Wonkette
Bryan Fischer: Teh Gheys Can’t Be Scouts Because Scout Oath Says No Weaklings
Sorry, Homosexual America, but Bryan Fischer is thinking about You People again. By golly, it’s almost as if Bryan Fischer can’t think of many things other than gay people. This time, the mouthpiece for the American Patriarchy Association is having kittens over the possibility that the Boy Scouts of America may vote to allow sodomites [...]
Teen Korner For Teenz: Please Don’t Shoot Us Edition
Guns! Can live without ‘em, and with ‘em, well, we can’t live! I tell ya! But however much Obama and the Kommunist Youth are trying to take your second amendment gun fondling rights, you will always be able to keep your semiautomatic lead sprinklers, no matter how much we sensible people might try to grab [...]
New Trendy Thing: Local Pols Smoking Crack Like It’s 1999
It took a while, sure, but the Marion Berry copycats are suddenly coming out in droves! (They are just really really slow copycats because of their drug-induced torpor.) That is, if two counts as “droves,” and we figure fuck it, because that’s easily enough examples for a New York Times trend piece. So here’s the [...]
Tea Party Has New Holy Cause: Converting Known ‘Atheist’ George Soros!
The Tea Party is the absolute worst party in American history. It’s just like every sequel — the first one is totally awesome and brings about the creation of a new country, and the second one is Hangover 2. The Tea Party Nouveau is just like that! There is a fucking monkey and a Thai [...]
Bradlee Dean: Gay Marriage Results In Plague Of Rocks, Rabies
Since you read Wonkette, you are probably a ghey or a ghey-lover, so you probably reacted with a range of emotions from “cool” to “ABOUT FUCKING TIME HELL YEAH” to the news that Minnesota’s gone gay all of a sudden. What you probably did not do is gnash your teeth and rend your garments about [...]
Raging Volcanoes, Mustard Gas In Clams, Atmospheric Carbon, And 50 More Ways To Die, In This Week’s Sci-Blog!
Welcome, Wonkeratti! It’s time once again for another strange and disturbing Wonkette Sci-Blog. Take off your eyeshades, pull out your earplugs and throw away the cork. The happy man with the glass laboratory apparatus in the photo is Charles David Keeling, Professor of Oceanography at the Scripps Institution of Oceanography for 49 years. Born in Scranton, [...]
Republicans Fabricated Smoking Gun Emails They Maybe Illegally Leaked; Forgot To Add Smoking Gun
First, a disclaimer: We, like you, are so. Fucking. Tired! of Benghazi. If Republicans had just taken our advice, they would not be suffering in the polls because they are wasting everyone’s time, and we would not be weeping into our latte because we have to keep struggling to wring a few drops of funny [...]
Bill Gates Finally Finds Virus He Might Be Able to Cure
Let’s say you are a wildly successful individual and have generally accomplished a good deal in your life. You are getting older, retired from you job, and are deciding what to do with your golden years. Wisely deciding against whale oil investments and buying land next to foamy sploading pigshit, you have several options in [...]
Poors Pooling Their Hobo Beans To Buy Chicago Tribune And Los Angeles Times, Good Luck Poors!
Are you looking for the latest can’t-miss investing opportunity? Well sir, you can forget your whale oil and your arsenic hats and your unicycles, because King Newspaper is the hottest ticket in town! Not convinced? Then tell us, why else would literally several people be trying to raise $660 million via a “crowd-funding” site to [...]
Army 2, Air Force 1: A Thrilling Contest To See Who Can Be The Absolute Worst About Sexual Assault
Remember November, when there were like one million gun tragedies in a row and we kept writing about them until we had horrible gun tragedy fatigue and said fuck it, because there’s only so many times you can write about dead kids before your soul hurts? That was…what is the opposite of fun? But hey! [...]
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Deleted Comment Of The Day: If We Were Really Progressive We’d Hate Blacks And Mexicans?
by Rebecca Schoenkopf
Oh, well this is … what is the opposite of fun? It is that. Let us think of some words for that: Gross. It is gross. And sad. And icky. And yuck! Oh, at first we assumed it was just some Occupy kids calling us out for our undying love of the Droner in Chief, [...]