First, the CNN instant poll had Obama winning the debate 54-30%, with 59-37% saying they trust Barack Obama more to handle the economy. Game over. Unless Barry rapes someone!!

Ya see:

• Kathryn Jean Lopez of The Corner has a sharp reaction, which is that it probably wasn’t a good idea to open a third bottle of blush: “You Have Got to Be Kidding Me: John McCain just manically pointed out that McCain incorrectly said Petraeus is chairman of the joint chiefs. No one in his right mind thinks McCain doesn’t know who Petraeus is. Which is why Olbermann pointed it out.” WTF?
• TPM gives us what we always want from TPM — a funny clip of Walnuts. Here he is not shaking Obama’s hand; he just points Obama to Cindy. “Here, you want a hand to shake? Shake the cunt’s.”

  UPDATE: Andrew Sullivan checked his DVR of the debate (to be used for his masturbatory purposes later) and finds that there was, in fact, a handshake somewhere. Typical case of the “gotcha media journalists.” We’ll keep this clip up though because why the hell not.

• Andrew Sullivan, who debated in college, says this was a DEVASTATING MONSTER NUKE in favor of Obama: “This was, I think, a mauling: a devastating and possibly electorally fatal debate for McCain. Even on Russia, he sounded a little out of it. I’ve watched a lot of debates and participated in many. I love debate and was trained as a boy in the British system to be a debater. I debated dozens of times at Oxofrd. All I can say is that, simply on terms of substance, clarity, empathy, style and authority, this has not just been an Obama victory. It has been a wipe-out.It has been about as big a wipe-out as I can remember in a presidential debate. It reminds me of the 1992 Clinton-Perot-Bush debate. I don’t really see how the McCain campaign survives this.”
• Oh screw it, that’s enough. Most other people are just quoting the same two people too.

10:30 PM — Here, again, is this remarkable clip:

10:30 PM — The debate is over! Thank the American Jesus. Is the American Jesus an Evil Empire? “Maybe, heh heh heh.”
10:30 PM — The last question was obviously from Peggy Noonan. Brokaw described it as “zen,” and it was “What don’t you know.” So, now you do know Peggy’s column in this Friday’s Wall Street Journal.
10:31 PM — Your editor made dinner at 4:30 p.m., Pacific time, took his hike with the dog at 3:30 p.m., and now he is deep in the second bottle of wine, at 7:32 p.m. Pacific or 10:32 p.m. Eastern or whatever time it is, in Nashville. (”Pickin’ time!”)
10:33 PM — McCain doesn’t know what the unexpected will be, because nobody knows what a map is? Why is he talking about “comrades”? Why is he a Soviet?
10:34 PM — The Ohio voters love that part, until he talks about the tiller. Ergh. Brokaw yells at them for getting in the way of his teleprompter. We are finally done!
10:35 PM — Oh lord, Michelle looks so hot.
10:35 PM — Oh forgive me lord, Cindy looks pretty hot!
10:35 PM — But we will not get a porn wrestling match, only Wolf Blitzer saying that “Senator McCain obviously has some disdain for Senator Obama.” But Obama charmingly sweet talks Cindy (who is looking for a younger man) and then he and Walnuts just spin away from each other. Such hate!
10:38 PM — MSNBC, with Chris Matthews: “And John McCain, out of nowhere, attacks the moderator, Tom Brokaw.” This is that weird point when Brokaw asks both candidates whom they might choose for Treasury, and McCain snarls, “Heh heh, well not you, Tom.” WTF?
10:40 PM — Barack and Michelle are still out there shaking hands, smiling, talking to everyone. McCain and Cindy left!
10:40 PM — Matthews notes that McCain is not willing to jump in the shit-mud with Sarah Palin, so he is “somewhat embarrassed” about Palin reading all this weird racist crap at her rally appearances.
10:42 PM — Switching over to C-SPAN. Barack and Michelle are still there, talking to everyone, walking around, taking pictures with people, what is going on, where is McCain and Cindy?
10:43 PM — So weird. They bolted. And Barry and Michelle are really just individually working the small crowd. Why won’t the people talk about this on CNN and MSNBC?
10:43 PM — Please go to C-SPAN, see what’s going on.
10:43 PM — C-SPAN announcer: “You should know Sen. McCain and his wife Cindy have left.”
10:45 PM — Wow.
10:45 PM — Seriously, switch to C-SPAN. Barack and Michelle are STILL working the room like a private party, and McCain and Cindy are LONG GONE. What is up, did they just surrender, like in Michigan?
10:46 PM — What’s remarkable, here, is that Barry and his wife are doing a thing you’ve seen, if you’ve seen the Clintons work a room, back in the glory days of the 1990s. Totally involved with everyone, smiles, charm, concern, serious looks as they listen.
10:48 PM — What does this MEAN? Why won’t CNN and MSNBC show this video?
10:49 PM — They’re all doing group pictures now, with the Obamas. This has become an Obama private party of supporters.
10:50 PM — And now Barack is talking to a group of well-dressed white men and women, business people, country club types. They’re all nodding and looking serious.
10:53 PM — GO TO C-SPAN, WATCH THIS, IT IS REMARKABLE.
10:59 PM — Our friends at C-SPAN are going to get us some video to embed here, because this was interesting, and you did not see it on CNN, MSNBC, FOX, etc.
11:02 PM — Let’s go to CNN for a bit. What’s her name, the one we love, she just said it was “condescending” the way McCain told that smart young man (but he was black!) that the lower people probably never heard of Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac.
11:05 PM — Paul Begala finally gets around to the Wonkette point, that the Obamas hung out for a half-hour, a very Clintonesque performance.
11:06 PM — Yes, she is back, Campbell Brown, she announces that Obama won, 54% to 30%. McCain’s unfavorables are still 46%.
11:09 PM — Ha ha, “That one” is now the go-to-commercial clip on CNN. And check out the black guy, who asked the question that got McCain to insult him with how black guys wouldn’t know about Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. That guy is right there in the shot, behind Obama. And he visibly winces at the “that one” line.

This whole debate has been John McCain tremulously snickering and breathing awful thin breaths into his microphone while Barack Obama perches on his stool with a serene little smile on his face. What does this Obama know that we don’t? Why is this man smiling while the rest of America weeps? Oh hell.

10:01 PM — McCain: Barack Obama does not understand, my friends, my friend.
10:02 PM — Hopey: Yes, I do not understand how retards have been allowed to run this country for nearly a decade. Heroic and honorable troops, extraordinary debt of gratitude, &c.
10:04 PM — What are the McCain and Obama Doctrines? Sarah Palin will be asked this question in her next interview with Charlie Gibson.
10:06 PM — MY FRIENDS MY FRIENDS. Oh John McCain. Did he say “this terrible clam base, we say never again.” He wants a cool hand at the tiller, and that is why he will be voting for Barack Obama.
This McCain fellow is so unpopular that even when he says “Petraeus” he can’t goose up a little interest from the undecided voters of Ohio. We must not exacerbate our reputation, he says.
10:09 PM — Katie asks, Can we treat Pakistan like the new Cambodia? Obama says Sure why not. He also says “Pockystahn,” like an elitist. And “Tollybahn,” like a terrorist. Kill! Crush!
10:11 PM — Come Mr. Tollybahn, tolly me banana! We must use Petraeus’ strategy, the same strategy but different. The undecided voters of Ohio are really not terribly swayed by this. Tom Brokaw says, “I’m just the hired help here,” and Obama says, “You’re likable enough, Tom.”
10:13 PM — “Senator McCain suggests that I’m green behind the ears.” Huh? McCain interjects with some angry/nervous little remark. He is like the only guy at the party who doesn’t drink…making awful interrupting jokes while everybody else is just trying to enjoy themselves. The crack about bombing Iran was just a funny little quip with a war buddy, which maybe Obama doesn’t understand, because FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN.
10:18 PM — Honor and victory! Not in defeat! “We’re not going to have another cold war with Russia.” Because maybe we will have a hot war with Russia! Oh Jesus he comes out with that fucking KGB-in-the-eyes joke. Now all he has to do is talk about how the approval ratings of Congress are down to relatives and paid staffers or whatever.
10:21 PM — Senator Obama, you have 20 seconds to answer this question because John McCain wasted a bunch of air recycling jokes he has told 400 million times to sadly clumped gatherings of retirees in Bingo halls from Baton Rouge to Boca Raton. Obama says, “I wrote a memo!” He has spent a lot of time the past few years, writing many memos and letters, which were ignored.
10:23 PM — And and and! Energy, making mischief. Hmm, mischief and naked aggression. Sounds hot. Hotter than this snoozefest. Brokaw says, “Simple yes or no question,” and then asks the most provocative meatheaded warmongering question ever asked by a journalist.
10:25 PM — Question: How much do you love Israel? A lot, or a whole lot?
10:26 PM — The old stinking corpse line…the uncommitted voters of Ohio are not fans of the stinking corpse. MY FRIEND. He is now talking to some other guy sitting next to Terry Shirey like he thinks he’s Terry Shirey. All baldies look alike.
10:27 PM — Barack Obama also says THANK YOU THANK YOU for your service and all that. “I have consistently said that…” Apparently this is one of Obama’s “tells.” It means the opposite, you see, which is to say, Obama once suggested it would be fantastic if Iran got a nuclear weapon, and he would personally fellate Ahmadinejad in the public square.
10:30 PM — Ooh Noonan-esque question! “What don’t you know and how will you learn it?” Obama says, “scrimpin’” and then goes into his stump speech. (Secret answer: Obama can listen to a Mozart symphony once and then immediately transcribe the entire thing, without flaw. Which is to say, He does not know all Mozart symphonies yet.)
10:32 PM — My friends, I do not know the future, and I will learn it by continuing to live for the next 30 days or so. (Secret answer: John McCain’s last and most dramatic campaign gesture will be to stroke out, onstage, in the third debate.)
10:33 PM — “I know what it’s like, I know what it’s like.” This is supposed to sound like the voice of seasoned experience, but it just sounds like a carping supercilious old fool telling everybody how he knows more than them. And that’s all folks thanks for playing!!!
10:42 PM — Here, go look at Ken writing some more stuff.

9:30 — John McCain wants to cut wasteful defense spending so as to keep important defense spending, such as the War on Greece. Oops, that was supposed to be a surprise!
9:31 — Barack Obama wants to make everyone sacrifice like they did after 9/11, but not, as George W. Bush asked, to make everyone go out and shop. How is shopping not a sacrifice? We could be, you know, staying inside and eating pork rinds instead.
9:32 — He says everyone personally should think about how he or she can save energy. The CNN Ohio voters LIKE THIS? Jimmy Carter said the same thing to people 30 years ago and people just thought he was some kind of mean peanut-molesting fag.
9:34 — Barack Obama says we need to Cut The National Debt, and that means more than earmarks. In other words, he will get Hank Paulson to buy up your shotguns to sell them at profit to his terrorist friends in A.C.O.R.N.
9:35 — Obama disagrees with McCain’s proposal to cut all government spending in the middle of a depression. “What’re we buying anyway with all that money, poop or something?”
9:36 — Ha ha, McCain unleashes one of his NASTIEST ATTACKS EVER, by saying that he wants to nail Barack Obama’s Jell-o to the wall — not easy! Like most of his other attacks tonight, the Ohio Focus Group immediately flatlines. Tell Better Jokes.
9:37 — Barack Obama wants to respond, leading to the fortieth lecture from Brokaw about how they LIED TO HIM when they said they wanted these rules. “Fuck you fucks, I knew LBJ” Brokaw says.
9:38 — [Brokaw cries about dumb ineffectual rules for another minute]
9:39 — Entitlement reform, again. Barack Obama will cut taxes for 95% of America! (HE WANTS THE POORS TO THINK HE LIKES THEM.)
9:40 — McCain stands up in the middle of Obama’s turn, grinning! What happened was, “Teresa” gave him a big boner and he had to sit down and think about ugly things (his crippled first wife, Carol, is his special de-bonerizing thought), so he was really happy when he got to stand again.
9:41 — McCain: “Tom, I’ll answer your damn question, HENNGHH HEHH HENNGHHHH.” Tom hides because McCain’s breath emanates very far and smells like cat piss.
9:42 — Another black gal has a question for McCain, about the Environment. McCain will clean it while SIMULTANEOUSLY grunting about earmarks, alone, on his private ranch.
9:45 — Barack Obama wants to fix energy and the environment because of the Terrorists, who buy our air debt from China and Japan. He will have nuclear power, too! He agrees with John McCain about something, who knows, he just loves saying that he agrees with John McCain about stuff.
9:46 — Someone finishes answering a question, meaning Tom Brokaw has to yell at them both again. How do you teach those who don’t want to learn? Answer: catty sarcasm. Brokaw basically asks them if they’ve heard of clocks, which can be very useful — they tell the “time” — and especially useful during, say, TOM BROKAW’S LAST DEBATE BEFORE HE DIES. John McCain says “no”, he doesn’t know about these new Apple time gadgets or whatever, and thens asks Tom to act like a crazy retard with hands flailing to tell him the time instead.
9:48 — HEY-O, McCain points at Obama and says “THAT ONE,” as in “THAT ONE [supported it]” or “THAT ONE [is on all of your welfare!]”
9:51 — Time to discuss health care. Should it be treated as a commodity? Yes! Capitalism! Obama says “Nah nah, I’ll get you health care” and then Ellen the lesbian comes out and they dance and he starts shooting 3’s from way downtown into Brokaw’s trashcan along with his vomit.
9:53 — John McCain: Obama will give you Mandates, for your children, and then all of America’s haberdashers will be low on inventory. McCain says he’ll give a $5,000 tax credit to eliminate the employer-based system so people can have more choice. Then everyone can buy individual health insurance, the most expensive and exclusive market for needy consumers for anything on the planet. Oh god and then he brings up that “gold plated plans” crap — you know, the ones that some people need but which cost $20,000 on the open market! IT’S YR CHOICE BABY.
9:56 — Obama: “Nah nah, no McCain stuff.” Explains how he disagrees about literally everything, John McCain said, EVERYTHING. Health care should be a right! Blah blah you can cross state lines to get health care, my cheap care. Tom shuts him up after a while.
9:58 — McCain randomly stands up and laughs about Obama not answering some dumb question he wanted to hear. It was, “How old are you, you jackhole?”
9:59 — Oh, it’s foreign policy time. McCain’s “home turf.” Let’s let silly Sara liveblog this one, thankee. GO HERE.

9:00 PM — Good morning, Asian stock markets! The NIKKEI index is already down 340 points. Australian markets are down about 4%. Hong Kong’s down 879 points.
9:00 PM — Hey here is a fun thing we hope to use tonight: C-SPAN debate hub! Make your own clips of embarrassing McCain moments, or when Sarah Palin rushes onstage with a noose.
9:00 PM — OMG this is such a clean, well-lighted town hall. Who knew we had such nice things, in the Depression?
9:01 PM — Rules: No rambling, no reading Sarah Palin’s old index cards.
9:01 PM — Oh hi, Tom Brokaw! You are looking sharp for a long-retired news anchor from “the past.”
9:01 PM — Brokaw picked the questions! He is in the tank for McCain because he wrote that book about “The Greatest Depression,” when McCain was a wealthy ne’er-do-well young bachelor.
9:02 PM — McCain waddles out, looking grim and terrible. You know how your Obama looks.
9:03 PM — “The world has changed a great deal, and not for the better.” That is Brokaw, dooming us.
9:03 PM — They flipped a coin! These rich elitists still have coins!
9:04 PM — And Steve Schmidt asks the first question.
9:04 PM — Solid start for Barry. McCain is stooped over his little child’s desk, grimacing. This is what Bob Dole did! (”Bob Dole doesn’t like that.”)
9:05 PM — McCain got out of his chair!
9:05 PM — Barack is sounding good, talking right at the guy, but is he connecting?
9:06 PM — McCain starts off by insulting Obama, “Senator Obama, good to be with you at a town hall meeting.” He leers and winks. Oh dear god.
9:06 PM — McCain immediately wanders away from the bald guy who asked the question. McCain says he would make the government buy all the bad mortgages in America. Wow, that is total socialism!
9:08 PM — “My friends,” three times in the first answer! Drink, drink, drink.
9:08 PM — Oh, and McCain answers, when Brokaw asks him about who would run this operation, as treasury secretary. McCain angrily barks, “Not you, Tom.” A bit of nervous laughter. Good god. Then he mentions Warren Buffet.
9:09 PM — Ha ha, McCain wants us all to make our living selling our possessions on eBay.
9:10 PM — Obama offhand mentions that Warren Buffet, you know, supports Obama. But we’ll deal with that later?
9:10 PM — This is what should carry over: Obama saying one problem is the decline in house prices, but the larger problem is that incomes are declining.
9:12 PM — Oh, did you hear that McCain “left my campaign, and suspended it” to fly to Washington and fuck up the bailout/rescue deal for a week, letting about $1.5 trillion in equity values vanish? Good work!
9:12 PM — Ha ha ha, now McCain is pretending he even knew there was an economy two years ago, and he was going to fix Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac! By, uh, having all their lobbyists run his campaign.
9:13 PM — Hilarious, how McCain tells the black guy who asks the question that he never heard of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac before. You know, blacks!
9:14 PM — “I’ve got to correct a little bit of Senator McCain’s history, not surprisingly.”
9:14 PM — Obama has actually been bitching about the subprime crisis when only YOUR EDITOR (and all the Housing Bubble blogs) knew this was about to fall apart.
9:15 PM — Ha ha, Obama kind of glances to his side and says, “And you know, McCain’s campaign manager is the lobbyist for Fannie and Freddie, but who even cares how he fucked everything up, let’s just move on.”
9:16 PM — The women are pushing the Obama Love Button! The men are positive, but still a little weird about loving a black man.
9:17 PM — McCain also is not going to promise the economy will get worse, first. But he will continue repeating his big idea he will repeat every answer: America will buy ALL THE MORTGAGES, in America! Is this even plausible, let alone possible? Ah but the fundamentals (workers) are innocent bystanders? What?
9:18 PM — Here is Sarah Palin’s mom, asking how she can trust either of the parties, when it is all the fault of Evil Washington Insiders?
9:19 PM — And Obama … uh, doesn’t start well. Okay, surplus, right, Clinton surplus. Bush debt, deficits, nobody’s completely innocent (except all working Americans who bought houses they can’t afford, according to McCain).
9:20 PM — Health care reform budget energy blah blah the Chinese, the Saudi Arabia, you need to answer the question, Barry.
9:21 PM — Lieberman! Climate Change! This is McCain’s answer. Jesus, can ONE of you do something here? And the Men and Women of Ohio agree that McCain is blabbering even more than Obama.
9:22 PM — Pork! Earmarks! It is a good thing McCain will not vote for earmarks, or stuff to educate children, like science stuff. Probably black children, too! (Chicago.)
9:24 PM — Brokaw says what is your priority, health, energy or entitlements? McCain: “What were those again?” Brokaw repeats them. McCain says, “I, uh, think we can work on all three of those.” Reagan! My Friends! I know how to do that! Lieberman!
9:25 PM — So, no answer.
9:25 PM — What is the $700 billion dollars he’s talking about? The bailout bill he voted for? It’s for TERRORISTS???
9:25 PM — Obama: Energy is at the top of the list. Fucks up foreign policy, makes you more poor.
9:27 PM — Barack: “Sen. McCain likes to talk about earmarks a lot …. But understand this, when Sen. McCain supports a $300 billion tax cut that he’s going to give to big corporations and big oil companies,” blah.
9:28 PM — Brokaw threatens both of them for talking so goddamned long.
9:28 PM — Somebody from the Depression somehow came back from John McCain’s childhood and got inside the Internet! Jesus this is so scary. Anyway, she has a question. Why is nobody ever asked to sacrifice anything, ever, in this fat fucking country of fat fucking losers?
9:29 PM — McCain will have a spending freeze! This is how Hoover ended the Great Depression!
9:30 PM — “We’re not rifle shots here, we’re Americans.” What is Walnuts talking about?
9:30 PM — Obama: 9/11! Oh right, we all were so bewildered and terrified that we wanted to come together, and do shit, for the country, but Bush told us to go shopping. “That wasn’t the kind of call to service that the American people were looking for.” This is true! Your editor was ready to join the CIA or whatever, but he was … oh, some damned thing. Too old? Too high? No money for shopping, though, plus your editor hates motherfucking shopping. Unless it’s for wine.
9:33 PM — New liveblog here, with your Jim Newell!

8:37 PM — Campbell Brown asks how both candidates can improve upon their performances from last week. Indeed, how can John McCain possibly do better?
8:39 PM — Hmm, where is this debate happening? Nashville? We should have put up a Dolly Parton photo or something. Or Keith Urban. So Campbell Brown is running these things now, huh? Her hair is so shiny. Donna Brazile: Both candidates need to tell voters how they plan to keep them out of homeless destitution and utter financial collapse this fall. Ha! No, they need to tell voters what “a low down dirty dog” that other dude is.
8:43 PM — Oh right, CNN is the network with those awful fucking squiggly lines that literally do nothing except jump when someone says “David Petraeus.”
8:45 PM — Well, this is boring. We just saw an ad for “clean coal,” though! It’s no “HEAD ON. APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD,” possibly the best ad invented since the Spong Monkeys ad by Quiznos. Hmm let us find a link there. Well here is the original Spong Monkeys masterpiece.
8:47 PM — Now! Over to MSNBC. Howard Fineman. Did you know that Howard Fineman was ubiquitous at the DNC and the RNC? Every Wonkette editor saw him thrice, and that’s not counting how his image kept popping up in urinals.
8:48 PM — Eek, Sarah Palin is “perfectly willing to touch” the “darkest levels of the American psyche.” That is Howard Fineman trying to say “race baiting” without saying “race baiting.”
8:50 PM — Olbermann wants to warn viewers that this Town Hall MIGHT not be quite as spontaneous as viewers would have hoped, thus: no impromptu falls into the Jello pit for some hot boy-on-boy hair pulling, which was probably unlikely anyhow, given their hair.
8:53 PM — T. Boone Pickens, fame whore.
8:54 PM — Silly Keith Olbermann thinks John McCain’s refusal to look at Barack Obama “might be called cowardice,” when in fact it is just rank angry scorn. Look at Olbermann and Matthews trying to commentate all sober-like, without snippy hand gestures. Oh and now Keith asks about McCain being “grumpy,” and Matthews looks bored.
8:57 PM — Clearly the strategy for Democrats — and the secret Hope of millions of Americans tonight — is that McCain will just be goaded tonight into completely crapping himself with disgust, onstage, proving once and for all that he is unfit to lead.
8:59 PM — This idea that the candidates will be more likely to directly answer questions from Real Voters instead of giving the canned, evasive answers they’re always blurping up for liberal media types is just laughable.
9:00 PM — Oh huzzah our pizza is here and the debate is starting, the stars have aligned! Out come the candydates and John McCain immediately starts scribbling something on a notepad while McCain reclines with dignity. Read on here.