You Guys, The Bundy Family Is Being Tyrannized Again

  our jackbooted america
You probably didn’t miss Cliven Bundy and his loveable rapscallion family of scamps, but apparently they’ve missed you. Won’t you give them the love and attention they crave, America? What if they found new tyrannies to valiantly defeat, taking a Braveheart stand against the ...

Jon Stewart’s Mind Literally Blown By Rick Perry’s Indictment

  clipbait
No one who smirks in a mugshot could be evil
Jon Stewart isn’t quite sure what to make of this Rick Perry indictment. Is it just the trick of a cruel comedy god to keep satirists from having fun during the 2016 primaries, or is it, like his smirking mug shot, actually going to make Perry look even cooler, as the innocent victim of a ...

Rep. Dr. Mike Kennedy, Esq., Will Protect Utah From Dangerous Hospitals

  he's a doctor honey
dr mike jd aww yeah
People of Utah, did you know you are under threat by monstrous hazards that lurk behind gleaming facades, endangering your very life under the diabolical ruse of helping you avoid death? There could even be one of these hulking terrors right in your own neighborhood.  Fortunately, there is a ...

Pennsylvania Gov Corbett Accepts Filthy Obamacare, Nation Weeps For Lost Innocence

  Two Cheers For Pennsylvania (Some Conditions Apply)
skeptical nurse is skeptical
After a year of negotiations, Pennsylvania has gotten federal approval for its alternative to Medicaid expansion, which will insure about 600,000 low-income Pennsylvanians through payments to private insurers. The benefits will be stingier than the federal Medicaid program, and will add some ...

STFU Joe Scarborough And Other News You Can Maybe Use

  Your morning cup of wut?
Jackass
It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday, everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend. And drivin’ on the highway. And stuff. Here’s a dumb question: Here are some better questions: Don’t those men who said those things have a responsibility to step ...

John McCain Just Wants To Remind You How Iraq Got This Way (Obama)

  Twitter History Is Bunk
Scary Monsters then, Scary Monsters now
John McCain is very upset with that wimpy Barack Obama for not announcing a new policy of bombing the ever-lovin’ bejeezus out of ISIS everywhere, and immediately after the President’s presser today, the Senator From Constant Seething just couldn’t wait to let us know that ...

Watch President Obama Share His Favorite Cat Gif Or Something

  Twitter History Is Bunk
We have no idea what he’s going to say. Probably “Screw you guys, I’m out of here and hitting the links. Enjoy President Biden.” 4:14 PM: Okay, seriously, what is up with this suit, huh? 4:17 PM: Obama’s talking about Iraq. And Syria. Basically, it’s all ...

Pat Robertson Pretty Jazzed About How ISIS Terrorists Are Pulling End Times Prophecy Together

  And At That Time A Friend Shall Lose His Friend's Hammer
She looks like she's calculating how long it would take to reach the emergency exit
ISIS is a bunch of unstoppable murderous thugs trying to drag the Middle East into a New Medieval Order, and Pat Robertson couldn’t be more tickled by the prospect. You see, children, Brother Pat is excited by their goal of unifying Iraq, Syria, and chunks of Egypt into a radical Islamist ...

Ben Shapiro Just Doesn’t Get Why These Gays Have To Ruin Sports With Politics

  If April flowers bring gay showers...wait...
Whey-faced anger bear Ben Shapiro has never met an issue he could not connect to the scourge of leftism and political correctness that is ruining America for whiny, snot-nosed, privileged jerks like Ben Shapiro. Today’s example: This highly unintelligent screed over at Dead ...

Sen. Kay Hagan’s Opponent Will Do All The Math For Her Dumb Little Lady Brain

  Math is haaaaaaaard (for ladies)
See? He's doin' math!
Let’s say you are the North Carolina house speaker, and your name is Thom Tillis — hypothetically. You have big bold dreams of being a fancy-pants United States senator, so you decide to challenge sitting Sen. Kay Hagan. Let us also say, just hypothetically, that while polling shows ...

Here We Are Now Seattle, Entertain Us

  Nevermind
Back in our salad days of last June or whatever, we drove around the country, buying you beer. Mostly, this was so we could have a vacation and call it a work expense, except it actually kind of was work. When we lost a man in Kansas, there was no waiting with her until she had ...

John Oliver Has Weird Idea That ‘Equal Pay’ Should Mean Men And Women Get Paid The Same (Video)

  Equal Pay For Equal Jerks
Not to be confused with Gibson's follow-up, 'Why Are Jews?'
That wacky immigrant John Oliver went on vacation, but he also left behind some videos! On Monday, Last Week Tonight posted this look at gender inequality in the workplace, and in just seven minutes, takes down a lot of the dumb excuses made for it. To the claim that the pay gap between men and ...

Market Basket Crisis Over, Good Arthur Buys Company, Spankings And Oral Sex For All

  Episode VI: Return Of The Bald Guy
Can't think of many other CEOs we'd want to hug
Big Happy Labor news today, in the form of a corporate takeover, oddly enough. Arthur T. Demoulas, the good Arthur in the family feud over the Market Basket grocery chain, successfully closed a deal to buy out his cousins, including the evil Arthur, Arthur S., who wanted to run the company like ...

Republicans Poll Ladies, Learn Ladies Too Dumb To See Republicans’ Awesomeness

  Ladies Like Superior Firepower
Attack of the 50-Foot Priebus
A couple of big mainstream Republican groups commissioned a major report on the party’s prospects with women, and the astonishing result is that the ladies just aren’t that into Republicans. Inorite? [F]emale voters view the party as “intolerant,” “lacking in compassion” and “stuck ...

Oh Good, Now All The People Want To Put The Tiny Brown Babies In Baby Jail

  On the count of three everyone panic
Nothing to fear except EVERYTHING
File this under No One Could Have Predicted: While members of Congress are on summer vacation, holding town halls so they can pretend to give a damn about what their constituents have to say, it seems some of those constituents are a tad miffed about this whole BORDER CRISIS!!!!! situation and ...

Politico Reporter: Kirsten Gillibrand Is a Lying Liar, Since No Man in Congress Has Ever Been Sexist

  world's most deliberative bodies
k to the g
On Wednesday, the New York Post published tidbits of what promises to be an entertaining and depressing new interview with Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand in which she describes being called “fat” and told to work out more since she was getting “porky” by older male colleagues ...

Jon Stewart Warns ISIS: The Ultimate Terror Lies Ahead, And It Is Bureaucracy (Video)

  clipbait
Shazam!
Jon Stewart has this helpful tip for revolutionary Islamist groups: “First rule of Evil: Try not to have your acronym remind people of ’70s live action children’s television shows.” But who are these guys, anyway? If you listen to cable news, they’re pure evil, ...

Hello Kitty Is Not A Cat, Sorry ‘Bout That Nazi Pasta, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

  Your morning cup of wut?
Who needs more coffee? And donuts? You, you over there, you were supposed to bring the donuts. BREAKING!!! Stop the presses (or the pixels, whatever): Hello Kitty is not a cat. She’s a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never ...

Pennsylvania Gov Wants To Make It Easier For The Ladies To Buy Booze And Make Him Some Sammiches

  Another edition of excellence in GOP lady outreach
Hey ladies! GOP wants you to run for Congress!
So this is a little awkward. Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett (R-Obviously, As You Shall See) has a swell idea to reach out to the ladies, because we all know how great Republicans are at that. (That’s sarcasm. Lots of sarcasm. ALL THE SARCASM.) “I think a lot of people want to be able ...

Ben Stein: But Didn’t You See Michael Brown Was BLACK?

  Intellectual Powerhouse Of The Right
Michael Brown was Bruce Lee, too
In a very important Newsmax interview that we won’t see a red cent out of your clicking on, former game show host and one-memorable-role actor Ben Stein courageously took on the myth that Michael Brown was an “unarmed teen,” because, as he told interviewer Steve Malzberg, ...

Bill Kristol Just Wishes We Could Bomb Somebody And See How It Works Out

  There'll Be No One Left To Blame Us
Help him!
“Help him, help him,” Bill Kristol was sobbing. “Help him, help him.” “Help who? Help who?” Yossarian called back. “Help who?” “The bombardier, the bombardier,” Kristol cried. “He doesn’t answer. Help the bombardier, help ...

Nine-Year-Old Girl With Uzi, F*ck You America

  No Need For Gun Skills!
Kid With Gun, Bernard Dumaine, 2012
In News of Responsible Gun Owners today, we have the story of some loving parents who know that you can never start too soon when it comes to putting firearms into the hands of your tykes. Sure, maybe in the olden times you might give your kid a .22 rifle so that they can become accustomed to ...