Category Archives: Wonkette

  it won’t hurt a bit we swear

Step Right Up And Get Your Vaginal Probe: Your Florida Roundup

So you guys already know how dumb Florida is. But can you imagine how dumb Florida’s community colleges are? No you cannot. Here, have a gander: Two Florida college students say they were forced to submit to vaginal probes as part of a medical training program and were threatened with blacklisting if they declined. Read more on Step Right Up And Get Your Vaginal Probe: Your Florida Roundup…
  Enlightening the Lightheaded

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Deepak Chopra Has Derp Thoughts About Evolution

Close enough.
Greetings, grifters! It’s time again for the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly installment of the latest and greatest in quantum woo woo and pseudoscience. This week we have a return guest! Our favorite Oprah-approved king of quackery. No, not that one. The other one. No, not the guy with the muppet mustache. The OTHER other one. Yeah, Deepak Chopra! That “wholeness regulates dimensional reality” asshole. He has some thinking thoughts for all you naysayers who say he’s full of … nay, and he’s going to blast those Deep Thoughts right atcha. Let’s cascade our potentiality into this pile of conscious awareness. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Deepak Chopra Has Derp Thoughts About Evolution…
  mommyblogging

How Not To Counsel Your Daughters When They’ve Been Molested By Josh Duggar

Duggar family values.
It’s okay to feel sorry for Josh Duggar — we as liberals know teenage boys’ brains haven’t finished developing yet, which is why we don’t like sending them to the electric chair. Liberals also know we are molded by our circumstances: He was so young (assuming — assuming — his sexcrime spree has ended). Plus, he’s got those parents, and all that sexual dysfunction, and the bizarre patriarchal bullshit, and the constant lessons that Eve (even in the form of his preteen sisters, apparently) is there to tempt him from righteousness, I mean my god. We also know that nobody is all good or all bad, except Dick Cheney. Read more on How Not To Counsel Your Daughters When They’ve Been Molested By Josh Duggar…
  Maybe DuPont Had A Discount Coupon

DuPont Chemical Plant Kills 4 Employees, Pays $99,000 Fine. That’ll Learn ‘Em.

Chemical Plant Workers: $25K Each (Cheap!)
Just in case you were wondering, the official worth of a chemical-plant worker’s life is just a skosh under $25,000. That’s the word from the U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) in its decision to fine a Dupont chemical plant in La Porte, Texas, a whopping $99,000 for safety violations that killed four workers in November 2014. At the time of the accident, which involved a release of poisonous methyl mercaptan gas used in the making of insecticides, people were astonished that the plant management seemed to have no idea exactly what was going on or just how toxic the gas was — as Rachel Maddow reported, the fumes were so bad that local firefighters had to abandon a search and rescue attempt because their respirators were insufficient to protect them. Read more on DuPont Chemical Plant Kills 4 Employees, Pays $99,000 Fine. That’ll Learn ‘Em….
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says Stop Trying To Make ‘Hillary’ Happen. It’s Not Going To Happen.

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
The Sarah Palin Channel started Memorial Day weekend a bit early this year, publishing two videos in the last week with a combined run time of just three minutes 38 seconds. Both videos were clearly shot back-to-back, with Palin wearing the same clothing, in front of the same backdrop. You wish you thought of this idea, you wish you were as good at making money as Sarah Palin. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says Stop Trying To Make ‘Hillary’ Happen. It’s Not Going To Happen….
  Erin Go Fabulous

Ireland Throatcrams Itself With Marriage Equality, Shoots Gay Rainbows All Over Dublin

Beats lightning bolts
Congratulations, Ireland, it’s looking like you’ve made history as the first nation to choose marriage equality through a national referendum. While the official announcement isn’t in yet, the early tallies have “Yes” winning by wide margins, with nationwide turnout over 60% for the referendum (American turnout for the 2012 presidential election was only 57.5 percent, for what that’s worth). It’s not only supporters of the measure predicting a win; David Quinn of the Catholic group the Iona Institute, which campaigned against the referendum, said it was “obviously a very impressive victory for the ‘yes’ side”. Apparently, not many Irish folks thought it was necessary to protect The Children from the “sounds of sodomy.” Read more on Ireland Throatcrams Itself With Marriage Equality, Shoots Gay Rainbows All Over Dublin…
  dreams can come true

Texas Oil Heir Finds Secret Of Happiness: Murdering Endangered Rhinos

This fuckin' guy.
There are, like, 5,000 black rhinos left in the wild, tops. And now there’s one fewer, thanks to Texas oil heir Corey Knowlton, who legally shot an endangered black rhino and then legally brought it back to the United States, because that made Corey Knowlton feel like a big strong hunting man. What, how even, please explain to us NPR. Read more on Texas Oil Heir Finds Secret Of Happiness: Murdering Endangered Rhinos…
  here comes honey oh fuck it

TLC Pulls Gross Duggars Off The Air Because Honey Boo Boo’s Mom Wanted Equal Molesting Time

18 kids and the rapey one
It would seem that TLC, which revels in taking weird, fucked up people and making them teevee stars, isn’t too keen on sex criming kids. They cancelled Here Comes Honey Boo Boo after it was revealed that the show’s matriarch, Mama June, was shacking up with a dude that child-molested one of her kids. And now TLC has pulled all scheduled airings of 19 Kids And Counting, after revelations that Josh Duggar molested his sisters. We don’t know if TLC is looking for a new slogan, but Wonkette is willing to sell them “Standards: They’re Low, But We Have Them!” for $100,000. Read more on TLC Pulls Gross Duggars Off The Air Because Honey Boo Boo’s Mom Wanted Equal Molesting Time…
  redemption stories

Huckabee: That Duggar Boy Made A Mistake, Just Like When My Son Murdered That Dog

You STAY in her lap, where you're safe.
Expressions of wingnut support for Josh Duggar and his molesty past are starting to drip in, now that they’ve remembered that the focus of the narrative is REDEMPTION, because they have Jesus and you don’t. They are saved, you are going to hell. They can fuck kids, and you don’t fuck kids in the first place, but they said sorry to God, so ALL BETTER. Read more on Huckabee: That Duggar Boy Made A Mistake, Just Like When My Son Murdered That Dog…
  Not One Of These People Is A Duggar

Pervy Virginia Dem Who Won Election From Jail Will Marry Teen Secretary, Rule Galaxy

Nothing weird in this relationship, no sir.
In a pleasant change of pace, here’s a reminder that there are lots of gross people out there whose last name doesn’t rhyme with “fugger”: Weird former member of the Virginia House of Delegates Joe Morrissey is getting married to the teenaged receptionist with whom he fathered a babby. Despite pleading no contest to a misdemeanor charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor last year, Morrissey insists that he and his bride-to-be, Myrna Pride, never did the nasty until she was very definitely of age. Ms. Pride also said, at a press appearance where they announced their plans to marry, “I never engaged in a sexual [act] with Mr. Morrissey until I was of legal age,” so all of you people should just shut up now. Which sort of makes you wonder why he’d take a plea deal to avoid felony charges resulting from both the relationship and from showing pornographic photos of Pride to a friend. Read more on Pervy Virginia Dem Who Won Election From Jail Will Marry Teen Secretary, Rule Galaxy…
  how rude!

Mean California Dems Won’t Let Fake Abortion Clinics Lie To Ladies And Call Them Whores :(

Did you REALLY just tell me that my IUD is a baby?
These things exist, called Crisis Pregnancy Centers (CPC’s). They like to set up in the inner city, and they act like they’re just trying to help the pregnant ladies who want abortions, but in reality, women who go there get fed whole lines of incorrect medical “info” (aka “lies”) about how abortion causes breast cancer and abortion causes ladies to be depressed forever, and so on. Sometimes they just tell ladies they’re whores, and that they’ll never be able to get pregnant again if they get ‘bortions. Most of them don’t even have medical staff. Read more on Mean California Dems Won’t Let Fake Abortion Clinics Lie To Ladies And Call Them Whores :(…
  Wonkette makes photo gallery like Buzzfeed

Josh Duggar Touches GOP Presidential Candidates With Same Hands What Touched His Sisters

Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross.
Josh Duggar and the entire Duggar clan are Family Values People. They believe in things like Traditional Marriage and No Trannies In The Little Girls’ Room, because apparently that’s more dangerous than Josh Duggar In The Little Girls’ Room. The family’s record of open wingnuttery and anti-gay/anti-trans hate landed young Joshua a sweet position with the Family Research Council hate group, which is headed up by Tony Perkins, who started his career off by purchasing David Duke’s mailing list. Yes, THAT David Duke. Read more on Josh Duggar Touches GOP Presidential Candidates With Same Hands What Touched His Sisters…
  Grill This

Kansas GOP Spends Four Days Failing Extra Hard, Takes Well-Earned Four Day Weekend

As the people of Kansas head into the long weekend, they should take a moment to give thanks that their elected representatives are so dedicated to serving their needs. The state’s fiscal year is winding down and legislators are still looking for a way to make Sam Brownback’s mathematical delusions mesh with the real world, and taxpayers are shelling out over $40,000 a day for a special session because their representatives couldn’t fix the governor-inflicted budget damage by the deadline. Read more on Kansas GOP Spends Four Days Failing Extra Hard, Takes Well-Earned Four Day Weekend…
  When You're In A Hole Stop Dugging

Hey, Remember All The Times Those Duggars Warned Us How Evil Gays Threaten Children?

Dirty sex crimer or just a asshole?
Now that gross admitted child molester Josh Duggar has been outed as a gross hypocrite who molested his own sisters, we thought it might be useful to bring you a quick recap of some of the Duggar family’s noteworthy warnings about the Evils Of Homosexuality, which is a threat to YOUR FAMILY. Read more on Hey, Remember All The Times Those Duggars Warned Us How Evil Gays Threaten Children?…
  they took an oaf

Oregon ‘Oath Keepers’ Declare Victory Over Federal Jackbooted Thugs, Go Home

Flawless Victory!
Back in April, a whole bunch of excitable folks with rifles and Gadsden flags started converging on Josephine County in southwest Oregon to protect a small gold mining operation from the tyranny of an out-of-control Federal Gobvernment bent on trampling individual rights beneath the jackbooted heels of oppression. Or, in sane-people terms, the Bureau of Land Management had sent the guys who owned the mining claim a letter telling them to stop development of the mine, because the BLM contended that surface rights to the parcel of land belonged to the federal government, not the miners. The letter sent one of the mine’s two owners, Rick Barclay, into a panic, because he was sure the Feds would show up at any moment and burn down the cabin and other buildings on the mining site, the way the Feds always do, and so Barclay asked the local chapter of the paramilitary anti-government group Oath Keepers for help, and pretty soon self-proclaimed “Constitutional Activists” from all over the country were streaming into Oregon, ready for an armed standoff with Federal Jackboots and maybe, this time at last, a real start to the Second American Revolution. Read more on Oregon ‘Oath Keepers’ Declare Victory Over Federal Jackbooted Thugs, Go Home…
  Trust no 1

Shhhh, Texas, Everything Will Be Fine When Rick Perry Is President

Sometimes he likes to imagine being president
Have you noticed how perfectly reasonable people who used to wave flags and heart America and scream things like “LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, TRAITOR!” have suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, become suspicious of their government, just because the president is black and not-so-secretly wants to destroy us with terrorism and subsidized healthcare? Read more on Shhhh, Texas, Everything Will Be Fine When Rick Perry Is President…
  We all got slimed

Congrats, Santa Barbara! You Got Oiled By One Of America’s Slimiest Pipeline Companies!

You can still see some sand, so it's not that bad.
This post supported by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for coverage of oil spills, oil industry nastiness, and coastal sliming. So here’s the good news about Tuesday’s oil spill in Santa Barbara County, California: It’s nothing compared to the 1969 offshore drilling accident that fouled hundreds of square miles of ocean. That one was the third-worst oil spill in U.S. history, while Tuesday’s spill was a mere wet fart of a spill, with only about 105,000 gallons of oil spilled, of which a piddling 21,000 gallons went into the coastal waters. (There, that’s our “minimizing disaster” tryout for the Heartland Institute blogging job. Wish us luck!) Read more on Congrats, Santa Barbara! You Got Oiled By One Of America’s Slimiest Pipeline Companies!…
  our well regulated militia

Mike Huckabee Will Save Gun Owners From Tyranny Of Learning How To Shoot Guns

This is what 'clearing the chamber' means, right?
Mike Huckabee visited a gun range in Johnston, Iowa, Tuesday so he could check off “Did Second Amendment Stuff” on his campaign checklist. And while he was there, he explained that he’s not especially worried about whether gun owners actually have any training in using their weapons, because for heaven’s sake, if the Founders had wanted the militia to be well-regulated, surely they’d have said something about it somewhere, maybe. Read more on Mike Huckabee Will Save Gun Owners From Tyranny Of Learning How To Shoot Guns…
  surprise!

Gross Josh Duggar Admits To Molesting His Own Sisters, Resigns From Family Research Council

Photo by Beth Ethier This story has been updated with news of Josh Duggar’s resignation from the Family Research Council, see below. Wednesday, Wonkette reported that Josh Duggar, who now works for the anti-gay Family Research Council hate group, had been accused of maybe sex criming a minor, when he was 14. Wonkette used a lot of “allegedly” in our report, because there was a lot that hadn’t been confirmed, and people sure do hate the Duggars, with good reason. However, InTouch Magazine, which broke the original story, obtained a copy of the 2006 police report on Josh Duggar through a Freedom of Information Act request (FOIA) and boy howdy, it’s a lot grosser than we thought. Read more on Gross Josh Duggar Admits To Molesting His Own Sisters, Resigns From Family Research Council…
  Also Won't Go In Against A Sicilian When Death Is On The Line

Shifty Barack Obama Won’t Even Admit He Invented ISIS

Oh, *that*...
Barack Obama is fairly sure he’s learned the lesson of the Iraq War, even if Republican presidential candidates are still working on figuring out what it was (Lesson: Stop asking about 2003 and blame Obama). In an interview with The Atlantic’s Jeffrey Goldberg published Thursday, Obama notes that he thought the Iraq war was a bad idea in 2003 — even knowing what we knew then. Read more on Shifty Barack Obama Won’t Even Admit He Invented ISIS…
  Like On A Trail You Know?

Boy Scouts President Says Gay Scout Leaders Just Fine, Haters Can Take A Hike

It will look just like this.
Hurray, we have a Nice Time, and it is about the Boy Scouts! If you search your noggin, you’ll remember way back in 2013, when the entire Boy Scouts of America (BSA) got homosexual agendaed, because they lifted the ban on gay scouts, but kept the ban in place for adult members of the organization. Despite the fact that we are talking about KIDS, this did not stop religious right goons like Bryan Fischer and Kevin Swanson from making juvenile rage jokes about sodomy badges and also Boy Scouts’ firm young buttocks, because Bryan Fischer and Kevin Swanson probably need professional help. Read more on Boy Scouts President Says Gay Scout Leaders Just Fine, Haters Can Take A Hike…
  make love not war

Ben Carson Coulda Killed Bin Laden And Saddam Without Going To War, Just Like JFK Did

His brain is broken.
Ben Carson made a Dumb again! He was trying and failing, like so many other Republican candidates before him, to answer the question, “would you have invaded Iraq?” To his credit, he said it was a mistake! But he said he would have gotten rid of Saddam Hussein anyway. How? He would use WAYS: Read more on Ben Carson Coulda Killed Bin Laden And Saddam Without Going To War, Just Like JFK Did…