Have you been drinking again you miserable sot!?

Clinton Email Bombshell: John Boehner Probably Blackout Drunk Right Now

Can't you just taste his bitter, drunken, photoshopped tears?
Monday brought us another end-of-month dump of like 7000 Hillary Clinton emails from the State Department, and the most important things we learned are: she likes The Good Wife and Parks and Recreation, she wrote the goofiest diplomatic email heading/message in history, and everyone says Boehner’s a drunk. She is definitely one email away from prison, now. The most important revelation in the dump, of course, is about the gefilte fish. Prepare to be horrified: That’s almost ...
  Grifters gonna grift

Time To Vote In The Wonkette Primary! (A Primary For Libtards)

Wonkers, the time has come to make a stand: Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Old Handsome Joe Biden, or the other ones. (Who?) (If you love Martin O’Malley, guess you’ll have to earmark a Jackson. If you want to vote for Jim Webb, boy are you at the wrong site.) Now, some rules, because you are people who FUCKING LOVE RULES. Rule No. A: be civil in the comments, Terrible Ones. If you think Hillary Clinton is a bank-owned plutocrat who’s no better than Dubya, say it nicely. ...
  So dumb it hurts our feelings

Shocking New Polls Show Republicans Are Still Morons

Yes America is that dumb
After all these years, is our Republicans learning? Nope. We’ve seen the president’s birth certificate, we’ve read endless PolitiFacting, and even the team of private investigators Donald Trump sent to Hawaii four years ago has yet to make any earth-shattering announcements about finding the definitive proof that Obama was not born there. And yet: The new Des Moines Register/Bloomberg Politics Iowa Poll asked: “Do you believe Barack Obama was born in the United States or ...
  Blessed are the derp

Loser Kentucky Clerk’s 15 Minutes Of Martyrdom Just About Up

Nope, that is not what martyrs look like. Martyrs have swords or something, we think.
At the end of the day Monday, the Supreme Court signed execution papers issued a zero-sentence ruling, denying Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis’s emergency appeal to PLEASE, don’t make her do marriage licenses for gays. Justice Elena Kagan could have added “eat dirt, lady,” but it was implied. And so Tuesday morning was her last stand, really. Would her piddly-ass brain suddenly finish maturing enough to let her make the adult decision to do her fucking job, or would ...
  Not excellent news for John McCain

Wingnut Heroes To Arrest John McCain For Doing Bad Things

myfriends, my friends, my friends..FIVE AND A HLAF YEARS, ALAN!
A rightwing radio talker has announced what’s sure to be a turning point in the movement to restore constitutional something-or-other to the taking-back of America, and also the freedom and such as, for our once-great nation, hooray! Calling the planned fiasco “Operation Detain McCain” — mostly because the last two words rhyme — the alleged “grassroots movement” plans to send homeless veterans to occupy Sen. John McCain’s Phoenix office until ...

How Are The 2016 Democrats Not Embarrassing America This Week?

Aloha, class, time for another round of Oh Yeah, Democrats Are Running For President Too, Aren’t They? We know it’s hard to remember that because they are so boring, with their Serious Talk About Serious Issues, LAME. They don’t LITERALLY fling metaphorical feces at each other, or try to out-dick each other by figuring out which racial groups are A-OK to slur. (The answer is: none.) And not a single one of them has promised to send a big-ass wall to Mexico, POD. So ...
  When Life Gives you Lemons Burn Life's House Down

Why Are Hamptons Snobs Racist Against Kids With Lemonade Stands?

Police haven't identified the neighbor who complained. But we think we can guess.
In yet another example of Big Government stifling the small entrepreneur, we learn that some nosy neighbors in East Hampton, New York, complained to cops last that Jerry Seinfeld’s son and his pals were running an unlicensed lemonade stand. What’s truly surprising is that it took until the end of August for a Lemonade Stand Outrage story to make the news; that’s usually more a June or July story, although we see that in 2014, we also had a late-August Lemonade Outrage. ...
  You Oughta Know That Yr Wrong

Angry Feminist Angry Angry Feminist Isn’t Angry Feminist Enough

You know every word, do not lie.
Okay, we are going to say DISCLAIMER ALERT and TRIGGER WARNING, because we are about to write about how a thing written by a person who has ALWAYS been personally very nice to us is Wrong About A Thing.* We trust that she and we are both grown-up enough to have an intellectual discussion without it degenerating into FISTICUFFS. So, without further ado:   Dear Amanda Marcotte U R WRONG, You wrote the other day about how Taylor Swift, PBUH, was doing a concert in Los Angeles and, as ...
  tortured logic

Texas Republican Wishes Americans All Looked The Same, Like The Orientals

Yes, yes it is.
Here’s a new twist, a fun and exciting way for a Republican to lay blame for gun violence on something, ANYTHING, that isn’t spelled G-U-N-S. This time it’s Texas Rep. Pete Sessions, who is NOT, science fact, the same person as Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions. Maybe they’re sisters! Anyway, why do we have so much gun violence, Rep. Sessions? Oh, it’s diversity, you say? Huh, WTF? Sessions attempted to explain it to radio host Chris Salcedo: It has a lot to do with ...
  How would Jesus lose?

Rick Perry Thinks He’s Jesus, Hopes To Also Come Back From The Dead

Ladies and other people, check out how sad-emoji this is. Rick Perry, whose presidential campaign obituary we already wrote, and then we wrote again, apparently wants us to do it a third time, because he just really likes that number, we guess, though we can’t remember why. He’s all out of money, and he’s damn near out of campaign staffers too, and not just because Donald Trump is stealing them to Make America Great Again. Piss-poor poop-broke Rick Perry can only afford ...
  Because "reasons"

South Dakota Republicans Want To Sneak A Peek Inside Teen Athletes’ Pants

Once again proving the age-old axiom that sex-bigot Republicans are actually sex-obsessed perverts, South Dakota state Rep. Roger Hunt has a fun proposal to prevent the scourge of transgender high school students playing for the wrong team, if you know what we mean: A high school athletic group enacted a policy last year that allows students to decide for themselves which gender group they will compete with. But some lawmakers are unhappy with that concept. […] The proposal from Rep. ...
  Mad About A Thing

NRA Dude Hopes Virginia Shooting Victims’ Parents Won’t Be Total Pussies About This

He's weeping, and also telling the NRA to go fuck itself with a rusty dildo.
After last week’s horrific on-air murder of TV journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward, many people immediately braced themselves for exactly what disgusting thing the NRA would have to say. At first, there were mostly tumbleweeds, but as the NRA is perhaps the most evil institution in all of America, it was only a matter of time! Here’s a disgusting, soulless, stomach-churning response from the NRA’s Colion Noir, who Media Matters reports is part of the NRA’s new ...
  Another Prick With A Wall

Donald Trump’s Analogies Not Making America Great Again

We didn't say you have simply tons of ideas, Donnie. We said you had the ideas of a simpleton
Just in case you had any doubts that Donald Trump is the smartest, YOOGEST, most knowledgeable security expert running for president, we bring you this thought about border security from his Twitter feed, which belongs to him and is his: A few people in the replies tried to counter with the usual politically correct nitpicking, like noting that the White House is “a distinct, isolated target & doesn’t stretch for 3,000 miles, you moron,” to which several sharp people ...
  The Daddy Daughter Dance

Liz Cheney Knows Real U.S. American Patriots Love Old Dick

If you loved last year’s op-ed in the Wall Street Journal, by Dick Cheney and his evil spawn Liz, about why OBAMA SUX, you’ll be quite aroused in your privates to know that they have written a whole entire book about why OBAMA SUX. It is an expansion on their ongoing dialogue with each other that the Cheney administration was AWESOMEBALLS, and it is the fault of President B. Hussein Sucksalot that Gee Dubya Bush destabilized the entire Middle East by invading Iraq because of his ...
  Ohio Republicans Mad About A Thing

Tyrant Obama Stealing America’s Mountains Now, Giving Them Yucky Foreign Names

Wuss Mountain, more like.
Emperor Obama has issued another fatwa, and this time it is about how it’s no longer okay for North America’s highest peak, which is located right in the middle of Ohio in Alaska, to be named after President William McKinley, but rather, it should be given a funny foreign Alaskan name, “Denali.” This is obvious government overreach, as all mountains got their names directly from Jesus, when they were formed, and He wanted this one to be named after a U.S. president. ...
  That's Not What 'Suffer The Children' Means

Texas Finds Exciting New Way To Screw Disabled Kids And Olds

Jaxon Huffman has a seizure disorder. Couldn't they just tell him to stop that?
The Texas legislature, always on the lookout for ways to save the taxpayers’ hard-earned dollars and to crack down on lazy welfare cheats (and everyone receiving government assistance is a cheat, unless their last name is “Inc.”), came up with a terrific idea: cut $150 million in Medicaid reimbursements for therapy provided to children and seniors, starting at the end of September. That’ll encourage kids and olds to take some responsibility for themselves and go get ...