Things That Do Not Go In Guacamole

Not in guac you don't.
Bipartisan unity was at last achieved in these United States on Wednesday after the Grey Lady, the paper of record, suggested something so horrifying that every God-fearing, patriotic American recoiled in disgust, fear and also more disgust. The Times suggested that, this 4th Of July weekend, we ought to all be putting PEAS in our guacamole. Read this blasphemous poppycock: Adding fresh English peas to what is an otherwise fairly traditional guacamole is one of those radical moves that is ...
  Justice Of Miscarriage

Miscarrying Lady Almost Dies At Catholic Hospital, But At Least She Didn’t Get An Abortion

How cool is Steve Brodner? Cool enough that he gave us permission to use this within five minutes of asking!
Oh, Wonketteers, you’re going to want to remove any heavy objects from the vicinity of your computer before you read this one, lest you hurl anything through your monitor (mobile users are advised to tie down their throwing arms). Tuesday, a federal district judge in Michigan dismissed a woman’s lawsuit against the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops and three chairs or former chairs of the Catholic hospital chain that owns Mercy Health Partners’ hospital in Muskegon, ...

Could All Sen. Jim Inhofe’s ‘Gay Friends’ Please See Wonkette After Class?

Is this album cover Sen. Inhofe's imaginary friends?
Oklahoma Sen. Jim Inhofe is right horrified about the Supreme Court cramming his throat with gay marriage, but you know who ELSE is pissed? All of Inhofe’s gay friends! ALL OF THEM: “I’ve been disappointed, and I was not surprised. I thought they would rule the way they did. I know a lot of people, actually a lot of people who are friends of mine in the gay community, who also think it was a bad decision,” he explained. SO! We would like to ask Sen. Inhofe’s many gay ...
  Right in the ear pal

Dear Black Folks, Mike Huckabee Would Like To Be Your White Knight

Fuck you, you fucking fuck
Boy, do we owe Mike Huckabee an apology. While we have, in the past, subtly suggested that Mike Huckabee is a racist piece of fuck, it seems we were wrong. Huckabee loooooooooooves African-Americans and knows the troubles they’ve seen, and he is ready to stand up and fight for their right to not have their real struggles compared to the fake gay kind: “Because if you equate same-sex marriage to a civil right—,” Huckabee said on a local radio station in Baton Rouge, interrupting ...
  Pretty sure this isn't racial transcendence

Idiot Wingnut Chick: America’s Not Racist, Except For Obama

Let's talk about slavery, Heather.
Here America is, all fired up for yet another solemn Conversation On Race, when we don’t even need to be doing that in the first place, since racism is over. The Charleston shooting was an Isolated Incident, because while individual racists still exist, America as a nation does not have any lingering institutional racism, according to Fox News contributing wingnut Katie Pavlich, who begins a column for The Hill by setting a straw man gloriously ablaze, much like the recent spate of ...
  If You Strike Him Down He'll Become More Powerful Than You Could Possibly Imagine

Donald Trump Fires Macy’s For Letting Mexican Rapists Into America

It's A Big Lady, Take a Shot of Jager
Trumpendammerung 2015 continues today, as Macy’s becomes the latest of the Great White Shart’s branding associates to say “Adios, puto!” After Trump’s assertion that Mexico is “sending” a whole bunch of rapists and murderers and, he assumes, “some good people” across the border, it’s as if the Trump magic has worn off, and a whole bunch of businesses have sleepily rubbed the gold-leaf fairy dust out of their eyes, wondering why ...
  Won't You Pour Me A Cuban Breeze Gretchen?

Fidel Castro Wins Cold War, Hooray!

Thought about 'shopping Obama's face in there, but nahhh
In news that probably ought to seem a lot more exciting to Cold War Babbies like Yr Wonkette, President Obama announced today that the U.S. and Cuba have finalized arrangements to reopen embassies in each other’s countries. And while we are indeed pleased by the news, we’re mostly just wondering what the hell took so long — and also whether we should yell at Red China about Quemoy and Matsu while we’re at it. As Steve Martin said about Nixon way back in 1977, ...
  ¡Ay caramba!

Hispanic ¡Jeb! Bush Says Donald Trump Wrong About His People Being Drug-Criming Rapists

Not a current picture of Jeb! Bush.
Jeb! Bush is mildly displeased with Donald Trump. Or rather, ¡Jeb! Bush està ligeramente disgustado over Donald Trump’s contention that Mexican immigrants are rapists and drug crimers. Nicest drug-criming rapists you’ll ever meet, though! As a completely legit Hispanic Mexican immigrant from the “Tanglewood” section of Houston Mexico City, it stands to reason that ¡Jeb! would eventually be outraged, two weeks later, in Spanish: Still shaking his head in pique, he ...
  He's almost as good as Michele Bachmann

GOP Congresstwit So Sad SCOTUS Pissed On Graves Of Christian Civil War Heroes

He does history good
Wisconsin’s freshman Republican Rep. Glenn Grothman is fast becoming our favorite numb-nutted wingnut in the House. He’s the one who recently suggested the good people of his district spy on suspicious looking grocery store shoppers, just to make sure those fake welfare queens aren’t buying too many crab legs. He’d already created quite a name for himself as a state senator, with some neat ideas about getting rid of weekends and officially declaring single parents ...
  Will The Thing On His Head Testify?

Donald Trump Knows First Amendment Just As Good As He Knows Mexicans

Also Free Speach!
Humungous bag of weasel smegma Donald Trump is suing Univision for $500 million because it canceled its coverage of the Miss Universe pageant after his really smart (and totally accurate, he says) analysis of Mexicans, who are “bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists.” Some, he figures, are “good people,” so he doesn’t even see why everyone’s having a hissy fit, he’s covered that. And who knows, depending on the details of the ...
  SWAT On The Wrist

Justice Department: Maybe Police Treating Ferguson Like Fallujah Was A Bad Idea

A bit like the end of Close Encounters, only with tear gas.
A draft Justice Department report on the police response to demonstrations in Ferguson, Missouri, last summer finds — and we hope you’re sitting down here — that the heavily armed police were heavy-handed in their tactics, poorly coordinated, and tended to make tensions between police and protesters worse. Who’d have guessed? The report describes a chaotic scene in which the police violated people’s constitutional rights and it was often unclear who was in charge and ...
  The Christians Are Revolting

Jesus-American County Clerks Paralyzed By Gay Cooties

And now this shit
Despite the Supreme Court ordering every single American to get gay married right this second, some Real Good Christians are shouting, “Don’t wanna! Don’t hafta! YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!” Which is rude and also wrong, but that rarely stops bigots from doing that thing they do. Which is why they are inventing loopholes, or outright defying what is now the law of the land, to continue their battle against equality. Like this jerk Kim Davis, a clerk in Rowan ...
  More gay 9/11 coming apparently

Wingnut Terror Alert Level Raised To ‘Hey Gurl!’ After White House Gay Rainbow Display

Just gonna put this here one more time.
On Friday night, after the historic Supreme Court decision where Justice Anthony Kennedy destroyed all heterosexual marriages by letting gays in on the institution, the White House gave us ALL THE FEELS by turning rainbow-colored for the night. The display had been planned for months, which proves President Obama is in the tank for Big Homo, and it was A Good Thing. Indeed, President Obama called it “a moment worth savoring,” even though he had to watch it on teevee, due to ...
  The Suin' 'Er State

Oklahoma Supreme Court Murders God

Note th' Illuminati symbol over th' Eagle!!!
In your Separation of Church and State Nice Time, the Oklahoma Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that a Ten Commandments monument at the state Capitol building has to be removed, because it violates the Oklahoma Constitution, never mind the U.S. one. Fans of Establishment Clause trolls the Satanic Temple aren’t sure whether to rejoice or be a little sad today, because now the group has no reason to push for the inclusion of its awesome statue of Baphomet giving his Satanic blessing to ...
  He made it the old fashioned way

Jeb Bush Tax Returns Reveal He’s F*cking Rich

Only in America
There’s one thing Jeb Bush learned real good from Mitt Romney, besides how to flip flop around like a dying fish on even the simplest of questions, and that is: don’t try to hide how rich you are. You are rich, and everyone knows it, so don’t be all mysterious and defensive because you’ll be asked about it for the rest of your life. (We’re still waiting for Mitt to let us see his tax returns so we can calculate approximately how much of his cash is stashed in ...
  Uncle Dumbass from Slidell

Confederate Loser Buys Delicious ISIS Cake From Walmart Bakery, Doesn’t Eat It

ISIS cake spokesmodel
Gather ’round, little children, for we have a heartwarming story about Walmart, ISIS, cake, and this one Louisiana dumbass named Chuck Netzhammer, who is very sad about how America is stomping all over his beloved traitor Confederate flag. So, because he thinks he is S-M-R-T, he went to the Walmart and said probably something along the lines of “please make me a cake with my favorite flag in the world on it, the one that represents the seditious loser nation that lost the Civil ...
  Everyone is happy now

BREAKING: Majority Of Americans Like Taking Gay Obamacare Up The Butt

This is America now basically
In case you missed it because you were trapped under something heavy, the Supreme Court crammed healthcare AND marriage equality up and down all of our orifices last week. While you might be 69 kinds of butthurt about the uber-liberal judicial tyranny of some dumb lawyers in robes, your friends and neighbors and your mom and her friends and neighbors and their moms are quite thrilled: Most Americans say they support each of the two major Supreme Court rulings issued late last week, and ...
  Not A Rash Decision

California Pries Measles Out Of Anti-Vaxxers’ Cold, Dumb Hands

Are your brains melting yet, Mommy? Are they? Now, about that pony...
Hey, how about some Science Nice Time? California Gov. Jerry Brown signed the state’s new vaccine requirement into law today, over the cries of “Government Oppression!” and “Big Pharma! Big Pharma! Big Pharma!” from anti-vaxxers. The bill eliminates exemptions for personal and religious beliefs, even though many Californians will be sad because their precious unvaccinated disease vectors will not be allowed to attend public schools. The San Jose Mercury News ...
  What's Next? Lube Subsidies?

Open Enrollment For Gay Reparations Beginning Soon, According To Anonymous Moron

The gay Nazis are coming for all your moneys!
We’re guessing this one has only a thin hope of joining ACORN and Jade Helm 15 in the Great Big Catalogue of Rightwing Fears, but let’s document the specimen just in case it manages to thrive. Over at Gateway Pundit, Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet Kristinn Taylor thinks he may have found evidence of a leftist/media (same thing) plan to start demanding reparations for past discrimination against gays, as carefully documented by a guy who heard a thing from a ...
  please send money

Girl Scouts Will Get Along Just Fine Without Transgender-Hating Bigot Bucks, Thank You

Even ones religious right assholes don't like.
As you are all aware, the Girl Scouts is a super badass organization. Its leadership is SO liberal, the Scouts are turning all of America’s girls into militant man-hating lesbian vegans with bitchin’ abortion skills. And it costs money to indoctrinate all those young ladies! The Girl Scouts of Western Washington was very excited to get a $100,000 donation recently, to fund things like financial assistance for little girls whose families can’t afford to send them to camp. ...
  Fire Island Causes Global Warming

Rick Santorum: Know What Really Makes Sea Levels Rise? Gay Marriage.

Also, we should slash NASA's budget and give it to sidewalk anti-abortion counselors
Pathetic self-parody Rick Santorum took to The Fox and The Friends Sunday to explain how to fix the Supreme Court, after it broke America last week, and make America all better again, and the way to do that is for presidents to stop wasting time talking about fake stuff like “Global Warming” and to instead save the American family from turning all gay. After some frothing nutjobbery about how Supreme Court justices should be elected — oh, yay, we’d get U.S. Supreme ...
  a candidate for shouty-americans everywhere

Chris Christie Announces Presidential Campaign By Yelling At America For Its Own Good

Siddown. Shaddup.
Having burned all his bridges in New Jersey – those he didn’t shut down, anyway – Gov. Chris Christie today announced his escape plan: to run for the GOP nomination for president in 2016. There are so many reasons why Christie is likely undertaking this utterly doomed effort: ego, pride, galactically outsized ambition, the fact that everyone in his state hates him so much he might as well spend even less time there than he already does. Yr Wonkette couldn’t make it to this announcement in ...