So here’s some high-octane Nightmare Fuel — you may want to remove any kids from the room before viewing — from something calling itself “St. Mary’s At Large.” The ad’s producers claim it has been airing on MSNBC and Fox News in the New York/New Jersey region. In it, a vaguely Burl-Ives-ish voice intones,
“This is Amy. She lives in America. She’s free to smile to show she’s happy. Everyone’s OK with this. Amy is a Christian. She’s also free to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ to show she’s happy. But not everyone is OK with this. We are one nation under God. No man owns Amy’s happiness, and no man will define how she shows it”
And then “Amy” screams (it could be dubbed in), and giggles, as an ornament behind her falls and shatters. Oh, and as we learn that “Amy” is a Christian and not everyone is OK with that, “Amy” turns her head and we see that her face has a couple of cuts on it — or maybe that’s jam. This is the most thoroughly WTF ad we’ve seen since a strange Minnesota man stepped out of a lake holding a coffee cup. But at least that one didn’t end with a sudden piercing scream.
Why are the atheists beating Amy for being a Christian? Will this ad truly “end the war on Christmas” as the producer hopes? Will someone please wash the jam/makeup off Amy’s face? READ MORE »
You gotta hand it to good old sad old Marcus Bachmann. He takes a licking (ewww now we have that image in our head and we HATE us) and keeps on ticking. After the homosexxicans at Truth Wins Out went all undercover-like and found out what we all knew – that Marcus’ “counseling” services was pretty much nothing but holding hands with Marcus while he cast out your gay demons, he still kept on keepin’ on. He’s currently suffering the slings and arrows of being one of the subjects of a federal grand jury probe about all Michele’s funny monies during her comically short presidential campaign, but he remains bloody and unbowed. But maybe these things have been distractions from the really great Christian counseling you could receive from Marcus, but you might be scared off by the Bachmann name, on account of how it is scary. So Marcus has solved this problem by changing the name of his counseling service to the aggressively bland “Counseling Care.”
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Humor often involves the creative juxtaposition of dissimilar things, or so the experts would have us believe. And if you’re doing a comic book, you can often wring some larffs from turning an unlikely figure into a superheroic type person. Hence, you get your Battle Pope or your Squirrel Girl, or your weirdass WTF crossovers like Archie Meets the Punisher or Spider-Man Visits Saturday Night Live. (Yes, it happened. Deal with it.) That hallowed tradition of “special (unauthorized) guest appearance” accounts for the dual-automatic-wielding Barry Obama up there, in the upcoming 4th issue of The Other Dead, a comic whose premise is that humanity is menaced by a plague of zombie animals. From some spoiler images at Bleeding Cool, it looks like Barry will once again trying to invite comparison to Abraham Lincoln, who hunted a vampire or two in his day. In fact, Sen. John Cornyn has already derided the zombie-crtter apocalypse as just another attempt to distract from the failures of Obamacare.
You kind of figured this had to be on the way: Internet wingnuts are now complaining that by honoring the memory of Nelson Mandela, Barack Obama is retroactively insulting other people, conservatives especially. This is only logical. For instance, Dead Breitbart’s Home For Scabies-Afflicted Dingos has a lengthy piece about the horrible, horrible slur that this is to our Best Ally Ever, because the Preznit did not attend the funeral of Baroness Margaret Thatcher. Instead, the official delegation was headed by a couple of nobodies named James A. Baker and George Schultz, which was a slap in the face to the memory of the woman who Kept The Falklands Free. And how do we know this was an epic diss? Why, from the British tabloids that whined about it, of course. And also from the well-known fact that Barack Obama so hates colonialism that he hollowed out that bust of Churchill to use as a urinal. READ MORE »
Terrible news from the frontlines of the War on People Who Refuse to Believe There is a War on Christmas Because There Is Not Actually a War on Christmas.
Apparently, according to Sarah Palin, who knows all about it because she hired someone to ghostwrite a book for her on this very subject, lawyered-up atheists and the lamestream media are trying to abort Jesus. Plus also too something about Thomas Jefferson:
Palin said Jefferson would likely agree that secularists had set their sights on destroying the religious themes in Christmas celebrations.
“He would recognize those who would want to try to ignore that Jesus is the reason for the season, those who would want to try to abort Christ from Christmas,” she said. “He would recognize that, for the most part, these are angry atheists armed with an attorney. They are not the majority of Americans.”
Palin said there was a double standard that protected atheists at the expense of the religious.
“Why is it they get to claim some offense taken when they see a plastic Jewish family on somebody’s lawn — a nativity scene, that’s basically what it is right?” she said. “Oh, they take such offense, though. They say that it physically even can hurt them and mentally it distresses them so they sue, right?”
Yup, Thomas Jefferson, “having spent his summers here, having spent influential years here, two miles away from Liberty University,” (founded by Jerry Falwell in 1971, but pffft, details) would probably definitely agree with everything Sarah Palin says. You just can’t argue with an airtight fact like that. READ MORE »
Folks, it’s time to face facts. Obama’s plan to destroy the economy has failed. We had high hopes after the first 14 months of Obama’s first term, as we reveled in the negative jobs numbers that kept rolling in month after month like an ever-rising tide of sorrow. “Good,” we said to Satan, who is our best friend with whom we love to drink blood and other taboo fluids, “Now all we have to do is sit back and wait for Obamacare to finish the job! And if that fails, why, maybe we can hand out some more poisoned money to GM and the big banks! Ha! Ha!”
Well, so much for that. The Bureau of Labor Statistics just released the jobs report for November, and it’s bleak. 203,000 new jobs. The lowest unemployment rate (7%) since December 2008. That makes 45 straight months of job growth, and this time they’re not even all at McWal-Burger Hospice Warehouse: The only sectors that declined were information (-1,000) and financial (-3,000). Not only are we adding jobs, but the sector most capable of screwing everything up again shrank the most! READ MORE »
You will note that we have not spent a lot of time last night or this morning subjecting you to OUTRAGE!!!1! via hellish racist bullshit about the passing of Nelson Mandela. This is because we are feeling gentle and celebratory about a great man’s life — how many people get to bear witness to an actual Father of a Nation bending the moral arc of the universe? — and those irrelevant little sandflies in the darker corners of NRO comments can’t ruin it for us no matter how hard they try. (And they have really been trying.)
So the following from Rick Santorum is not to make you mad. It’s not even maddening! It is just hilarious typical Rick Santorum tonedeaf idiot bullshit, and it is for you to point and laugh. Rick Santorum, how are you like Nelson Mandela? READ MORE »
Good morning, godless heathens who are destroying America with your godless heathenism! Whatcha doin’? Destroying America with your godless heathenism? Yeah, we thought so. And Texas Rep. Louis Gohmert, perpetual contender for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award, would sure like you to stop doing that. Gohmert is one of the mostest greatest deep thinking deep thinkers of our time, who is A Expert on all matters of importance in this day and age, including caribou sexytime, how the damned poors get fat on crab legs with their food stamps, and why, just hypothetically speaking, Congress should maybe impeach President Obama if he ever lets Republicans force him to default on America’s debt.
So how is Gohmert trying to help us save us from ourselves and the total destruction of these United States? Supporting increasing the minimum wage? Encouraging the uninsured to enroll in Obamacare? Free abortion on demand? Hahaha, don’t be RIDICULOSE. Gohmert’s save America plan today is so much simpler than all that commie nonsense. READ MORE »
Wonkers, it is December, and we still are trying to sell you the same old warmed-over crap we have been selling you for over a year. Why? Because our ex-boyfriend/eternal art director Paul did not make us good Elizabeth Warren cups, or Hillz cups, for us to send to the Burmese Coffee Cup Slave Labor Company and then on to you. But many of you are quite gifted with the design, of the things! So you have until, hmmm, anytime today (Friday), to design us a cup of Hillz, or a cup of Professor Schoolmarm, and the winner will get AN ACTUAL PRIZE! (It will be a cup.)
Send your designs to tips at wonkette dot com, with the subject line “Burmese Slave Labor Coffee Cups For Elizabeth Warren And/Or Hillz 2016″! Make sure they are not stealing other people’s artwork, for us to be sued! Most importantly, BE MOAR AWESOME THAN PAUL. Poor Paul. We will probably fire him for Christmas.
Media Watchdog Ben Shapiro saw something nasty on the teevee. He did not like it. No sir, he did not like it one bit. He did not like Chris Matthews’ interview with Barack Obama one single itty-bitty bit. As the interview aired, Shapiro tweeted,
A new television show asks the question: how close can platonic male love get without spilling over into sexuality? It’s called #Hardball.
And then he wrote it all up for Breitbart, with the headline “Date Night: Matthews Throws Softballs to Obama” — get it? Balls! Just like the title of the show, only soft! Reading between the lines, we almost think that Shapiro is suggesting that Chris Matthews and Barry Bamz are gay homosexuals who are in Big Gay Love with each other and will make gay sex soon. Or perhaps we’re overthinking it. READ MORE »
Now, look, Ted Cruz, just because the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) wrote model “stand your ground” legislation that got adopted by a whole bunch of states , that doesn’t mean they want you going around reminding people of that, OK? On Thursday, Sen. Cruz (R-Poutine) gave a speech at the group’s winter meeting, and got big applause with this line: “My advice to ALEC is very, very simple: Stand your ground.” (applause, whoops, etc.)
You know, exactly the kind of clever, unexpected wit that we’ve all come to love him for. Funny, though: after the speech, ALEC spokesdude Bill Meierling explained very carefully to CNN that it sure would be incorrect to suggest that ALEC is a proponent of standing one’s ground, even metaphorically:
“I believe that he used that as a rhetorical device because it is a phrase that everyone in this room recognizes because of the challenges of the past two years … Every single person also knows that we no longer have any model policy on that issue, or any firearms issues for that matter.”
What, this Frankenstein’s monster right here? No relation to us, we can assure you. Every single person in the world knows that we aren’t currently doing any reanimation research… Not now, Igor. Shoo! Go ‘way! READ MORE »
We are still having sads that Nelson Mandela, who was a far better human being than all of us combined times 12, died on Thursday. He was a genuine, good-hearted badass who pissed off all the right people. Ronald Reagan? Check. Dick Cheney? Check. Jesse Helms? Check. And he was also a genuine, good-hearted feminist badass, as Erin Gloria Ryan femsplained at Jezebel. He fought for a Women’s Bill of Rights. He fought for free health care for children and pre- and post-natal care for their mothers. Also too this:
Mandela was key in promoting the adoption of the Constitution of the Republic of South Africa in 1997, which contained passages guaranteeing gender equality and prohibiting sexual discrimination.
Seriously, go read the whole thing right now, but then come back here because you will definitely want to know about this other thing he did in 1996. READ MORE »
McDonald’s employee website has obviously been sabotaged by union thug moles (again) (AGAIN again!), who are trying to make them look bad. Obviously no person without a nefarious agenda would put up an employee website with an etiquette section on how much to tip the help for the holiday. READ MORE »