Category Archives: Wonkette

  A helpful guide

Which Parts Of Kraft Singles Are We Supposed To Eat? A Wonksplainer

Cheese for dummies
Hey you. Yes, you, dummy, standing there in the dairy section of your local Kwik Food Stuffs-R-Us-N-Go, about to put a package of Kraft Singles into your shopping cart. Don’t do that. Seriously, why would you do that? Because you like cheese? No you don’t, THAT’S NOT EVEN CHEESE: Read more on Which Parts Of Kraft Singles Are We Supposed To Eat? A Wonksplainer…
  Find a new job asshole

Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven

You think you're Doing Unto Others? Really, bitch?
Get out your Teacher Of The Year ballots, we have a nominee to present! Meet Michelle Meyer, who teaches at a public school, Forest Park Elementary in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Her ass is getting sued by the ACLU, and here is why. One day, during recess, a 7-year-old boy named “A.B.” (his name is withheld in the lawsuit) was talking to a classmate, and according to the suit, she asked A.B. if he went to church. He said no, and also he doesn’t believe in God, and this made her cry, probably because, WE ARE GUESSING, her parents are fundamentalist Christian fucks, and she’s a young girl who hasn’t seen enough of the world to know that her parents are raising her to be a holier-than-thou dick. Not her fault. Read more on Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven…
  Vote for Ted Cruz and his boomstick

Ted Cruz Would Like You To Think About His Penis Wrapped In Bacon

“In Texas,” says Canadian-born Cuban Ted Cruz, “we cook bacon a little differently than most folks.” How’s that, you’re not even wondering, but he’s gonna show you anyway. See, while other Americans might cook bacon the lazy way — on the stovetop or in the oven or maybe even the microwave — Texas-Americans drive to their favorite local gun range, wrap strips of bacon around the barrel of a machine gun, POW! POW! POW! at a target until the bacon grease collects in a pool on the ground, and voila! It’s both an efficient and hygienic way of enjoying the cornerstone of any healthy breakfast. Read more on Ted Cruz Would Like You To Think About His Penis Wrapped In Bacon…
  Remember When 'U.S. Out of My Uterus' was Just A Slogan?

Mike Huckabee Will Send Very Tiny Army Men Right Into Your Cooch

True fact: there are no women's clinics in Tiananmen Square. Do you want that for America?
Mike Huckabee, apparently still feeling the effects of that deep hit he took from the Trump Pipe last week, is saying some more insane shit. Not only is the Iran nuclear deal the Holocaust, now he’s hinting that, as president (HAH!) he’d maybe consider using the FBI and U.S. military to stop abortion once and for all. How’s that for your War on Women? It’s nice to see a candidate so willing to take a metaphor and drag it — by military force if necessary — into reality. Read more on Mike Huckabee Will Send Very Tiny Army Men Right Into Your Cooch…
  Sometimes tears are funny

Mormon Dad Forgot To Teach Son To Hate Gays, Will Never Get His Own Planet Now

Girl that church has been gay forever.
Hey Wonk liberals, let’s listen to the NPR together while we drink our vegan kale lattes, shall we? Ooh, here is an NPR radio program about the Boy Scouts organization ending its ban on openly gay scout leaders. Is there a Mormon dad very upset about this, due to how the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints basically bought the Scouts a long time ago, and everything’s ruined now? There sure is! His name is Quin Monson, he teaches political science at Brigham Young University, and his son is a Boy Scout. Mr. Monson used to be one too! Let’s talk to him in our NPR drone voice about his feelings: Read more on Mormon Dad Forgot To Teach Son To Hate Gays, Will Never Get His Own Planet Now…
  New Genocide Needed So Wingnuts Can Find Fresh Metaphor

Watch Erick Erickson Shove This Coat Hanger Up GOP’s Vagina!

Little angel babies!
. Perpetual rage machine and Fox News contributor Erick Erickson is really, really mad that Planned Parenthood is getting rich off trafficking in murdered baby parts (which it isn’t, but shut up, he knows it is). Not only is he demanding a government shutdown if funding for Planned Parenthood isn’t immediately aborted, he also says that if the GOP doesn’t have the huevos to completely bring government to a halt over a bunch of misleadingly edited videos, then it’s damn well time for conservatives to destroy the Republican Party. More. Maybe they could start a whole new party just for anti-abortion absolutists, with a bloody fetus hanging on a cross for its symbol. Read more on Watch Erick Erickson Shove This Coat Hanger Up GOP’s Vagina!…
  You punch your mother with that fist?

Who Is Chris Christie Punching In The Face Today?

You shut up, and you shut up, and you shut up
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is a raging dick — but that’s not a bug, it’s a feature. It’s his brand, and he’s damn proud of it, and he’s never going to change, eff you, buddy. His pitch to voters is: “It’s time to start offending people.” This strategy has worked well for him in New Jersey, where 65 percent of voters are only saying he’d be a god-frickin’-awful president because they lurve him so much, they want to keep him for themselves. Read more on Who Is Chris Christie Punching In The Face Today?…
  Allegedly we guess

Dickbag Texas A.G. Indicted For Doing Bad Crimes, Being Dickbag

Remember how excited we all got in July, when we found out that gay-hating asshole Texas A.G. Ken Paxton might be a great big crimer and get indicted and have to go to jail and sell his white collar butthole to other white collar inmates for cigarettes and stuff? The day has come, at least for the indictment, all gathered here together rejoice! Read more on Dickbag Texas A.G. Indicted For Doing Bad Crimes, Being Dickbag…
  Yooge Classy Foreign Workers

Donald Trump Imports Waitstaff From Mexico, To Keep An Eye On Them Probably

There's a Mexican import right there!
The greatest jobs president God ever created is doing a fantastic job of creating jobs in America, even before he’s president. Donald Trump’s hotels and resorts have been especially good at creating jobs for foreign workers, according to an investigation by Reuters published Sunday. Not that this in any way contradicts his promise to bring all the jobs back from China and Mexico, because Donald Trump had a really good reason for getting visas for all those foreigners: They were cheaper, like the immigrant workers building his hotel in Washington DC. Look, the guy’s a businessman, and maybe China made him do it, just like it forced him to make his crappy Trump-branded clothing line in China. And if Donald Trump were president, this outrageous practice would stop, unless it were still profitable. Read more on Donald Trump Imports Waitstaff From Mexico, To Keep An Eye On Them Probably…
  Loser! Loser! Loser!

White House LOLs At Sen. Tom Cotton For Being Dumb Dork Austin Powers Wannabe

I AM THE DUMMEST AND I BREATHE OUT OF MY MOUTH
Sen. Tom Cotton of Arkansas is a No Pants, Grade-A Twat-sicle, and the White House knows it. He THINKS he went to Vienna and did a top secret investigation to uncover all kinds of shady side deals Obama did with Iran, like maybe he promised the Iranians could bomb one American city per year, as long as it’s a little bomb and not a nuke. Of course, Ambassador Susan Rice had already explained to young Cotton that the side deals are not a secret, and that if he will just stop playing with his winkie in front of the class and sit still, he will get to go to the big boy congressional briefing, where they will tell him ALL about it. But that’s not good enough for Cotton, because on top of not knowing his place, he’s so dumb you could store all your dildos inside his skull cavity and still have room for TruckNutz. Read more on White House LOLs At Sen. Tom Cotton For Being Dumb Dork Austin Powers Wannabe…
  hookers and koch

Koch Brothers Invite Reporters To Not Report On Party For Secret Donors

Media orientation session at the Kochs' confab.
This weekend Charles and David Koch (family motto: We’ve got all the money so shut up) gathered 450 of their closest and wealthiest friends for their annual political confab and power orgy. The good news: For the first time, journalists were allowed to attend the event at the St. Regis Monarch Beach luxury resort in Dana Point, a wealthy California suburb. The bad news: The ink-stained wretches’ attendance was predicated on their agreeing to not actually tell the public the names of any of the donors they were wrestling for the last shrimp cocktail. Read more on Koch Brothers Invite Reporters To Not Report On Party For Secret Donors…
  You'll have clean air and like it

President Obama Sends Climate Change Memo To America’s Idiots

So remember how President Obama planned to spend his summer vacation trying to save the world? Done and done, apparently. Why the president is still convinced we need some sort of “plan” to deal with our impending doom is utterly beyond us. We all saw Sen. Jim Inhofe’s snowball indisputably proving climate change is a hoax perpetrated by some dumb money-grubbing scientists. And the pope. And the rest of the world. But the president has decided that trying to cram clean power down our throats is a good use of his time. When he’s not on the golf course, that is, HAW HAW HAW. Read more on President Obama Sends Climate Change Memo To America’s Idiots…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Sass-Mouth Barack Obama Sasses The Republicans, Sassily. Your Weekly Top Ten.

I laugh at you idiots! So much!
Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and whew, what a week we had! Your Wonkette got lost (broken because bad server was bad), but then was found (fixed with a shiny new server!), was blind but now it sees! And you all made that possible! If you have not had a chance, please read our heartfelt THANK YOU for all the moneys you gave us to help us in our time of need. Read more on Sass-Mouth Barack Obama Sasses The Republicans, Sassily. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: A Real Marine In National Security Warns Wonkette To Leave Iran

OK, so maybe it's not THIS Marine...
Funny how it all works out: Even during a week when our little mommyblog, recipe hub, and ugly vile little snark mob was brought low by server issues for a day and then some, we had an astonishing number of deleted comments, mostly thanks to 1) an idiot dentist with blood lust (no, not Jack Nicholson in Little Shop of Horrors OR Lawrence Olivier in Marathon Man) and 2) A few really determined trolls on other stories. Let’s get straight to the latter, a garrulous fellow simply named “Ben,” who warned us that Morgan Freeman is lying to America about the Iran nuclear deal: Read more on Deleted Comments: A Real Marine In National Security Warns Wonkette To Leave Iran…
  this picture is everything

Rick Scott Is Just Like Mother Teresa: Your Florida Roundup

Adventures in Sucking Up: The Florida Edition
We were worried for a moment there that after last week’s absolute and undeniable perfection, Yr Florida Roundup would have nowhere to go but down. And this turned out to be true, sorry. But we do have this wonderful picture of our dear pre-zombie governor for your edification and amusement, so yay? Read more on Rick Scott Is Just Like Mother Teresa: Your Florida Roundup…
  Get Your Nerd On

None To Beam Up Just Yet: Your Saturday Nerdout

'I've got the strangest feeling that my face wants to sit down'
Happy Saturday, nerdlings! We have all sorts of geeky goodies for you today, so warm up your Oscillation Overthrusters, make sure you have enough gigawatts for your flux capacitors, and have another cup of coffee. Also, you may as well give up on any hope that you’ll get a decent cup of tea from Zaphod Beeblebrox. It ain’t gonna happen. Read more on None To Beam Up Just Yet: Your Saturday Nerdout…