He may or may not get to have a word with the Framers about original intent.

Antonin Scalia, the senior Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, has died in Texas at the age of 79. Scalia was found dead Saturday morning at a ranch near Marfa, where he had been…

You really don't want to call her "Princess"

Good gawd, y'all, the Powerpuff Girls are making a return to Cartoon Network, and the first teaser clip has Buttercup beating up a Male Supremacist Pig. We are in love all over again. Also,…

A hearty hello to you! Welcome once again to the Snake Oil Bulletin! We hope you enjoyed your Holy Festival of Ballfoot this weekend, wherein our finest young virgins were cast into the boiling…

Also, you wouldn't believe the amount of batshit around here.

Good news from the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge Thursday, as the last four militia loons occupying the refuge surrendered to FBI agents without violence. Three of the four surrendered as planned when Nevada State…

Well hi there and good Saturday morning to you, Wonkers! Many newses happened this week, so it's good that you're here for us to catch up together! Haha just kidding, we are not together,…

Wonkette Business

Is that gorgeous unit a penis pump for YOUR UNIT? Why yes, it is!

Oh hi, Wonkers. We are aroused to tell you about some product offerings from one of our new friends, L.A. Pump. Yes, they are penis pumps and pussy pumps and clit pumps, and we…

You saved so much money last year by not donating to any of the assorted bigot pizzas, and bigot florists, and bigot bigots. It is time for you to spend that money on YOU,…

Friends, Wonkers, perverts, lend us your danglies and your girl-danglies, and also listen up, sons (and girl-sons)! We come before you today to tell you that in 2015 you gave Wonkette $79,071 straight from…

Elections Of US America Election: The Game

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The birds are chirping and the salmons are sexing (somewhere probably) and love is in the air! That's because Sunday is Valentine's Day, and OK yeah we get it, the holiday is total BS,…

It is exactly like that scene from the movie about corporate drudgery, see?

The Ted Cruz campaign dropped yet another of its efforts to coopt and taint all of American popular culture Friday, this time with an anti-Hillary Clinton ad ripping off a scene from Mike Judge's…

Can we fix it? No, it's fucked.

BREAKING NEWS, Jeb Bush opened his mouth and his dick came out and then he stepped on it:
“I was commander-in-chief of the National Guard. I visited Iraq and Afghanistan. The National Guard in Florida…

Ted Cruz's campaign accidentally went and hired a softcore porn performer for a recent ad touting his super-conservative values, even though the actress, Amy Lindsay, describes herself as a conservative Christian and a Republican….

It was supposed to be eight hours from our Pennsylvania rest stop to Nashua, New Hampshire. But 13 hours later, we were still driving, looping around looking for a freeway that wouldn't lop the…

In between desperately begging for money and plugging its report on the ancient art of Albanian Weevil Calligraphy, PBS took some time out of its busy debate schedule Thursday night to ask both candidates the question Democratic…

Oh, to have the utter confidence of Ben Carson. This is a confidence that surpasseth understanding. It is a confidence completely unrelated to any external indicators. In short, it is a confidence completely divorced…

Just gonna put this here one more time.

You might not think of Michigan as being in the running for finding the gays the ickiest, but it's right up there with somewhere like West Virginia or Oklahoma or Kentucky. Thinking about the gays…

Allo allo allo! New York City we are in you, and Manhattan can go fuck itself! Meet us and the Official Wonkette Baby (star of stage and screen) at Bohemian Beer Garden in Astoria,…

Bout ta 'SPLAIN each other.

Oh hey Wonkers, did you watch Thursday night's Big Exciting Democratic Debate? Well see ya wouldn't wanna be ya if you didn't! It was more of the same we've come to expect from those two…

Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort Heidi.

Ted Cruz has one of the creepiest faces of any human ever to anchor baby hisself into America. It's that special combination of how he doesn't know how to genuinely smile — he constantly sports the expression…

Guys! GUYS! ARE YOU SO ANGRY AT YOUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS WHO ONLY AGREE WITH YOU ON 95 PERCENT OF THE THINGS? ARE YOU READY TO TELL EVERYBODY THEY ARE CROOKS FOR LIKING THAT…

John Ellis J.E.B. Jeb Bush was squirted out of his mama's beautiful mind on this day, but in the last century, some 63 or so years ago, somewhere in the middle of a Texas…

Red Lobster's all "Will you be our girlfriend?"

Red Lobster is having a very giggity week right now, what with the shoutout it just got from Queen Beyoncé Who Slays, in her stunning new single "Formation," which she released as a surprise on Saturday, the…

Probably how it happens.

In 2015, The Supreme Court forced all Americans to do gay to each other's butts within the bonds of holy homosexual matrimony, and the transgenders started invading all the Good Christian Potties and peeping…

Answers is tough and is not my favorite.

Marco Rubio is not very good at running for president. His impressive third-place win (that was sarcasm, by the way) in Iowa gave him the momentum to sweep fifth place in New Hampshire (more…

It's like a beautiful rusty rainbow!

Almost every time we write about the multiple bureaucratic and political failures that led to the poisoning of Flint, Michigan's water supply with incredible amounts of lead, we pour ourselves a nice cold glass…

But what about his Facebook page? have we found anything there to prove he deserved to die?

Look, being shot to death by police doesn't get you off the hook when it comes to paying your medical bills. At least according to the City of Cleveland, which filed a notice with…

Good show guys.

Big news from the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon Wednesday night. While most of the armed militia squatters are already rotting in jail as political prisoners, the FBI decided it was sick of waiting…

The drugs are hidden SOMEWHERE, Tennessee Republicans just KNOWS it.

If you are a Republican lawmaker in these US-es of America, you are absolutely certain that somewhere, a bunch of people are lazying around on their fat asses using their free Obamaphones to order 'spensive lobster…