Wonkette: The D.C. Gossip

Did Obama Pick … Lincoln Chaffee?

Ken Layne — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 21:56:41 +0000

Wonkette operative “Basart” just sent iron-clad evidence supporting his completely made-up theory that Lincoln “Rhode Island Red” Chaffee will be Barack’s challenging independent vice president — our new LBJ! The list is sure to surprise/confound you.

1. Independent
2. “Strengthen the economy.” He used to be a blacksmith. When all the oil is gone, and we return to horse-drawn carriages, he will take over the blacksmith/iron industries and the government will reap the rewards.
3. Chaffee is from Rhode Island. So is Sara Smith.
4. “Lincoln,” duh. He’s on the penny! Which is money! IT’S THE ECONOMY, STUPID.
5. Plus he’s a total Democrat.

EARLIER: Lincoln Chaffee Might Vote For Obama!

McCain Campaign Says Obama Would Hit A Lady

Jim Newell — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 21:40:28 +0000

The McCain people are pretty hopped up on steroids today and are issuing some tuff talk after this morning’s delightful housing kerfuffle. They’re putting the finishing touches on an ad about Obama’s “slum landlord” friend Tony Rezko, a topic they claim to have avoided before today, when Obama supposedly “opened the door” to this sort of nasty attack. To most people this logic would be a non sequitur — but most people do not understand logic quite like the McCain Rapid Response Team!

According to a McCain official, McCain’s previous attacks about Obama “[reflect] an existential reality,” whereas Obama’s attack this morning was a PERSONAL AFFRONT TO CINDY: “She owns the homes. I thought he said the wives were off-limits.” See? Whenever McCain civilly offers voters his intellectually nuanced take on Obama’s existential placement in a world-historical hierarchy per se, dirty old Barry responds by lungin’ for two handfuls of sweet, supple Cougar goodness.

[Marc Ambinder]

Cindy McCain’s Mother Teresa Story Is Crap, Too

Ken Layne — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 20:43:57 +0000

Thieving drug-addict beer heiress Cindy McCain can’t even keep her Third World Orphan Hunting stories straight! Both Cindy and the McCain campaign have repeatedly put out this story about Cindy traveling the world to laugh at poor people but then Mother Teresa said “Adopt these orphans you must,” and then Cindy adopted a couple of orphans, forgetting one on the plane and raising the other as Meghan’s unwanted little sister. But this, too, is a lie, as Cindy McCain has never met Mother Teresa. [Crooks and Liars/AMERICAblog]

Obama Appears To Have Selected Some Mysterious Centrist

Jim Newell — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 20:35:17 +0000

As we wait for the wicked nasty response ad about Rezko and Ayers that the McCain team is surely splicing together right now, let’s “read” some tea leaves: “CHICAGO - Barack Obama says he’s decided on a running mate, but he won’t say who. The Democratic presidential candidate told USA Today on Thursday that he went with someone who is independent and would challenge him in the White House. He also said he wanted someone who is prepared to be president and would help him strengthen the economy.” He’s so weird. Why would anyone want a vice president that would “challenge” him? Sounds like a pain in the rear. But that aside, this obviously changes everything we ever knew about the veepstakes and really everything else too.

Barack Obama will absolutely pick one of these people, given what he said today:

Michael Bloomberg: Because when Obama said “independent,” he must have surely 100% meant “registered as an independent.” And Michael Bloomberg is just that! And he’s also a billionaire businessman, meaning (a) he knows how to “strengthen the economy” — by getting “Bloomberg Asia” in more American cable packages and (b) HE CAN PAY FOR THE REST OF THE CAMPAIGN. And he’ll “challenge” Obama by telling him to bomb every country that surrounds Israel.
Chuck Hagel: Not registered as an independent but is considered an independent because, uh, he broke with the Republican party over one issue in his entire life. But he probably knows nothing about the economy. He was in wars though, just like Walnuts.
Hillary Clinton: Will “challenge” Obama by shooting him in the fucking skull.
Joe Lieberman: Imagine, it’s Saturday, Obama’s introducing his new vice president. And then from behind the mysterious velvet curtain it’s, HOLY SHIT, IT’S JOE LIEBERMAN. Joe then tells us that he’s been a double agent these last few years, pretending to “make good” with the neocons and Republicans to learn their secrets. Putting his life at risk. But now he’s back and he’s got a gameplan. The crowd goes nuts. Seriously. They’ve done this in movies and shit and it’s always great.
Those are the only people who can possibly be vice president now. Other dark horses include Evan Bayh, Joe Biden, Tim Kaine, Kathleen Sebelius, Intern Juli, Dick Cheney, and Walter Mondale.

Obama says he’s decided on a running mate [AP/Yahoo]

Meghan McCain’s YouTube Videos Are Boring

Jim Newell — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 19:46:14 +0000

Oh rats, we discovered unemployed blogger Meghan McCain’s YouTube channel and were all set to post “A Children’s Treasury of Comical Meghan McCain YouTube Videos,” but they are all SO BORING. Half of them are about visiting deformed people in third-world countries. Who cares about those people! (At least they have excuses for being unemployed, btw.) Here’s the only decent one, and it’s five months old. It documents the famous Sedona barbecue the McCains held for their journalist friends back in March.

Probably the best image in this video is that of the hammered journalist goin’ nuts on the tire swing, but not so nuts that she’d spill any precious champagne from her glass.

Otherwise:

Meghan: “It was just really funny to see sort of like the juxtaposition of the D.C. reporters at my cabin in Sedona.”
Meghan: “Having the press corps meet longtime friends like Fred… who also helps cook whenever we have big events at our cabin or our house but he’s like a therapist to me sometimes as well.”
Cindy, drunk and slurring: “This is muuuuch better than Washington D.C., isn’t it. I think.”
HA HA, Meghan says “the guys from the Politico” brought Cindy flowers. Those Politico boys, such Casanovas! It was probably Jonathan Martin, who, according to Meghan, was also helping John McCain grill his ribs. Is Jonathan Martin having a sex affair with Cindy McCain? Because that would be soooo… journalistically unethical. Really unprofessional.
Meghan: “I think if there is one common denominator of all women it’s that they love road trips.”
After the barbecue they stopped at Taco Bell. Or maybe it was before the barbecue. The first scenario is funnier though, because there was just like so much food at that barbecue ya know.

Sedona Surprises [YouTube]

McCain’s Houses Are Mostly Condos, Which Don’t Count

Jim Newell — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 18:53:17 +0000

The DNC has sent us this lovely map of John McCain’s houses and airplanes and gnome slaves. Since they’ve made it terribly unreadable, you may view it full size in right here. But to the point: this is devastating you see! Because most of his properties are “condominiums,” a fancy rich word that the well-to-do use when referring to what common folks call “apartments.” And can you even believe this Fun Fact that one of McCain’s “condos” — that is rich slang for “condominiums” — has a concierge, a French word meaning, “house slave who shows rich people the least congested route to the airport during rush hour.”

Jim Newell — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 18:19:48 +0000

DID JOHN EDWARDS HAVE MORE SEX WITH LADIES?: Intrepid blog reporter Choire Sicha hears that a New York Times Metro reporter is digging into “a story about John Edwards and a Duke graduate.” We are Ethical and don’t want to spread scurrilous rumors, but maybe John Edwards has been fucking a Duke graduate? Maybe John Edwards has been fucking seven Duke graduates and had like 20 babies with each of them, who knows, there must be more information out there. [Radar]