Noted animal-hater and all-around waste-of-space Teabagging Congresstwit Steve King (R-4th Level of Hell) has once again opened his maggot-filled cockholster. He wants you to know that the only reason that Supreme Leader and Great Sun of Socialism Barack H. Obummer got elected was because of all the damn messicans. And whose fault is it that you can’t round a corner in Rep. King’s district (which is 96% non-Hispanic white) without running into a Taco Bell or someone screaming out “Dios Mio!” during climax instead of “My God” like good red-blooded Mericans do? Why none other than our first Mexican president, St. Ronaldo Reaganendez:
In an effort to dissuade Republicans, King argued that the 1986 immigration bill that Reagan signed into law is estimated to have brought amnesty to three million illegal immigrants.
He said conservative estimates show that, on average, each of these people brought in five others, leading to 15 million more people in the country, most of whom voted for Obama.
As he spoke against the Great and Powerful Reaganendez, a hush fell over his GOP colleagues on the House floor. Slowly, pitchforks were handed out among the GOP leadership, and Eric Cantor pulled out his authentic Katniss Evergreen Hunger Games BowTM and prepared to take him out.
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All of us here at Yr Wonkette have a singleminded devotion to pursuing the news, finding the truth of the day’s events, sifting the truth from the lies, and then making a bunch of peener jokes about all that. And what better source of news, incidental revenue, and right-wing peeners than Newsmax, with its rich heritage of support from truth-seekers like William Casey, Richard Mellon Scaife, Alexander Haig, and Michael Reagan? But mostly it gets its filthy lucre from Dick Morris? Wait, why DO we have an RSS feed from them again? Oh, yes, the money. The sweet, sweet revenue from people who hate our filthy liberal guts and whose journamalism is always above reproach, even when it’s dead wrong.
And you know who else thinks Newsmax is pretty awesome? It was in the headline, did you get it? READ MORE »
Were you, like us, not really watching the Prezzy’s speech about drones or Gitmo or whatever because BoRING, but it was on in the background because, fuck we don’t even know why? We guess it is sort of glancingly our “job” but screw that.
Well, perhaps Angry Hulk Obama made some news in there (who even knows, Twitter said it was like a declassification jamboree?), but since there was no buttsechs or hot pix of his busty white prom date, WHO CARES?
Well, Medea Benjamin, of Code Pink, still cares, and she ninja’d her way into the speech and she heckled and heckled and heckled and heckled and heckled and heckled and … and then after about five minutes of yelling, she … got to yell some more! READ MORE »
We all have family members who are fuck-ups, right? Uncle Larry who gives a creepy smile to the 14-year-old cousins at the family reunion, or Aunt Peg who has four DUIs. Back in Biblical times, the sins of family were sometimes used to punish innocent people. But that was long ago when people still believed that talking snakes handed out fruit at Eden’s Downtown Organic Farmer’s Market. We have evolved beyond such silly notions as “visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation,” because we all know that the only part of the Old Testament that matters is the part about teh gays’ unnatural sexytimes and how they should be stoned to death because ewwww.
Well, the world’s worst Constitutional lawyer and elected member of Congress (HOWWW?!?!?!) Rep. Todd Cotton (R-Stoopid) is trying bring back the good ol’ days and find ways to punish family members for no other reason that being related to someone who breaks the law.
Rep. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.) on Wednesday introduced legislation that would “automatically” punish family members of people who violate U.S. sanctions against Iran, levying sentences of up to 20 years in prison.
Yes, you read that correctly – 20 years in the slammer because you are related to someone who violated sanctions against Iran. (So sorry, Liz Cheney!) Isn’t there some sort of really old document written about 200 years ago and worshiped by Teabaggers that might, maybe, kinda have something to say about that? Yes, in fact, there are about a GAZILLION FUCKING REASONS why this is awful and unconstitutional, so let’s wonksplain why.
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In a concrete demonstration of what happens when insufferable jerkbag meets irredeemable boor, Dana Loesch and Piers Morgan had themselves a big ol’ Twitter fight Wednesday, the occasion being Loesch’s tweet in response to the decapitation of a British soldier by a pair of terrorists. Dana made a funny joke about why gun control is useless, because really, everything is gun control with these guys (when it’s not abortion or Benghazi, of course): “Was the guy with the machete a member of the NRA? Asking for a friend.” We totally get her point, because in U.S. Amercia, the radical Muslim terrorist would have been able to use an AR-15 and really do some damage, instead of just having to attack with a machete and a meat cleaver. That was your point, right Dana? In any case, it’s good to know that in the face of an ‘orrible murder, these asshats managed to make it All About Them. READ MORE »
True fact: Wonket has tired of being a mommyblog and a NewPopeLoveBlog and all of these things you people accuse us of when we don’t just make fun of Rick Santorum 24/7. So you probably won’t like it a bit when we announce that we are now your source for all things law news — a law blog! — a BLAWG. Deal with it. Today we’re gonna lawsplain to you all OVER the damn place about the Fifth Amendment and Congress and Darrell Issa and the IRS and STOP CLICKING OVER TO OTHER PAGES DAMMIT:
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Time has some EXCLUSIVE prom photos of a young and suavay B. Barry Bamz, so we will let you go on over there for your fapping, because EXCLUSIVE should mean something, dammit!
But we will pick up this photo, because PLAYER BARRY totally hitting on his best friend’s girlfriend, WHUT? He is all you are so foxy let us totally bone while Greg is away, I will take you for a meal of the most erotic delights, basically. Let us read it, together, and imagine Young Beezy taking us away from our own dumb idiot boyfriends, who are dumb idiots!
Kelli,
It has been so nice getting to know you this year. You are extremely sweet and foxy1, I don’t know why Greg would want to spend any time with me at all2! You really deserve better than clowns like us; you even laugh at my jokes3!
I hope we can keep in touch with each other this summer, even though Greg will be gone. Call me and I’ll buy you lunch sometimes4.
Anyway, good luck in everything you do, and stay happy.
Your friend,
Love [heart]
Barry Obama
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You probably heard that terrorists murdered a British soldier in London Wednesday, and of course it goes without saying that attacking people with machetes and meat cleavers to make a political statement is pretty much the definition of Very Wrong. Unless of course you’re the English Defence League, the gang of super-literate racist goons who responded to the murder by going out and trying to burn down some mosques, throwing bottles at police, and posting the image above on Facebook, saying that it was outrageous that such a monstrosity could be allowed to pollute English soil:
Idiot 1: Would look lovely in Saudi…
Idiot 2: Where is this to? [sic]
Idiot 1: This is one of the main roads down to the front in Brighton
Idiot 2: So that mosque is in Britain jesus christ the size on it!
Idiot 1: And that’s not even half of it
In a tweet, Conservative Party blogger Mark Wallace, calls the conversation
“A quick reminder of the #EDL’s appreciation of our national heritage: they thought Brighton Pavilion was a mosque”
The Royal Pavillion in Brighton was completed in 1811 as a seaside vacation home for notorious radical Muslim mullah King George IV. Ship it to Saudi Arabia where it belongs! READ MORE »
We here at Wonkette mostly luuuuurve our new pope, New Pope. He is a communist (communism!)! He saved and returned all his newspaper rubber bands every month (loves the environment!)! He went to the slums and did Mass for hookers (like Bizarro American Jesus!)! He did his own cooking and lived in a little apartment and took the bus instead of living in the bishop’s mansion (not greedy!)! He was against priests diddling little children (totally weird!)! He washed girl feet, and Muslim feet, and told the priests to get over themselves already (totally blasphemous!)! He was almost the pope last time around, which meant he was the choice of the liberal cardinals as opposed to Pope Nazi, FOR WHOM WE DID NOT PARTICULARLY CARE.
Some of you have your cavils with New Pope, including his reported participation in Argentina’s Dirty War. But others, including the Nobel winner who exposed it, said he was working behind the scenes to pressure the junta. (Perhaps he was not saintly enough to be martyred, but he was not an accomplice.) Do you care? No, you would like to believe the worst, because sometimes you are TERRIBLE. (Also, the billion-member Catholic Church isn’t going away anytime soon, so maybe stop being Naderites letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. Lecture over? MAYBE.)
Anyway, the Vatican’s US legal advisor, Edward Peters, whom we do not luuuuurve quite so much as New Pope, said a true thing, and that true thing was this: He said that the dude who shot himself on Notre Dame’s altar, to protest France legalizing gay marriage, made anti-gay-marriage folk look like “kooks.”
That is about right, Edward Peters! READ MORE »
It isn’t easy to be a concerned parent these days, with so many threats and dangers to children’s purity lurking around every corner. There’s Michelle Obama trying to teach kids to be healthy and not eat deep fried, bacon-wrapped potato chips with every meal. There are “doctors” and “dentists” trying to put “fluoride” in the “water” so kids don’t get “cavities.” (Thank the maker that menace has been defeated … for now.) And, worst of all, there are teachers trying to gaydoctrinate children by making them worship Harvey Milk:
Some parents in California say they will be keeping their kids home from school Wednesday because teachers plan to commemorate Harvey Milk Day.
Harvey Milk was the first openly gay person elected to public office in California.
Milk was elected to the San Francisco County Board of Supervisors in 1978. He is seen as a man who paved the way for future gay political leaders. Wednesday, students around the state will hear about his accomplishments.
But a group called SaveCalifornia.com is running radio ads in California cities calling on parents to boycott Harvey Milk Day by keeping their children home from school.
One radio ad says, “They’ll be taught an agenda that attacks our family values.”
Damn liberals, always trying to make kids healthy and gay! Thankfully, SaveCalifornia.com is teaching parents how to protect their children from all that nonsense:
Parents, realize there was NO advance parental notification of this happening or the opportunity to opt out your children. Even more, realize there was no parent permission sought, no opt-in form to sign. No, Harvey Milk sexual indoctrination, and other sexual indoctrination implemented, because of other perverse laws are being done behind parents’ backs and despite parents’ objections.
Realize that these “Gay-Straight Alliances” (GSAs are homosexual-bisexual-transsexual agenda clubs) are at many California public high schools (see the list). In May, they actively promoted the perverse Harvey Milk in public schools.
In addition to government schools nationwide having to permit GSA clubs (as long as any other non-curricular clubs are allowed), every California K-12 government school is under a state mandate to sexually indoctrinate children. See the list of these immoral California laws.
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Yesterday, we had a bit of a warm feeling where we’re told our heart should be when a Godless Arizona Democrat used his turn to give the legislature’s invocation to invite his fellow lawmakers to look around and see their common humanity, their fellowship, that whether they agreed on certain issues or not, they were all here at this moment in time to help better society for Arizona and mankind.
HAW HAW HAW DUMMY.
Well, by the end of the day, a Republican senator had “redone” the invocation cause it wasn’t to Jebus and didn’t count. Not only that, but when Rep. Steve Smith invited his fellows to redo the prayer with him, it was in “repentance” for having mocked God by not praying in the way commanded by Rep. Steve Smith.
Hooboy. Sorry Dok. READ MORE »
Move over Galt’s Gulch! Get out of here, Somalia! Josephine County, Oregon, is here to show you how real rugged individualists do: by refusing to vote to raise property taxes, even though the county ain’t got no more police outside of regular business hours, and the sheriff says “every day” someone is the victim of a crime he cain’t stop (because criminals seem to have figured out this whole “business hours” thing), and by the way, if you’re planning on being the victim of a crime, he suggests (very nicely, really!) that you move.
Wait, you mean taxes might serve a purpose, like keeping this young lady from getting raped by the same ex-boyfriend who’d recently put her in the hospital, while she waited for the police that couldn’t come, because it was the weekend? Well perhaps she should have taken a little personal responsibility, and not been born a girl, did she ever think of that? READ MORE »
You may have missed it, but yesterday former MLB All Star and current Low Life Softball Salesman Jose Canseco tweeted the phone number of a woman he said was accusing him of rape in Nevada. He then deleted the tweet, and then tweeted that he did not ever delete tweets ever, and that is the last syllable you will have to read about tweets.
The real story now, you see, is about how we happened to have what we believed to be Jose’s cell number, and just happened to let it accidentally slip into the end of our blog post. Wonkette operative “Sean” took this as a cue to text him and — hey, look at that! — he responded, in a way that is just dumb enough to confirm the number was totally his. READ MORE »
You would think the legislators of Oklahoma would have their hands full with that whole our-state-got-totaled-by-a-tornado (or maybe it was the government’s secret “weather weapons”) situation. But no, turns out they are staying focused on the single biggest threat EVAH: health care for ladyparts.
In the wake of one of the most destructive tornadoes in history, Oklahoma state senators passed a bill on Wednesday that would effectively defund Planned Parenthood.
Senate Bill 900, which re-allocates family planning funds to public providers and hospitals instead of private providers like Planned Parenthood, passed by a vote of 33 to 8. The state Senate was able to pass the bill somewhat under the radar because it was not posted on Wednesday’s legislative agenda.
Isn’t that nice? While Oklahomans are sorting through the rubble that used to be their homes, and the rest of America is crying about dead children and sharing videos of that one lady who found her missing dog, and the state’s U.S. senators are competing against each other for Biggest Dickhole, those sneaky rascals in the state Senate figured they’d slip a quick little “Fuck you, womens” bill through, all quiet-like. Because lord knows that what Oklahomans who’ve lost their houses and maybe even their children really need right now is to also lose their affordable health care too. Priorities!
But here is a nice silver lining sort of thing. READ MORE »
We were pretty excited when Miss Kaili Joy came into the sekrit Wonket chatcave with this totally popular Salon tweet that had been liked by one egg.
Kaili Joy G: should we place bets on what he’s talking about? I haven’t clicked yet
Gary L: the immigration reform bill
Rebecca S: I know! I know!
HE IS SAYING THE MILITARY HAS A RAPE PROBLEM!
The rest of the chatcave did not find this to be a likely answer.
Rich A: I think we are misconstruing the metaphor. My theory is that he’s talking about something God endorses that the American people were totally asking for by wearing a metaphorical push-up bra
Gary L: I’ve told America a million times what will happen if it goes out at night wearing a short skirt and slathering on the makeup like a common trollop
But the real question is: Did Jose Canseco tweet America’s cell phone number?
OK, quick, make your guesses, and we’ll click through, with Egg, after the jump! READ MORE »
