Oh, well THAT would explain what happened.There’s a big chewy profile of Old Handsome Joe Biden in the New Yorker today, and the pull quote that everyone’s repeating is Biden’s riff on George W. Bush’s soul-reading performance in 2001, when he looked Vladimir Putin in the eye and got “a sense of his soul.” Biden tells New Yorker reporter Evan Osnos this anecdote about meeting Putin in 2011, which we have no reason to think isn’t 100% gospel truth:

“As I turned, I was this close to him.” Biden held his hand a few inches from his nose. “I said, ‘Mr. Prime Minister, I’m looking into your eyes, and I don’t think you have a soul.’ ”

“You said that?” I asked. It sounded like a movie line.

“Absolutely, positively,” Biden said, and continued, “And he looked back at me, and he smiled, and he said, ‘We understand one another.’ ” Biden sat back, and said, “This is who this guy is!”

Strangely, no one has yet gone to press with the news that Joe Biden is a filthy atheist. READ MORE »

Dogs and cats living togetherSo here’s some Monday Nice Time for you, Wonkers: President Barry Bamz has gone and signed an executive order banning discrimination against LGBT people by companies getting federal contracts, and the order does not include an exemption for companies or even religious charities with deeply held corporate religious beliefs that require them to fire gay workers. Too bad, so sad, religious haterz! READ MORE »

British Ben Shapiro doppleganger

The not-at-all racist members of the British National Party are big believers in the “self-deportation” policies championed by one Mittens J. Romneyford, Esq. They also have some interesting views on the gheys, and they do not appreciate it when those views are challenged. Especially when the challenger is a dog. RawStory brings us the raw story.

The youth leader of a far-right British political party threatened his dog on Facebook over the animal’s homosexual behavior.

“I wish my dog would stop licking the penises of other male dogs,” said Jack Andrew Renshaw, the leader of BNP Youth.

“I love you, Derek (my dog) – but – don’t challenge my principles because my principles will likely win,” Renshaw said.

READ MORE »

When other countries do it, it's an atrocity. When we do it, it's a tragic but understandable mistake.Following last week’s shooting down of Malaysia Airlines flight MH 17, Fox News has been very busy criticizing Barack Obama for his completely insensitive actions in continuing on a fundraising tour, even though America’s national security was clearly at stake following the event (which may also have been just a distraction from the border crisis). After all, said the Foxies, Ronald Reagan didn’t go out on a fundraising tour when the USSR shot down a Korean Airlines 747 in 1983! He gave a very stern speech about the incident, which Fox showed clips of. Stupid Obama should have been more like Reagan, say Fox hosts like Megyn Kelly, Sean Hannity, and others. Which we suppose means that instead of immediately calling the Malaysian airliner shootdown an “outrage of unspeakable proportions,” Obama should have stayed on vacation for four days like Reagan did. READ MORE »

Another good reason to use birth control

A couple weeks back, Buzzfeed posted photos of its employees explaining why they used birth control. It’s a lot of the old, tired “I deserve a say in what happens to my body and my life,” and “I take birth control for my endometriosis” blah-blah-blah we’ve come to expect from the man-hatin’ pro-abortion left.

Well, the mommy bloggers at Catholic Sistas weren’t going to take this Buzzfeed thing lying down, if you catch our drift, and we think you do. They posted their own “Why I Don’t Use Birth Control” piece, and it is just a barrel full of monkeys.

READ MORE »

One of cable's greatest hitsJohn Oliver’s Last Week Tonight keeps pushing the boundaries of what we expect in a fake comedy news show, tackling such not-immediately-hilarious topics as net neutrality, Uganda’s anti-gay laws, and income inequality and producing segments that are both genuinely informative and funny. This week, he turns to the moral outrage that is America’s prison system, and notices that while it makes for good TV, from Orange is the New Black to MSNBC’s entire weekend programming schedule, to the TNT classic, Tim Robbins Stands Shirtless in the Rain: The Movie, we also don’t like having to think about the realities of prison all that much. And yet there are some fairly disturbing things about the number of Americans in prison — little things, like the fact that America has more people in prison than China, which he notes is the only thing we have more of than China outside of “debt to China.” READ MORE »

god, guns, and grub

Though the gun humpers are hell-bent on humping their guns everywhere, they’ve recently suffered some setbacks with places like Target and Chipotle taking away their god-given Second Amendment freedoms by not letting them roll into the store on a tank or whatever. But all is not lost! The Blaze has found some completely random restaurant in Tennessee that loves them some guns, which totally proves oh good lord we have no idea what it proves. But lack of a news hook doesn’t stop The Blaze from giving this rustic restaurant paradise the longest, slowest, most loving tongue bath ever.

READ MORE »

open wide

It was just a couple weeks ago that we learned that Freedom Industries would be suffering under the weight of a crushing $11,000 fine from OSHA for basically poisoning 300,000 people, which works out to a shade under 4 cents for each lucky ducky poisoned person. Now comes time for the class action civil lawsuit settlement, which is just as depressingly paltry, because everything is terrible.

READ MORE »

Ever since the Malaysian airliner was shot down by a surface-to-air missile on Thursday, so very many people have used it as an opportunity to be terrible. See, for example, Wonkette hate favorite Bryan Fischer, who is pretty sure that it was awesome that a whole bunch of AIDS researchers were killed and also too why won’t Obama shut up about the damn gays?

And let’s not even get started on every conservative explaining that Dead Ronald Reagan would have already flown to Russia and personally kissed or murdered Putin, whichever showed more strength and manliness. But in that race to the bottom, do not count out Sky News reporter Colin Brazier, who thought it was a lovely idea to rummage through the luggage of a victim of the crash live on television.

READ MORE »

Can't go wrong with the classicsHey, folks, are you ready to relive the 2000 election? As if some of us didn’t spend most of 2000 through 2008 doing that already? Go dimple your chads, because it’s time for some butterfly ballots, Christian-textbook style! READ MORE »

Mad. So mad. All the mad.

Okay, so it’s Saturday and it must be drinking o’clock hour somewhere, and instead of getting ready to party SOOOO hard and gulp artisanal craftsman cocktails that cost eleventy billion dollars, you are sitting home alone looking at the internets like some kind of person who sits at home alone on a Saturday night looking at the internets. But that’s okay! Instead of being all depressed about sitting at home alone on a Saturday night, you can catch up on all the things that made me MAD!!! in case you missed it because you were, I dunno, working or something. It will make you laugh, it will make you cry, it will kill some time, and then you can go back to whatever it is you were planning to do at home alone on a Saturday night on the internets, I don’t want to know, that’s between you and your god or your hand or whatever.

On Monday, the GOP revealed a new new extra new plan to empower women by telling them they are stupid. Did I get mad about that? Of course I did.

On Tuesday, I learned about some “Christian” college called Gordon, which no one had ever heard of before, begging President Obama to please keep sending federal monies, but without the expectation that Gordon will comply with federal law by not hating The Gay. Did I get mad about that? Obviously.

On Wednesday, I wanted to burn all the things because Megyn Kelly, who knows Santa is white, kids, is apparently not so sure that women’s “health” is a real thing. Also, she said a lot of cunty not-true words about Dr. George Tiller (hero!), so yes, I got mad about that.

On Thursday, I offered some friendly advice to Sen. Ted Cruz, who offered some advice to Democrats, which was to stop being SO mean to nuns and bishops by making them, um, live in a world in which women (including all the Catholic kind) use birth control. Can you guess what my advice was? Check it out.

On Friday, I told you about this wingnut wannabe nurse who is suing a health clinic because the health clinic did not want to hire her when she said she would refuse to actually provide women’s health care because Jesus or whatever. And yes, I did get mad about that because of course I did.

There you go. What things did you get mad about this week?

Follow Kaili Joy Gray on Twitter. She gets Mad at Things. A lot.

Tigers and furries and Wu, oh myYou guys probably remember the weird story of former Oregon Rep. David Wu, whose embarrassing departure from Congress Wonkette never mentioned because he’s a Democrat, right? In 2011, Wu was accused of an “unwanted sexual encounter” with a friend’s 18-year-old daughter, and resigned in disgrace, although ultimately no charges were brought. (Wu claimed the sex was consensual, like they all do.) So what’s he been up to since then? Buzzfeed’s Kate Nocera says he’s been wandering around Congress and DC like some former high school football player who can’t stop “dropping by” the old school three years after he was expelled. David Wu, don’t you know that the Matthew McConaughey character in Dazed & Confused is not a role model? READ MORE »

See also Bikini Kill's "Bloody Ice cream"The Daily Caller advises us today that a Portland, Oregon, ice cream parlor offended the sensibilities of all good pearl-clutching citizens Thursday by holding a fundraiser for Planned Parenthood, and it even “created a new flavor of the frozen treat to mark the occasion.” Oh no! Now even ice cream has lost its innocence!

The parlor, What’s the Scoop, donated 10% of all sales during a three-hour window to Planned Parenthood Advocates of Oregon, Planned Parenthood’s political arm, and featured the “exclusive, limited-edition ROSE CITY REVOLUTION flavor,” according to PPAO’s Facebook page. Rose City is one of Portland, Oregon’s nicknames.

That seems pretty mild, really. No Fetus Crunch? No Devil’s Food & Chocolate D&C? Not even a George Tiller Chiller? Seems pretty wimpy to us. But no matter. Whatever the flavor, it’s the amniotic fluid on top that gives it that special kick. READ MORE »

that's some mighty fine pieWhen one door closes, try another door — and bring a pie. Bring a pie that is so hammered on booze, no one will ever mistake you for a Jehovah’s Witness. I give you this, a Drunk-Ass Cherry and Lime Pie! Guess what else? It’s in a skillet!

A cherry pie made with sour cherries is satisfying, but I was in the mood for some strange. It occurred to me while shopping for produce, why overlook the bags of seasonal black cherries, especially when I have a perfectly good bottle of champagne cognac at home? I envisioned pie. Add lime and brown sugar, whip up a flaky crust, and bake that whole business in an iron skillet. It’s THAT easy.

Here is what you need: READ MORE »

That beard makes him look like a MuslimMeet Jose Antonio Fernandez, who has had all he can stand of Governmental Overreach, and by god he is fed up with the dictatorial Powers That Be. So that’s why he went to a Miami-Dade County Commission meeting to protest the seizure of his nursery just for refusing to pay his grazing fees fines for his crimes against the environment. And when he simply pointed out that the U.S. Constitution allows him to use a Second Amendment solution against the commissioners, he got arrested, which pretty much proves that we do live under tyranny. READ MORE »