at least this guy had the sense to wear a dress shirt

Remember last month when all CNN did was show planes and more planes to keep your eyeballs glued to the screen over the missing Malaysian Air jet? As the saga dragged on, CNN logged ceaseless hours in a flight simulator with a pilot, but now that pilot has been fired for looking grubby and shaming Canadians.

Oh, also too he sorta stopped showing up to his regular job.

A Canadian flight simulator business fired an instructor who figured prominently in CNN’s coverage of missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, saying he showed up late to his regular job and “shamed Canadians” by dressing like a teenager.

uFly company owner Claudio Teixeira said he fired Mitchell Casado on Wednesday in part for refusing to dress professionally and making Canadians “look very bad all over the world.”

READ MORE

'Happy Passover, Eric.'     'Fuck you, Mr. President'  - likely dialogue
Gather round, ye children of this fair land. It has cometh to our attention that scoundrels, muckrakers, and charlatans hath sought and attained positions within our genteel federal government. These miscreants have the audacity to make partisan public speeches – IN PUBLIC, no less. These divisive, partisan activities and vile words are not acceptable to the gentlemanly persuasions of Eric Cantor, who nearly fainted from ferklemptness recently.

How were Cantor’s delicate sensibilities nearly destroyed? It started when the dumb stupid President called him to wish him a Happy Passover and discuss immigration reform. Yet earlier that very same day, the President gave a speech attacking Republicans for not moving such legislation! The audacity of some people! Everyone knows that Republicans never, EVER, make partisan speeches to raise money one day, only to try to work together with Democrats on another. (Hahaha, they actually don’t, because that second thing.)

Naturally, Cantor had to release a blistering partisan press release in which he derided blistering partisan attacks. Because why show class when this will raise more money for you and your party. Let’s hypocrisplore.  READ MORE »

Here, I'll bring some poor people to kiss the ground for you. Jerkwad.

Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!”

–Mark 10:21-23

And lo, the prophet Bryan, Fischer of Men, did speak to the people Tuesday through their radios, and he did say, “Now just wait a darn minute… have you thought this through? The rich pay for everything, so just you knock off your class warfare, Jesus.” READ MORE »

The panel of "Outnumbered" prepares to kill, skin, roast and eat Eric Bolling.

Fellas, do you ever feel as if there are just too many women in your life who will not stop with the yapping about stuff like that hussy Taylor Swift and liberals and “The Big Bang Theory” and liberals and how much ladies love shooting their guns and how terrible liberals are? Do these conversations ever bleed together in one long, shrill bleat that bores into your skull like a drill press? Do you ever feel…outnumbered?

If so, you will definitely not want to watch the new Fox News daytime talk show “Outnumbered,” premiering Monday, April 28. Like every other show on Fox, it will consist of a bunch of wingnut idiots lying about everything and calling President Obama a Marxist fascist dictator who wants to steal your guns and make you pay for Sandra Fluke’s birth control. Ha, we’re kidding. The panelists will be discussing “the leading pop culture and relationship issues dominating the headlines that day.” And probably all the ways in which any negative stories are Obama’s fault.

The twist? Fox’s press release describes “Outnumbered” as “Featuring an ensemble of four female panelists and one rotating male,” which brought to mind an image of Greg Gutfeld sitting on a Lazy Susan, slowly turning in circles on a table while squawking like a chicken at the four women seated around him. Which, now that we think about it, would be a lot more entertaining than “Red Eye.” READ MORE »

tbt: the best turtlenecks

Instagram, it’s this thing. We do not actually know what it is, you look at other people’s lunch? And old pictures of Joe Biden and Chris Christie, who, judging by babby (and we are not being sizeist here, just historical-minded), seems to have begun his weight gain as sympathy bloat? How undapper and unstyley he appears next to old handsome Senator Joe Biden, who is rocking a turtleneck with total confidence, like he is on his way to drink Courvoisier with the honeys on the yacht.

Senator Joe Biden, Mr. Good Times. Let us see some more Joe, schooling us all on “fashion.” READ MORE »

baby's first cabbage head

Jenny McCarthy? Nope! Carmen Electra? Nope! Shannen Doherty? Nope! Tori Spelling? Jessica Simpson? Nope! Sarah Michelle Gellar? Nope! Janet Reno? Nope! Which person is dumbsplaining at you that she feeds her kid soup every day instead of vaccinating him because something something Western medicine and also too anecdotal “evidence” about how vaccines make babies sad sometimes?

READ MORE

SQUEEEEEEEE
America’s favorite fake Indian, Senator Perfesser Lizbeth Warren, has written a new booky wook, squeeeeeeee, aaaaaah, ARE YOU GOING TO BUY IT, I KNOW ME TOO!! The book is called A Fighting Chance (buy it here, we get money), and the Boston Globe and The New Yorker already have reviews up if you want to read them. But will the Globe and the New Yorker join you in freaking out about this, oh my god it’s going to be so good? They will not, so we will now blockquote at you:

On her first day on the job, [former Treasury Secretary Tim] Geithner — who Warren often disagreed with — took her out to lunch. When she showed up at his office, he presented her with a present: a cop’s hat.

Then they got into the back seat of an SUV that was driven by a security detail. Warren put her seat belt on; Geithner didn’t.

“Like a bossy third-grade teacher, I looked at him and said, ‘Put on your seat belt, Mr. Secretary,’ ” Warren writes. “Like a naughty kid, he looked back and said, ‘I don’t have to.’ ”

SASS FACTOR OF TEN, MADAM SENIOR SENATOR OF MASSACHUSETTS. We look forward to reading the slash fic in which Geithner and Lizzy Dubs just totally do it, right there in the SUV, with the Secret Service watching and everything. (We are not good at writing slash fic.) But also, Geithner “presented her with a present”? Unacceptable, especially when there’s a perfectly good thesaurus available to all Microsoft Encarta users.

That’s enough copyediting snark for today. Do you want more ambiguously sexual dialogue to snicker at?

“You’re jamming me, Elizabeth,” Obama said.

YEAH YOU ARE, SENATOR SEXYTIMES.

“He urged me not to overplay my hand,’’ she writes. “Got it.’’

Let it build…let it build… READ MORE »

Taxes

This past Friday the President released his tax returns for 2013. Little ink was spilled over this momentous occasion, because it was boring. Mind-numbingly boring. Like pretty much everyone else’s tax returns. In fact, the most interesting thing about the Obamas’ taxes is that they aren’t interesting: the majority of Bamz income comes from his Presidential salary. His books made a nice chunk of change, but a lot less than they did in 2012, which probably explains why they only gave 12 percent of their income to charity instead of last year’s 25. (Joe Biden, God Love Him, managed to increase his frankly terrible charitable giving to about 5 percent.) So that’s all, right?

What, are you new here? Of course that’s not all. Enter The Blaze. Did you know the President hates God? That’s right. The President only gave $1500 to St. John’s Church, thereby illustrating THE PROBLEM WITH AMERICA. The Obamas did give away $59,000, or about 12 percent, to totally God-hating causes like the Lymphoma and Leukemia Society and the Red Cross. But they don’t count because that isn’t “tithing.” READ MORE »

hellllooo, sexxay...Attention, America: Old Handsome Joe Biden has the Instagram now. Please keep your sextpectations to yourself. READ MORE »

bare arms good, bare shoulders bad, per jesus

We are thanking our lucky stars above that unlike last week, there is only one episode of the Duggar family saga, “19 Kids and Counting” to recap this week. Watching two of them is a level of torture we don’t deserve, no matter what we’ve done.

We’re watching those endless credits again, and realizing that Spawn of Duggar, Josh, and his wife, Anna, have also too named their children names that begin with the same letter. (Fuck you, we are not looking them all up.) Is this a Jesus thing that we don’t know about?

This week, we open with some loving shots of the Duggar family laundry room, which is bigger than the laundromat we usually go to.

READ MORE

ben-carson

Do you remember Dr. Ben Carson’s VERY IMPORTANT SPEECH at the National Prayer Breakfast in February of last year?

No? How could you forget? It’s like forgetting 9/11. Just 434 days ago, today, Dr. Ben boldly rambled proclaimed that poverty is bad, education is the answer, we should adopt God’s taxation system, went off on a weird riff about health care, and explained that political correctness is stifling OUR GREAT NATION right in front of President ‘Nobama, The Great Capitulator. And Bamz was PISSED. You can tell because the Prez had the audacity to walk right up to Dr. Ben, shake his hand and thank him for participating.

See! Obama can’t even keep breakfast in line! How’s he going to keep Russia from invading Alaska?

But, that is not the end of the story. Because Dr. Ben was persecuted for his thoughtful remarks. Scandal and outrage ensued! Riots were foretold. The liberal media, also known as Fox News commentator Cal Thomas, told People on the Internet that the National Prayer Breakfast wasn’t the right venue for partisan politics. Blood ran in the streets.

And now, 1 year, 2 months and 10 days later it is happening all over again: This morning Fox News has the exclusively, non-exclusive scoop (which is completely coincidental and in no way related to the press release announcing Dr. Ben’s new book) that directly after the Prayer Breakfast the White House demanded that Dr. Ben apologize to the president. Which shocked us all last year when they first reported it. But not as much as CNN’s Breaking News Headline last night – you guys, did you know the Titanic sunk?! WHAT THE FUCK. We really hope they find the black box soon. READ MORE »

Something something eternal vigilanceHere’s some pretty good news on the old reproductive rights front:

A federal judge on Wednesday overturned a North Dakota law banning abortions when a fetal heartbeat can be detected, as early as six weeks into pregnancy and before many women know they’re pregnant.

U.S. District Judge Daniel Hovland, who is based in Bismarck, said the law is “invalid and unconstitutional” and that it “cannot withstand a constitutional challenge.”

You know what this means, ladies: Free champagne at the Abortionplex and all the promiscuous sex your Obamacare-mandated slut pills can handle! (Offer good only in Fargo, North Dakota) READ MORE »

The horror!Here’s the latest rightwing freakout that doesn’t involve cows: Sharp-eyed observers noticed a couple of Soviet propaganda posters in the background of a photo of White House press secretary Jay Carney’s kitchen that ran in a fluff piece for Washingtonian Magazine. Reaction was swift: Barack Obama is surrounded by communists who live in nice houses. Eric Owens at Daily Caller describes the photo of the Carneys’ “dacha” as showing a “vast spread of fruits, meat and breads of all kinds…fit for an extended family of Slavic monarchs.” Jeff Allen at Matt Barber’s BarbWire asks,

Might these be collectivist subliminal messages? Or maybe it confirms President Barack Obama’s socialist/communist leanings as demonstrated in the selection of the members of his administration?

We’d really like to think they’re just something Carney picked up right before the photo shoot, just to piss off wingnuts.

But yes, this is definitely a smoking gun of some kind, Inpeach, yawn, oh my goodness yes, it is pretty much over for Barack Hussein Obama and his terrifying plans to turn America into a communist hellhole just like Nazi Germany. READ MORE »

mom, he started it!

Remember how we ignored the Pulitzers because US Airways tweeted a picture of a lady with a plane in her vajayjay? Turns out the Center for Public Integrity won for a series on how the medical profession screws over black lung patients. Now ABC wants a piece of that Pulitzer too.

ABC News’ new president Ben Sherwood sent a four-page letter to the Center for Public Integrity Tuesday asking CPI to share its Pulitzer Prize with ABC News investigative reporter Brian Ross and producer Matt Musk, whom it said worked as equal partners with CPI investigative reporter Chris Hamby on the prize-winning story.

Why so selfish, CPI? Didn’t your moms teach you that it is nice to share, especially when the thing you could share is a prestigious journalism award? Suck it, says CPI, because we did all the work and you just dropped in every once in a while, ABC, so the Pulitzer is ours all ours.

READ MORE

SONY DSCA year ago, there was a small to-do in Boston. Just your usual everyday thing, as long as you’re in Dresden in WWII. Yesterday Boston hit refresh on that awful day, with proud Bostonians running to the finish line on their once-mangled legs, only to find a big black backpack awaiting them. Surprise! It’s ART!

Edson reportedly told police when he was in custody that the bomb hoax was a piece of performance art. He had a streak of yellow paint down one cheek and a streak of blue paint down the other.

“I knew what I was doing. It was being conceived in my head. It’s symbolism, come on, it, the performance, got the best of me,” said [performance artist Kayvon] Edson according to a police report read by Assistant District Attorney Susan Terrey

According to the court-appointed psychologist who evaluated Edson, he has a history of mental health issues, which seems likely. But name a performance artist who doesn’t!

READ MORE