US of America News

Drunk idea man.

Clinton Email Bombshell: John Boehner Probably Blackout Drunk Right Now

Monday brought us another end-of-month dump of like 7000 Hillary Clinton emails from the State Department, and the most important things we learned are: she likes The Good Wife and Parks and Recreation, she wrote the goofiest diplomatic email...
Nothing more patriotic than a flag-waving beaver shot

Homeschool Mom Protests ‘Muslim Indoctrination’ At School Her Kids Don’t Attend

A super-patriotic homeschooling Tennessee mom organized a protest Friday against what she was pretty sure is Islamic indoctrination of children in the public schools, although she pulled her own child out of the public school system last year because...
Sexytime Jesus Vacation

Dumb Duggar Girl Probably Hasn’t Bagged Any Central American Souls For Jesus

Remember the good old days, back when yr Wonkette would write about the Duggars just to make fun of them, and not because their oldest boy used to have a problem with his fingers wandering off into his sisters,...
Lecture us a little more about morality, please -- it's hilarious!

Tyrant Obama Puts Dinesh D’Souza In Gulag For Crime Of Loving America Too Much

Dinesh D'Souza, the pseudointellectual troll who made a movie about the dishonesty and untrustworthiness of Barack Hussein Obama (do we even know who the man really is?) and the moral scold who had to resign a cushy job as...
Two more beneficiaries of unrestricted access to firearms

TV Reporter And Cameraman Shot To Death On Air, Because America

A Virginia TV reporter and cameraman were shot dead on live TV while reporting in Moneta, Virginia, Wednesday morning, and it is definitely too soon to suggest that maybe all the guns floating around the nation are in any way...
How a normal network might report the story

Fox News Knows Obama Personally Ordered Terrorist To Ride That French Train

There's an awful lot to be happy about in the story of the three vacationing Americans, a British executive, and a French passenger who overpowered a would-be terrorist on a high-speed train Friday. Nobody got killed, and even the two...
SEXXXXXXXXX

Mike Huckabee Begs Judge To Send Him To Jail, Make Him Sexy Christian Martyr Too

So, Kim Davis is having a big day! First she woke up in a jail cell and chatted with her bunkmate Myrtle about the best way to hide a shiv inside a Bible (cut out all the compassionate Jesus...
America's sweethearts

Great News, TLC’s Going To Let The Duggars Perv Up Our TV Screens Some More

Cool Story: After Josh Duggar admitted to fingerbanging his family back in the aughts; and after news came out that his parents did all they could to cover it up; and after TLC canceled the family's well-known reality show,...
A smirking asshat who loves Trump? Imagine that.

Douchebag Pharma CEO Raises Drug Price 5000% Because Screw Your Sick Baby

In an age when there's so much division and hate, it's nice when people from all walks of life can come together in agreement on one thing: Martin Shkreli, the CEO who raised the price of a lifesaving drug...
Guess she'll just have to go get a wingnut book deal or something.

Satan Probably Won’t Let Kim Davis Raise Bigot Bucks On GoFundMe :(

A lot of people have been saying, OOH THAT KIM DAVIS, that asshole, that adulteress, that bleeding pus-filled skin tag on the lady-jumper-concealed inner thigh of humanity! That's not what this post is about, people have just been saying...
Maybe the demon sheep did it

Carly Fiorina Did GREAT Job With Hewlett-Packard. Too Bad It Was In Iran.

So here's a thing: You know how, on her first day in office, Carly Fiorina would call the Supreme Leader of Iran and tell him the nuke deal is off? If that happens (it won't), chances are good the...
RUN AWAY, ANNA!

Josh Duggar’s Penis Had A Accident On Another Porn Star

Everybody in the front row, cover yourselves with plastic, because we're about to Gallagher some more Duggar spooge your way. Remember how Josh Duggar had to go to the Fuck-No-More Bible Camp, after it was revealed that the porn...
Boom! Take that, Mexico!

Trump Bodyguard Slugs Hispanican Protester, Seals GOP Nomination For Boss

Donald Trump's security detail put its best fists forward in a confrontation with Latino protesters outside the Trump Tower Thursday, ripping away a protest sign and coldcocking a protester who tried to grab it back. When you watch this...
Disappointed in Kim Davis's past sins obviously.

Pat Robertson Just Called Kim Davis A Whore

UH OH SHOTS FIRED! Grandpa Pat Robertson is real glad Kim Davis is standing up for Jesus Christ's true message, which is "PEEEEE-YEW! Notice how I never said Blessed Are The Icky Homos? They're the BEATITUDES, not the BE-FAG-ITUDES."...
Actually, Texas isn't so big on the 'Thinking' either. Just sit there and don't make trouble, OK?

Texas Teen Builds Clock, Gets Arrested For ‘Bomb Hoax.’ Did We Mention He’s Muslim? Yeah.

An Irving, Texas, teenager who loves tinkering with electronics and computers learned an important lesson this week about the American values of hard work, individual initiative, and original thinking this week. And that lesson is that if you exhibit...
Oh look, it's the new face of terror: A bright 14-year old. But he's Muslim!!!!!!!!

Wingnuts Have Had It With That Muslim Teen Terrorist Ahmed Mohamed And His ‘Science’

Of course there's a backlash. Couldn't possibly have any story about a Muslim kid mistakenly accused of making a hoax bomb and then showered with love from fellow geeks, and have that be the end of it. Gotta gin...