history korner

White Hero Republican Would Like Credit For Not Being Racist Monster In 1898, Thanks

Thom Tillis wasn't even there
Stern schoolmarm Thom Tillis – who would very much like to be your next senator, North Carolina, please and thank you – had a chance a few years ago to be a decent and generous human being on the issue of our country’s terrible history of race relations. All he had to do was let the North ...
  Your ego is writing checks your soul can't cash

Air Force Dishonorably Discharges God

Whenever we have another awful natural disaster that wreaks havoc on America and kills folks, Bible-humpers will have a ready excuse on hand. Climate change? Hahaha, don’t be naive, you moron. Airmen who enlist or reenlist in the United States Air Force will no longer have to say the phrase “so ...
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Beats The Crap Out Of The NFL, Risks Two-Game Suspension (Video)

Exculpatory is such a great word
Jon Stewart went after the NFL’s spate of domestic abuse scandals Wednesday, reviewing the league’s initially lax treatment of Ray Rice and Greg Hardy, followed by indefinite suspensions — but only after public outrage at the mild penalties. “It’s the kind of firm ...
  Unsportsmanlike Conduct

Florida State F’ball Star Escaped Rape Charges, Will Pay Big Time For Saying A Swear

Really, we're all 12 years old here.
Good god, y’all, we know how sick you are of all the disgusting horrible woman abusers in the National Football League, so for a break, here’s a story about a disgusting horrible woman abuser in the NCAA. Not just any old college f’ball player, either, but a winner of the ...
  Here have some news n stuff

NASA Found This Amazing Monster Black Hole Inside A Teeny Galaxy, No Big

Pretttttttty
We have SCIENCE! that is so cool, we’re going to start with that today. (Look up. Look at the science. Isn’t it pretty?) We also have a Very Interesting Theory, a super absurd conspiracy theory, the future of travel, and a guy who races the subway … and wins. Look what NASA ...
  Weed The People

Happy Birthday, U.S. Constitution! Even The Parts Without Guns.

Won't someone think of the Yang worship words?
Happy Constitution Day, U.S. Wonkers of America and such as! On this day in 1987, we celebrated the 200th anniversary of the signing of the Constitution of the United States. Yr Doktor Zoom distinctly remembers how none of the students in his freshman composition class got all of the really ...
  Surrey with the lunatic fringe on top

Oklahoma Lawmaker Definitely Not Racist Against Muslim Islamics, Because Dictionary

He seems nice
Oklahoma state Rep. John Bennett is just an ordinary America-loving guy who resents being called a “racist” or an “Islamophobe” just because he tells the absolute undiluted truth about Islam, which is that it isn’t really a religion, but is instead a social and ...
  stop hitting yourself

And Then There Was That Other Time Baby-beater Adrian Peterson Gave His Son ‘A Whopping’

How does this keep accidentally happening accidentally by accident?
For a guy who “never intended to harm his son and deeply regrets the unintentional injury,” Minnesota Vikings sportsball player guy Adrian Peterson sure has some poor dumb unintentional luck. It seems beating up his various four-year-old sons and causing serious injury somehow just ...
  Doob The Right Thing

Colorado PSA: Don’t Eat All The Pot Candy Like That Idiot MoDo

The bad trip scene in that movie was kind of epic
Thank god, a Maureen Dowd column has finally resulted in something good for the world. After she chowed down on a pot candy bar and got super-hiiiiiiigh — very unpleasantly so — the legal marijuana industry in Colorado has referenced her “bad trip” column as part of an ...
  Freakoutbreak

Obama Declares War On Ebola. Wingnuts Discover Ebola Just Misunderstood.

You can always find a scary Obama image, no matter the topic
The U.S. government will be sending 3,000 troops to West Africa to help build treatment centers and coordinate services in the fight against the Ebola outbreak. President Obama announced the initiative during a visit to the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta Tuesday. The deployment will be ...
  Ancho-Rage Alaska

Palin Bumfight Update! New Eyewitness: Bristol Totally Punched That Dude In The Face

Professional Palin Fighting re-enactors. Do not attempt these manuevers.
Additional details keep oozing to the surface about the Great Big Palin Family Brawl of Sept. 6 (aka the Rumble on the Tundra, aka Another Saturday Night With The Wasillabillies). In the newest wrinkle, Roberta Thompson — wife of Eric Thompson, the poor schlub who was fired after he ...
  don't call it a comeback

Scott Walker Will Fight For Wisconsin’s Right To Collect Poor People’s Pee

Scott Walker, locked in a tight race for his second term as governor of Wisconsin, wants his constituents to know he’s committed to their conservative Midwestern values. It’s all right there in his campaign’s new manifesto, “Continuing Wisconsin’s Comeback”: ...
  clipbait

You’ll Never Believe Who Jon Stewart Just Endorsed For President! (Video)

yeah, that one hurt
Jon Stewart had some fun with the seemingly eternal pre-campaign campaign season Tuesday, as Hillary Clinton flew to Iowa so she could once again announce that she may soon have an announcement to make about running for president. And now that she’s attended the 37th annual Tom Harkin ...
  Blowback? What Blowback?

Defending Baby-beater Adrian Peterson Costs Money So Never Mind About Due Process

Yes, asshole, it was something you did
It’s sarcasm-funny how only two days ago, the Minnesota Vikings announced that while “we take very seriously any matter that involves the welfare of a child,” there was no reason running back Adrian Peterson shouldn’t be allowed to kick the sportsball on the field while ...
  Ignore the law with this one neat trick

Your Religious Beliefs Can Get You Out Of Pretty Much Anything Now, Thanks SCOTUS!

United States of
Used to be there was a law that U.S. Americans of America had to obey the law, but thanks to the Supreme Court and its super screwed decision in Burwell v. Hobby Lobby — yes, still mad about that; yes, gonna have children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren to teach them to be mad ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Wonder Woman Is Your For Real Based On A True Story Feminist Superhero

Not the REAL Wonder Woman
We got us some teevee news, some how-we-can-save-the-planet-for-free-with-SCIENCE! news, all kinds of feminism up in here (#RIPpatriarchy) … plus bacon. Our little sister site Happy Nice Time People talks about chicks in the teevee bidness: Looking at primetime broadcast television, a ...
  Costume Drama

Terrible Lawyer Cosplays As Thomas Jefferson To Defend Terrible Lawyering

Sally Hemmings costume sold separately. Like Sally.
From our good friend and Wonker Emerita Lisa Needham, aka Snipy, we have this tale of a lawyer on the edge, kind of like the Jeffrey Tambor character in …And Justice For All, except instead of shaving his head and eating his lunch out on the ledge, this guy, one Ira Dennis Hawver Esquire ...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Stop Using Nerd Words Like ‘Wonkette’

Finally the sidekick gets to write a letter...damn marshmallow horses
We have been down to sump out the comments queue, and man, what a mess. We have quite the assortment, and let’s get right to it with this brief note from “Vfunct,” who was not impressed with our headline about the poor schlub who got fired after he told the story of the Great ...
  well that's just like your opinion man

Creationist Bobby Jindal Doesn’t Understand Why Obama Hates Science So Much

Stand back! I'm going to try science! Or muffins!
In a bravura performance of the “I Know You Are but What Am I” suite today, Louisiana Gov. Bobby “Volcano Monitoring Is Dumb” Jindal attacked the Obama administration for being a big bunch of “science deniers” who don’t have the good sense to drill for ...
  What's All This Fuss About Eye Cysts Anyway?

Very Important Wingnut: Repeal The First Amendment So ISIS Doesn’t Get Us

Just look up 'Backpfeifengesicht'
Never one to let an opportunity for paranoia pass by, the Family Research Council’s Tony Perkins found a way to link fear of ISIS with one of his favorite fears, the specter of secularism (which is going to make Christianity illegal any day now). In an online “radio” ...
  Just A Distraction From ISIS

Get Ready For Your Big Benghazi HearingPalooza

It's baaaaack
Just in time for election season, the Great Big Benghazi Hearings and Airing of Grievances are starting Wednesday, so get ready for yet another round of Fox stories about “stand down” orders, Barack Obama sleeping on the job, and of course Susan Rice covering up the attack by saying ...
  It's Just a Cigar

Rush Limbaugh: Men See, They Conquer, They Come

UNSEE, UNSEE!
Prepare to push your twin beds together, Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Public, because Rush Limbaugh is here to give you some completely unsolicited sexxx tips on how to be sexxxy! Rush (and presumably the three former Mrs. Limbaughs) knows a thing or two about sexual disappointment, so his remarks ...