Outreach? What outreach?

GOP: Thanks For The Votes Ladies, We’ll Take It From Here

In theory anyway
Republicans aren’t too keen on putting women in charge. In the US House of Representatives, men will chair 20 of 21 committees next year. Assignments aren’t finalized for the new GOP leadership in the US Senate, but Lisa Murkowski appears to be the only woman to chair a committee on ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Thomas Jefferson Cosplay Will Not Save Your Job

Shockingly, this outfit is not a persuasive argument
Remember when we told you about one Ira Dennis Hawver Esquire JD, who appeared before the Kansas Supreme Court dressed up as Thomas Jefferson? And no, he wasn’t kidding. He was there to beg the court not to disbar him for being a terrible, awful THE WORST lawyer, and he figured if his ...
  Meanwhile in Missouri

Ferguson Grand Jury Says Darren Wilson Killed Michael Brown But It’s Cool

After dropping days of just-kidding hints and sending the media into a third-degree frenzy Monday, the grand jury mulling the fate of Ferguson, Missouri, police officer Darren Wilson finally released its decision. St. Louis County Prosecuting Attorney Robert P. McCulloch announced that Wilson ...
  Laugh While You Can

Let’s Pretend This Caption Contest Winner Is The Only Announcement Everyone’s Waiting On

Winner, winner, chicken dinner! (for breakfast?)
We had a little caption contest last week, and we went and prepped the winners to run this afternoon, but it almost seems like you’re all… distracted, for some reason. Can’t imagine why! But since we have it, we will run it, because for godssake we could use something other ...
  i do declare i have the vapors

Lindsey Graham Is Mad About All The Things

It's crap, I tell you! Also garbage, crazy talk and foolishness.
The House Intelligence Committee’s report on BENGHAAAAAZI!!!1! continues to disappoint all the conservatives who are still absolutely positively 100 percent convinced that the Prophet Sheikh Obama (peace be upon him) should be impeached and perhaps rendered to the prison at Guantanamo Bay for ...
  Let's Focus On The Real Monster Here

John ‘God Did The Holocaust’ Hagee Thinks Barack Obama’s An Anti-Semite

Unclear whether Obama is God's Will or just bad luck
Wingnut San Antonio pastor John Hagee, who memorably explained that the Holocaust was God’s gift to the Jews so they could return to Israel, told the Zionist Organization of America Sunday that Barack Obama is anti-Semitic because he is too friendly with Iran. Hagee noted reports that the ...
  'Don't Know Much About History' Now Official Policy

Texas Gets The Moses-Wrote-The-Constitution Textbooks It Deserves

As far as we can tell, this guy is completely serious.
You may recall that back in September, we told you about some of the fascinating textbooks being written to conform to Texas’s cool new history standards, which the conservative Fordham Institute called “a confusing, unteachable hodgepodge.” The textbooks had a lot of ...
  Our Cold Dead Hands

A Responsible Gun Owner Thanksgiving

Yet another in the seemingly endless 'kitties and guns' series
With the annual Harvest Feast nearly upon us, when we give thanks for all our blessings, especially the Second Amendment, which makes all other blessings possible, let’s take a quick look at how America’s Responsible Gun Owners are keeping themselves safe from crime and preventing ...

Hero Dads Who Are Heroes Cook Dinner Sometimes Like Total F*cking Heroes

Sometimes he helps, no, no really
Sure, in old-timey days the women did all the housework and the childcare and the cooking and the shopping and the every other damned thing including the wiping of their husbands’ precious bottoms, but ever since the feminists killed patriarchy — well, it’s stayed pretty much ...
  Brother can you spare some canned corn?

Walmart Canned Food Drive For Its Own Employees Hits Alice Walton Right Where She Lives

What is wrong with this picture?
It’s that time of year again when the the magnanimous folks at Walmart ask the company’s hard-working employees to dig deep into their low-wage pockets to give, give, give to each other, on account of how hard-working employees of Walmart can’t even afford to eat that bargain ...
  Stuff it!

Eat Stuffed Celery Until The Feast Is Ready

Here’s an American-style vegetable dish for your Thanksgiving pre-feast noshing. It’s celery! Stuffed with cream cheese*, mostly. This Thanksgiving classic goes great with cocktails, so keep the recipe in mind next time you throw a party. Also, discuss in the comments your favorite ...
  Ira We Hardly Knew Ye

Ira Hansen, Your New Favorite Nevada Wingnut, Already Calls It Quits

Goodnight Sweet Dunce
Just after we proclaimed him our favorite new wingnut and looked forward to a 2015 full of brilliantly idiotic quotes and policy positions, Nevada state assemblyman Ira Hansen has announced that he will not become Speaker of the Nevada House of Representatives after all. It seems like only ...
  Guess who picked the short straw

Obama Learns His Lesson From Election, Fires Only Republican In Room

Sorry, Chuck, but someone's got to go
It seems President Obama has learned at least one valuable lesson from the devastating mandate delivered by the minority of the American people who bothered voting on Election Day: can the Republican. The New York Times is reporting that Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, the only Republican ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Maybe The GOP Will Pass An Immigration Bill, Just To Show Up Obama (Video)

No, really! They might pass a bill!
Rachel Maddow gets the feeling that this executive action on immigration isn’t going to be quite the disaster for Barack Obama that a lot of Republicans have been insisting it must. For all the bluster, impeachment is a no-go (even if the House votes to impeach, there’s no 2/3 ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Another White Guy Wants To Know Why No One Protests Blacks Killing Each Other

Some guy who thinks he still matters
As Ferguson, Missouri, braces for the grand jury’s decision on whether to charge Officer Darren Wilson with killing teenager Michael Brown, some loser ex-mayor who suffers from severe delusions about his own relevance (a condition apparently also suffered by whoever books guests for ...
  Young Goodman Brownshirt

Sundays With The Christianists: Nathaniel Hawthorne Had A Co-Author. Was It Satan?

We just like saying 'Gish'
If it’s Sunday, this must be Christianists! Time to get all literary again, as we learn how Nathaniel Hawthorne is personally responsible for destroying Christianity in America, at least according to homeschooling advocate and radio preacher Kevin Swanson and his intellectual e-book ...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Some Votes Are More Equal Than Others

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
On this week’s installment of The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, Governor Quitterpants looks right into the camera and argues with herself for six minutes. Democracy is good, Palin says, and since the Republicans won in 2014, the will of the voters must be ...
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Rand Paul Explains How Not Deporting People Is Just Like WW II Internment Camps

There is a certain cockeyed logic to it...
Yes, it’s another Derp Roundup, where we steam-clean our browser tabs of stories that were too stupid to ignore, mix the slurry with booze, and serve it up to you. Consume carefully! Our Top Derp comes from Rand Paul, who approaches every topic as if it were a late-night discussion in a ...
  Red Dawn II: How Tiresome

How Irresponsible Is Putin? Let’s Ask This Russian Guy Who Embezzled a Billion Dollars

Like all karate black belts, Vladimir Putin is incapable of anticipating anything. He’s “not someone who sets strategic plans; he lives today.” He’s as unpredictable as a menopausal woman [no offense, Mom – Riley]. Sometimes he even barricades himself in his Kremlin nuclear fallout ...
  Perfect With Bobbicue

Y’all Are Eatin’ Collard Greens Up In Here; Or, Vegetables Are Better With Bacon

Collard Greens are an ancient food first cultivated in Greece at least two thousand years ago. It is a mildly bitter, leafy plant widely recognized as an accompaniment to meals served in Africa, Brazil and the Southern US. Collard greens have endured the test of time in many nations because ...
  And Now Benghazi Is No Longer An Issue

House Benghazi Report Finds No Conspiracies, Gets No Love From Fox

Still missing an H
In a classic Friday news dump – the favored method for releasing information when you hope the fewest people will notice — the House Intelligence Committee released the results of its Great Big Benghazi Inquiry yesterday afternoon, and boy oh boy does it have some devastating news ...
  In Case You Missed it

Wonkette Week In Review: Here’s What All The Cool People Were Reading This Week

While you’re snowed in (you’re not? Lucky!) this weekend, why not take a moment to catch up on some of the fine Wonkets that you may have missed during the week? You know the drill by now — we tally up the most-shared stories of the week on our Facebook page, list them here as ...