Earlier today we talked at you about how the military just can’t stop getting all rapey with women, so that even when they hire a military person to be the top prosecutor of people that rapecrime women, even that dude turns out to be Gropey McAssaulter. (Hahahaha, “news.”) So perhaps it is maybe time to take away the whole dealing-with-rape thing from the military and give it to civilians since apparently there is no one in the military who is tasked to deal with sexual assault and who does not also love him some sexual assaulting. Funny you should say so, because Senator Kirsten Gillibrand proposed just that and of course it did not pass because right now the Senate is the worst, even the Democrats.
March 8, 2014
Donald Trump, always good for a laugh, arrived at CPAC today ready to be as impressive as ever. Consider this on-the-spot report from Huffpo’s Sam Stein:
Trump just rolled in w/ about 12 security guards. “Any thoughts on Ukraine?” I asked. “I am,” he said. “What?” I asked. He walked on
The man is like a haiku. Maybe he was just taking John McCain literally about that “We are all Ukraine” stuff. I am Ukraine: and so can you.
If you mosey on over to Happy Nice Time People today (WHICH YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DO), you can learn all about how teevee’s “Nashville” is getting better song-wise, the movie The Wind Rises is gorgeous, and what baseball writer you should be reading. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. We’ll also chat at you about how everybody on earth is trolling the people who tried to trademark the word “candy,” how Ghost Audrey Hepburn is kind of a jerk, and of course, sideboob.
Exclusive Drudge Sirens Must Credit Wonkette: So here is Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions mansplaining the President’s budget to the President’s Budget Director, OMB chief Sylvia Matthews Burwell. He is very very unhappy that the budget request includes an additional $56 billion over the compromise agreement passed back in December. Despite Sessions’s indignant tone, it’s not exactly a hidden spending request, considering that it’s discussed right there in the second paragraph of the Budget Overview webpage.
But Sessions has to act like he has the Gotcha of the year, if only Burwell will admit that the Obama administration is trying to tax everyone to death, but darned if she’ll play his game. So in frustration, at about the 2:20 mark in the video above, Sessions smirks,
“You look real innocent the way you look at me here, like you don’t know what I am talking about. Can’t you just simply answer the question, yes or no? Do you intend to spend more than Ryan-Murray, and will that not require an amending of the law to allow you to do so?”
We have a hard time believing that Sessions would use such condescending language to Treasury Secretary Jack Lew or to former OMB Director Peter Orszag, but how dare a lady just waltz in and talk to a U.S. Senator as if she had any right to insist on nuance. Don’t play innocent, miss, just answer yes or no.
And it’s not just Yr Wonkette that thinks the “You look real innocent” line was over the top — Sessions’s own office, eager to portray Burwell as evasive, put the exchange up on their YouTube channel, but completely edited out the “You look real innocent” remark. When did Jeff Sessions hire James O’Keefe? READ MORE »
Readers may remember that I, Snipy, tried to quit Wonkette last year to go work for hot new conservative music site Big Dawg Music Mafia – “Where Conservative Is Cool.” Alas, the Editrix wooed me into staying here, thus depriving me of the chance to help set up the Big Dawg showcase at CPAC. What a thrill it would have been to work with folksinger extraordinaire Chip Murray and to watch him take the stage with his rousing folk songs about how we’re gonna take back ‘Merica, and probably also “Drugs Stink.”
Just minutes ago, we learned about wise children leading us to an understanding that … liberals do not love their children, and love comes in brown paper bags we guess? Like 40s of Colt? Paul Ryan used the story of a sad boy who didn’t want government cheese sandwich lunch, but instead wanted a paper bag lunch, like the kind prepared by people who don’t hate their children and want them to die.
Ryan was careful to cite the source of his story as some (undoubtedly racist) woman who works for Scott Walker. (Scott Walker’s office just can’t stop racisming!) And it had a homily about please don’t eat the government cheese. But would you believe that story was STOLEN? It is true. And the moral of the story was about how free lunches are awesome? Let’s sexplore! READ MORE »
Paul Ryan, remember him? He’s the jackass Mitt Romney picked to shore up the conservatives who think Mitt Romney is a goddamn commie liberal. He likes to exercise, and whine and show alpha dog Joe Biden his belly. Well, recently, he’s been on an “I’m a big bleedingheart Catholic so my thing now is poverty” thing, and he proved it at CPAC today by sadsplaining that poor families (and also liberals) do not love their kids.
So first Paul Ryan made a Take Obamacare … Please! joke, good one Paul Ryan, and then he started concernsplaining about free lunches, and how they make the Babby Jesus — the one who multiplied the loaves and fishes and then sold them to the highest bidder in a perfect market — cry. READ MORE »
So we want to applaud folks like Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) who are fighting the good fight to stop all the sexual assaulting in our military. What’s the big deal, though? Can chicks just not handle a little afternoon raping? Don’t they know that boys will be boys, and that boobs wouldn’t be groped if God had not made boobs so perky and grope-able? Totally the Big Guy’s fault.
Well, at least the military is having more training about sexual assault, and it’s not like the Army top sexual assault prosecutor would go to a training on sexual assault and grope a lady, because that would be ALL THE FUCKED UP, KATIE. Per Stars and Stripes:
The top Army prosecutor for sexual assault cases has been suspended after a lawyer who worked for him recently reported he’d groped her and tried to kiss her at a sexual-assault legal conference more than two years ago.
For serious, Army? Of all the people you have to choose from to deal with this issue, how come you can’t find someone who will at least wait until the sexual assault legal conference is over before sexually assaulting a woman? Allegedly. READ MORE »
Look, we are also VERY SAD when a prominent Dem does — or is accused of doing — something wrong, but we have to write about it, you know, we really do. And damn, we would really love it if the domestic violence accusation against Alan Grayson turned out to be nothing but overheated vapor in an ugly divorce. Lord knows there’s never a shortage of false or exaggerated claims in custody disputes — then again, there’s never a shortage of actual abuse, either.
So very many of you tipped and emailed and tweetered us this new development: a cell phone video of part of Saturday’s confrontation between Alan Grayson and his wife Lolita, taken by Grayson aide Juan Lopez, who Grayson says came along in case there was trouble. Alan Grayson’s lawyer Mark NeJame says the video shows Lolita Grayson delivering a “right uppercut” to the congressman’s head; we’d call it a slap or maybe a push, but OK. After the jump, we shall look more closely at the video and get all Kevin-Costner Zapruder Film-y on it. Note how Mr. Grayson steps back, and to the…um, to the right. READ MORE »
You know how on “Law and Order SVU” they always take a rape kit at the hospital immediately following the assault and then like magic it gets run through a giant database and spits out the DNA of the rapist? Yeah, that does not happen, people. In real life, that rape kit gets taken and stuffed in a lab somewhere, joining a giant slew of untested kits. Joe Biden aims to change that because Joe Biden is the best.
Vice President Joe Biden proposed $35 million in grant funding on Wednesday afternoon to help clear the hundreds of thousands of backlogged rape kits off the shelves of police stations and labs.
Biden, who has made countering domestic abuse and sexual assault a cornerstone of his political career, told reporters that testing the backlogged kits helps police track down serial rapists, which provides “the ultimate closure for a woman.”
Sure, Bill O’Reilly has gotten some flack for asking whether a lady like Hillary Clinton has the cojones to be president. It’s bad enough that we have a president who wears mom jeans; why would we want an actual mom? Happily, Stephen Colbert has Papa Bear’s big hairy back — though not with a loofah. O’Reilly recently posited that there just has to be a “downside to having a woman president, something…something that may not fit with that office.”
You might think the discussion would have just ended with Fox’s Kirsten Powers simply saying, “Hmm, I’m gonna say no, Bill,” but there you go, thinking when Bill O’Reilly is in the room. Thankfully, Stephen has the real nitty gritty kitty ditty on this lady president thing, and why the world is just not ready for a lady leader, just like it wasn’t ready for Golda Meier or Margaret Thatcher.
There are few more depressing experiences than hearing a friend rationalize the violent behavior of an abusive boyfriend. (Yes, we know girlfriends can be physically abusive too, sometimes, like 10 percent of the time, but we are not talking about that now so shut up and let us tell our story. Geez!) “I just make him so angry sometimes…he’s under a lot of stress right now…I hit him first…”
So we were Sad when we read World Net Daily’s Exclusive Scoop about how nobody understands their man crush Vladimir Putin, and nuh uh, he hasn’t done ANYTHING wrong, GOD, you people, JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!
Using the mutant superpower of reading Russia Today, journamalist F. Michael Maloof performed a masterful gotcha! on the world’s lamestream media, its diplomatic corps, its international treaty organizations and all sentient beings in the universe not named Vladimir Putin nor directly employed by him. Maloof (the F stands for FFS) notes that aha! Russia already had troops stationed in Crimea under its post-Soviet treaty with Ukraine, so there is no invasion, nothing to see here at all, move along. READ MORE »
Here’s a Nice Time change from our usual school lunch story — instead of a tale of heartless dickery leading to poor kids’ food being thrown away, this time around we have a tale where the good guys win and hungry kids get fed! Could this become a trend? Yes, we do need to pause for just a minute to note that it should not even be news that hungry kids will now be fed. In any case, paper hats and hairnets off to the Maine Legislature for voting to override Gov. Paul LePage’s veto of a bill expanding a summer school lunch program. See, state legislatures? That’s what you do when your governor is a jerk who says that children should not eat food. Why can’t more of you be like the good boys and girls in Maine? READ MORE »
Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany told Mr. Obama by telephone on Sunday that after speaking with Mr. Putin she was not sure he was in touch with reality, people briefed on the call said. “In another world,” she said.
-The New York Times, March 3
Greetings, decadent Western scum! It is I, Vladimir Putin, returned once again to grace the pages of your Wonkette. It has been many months since last we spoke with each other, for which I wish to apologize. We have been very busy here in Mother Russia, with the making of the Olympics and the rapacious extraction of every last natural resource from our land and the repression of dissidents and the invading of other countries. But you have been busy also, making with the jokes of Ted Cruz and John Boehner and how they are dicks, so that is very nice too. I, Vladimir Putin, wish to commend you on your funny making! Many times your Wonkette, it is funny and I laugh. Ha. Ha. READ MORE »