Colbert Is The New (Rebecca) Black

Let Stephen Colbert Sing You Into Your Weekend

The only genuinely enjoyable version of this song
What a week! But at last, it is Friday. What you really need is Stephen Colbert singing, dancing, and rescuing a very bad song from its own terribleness, with the help of Jimmy Fallon and the Roots. In Colbert’s voice, rhyming “bowl” with “cere-ole” is genius. This ...
  Pregnant Is The New Black

Texas Wants In On This Pregnancy Crimes Game, Too

Invasion of the babby-snatchers
Looks like we have a trend story here! A few days ago we brought you the story of Alabama Supreme Court Judge Tom Parker, who’s working to end ‘bortion forever by building a whole bunch of cases that treat fetuses as persons — often in criminal prosecutions of pregnant women ...
  Autoclave Your Cowbell

President Doctor Ted Cruz Is The Only Cure For Ebola

He's the smart one, never forget
Remember that time Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Canada) was all, “Say health care one more time, and I will shut this government DOWN!” and also something about Green Eggs and Ham and Nazis? Nuh uh, no you do not, because Cruz would never be so reckless and irresponsible as to suggest the ...
  Bending Toward Justice

Oh How Sad, Michael Dunn Is Going To Prison For Life. Wait, Did We Say ‘Sad’?

Lucia McBath & her son, Jordan Davis (1995-20120
Michael Dunn, convicted last month for the murder of 17-year-old Jordan Davis, was sentenced today to life in prison with no chance of parole. Since prosecutors did not seek the death penalty in Dunn’s first-degree murder trial, the conviction carried a mandatory life sentence. Judge ...
  Dude Where's My Czar?

Obama To Fix All The Ebola Now

Rasputin auditions to be held next week
Take a deep breath through your respirator and relax, America! Barack Obama is going to appoint an Ebola Czar to coordinate the government’s response to the not-really-an-outbreak of Ebola in the USA. The appointee, according to CNN, will be Ron Klain, who served in the past as chief of ...
  Sins Of The Son

Old Handsome Joe Biden’s Son Hoovering Up All The Cocaine

Having the Royal Navy bring him the stuff was probably a mistake on his part
Vice President Joe Biden’s son Hunter was discharged from the Navy Reserve in February of this year after failing a drug test for cocaine, according to the Wall Street Journal. It’s a sad story, and pretty unremarkable, but thank god, the Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet, ...
  She makes a bag of hammers look good

Is Iowa’s Lady Wannabe Senator Joni Ernst Stupid Or Just Really Stupid?

Give her a minute she's trying to figure it out
Iowa state Sen. Joni Ernst is definitely not the brightest belle in the drawer. She’s hoping to get elected to the U.S. Senate on a platform of arresting the government for Obamacare, warning the rural folk about Agenda 21′s plot to make them ride bicycles like common Chinese, and ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Rachel’s Pantheon Of Heroes (Video)

maybe we do need another hero now and then
Rachel Maddow noted Thursday night, “Sometimes the news gods decide that today’s news will have a theme. And the news gods decided that for today, the theme is personal bravery.” So in two segments, she brings us stories of people who stick their necks out for the sake of ...
  onward to victory

GOP Has Binder Full Of Jews To Communicate With New Hip Kids These Days

The Republican rebranding continues to suck more than ever, but at least we can be assured of one area where the GOP is making a comeback: Communications. Specifically, in training new communications staffers for campaigns and harnessing social media to get the conservative message out directly ...
  Here have some news n stuff

This Iowa Cop Knows Everyone Who Plays Frisbee Golf Smokes Weed

they probably played disc golf
There are a lot of stereotypes about people who engage in the inhaling of recreational marijuana, and let’s face it, they’re mostly all true, aren’t they? (Not that we would know, of course. [Okay, yeah we would totally know.]) Red eyes, slower reflexes, a ravenous hunger for ...
  Both Sides Don't Actually Do it

It’s OK, America, Crossfire Can’t Hurt You Anymore. Again. (Video)

That's one way to celebrate an anniversary
Can you believe that it’s been exactly 10¬†years (OK, yesterday) since Jon Stewart went on CNN’s Crossfire and told Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson (who still wore a bowtie at the time) that their show was “hurting America”? “I wanted to come here today and ...
  Conduct Unbecoming To A Human Being

Alaska National Guard A Hotbed Of Rapey Recruiters Led By End-Times Porn Baron

True fact: The Anchorage Press's filename for this photo is 'assface_lawendowski.jpg'
Wonkette would like to give a hearty welcome to Lt. Col. Joseph R. Lawendowski, our daily (hourly?) “He seems nice” contestant. Lt. Col. Lawendowski is a rough tough military man and the Deputy Chief of Staff for Operations and Training of the Alaska National Guard. Please note the ...
  Get An Ugly Girl To Marry You

Jen Rubin Wants You To Get Married. Yes All Of You. Even You!

The Washington Post’s Jennifer Rubin wrote an extremely lazy column about how “Marriage = Happiness,” throwing a bunch of blockquotes together and calling it a day. Nice work if you can get it! For a column from the frequently bewildering Jennifer Rubin, it’s not even ...
  The Revisionist Thing

Rightwing Reads NYT Headline, Declares Bush Was Right About Everything

Miss him yet?
As we noted Wednesday, the New York Times has discovered that, after invading Iraq to keep Saddam Hussein from killing everybody with his huge Weapons of Mass Destruction program, which definitely included an ongoing program of building new chemical and nuclear weapons, the Bush administration ...
  Walker 2016

Oh Hey, Looks Like That Lady Might Beat Scott Walker, Huh!

Republican Gov. Scott Walker might be too busy pre-presidenting to notice the disaster he’s been as union-busting boss of the great state of Wisconsin, but a new Marquette University poll suggests that a growing number of likely voters in the state are on to him. Scotty is now running ...
  Probably should be quarantined

Fox’s Shep Smith Goes Rogue, Probably Has Ebola

He doesn't look well, does he?
While the rest of the inmates at the Fox “News” asylum are having themselves the biggest pants-crapping meltdown over Ebolapocalypseghazigate since some Muslim guy inhaled and then exhaled just like a terrorist, Shep Smith — the guy known as the very lonely lone voice of ...
  confederate flag? hey look over there!

If The Confederate Flag Is OK With Yankee Businessmen, It’s OK With Nikki Haley

What if we put Kermit on the flag? Everyone loves Kermit.
Sweet Siddhartha of Myrtle Beach, did someone crack open the skull of Gov. Nikki Haley (R-Of Course) of South Carolina, scoop out her brain, and replace it with a lump of guacamole? Sure, she governs a state populated by rancid goobers who have an unholy attachment to the Confederate flag, and ...
  Let's Move Somewhere Sane

Rand Paul Buys Donuts, Michelle Obama Can Suck It

They can take our brains, but they'll never take...OUR CRULLERS!
Just a quick gut check on American Political Discourse in 2014: Freedom is about stuffing as much fried food into your gullet as you can, and there’s no way we’ll let the meddling First Lady cram arugula down our throats. Aw, Michelle Obama, YA BURNT! Or deep-fried! If she said ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Here’s A Thing That Happened: Rachel Maddow May Or May Not Wear Pants (Video)

Only the crew knows for sure
Our Maddow piece today is a short, nearly silent “And now, here’s a thing…” bit on the embarrassing discovery that Massachusetts Republican candidate for governor Charlie Baker — whose campaign ads have been all about jobs, jobs, jobs — was given an award in ...
  To Affinity And Beyond

Fox’s Keith Ablow: Obama’s Doing Ebola To America Because Of His African Affinities

Fox & Klanz
Worst Psychiatrist Ever Dr. Keith Ablow of the Fox Network’s “Medical A-Team” — they were accused of medical expertise they didn’t have, we guess — explained Tuesday why Barack Negro Blackity-Blackfella Obama is allowing Ebola to run rampant in the United ...
  We Are Saying He Is Shit Is What We Are Saying

In Florida Election, The Rick Just Hit The Fan

The moment Rick Scott lost the election
In what any Very Serious Journalist would consider a disqualifying move that requires the Republican Party to abandon the race completely, Florida Gov. Rick Scott refused to debate his Democratic opponent, the former Republican and former governor of Florida Charlie Crist (because of course; ...
  Now From Our Boise Bureau

Idahoans Like Butch Otter, Hate Hillary Clinton, Go Both Ways On Potatoes

Looks like the pogayto will be getting a lot of work now
Our pals at Public Policy Polling (we like to say they’re our pals, but they don’t know us from Adam’s off ox) have graced us with a poll on the Idaho midterm elections, and you will be astonished to learn that Idahoans are probably going to elect a bunch of Republicans again. ...