Category Archives: Wonkabout

  The Power Of Christ Compelled Him

Silly Oklahoma Christian, You Are Supposed To Burn The Witch, Not Behead Him

If beheading was good enough for Leonora Dori Galigai, it's good enough for college guys who play Magic: The Gathering
OMG there’s been another religiously motivated beheading (fine, near-beheading) in Oklahoma! In Stillwater on Wednesday, 21-year-old Isaiah Zoar Marin had been watching a whole bunch of YouTube videos about Christianity, when apparently, the Spirit of the Lord drove him to take literally the infallible word of God in Exodus 22:18: “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.” Read more on Silly Oklahoma Christian, You Are Supposed To Burn The Witch, Not Behead Him…
  Ballot Recital

Latino Guy Delivers Absentee Ballots In Arizona. You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next.

It's almost as if he thought he wasn't breaking the law or something!
Finally, the right has incontrovertible evidence of voting fraud! Democrats say it’s rare, but here is the video that proves just how real and scary it is: “Liberal activist caught on video stuffing hundreds of ballots.” Or, from some of the more responsible rightwing sites who are pretending to hedge a little, “This Video Appears To Show A Guy Stuffing Hundreds Of Ballots Into A Ballot Box.” Read more on Latino Guy Delivers Absentee Ballots In Arizona. You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next….
  and keep yourself from getting diabetes too!

Solve Diabetes & the Environment By Playing Dodgeball For Charity In DC

Do you live in the Washington DC metro area and enjoy hipster irony such as “playing dodgeball,” on your weekend, when you should really be at home meditating on the emptiness of your life? Well, by all means you should play dodgeball for charity on March 11. Get your loser political/lobbyist/think tank/junior staffer friends together and sign up! You can help solve diabetes — both in a literal sense, in your own body, by exercising, and also by helping raise money for a medical cure. And you can help solve the apparent social issue of “the first sustainable dodgeball tournament according to the Council for Responsible Sport who oversees the sustainability certification process for sporting events.” Read more on Solve Diabetes & the Environment By Playing Dodgeball For Charity In DC…
  go outside and have fun

Occupy Washington Live Video Feed: It’s a Pretty Autumn Day!

Here’s what’s going on in DC today: The ongoing Occupy DC protest at McPherson Square is still ongoing, so stop by and say hi and whatever, and also the long-planned “Stop the Machine” rally against TEN YEARS OF WAR IN AFGHANISTAN is also going, and going big. Here’s a live feed NOW CORRECTED WITH A BETTER FEED THAT’S ACTUALLY LIVE FROM DC: Read more on Occupy Washington Live Video Feed: It’s a Pretty Autumn Day!…
  groupon etiquette

Wonkabout’s Arielle Fleisher Makes Mysterious Appearance In DC CityPaper

Our Wonkabout editor, Arielle Fleisher, packed up and fled D.C. for the fun lands of Europe and then the not-so-fun lands of Michigan (for grad school), but she managed to pop up in the Washington CityPaper before this vanishing act. Did she make the news section for doing a political crime in a neighborhood ward district or whatever? No! She wrote about “Groupon Etiquette,” which is apparently what is involved when you use the online coupons from that pyramid-scheme website instead of just paying for your food: Read more on Wonkabout’s Arielle Fleisher Makes Mysterious Appearance In DC CityPaper…
  important announcements regarding your wonkette

Tattooed Pig Urges Wonkabout To Leave DC (Goodbye Forever!)

Well hello! After two years of eating and drinking her way around this city so you could know which small plates, pork, hamburger or pizza establishment is worthy of your hard-earned disposable income, it is time for your Wonkabout to leave the playground that is D.C. She is off to learn things in grad school, after which she’ll probably be unemployed, burdened by debt and unable to afford her pork habit. Wish her luck! But really, it was all fun and games until tattooing a dead pig for charity became an acceptable D.C. springtime activity … and then she knew it was time to go. Read more on Tattooed Pig Urges Wonkabout To Leave DC (Goodbye Forever!)…
  before it all goes to hell

Pre-Swamp Sweat Fest Fun: The Many Ways To Enjoy DC Spring

Happy third day of Passover to all our Jewish friends and a hoppy almost Easter to “everyone else!” Jews eating matza and the celebration of when Jesus returned to say “howdy” to all his followers before going away again are two exciting occasions that mark fertility, horny rabbits, and most importantly, spring. Before we enter the sweat feast that is D.C. in the summer when thousands of young impressionable political science majors will come to D.C. to flaunt their stapling skills and flocks of fanny-packed tourists will roll around town in their Segways, we get D.C.’s most enjoyable season, spring. This means there is pig to be eaten and patios to be enjoyed. Read more on Pre-Swamp Sweat Fest Fun: The Many Ways To Enjoy DC Spring…
  now that it's almost over

Keep That Shutdown Spirit Alive In Semi-Back-To-Normal D.C.

Post-no-government-shutdown blues? Everyone was all excited for the anarchy and lawlessness, that is, until they came after the hoohaws of D.C.’s low-income women. Even if D.C.’s mayor did go to jail to protest the Republican Riders, short of throwing fetuses on Boehner’s lawn, it seems like Washingtonians are just going to have to go back to doing what they do best: indiscriminately disposing of income at a food and beer establishment. Which takes us to H Street NE, where, for its newest act, it has unveiled a Mongolian restaurant where food is consumed under the faded glare of multiple flat screen teevees. D.C. at its best! Read more on Keep That Shutdown Spirit Alive In Semi-Back-To-Normal D.C….
  these things happen

D.C. Itinerary For 800,000 Furloughed Federal Employees

Washington is usually such a lively place, with its rats and whores and millionaires and non-essential government employees. How will D.C. change when the Federal Government actually shuts down forever Friday at Midnight? Maybe you like the socialist safety and security of your paycheck and don’t care for this unpaid, forced spring break? Or maybe you’re excited that this has the potential to be as much fun as snowmageddon, only without the snow and the paid time off? The reality for D.C. is rather unpleasant: No trash pick up,  no fixing the potholes, government workers struggling to survive without their BlackBerrys, and thousands of tourists on Segway tours to nowhere because all the attractions are shut down. Other than dumping your trash in front of Boenher’s house, here are some suggestions for how to make it though the Shutdown. Read more on D.C. Itinerary For 800,000 Furloughed Federal Employees…
  New Restaurants

Freedom From Fancy Culinary Tricks: Just Succulent Morsels of Meat

Apparently, in our little small-plates metropolis it is possible to have a simple, non-pork-based meal in a nice, modestly decorated restaurant. For a while there we had resigned ourselves a life where we would get all our nutrients from bacon-covered doughnuts and to drinking beer only from mason jars in dimly lit restaurants. This is why we’re excited that we can use the words “good value” and “simple” to describe Medium Rare, a new steakhouse in the semi-revived Cleveland Park. Maybe you’re of the rare breed that likes to eat well priced, decidedly undercooked, tender, succulent morsels of meat? Read more on Freedom From Fancy Culinary Tricks: Just Succulent Morsels of Meat…
  radioactive flowering trees

A Children’s Treasury of Japanese Tree Flowers

There are many great things that come with the start of spring, like homeless people returning to Dupont Circle, tourists on Segways, free cone day, and Jesus. Of all the obligatory D.C. spring activities, though, there’s nothing more loved than staring at the cherry blossoms, even if those pretty pink blossoms look exactly the same every year. But, since Japan is just awful these days, and because we’re all but one old Brita filter away from radiation poisoning, we thought now is a good time to figure out what exactly cherry blossoms are and how they ended up in the nation’s capital. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Japanese Tree Flowers…
  barack obama got you a cupcake

The Confectionery Lobby: D.C.’s Cupcakes Have Gone Too Far

It turns out that the biggest evil in this great nation isn’t the Koch Brothers after all. Their evil is no match for “heaping swirls of luscious confection atop rich, creamy pastry,” also known as cupcakes. You see, while this set of extremist billionaires was busy using their money to Kochblock unions, students from voting, et cetera and so forth, cupcakes were being used by lobbyists for AT&T to influence policy: 1,500 cupcakes supplied by D.C.’s own Georgetown Cupcake were delivered by AT&T to the F.C.C.’s headquarters while the F.C.C. was debating how Internet service providers should manage their traffic- and just as AT&T was looking into merging with T-Mobile. Yes, courtesy of a local D.C. business, this once innocent sugary concoction that you may remember from your childhood is now a lobbyist’s wet dream. Read more on The Confectionery Lobby: D.C.’s Cupcakes Have Gone Too Far…
  today we are all tourists

Near Total Destruction of Japan Will Not Mark the End of Cherry Blossoms

These little pink flower-y things that were a gift from good old Japan will soon be a bloomin’ all over the Tidal Basin. Yes, we are about to enter the dark and scary tourist-infested time that is Cherry Blossom Season—which, haha, this year perfectly coincides with the next Tea Party Protest. Soon there will be an epic battle of fanny pack wearing tourists on Segways versus adoring old Teabaggers on scooters, and the real losers will be the actual inhabitants of D.C. who will have to deal with this onslaught of out-of-towners. But, if there were ever a year to brave the annoying tourists and Tea Party Tards to see the pretty pink bloomage, we guess it would be this one, right? Do it for Japan! Read more on Near Total Destruction of Japan Will Not Mark the End of Cherry Blossoms…
  New Restaurants

And So Continues the Ironic Consumption of Pig

With all the economic unpleasantness and the wars and the fact that our quinoa habit is slowly starving South Americans, here’s something to take comfort in: a new spot for the disposing of income, Standard. It’s a food truck without wheels where you’re charged sales tax on your bill — this is also known as a restaurant. And yet it has everything this city loves: a New York equivalent, beer served by the liter, pork, and a large outdoor patio. Why else would Washingtonians be so eager to eat and drink at a restaurant that resembles a prison yard? Read more on And So Continues the Ironic Consumption of Pig…
  anything can happen on st. patrick's day

St. Patrick’s Day: Are You Drunk Yet?

Last week we arbitrarily boozed up to celebrate Mardi Gras boobies, and tonight we arbitrarily drink to celebrate the Patron Saint of Kegs and Eggs. Yes, it is St. Patrick’s Day, the holiest of holy drinking holidays when we honor the ancient Irish traditions of wearing green thongs, binge drinking, and pinching people’s privates. Go forth and enjoy some green beer until you puke, for Ireland. Read more on St. Patrick’s Day: Are You Drunk Yet?…
  must be the dope fumes

Local Gas Station Now Serves Gourmet Eats, Because Why Not?

Washingtonians are notoriously wary of dining in an actual building. The city’s cubicle drones prefer to wait in the godawful humidity for lobster rolls or to wander around a parking lot while consuming slow-roasted happy pork. But consuming gourmet, extremely satisfying food under a roof has finally become an Okay Thing To Do Again — because it can now be done in a Gas Station. Hooray for the glorious combination of gasoline fumes and Cubano sandwiches! Read more on Local Gas Station Now Serves Gourmet Eats, Because Why Not?…
  uppity neighbors

Eastern Market: Yuppieville Forever

Eastern Market is one of the last remaining areas in D.C. that hasn’t really attempted to find its New York stripes. It’s managed to stay classically and quintessentially yuppie! The kind of place where people engage in Civil Discourse and where there are real live actual children. Lots of them! Considering what a bad week the yuppies have had–food trucks were harassed (!), oh, and NPR, too–now may be a good time to celebrate this little yuppie haven and to welcome its newest restaurant, pound, which happens to be following the lower-case-monosyllabic restaurant name trend. Why do yuppies hate syllables so much? Read more on Eastern Market: Yuppieville Forever…
  uh are you ready for some football

Incompetent D.C. Government Crooked (Also: PBR)

It’s been a while since we’ve explored the backwards world that is D.C. politics, so here goes: Some five months ago, when bike lanes and education were still the rage, Adrian Fenty, champion of white-people causes, was Mayor of D.C. But one can only get so far when backed by the PBR lobby, and so he was replaced by Vincent Gray who, it turns out, (allegedly) paid another man to try to undermine Fenty’s campaign in return for a job. Whoops! In some circles this is illegal/ generally not a good idea. But let’s focus on the more important things. D.C. has a new PBR dispensary: Touchdown on U Street. Read more on Incompetent D.C. Government Crooked (Also: PBR)…
  sports charity ball-throwing events

Stabilize Your Blood Sugar and Dodge Balls To End Diabetes

In this great age of anus burgers and bacon-covered doughnuts, most of us will be killed by diabetes — and that means it would probably be smart to start donating to diabetes organizations right now. And next week, there’s a way to help fight diabetes in two ways: Grab life by the balls and participate in the 6th Annual Dodging Diabetes Charity Dodgeball Tournament next Sunday in Rockville. Read more on Stabilize Your Blood Sugar and Dodge Balls To End Diabetes…
  things-to-do while h street is still cool

H Street: Now a Mainstream Urban Oasis

H Street NE is notable for its ill-paved streets and random assortment of eclectic bars and restaurants. It’s our very own Epcot-like recreation of Brooklyn! And because it’s deliberately thematic, it has managed to avoid the onslaught of bistros–nondescript, sterile, nice restaurants that thrive on euphemisms (“approachable cuisine” anyone?). But Smith Commons, a new restaurant on H Street is all that, and it leaves us wondering what’s becoming of this former open-air crack market. Read more on H Street: Now a Mainstream Urban Oasis…
  freebies

The Lifesaving Power of IHOP’s Semi-Edible Poison (Maybe)

Some cancers get big fancy races on the National Mall, the support of the NFL, full rights over a color, and the satisfaction of raising millions of dollars for education and research. Some cancers even get the support of the brothers Koch, which is morally confusing. Other cancers, though, have to settle for the donations people may or may not make after eating a free stack of buttermilk pancakes from their local 24-hour lard shop. It’s hard out there when you’re not America’s Favorite Cancer or America’s Villains’ Favorite Cancer, so if you feel like doing something to help eradicate Leukemia and/or Lymphoma, eat pancakes at IHOP today. Read more on The Lifesaving Power of IHOP’s Semi-Edible Poison (Maybe)…
  food/booze news!

Events For Ladies, Drunks and Armchair Revolutionaries

Saturday, February 26: Though you may prefer to spend your Saturday nights at a Beer Palace, sequestered in darkness and glazed in booze, there’s nothing wrong with doing something a little bit different this Saturday. Like learning about vaginas, for charity! V-Day D.C. will be performing The Vagina Monologues Saturday at 3PM and again at 7PM at the Universalist National Memorial Church. Tickets are $10. [Vagina Monologues] Read more on Events For Ladies, Drunks and Armchair Revolutionaries… Read more on Events For Ladies, Drunks and Armchair Revolutionaries…