You need to start your Fourth Of July weekend with a happy story. WELL HERE YOU GO.

Remember when you could just toss a kid down a coal mine?
Fame and fortune except the fortune part.

Wonkette is comin' to the conventions, and we wanna stay at YOUR HOUSE!
At least now and then

Oh look, another mean federal judge has thrown out ANOTHER dumb state's dumb new law. Seems to be a common theme today!

Wonkette Business

Do you know the story of Judith and Holofernes? Judith was a rad Jewish woman, and Holofernes was a ... Roman? general who wanted to rape her. She was like "cool, Holofernes, I will...

How long has it been since you examined your box? Do you like to examine it in the morning, when the sunlight hits it just right? When you examine your box, tell us, is...
Truck Fump never looked so good

Do you, like all sentient beings on the planet, have a violently strong distaste for presidential candidate Donald J. Trump (nee Drumpf)? Of course you do! Do you, like so very many others, feel the...

Wonkette Bazaar

Loretta Lynch and Bill Clinton ran into each other at the airport. BURN HER!

A mean federal judge says Mississippi's entire gay-hatin' law is unconstitutional. Does the U.S. Constitution even APPLY to Mississippi?
The fiddle is made of votes.

The third in our ongoing series on all the 57 states Hillary will win in November!

Did you know San Bernardino and Orlando wouldn't have happened if Homeland Security wasn't so scared of saying Muslim words? IT'S TRUE!

The math teachers LOVE Trump.
You want to tell Shane Ortega he can't use the men's room? Wouldn't recommend that.

Is there anything left for the military to discriminate against, or is this the last one? We think it's the last one!

Is this the craziest thing Donald Trump has ever said? How do you even measure "craziest"?
Another five and a half months, Alan!

Yeah, but Trump likes guy who weren't tortured.

Tomi Lahren is sick and tired of being victimized by black people who won't pretend racism doesn't exist.

What do Crystal Pepsi and the Klan have in common?
A History Of Bad Ideas

A bunch of neo-Nazis is planning to roam the streets outside this summer's Republican National Convention, to "protect" Trump supporters. Can't see why anyone would have a problem with that.

Or should we ask how many they've NOT banged in?

Former employees at Trump's Mar-A-Lago say Trump was a Grade-A phone creeper. WHOA IF TRUE!
In 20 years, nobody will remember this.

Well OF COURSE the Donald Trump is sending campaign fundraising emails to members of foreign parliaments. Europe is a very classy place, and if you want classy illegal donations, you go to the classiest foreign people.
Would you buy a used car from this PAC?

Look, a post about Bernie Sanders and we are not even punching Bernie Sanders! HOORAY!
She's sassy!

Laura Ingraham can't wait to poop her pants. Don't you want to sit next to her?

The delicate flowers cannot handle the hypothetical judgment of a disembodied voice conducting a phone survey, he says.

We told Dom to ding Hillary's plan where necessary. He gave it a blowjob instead. INTERNS!

Wonkette examines exactly where the three-way handshake between Barack Obama, Justin Trudeau and Enrique Peña Nieto went terribly wrong.
This just might be photoshopped.

The U.S., Canada, and Mexico announced an ambitious plan to curb emissions of greenhouse gases, and we're wondering why no conspiracy theories have yet sprung up around it.