Another Mass Shooting In America. What The Hell Are We Supposed To Say?

This would fix everything
What are we supposed to tell you about the man who murdered 10 people at Umpqua Community College in Oregon on Thursday morning? Gawker’s Sam Biddle wrote on Thursday in defense of reporters contacting witnesses, via Twitter, even if it seems invasive and rude, because that is their job. That is reporting. At The Concourse, Barry Petchesky similarly argued that the feverish reporting of every detail, following a tragedy such as Thursday’s, even if those details are speculation ...
  How many times has he given this speech now?

President Obama Asks Americans To Stop Shooting Each Other, For Real This Time

Another mass shooting in America on Thursday, this time at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Oregon. At least 10 are confirmed dead, another 20 are injured, and the gunman, also deceased, has been identified only as a 20-year-old male. [UPDATE: The Douglas County Sheriff’s office is now reporting 10 fatalities and 7 injuries in the shooting, numbers lower than previously reported by the state attorney general.] So it’s time for President Obama to heave another heavy sigh and ...
  Again? Yes again

Second Amendment Saves At Least 10 At Community College From Being Alive, F*ck You America

Jesus probably wants you to buy more gun now
Welcome to your Latest Mass Shooting, America! At 10:40 AM local time, an as-yet unidentified gunman opened fire at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Oregon, leaving at least 7-10 10 people dead and approximately 7 wounded (see updates at end of post). The shooting reportedly began in or near the campus science building, Snyder Hall. Early reports — not yet confirmed — are that the shooter has been either “neutralized” or “apprehended.” A livestream ...
  Get it? The headline is a joke that means this is a racism story!

Alabama Finds New Clever Way To Show The Blacks How Much They Care

Totally not racist.
Remember that Supreme Court case Shelby County v. Holder, in which the court decided that America had totally gotten over racism and therefore there was no longer a need for racist states like Alabama and Mississippi and Tennessee and Arkansas and South Carolina (ET CETERA!) to consult with the Justice Department before passing new, racist voting laws? And remember how Alabama’s Republican-controlled legislature passed one of the nation’s harshest voter ID laws, in order to make ...
  Burning Sensation

Second Planned Parenthood Hit By Arson In A Month. Those Videos Are Working!

Yes, yes, it's from Fahrenheit 451, just roll with it
Looks like the anti-Planned Parenthood hysteria is inspiring some fine Americans to make the world a safer place for fetuses by taking direct action. In Thousand Oaks, California, somebody tried to burn down a Planned Parenthood clinic. While initial reports from the Ventura County Sheriff’s office only called the overnight fire “suspicious,” by midday Thursday, investigators had determined that it was arson. No one was injured in the fire, which was put out by the ...
  Try again dumbass

Kentucky Governor To Kim Davis: Your Dumb Lawsuit Is Bad, And You Should Feel Bad

Still up on that cross.
Kentucky clerk Kim Davis has had a busy few weeks! She spent some time in the slammer for refusing to do her job. She got to snuggle inside Mike Huckabee’s armpits. She cried on the TV to Megyn Kelly about how it’s just super mean when people (like yr Wonkette) say her lord and savior Jesus Christ doesn’t love her. She went to the Values Voter Summit and probably did poppers off Phyllis Schafly’s underboob while there. And she met the pope, who she may or may not be ...
  Terrific campaign pitch

Mike Huckabee Demands Lap Dance From America Or He Will Burn This Place Down

Putrid squirrel schlong Mike Huckabee is sick and tired of being cock-teased and blue-balled by the strip club that is Washington DC, and he is not gonna take it anymore. Instead, he’s going to burn it down. Washington: It’s a strip club. The political class dances for the donor class. And the working class get stuck with the tab. Americans are tired of it. They’re tired of corrupt Washington elites. Let’s burn down the Washington political machine and rebuild this ...
  Voyage Of The Damned Again

Donald Trump Tells Syrian Refugees To Go Back To Mexico

They look pretty dangerous all right
Not content to merely say that he’d refuse to help any of the hundreds of thousands of refugees fleeing the civil war in Syria, Donald Trump promised that he will return all Syrian refugees that the United States has already taken in. “I’m putting the people on notice that are coming here from Syria as part of this mass migration, that if I win, they’re going back. They’re going back, I’m telling you,” declared the alleged human being at a rally in ...
  Sorry CNN

BREAKING: Joe Biden Still Not Running For President

He makes the gays' days better. AND their nights.
Despite CNN’s recent love note to Vice President Joe Biden that it has voluntarily changed its own rules and will do all the backflips and blow all the kisses and do his laundry and wash his car if Old Handsome Joe will please, pretty please, run for president, Biden has declined to accept the offer. At least for now. At this time. Winky winky, no definitive announcement, stay tuned, keep those fingers crossed! Vice President Joe Biden has extended his window for deciding whether to ...
  Prepare To Be Schlocked!

James O’Keefe Catches Hillary Clinton In Biggest Felony Yet!

Isn't truth an ironclad defense?
Moron undercover video scam arteeste James O’Keefe claims to have finally nailed Hillary Clinton campaign workers committing serious campaign law violations in Nevada, maybe, at least if O’Keefe yells “Felony! Felony” loud enough. In his latest hit video, released initially to top-quality journalistic outfit The Daily Mail, O’Keefe claims that a Clinton worker violated Nevada election law by enticing Latinos to register to vote with a cell phone meme of Donald ...
  Fuck The Poors. Literally.

Baltimore Public Housing Maintenance Dudes Getting So Much Head, Bro

GRRRRR. So here is a new twist on “Fuck The Poors.” How about ACTUALLY Fuck The Poors? Or at least force them to give you head, or other assorted sex favors, in exchange for maintenance work in public housing? Because this is apparently a thing! Now, you might be thinking, “Wonkette, I rent my apartment because I am not a part of the American Homeowner Dream, and when I call maintenance, they just come over and show me their pockmarked buttcracks while they fix my ...
  No one cares if you don't like it

Suck It, Ted Cruz: Government And Planned Parenthood To Remain Open

Hold on, hold on, still thinkin' ...
In a bizarre attempt to earn their six-figure paychecks for a change, a sufficient number of congressional Republicans agreed with Democrats that Sen. Ted Cruz sure is a moron, and also, it would be a good idea to keep the lights on in America, at least for another few months: With only hours to spare on the last day of the fiscal year, Congress approved a temporary spending measure to avert a shutdown and keep the federal government operating through Dec. 11. […] The temporary ...
  Who would Jesus hate?

Greedy Gay-Hatin’ Bakers Pocket Sweet Bigot Bucks, Tell Court To Suck Frosting

It's a beautiful gesture of love, accompanied by a really bad movie
Last we’d heard, those poor oppressed Christian bakers in Oregon were literally running for their persecuted lives, stopping only briefly to send cake-flavored care packages to LGBT groups to let them know they’re going to burn in hell for all that evil buttsexing. All because the mean administrative judge at the Oregon Bureau of Labor and Industries told Aaron and Melissa Klein, of Sweet Cakes by Melissa, that they are not allowed to discriminate against same-sex couples, it is ...
  An Armed Society Is A Paranoid Society

High School Students Try To Do Journalism On Guns, Gun-Humpers Freak Out

This must be the politest society in anime
The wingnuttosphere is up in arms — concealed, openly carried, and hidden in the underwear drawer where their kids will never find them — over an “invasive” survey that some Texas high school journalists put together to gather information on whether students’ families owned guns and what their beliefs on regulation of guns were. Or as this headline from a gunhumping blog howled: Credit where it’s due — The Blaze actually took the time to find out ...

Josh Duggar’s Penis Had A Accident On Another Porn Star

Close that filthy mouth, slut boy.
Everybody in the front row, cover yourselves with plastic, because we’re about to Gallagher some more Duggar spooge your way. Remember how Josh Duggar had to go to the Fuck-No-More Bible Camp, after it was revealed that the porn demons in his penis forced him to make nasty all over the Ashley Madison website, and that he also hired one of his favorite porn stars, Danica Dillon, for the purposes of doing rough sex to her in a way that creeped her out far more than any violent hardcore ...
  We are monsters

America Hears Pope’s Words On Death Penalty, Gets Back To Killing Folks ASAP

Same as it ever was.
We’re mad at New Pope at the moment, for having a secret Jesus tryst with Kim Davis where he reportedly told her she was some kind of freedom fighter, for refusing to do her job. But one thing everybody might have already forgotten about is how Francis used his address to Congress to call for an end to the barbaric death penalty — you know, that thing where we get to exact bloody revenge on people for doing bad things without even having to lift one of our obese American meat ...