard Iken, who apparently doesn’t just do divorces, but is also branching out into journalism. Watch out, Terry Gross, Howard Iken is gunning for your time slot! We’d embed the video, but that is Not Allowed; ...
  Let's Get Some 'God With Us' Belt Buckles Too

Texas Rep. Finds Life’s Great Purpose: Forcing Air Force Cadets To Swear Oath To God

How airplanes actually fly
You know, kids, Ted Cruz isn’t the only Christian in Congress. He’s the only one running for president (in a field of one declared candidate), but there are also decent God-fearing Christians like Rep. Sam Johnson of Texas, who has introduced a bill that will make sure “so help me God” is a mandatory part of the official oath at the Air Force Academy. This is especially important since jet aircraft fly so much closer to God than our ground forces are, and we ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Girl Scouts Show Obama Science Projects He Did Not Build

Hide the kids, President Obama is trying to make them care about science again, what a jerk. And worse, he wants to spend YOUR MONEY to do it: As part of the Fair, President Obama will announce over $240 million in new private sector commitments to get more girls and boys, especially those that are under-represented, inspired, and prepared to excel in the STEM fields. With the commitments being made today, the President’s “Educate to Innovate” campaign has resulted in over $1 billion in ...
  Bend over so Phyllis Schlafly can give you your 85 birthday spankings

Happy Birthday Pat Robertson, You Are Not Dead!

Pat Robertson had a birthday on Sunday, and there was a party! It was a very nice party, and just like all balls-out birthday benders do, it had a keynote speaker named Dr. Ben Carson. (Yes, THAT Dr. Ben Carson.) The doctor said many nice words about America’s Jesus Grandpa, like how he is so positive about everything, as opposed to the negative people (GAYS). Also making an appearance in this here commemorative video is the booby-draper himself, former Secretary of State John ...
  we don't need your civil war

Congressman From Dukes Of Hazzard: Confederate Flags Are The New MLK

Let's see what them Dukes is up to next!
Yee-haw! What is that Crazy Cooter (of that old redneck TV show “The Dukes of Hazzard” fame), otherwise known as actor and former Democratic congressman from Georgia Ben Jones, up to now? Oh nothing, just going on CNN to argue in favor of allowing descendants of Confederate soldiers to drive around with the Stars and Bars on their license plates in yet the latest instance of the “Everybody gets a trophy” mentality that has infected America in recent years. Cool, nothing we like more than ...
  Vet The Cruz

Time To Inspect Ted Cruz’s Canadian ‘Birth Certificate,’ Obviously

But who is he REALLY?
Now that Ted Cruz has declared himself our next president, the 2016 election is pretty much wrapped up, right? He just has to get those laughably low approval numbers from his own party up to something above negativeteen, beat [insert name of a Democrat, any Democrat], and then Snowflake, the family puppy, “will finally get a back yard to pee in.” (Texas, it turns out, is a small state that doesn’t have a lot of space for back yards.) Oh, and there’s just one more ...
  This Is The Worst Cruz I've Ever Been On

All Your Excited Reactions To Ted Cruz’s Big Presidential Jesus Announcement

These Rand Paul supporters were excited to be in the front row
Ted Cruz is ready to take America down the Jesus Road to national salvation, and some people are more excited about that than others. On the one hand, you have your Tea Party Nation, which declares Cruz “the only electable Republican” because he’s very smart and is “not handcuffed with the consultant class” that has kept Real Conservatives from winning the GOP nomination, and hence the presidency. And then there are fans of other candidates, like the Liberty ...