Thursday, November 12: For their monthly happy hour, the Going Out Gurus are heading to the one of the sleaziest places in the District, Russia House. Get ready to drink a lot of vodka, and to eat free food, that is, if there’s still any available. [Going Out Gurus Happy Hour] MORE »

Ha ha, now that there will be tons of babies running around DC thanks to Mr. Stupak and his coathanger-friendly amendment, women should start indulging in food that they won’t be able to eat while preggers, including sushi. And thankfully, DC is a city full of raw fish establishments. MORE »

Monday, November 9: It’s the JDate event of the century: a discussion at the Hudson Institute about why all Jews are liberals! Learn why the Jews worship Obama (hint: it’s not because he’s black). [Hudson Institute] MORE »

Knock-knock! Ezra Klein, are you there? So. There is sexual predator that rides the same bus as you. He knows your name. He likes you. In a sexual way. Next time you take the bus, look around you. Is there a strange man staring at you as he touches himself? THAT’S HIM! [DCist] MORE »

Saturday, November 7 through Sunday, November 29: Lost In Yonkers, a play about a very dysfunctional Jewish family, will make you 1) regret your decision to go home for Thanksgiving and 2) crave a delicious corned beef sandwich. [Theater J] MORE »

Now that Bob McDonnell is governor of Virginia, who knows what’s in store for blacks and women?!?! So, before the new leadership goes and names more streets after its Civil War heroes, you should visit it on a day trip. It’s just lovely in the fall, what with the leaves and all. MORE »

Wednesday, November 4: If you are even remotely considering cooking for Thanksgiving, we highly, highly recommend attending the Thanksgiving-themed cooking classes at Zola Wine & Kitchen. Shelling out a few extra bucks to learn how to make a turkey is a much better idea than serving a burnt, inedible one on Thanksgiving. [Zola Wine & Kitchen] MORE »

Ha ha, do you have the pig AIDS, because just about everyone in DC has it! Have you sneezed or coughed at all in the last decade? Then it’s definitely the pig AIDS, and you shouldn’t touch anyone, especially small children or old dying people, because you could kill them. There’s no Tamiflu left, oh well, but there are plenty of places in the District where you can get comfort foods that should help make your impending death by swine a bit more bearable. MORE »

Tuesday, November 3: The Center for American Progress has somehow managed to hire God as a Senior Fellow. His All Holiness Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew I, the patriarch of Orthodox Christianity, will be discussing the nature of progress, an ever-so-fascinating topic, tomorrow at Georgetown University. [Center for American Progress] MORE »

Tonight through Sunday, November 1: Remember that time when New Orleans was an actual thriving city?  Well, in an apparent FU to the world for doing nothing to save the city, the Classical Theater of Harlem has shifted the setting of classic play Waiting for Godot to New Orleans’ Ninth Ward. Inactivity has never been so captivating, timely and depressing. [Publick Playhouse] MORE »

You network? We should network sometime. Let’s network. Let’s exchange business cards. Faxes. Telegrams. Beepers. E-mail signatures. STDs. Need to network. Need. To. Network. In DC it’s all about who you know. [Why I Hate DC] MORE »