no violin tiny enough

Wall Street Billionaires Not Making As Many Billions This Year, Sad

But watch out for the gout
Tragic news, if you’re the kind of schmuck who thinks Wall Street’s hedge fund managers deserve at least a thousand and ten jizzillion dollars for doing whatever the hell it is they do when they’re not just straight up breaking the American economy: Harsh memories of the global financial crisis pervaded Wall Street in 2014 — at least, for the highest-earning hedge fund managers. […] How bad was it? The 25 hedge fund managers on our 14th annual Rich List made a ...
  Try Not To Be Too Shocked OK?

Surprise, Military Even More Rapey Than We Thought

Imagine that.
As we’ve mentioned once or twenty times, the Pentagon has a bit of a problem with rape. Just how bad a problem with rape? Hard to say — a 2013 Defense Department report estimated that about 26,000 members of the military were raped in 2012. Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand has been trying to find out more about how the Pentagon deals with sexual assaults, so last year she asked the DoD for files on sexual assault at each of the four major services’ largest bases from 2009 to 2013. ...
  Bill O'Reilly is doing field reporting now?

Fox News: BREAKING! Black Man Shot By Police! Oh Wait, Never Mind

Doy doy doy doy doy
Journalism-ing is tough! You try to get it right, but sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you fuck up. Like you misspell the name of Iran’s Ayatollah Khamenei (we did that the other day, doy!), or you report that you witnessed a black man getting shot by police in Baltimore, when what you actually witnessed was a black man NOT getting shot by the police! Fox News made this age-old mistake Monday, of seeing a man running and immediately breaking into a national newscast to report ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Fired Baltimore City Employee Just Liked To Watch Porn All Day At Work, Is That Wrong?

Do it on your own time
Who among us doesn’t occasionally spend a bit of our “work” day on non-work things? Baltimore City officials estimate the 39 hours an employee spent watching pornography on the job during a two-week period equated to about $1,166 in salary. They fired him in January after monitoring and documenting the employee’s porn viewing. […] Inspector General Rob Pearre Jr. said the case, which came to light after an anonymous complaint to the Office of Information ...
  Sportsball nice time

Dudes Kiss On The Mouth On LA Dodgers Kiss Cam, And Nobody Even Gay-Bashes Them!

Come at me, bro.
Awww, progress! If you have ever gone to see one of the various types of sportsball matches, you have undoubtedly seen a “kiss-cam.” It’s that thing where the camera is all of a sudden on you and your neighbor, and you are supposed to kiss that person, whether or not that is actually your lover sexxxy-time pal. If you don’t do it, you are lame and no fun, or maybe the person next to you is a stranger with mouth sores. But usually they try to get obvious couples on ...
  Also Far Better Than A Pie In The Face

Hero Waitress Tells Kansas Gov. Brownback Exactly Where To Shove His Tip (Into Schools, Duh)

Chloe, have you considered joining the Satanic Temple? They could use your skills
Here’s today’s dose of Nice Time Sticking It To The Man: A Kansas waitress used her last day at work to send a little message to Gov. Sam Brownback, telling him that instead of giving her a tip, it would be much nicer if he could actually fund the state’s schools instead. As exits go, this one definitely tops that flight attendant who said screw y’all and jumped out the emergency slide; it’s right up there with the news anchor who resigned on air by declaring ...
  so long farewell auf wiedersehen goodbye

God Hates Duck Dynasty Musical, Smites It Like Sodomite

Yeah their God hath foresaken them all right
No one could have predicted that a Vegas musical about the loathsome Robertson family — those jerkwads who hunt ducks and hate homos and believe the only reason people don’t go around cutting off dicks is because the Bible says — would fail harder than Carly Fiorina running a major corporation. (Topical jokes!) And by no one, we mean everyone, even those without God on their speed dial: A musical based on the family featured in the “Duck Dynasty” reality TV ...
  A Great Time To Major In Not Studying Things

Republicans Slash Money For NASA Because NASA Might Use It For Science

Go home, NASA, you're drunk
The House Science Committee, in a move that took absolutely no one by surprise, voted last week to slash NASA’s budget for Earth sciences, because apparently the planet we live on has had enough science done to it and doesn’t need any more. NASA is supposed to be about rockets and heroic space stuff, so the agency’s budget did get a nice additional $200 million for space flight, while roughly $300 million has been cut from the 2016-2017 budget for Earth sciences. Take ...
  Mitt 2016!

Mitt Romney Has ‘Thoughts’ On Baltimore And Hillary Clinton, Still Not Running For President (Wink Wink)

Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.comIf you are a perpetual loser of the Republican persuasion, there’s really no better place to go for some tender loving ball-fondling than Fox News. So Mitt Romney spent some quality time with “Fox & Friends” non-blond host Brian Kilmeade, to talk about his big charity boxing match with Evander Holyfield later this month, and to sneak in a “serious conversation about what’s happening in the country, and what’s ...
  He sure stepped into a big puddle of Santorum this time!

Rick Santorum Sorry For Saying Nice Thing About Bruce Jenner, Swears He Didn’t Mean It

He's gotta keep his throat crammed so he doesn't accidentally say nice things.
Frothy hater of erotic freedom Rick Santorum surprised a lot of people this weekend when he said that Bruce Jenner, who revealed in a widely watched interview with Diane Sawyer that he (that is the pronoun Jenner has requested for now, so preemptively shut up, thanks) is transgender and identifies as a woman, is deserving of human compassion and respect, and that we should take Jenner at his word. Is this the Santorum we know and loathe? Did he fall down and hit his head? What are these ...
  Satan probably did it

Mean GoFundMe Refuses To Raise Cash For Allegedly Murderous Baltimore Cops

Pppppplease!
Why does GoFundMe hate the wingnuts so much? It seems like every day, somebody is putting up a campaign, only to have it canceled, just because the beneficiaries of the sweet wingnut cash quote unquote “broke laws.” First you had them taking down the anti-gay Oregon cake bakers’ GoFundMe, because they were found to be in violation of Oregon civil rights laws. (The owners contend that Satan did it, of course.) Then the gay-hating flower lady, Barronelle Stutzman, had her ...
  You'd Think Hate And Rage Would Bring People Together More

First And Second Amendments In Battle To Death As A**holes Shoot Up Texan Anti-Islam Event

She seems nice
A bunch of anti-Muslim extremists in Texas were attacked by a couple of Muslim extremists yesterday, proving that America needs to take much more extreme measures to protect itself from Muslim extremists. In the Dallas suburb of Garland, Texas, the charming folks of the “American Freedom Defense Initiative,” Pam Geller’s happy band of Islamophobes, were holding a widely publicized contest to find the bestest possible cartoon of the prophet Mohammed — a $10,000 prize ...
  another reason he'll never be president

Paul Ryan Knows Real Problem With Welfare Is How Rich Those Poor People Get Off It

Paul Ryan, high as fuck
Republican Rep. Paul Ryan is the wonky boy genius of the House of Representatives, according to his colleagues and the voice in his head, because he wrote a “budget” one time to privatize Medicare, slash welfare benefits, and tell the poors to feed themselves with their own damned bootstraps, like Jesus said. So of course he was on CBS’s “Face the Nation” to talk about how he’d win the war on poverty: I would consolidate many of our federal poverty ...
  It happens to all guys seriously

Ben Carson Prematurely Ejaculates Presidential Announcement

Ben Carson is only doing this because people are BEGGING him to.
Dr. Ben Carson, who is very good at being a neurosurgeon but doesn’t seem to have other strengths, officially announces his candidacy to lose to Hillary Clinton in Detroit today, but whoops, guess he couldn’t keep the “secret” any longer, because he “leaked” the news to WHAM ABC 13 in Rochester on Sunday. In the interview, Carson sleepily says that he is “willing to be part of [that] equation,” presumably the equation required to save America ...
  She'll place all her pantsuits in a blind trust

Epic Fail Carly Fiorina Officially Announces She’s Just Like Hillary Clinton Only Better

Some assembly required.
With not a single demon sheep in sight, Carly Fiorina officially announced that she is also tossing her name in the hat for the great Hillary Clinton Ass-Kicking Raffle of 2016. Unlike all the other presidential candidates except for one (some lady, can’t remember who right now), Fiorina made her announcement on her website, with a video we’re assuming is titled “Me too! Me too!” We’d show you the video, but cutting edge leader in technology Carly Fiorina ...
  Sincerely Helled Beliefs

Surprise! Satanic Temple Has Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs About Abortion Too

Enough Norman Rockwell, and you're damned forever
We are once again pleasantly gobsmacked by the simple brilliance of our favorite First Amendment trolls, the dead-serious activist/satirists at the Satanic Temple. If Christianists are going to insist that sincerely held religious beliefs give them an opt-out for any law, then by the Hoary Beard of Baphomet, the same should hold for Satanists, which is why the Missouri branch of the Satanic Temple is preparing to sue for the right of a Satanist lady to skip Missouri’s dumb 72-hour ...
  Here have some news n stuff

John Boehner Wants To Know Why Hillary Clinton Isn’t Helping Congress Get Stuff Done

Speaker of the House John Boehner appeared on “Meet the Press” Sunday and said a whole bunch of dumb stuff. On the death of Freddie Gray and the charges brought against six Baltimore police officers: “Public servants should not violate the law.” That’s deep. Maybe Congress ought to make a law about that. Also, the solution to impoverished cities like Baltimore? Lower taxes. Of course! As for the any-day-now national marriage equality? Yeah, he still ...
  let's have brunch and gossip about the week's top stories

You All Sure Do Love Pat Robertson’s Gay Blowjob Advice! Your Weekly Top Ten.

Don't use your teeth!
It’s Sunday Funday, Wonkers! How is everybody doing? We are fine, thank you for asking! Let’s take a moment to reminisce about the week’s most hilarious stories, for us to laugh at together. But first, remember that your Wonkette loves you, which is why we work very hard to make you laugh, while also informing you of everything you need to know about. And it takes money to do that, because we all have to put food on our families, and our bellies. So do us a solid and throw ...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Poverty Is A Myth Because Poors Are Fat And Lazy

Dear Editor: I have had it up to here with playing second fiddle to a bunch of stupid marshmallow horses...
We got a bumper crop of idiots in the comments this week, for some reason — our fault, really, since Yr Wonkette had to go and stir up trouble by writing stuff about the poors, the blacks, the gays, and the Duggars — add your own punchline. Our piece on a brilliant proposal to cut food stamps for any family whose kids took part in the Baltimore protests moved several people to offer their thoughts on why anyone needs food assistance anyway. Our star commenter on that topic was ...
  Faster Pussycat Kill Kill

The Snake Oil Bulletin: No, Your Cat Is Not Vegan. You Are An Idiot Who Is Killing Your Cat.

Not related to the story but CUTE.
Welcome back, you unwashed masses! It’s time for your weekly dose of pseudoscience and phooey we like to call the Snake Oil Bulletin. Our main story today involves the delightful murderous fluff muffin you see above, let’s meet that kitty cat! Vegan cat food is a thing and we officially hate people Are you ready to lose a little more hope in humanity? This week, Yr Wonkette fell down a veritable rabbit hole exploring the world of “natural” pet care and discovered a ...
  we give up the end

Florida Is Completely F*cked, The Legislative Edition! Your Florida Roundup.

Florida [flawr-i-duh], noun: 1) A callous, avaricious swampland of greed and dumb run by bible-thumpers and hucksters the state’s residents aren’t smart enough to vote out of office, no matter how badly they fuck them over. We’ll begin this edition of The Roundup with a look at the head-desk clusterfuck that is the Florida Legislature, which dominated the headlines in these here parts this week. The Florida Legislature, run by massive Republican majorities, didn’t make news for any ...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says No Racists On $20 Bill, Let’s Stick With Andrew Jackson

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
As even the paupers of the Wonketariat know, Andrew Jackson’s face adorns the American $20 bill. That is, as they say in academia, “problematic,” so Senator Jeanne Shaheen of New Hampshire has introduced a bill to replace Andrew Jackson’s face with that of a woman. That doesn’t sit so good with Sarah Palin, no sir. Writing in the New York Times, author Roxane Gay suggested that Margaret Sanger should replace Jackson on the 20. Gay only wrote 360 words in favor ...