pretend i'm dead

Cool Conserva-Ladies: Stop Pretending You Got Roofied, You Ignorant Slut

Here is a video of some dumb lady who is all like “date rape drugs meh nonsense sniff.” Cool, lady! Very good think-tanking, we are sure! I do not have fancy “numbers and facts,” but I* have been roofied three separate times! I could be all mad about it, like GRRR date ...
  But He Won't Do That

Gov. Kasich Will Still Murder Your Obamacare, Ohio, Except For All The Parts Of It

Add your Amazing Carnac joke here
This one makes a lot of sense: Ohio Gov. John Kasich kind of embarrassed himself by speaking a very uncomfortable truth Monday, saying that even though Republicans like to talk about repealing Obamacare, it’s just “not gonna happen,” and that Republican opposition to the ...
  As Always The Voice Of Reason

Bill O’Reilly Wishes You Chicks Would Stop Being Such Girls

Must be 'that time of the month'
Americans are scared, and they feel like things are completely out of control, and Bill O’Reilly is ON IT. You see, this Politico poll found that, in the most contested states in the upcoming midterms, 2/3 of voters said America “has lost control of its major challenges.” Huh. ...
  shhhh! that's your inner monologue

RNC Lady Wishes You Weren’t Stupid, Wisconsin

Wisconsin voters head for the polls, apparently.
Everyone say hello to Sharon Day, co-chair of the Republican National Committee and today’s winner of the “Shhh! You’re Not Supposed To Say That Out Loud” award. Day was visiting Wisconsin to fire up the troops working to re-elect Scott Walker as governor when she spoke the following aloud at a ...
  Republican won't let gays get wet

Don’t Feed The Gays After Midnight

No self-respecting gay person would be caught dead driving one of these
Anthony Culler, the Republican running against James Clyburn for South Carolina’s 6th Congressional District, has a few problems as a candidate, according to The Hill. Culler “is not well-liked by the GOP establishment in South Carolina, and has no chance of defeating Clyburn this ...
  Dia De Los Dipshits

Kirk Cameron Proves Pagans Tried To Steal Halloween From Baby Jesus

Could be Baby Jesus, could be mummies. Your call
Onetime teevee actor Kirk Cameron, getting into the spirit of the pre-Christmas movie release season, gave a very exciting interview to the Christian Post, in which he revealed that Halloween is a 100 percent Christian festival of 100 percent Christian origins. OK, sure, by pure coincidence, it ...
  It’s just like common sense and stuff

Marco Rubio’s Not A Scientist, Man, But He Is An Ebola Expert

He's, like, an expert and stuff
Republican Florida Man Marco Rubio “is not a scientist, man,” but that doesn’t preclude him from knowing exactly what we must do to combat the spread of Ebola. That’s why he’s introducing a Senate bill to force the U.S. of A government to do what he knows is the ...
  pity the fool

Smoove B. Barry Bamz Beclowns Chicago Fool

Thanks to Buzzfeed — a phrase we type as rarely as possible — we got us some Suavay Presidente stone cold clowning a fool in Chicago before claiming his woman as his own by presidential right. We miss “Mike,” the fool, telling the Leader of the Free World not to touch ...
  playing dress-up

Poor James O’Keefe Can’t Even Trick Dumb Dems Into Committing Voter Fraud

James O’Keefe’s fault – if he has a fault — is that his flair for the dramatic can sometimes get in the way of his top-secret undercover investigations. Subtlety is not something that comes naturally to the wunderkind who rose to conservative fame on the strength of his ...
  Your Morning Not-Maddow

Charlie P. Pierce, Esq., Misses The George Will Who Didn’t Suck

Hi, Charlie! We love you, Charlie!
Conservative intellectual thought leader George Will made an ass of himself on Fox News Sunday this week, claiming “Some doctors say Ebola can be transmitted through the air by ‘a sneeze or some cough.’” The alleged source of that “information,” the ...
  potent quotables

Ohio Golden Boy Josh Mandel Pretends Nice Words About His Opponent Are For Him

We assumed we had seen the last of Josh Mandel, Boy Treasurer of Ohio, back in 2012 when he lost a Senate election to rumpled Shar-Pei Sherrod Brown. But apparently Mandel has been running for re-election for treasurer this year, against a Democratic state representative named Connie Pillich. ...
  potent quotables

Andrea Mitchell Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Whatev, Andrea
Have you heard the story about the president who got a blowjob from a lady who wasn’t his wife? Sure you did. Because that blowjob would be old enough to drive a car by now, and lots of hack “journalists” cut their teeth typing out the scintillating details of semen stains and ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Ron Paul Tells Dumb Son To Shut His Big Stupid Yap

Just trying to live up to daddy
Grab your popcorn, it’s time for another round of Republican Daddy Issues: Ron Paul, who is a medical doctor, pointed out that an estimated 3,000 to 49,000 people died every year from influenza, but no one was considering a travel ban to stop the flu from spreading. “So right now, I would ...
  letter from moscow

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Have Great Comradeship To Share With Your Wonkette!

Psst! Mr. Riley Waggaman! How can you resist Vladimir?
Greetings, American stooge monkeys! It is I, your great friend President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, once again here to speak to you on the Wonkette! Now that you have correspondent in our Motherland, is only fair that Vladimir respond. Not to worry, Mr. Riley Waggaman! Though America is safe ...
  We Have Always Been At War With Ebola

Idiots Blocked Obama’s Surgeon General Nominee. Thanks Obama!

We make the *other* poor dumb bastard die of Ebola
Important news from the “I know Obama’s an obstructionist, what am I?” front. Missouri Sen. Roy Blunt explained on Meet the Press Sunday why America doesn’t have a Surgeon General during this here Ebola outbarack: turns out that it doesn’t have anything to do with ...
  jesus is coming ... in a totally heterosexual way

Bigot Twins’ Hobo Dad Has Nothing Better To Do Than Heckle Gay Weddings, For Jesus

Jesus hated boobies
Remember when Jesus said all that stuff about queers putting their wangers in their butts and how you can’t make a butt baby? We don’t either, but some hobo convicted stalker “street preacher” who is the dad of those sexy Aryan Bigot Twins sure does! And that is why he, ...
  true grit

Look At This Fake ‘War Hero’ … Oh. Wait.

If he's not going to use a pic of himself in uniform, neither will we
From Charlie Pierce, the feel-good political story of the day: There’s this Democrat guy running for the 6th Congressional district in Massachusetts, Seth Moulton, who made it onto the radar of Boston Globe reporter Walter Robinson because while Moulton is a veteran of the Iraq War, his ...
  Who would Jesus kill?

‘Pro-Life’ Murderer Demands His First Amendment Right To Kill Again

Yep, conspiracy to commit murder is right in there!
When a convicted “pro-life” terrorist who shot an abortion doctor to death, in his own church — for the unborned babies, and for Jesus! — threatens to do it again, you should probably take him seriously. Scott Roeder, who murdered Dr. George Tiller in 2009, has been ...
  Land Of The Freaked And Home Of The Terrified

What Stupid Pointless Ebola Freakouts Are We Having Today?

Keep Calm and Freak Right The Fuck Out
Now that the first group of people to be exposed to Thomas Eric Duncan — including his fiancée and other members of his family in Dallas — have made it through their 21-day quarantine period without developing the disease themselves, you might think that maybe people might be ...
  smashing pumpkins

Jerk Cable Access Reporter Besmirches Honor Of Great Pumpkin Fest White Riot

insert something
Journalists! They are always trying to smear their journa-poo on every last good thing, like Keene, New Hampshire’s, Pumpkin Fest, or Sarah Palin! Here we have one “Jared” “Goodell,” who’d broadcast live from the Pumpkin Fest for eight hours, because we guess ...
  Dear Tucker: This One Time At FEMA Camp...

Idaho Christians Going To Jail For Standing Up To Homosexuals, Just Like Martin Luther King

Looks like the pogayto will be getting a lot of work now
Nobody could have seen this coming. The second Idaho got marriage equality, the crazed liberals who rule that state started oppressing supporters of traditional marriage right and left. Just look at this screaming headline from Tucker Carlson’s Internet Rage-a-torium: “Idaho City To ...
  From Russia With Snark

Don’t Sanction Me, Bro! (Dispatches from the Motherland)

But this time without Patrick Swayze, RIP
Russia. How “serious” is it? Medical experts still don’t know, but President Obama thinks it may be as dangerous as a hemorrhagic fever that causes traumatic diarrhea, usually followed by death. For some obscure reason, this honey-dipped flattery wrapped in rose petals has not ...