Category Archives: Wonkette

  Hey remember when he told that joke about rape drugs?

Bill Cosby: I Put The Rape Drugs In The Women

GROSS
In news that will surprise NOBODY IN THE WORLD, it’s being reported that Bill Cosby admitted, all the way back in 2005, that yes, he got some rapey Quaaludes, to give to ladies, for rapey purposes: Read more on Bill Cosby: I Put The Rape Drugs In The Women…
  Wonket Does Not Allow Comments And Here's The Best One Today

Look Upon This Comment Of The Day And Weep, Ye Mighty

Now with Kerning!
Okay, people, you can all just stop trying today. In fact, we might just as well take the rest of the week off until Kaili gets back from “vacation,” because today, the internet has already been won in the comments on our Colorado IUD Success Story Must Die piece. As you may recall, since it was just a few hours ago, the story noted that Colorado’s program to distribute birth control to young women had reduced both teen pregnancies and teen abortions by impressive amounts, which means that Republicans have to kill the program because that means teens are doing sex without life-ruining consequences, which just won’t do. Read more on Look Upon This Comment Of The Day And Weep, Ye Mighty…
  U-S-A! U-S-A!

Champion USA-America Soccer Lady Wins Match, Gets Lesbianism All Over TV Screen, USA!

Gaying each other.
Did everyone tune in to the Women’s World Cup Finals Sunday evening? If you are a lesbian, you did, because that was a thing that all living lesbians were required by law to do. It was so exciting! Our ladies beat the Japanese ladies, and America is the champion of the Women’s World Cup for the first time since 1999. U-S-A! U-S-A! Read more on Champion USA-America Soccer Lady Wins Match, Gets Lesbianism All Over TV Screen, USA!…
  Also Their Football Team Sucks

Lawsuit Against Trump’s Scammy ‘University’ May Reveal What The Bastard’s Really Worth

On the other hand, we would totally go to Twilight Sparkle University
Here’s a little bit of trivia that you might want to stash away in the same corner of your brain that remembers how Al Capone was finally busted not for being a mobster, but for tax evasion: It’s starting to look like the best glimpse America may really get of Donald Trump’s actual net worth will probably come from a discovery filing in a class-action lawsuit against his dumb fake “University,” rather than from his federal election financial disclosure forms. We can’t wait for Trump to condemn the people suing him as idiots and lightweights for falling for his distance-learning scam, just as he screamed at the New York AG who sued Trump “University” for fraud. Read more on Lawsuit Against Trump’s Scammy ‘University’ May Reveal What The Bastard’s Really Worth…
  You know who doesn't love a parade? Hitlery!

Media That Writes About Hillary Clinton’s Shoes Demands She Show Them More Respect

Must be campaign season!
On Saturday some nice elderly grandmother managed to set off a media conniption fit by using a rope to keep reporters away from her while she marched in a New Hampshire Fourth of July parade. Of course the grandmother was Hillary Clinton and New Hampshire is the most important state in the Union, at least until next February when we can go back to just thinking of it as that really cold shithole that isn’t Vermont. Hence the conniption. Read more on Media That Writes About Hillary Clinton’s Shoes Demands She Show Them More Respect…
  Multi-Level Manboobs

Scott Brown Elected Senator Of Pyramid Schemes

Ever since America’s “sexy” senator got his bleached little butthole handed to him by Champion of the Proletariat Elizabethski Warrenovna, Scott Brown has had a bit of an identity crisis. With his teen modeling career in the toilet, and nobody wanting him as the Senator of Massachusetts New Hampshire Maine Vermont California Anywhere, Brown had to make ends meet repairing bikes in the perfect little photo op of North Hampton, New Hampshire. But it seems Ole Scott’s luck’s finally turned around, by gum! He’s stumbled across AdvoCare®, a perfect money-making opportunity guaranteed to make all his dreams come true, and you too can get in on the ground floor of this explosive new industry if you just sign right here. Does it sound like a pyramid scheme? Of course it isn’t; it’s only a massive pyramid scheme! Read more on Scott Brown Elected Senator Of Pyramid Schemes…
  We Watched So You Wouldn't Have To

Sarah Palin Quits Thing.

Götterdämmer-grift
This July 4th, Sarah Palin celebrated America by announcing that she is quitting the Internet-teevee-channel grift, because quitting is what Sarah Palin does best. In video and text announcements on the Sarah Palin Channel, Governor Quitterface declared that as of August 1, anyone can consume premium, previously paywalled Palin content, because Sarah Palin is getting rid of her paywall for freedom, and not because the Sarah Palin Channel was an economic failure, heavens no. Read more on Sarah Palin Quits Thing….
  nice time!

Pro-Life Colorado Republicans Angry That Teen Abortion Rate Declining

They work!
Who would have guessed that the “pro-life” sex education plan, which is essentially “do not have sex ever, you whore,” doesn’t work? Everyone would have guessed that! But Colorado has a lesson to teach America about what DOES work, and it is free birth control for everyone, so that ladies can do sex without worrying about unplanned pregnancies. We’re not sure the religious right will like this news, because it also means that ladies can do sex without asking their permission: Read more on Pro-Life Colorado Republicans Angry That Teen Abortion Rate Declining…
  Yoogest Classiest Broad Brush Out There

Donald Trump Dimly Aware That Messicans Don’t Like Being Called Rapists And Murderers

Most accurate Trump image yet
Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com Donald Trump Isn’t backing off from his insistence that the borders are completely open and that most of those crossing are criminals, thugs, and thuggish criminals, but he is at least becoming vaguely aware that this stance may not be universally loved. On Fox & Friends Saturday, Trump took the opportunity to explain that his immigration views were vindicated because a man who’d been deported five times was charged with murder in San Francisco last week, which simply proves that illegal immigrants are bad news. Read more on Donald Trump Dimly Aware That Messicans Don’t Like Being Called Rapists And Murderers…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Was It Over When The Jews Bombed Pearl Harbor?

Hey, Kids, hope you enjoyed both your Fourth of July and your Independence Day, seeing as how this was one of those years where they fall on the same day. Yr Wonkette had a nice day off and hardly blowed up anything at all that didn’t need ‘splodin’. And speaking of “highly Flammable,” we have for you a fine collection of deleted dumbth, starting with some thoughts from a “Dr. Lopez,” who we regret did not specify what his doctorate was in. Dr Lopez was not especially pleased with our piece on the Texas attorney general who issued an amazing public meltdown in the form of a press release following the Supreme Court’s gay marriage ruling. And Dr. Lopez had some thoughts about just what a Big Dummy our Evan Hurst must be — don’t be fooled by his flattery at the beginning! As always, punctuation and spelling are verbatim from original. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Was It Over When The Jews Bombed Pearl Harbor?…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Nanny-Stater Sarah Palin Tells America How To Raise Kids Good

The Sarah Palin Farknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
The Sarah Palin Channel has resumed its previous publication schedule, pumping out two videos (combined run-time: 3:26) in the last week. The first video, “Raising Patriots,” features Palin telling hard-working Americans how to raise their own goddamn kids, because Sarah Palin feels as though she is fit to offer parenting advice for some reason. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Nanny-Stater Sarah Palin Tells America How To Raise Kids Good…
  we’re number one we’re number one!

Our Terribleness Is ‘Staggeringly Impressive': Your Florida Roundup

Everybody ride that dinosaur
Thrillist, which is a website you would read if you didn’t spend every waking moment not already set aside for 8-balls and hookers staring lovingly Yr Wonket, puts together these dumb lists every now and again, as websites do. (Thanks for that, Buzzfeed.) And to celebrate Murca’s birthday, Thrillist decided to rank all 50 states based on, well, “everything.” Read more on Our Terribleness Is ‘Staggeringly Impressive': Your Florida Roundup…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Sarah Palin Declares Independence From Pretending To Be Employed. Your Weekly Top Ten.

THE CUTEST.
Hey Wonkers, happy Fourth of July weekend and shit! Do you need a nap? We sure do! Let’s all snuggle dressed like burritos after we read this post, like Wonkette baby, pictured above. (Did you SEE Editrix’s baby pictures post this morning? If you didn’t, you should go look at it!) Read more on Sarah Palin Declares Independence From Pretending To Be Employed. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  mommyblogging

HI YOU WANNA LOOK AT SOME WONKETTE BABY PICTURES? Shut Up Liar, Yes You Do

Hello! Come in! Come in! Sit! What can I get you? Beer? Wine? Assorted jams? NOW LOOK AT MY BABY PICTURES! Maternity leave was great, thank you for asking! In fact, I will probably take more of it once Kaili is back from her vacation doing whatever Democrats do on vacation — probably golfing in Hawaii with the king of Spain. But how did I take maternity leave when we aren’t even Swedish? Easy, I own the company hahahahaha, oh, isn’t life rich. Read more on HI YOU WANNA LOOK AT SOME WONKETTE BABY PICTURES? Shut Up Liar, Yes You Do…
  mommyblog and recipe hub

Lather Up Your Sexy 4th Of July Body With These Homemade JAMS!

Jam! Outdoors! Outdoor jam!
Is your 4th of July hot, steamy and patriotic? Cool your body off with some nice summer JAM! This recipe was originally published here, but now it is here! Enjoy! Are you sick and tired of buying factory made jam? Good, me too. Abandon your jars of unnatural concentrates and throw away the shackles of commercially prepared pectin! We are going to make our own jams! Read more on Lather Up Your Sexy 4th Of July Body With These Homemade JAMS!…
  Coming Again To Save The Motherfuckin' Day

A Children’s Treasury Of Sexy Fourth Of July Patriotic Musical Videos

'Merca!
For your America Day enjoyment, we proudly present this retread/update of a 2011 post by “Wonkette Jr,” whose actual identity is lost to time — truly, we are standing on the shoulders of an unknown giant. Since not even YouTube is Forever, we also pruned the dead links and added all-new Patriotic Content! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Sexy Fourth Of July Patriotic Musical Videos…
  Open up and say mmmrfffghhhlll

What Is Wonkette Ramming Down Your Throat This Fourth Of July?

Try THIS at home.
This post originally ran … a different time! But now it is for the Fourth of July, so that you may eat the corn dogs that spring forth from it. Corn dogs. It has come to this, and the devil is dancing tonight! Read more on What Is Wonkette Ramming Down Your Throat This Fourth Of July?…
  How was YOUR dumb week?

Barack Obama’s Terrible, Horrible, Badass, Balls Out Rager Of A Week

Editrix can have Old Handsome Joe Biden, we like Sexy Obama.
Oh look at the White House all BRAGGIN’ and shit. That Nice Time video above was provided to yr Wonkette (and by “provided,” we mean we went to the White House website and copied the embed code) as a way of illustrating how Barack Obama just had one of the most badass weeks of his entire presidency, a week bigger than the best weeks of Sarah Palin’s, Ronald Reagan’s, your mom’s, and Jesus’s presidencies COMBINED. Read more on Barack Obama’s Terrible, Horrible, Badass, Balls Out Rager Of A Week…
  Paramilitary Feminists Invade White House

Girl Scouts Sneak Past Secret Service, Camp Out On White House Lawn

Ok, this is just all kinds of cute — to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the National Parks system and Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move!” healthy-stuff initiative, and also because there’s just never a bad time to have photos of smiley kids with the POTUS and the FLOTUS, the Obamas hosted a whole gaggle of Girl Scouts from all over the country for a campout on the south lawn of the White House. It was almost as cute as that time Obama wore a tiara or the other time he met the little scouts at the White House science fair. Read more on Girl Scouts Sneak Past Secret Service, Camp Out On White House Lawn…
  MAYBE an EEOC employer?

HELP WANTED: Tennessee County Clerk’s Office Seeks Non-Bigot Applicants For All Positions

Or the next best thing?
GAY MARRIAGE CREATES JOBS, thanks, Obama! Positions have recently opened up in the clerk’s office in Decatur County, Tennessee. Three former employees, including County Clerk Gwen Pope, recently vacated the premises upon discovering that the entire world had come crashing down upon them, rendering them unable to perform their daily tasks, which consist of paperwork, gossiping with the sheriff about them varmints what got caught over near Bible Hill up to no good, and issuing the occasional marriage license. However, nine unelected black-robed lawyers, none of them from around here, obviously, have decided to overturn the Sincerely Held Desire To Discriminate Religious Beliefs of true God-fearing Jesus-Americans, setting up a situation where Lloyd who is kind of “funny” can march up into the office and demand to marry one of his “friends.” Read more on HELP WANTED: Tennessee County Clerk’s Office Seeks Non-Bigot Applicants For All Positions…