Category Archives: Wonkette

  Thanks workers

Let’s All Get Drunk For Three Days, For ‘Unions’ Or Whatever

It’s booze o’clock somewhere Hoo boy howdy yee haw, what a week, right? RIGHT?! We persecuted some Christians and threw them in jail — well, just the one, for now, but BEWARE CHRISTIANS, WE ARE COMING FOR ALL OF YOU. And we laughed and laughed, oh how we laughed, at Donald Trump spanking Jeb right on his behind again even harder some more, for being a Bush and also a “low-energy” loser weak sissy crybaby Spanisher who talks Mexican instead of American, what a hater. And we pitied poor Rick Perry, for comparing himself to Jesus, and for being so SO SOOOO dumb, and for, uh, we forget the third thing. (Shut up, that is still funny, it will be funny forever.) Read more on Let’s All Get Drunk For Three Days, For ‘Unions’ Or Whatever…
  Yr Wonkette woke up like dis

Happy Birthday Beyoncé, Mike Huckabee Still Thinks You’re A Whore!

Happy Bey-Day, Mike Huckabee's archnemesis!
Happy Bey-Day, Mike Huckabee’s archnemesis! BREAKING NEWS, GUYS. On this day in (year redacted because TIMELESS, but also 1981), Beyoncé Knowles was bornded, and then she went on “Star Search,” and then she did Destiny’s Child, and then she broke off on her own and became a BOSS, and now she is the Queen of the Illuminati, THE END! Read more on Happy Birthday Beyoncé, Mike Huckabee Still Thinks You’re A Whore!…
  sad trombone

Satan Probably Won’t Let Kim Davis Raise Bigot Bucks On GoFundMe :(

Guess she'll just have to go get a wingnut book deal or something.
Guess she’ll just have to go get a wingnut book deal or something. A lot of people have been saying, OOH THAT KIM DAVIS, that asshole, that adulteress, that bleeding pus-filled skin tag on the lady-jumper-concealed inner thigh of humanity! That’s not what this post is about, people have just been saying those things a lot. Anyway, people have also been saying, “Yeah, just wait for the GoFundMe,” because that’s what whore-grifting put-upon fundamentalist Christians do when the rest of America does the Holocaust to them, by forcing them to play by the same rules as everyone else. Read more on Satan Probably Won’t Let Kim Davis Raise Bigot Bucks On GoFundMe :(…
  The Goalposts Of Life

Georgia High School Adds Baptisms To Football Practice, Benches Constitution

Drop Kick Me Jesus
Drop Kick Me Jesus Residents of Villa Rica, Georgia, are astonished that anyone could have a problem with a group baptism of football players on school grounds before a recent F’ball practice. Because they love America, and Jebus, and F’ball — which is why it made perfect sense to have the minister of First Baptist Church of Villa Rica kick off the season with some full-immersion baptizing on the football field, just like Jesus told us to do in the Constitution’s Fourth Commandment: “Thou shalt keep holy the Lord’s Day and watch F’Ball with the DirecTV Sunday Ticket.” The practice came to light when the church posted a video to the YouTubes explaining how in this Georgia town, the atheistic ACLU holds no sway: Read more on Georgia High School Adds Baptisms To Football Practice, Benches Constitution…
  Call The Brute Squad

Trump Bodyguard Slugs Hispanican Protester, Seals GOP Nomination For Boss

Boom! Take that, Mexico!
Donald Trump’s security detail put its best fists forward in a confrontation with Latino protesters outside the Trump Tower Thursday, ripping away a protest sign and coldcocking a protester who tried to grab it back. When you watch this video, you may think you see a couple of assholes in suits assaulting a protester, but the average Trump voter will see an encouraging example of Making America Great Again. Read more on Trump Bodyguard Slugs Hispanican Protester, Seals GOP Nomination For Boss…
  Bristol Goes To War Again

Bristol Palin Ringin’ Those Bells To Warn Us The Chinese Are Coming

Too late, we are already dead It would seem that in addition to being America’s foremost expert on how to get knocked up by God without even trying, Bristol Palin has learned herself some stuff and things also too about foreign policy. Not only is she the only one in America who’s bothering to worry about ISIS, but she is also quite very a lot alarmed about the Chinese Navy double-parked right off the coast of Alaska. (No word on whether Bristol’s ghostblogger can actually see the five naval ships from Bristol’s house, but it would be irresponsible not to make ALL THE JOKES KATIE about that.) Read more on Bristol Palin Ringin’ Those Bells To Warn Us The Chinese Are Coming…
  nice time!

It’s A Nice Day To Kentucky Marry Your Gay Homosexual Lover!

New county clerk much nicer than the last.
New county clerk much nicer than the last. Yr Wonkette loves stories with happy endings, and yr Wonkette loves getting married! You know that thing that Editrix Becca did, when she Montana-married her heterosexual lover? Well, due to how SOMEBODY is currently doing a little jail time for being a very bad girl, gays are Kentucky-marrying their homosexual lovers in Rowan County today! Is there pizza? PROBABLY. Read more on It’s A Nice Day To Kentucky Marry Your Gay Homosexual Lover!…
  Smartest Guys In the Room

Reality TV Show Star Thinks Neurosurgeon Isn’t Qualified To Run America

Hey, Hitler knew things, and see where that got us
Hey, Hitler knew things, and see where that got us Fish splooge runner-up Donald Trump continued his charm offensive this week. In addition to explaining that Jeb! Bush can never be president of America if he refuses to speako the English, Trump turned his attention to Ben Carson, who recently tied Trump for the first time in a poll of Iowa Republicans. In an interview with Tucker Carlson’s Internet Nexus For Worried White People, Trump said he thinks Carson is quite the nice fellow, but would probably not be a very good president because of his lack of relevant experience. Read more on Reality TV Show Star Thinks Neurosurgeon Isn’t Qualified To Run America…
  Better Cancel That Meeting With Spielberg

Sorry, Jeb Bush Is Not The Savior Of The Jews

On the up side, he never said 'Molotov'
On the plus side, he never said ‘Molotov’ Jeb! Bush got caught stretching the truth just a teensy bit on his campaign website, claiming that he helped to organize a secret mission that saved thousands of Ethiopian Jews in the early ’80s. It’s a heartwarming story of compassion and international diplomacy that rescued virtually all members of an oppressed minority group and brought them to safety in Israel. And it all really happened, except that Jeb Bush is fibbing about the size of the role he played. Doesn’t this guy know that there are fact-checkers out there? Read more on Sorry, Jeb Bush Is Not The Savior Of The Jews…
  Is That A Salmon In Your Pocket Or...?

President Obama Got Diddled By A Fish, Y’all

Some Presidents get shoes thrown at them. Some get salmon jizz thrown on their shoes
Some Presidents get shoes thrown at them. Some get salmon jizz thrown on their shoes Barack Obama visited the Alaskan fishing village of Dillingham Wednesday, where he sampled some salmon jerky, talked to the residents about climate change, and met an amorous salmon which jizzed all over his mukluks. The fish’s negligent discharge occurred while the president was getting a look at the villagers’ traditional fishing methods; after holding up one fine specimen that he pronounced “a nice-looking fish right there,” Obama was invited to grab a second fish, which had apparently been waiting for this moment since the 2008 primaries. With one mighty Piscean ejaculation, the salmon instantly supplanted the National Review’s “little starbursts” for Sarah Palin as the most excessive declaration of love for a politician. Read more on President Obama Got Diddled By A Fish, Y’all…
  THE PERSECUTION HAS BEGUNNETH!!!!

Kim Davis Is In Jail, And Wingnuts Are Jizz-Crapping Their Pull-Ups In RAGE!

Kim Davis, RIGHT NOW.
Kim Davis, RIGHT NOW. CRU-CI-FY! CRU-CI-FY! CRU-CI-FY! Oh, we are just joshing, nobody wants Kim Davis crucified. (OR DO WE?) Wingnuts, though? Remember that time they lost their whole country in the span of a week, because gay marriage was legalized and the Confederate flag came down? Well, they’ve lost it again! NO COUNTRY FOR STUPID WINGNUTS, that’s what we like to say. And they are good and damn sure that a judge putting Kentucky clerk Kim Davis in jail for failing to do HER EFFING JOB is just the beginning of the persecution and the Holocaust and getting ISIS-ed right in their fundamentalist Christian shame buttholes. Because this is the sad thing about wingnuts: They think we care about them enough to actively persecute them. Awwww. The sad truth is that decent Americans are more than happy to abide these dumbasses in our midst, for entertainment purposes mostly, as long as they follow the law. How simple is that? Read more on Kim Davis Is In Jail, And Wingnuts Are Jizz-Crapping Their Pull-Ups In RAGE!…
  Revisionist History In Record Time

Nikki Haley Wishes Black Folks Wouldn’t Be So Ugly About Getting Shot By Police

That smile is unnatural, is what it is.
That smile is unnatural, is what it is. South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley would just like America’s The Blacks to settle down and stop making such a big fuss over the occasional unfortunate shootings of black people by white cops, because if they protest such shootings, the cops will stop protecting them or something. In a speech at the National Press Club Wednesday, Haley slammed the Black Lives Matter movement and called for The Blacks to stop saying mean things about police, and instead, get along with white people like The Good Blacks did in South Carolina after a North Charleston cop shot Walter Scott in the back, and after the racist murders at Charleston’s Emanuel AME Church. Read more on Nikki Haley Wishes Black Folks Wouldn’t Be So Ugly About Getting Shot By Police…
  Thanks A Lot The Gays

Whiny Tennessee Judge Says No More Divorce Because Gays Ruined That Too

Now they've even destroyed the sanctity of divorce
Now they’ve even destroyed the sanctity of divorce GodDANGit, The Gays, why you gotta ruin everything? Now that you have the same legal rights as opposite-gays to get married, fight about whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher, and despise each others’ legal and officially state-sanctioned mothers-in-law, nothing is sacred. Not even divorce: Read more on Whiny Tennessee Judge Says No More Divorce Because Gays Ruined That Too…