Category Archives: Wonkette

  Fat Blasting Brain Loss Miracle

The Snake Oil Bulletin Sifts Through The Pseudoscientific Dingleberries Of Dr. Mehmet Oz

Too old for this shit.
Welcome back, pilgrims! It’s good to see you’ve returned to your old friend the Snake Oil Bulletin, the weekly compendium of the latest horsepuckey to plop itself right here on our beloved interwebs. Now normally we focus on a smattering of stories to whet your woo woo whistle, but this week we’ve decided that special devotion should be reserved for a brave, beleaguered hero, that duke of duplicitous drivel, Dr. Mehmet Oz, MD (Malarkey Dipshit). Dr. Oz has had quite the adventure over the past year, but as you’ll soon see, it takes a lot to keep a poppycock peddler down. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin Sifts Through The Pseudoscientific Dingleberries Of Dr. Mehmet Oz…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Murder The ATF And Its Jackbooted Thugs

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Emboldened by last week’s victory for the rights of gun-humpers to be able to ALSO be able to hump bullets, Field Marshall Sarah Palin presses forward. She has offered the Kenyan tyrant Obama clear and simple terms: abolish the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF), and we will spare you our screeching. And, instead of listening to her, the Kenyan tyrant sits alone in his empty palace, a place that collaborators and the weak-willed still call the White House, and he does NOTHING. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Murder The ATF And Its Jackbooted Thugs…
  Also Something About Ponies Because It's Saturday

Ted Cruz Loves ‘The Simpsons.’ It’s Not Mutual.

None of these people would vote or Cruz. (Vader's endorsed Santorum)
So it seems that Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Moose Jaw) fancies himself something of a Simpsons fan, as he told The Federalist’s Ben Domenech in a recent podcast. He even did lines from his two favorite episodes, proving that he can relate not only to country music aficionados, but to rabid animation fans, also too! Read more on Ted Cruz Loves ‘The Simpsons.’ It’s Not Mutual….
  Hey at least the poors are still allowed to buy guns

Who’s Winning The ‘F*ck The Poors’ Trophy This Week? It is Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback!

What, was I supposed to pretend to care about those fuckin' mooches?
Welfare queens of Kansas, we are very sorry, for your worst nightmares have come true. Your governor, Sam Brownback, has signed HB 2256, which, as we reported earlier in April, makes all the changes to welfare everybody wants, but is too shy to ask for. Yes, Kansas, you shan’t have to worry ever again about those on public assistance spending all of their $429 a month on glamorous Caribbean vacations, on your dime, or on getting their palms read at Psychic Isabella’s in Kansas City. (Which exists.) You won’t have to worry about them outdoing you in the sexxxy lingerie department either! You can rest assured that they will, by law, only be wearing the same granny panties you are currently wearing. Read more on Who’s Winning The ‘F*ck The Poors’ Trophy This Week? It is Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback!…
  waaaaaaah

Republicans: Oh, You Lost Your Obamacare, Well Boo Hoo Hoo

Republicans are SO excited at the possibility of the Supreme Court murdering Obamacare, finally, but it won’t all be unicorns and rainbows and the free market allowing you the freedom to die from lack of access to healthcare. There will also be, sigh and eyeroll,  the unfortunate but inevitable attempt by the Obama administration to, like, fix that. This is what keeps Republican Sen. Ron Johnson up at night, apparently: Read more on Republicans: Oh, You Lost Your Obamacare, Well Boo Hoo Hoo…
  The Green Dream Mountain State

Vermont Heroes Taking Your Booze Hostage For Legal Weed

We trade weed for beer! It's like Settlers of Cattan, but more fun!
Some Vermont legislators have a pretty compelling argument: If the state won’t legalize marijuana, then how about we prohibit all recreational drugs? State Reps. Jean O’Sullivan, a Democrat, and Christopher Pearson, a Progressive (really!), have filed a bill to prohibit alcohol consumption, with penalties that match those currently in place for marijuana possession and sale. The bill’s language is quite serious about this: Read more on Vermont Heroes Taking Your Booze Hostage For Legal Weed…
  America: Where preventing child murder is controversial

Country Stars Tim McGraw, Billy Currington In False-Flag Gun-Grabbing Sandy Hook Slapfight!

Tim McGraw's gonna have to pry the guns out of his own songs!
Remember the Sandy Hook school massacre? The one where 20 first-graders were gunned down by a crazed shooter named Adam Lanza? Yes, that one. Tim McGraw announced this week that he would be headlining a concert in Hartford, Connecticut, to benefit Sandy Hook Promise, a America-hating, gun-grabbing nonprofit group that seeks to protect kids from getting murdered, with guns. Sounds innocuous enough, right? Not for America’s rabid gun-humpers! No, not even the Sandy Hook massacre was horrifying enough to get those fine patriots to reconsider their position on gun control. Those kids are just collateral damage we guess — assuming they existed! Also scheduled to perform were Billy Currington and Chase Bryant, but oh wait, after being relentlessly attacked by wingnuts, Billy Currington has decided to be a pussy and pull out. Let’s examine in further detail! Read more on Country Stars Tim McGraw, Billy Currington In False-Flag Gun-Grabbing Sandy Hook Slapfight!…
  Unfair!

Michelle Malkin Outraged: Twitter Jailing Conservatives Like They Are Japanese-Americans

Our thoughts exactly
BREAKING EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT TWITCHY! The liberal-biased interwebs are putting conservatives in Twitter jail, maybe (or maybe not) but probably (but probably not), just for being conservatives, OH NOES! Michelle Malkin, conservative keyboard-banging hero and founder of the the site with NINE PAID STAFFERS (or, ugh, maybe even more by now) who collect random tweets, mostly by Pat Sajak, and call it “the news wire of the 21st century,” is on to you, Twitter! Read more on Michelle Malkin Outraged: Twitter Jailing Conservatives Like They Are Japanese-Americans…
  The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight

‘Oath Keepers’ Will Help You Do Armed Standoff With Feds, Whether You Want It Or Not

Exactly the same thing! Except for the nobody-gunned-down-by-redcoats part.
Oh goody, militia flakes and “Oath Keepers” are freaking out about the Bureau of Land Management doing tyranny all over an innocent landowner again, and they’re mobilizing Internet Commandos to load up the Suburban with guns and head to Oregon to defend a plucky Patriot from the Illegal Usurpations of an Out-of-Control Federal Government!! (All the exclamation points)! There aren’t any cows this time, but there’s a gold mine. Unfortunately, this time around, it looks like cooler heads may prevail, and where’s the fun (or long-overdue New American Revolution) in that? Read more on ‘Oath Keepers’ Will Help You Do Armed Standoff With Feds, Whether You Want It Or Not…
  Christ what an asshole

Florida Turns Down Obamacare Money, Now Suing For More Obamacare Money

Christ, what an asshole
Florida Gov. Rick Scott (R-Heartless Bastard) was against Medicaid expansion before he was for it, but now he’s back to being against it. Really against it. Of course he still wants federal dollars for his state’s own version of providing health care to low-income patients, but he’ll be goddamned if he’s going to let Obama tyrannize him into taking icky Obamacare dollars. And that is why he will SEE YOU IN COURT, Obama administration: Read more on Florida Turns Down Obamacare Money, Now Suing For More Obamacare Money…
  This IS TOO an important story shut up

Did You Misplace Your Dildo During The 18th Century? If So, Good News!

Much more fun than dumb old dinosaur bones.
They found it! You’re not getting it back, though, so don’t rush out for a bottle of lube yet. Yes, archaeologists have discovered a very well-preserved 250-year-old dildo in an old latrine in Gdańsk, Poland. It is very … well, it’s very unique! We always wondered what people in the 1700s sticked up their sex holes (no we didn’t), but now we know! According to Discovery News, that clam pounder right there is big and girthy and it’s “made of leather filled with bristles, and has a wooden tip.” That sounds … kind of painful? But hey, it was the 1700s, you ram your junk with the technology you have, not the technology you wish you had. Read more on Did You Misplace Your Dildo During The 18th Century? If So, Good News!…
  Do We Really Need All This Knowledge?

House Science Committee Solves Climate Change By Just Not Studying It

Who wouldn't like a nice warm planet?
Good news, America! The House Science Committee is going to help solve global warming and other problems by cutting the funding to study them! If you don’t have a bunch of scientists getting rich off climate studies, there won’t be a lot of scary data to worry about, and America will be richer and happier. Strangely, they haven’t proposed curing cancer by this simple expedient…yet. Read more on House Science Committee Solves Climate Change By Just Not Studying It…
  Won't somebody think of the racists?

Deli Owner: No One Liked My White History Month Celebration, Please Send Bigot Bucks Now!

Hello, it is your Wonkette, and we are here to report to you that this whole “I’m a bigot, give me all the cash on GoFundMe” thing is no longer a random occurrence, nor is it a pattern, it’s a damned INDUSTRY. Meet your new grifter, Jim Boggess of Flemington, New Jersey! What act of bigotry and subsequent backlash has beset poor Jim? Oh, just that he put a sign in the window of his establishment, Jimbo’s Deli, asking people to celebrate their “white heritage” for the month of March. Apparently Boggess never got the memo that ALL THE MONTHS are White History Month, including the one where Americans perfunctorily make note of famous black Americans through history. Read more on Deli Owner: No One Liked My White History Month Celebration, Please Send Bigot Bucks Now!…
  also kicks puppies

Hillary Clinton Beats Up Crippled Children, Takes Their Candy And Parking Space

Arrows prove everything
What terrible thing did Hillary Clinton do now? Why, she parked her Scooby Van in a handicapped spot — and laughed about it! Look, there is even video! And in case you cannot believe it, the Very Offended Krystal Heath, associate producer for conservative “comedian” Steven Crowder, wrote a trillion words about it and how she is Personally Very Offended, also she has a photograph to point out the offensive parking job: Read more on Hillary Clinton Beats Up Crippled Children, Takes Their Candy And Parking Space…
  mommyblogging

Shut Up Paul Anka, Ben Shapiro’s Dad Has Written Greatest Pro-Life Anthem OF ALL TIME!

Move over, Paul Anka. There is a new pro-life anthem in town, and not a minute too soon because “You’re Having My Baby” came out over 40 years ago! Let’s remind ourselves of the glory and perfection that was the song about how Paul Anka is super glad his woman did not put a coathanger to the fruit of his jism: Read more on Shut Up Paul Anka, Ben Shapiro’s Dad Has Written Greatest Pro-Life Anthem OF ALL TIME!…
  Scenes From The Class Photo Struggle

Eighth-Grader’s Class Picture Photoshopped Because It Had F-Word On It (‘Feminist’)

Yes, in case you were wondering, “Feminist” is actually a dirty word — dirty enough to get retouched out of an 8th-grade class photo at Clermont Northeastern Middle School in Batavia, Ohio, at least. Thirteen-year-old Sophie — real first name, last name withheld — had worn her homemade “FEMINIST” t-shirt to school without any issues a few weeks back, according to a letter from her mom to the Women You Should Know blog. It was also class photo day. But when the class photos came back, Sophie’s shirt was cleverly retouched to a nice uniform black, with no trace of her handiwork: Read more on Eighth-Grader’s Class Picture Photoshopped Because It Had F-Word On It (‘Feminist’)…
  but did he summon Beetlejuice?

Florida Appointee Utters ‘Climate Change’ Three Times In Succession, Summons Devil Himself

Did somebody say my name???
Florida, soon to be known as the “Look, Mom, I’m In The Ocean!” state, due to the fact that the liberal conspiracy of “climate change” is fixin’ to sink it real good, has been in the news lately, over the fact that you may or may not be allowed to utter the words “climate change,” if you work for Florida’s Department Of Environmental Protection (DEP). It’s not a written policy, of course — it’s just more UNDERSTOOD that, if you want to remain in good standing with your Koch Brothers-owned state gubmint, you’d better be pretty careful about saying … THOSE WORDS. Democratic state senators have been enjoying bullying Gov. Rick Scott’s various minions, trying to set evil liberal traps that force them to say the bad words, which describe something that 97% of climate scientists agree is a real, true thing. Read more on Florida Appointee Utters ‘Climate Change’ Three Times In Succession, Summons Devil Himself…
  Tongue Baths Of The Rich And Famous

Donald Trump Is The Family Values Candidate All His Ex-Wives Have Been Waiting For

This classy writer obviously knows a classy guy when he sees one
Here is a thing we didn’t really expect to see in 2015: a mainstream press article (sorta mainstream, at least — CNBC.com isn’t exactly a niche website like “Marine Propulsion News,” whose newsletter we inexplicably got signed up for) with the completely unironic headline “How family values helped Donald Trump build his empire.” We saw that and wondered how exactly we could top its snarky winking tone. But no, this is a completely sincere paean to the values that made Donald Trump a great man, and “writer” Eric Schiffer is either a complete Trumpsucking boob or the best satirist since Paul Verhoeven (Starship Troopers was satire, right? Please?) We just can’t tell — it reads like Waylon Smithers writing a C. Montgomery Burns fanfic. Read more on Donald Trump Is The Family Values Candidate All His Ex-Wives Have Been Waiting For…
  Not gonna grease their gearboxes either

Michigan Mechanic Won’t Serve The Queers, Time To Crank Up The Old GoFundMe

He knows Jesus hates gays as much he does.
Because it is a day, here is a story about a bigot who needs you to know that he, as a white male (reportedly) heterosexual, is being oppressed, because gay people exist. Introduce yourselves to Brian Klawiter, owner of the Dieseltec auto repair shop in Grandville, Michigan, who took to the FaceSpace on Tuesday morning to say he’s sick of all these gays, and that if one of them has a diesel truck and comes in looking for a lube job, HE AIN’T GONNA GIVE IT! Let’s take a looksee at the various parts of his Very Well Constructed Word Thoughts, and see if we can learn something: Read more on Michigan Mechanic Won’t Serve The Queers, Time To Crank Up The Old GoFundMe…
  Cruel And Unusual Nourishment

Joe Arpaio, Pam Anderson, And PETA Walk Into A Prison Cafeteria…

I have a weakness for this stupid movie. It's a dystopian sci-fi remake of friggin' *Casablanca* for chrissake
Turns out Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and former Baywatch star Pamela Anderson have something in common besides a fondness for Barb Wire, pink underpants, and relentless attention-seeking: They both think a vegetarian diet is just peachy, especially if you can impose it on people who have absolutely no say in the matter, i.e., prisoners at the Maricopa County Jail. Read more on Joe Arpaio, Pam Anderson, And PETA Walk Into A Prison Cafeteria……