Takin’ hits from the bong

Grammaw Queefs A Spliff

Don't bogart that bong, grandma
What happens when three grandmothers who’ve never gotten high before decide to try out The Reefer? Some dudes in Washington State — where it is perfectly legal for grandmothers to get recreationally high — decided to find out. And it is THE BEST. “I was too busy raising ...
  Duckworth Dynasty

Congratulations, Tammy Duckworth! You Know How Babby Is Formed!

Big congratulations to Rep. Tammy Duckworth of Illinois, and her husband, Bryan Bowlsbey, on the birth of their daughter, Abigail O’kalani Bowlsbey. The young’un was born on Tuesday, but her arrival was just announced this morning. In a statement, Duckworth said: “My husband ...
  It's Not Because He's Fat It's Because He Eats Babies

What Is Chris Christie Doing To These Babies?

Chris Christie, he’s a hell of a nice guy, no matter what that goldurned New York Times Magazine says. (They called him masterful and a winner, basically, in many many many words that we did not read all of, because author Mark Leibovich was basically jacking off on the page, and it made ...
  We Don't Interrupt This Program...

Today’s Top Network Excuses For Not Running Obama’s Immigration Speech (1. He’s Black) Updated!

Now it's a few hundred, and still nothin' on.
Update/new development: Yr. Wonkette is psychic once again! (see end of post) Barry Bamz is going to single-handedly overthrow the rule of law tonight, but the teevee networks have decided not to carry the speech, because come on, it’s only a presidential speech, and those are lame. Or ...
  Crime Of Cash-In

Making A Hippity Hop Album Basically Same Thing As Murder

File Photo: the average Californian voter, or D.A., whatever.
San Diego prosecutors are doing their darnedest to make sure a man goes to jail for the rest of his life for a crime he didn’t commit. That’s not a matter of conjecture, like, “No, he’s totes innocent.” Prosecutors aren’t even trying to say he committed a ...
  Here Is A Caption Contest For You All To Suck At

Caption This Picture Of Rand Paul And Al Sharpton (Badly!)

This happened: Please try to not fail at captioning this picture appropriately in the comments, which we do not allow. For added inspiration, we offer you this gem from Rand Paul, one of the leading members of the “Republican Rainbow Coalition”: I don’t think there has been anybody ...
  Here Is A Caption Contest For You All To Suck At

Buttercup Squash Pie To Bring To Thanksgiving Dinner

Just last week, you were so excited to have a recipe for a classic and delicious appetizer to bring to Thanksgiving to wow all the old ladies in your family. Then you were talking to your Thanksgiving host, and you made the mistake of being polite and asking if there is anything you can bring. ...
  Countdown To Imspeechment

A Children’s Treasury Of Preemptive Hissy Fits On Obama’s Immigration Speech

Real wrath of God type stuff
We hear that the president’s giving a speech tonight — not that the broadcast teevee networks will bother carrying it — and while the full details of the executive action aren’t out yet, Republicans know it’s pretty bad. Here are just a few of the Psychic ...
  blah blah blah

‘Democrat’ Jim Webb Would Like To Be The Next Ronald Reagan Of You

Oh, hey there, Jim Webb, what’ve you been up to since you stopped being a “Democratic” senator from Virginia? Been writing some books? Been private sectoring, for America and freedom? Been reconsidering whether ladies can serve in the military after all? Ah, looks like ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Here’s How A White Supremacist Set The GOP’s Immigration Policy (Video)

Amused Maddow is best Maddow
Wednesday’s Rachel Maddow Show begins with another of those rambly goofy stories that make you wonder whether a News Point is on the way, and then gets to the point and you say “Aha!” We won’t even summarize the first five minutes, because you deserve the fun of watching ...
  Here have some news n stuff

America Is Freezing Cold, So Al Gore’s An Idiot. Again.

Whatever, he should just move to Hawaii
Hooray! It’s that time of year when it’s freezing cold, and everyone who Is Not A Scientist but is pretty damned sure real scientists must be wrong about global warming makes “jokes” about global warming because, duh, it is cold so how could the planet be warm? Like Rep. ...
  Blue Crossed Fingers

Here Is A Funny Obamacare Ad, For Funny Joke Times Hooray

You'll be OK. Probably
With Obamacare open enrollment moving right along — and so successful that even John Boehner is keeping his Obamacare — the Illinois ACA exchange, Get Covered Illinois, is running a nifty new ad to inform you that there actually are some no-cost alternatives to having health ...
  please shut the piehole already

People Continue Enabling Mitt Romney’s Belief That He Is Still Relevant For Some Reason

Ha ha! Hair gel!
Usually when a candidate for president gets crushed in the election like a vat of grapes in an I Love Lucy episode, he has the decency to disappear from public view, maybe take up a cause like building houses for the poor (Jimmy Carter) or global warming (Al Gore) or returning to the Senate to ...
  what is lawful?

President Obama To Double-Dog Dare Republicans To Impeach Him. On Live TV!

Bring. It.
Republicans have made it very clear they do not want to have to impeach President Obama — unless he forces them to do it by, for example, insisting on doing his job for the next two years. They are particularly concerned that the president will issue an executive order on immigration ...
  Bavarian Nazis...I Hate Bavarian Nazis

German Town Punks Neo-Nazis, Raises Funds To Fight Neo-Nazis

Sure, darling, tomorrow is all yours.
We have to admit we love a good caper where the bad guys get burned — that moment at the end of The Sting (spoiler warning for a 1973 movie everyone should’ve seen by the age of 14 anyway) where Robert Shaw realizes that his great big bet is all gone, for instance. We’d like ...
  Pot And Kettle Reach Bipartisan Agreement

Jimmy Swaggart’s Pastor Son Sad That Gays Are Beheading Jesus

OMG, too late!
Remember Jimmy Swaggart, the fire and brimstone televangelist who sort of semi-disappeared in disgrace in the early ’90s after news broke of his visits to prostitutes? He gave a big teary “I have sinned” speech, the prostitute told the squicky details of how they never ...
  We must destroy science to save science

GOP So Mad Someone’s Doing Science On Crazy Internet Trolls

Rep. David Schweikert (R-Defender of
A group of meddling congressional Democrats is planning to stick up for science in the House chamber this afternoon — but don’t worry, their post-enlightenment nonsense won’t be tolerated. The action comes in response to the Secret Science Reform Act of 2014, sponsored by ...
  Dupe Dupe Dupe Dupe Of Oil Oil Oil

Dems Reject Mary Landrieu Job Preservation Act, Beautiful Tar Sands Pipeline

Now how can we show our love for the tar sands?
This post made possible by the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for Clean Gas and Clean Coal and Clean Oil Spills and Clean Tar Sands and Word Salad. In a vote that either killed the economy forever or rescued the environment forever, the U.S. Senate last night fell one vote short of passing a bill ...
  Get baked on shrooms for dinner

Haven’t Put Horseradish And Mushrooms On Your Baked Potato? What Are You, An Idiot?

Consider the stuffed baked potato. Can you see it? Reconsider the vulgarities of hot potato buffets and imagine your potato fully realized, with the addition of creamy horseradish sauce and wine-drenched mushrooms. Now have a wealth of sides. Sautéed mushrooms improve everything. I weep for the ...
  A Noble Spirit Embiggens The Smallest Man

Indiana Governor To Poors: Eat This!

He seems nice.
Indiana Gov. Mike Pence has some thoughts about the poor, and those thoughts are quite inspiring! You see, what with more people entering the workforce, Indiana’s Family and Social Services Administration decided not to renew a waiver from work requirements for people on food stamps, ...
  A Noble Spirit Embiggens The Smallest Man

CNN’s Don Lemon: If Bill Cosby Rapes You, Just Bite His Dick

Rape prevention tips
NOTE: Just so you know, we’re going to talk about dick-biting. This is not by choice; it was forced upon us by CNN’s Don Lemon. So if you have a problem with dick-biting, you should lay back and think about the weather, because it turns out that dick-biting is also an excellent way ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: DuPont Plant Knows Nothing About Its Own Toxic Leak Except That It’s Safe (Video)

And yes, the guy who said 'just drive around' to find out what chemicals are stored in your town is now Governor of Texas
Rachel Maddow starts off this segment with a bit of history: Texas just love industry, and sees no reason why a lot of unnecessary government regulations should get in the way of profits. Oh sure, sometimes a fertilizer plant blows up and kills 15 people, but they chose to live near/work at a ...