Wonkette

Sarah Palin ‘Not Taking The Quitter’s Way Out’

Jim Newell — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 20:39:26 +0000

Some of us have been on vacation since Wednesday, at the delightful Beach, but how could we miss Sarah Palin’s latest cosmic sack o’ lies and demons and terror? Watch her “I’m going to resign because governing a state is hard when you have absolutely no interest in governing a state” speech, it is packed with funnies. We are sobbing. There are evil monsters screeching in the background. And Piper’s feet itch! [YouTube]

SARAH PALIN RESIGNS

Ken Layne — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 20:04:20 +0000

Come on, we are supposed to be celebrating AMERICA this July 4th Weekend, but of course with Sarah Palin, it’s all about Sarah Palin. So she has RUINED our Independence Day by announcing that she’s quitting the governor’s job (boring!) and handing over power to the lieutenant governor, and this apparently means she’s running for the GOP nomination for PRESIDENT (we just elected one!) in 2012, the end? Probably not. [Fox News/CNN]

Is Our President TOO Diplomatic?: A Politico EXPOSE

Juli Weiner — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 18:06:18 +0000

Cryptofascist warblog The Politico has won the long weekend (and, by retroactive default, the Revolutionary War) with their crucial SCOOP on Obama’s weird obsession with pronouncing proper nouns—names of places he’s visiting, names of people he’s speaking to, that sort of thing—in the way in which they are actually intended to be pronounced. Quoth Politico’s Carol “Robert” E. Lee: “In Obama’s view, pronouncing someone’s name or hometown correctly is a simple way of showing respect.” This is called Obamanomics, and it’s foreclosing America’s jobs.

This is because Barack Obama’s name (”Barack Obama”) has also been mispronounced on occasion! ACTUAL LEDE of this patriotic linguistic exegesis:

“Bill Clinton. George Bush. Jimmy Carter. They’re all pretty easy to pronounce.

But Barack Obama is not so simple.”

Phonetically, it is “Blagojevich.” But the Queen’s English was not invented by Jesus for use towards such recalcitrant vowelage!

We’re going to get into some heavy psychological shit for a minute, but we totally get it, you know? Obama’s wonky obsession with “correctness” and “facts” is mayhap tied to America’s habitual inability to properly intone the 6 letters—of which all 6 are vowels—of the Hawaiian alphabet. But that still begs the question: Why is Liz Becton blogging for Politico under the pseudonym “Robert E. Lee”?

[It's Pronounced "Drudge Bait"]

America’s Car Wizard Drives A Japanese Car

Sara K. Smith — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 15:04:49 +0000

OH SCANDAL this youngling Brian Deese, a 14-year-old hired by the president to reform the auto industry — the American auto industry, that is — does not even drive an American car. Instead he drives a two-door Honda Civic hatchback with a shitty paint job, referred to informally as the “Pussy Wagon.” On this day before the most patriotic day of the year, it is fair to ask the question: does Deese understand how completely insane Japanese people are? [The Sleuth]

Cow Porn Judge Officially Admonished

Sara K. Smith — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 13:45:49 +0000

Ha ha ha we randomly clicked on this LA Times headline thinking, “Alex Kozinski, isn’t she that rich NYT gal with the plastic surgery and the surrogates?” But no, duh, the name should ring a bell because Alex Kozinski is the infamous cow porn judge who shocked America last June with revelations that he kept pubic-hair shaving instructionals and other naughty photos, such as naked ladies painted like cows, on some (whoops!) publicly accessible Web page.

Well, a panel of federal judges finally got around to admonishing him, a year later, for being such an El Grosso. He still gets to keep his job as the Chief Judge of the 9th Circuit and everything, though.

Poor Judge Kozinski! Let this be a lesson to you: If you connect your private home server to the Internet, do not keep your very mildly titillating photo collection in a folder marked “/stuff,” which is accessible to anyone who knows to type in that extension. Otherwise you will be humiliated, and some gal named “Sonia Sotomayor” will get that Supreme Court nomination you’ve been waiting for.

Alex Kozinski admonished for raunchy Internet files [Los Angeles Times]

Happy Pre-Independence Day!

Sara K. Smith — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 12:46:41 +0000

Profound economy-related insight: continued widespread unemployment is bad because “people without jobs tend not to spend much money.” [Washington Post]
Iran plans to try some local British embassy staff for fomenting unrest. Thank goodness the US doesn’t have any embassies in Iran! [New York Times]
The thug who replaced the other thug in Honduras said he’d be willing to hold elections soon, so as to appear less thuggish. [Los Angeles Times]
Senators are hard at work trying to figure out how to make future health care reform most closely resemble our current situation, so as to “control costs.” [Wall Street Journal]
A rare copy of the Declaration of Independence turned up in the British National Archives, answering definitively the question of whether the British had ever “gotten the memo.” [AP]
Sorry your bazillion-dollar new iPhone 3GS turns into a slab of molten lava when you try to use Wi-Fi during phone calls! CNET]

A Children’s Treasury of Patriotic July 4 Videos

Ken Layne — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 21:35:58 +0000

Sam the American Eagle was, of course, both the first blogger and the first warblogger, a creature so deeply patriotic that he figured out how to make his youtubes only appear on the American Wide Web. Yes, it’s almost the three-day Holiday Weekend, so let’s enjoy some cheap video clips to make us want to move to Canada all over again.

The greatest Fourth of July in American History was the last one, in 2008, when Jesse Helms finally died. But, we later learned, even that was a lie, as he probably died on July 3 (Gay Satan Day) but his handlers decided to say July 4, for the Symbolism (of a fat white racist dropping dead, finally, on July 4).

In other words, get a load of this:

Yeah, that used to be Bruce Springsteen.

We can’t find the X version of Dave Alvin’s “Fourth of July,” so turn this UP.

Oh boy and here’s the big Ron Paul 4th of July parade!